Star Wars Roleplay: Chaos

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Approved Species The Bryn'adul | Rescript

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OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION
  • Intent: To provide a mutant creature that will serve to disrupt teleportation and enemy movements in a broad area around it, thus securing defenses against a threat the Bryn'adul has faced on multiple occasions.
  • Image Credit: N/A
  • Canon: N/A
  • Permissions: Meta Permission
  • Links: Teleport | Quilxyn | Force Detector
GENERAL INFORMATION
  • Name: Rescript
  • Designation: Non-Sentient
  • Origins: Laboratories throughout the Bryn'adul Territory
  • Average Lifespan: Fourteen Months
  • Estimated Population Rare
  • Description:
    A stationary mutant with a great deal of genetic material taken from the Quilxyn, this creature performs vital work, sensing the area for high Midichlorian counts which do not simultaneously give off indications of belonging to one of the accepted races of the Bryn'adul. Once it has detected these in its proximity, it reacts violently, dispersing a sonic wave to hurl them outside of its energy field.
PHYSICAL INFORMATION
  • Breathes: N/A
  • Average Height of Adults: 1.8 Meters
  • Average Length of Adults: 1 Meter
  • Skin color: Orange, Yellow, Grey
  • Hair color: N/A
  • Distinctions: Large bulbous creatures with innate abilities related to sensing Force Users and sonic wave manipulation. The Rescript has been genetically modified to measure the number of Midichlorians in an area, acknowledge non-Bryn'adul forms containing many of them, and subsequently react with a pulse of sonic energy at these targets. The Rescript lacks any hands or feet with which to move and remains stationary unless handled.
  • Races: N/A
  • Force Sensitivity Non-Sensitive

Strengths:

      • Sonic Field - The greatest strength and function of the Rescript is the ability to detect hostile Force Users and lash out at them by means of a sonic pulse. This wave is focused primarily on hurling an opponent outside of the energy field at high speeds. Notably, the pulse is highly directed toward its target, meaning that other friendly or non-FS entities may safely exist inside of its field.
      • Biological - The Rescript is a living being, and cannot be shut down by means of EMP/ION weaponry, nor can it be destabilized through slicing or other conventional or unconventional means of electronic or mechanical disruption.
      • Regeneration - If the Rescript is wounded, it may begin to slowly bind and heal its own wounds. This is not a particularly rapid affair but allows for a single creature to operate for a longer period of time, especially if it is only exposed to occasional small-arms fire.
Weaknesses:

      • Stationary - The Rescript is incapable of self-perpetuated movement. As such, if it is going to be transferred, it must be brought to its new location by others.
      • Biological - The Rescript is a living and breathing creature. It must be fed and hydrated, given a homeostatic environment, and is susceptible to targeted viruses or bacteria. It is also impossible to revive a dead Rescript, whereas a destroyed shield generator can simply be provided new parts and maintenance.
      • Non Force Users - Designed as a method of preventing teleportation or Force-Speed using Jedi from infiltrating friendly lines, the Rescript is adept at preventing those specific enemies and striking at them first. While it can attack Non Force-Sensitives, they will always have the opportunity to take the first shot, as the Rescript only retaliates in the vague direction of where it was wounded.
CULTURE

