Private Talk to Me

[Colette]

“There you are.” Colette said as she stepped through the door to Loomi’s room. “I’m so sorry for pushing you away like that. I should have done more to include you, and to listen better.”

She had rehearsed that line in her mind on the way from the meeting to the ship. Only once spoken did it occur to her that it wasn’t the most appropriate opener when you had something to say. Colette rubbed at the back of her neck and took a seat next to Loomi.

How would she begin? It wasn’t exactly a highly volatile situation, but for some reason it still felt tense. Colette had done something wrong, and she needed to make things alright again.

“Are you okay?”

“I got worried.”

Loomi

 

[Loomi]

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Tags: Colette

"Oh, h-hey," Loomi stammered as Colette entered.

She couldn't muster up a smile. There was really too much on her mind at the moment. The Godoan did feel bad that Colette was asking if she was the reason that Loomi had departed. It was, unfortunately, slightly true, though there was far more at play. As with all other things, this was a more complicated situation.

"Golly, it wasn't just you," she assured. "There were... a lot of negative emotions. I-I got overwhelmed..."

She was an empath after all.

It was the question of if she was okay that made her posture sink even more so. That wasn't as straight forward of an ask as it seemed at first glance. She was a bundled up mess that could fall apart at any moment really. It was simply a matter of time, and a matter of being exposed to the perfect amount of stress. To say that she found the idea of having to kill another living being stressful would have been an understatement. Loomi was terrified by it.

"Thank you," the teen added at the remark of Colette being worried. "I just... Th-the talk about killing was a lot. Everyone made it seem... y'know, inevitable. Like there was just blood waiting to be on my hands..."

There already was, even if she did have an excuse.

"It's just... scarry."

 

[Colette]

Loomi

It didn't take a genius to realize that Loomi was winded up. It also didn't take a genius to figure out that Loomi and Colette shared similar reservations but for different reasons and to differing degrees. While Colette felt bitterly resigned to it as if it would happen against her will again, Loomi seemed utterly terrified. Had the force not said as much, her posture would have done it for her.

"I think everyone is scared of it." Colette said and slowly nodded as she tried to figure out a good way to explain what she meant. "Some might be too used to it to show, but they are."

"I'm terrified of it." She admitted and swallowed air as if it would make her nerves any easier to deal with. "I'm the Sword's apprentice, and I…" Colette chuckled to herself, she felt stupid. "I don't even want to think about hurting anyone."

Because…

"I am my own person, and I exist as myself." Colette said and turned around to face Loomi, her leg folded so that her foot could rest on her knee. "You are your own person too."

Meaning…

"If we don't want to end lives, then nobody can make us do it."

 

[Loomi]

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Tags: Colette

"If we don't want to end lives, then nobody can make us do it."

"I... I hope so," Loomi muttered.

It wasn't just a matter of being forced to kill by someone else. The thought of being backed into a corner and having no other choice was her real fear. As much as she hated conflict, the Godoan still wanted to save lives. What if it was the only option? Or worse, what if she did it to save herself? For the mess that her life had been up untill this point, Loomi still very much wanted to live it.

Maybe that made it seem more inevitable.

"Are... you okay?" she asked, tilting her head with concern. "You seemed pretty stressed too..."

 

[Colette]

Loomi

"I…" Colette sighed. "I don't know."

"My people have been against violence since before we lost so many in The Great Disappearance." The Netherworld 'event' as it turns out the galaxy called it. "It's just…"

"Life is simple on the road. You forage for food and then you hunt to balance out the rest, and when you move on from somewhere, you spread the seeds of life across the deserts and forests in gratitude for what nature had given you. It worked for a very long time except, with the, uh… Netherworld… Thing, we almost died as a people."

"Since clans are so spread out and the groups are so small, every life taken was more than a loss for just the clans." Colette looked up at Loomi to see if she was following along. Not that Colette herself was sure why she was saying any of this. "Of course some clans went to war, but it was so unheard of, and those who survived were shunned for their short-sightedness. Some other clans settled down and built farms, of course, but most of us kept moving, same as we had for at least eight hundred years."

"My people are very… 'Direct' I think Valery called it." That was a word for it, but maybe it would explain a little about why Colette always spoke her mind even when it was perhaps not the time for it. "When we speak to each other it is always openly, and honestly. There was never an 'I need' for us, there was always a 'we' when we spoke, and we meant it. A clan living beyond what it needed was shunned, and there was no greater sin than taking more from nature than you need."

"Over time, each clan built up a sort of reputation. Newer clans splintered from other clans didn't have any, of course, but my clan were especially good at navigating through the desert using nothing but the stars, and I…"

Colette just stopped talking. Let out a long sigh and shook her head.

"Sorry, I forgot what your question was."

 

[Loomi]

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Tags: Colette

"Sorry, I forgot what your question was."

"I was just wondering if you were okay," Loomi repeated, understanding what Colette was experiencing. She lost track of her own thoughts a lot too. "A-anger and frustration can really hurt if you don't have an outlet. I-I want to make sure you have someone to talk to about it."

It was only fair. She had very often poured out all of her own insecurities to the older padawan. Interactions like this were supposed to be a trade, an exchange of mutual support that benefited both parties. Loomi didn't want to only take from Colette. She wanted to help her just as much as her friend had to herself.

"I-it's okay if you don't want to right now," she assured.

Talking did very often take time.

 

[Colette]

Loomi

"No, no… I want to talk to you." Colette said and sighed. "I…"

"I killed someone a month or so ago." She then added with a deep swallow as if it would clear her throat, make the breathing easier. It didn't. "It was an accident but it still… Like I said, my people don't do that. We don't kill someone or take their lives. We change them, make them see reason."

