Private That Talk

[Colette]

There was really no way to delay this any further. Colette usually wasn't one to shy away from topics that made her or others uncomfortable, but something about this one felt particularly difficult to really get started with.

There was a slight rift between her and Shan, there was really no denying that. It was about matters of opinions mostly, and maybe a few ideas on how they wanted the future to pan out that just didn't align.

Colette had tried to seek some advice from one of those weird magazines that Corazona had shown her once, but everything just seemed to be a convoluted mess. Test his fidelity? Really? No. There was no reason for Colette to ever doubt that even though she technically had once before and then immediately felt bad about it.

So, if the magazine said crawl, Colette jumped. How hard could it be? She just had to be clear with her communication, like Valery had said, open the messaging app on her phone-thing and just ask him to talk.

"What are you doing? We should talk about our relationship and our future. I am at my room."

Simple, straightforward, impossible to misinterpret. Colette hit send and waited for the response. Especially given the presence she felt just beyond the walls. She let in a deep breath to focus.

… Maybe she could hold it just a little longer to really break away at the knot in her chest.

Okay, no, that was impossible. Colette exhaled with a puff and let in another breath to steady herself and combat the oncoming lightheadedness.

"Heyyyyy…" She hissed, by accident, as she opened the door, on purpose, before Shan could knock on it. "Thanks for coming."

Shan Pavond

 

[Shan Pavond]

Shan had thrown himself into his work as soon as he could. Work on training Zaiya, training himself. Helping people. He hadn't really had much time to think about talking to Colette. Even if Valery had suggested to him that Colette and him could talk, Shan kept pushing it to the back of his mind. It could wait until after this mission. It could wait until after that mission. He couldn't think of any relationship troubles when the Galaxy needed him.

Which is why as soon as he had the message from Colette, Shan was rushing off to the door to check on her. It didn't take a rocket scientist, at least in his mind, that something wasn't right. What could it be? Had Colette found someone else? Was she jut feeling tired of him? There was a part of him that was definitely paranoid about the message and was trying to come up with some kind of alternative meaning for it, but the more logical part of him knew that it was pointless in getting paranoid about it. Colette wanted to talk and talk they will do.

Though before he could even knock on the door, Colette had already opened the door, blinking as she seemed to hiss at him. Now he was worried that he had done something wrong. Should he have told Colette more about Zaiya? Is that what she was mad about him? Him getting a Padawan without telling her? Or was she worried that he was advancing too fast without her? No. No. Stop being paranoid. Stop worrying about it. Just breathe. Talk about it. Valery had faith that they could talk things out, so they could talk it out.

"Heyyy....Any time."

The Mirialan tried to act all cool, leaning up against the doorframe...before slipping on his own feet and falling straight onto the floor with a loud thud, before shoving his thumb up into the air to show he was okay, scrambling onto his feet and stepping into the room properly so that him and Colette could talk things out.

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

"Right, yeah, hi." Colette greeted Shan, again, and brushed some of the dust off of him for good measure. She didn't feel quite able to laugh at the accident, but she certainly wanted to. "Come in, we should talk…"

She shut the door behind him as he entered and took a seat by a table and motioned for him to sit down in front of her. The lightheadedness was still there but she pushed through it. Colette took another deep breath and exhaled it through her nose.

"So… Things have been a little tense." She said. "Not bad, just tense. Well, maybe a little bad, but not bad-bad in a way that's… Bad."

A panicked exhale passed through her gritted teeth and past her lips.

"I uh… I don't know if either of us have really changed our mind on our last talk with the… Wet shirts and the plumbing, and… All that."

"I like you." Colette added up front. "I love you even, but I-..."

"No sense beating around the bush." She groaned and shook her head for a moment before she looked up at Shan. "You are the best person in the entire galaxy that I know of, but I don't feel like I can give you what I want you to have from me."

"Does that make sense? I'm not sure what I want to say here, or how. Do you feel the same way?"

 

[Shan Pavond]

Shan stood there, listening to Colette carefully. At first, his paranoia and nerves were getting worse and worse, but the more that Colette spoke, the more he found himself breaking out into a relieved smile. Running a hand through his hair with a sigh as he sat across from her, waiting for Colette to finish speaking before he gave a short nod.

"Yes. I feel the same way. I like you and I love you as well but...we can't give each other what we need. I told Valery the other day, that there are things about myself I'd change for you...but there's certain key things, things we disagree on, that I would never change. For anyone. Not even you."

Was that a bit too harsh? He didn't mean for it to be that way. He was just trying to be honest to her. He wasn't exactly...made for beating about the bush, nor did he realise if something he was saying might have seemed rude as Shan ran his hand through his hair again, trying to figure out what he wanted to say.

"I have...so many plans for the future that I'm trying to do. Train Zaiya. End up becoming a Doctor. Building an Orphanage on Onderon for children who have nowhere to go but...I don't see you in those plans. Not anymore. I know you don't want a house. I doubt you'd want to have kids to look after. And that's fine...It's just...I mean in the best way...but I'd pick my work over you. Those future orphans need me more than you do. You don't need me."

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

It was almost kind of funny, or at least it would seem so in retrospect. There was a little hurt in the moment, there was always bound to be some, but even then Colette felt like she actually understood what Shan meant.

"Yes!" She exclaimed with an almost strange sense of relief washing over her. "Exactly! I mean, no, I do need you, but I mean—"

"I mean, just like that!" Colette reached her arms out to offer Shan a hug to pull him in tight for a moment for finding the words that she needed. "We are very similar, and yet so different in all the other ways that matter."

