Public Suck my Cosmos

[Hard Luck Frank]

There's two things I hate about space, ok three...well four, maybe five...look I karking hate space is the damn point. Despite that simple and undeniable fact, I'll give you two guesses about where I was ONCE AGAIN. No, dont bother. I'll tell you. Spaccceee. I had bought tickets this time. The public transport from Terminus to Okyab was a big ship, it would be fine right? No, no not right. Opposite of right. If there was a bright radiant world of karking right in the galaxy, I basically live in the screaming black void that was so far away that it didn't know anything else existed. Yeah, no I was wrong.

The man, humanoid, thing, that I sat next to had all the hallmarks of a drug dealer, greasy slicked back hair, bad skin, long fingernails, and smelled like body odor and Tefka body spray. That and he tried to sell me drugs. We had been in route for something like 6 hours when the fifteen cups of Kaff I drank during the first 3 inflight holovids caught up with me. So what did I do? The reasonable thing, I asked drug guy to watch my seat and got up for the refresher. See? Exactly what everyone else does.

So, now comes the part where everything kind of started going down hill. I got to the refresher which was about the size of a coffin with two suction tubes of the exact same size and shape. Now, I'm not one to complain about new experiences but this, this was going too far. I stepped out and looked at the sign to make sure I had picked the one for humanoid, which I did because I'm of nearly average intelligence, and closed the door again. Now what was I supposed to do? Well, I knew in a vague general way what was expected but come on, could they at least write a one and two on the respective hose?!

Long story short. I broke it and they dropped me and the refresher pod into the big vasty nothingness. Yeah...I hate space.

 

[Warwick Armani Rhonin]

Warwick sat in the passenger seat in the cockpit of the tour ship, a luxurious transport. Exotic leather seats, exotic fur blankets, a great AC, a stereo, built in T.V., etc.

The only thing it didn't have? Defenses. No shields, no guns. Not that Warwick, a singer, would need guns. Unless of course, he was going on a spice run. Which he was. He needed a refill, after the Coruscant sales he was fresh out. It'd be costly, and he hated to see the profits shrink, but the next show would give a fresh wave of sales.

He'd done this many times before. Land, change his face, buy it, leave. Pretty easy. He looked out into the deep, dark space, so quiet, so boring.

Unless there was a bathroom floating around.

Which there was.

"The scrap?" he said aloud, observing the object as it floated along. Scanners said it had a lifeform "on deck". Guess it was time for a rescue.

 

[Hard Luck Frank]

Right. So, how was I supposed to know how to use this weirds refresher anyway? Iwas still trying to figure that out as I floated there in space. I also noted the irony that they were mad at me but literally left a floater in the space lane. I hated other people's hypocrisy.

I put the hoses end to end and turned on the suction. One, I wanted to see what would happen; two, I didn't want them to leak on me. Apparently it also sealed the pod. Whomever had invented compartmentalization of ship systems needed a kick in the bag of holding.

I tried to think but the truth was I wasn't that good at that. I was a thug. Big, dumb, heavy and slow was my general skill set. Oh, and I was crass, I did crass work. And yeah, I was a crasshole as a result. Now, with immediate death waited just bare millimeters away you may think I was worried, but to be honest it wasn't even the second time I'd been left stranded in space. At least they had left me a pod, sorta.

That was when the best idea ever hit me. What if I reversed the suction somehow? I might be able to aim the waste and give myself a push toward a planet. I just didn't know how to do that.
Warwick Armani Rhonin

 

[Warwick Armani Rhonin]

How...odd.

Did the drug lords below shoot him up here? Was he a mad scientist, weaponizing a karkin' toilet?

As the ship approached the floating commode Warwick realized that there was material for a song here. He'd been working on "patience", originally about a jedi since jedi need patience, but maybe he'd change it to a man floating in space while he tries to take a leak trying to make himself have patience. Or maybe he could make a song from scratch, about being on the "pooptrain". "Loaded like a space train, flyin' like I'll never hang, one more time tonight. I'm on the poop train!". The others probably didn't see the floating toilet as they rehearsed or slept...a shame because they would never believe this scrap.

Enough thinking, now he needed to pull the toilet-man in somehow. Or maybe it'd be easier if Warwick went out.

He grabbed a mask, some oxygen, and tied himself to the ramp with some guitar cables. It'd hold, right? Sure it would...these things were very difficult to remove from the guitar because if they came out, it'd cause a terrible noise and mess the whole show up. It'd work.

With that thought in mind, he lowered the ramp, and jumped out to grab the man.

Space was cold. He discovered he didn't like space today.