Private The Burdens We Bear

[Caelan Valoren]

ATTIRE: Link
TAGS: Arhiia Voronwe

​

The journey home had been hard. Between bouts of having his arm worked on by healers and medical droids, he'd slept in an uncomfortable cot, doing everything he could to avoid disturbing his shoulder or arm. The pain had grown more intense as they'd worked on it, reconstructing nerve pathways, replacing lost bone with metal. His body was forever altered as a result of his decision to go to Tython, and so was his mind. The innocent boy who'd run away from those attacking him, who'd hid in the depths of Coruscant only taking what he needed to survive, who tried his best to make everyone happy, was gone. That boy wasn't coming back. In an instant of shock and horror, he had mentally aged in order to survive.

Through it all, he only thought of one person, and that was Arhiaa. Not himself, not his mother, not his sisters, just her. He longed to be near her again, if only for the comfort of her strength, but he knew that when they saw each other once more, it would be difficult. Part of him understood what it was like to be a soldier coming back from battle knowing some of his friends had died around him, the burden of taking that knowledge home to tell his friends wives and husbands and children the news of their demise. He knew because he was having to do the same thing himself.

The day after his return from Tython, early in the morning when the temple was quiet, he went to the archives and found the table they had shared. He lay a blue rose atop a handwritten note, and left the archives, only telling the head archivist of what he had done. The note was simple, written in a shaky hand because he could still only use his left, but asked her to come to the gardens to meet with him. It was what they had discussed doing the last time they'd seen each other before he went away. Probably she had wondered where he had gone, but he hoped she didn't think he had run away from her. He hadn't. He never would.

The note delivered, he left for the gardens, wandering among the flowers for a time, searching for a spot where he could wait for her in relative seclusion. What he found was a bench in a small area with a dozen or so rose bushes, and a small fountain which trickled water across its surface to land upon smooth stones underneath, each of those stones slowly being worn down into smaller, smoother forms of themselves, like a polisher would do with a gemstone.

He stared at the water as he sat on the bench, his eyes distant. His right arm was still in a sling, as parts of him were still working on healing naturally. Within the sling, nestled beside his arm, was the lightsaber that had belonged to Iston Voronwe, Arhiaa's father. His mind had drifted back to that day on Tython, those fateful moments where he'd been injured, Annie had been attacked, and Iston had fallen. Those words he'd said echoed in Caelan's mind: Give this... to, my daughter...please... It was a task he would entrust to no other. This was something he had to do, not Annie, not Roman, not any of the others. Just him. He'd promised her father he would take care of her, an that was what he intended to do, which meant he had to be there for her when she found out.

And so he sat, mentally reliving it all again, waiting.

 

[Arhiia Voronwe]

​

Tags: Caelan Valoren
Location: Archives | Gardens
Objective: Meeting
​

It had been sometime since she last saw Caelan — which worried her.

The war on Tython loomed over the temple like a shadow.

Her own Father had come to see her prior to leaving for Tython.

“Arhiia — I leave for Bogan soon. Like your mother, you are strong. You are a good child, with a good heart. I know I’m hard on you my rose, but it’s only because I see the best in you and want the best for you.”

She hadn’t said much to him… other than to wish him luck and for safety. He had told her while on Bogan, the dark moon, he would be helping to retake back the temples that the Dark Empire had tainted. He was capable, he was strong — but he was also getting up there in age, and something afflicted him whether he would tell her or not, she knew and it worried her.

They had their differences, but she loved him all the same.

Here lately their relationship had improved. She found herself talking to him more in the mornings while getting ready, walking with him down the halls and enjoying his quiet presence in the evening times. Kel had been right — all she needed was to look past her own pain and see his and love him where he was at.

Her father — the Force Brigadier, whether she would openly admit it, she was proud and knew he would help out where he could but impatiently awaited his return… but even then, something deep down ate at her, gnawed, gave pause.

Which brought her to Caelan.

She and several other Padawans she knew were not chosen to go to war on Tython… but that being said, she hadn’t seen Caelan. Not during class changes, on the sparring mats, mess hall… no where.

As she came to the Archives like the always did, clockwork — she paused at her table as she peered down at the blue rose, a flutter felt in her chest as her delicate hand came down and picked it up — moving it to her nose as she took a slow and deep inhale of its floral scent. Then… she saw the note.

