Self-Loathing

[Kana Truden]

It was over.

Ziost was over and Kana could get away from the field and retreat to her shuttle once more. Her head was spinning as her mind tried to process the overflow of emotions and actions from when her mind promptly shut down. She might have had the Kasha crystal around her neck but nothing about today spoke of peace or serenity.

In fact it spoke of the opposite.

In her blindness Kana had tried to do what she’d sworn to never do. In her blindness she tried to take a life and while she unsuccessful in doing so she still wasn’t sure how to process it. War had casualties, she knew that. She had gone to war willing to do just that, but as the fogs and hazes of her mind cleared up she found herself unwilling to accept what she had done. Kana was losing control over herself and her actions.

In the midst of the fight she distinctly remembered sensing the signature of an old friend, but rather than be delighted she tried to cast her aside. [member="Adele Adonai"] had been Kana’s hero, foremost mentor and rather than letting herself get lectured on the ramifications over what she had done she had chosen to violently, and loudly, get her to show herself.

Kana’s twisting form rolled around on her bed in torment. She tried to remain calm but inside of her the war was still raging. Mind over body, body over mind, the lines were blurred. On one end she felt free, on the other she knew the costs of the freedom. It was addicting. She was acting out on things she had wanted to do for so long but was it worth it?

She still wouldn’t know. She hoped it was, but it didn’t feel like it.

Self-Loathing. She was turning into the thing she swore to never become.

 

[Adele Adonai]

Time meant nothing, all that mattered, all that was is the Force.

In life Jedi Knight A'dele Adonnai spent her time in deep meditation in the Room of a Thousand Fountains. In death, she had also spent her time in meditation with the Force. In the wake of the Netherworld event, the Iridonian found herself having become one with the Force.

The aftermath had made the woman a bit more in touch with the ebbs and flows of that flowing energy. Even more so with those she had interacted in the past. There was one in particular that would concern her; and the tang of the Darkside of the Force there was as familiar to her as a newborn to their blanket.

Sitting in seiza, the young Iridonian female constantly concentrated in deep meditation and focus to harmonize her center. It would not only open her to the Force, but allow her a greater grasp of mental control over herself, her mind, and concentration.

She was the vision of cordial pleasantry, with her hands lightly resting over her belly one on top of the other.

The faint delicate lines and shadows of violet would grace her face, and dressed in typical white Voss Mystic robes with the cowl, one would take her to be an apparition. And rightly so if they knew her origins.

But where she sat was of no concern, for the Force is vast as it is mysterious. All that would matter, would be the faint glowing image of the young Jedi healer, projecting herself through mental translocation.

Ice blue eyes would peer curiously and a bit expectantly, at the woman tossing and turning upon the bed.

"Master Truden..."

 

[Kana Truden]

She heard the voice again. That small echo from when it all began, when Kana first became a healer. Part of her wanted to shun it again, but the other wanted to reach out for it and grab onto it just like she desperately tried to cling to the things that reminded of who she was. The things that reminded Kana of who she were. The Kana that had been a healer and content with her quiet life on Ruusan. The Kana that had stability and a family.

After what had gone down on Ziost it all felt more distant than ever. Sure, some may have seen it as trivial. On the field she was just another warrior looking to claim a life, but their opinions did not matter. It was the hypocrisy of it all, the fault of it all. Her mind told her that she was doing all that she did to ensure others did not suffer the same fate that she did, that they didn’t lose their loved ones just as she had.

It hadn’t happened. Instead she found herself in a downwards spiral leading only to the one thing she swore to not become. She was a Jedi, she was supposed to value life, but on the field today she had thrived on the idea of causing pain to someone.

“Master Adele.” The girl whispered as she stopped in her tracks. “Where are you?”

Kana sat up on her bed and looked around the room. It was just her, had she been imagining things? A spike of worry shivered down her spine at the thought. Was she going as crazy as she felt?

[member="Adele Adonai"]

 

[Adele Adonai]

Kana would not have to search long or far.

The nearly translucent image would sit at the far right of the room, identical to the seiza that the Jedi Healer would be in a distance away. As this was a mental projection manifested through the Force, the figure of the Iridonian would be reminicent to a hologram. However, this was no manifestation of imagination nor that of technology..

Her expression was serene, her eyes listless. Ice blue eyes would peer upon the young blonde woman, blinking lightly in consideration.

// Primum non nocere. //

 

[Kana Truden]

All Kana do was stare at the apparition as it blinked. Thinking, analyzing, judging. It brought Kana no real comfort, she knew damn well what she had done and how it would affect her. Some argued the corruption wasn’t a real thing, but if not then what was it that Kana was feeling right now? Had she always been this way? A person of pain?

Her feet placed themselves on the edge of the cold metal bed frame as she leaned in to hug her knees.

“First do no harm.” She whispered under her breath. “I know.”

She squeezed her frame even tighter.

“I have failed you. I have failed Avalore. I have failed everyone.”

[member="Adele Adonai"]

 

[Adele Adonai]

// Failure is not a single, cataclysmic event. You don't fail overnight. Instead, failure is a few errors in judgement, repeated every day. //

Her voice would float over towards Kana, crystal clear and without judgement. Her pain, her sorrow, her fear, and her anger were her own. However, she had to be the one in control. Much like A'dele had been of her own.


// Do not brood over your past mistakes and failures as this will only fill your mind with grief, regret and depression.//

She stated plainly.

// A Jedi’s strength flows from the Force. Simply do not repeat them in the future. //

 

[Kana Truden]

“How can I not think on them when it is I who do them?” Kana let go of her knees. “I am the one who wanted to end that woman, I am the one who wanted to go to Ziost for some reason to seek some sort of... Something, with the jedi.”

She let her feet fall to the floor to let the cold floor seep in.

“A jedi doesn’t attack other jedi either. Do you think I wanted to be there?” Kana approached the ghost. “I didn’t. There was a small part of me that thought it did and the more I listened to it the better the idea seemed. I was going to open their eyes, make them see my pain, my suffering but all I did was slowly lose control.”

“I attacked someone who used to be my friend today.” Kana shook her head and stared to her side. “Connor Harrison. He will tell you the same. I attacked him. At first to show him just how blind he was, but the further into the fight I got the more I started to enjoy it.”

“I wanted that fight.”

 

[Adele Adonai]

A'dele would observe Kana with a listless expression. It had always been hard to discern what the Iridonian Jedi Knight was thinking. For the now, she would listen. Blinking once, her serene tattoo'd visage would watch the tortured blonde woman.

// When you look into the Darkside, you must be careful. For the Darkside looks back. // A'dele knew this quite well. It was for this very reason that she would spend hours meditating. She had to constantly be careful. Constantly ensure she had herself undercontrol.

// The Darkside clouds everything, Kana. You must be the light in the dark. Your ally is in the Force, and a powerful Ally it is. //