Shows me my flaws, show me my goods, show me room for improvement.

[Undin Jaii Kryze]

Spoiler

Disclaimer:
Before you get your pitchforks out, I beg of you, to keep this only to my writing, and not OOC. Thank you very much.
Also:
If I was defensive before, I want to say sorry about that, and can guarantee this won't happen here.

Just as the title says, please critique me, and be sure to read the disclaimer first, thank you.

 

[Kenrath]

[member="Undin Jaii Kryze"]

Ok well see here is the issue.

Critiques are pretty much 100% OOC. They are based largely on two things. First the believably of your character concept and second how well your writing portrays that concept.

So that being said I am not sure what you hope to accomplish with this thread since you have specifically said in your disclaimer that we can't comment OOC and therefore can't critique your writing.

 

[Xiarr Sair]

[member="Undin Jaii Kryze"]

I really don't understand what your character is trying to accomplish or what his goals are.

 

[Undin Jaii Kryze]

[member="Vengeance"]

Pretty much, just my writing.

Sorry if it was confusing.

 

[Undin Jaii Kryze]

[member="Xiarr Sair"]

He's trying to become a Jedi explorer and generalist, and help make new items to help the Jedi

 

[James Justice]

You want in In Character analysis? OK, here is one. Purely IC, just as my prior one was:

1) No depth. Undiin lacks any real quality besides "teenager." He has no ethos, no emotional story, no drive besides following his every whim, no real discernible story. I'd say the threads remind me of a disjointed unrelated events.

2) No Quest. No emotional quest, no social quest, no moral quest, nothing. Undiin lacks drives, he lacks a real discernable "this is what I want to do with myself, the words, how I see the worlds." For clarification, here are the definitions of those quests:
Social quest: <How do I see society? What do I want to do to make society meaningful?>
Emotional quest: <What emotional challenge(s) do I face? What am I trying to overcome?>
Moral quest: <What journey do I take to reach Keigard's seventh layer of morality? How am I getting there? What moral conflicts do I face?>

3) No discernible/noteworthy GOTE. Something like the quests, this is something that any good actor will put his character through before even thinking about picking up a script or stepping on stage. I like to transfer this to my characters here and in my writings:
Goal: What do I want?
Obstical: What stands in my way?
Tactics: How do I get what I want?
Expectation: What do I think will happen when I get there?

4) Inconsistency. Undiin lacks any real internal constructs, the basis of personhood in many views of psychology. He appears to be moralless and still masquerades as a Jedi of Light. This pure unadulterated lack of psychological validity is pretty hard to want to deal with.

5) Style. Your writing could use improvements. There are lots of details that are lacking. As my english teacher told me in the seventh grade, "The smallest details make the big universe worth writing."

Just things off the top of my head about this character. Now, since I believe that being part of the solution is twice as important as pointing out the problem, here is my advice on how to fix things. Feel free to take it or leave it.

1) Get a cause. No one likes a rebel without a cause. Stop going helter skelter or at least don't do it as much. Find something Undin believes in and fight for it. Don't use age as an excuse. Jedi are trained to believe in things from the age of 8. They are taught prodigious levels of self control, use it.

2) Show loyalty. No fourteen year old traps his friends in carbonite and sells them as slaves, steals lightsabers that required dev threads and auctions them off. first off, that's a major consistency issue in characterhood, second its lacking in loyalty. Loyalty towards other characters builds a reputation of trustwothiness, trustworthiness gives you more threads and more likeability and keeps you from getting trolled to death.

3) Be thorough in your personhood. If you want Undin to be taken seriously, you need to take him seriously. Give him a real personhood. Read on psychology articles if you have to. You want to get better? You want to be taken seriously? It takes work. Sadly, since your already behind the 8 ball here, your gonna have to work harder. You can get there, but you have to work at it and show consistency with this character's personhood.

4) Don't be afraid to go deep. At 14 there are worlds of feelings any teen can feel, I am in psychology to be child and adolescent counselor so, yeah, you can. Depression, anger, deep thoughts, philosophical questions like "what is life?" and "who am I really?" predominate this time of life. Don't be afraid to go there, that is good writing and good personhood.

5) Include details. Think of how the world around you affects the fives senses--sight, smell, sound, taste, and so on. Also, include the emotional feelings involved. Fun fact: I am what is known as "smell blind." An ear and sinus infection took away almost all my hearing in my left ear and 98.999% of my sense of smell when I was young. I have never smelled a flower, perfume, most foods, or any of that. Do I let that impede me? Nope, I include it in my writing anyway. Go for it and use expressive words such as adverbs, adjectives. Overcoming your setbacks rather than letting them be your crutch is the definition of strength.