"I want to visit every world around every star that you can see in the skies at night. I want to find and nurture the love of people I thought couldn't ever possibly exist when I was growing up, and I don't—"

And there it was, that small seed of sadness that mellowed her out again.

"I don't see you coming along for that." She frowned and looked at the floor. "And it bums me the hell out, but…"

"I don't want you to change for me either. I want you to be who you are. It's what makes you… You. You're kind, you're really pretty, and you are selfless to an almost worrying degree sometimes. That's why I love you, and that's why I will always love you. Maybe not as a girlfriend or romantic partner, but always as a friend and as someone who looks up to you."

"I can't give you what I want to give you, but that doesn't mean I don't want you in my life. You're special and you always will be."

 

[Shan Pavond]

"I know what you mean. And...yeah. I can't come along for your plans. My plans require me to stay in one place for too long. And...I'm pretty? Am I? That comes to me as a surprise. And hey. I mean, in a way, even if we aren't dating, we're still technically going to be close. Maybe not as much since I'm not going to be staying with the Nobles as much, since I'm not really part of the family...but yeah. You're special as well. You've helped give me more confidence. Confidence I didn't know I needed...and confidence that will probably get me in trouble in the future. But it's fine. Because I love it. And I love you. Not as a partner, but in the same way I love Valery. That I love Kahlil. That I love Cora....and I guess Ko, but don't tell him I told you that. You've all helped me so much."

Shan took in a deep breath after all those words. Wow. He could really talk when he was in the mood for it. But he had a lot he had to get off his chest. It was also a lot more relaxing to suddenly feel the pressure of dating Colette of his shoulders. Now he could just act like he normally would around people. And it was a lot easier to just be normal around Colette. it was strange. When they were dating, it felt like they couldn't really understand each other but now Shan felt like he understood her perfectly.

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

"First off, wrong, you are definitely part of the family." Colette said and grinned. "I think all of their padawans are in some way or the other."

"Second off, c'mere." This time there was no offer. She wrapped her arms around Shan to hug him close in the same way that a friend would. Hell, it was even one of those things she felt more than able to give him as opposed to — well, everything else.

Eventually she would let him go and merely smile.

"Did, uh…" She chuckled to herself for a moment. "Did the air just get a little easier to breathe for you too?"

 

[Shan Pavond]

It was ironic. In a way, Shan felt less alone with Colette just being his friend as opposed to being his girlfriend. It was strange to think about if he was being honest to him but he wasn't going to focus on that thought. Not for long as he returned the hug, breaking out into a grin as Colette let go of him and he shrugged his shoulders at her comment.

"I mean, it's always been easy for me to breathe. Just in and out. I mean, I dunno how you breathe but..."

Teasing. It felt good to tease again. Part of him felt bad at the idea of teasing Zaiya. She was his student and he felt like he shouldn't tease her. But in his eyes, Colette was one of his equals. So that was fair game when it came to teasing.

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

Her fist gently nudged against his arm with a weak laugh.

"I breathe just fine, you— clown."

Her shoulders shook with a jovial mirth. It felt good to be back to this. Not that they didn't have their moments together before this, but it felt just a little bit more easier now.

"You know, maybe we should have seen the signs. I mean, my pet is a cat. Your pet is a rat."
"You're a vegetarian, I love meat…"

She grinned.

"I'm really smart, you're the dumbest man alive…"

 

[Shan Pavond]

"Hey. You act like I picked Sewer Rat. Sewer Rat picked me and I haven't had the heart to get rid of him. He just...clings onto me most of the time, unless I've given him food. And hey! I'm not a compulsory vegetarian. I'll eat meat...if I have to. But I'd rather not. The idea of killing another creature for my own comfort and not for survival just feels...weird."

Shan shrugged his shoulders at that, breaking out into his own little grin at Colette's comment, pointing his index finger in her direction for a moment.

"Dumbest man alive, yes. But not the dumbest man to exist. So thus, I am not that dumb."

It was nice. Joking. It ironically made Shan feel like he belonged again. How curious it was that he felt more at home when they were just friends compared to dating...Maybe dating was a bad idea. Well, he totally didn't see any more dates in his foreseeable future. totally not.

Colette

 

[Colette]

Shan Pavond

"Well, that's still not the same. Meat contains enough nutrients to— well, you already know all of this." Colette said and smiled.

Just as much as she wanted to continue talking, there was an awkward silence that began to grow for her. She had already said what she needed to say, and now came the part where she would have to live with it. Rather than allowing the silence to stay for any moment longer than it had to, Colette opted to nip it at the bud.

"I… Have some things I need to attend to. And, as sad as it will most likely make me later that this happened, I think…"
"No, I know it will be for the best in the long run."
"You take care out there, okay? Don't get any stupid ideas, we still need you around, Doctor Pavond."

 

[Shan Pavond]

"I ain't a Doctor yet. Probably won't be for a while anyway. Teaching Zaiya is more important than my own future in my eyes. She's part of the next generation."

Shan gave a small wave at that, hopping up to his feet with a grin. If anything, he didn't seem to be too solemn over what had happened...but maybe he was keeping it up inside of himself. Who knew? He just stretched his back out for a moment before rolling his shoulders back, keeping a grin spread across his face as he looked over towards Colette.

"I'm gonna go get back to my own training though. Stay safe Colette."

Colette