Then Colette shook her head.

"Don't know if you've killed someone before, but…" She exhaled a long sigh. "It scared me. And I just…"

"I wish I could undo it."

 

[Loomi]

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Tags: Colette

"I wish I could undo it."

"It's... It's okay," Loomi muttered, giving a somber smile.

The Godoan placed a hand on her friend's shoulder. She understood more than anyone else what that feeling was like given her own past. After all, it was the action that lead to her coming to the Temple in a round about way.

"I... have things I wish I could undo too," the girl sighed. "I-It was self defense... but I... it still scares me."

They were bad men, but she couldn't get the image of them out of her head.

 

[Colette]

Loomi

Few were so lucky as to have a Loomi in their lives. Colette felt safe here, safe enough that when Loomi placed her hand on Colette's shoulder she leaned into the Godoan for a hug instead. It would seem they both had seen some things they didn't want to remember.

"But we keep going because we have to, right?" She smiled and tightened the hug just a little more before she let go again. "I might put too much weight on it, but I just…"

"That was a life, you know? Good or bad. It wasn't mine to take, and now I have to… I don't know. Make it mean something?"

"Does that make sense?"

 

[Loomi]

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Tags: Colette

"It does," Loomi assured as she accepted the hug.

She knew better than anyone. After all, the people who she had killed ruined her life. Took parts of her away. Surely she was justified in protecting herself, right? Yet even still the guilt lingered, actions that she simply couldn't give a pass to in her mind. The girl leaned back again, placing her hands in her lap as she pondered for a moment.

"I'm not going to go fight," she affirmed. "I... can't do that untill I figure out who I am. Besides, they can't have everyone go out, right? Someone needs to take care of the other stuff."

She sighed, her antennae drooping a little.

"I just need to figure out where I fit in all of that other stuff."

 

[Colette]

Loomi

Colette leaned back too until her head rested against the wall. She turned to look at Loomi as she spoke and slowly nodded.

"I guess I should too." She chuckled and stared at the ceiling. "Don't suppose the Jedi have a wildlife or nature division, hm?"

Now that wasn't really all that funny, but Colette snickered at herself for a moment nonetheless before she turned back to Loomi.

"I know it might be difficult to say, but… Do you have anything like that? Something you miss or wish we did more of in our training or just as Jedi in general?"

 

[Loomi]

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Tags: Colette

"I'm not sure," Loomi admitted. "I've... been learning a lot lately, stuff I never even knew. Not that I knew a lot before coming to the Order, anyways. I wouldn't know where to begin..."

Everything was new to her. It was hard to decern what more she needed when she was surrounded by so much new information on a regular basis. There had to be something out there away from the conflict for them though, right? More than just sitting in the temple and collecting dust that is.

"I've enjoyed helping people," she noted. "Sometimes going and helping after a battle has been good for me. I-I can do that pretty well. Maybe I'm not exactly a healer, but sometimes people need more than a battle-hardened face. I'm sure there will be more of that."

People were always hurt by conflicts like these. The Jedi could do more to help those affected, or at least she thought so. Maybe that was a good fit for Colette too.

 

[Colette]

Loomi

It was as good of an answer as any, at least from someone who quite literally did not know. In many ways it was difficult to forget this about Loomi, and in as equally many ways it did sadden Colette some to know that some part of her friend's mind was lost. Of course, she also understood that Loomi most likely didn't want or even need the pity that one might have associated with it, and so every time that Colette found herself reminded of the fact she gave her friend an understanding nod despite the fact that she did not understand at all.

This was one of those times. Colette gently smiled and nodded as Loomi spoke and then sighed as she thought about her own role in all of this.

"I think that's what I'll do too." She said and turned her head to look at Loomi. "It's easy to forget the ones who keep the group together by doing the smaller things. Even simple things like keeping things clean and tidy."

She chuckled.

"Not that I think either of us want to be cleaners. It's just a very good example."

And then Colette let in a deep breath and scooted over to the edge of the bed.

"How are you feeling now?"

 

[Loomi]

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Tags: Colette

"I'm feeling better," Loomi stated, giving a faint smile. "I just needed a minute... and a pep-talk."

She sighed, giving a half-tilt of her head as her antennae flattened down. It was always so strange to get those. She had no memories of such a thing happening to her before. All the words from her past life that bled out from her dreams were always so... Hostile. They weren't anything like the new life she had.

"I-I'm not used to this kinda stuff," Loomi admitted. "My life before being here wasn't... wasn't very good. People can be very terrible when they don't care..."

There was pain there, but also resolve. Loomi had a purpose, even if that wasn't a very clear thing to her right now.

"Thank you for caring."

 

[Colette]

Loomi

It was always rewarding to see someone perk up. Colette's warm smile seemed to grow just a little warmer as she listened to her friend speak and compare her new life to her old. It was a sentiment that wasn't too unfamiliar in the sense that who she was before and who she was now were two very different versions of herself.

"Always, Loomi. Always." Colette affirmed her care with a chuckle. "I can't undo the damage of the past, but… I can be here for you in the present. And I will be, as often as I can."

With that Colette stood up and looked towards the door. She should probably go back to Valery to explain herself sooner or later. But not before wrapping up this conversation with her friend.

"I should go back to Valery." Colette chuckled. "But if you ever need someone to listen, I am here. If you need me to tell others to frick off and be quiet, I am here for that too. Okay?"