Cheers.

 

[Garza]

[member="Undin Jaii Kryze"],

I was going to write out about a paragraph of what I wanted to say. But [member="James Justice"] stole my thunder.

 

[James Justice]

[member="Atheus"]

I love you too, bby

 

[Jsc]

[member="Undin Jaii Kryze"]

You good. Just keep going. Just keep getting better. Let the world do it's thing.

 

[Undin Jaii Kryze]

[member="James Justice"]

Mmm

When I started out writing on this site, I wanted to have a Jedi, about the same age as me. I didn't have much experience in backstorying or detailing, (such can be seen in my bio, that I still have to update). I probably should have asked how to write a good character, but was very overwhelmed about the site, and was very afraid to use anything.

Anyway, I thank you for this analysis, and will be sure to take it in count for when I write my next posts.

 

[Cathul Thuku]

I didn't thread much with Undin, but as they said above, I can't seem to relate threads one another. I've threaded with you on three occasions: the Games, the broomstick test and Jessica building her castle on Dulvoyinn.

With any characters I have, I at least try to make clear, when relevant, how past events relate to present storylines. Or otherwise show some consistency, where people have an idea where my characters are coming from.

Cathul, for example, is on a road away from the dark side of the Force (and possibly even witchcraft as I understood it) when she realized that, with a general contractor (also coming with a realty office) she can do more to make the galaxy a better place, but gave up on therapy, for which I initially created Cathul in the first place, because I couldn't write about it worth two beans (or, in IC terms, someone beat her ability to do that out of her).

At present Cathul is unsure of her identity, unsure of her loyalties: she isn't sure of her Force-denomination. Whether she is Witch or Jedi, and with it, whether she is closer to Mando or Alliance - in her mind, witchcraft = Mandos, Jedi = Alliance, but her corporate ownership has something to do with that: it is headquartered on Malastare, which is in Alliance space, and the big-ticket projects she did all involved social housing and/or rebuilding devastated/abandoned planets, the sort of stuff you would expect from a light-sider if a light-sider ran a general contractor.

Every writer is going to have its limitations.

 

[Valiens Nantaris]

[member="Cathul Thuku"]
Please remove or spoiler one image from your sig, you can only have 5 visible.

[member="Undin Jaii Kryze"]
I get that you’re young, and that English is not a first language for you. I won’t ding you on that.

However Undin doesn’t strike me as a believable character. The sudden turns in alignment are baffling, the character is way overpowered for a Padawan and you are not letting the character experience any real consequences for his frankly shocking acts.

My suggestions are pretty basic:

1. Have an idea of Undin’s story and where you broadly want it to go.
2. Be consistent with your characterisation.
3. Accept IC consequences for IC actions. Don’t handwave consequences.

 

[Undin Jaii Kryze]

[member="Valiens Nantaris"]

Ok, I understood most of what you said, and thank you for your suggestions, I just have a few questions.

1. What is acceptable for a Padawan? When I look back at my first threads, I do realize that he was, an a bit is an understatement, overpowered, and now I'm trying to de-opize him, if that makes any sense.

2. What is intended by characterisation? Personality?

 

[Garza]

1. What is acceptable for a Padawan? When I look back at my first threads, I do realize that he was, an a bit is an understatement, overpowered, and now I'm trying to de-opize him, if that makes any sense.

Not sure if you have ever heard of the quote, "Write as if you are a king, with the power of a peasant." Or in star wars lingo "Write like a Master, with the power of a Padawan/apprentice." I find that most people who have these huge power sets, and abilities that were hardly used in cannon to be people who want powerful "god" characters. However, Gods have to come from somewhere. Unlike mythology, they have to find their power. They have to discover the true strength they have without the powers to become something more than just the abilities they have.

Referencing a really old movie, but the Disney's Hercules, is a good tie in with this. Hercules is a "God" who lost his powers. He is a simple human. And to become a god again, he needs to find his true strength. Prove that he is worthy of becoming a God once more. Zeus can't just hand out powers without consequences. Thus, when the young man proves he is worthy of such powers, he can become a god again. *for the sake of the movie and this discussion I won't go on about how he turned down the offer*

Padawans and apprentices are the same way. In order for them to prove they are worthy of the power they could possibly have, they need to prove their worth. As you are a "Child character" You won't have the same amount of experience as someone who is 40 years old, and fought in wars before you were born. As for powers a Padawan can have? I almost always start out with the simplest ones I can find. Force Sense, Telekinesis, and maybe another one. After that, any other power I give my characters relates to the character in some form.