“Meet me at the gardens.”

Leaving her books on the table, she cradled the rose as she exited quickly from the Archives and straight for the Gardens, a soft smile etched on her lips. It was Caelan — she just knew it.

As she entered the Gardens, her breath hitched just slightly and strands of her hair loosened from her bun — she peered around, her eyes intently looking for Calean until she spotted him by the fountain. Rushing over, her mind raced and her heart thrummed steadily in her chest.

He hadn’t forgotten about her — and this romantic gesture, her favorite flower, maybe he’d been away with his Master and had been unable to contact her. But — these were short lived theories as her smile slowly faded.

He was rough. His arm was in a sling. His countenance had fallen… and his eyes… were different. Distant, hurt and sad. As she stood in front of him holding her rose that he’d picked for her, she spoke, her voice ringing out in the air.

“Caelan… what happened to you? Is this why I haven’t seen you lately? Did you get hurt on a training mission?” Her questions fishing for an answer as her eyes continued to scan him over — something slowly beginning to creep within her as she began to pull back. “Where have you been Caelan?”

​

 

[Caelan Valoren]

ATTIRE: Link
TAGS: Arhiia Voronwe

He didn't know how long he'd sat there. Long enough. Not that he was upset about having to wait, he'd anticipated that, just that he'd lost track of the time, watching the water bubble and spill over the sides of the fountain. In his mind all he could see was blood spewing up, splashing on stone, dousing everything in gore. It was a terrible thing to see over and over again, but he didn't shy away from it, just stared as if mesmerized.

In reality he wasn't really seeing it. His mind was, but he wasn't even paying attention to his mind, locked deep into his subconscious. All he could think about was her, and what he was going to have to tell her. How much it was going to hurt her. How much it hurt him to have to be the one to hurt her. But he would do it because, at the end of the day, he cared more about her than he did himself, and more than the people back on Lazerian, which might not have been a good thing, but it was the truth.

When he felt her approaching, he came back to reality. The water in the fountain was just water, not blood. There were flowers surrounding them, not carnage, and she was really there. She spoke, and he sighed. Not because of what she said, but because her voice made him feel safe, grounded in reality. It was relief that coursed through him, knowing that here, with her, was not the death that was there.

His eyes found hers before he spoke.

"I went to Tython."

Those words hung heavy in the air. He should not have gone. Even before he left he knew that, but his desire to help was so overwhelming that he just couldn't resist it no matter how hard he tried. Annie was going, so he went too. It was a fateful mistake, one he had learned much from, one that continued to hurt his soul even still. No amount of healing could fix the horror that he'd witnessed and experienced. Only time and acceptance that this was part of the life he now lead could fix that.

"I wanted to help the healers, had planned to stay far from danger," he said, lifting his left hand and opening it out to her for her to take, eyes pleading with her to do so. "But danger found me, again. I ended up pulled into the fighting alongside Anneliese and two others. I didn't want to go, but Annie wouldn't let me leave her side for fear of something happening to me. But it did. We were attacked by three Sith. One of them attacked from behind Annie and when I tried to stop him, he stabbed me through the shoulder."

He realized he'd involuntarily left out the fact that one of those he was with was her father. Perhaps he didn't want to tell her that yet, or perhaps it just was that hard to bring the words out. Probably both. He wanted to make sure he had her close to him before he told her, because he was afraid that she would run off somewhere and he would have a hard time following her. How could he be there for her, if he couldn't be with her? The weight of Iston's saber within his sling threatened to pull him down further.

"We survived, the two of us, out of the four in total. Just Annie and I."

Survived wasn't quite the right word for it. There was no surviving what he had seen, not in full. His body had made it through, his care for her had, but his mind had been broken, his spirit shattered. Parts of it had come back together, but the rest would take a long time, and he hoped that she would be part of the process of healing.

 

[Arhiia Voronwe]

​

Tags: Caelan Valoren
Location: Gardens
​

Her countenance fell when the words Tython escaped his lips. Her fist tightened as her fingers cracked, her lip twisting with anger as her eyes sharpened on him — a worried, hurt and angered tone breaking forth as her voice quivered.