    • Diet: Ambient Energy/Nutrient Pastes
    • Communication: Data based telepathy (like code programming)
    • Technology level: N/A
    • Religion/Beliefs: N/A
    • General behavior: The Rescripts, like their Quilxyn progenitors, possess very few active behaviors off of the battlefield and instead spend their time simply monitoring the world around them. This is as a result of their streamlined way of thinking, though the Rescripts have been known to demonstrate an odd 'appreciation' for the universe when questioned specifically about it, indicating sensations that have been recognized as an attempt at joy. When injured, the Rescript may shout out in pain and its energy field may pulsate providing a brief instance of 2-5 seconds of field failure.
      • Combat Function: To provide a stabilized energy field around a distance of up to 30meters. Within this field, the Rescript patiently observes for signs of enemy Jedi presence. Upon detecting these presences, the Rescript will fire off a precise sonic wave by means of a loud "scream" meant to launch the target outside of the field at high speeds. While these sonic blasts are unlikely to kill a target, they are liable to cause tinnitus, nausea, and the kinetic force of striking into a barrier at high speed may cause additional trauma. Ultimately, the means that the creature uses to fight means it does not take the initiative to fire upon non-Force-Sensitives, but will retaliate in their general direction if it is wounded.
Rescripts that are within one another's fields will add their range to that of the collective. That means that two Rescripts together would form a field of about 60 meters and three would form a field of 90 meters. This is the maximum number of Rescripts that may form a single field together. In an unfortunate twist of fate, having four within a field has a habit of causing their sonic bursts to unintentionally strike one another and cancel out thereby causing a barrier toward deployment of too many Rescripts in an area.
HISTORICAL INFORMATION

A difficult to counter threat and issue arose throughout the continued war between the Bryn'adul and the Silver Jedi Concord: In the midst of battles on Sev Tok, Nar Kreeta, and especially on the world of Yurb, the Bryn'adul came face to face with hostile Force Sensitives capable of teleporting throughout the battlefield and wreaking havoc, whether by means of launching themselves at opponents, decapitating the Baedurin warriors who were fielded, or even by the sudden bombardment of friendly regiments with entire housing blocks.

Seeking a method of preventing this chaotic force ability on future battlegrounds, the Aeravalin scientists of the Bryn'adul set about the work of experimenting on the most directly relevant creature under their control: the Quilxyn. Already the Quilxyn had been mutated and utilized in different ways in order to provide shielding for their vessels, bases, and even individual units. Now it became necessary to refocus the field of a select few mutants in order to detect something that was inscrutable with the naked eye. Building off of the template of the Quilxyn, and utilizing a number of bio-technological innovations and genetic materials extracted from other beasts, the Rescript was created.

Working since their first encounters with the threat of teleportation and Force Speed, these scientists have only recently made headway with the introduction of the Rescript. Deployment has already begun of these creatures to super-constructs throughout the dominion of the Bryn'adul Crusade.
 
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Osam Osam

I've put a lot of thought into this so I apologize ahead of time if it seems overly verbose. Please don't hesitate to ask for clarification if anything doesn't make sense. I'm going to try and shy away from the majority of the information from the previous review, however, there will still be some overlap.

Overview: Just to make sure I'm following...It seems that this was initially submitted as an NPC based on the Quilxyn Species submitted by Tathra Khaeus Tathra Khaeus . The Judge that picked it referred you to make the NPC Submission a Species of its own, which, I do agree with. Judges may and should ask for that if they deem it a requirement per the NPC Creation Rules. The intent for this submission, in a nutshell, is to stop all forms of teleportation within a certain vicinity. It seems that you both tried to work on it, however, the more you went over–The less viable the species seemed to be.

This culminated in two choices: 1.) Rework, entirely. 2.) Deny and follow through with a 2nd Chance.

I think that about sums it up, but, correct me if I'm crazy/wrong.



There are multiple concerns with this submission as it currently stands.

1.) Science: It's a beautiful thing. I can see the effort that you've made here but I can see breaking down sentences like this "patiently observes for signs of rapid entropic degradation and promptly corrects these occurrences by means of highly specific particle stabilization" would lead us down a rabbit hole I've no desire to travel. I won't be debating "Entropy" or "Quantum Particles/Entanglement/Mechanics" in this review. The issues present have very little to do with the science provided (sound or otherwise) and everything to do with Star Wars, plus, how it accidentally forces a hit on others.