Take my character Atheus for example. He is a Darwinist. "Only the strong survive." sort of person. So he uses Battlemind, Force Rage, and is a lightsaber duelist. As a Hellyni *his species* He is immune to mind affecting powers. So he can't have powers like Telepathy, or Force Meld. The only "mental" powers he has are Force sense, and Force Empathy. Now, I have other powers like Sith/Force Alchemy, because he was the apprentice of [member="Nick Imura"], who is an Alchemist. Atheus also knows Alter Environment because Nick was an Elementalist. He used the environment around him, and altered it.

All the powers I have tie into Atheus' character model. As such yours should be. As someone who generally uses the force, TK, Force sense, and maybe a few other "jack" skills will fit. The rest need to match the character. As for what they are, I can't tell you.

1. Not my character
2. The characters actions are inconsistent. In a thread, you went from a sniveling child, to a brat who was trying to puke on a man's shoes in one post. 1+1 =/= 7
3. I don't have any clue on where your character is going. If I don't have a clue, I am 100% sure [member="Valiens Nantaris"], wont be able to answer that question.

2. What is intended by characterisation? Personality?

Personality. Yes. Characterization can be many different things, but most of the time, its the characters Attitude. How they act, what they would do in certain situations. Would you be flirty? Would you be stoic? Testy? Fierce? Angry? Hotheaded? With your character, you change his actions in the force, and his IC actions so much, its hard to get an idea on what the character does. How he thinks. He is a true wild card.

HOWEVER! if that is the characters intended purpose, to be the complete wildcard, and to change your actions so much like that, then you will not find a person here who would trust you IC, and you won't really make a meaningful story. Here's why.

1. Everyone has some consistencies. Even the Infamous Joker has consistencies. He will ALWAYS, be the opposite of batman in some form. From the late Heath Ledger's view upon the Joker, and so adequately said by Alfred, "Some men, just want to watch the world burn." Jokers purpose *in the Dark Knight movie* was to be the complete opposite of Batman. He wanted to cause chaos for the pure purpose of causing Batman pain. That is his gimmick.
2. If you are a complete wildcard character, you won't have any consistent powers, stories, or allies. Powers will range from Force light, to Force Drain. In which, it is "Impossible" for you to be able to do that. And because you don't have a consistent character, each and every thread will have to be different in some fashion to prove that point. Thread 1, you fight a Sith, and leave him alive. Thread two, You kill a different Sith because you can, thread 3, you fight a jedi, and then run away. It doesn't match up. Why kill one sith, and not the other, then run from a Jedi? Makes no sense.
3. No allies. No one can support you. No one IC would want to help you because they have no clue at all if you would turn on them, help them, or even kill them. As you can see, its a big problem on a site like this where almost all threads have you working with someone...

Find a basis for your character. As a child, you should have emotions like, "I wonder what my parents are doing?". or "I hate this Master because he always gives us homework." Or even "That girl looks cute. Maybe I can talk to her, would she like me? Do I look good? What if I mess up?"

Then move from there. How would they act in this situation, over the other. Are they honorable, or do they flip according to how much they are paid? Do they fight like a savage, and just attack, attack, attack? Maybe instead they are very strategic and duel someone with moves and paths of what they could do five, six, ten steps ahead of the person they are fighting?

That is for you to figure out. What do you want your character to be, and in conjunction with how they act, what powers compliment their attitude? Guy in the shadows, wears black all the time, and doesn't talk. Likely is a sneaky character, or has a power hidden away from you to wait until you are unprepared for it. Big guy built like a bull, Carries a gun the size of his chest, and drinks enough to outweigh the other guy on the counter? Likely someone who uses brute strength and power against opponents,

Cliques are your friend here. They will set the base for your character, and after that, a twist here, and a turn there, and you have your own character.

Hopefully all of this information helps, and please, read this multiple times over. There are times when I forget to do something, or I overlook information on a post, and screw up. Take your time and actually think about what will happen if you twist on point A, instead of point C.

Anyways, Cheers.

[member="Undin Jaii Kryze"],