“That wasn’t very well thought out.” The kindest way she could think to call his actions stupid. Upon hearing the details however, her heart dropped to her stomach as her sharp gaze befell his arm which was slung in place.

Pushing her anger down, she walked quietly over to him as she place her delicate hands on his shoulder — fastidiously examining it, as if she somehow she didn’t trust the healers competency when it came to Caelan. Her eyes were calculating as she stared up at him and spoke. “It seems fine — but I would make sure you keep up with your physical therapy so you gain full use of the arm and muscle back.” She paused as her eyes went back to his arm, concern and sympathy in her tone. “I will help oversee your therapy visits — to make sure your not taking any short cuts.”

As he continued to unfold the events that happened, he mentioned several names. “Sounds to me that I owe a debt of gratitude to this Annie person… I hope you thanked her as well.”

However, as he continued, his tone began to sour.

The way he explained it, she felt that he began to omit key details — not from lack of knowledge she felt, because Caelan was detailed like her, she appreciated that trait… but he knew something about the ones that fell in the line of duty. “Did you know the ones that fell?” He question fishing for answers.

Dead silence hung in the air, tension now looming over head — palpable, heavy.

Her mind went to her Father once again… if Caelan was back, that meant others were as well. Why hasn’t she heard from her Father yet? She did her best to dismiss the growing fear in her mind, it did nothing. It served no purpose. Her father was probably still on the front lines helping to clean the mess up, commanding others as he did so well.

The pit ever growing in her stomach.

​

 

[Caelan Valoren]

ATTIRE: Link
TAGS: Arhiia Voronwe

"It wouldn't have bothered me if you said it more strongly," he said, watching her eyes. "I know it was foolish of me to have gone."

That was something that literally everyone had made apparent to him, himself included. Going hadn't been the right thing to do even if he'd thought he could help out. Wanting to contribute didn't mean he had to go into a warzone. Contributing should have meant he remained at the temple and went about his studies so he could be better prepared in the future, so that he could go out there once he knew how to handle himself and what needed to be done wouldn't shock him as greatly as it had.

His hand fell into his lap as she fussed over him. In part he was happy for it. The concern she expressed for him made him feel warm inside where he'd only been feeling cold lately. The medical staff had done a good job of fixing him, but she was right that it would take a lot of physical therapy to get his arm back into working order. And he didn't mind the help.

"I would be grateful if you would go to them with me. Your presence brings me no small amount of comfort, Arhiaa. As for Annie, she's my adoptive big sister, Anneliese Kaohal. She's also a padawan, though much more experienced. She was injured as well, though will recover, same as I."

Until now. Now he had experience in things he didn't really want to have experienced. Once again, the visions filled his mind and he ground his teeth and closed his eyes for a moment, working to make them go away. In time, he knew, they would go. In time. Time is a valuable thing. There was only so much of it in a day, in a lifetime even. His parents had proven that when their lives were cut unexpectedly short. He couldn't take a single minute for granted. There was that old adage: live like you're dying. He felt that was his life now.

When she asked if he knew the ones that fell, he nodded. He didn't know the Knight who had fallen, though he had every intent on finding out their name so that he could remember it. But the other? That was a large part of why he was there. Their meeting having two purposes: his need to see her, and his need to tell her the news.

With a deep breath, he stood, facing her as the weight of what he was about to do came crashing down upon him. The words from both Iston and his mother, about being strong, rang in his head and he steeled his countenance knowing that the strength he needed wasn't for himself, but for her. She needed him now, and she needed him not to wallow in the misery of what he had experienced. For her, he resolved to do that. For her, he would do anything, including lay down his life if need be.

"I did know one of them," he said, as he reached his good hand into his sling and pulled out Iston's lightsaber, holding it in his hand and offering it to her. "His name was Iston Voronwe, and he fell in battle on Tython while killing a Sith. Before he died, he gave this to me, to return to his daughter, because he loves her, and wants her to know that."

With those words he fell silent, watching her, preparing to face her reaction, open to the fact that it was within her rights to hate him since her father had died to defend him and Annie. He would still be there for her.