Force Teleportation [Teleport/Fold Space/Mental Powers/Force Travel/Force Storm (Wormholes)]: They never mention anything about "particles" or "unstable particles" being present in order to provide the desired effect. There are assumptions made in this submission about what the Force is and isn't while at the same time seeming to state that "this" is the way Force Teleport works when in truth—We don't know that. This approach unfortunately feels more like you're addressing Star Trek beaming tech than Star Wars. More importantly, the language utilized provides no means of avoidance. Essentially, to anyone who gets close via teleportation, it's an auto-hit.​
Example:
  • When injured, the Rescript may shout out in pain and its energy field may pulsate, though this is so rapid that attempting to teleport between pulses is all but impossible.
  • Any attempts at teleporting into or within the field will be shunted outward.
Technological Teleportation: Not really a thing in Factory these days, unless, it's Force-Based. Canon examples are usually Rakata/Gree technology and those are banned. So, this section would lean more toward the notes in the previous section.​
2.) Creature Feature: When you choose an existing Species to base your creation on it should reflect the strengths and weaknesses of the parent species to some degree. Since you've created your own species though, in truth, if you named it something new and considered it a NEW species where only "certain aspects" of the old species were adapted? Sort of like how we pick and choose traits to make Sith Spawn?

That could be a solid workaround.

3.) Affected Area: 61m is the length of three bowling lanes. That in its own right is huge, however, they can be added together and increase the size of the field exponentially? I realized that this was toned down already but it is still far too large an area.
  • Per the Template: Rare (A few groups, often limited to a single world) - This means that there could be dozens, hundreds of them, during a single invasion if they were moved around and transported. It states "groups" and there is no specification on what a group may be.
  • "Rescripts that are within one another's fields will add their range to that of the collective. That means that two Rescripts together would form a field of about 122 meters and three would form a field of 183 meters and so on. There is no upper limit to this collection, but each individual Rescript must remain active and alive to add to the field."

4.) Taozin: This was a good suggestion, but, it really doesn't represent the link you're trying to create between this Submission and Canon Lore.
  • The Taozin are Force-Sensitive beings while Rescripts are not. This is the largest and most important fact that makes all the difference in the world.
  • If you read the Wookie Page closely you can see that the Taozin "interferes with sense abilities" of "Force-Sensitives" which causes them to appear invisible in the Force. They actually aren't targeting. They've adapted as Force-Sensitive Creatures to use a variant of Force Stealth/Concealment to shield themselves. That's something an NFU wouldn't really be able to do or compensate for.
  • In essence - It's close if you squint from a distance - But no cigar.


How Do We Make It Work: I hate denying submissions, plus, I hate making people rewrite them. I'd like you to have your cake and eat it too so I have some suggestions for you.

I know you're not fond of the Ysalamir so I won't push that. Instead, I have a new thought. You DO NOT have to go this way but I was trying to think of something that could give you the general "effect" you're looking for without running into the problems above.
  • Scrap the overly complicated science that we can't really prove. Equip the Rescrips with some sort of Force Detector that allows them to sense Force Users as they approach. This is Canon Technology so we know it's possible without too much fuss. It could even be tweaked to target specific life forms without Brynadul genetic code, thusly, not sending your brethren headfirst into a wall. When the FU's get close enough by any means, walking, teleporting, etc - They could pulse and attempt to throw the FU's away from them with a kinetic burst. Or, if you want to be cheeky, since everyone uses "sonic defenses" as a dump stat that they think no one will ever choose to attack with...Have it be a sonic blast. If you didn't want it to be overly damaging you could have the "sonic blast" potentially leave them with a bad case of tinnitus, dizziness, and unchecked nausea. Maybe, it comes from the "shouts" you mentioned above. Perhaps, they do it more than only when in pain?

    This would let you keep most of the Lore you've written thus far. As soon as any Non-Bryn-FU comes near? It tries to shove them away. This would include those teleporting in, though, they would be in its space for a second or two. Just long enough for it to react. That's actually a possible weakness you could add.

  • Lower the Affected Area

  • Alter the language from definitive statements like "Any Attempts" or "All but impossible" to reflect that it isn't an auto-hit.

  • Give the Species a new name. Make it clear that only certain parts of the Quilxyn were used in its creation and that certain weaknesses were eliminated, but, that it left others in its place. Nothing is perfect.