 

[Arhiia Voronwe]

​

Tags: Caelan Valoren
Location: Gardens | Prosperity

​

She grinned slightly when he relinquished and said she could go with him to his physical therapy — she was used to winning arguments, nothing her father frequently mentioned when she would stand her ground like an unmovable mountain.

That and it made her feel special.

He mentioned the name Annie once again and then further expounded on his relationship with her. Adoptive sister? When did this happen? It must have been recently because Arhiia didn’t recall the name ever being mentioned prior, either that or to her chagrin she’d forgotten it which in her book, wasn’t alright.

However, what took place next, nothing, no amount of bracing, steadying herself — nothing would have prepared her for it.

As he reached in his sling after he stood up, he began to pull something out until as he did, her heart broke — rend from her chest and stomped on the ground before her eyes was an extremely and intimately familiar lightsaber… her fathers.

Shock overtook her entire body as all hint of emotion faded from her face, her usually intense sapphire eyes completely taken back.

Ashla — great mother — I - it’s hard to breathe. No… it, it can’t be… please by the force, not him.

She internally said as her face, drained of all color stared at the saber in his hand. It was strange, she stood still yet the ground beneath her seemed to be yanked out from her. She felt like falling… and there was nothing to catch her.

She let out a shaky breath finally, her breath seen now visibly as the area around them began to get eerily cold — the expression in her eyes growing cold, harsh and volatile… her voice stinging out into the air like an animal clawing its way out from her throat.

“Liar.” She said, like the crack of a whip. “Your lying — he, he can’t be… dead.” The words slapping her in the face more than anything.

She took another sharp breath as her body quivered, the fountain behind Caelan now freezing over slightly as the area around the temperature beginning to plummet — beautiful planets and fauna frosting over — a violent reaction to the storm that now built and raged within Arhiia.

“LIAR!” Denial still clinging to her as she stepped back, her face contorted with grief as tears began to roll down her cheeks, the saber clenched in her hand. “He — can’t be…” Her eyes narrowed at Caelan. “It’s your fault.” The words emphasized on every syllable… but she didn’t mean it, but the anger spewing out of her lips like poison.

She felt dizzy but the anger continued to swell within her as the ground around her began to react violently to the eerie power that now poured freely from her. The hurt and loss of her mother, and the guilt she’d carried — and now, the loss of her only parent, a man she’d treated poorly and now would never be able to make it up too.

“No…. Daddy….”

Clutching her head and her chest she backed up as a sob tore from her mouth, her eyes filled with unbridled hate and anger. Hate for the war in Tython, hate for how she’d been, anger for the things she said, anger for Iston going to war and leaving her alone now.

Formations of ice jutted up and from the ground around her as a breeze picked up — the unforgiving cold that emanated from her an outward extension of the deep turmoil within.

A group of Padawans that became onlookers to the scene all murmured and spoke in hushed and worried tones as one ran off, presumably to get a Master as she heard their whispers echoing in her ear as a hurt look came upon her face, her eyes fixing on them as she screamed aloud, the moan coming out amplified by the force as glass windows shattered the garden green house.

“Shut up! Leave me alone! Go away!!!”

A crystalline structure of ice barreled straight at them as they all dispersed and fell to the ground to dodge the attack. She’d been a victim in the past of being called weird, cold, distant… she wasn’t in the mood to suffer their sneeeinf or their teasing… she wanted everyone to feel her pain, to feel what it felt like to have your heart torn from your chest and broken.

Shards of ice spun around Arhiia as she stared down at the ground, tears freezing the moment they came out as she stared at the saber, remembering her fathers voice, lost in her own trance.

“My flower, my great love — you look so much like your mother.”

“You must be strong, you must endure.”

“As the force wills — as is my duty…”

“Believe in yourself, you are stronger than I could ever be my love.”

“I am proud of you Arhiia…”

“Even in the darkness, there is light. You must become that light…”

Iston was gone, and she was alone.

She was alone.

​

 

[Caelan Valoren]

ATTIRE: Link
TAGS: Arhiia Voronwe

The reaction wasn't unexpected. The stare. He understood. When he'd been told his parents were dead? It was the same reaction. The stare, the slow cognitive process of connecting the dots. The overwhelming hurt that flooded into him knowing they were gone, that he was alone. Then the denial. It was natural. Her words, when she called him a liar, cut him deeper than a lightsaber ever could. Not because she believed what she said, but because he knew her pain.