All right - That's all I've got for now. I did my best to illustrate the issues, plus, attempted to provide you with a viable solution that would offer the desired effect. If you have other ideas I'd be open to hearing them, of course. I just wanted to offer up some sort of possibility that could be mutually agreeable. If you have any questions, please, feel free to reach out.

Tag me when you're ready for me to take another look.
 
Srina Talon Srina Talon

Your overview was completely correct. That was the situation.

While I hate to abandon my pseudo-science, I understand why it could present some future issues, especially given the overall "weird" nature of the Force and its circumvention of natural laws and things like that.

Along with all of your other helpful points and comments, I've gone ahead and made a significant number of changes to the Species:
  • Removed the "Quilxyn" part of the name. The creature is now simply just a "Rescript". The only references to Quilxyn now point out that it was one of the major genetic donators to the creature, but it is mentioned in the Description that genes from other beasts were also taken.
  • Added the Force Detector link to the Links at the top of the page.
  • Got rid of all the fancy pseudo-science talk.
  • Replaced the entropy stabilizing stuff with a sonic wave launched out by the Rescript when it detects a Force Sensitive who doesn't belong to the Bryn'adul races. (I left that part vague - we know who the races are, but I'd rather not have to change the sub in the future in case we add another species to our ranks.)
  • I think I've gotten rid of the auto-hit stuff. (I honestly didn't even think about it being auto-hit before you mentioned it. This whole time I've been thinking of it more like a shield, but I guess it kinda is a weapon.) The new nature of the Rescript is that it launches a wave - like any projectile, that could probably be dodged if a person is capable enough. I also took your advice and made it Sonic in nature, though the primary focus is still to just chuck someone outside of the field.
  • I've lowered the effective range down to 30. I kept in the part about them being able to gather together and form a larger field - but limited it to three of them for a total range of 90 meters. Any additional Rescripts in that area will lead to them stifling each other.
  • Changed around the Strengths and Weaknesses to reflect the new "Sonic wave" approach to defense. Included a weakness against Non-FU's which can't be specifically targeted by the Rescript, but which it will shoot "towards" if they hit it first.

If there are any other changes that need to be made, please let me know. If any of these changes are problematic, please also let me know. Thank you a ton for all of the helpful advice and information that you've provided so far on this project. :)
 
Osam Osam

You've outdone yourself in re-writing this so quickly. I didn't mean that you had to take my suggestions on fixing it in my last communication but it seems to have worked out rather well. It now appears well-rounded with tons of nifty tidbits that could really make it interesting to fight in a PVP scenario. Quick Note:

Distinctions: Large bulbous creatures with innate abilities typically related to morphism and vampirism.

I think it would benefit the submission if you added a brief note about what these two items do for this creature. It appears to be something that was included from the Quilxyn, though, I'm not 100% sure where it comes into play here. It doesn't have to be anything super involved. Just enough to give the readers an idea of what it means and what effects it could have.

Lastly, you might want to remove Quilxyn from the Submission Title as well.

But - That's all I have. Tag me when you're ready and I'll take one more pass and I'm sure we can get you on your way.

Thank you for working with me, plus, being so understanding. I know it can be difficult to have to alter a vision for a creative piece and it isn't always easy. I think you excelled at it.

Good work.
 
Srina Talon Srina Talon

I'm glad to hear that the rewrite has worked out well.

Per your note, I went ahead and got rid of the Quilxyn part in the Title. In honesty that just slipped my mind. Whoopsy.

I also went ahead and changed the "morphism and vampirism" bit there into "sensing Force Users and sonic wave manipulation" since the original portion was taken verbatim from the Quilxyn sub and generally meant to reference their energy vampirism and the ability they possessed to maneuver their fields around. Since the Rescript no longer has a field, I think it'd make more sense to just focus on these two aspects of its ability.

Thank you so much for all of your help on this submission. I'm grateful for your assistance and for how friendly you've been throughout the process. Even though the creative vision has changed fairly substantially, I'm very happy with where these Rescripts ended up.
 
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