A coldness seeped into the air around them, emanating from her. The fountain? Frozen. Even he shivered for a moment, trying to fight the cold away. The air was crystalline. His breath turned into a thousand tiny shards in the air about him.

My heart that it was me that died and not him.

And it was his fault. He accepted full responsibility. If he hadn't gone to Tython, hadn't been the one taken into their party, if someone who was capable had been there in his stead, it was likely that her father would have survived. He could be there for her. He could continue to raise her and she could show him that she did love him, that she understood the pain of losing her mother because it affected her as well. But that chance was gone and it was his fault. Nothing he could do would ever bring the man back that had raised her from birth. He could not take the place of her father, and he wasn't going to try, he was just going to love her.

A couple of others watched and gawked at her. He stared at them, trying to get them to leave, but it was her actions that caused that, ice shot towards them, but Caelan reached out and caught it before it could strike them. When it was all over, she would hate herself if she knew that she'd hurt anyone, and he didn't want her to feel the way he did about having killed people. She might think she was ready, but she wasn't. No one ever was.

Greenhouse windows shattered, ice shards began to circle around her and he stepped back for a moment before clipping her father's lightsaber to his belt. She hadn't taken it yet, her grief too strong. But he understood. All too well he understood her pain.

"I made your father a promise, Arhiaa," he said as he looked at her, a whirlwind of ice, pain and hurt. "I promised him I would take care of you, that I would always be there for you. I aim to keep that promise."

Despite the weakened state of his own body, he knew what he needed to do, and he thought back to that first time they'd met in the archives, how he'd calmed her when she was at her weakest, how he'd brought her back, not with words, but with song, song that could cut through the darkness, the pain, could bring her back to him where she belonged. He needed her, but right now she needed him to be strong. Strong. STRONG. His mother and Iston's words meant so much to him now.

"When your world breaks down,
and the voices tell you turn around.
When your dreams give out,
I will carry you.
Carry you."

The words started soft at first before rising from him, growing louder until he was certain that she heard them, even through the thunderous pain inside of her. And he started forward, letting the shards of ice strike him. They battered and bruised him, ripping apart the sling on his arm, causing it to drop to his side, and he fought the pain that the motion brought to him because he couldn't be weak. Never again.

"When the stars go blind,
and the darkness starts to flood your eyes.
When you're fallin' behind, I will carry you."

Blood started to drip from him as shards slashed at his skin and clothes. Cuts appeared on his cheek and forehead, his arms, all about him. A few pieces of ice struck him and caused him to drop to a knee as they embedded themselves deep. It hurt, but he stood again, still being battered by it all, and moved towards her, until he was close enough that he could wrap his arms around her. Only one could hold her with any force, but the other would still be felt, and he ignored any feeling of physical pain to pull her against him while he sang for her.

"You should know now,
that you're not alone.
Take my heart and we will find,
you will find,
your way home."

He held her as tight against him as he could, even though it was freezing cold. Parts of him began to feel the freeze, a burning sensation setting in within his extrimities. But he held her, and refused to let go. Never would he let go. He would be there for her no matter what, even if they should die together, frozen in the gardens.

"You have me, Arhiaa. You're not alone. Come back to me, and we can find home."

 

[Arhiia Voronwe]

​

Tags: Caelan Valoren
Location: Gardens
​

Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens.. and as the torrent of ice raged on, it was extremely evident.

A sleeper had awoken from her slumber -- the motivating factor? The loss of everything she'd ever loved.

She felt nothing but anger... deep unbridled anger.... pain, multiplied by the shame and guilt she now felt as she mourned the loss of her Father. As she stood in the middle of the Gardens, the beautiful but deadly maelstrom that surrounded her, she could make out bits of words that were spoke around her... but over that spoke another voice, one even more familiar.

"My Daughter, my great love... do not mourn me -- for I will always be with you, as will your mother."

"You deserve to suffer.... you deserve to be alone.."

A sob broke free from her lips as she spoke aloud. "Dad... I miss you so much... I'm so sorry." Her body shaking as a melody began to chime within her head, began to caress and comfort, another voice, equally powerful now echoing in her mind.

"You have me, Arhiaa. You're not alone. Come back to me, and we can find home."

"You'll always be alone -- give in to the grief.

"Arhiia, you are stronger than you believe..."

"Find your way home Arhiia...."

"Give in to the anger, let them feel your grief..."

Several voices began to vie for first place as both her hands came up to her head, a scream erupting forth as she gripped tightly. It was too much -- just too much. She was afraid, she was alone -- and there was no one... Until.

"You have me, Arhiaa. You're not alone. Come back to me, and we can find home."

She felt two arms embrace her wholly, completely and safely. Opening her eyes and lifting her head, her sapphire eyes now fully coherent found Caelan's, shock and horror filled in both at what she'd done... but she just stared at him as the storm around them stopped, time itself frozen -- his loving embrace now beginning to melt the heart of ice and calm the tempest.

A sob erupted from her chest as he looked gently at her, her lip quivering as she spoke. "I didn't love him enough -- I wasn't kind enough... and now, I'll never get to say anything..." Tears flowed freely down her cheeks as she spoke. "My dad... is dead, he's dead..." Leaning into Caelan she sobbed uncontrollably. "I'll never get to tell him how much I loved him..." Her hands gripping his shirt. "I have nothing... nothing of him, nothing of mom... I --... I can't... I.. I don't..." Her words failing as her mind tried to piece together the shattered pieces of her heart.

It felt like she could not catch her breath -- her mind now reeling and grappling with the reality of the death of her Father. The ice around them would drop to the ground as her body slumped and she fell to her knees. Curling up and into the fetal position, Arhiia sobbed -- she wanted to die, she wanted to cease to exist... why? Why did this have to happen? What was the purpose in it? Was it a sick joke?

​

 

[Caelan Valoren]

ATTIRE: Link
TAGS: Arhiia Voronwe

It took time but his words seemed to sink in and the cold began to dissipate. He had been worried for a few moments that he was losing her, that she was too far gone, that she'd break into nothingness. Now he fully understood what Annie had gone through in bringing him back from his reaction on Tython. He hurt for her that he'd harmed her as he had. No sister deserved that. She'd been there for him when he needed her and then he'd turned around and betrayed her trust, going so far as to cause direct harm to her. Truly, he did not deserve her as a sibling.

But Arhiaa. He hurt her for her so much. He hurt for her because he knew exactly how she felt. He'd never gotten to tell his mom and dad he loved them again. They were just... gone. While he still felt a connection to his mother, there was nothing with his father, and that pain was something that was hard to get over. He'd been hiding it for quite a while, but it had all come crashing down on him on Tython when he'd witnessed death. It had made him a scared, weak and useless person in a matter of seconds.

Since then he'd resolved to be stronger, to be willing to do what was necessary, but to never enjoy it. And now his love needed him. She was hurting and so he kept a focus upon her, holding her close, though she would eventually slip from his arms and curl up on the ground. Understanding her plight did not make things better for her. She needed more than understanding. She needed comfort.

"Arhiaa," he said as he knelt down beside her. "You think you have nothing of them, but you are wrong. You are literally them. They made you, and because of that, they're always with you. The Force was with them and you. Though both have gone to the living Force, they are never far from you."

He reached out a hand and brushed her hair lightly, then caressed her cheek. Then his hand pulled out her fathers saber and he forced it into her grip, gently closing her fingers around it.

"Inside that saber is your father's lightsaber crystal. Our crystals become bound to us when find them and there's a connection that doesn't end unless the crystal is destroyed. I know it's small comfort, but you should keep your father's crystal at the least. I wear my mother's, and when I was hurting on Tython, upset over your father's death, my mother appeared to me through the Force because of the connection through the crystal.

"He knew you loved him, though. You may not have said it, but he knew, and that's why he wanted to make sure this came to you. He knew you needed to have it."

Reaching gently, he scooped his good arm beneath her and lifted her enough that she was at least partially within his lap rather than just resting on the ground. He didn't want her to feel alone, and he knew that physical touch was one of the greatest ways to make someone feel comforted and cared for.

"I'll never leave you, Arhiaa. You're always going to have me until the day we grow old and pass into the Force. My entire life, from this day forward, is dedicated to growing stronger so I can be here for you."