The Life Once Lived

[Kaalia Pavanos]

Bastion of Ren
Virgillia, Outer Rim

Find me.

In a split second Kaalia shot up from her bed, almost like she woke up from a nightmare. That voice wasn't just her dream, it was real. There was no doubt about it. "Why are you here? Why don't you leave me alone!?" Her voice was filled with anger and confusion. It was her former Jedi master's voice, and it hadn't changed a bit since she left. She hated him, despised him, and yet he was here. "If I find you, I will kill you." Kaalia's voice steeled, and cold determination was felt through it. Corruption crept into the eyes of the redhead, its emerald hue changed to a mix of red and sulphur.

I won't stop you from doing so. I only wish to speak to you one more time.

The redhead didn't answer. She got up from her bed and walked over to her closet. A flick through the Force made it fly open with breakneck speed, almost breaking off the door. She took out a set of robes as dark as the sky outside and got dressed. As she walked passed her sabers that rested on small pedestals she called them to her through the Force and clipped them to her belt. The black boots at the door were put on her feet before she walked out. The Force told her where to go, and so she walked. Walked through the hallways, through the gate, outside. If he wanted to die, she would gladly fulfil his wish.

The jungles of Virgillia were haunting at night, but Kaalia found them to be beautiful. She felt at home here and if the one who willed her to come here wasn't someone she hated as much as the one who forced her to be a slave to the Light growing up, she would've taken it in a savored it. As she walked through the greenery she felt the unmistakable presence of her former master getting closer and closer. You never answered me. Why are you here? The force relayed the message to him, the words drenched in anger and darkness.

Because this is my last chance to see you. I want you to know of your origins, Kaalia.

Her origins. He must've meant her parents and her birth planet. Why did you never tell me about them before? Why did you hold that from me!? Her anger flared up again, her corrupted eyes now ablaze. She demanded an answer, and she wanted it now. She knew nothing of her past, her earliest memory being with the one she now set out to end the life of.

Once you have found me, I will tell you everything you want to know.

That answer wasn't what she wanted to hear, but she knew him well enough to know the only way to have him tell her was to get face to face. And so she would.

This is the broken ground
Misery begins to rise
Turn away from yesterday
Tomorrow's in my eyes

Nevermore to be held down
By the wings of history
Nevermore to be cast aside
This day is mine

Even through the darkest days
This fire burns, always
This fire burns, always

I will not be denied
In this final hour
I will not be denied
This day is mine

This passion inside me
Is burning, is burning
This passion inside me
Is burning, is burning

 

[Kaalia Pavanos]

When Kaalia came close she stopped walking. She had, without questioning anything, answered the summoning of a man she despised. For what? Her origins? Her parents abandoned her to have her live a pointless life. Why would she care where she was from, who she descended from? Her home was the galaxy before, the entirety of it, and now it was Virgillia. The Bastion was her home, and she fought to keep it. She didn't care about the goals of the Ren in the slightest, far from it, but they gave her everything she wanted. People she cared about. Tutelage in the Dark side. A place to call home. Being a Knight of Ren was merely a way to repay the Order for that. That was who she was, not the facade that was created by her former master. There was no point in knowing.

And yet, there was a piece of her that craved to know her roots. She could visit the place, see who she could've been. Her parents... That was something more complicated. She hated what they did, but did they know any better? The Jedi, on the surface, seemed like noble people. They could've been lied to as well, and there was only one way to find out. She'd have to talk to the one she travelled the galaxy with growing up. The man she despised. She closed her eyes for a moment, they were still filled with the corruption of the Dark side, before resuming her trek through the jungle.

A clearing came into view, and the presence of her former master was almost overwhelming now. It brought back many memories, but she didn't cherish them. It only fuelled her anger more as she recalled her memories of being force-fed lies of the good of the Light. She resisted the urge to pull out her sabers and immediately kill the man. She wanted answers, and so that had to wait. She breathed in a steady but heavy rythm as she stepped into the clearing, now standing face to face with the man that effectively raised her. "Sorin." It was the first time in her life she had called him anything else than 'master', and it felt off. He wasn't her master anymore, however. He was just Sorin Tava to her now.

He hadn't changed a bit. The grey beard, the long grey hair, his azure blue eyes and his simple grey robes he always wore were all still there. Even the small cut at the midsection from when Kaalia accidently almost hit him with her lightsaber could still be seen. One thing was different, however. He wasn't smiling. He was calm and peaceful, but he wasn't happy. He always smiled, but now he wasn't. It was slightly unsetting to the redhead, but it didn't change the way she acted.

She took a step forward, the darkness in her aura swirling around her. She felt powerful in the Darkness, confident in her ability to strike him down whenever she wanted. She was freed from the shackles of the Light, while he still was chained down. "How did you find me? Why did you come here?" It was then when Sorin finally broke his silence and spoke, the voice that now sounded nothing but infuriating to Kaalia filling her ears. "I know your signature in the Force like no other, Kaalia. Even when it is twisted and corrupted by the evil that is the Dark side." For a split second the woman reached out in the Force ready to choke him out, infuriated his comment. She held it in however, and stored it. She would release the full extent of her hatred later. "Still, finding you took me a long time. I have come here to tell you why I have done what I have done. I know it is futile to bring you back to the light myself, that is no longer in my hands. But perhaps, with knowledge of your history and with time, you will realize that all I did was help you and that it is not too late to turn back. It never is." He was somber, and that was palpable through his tone of speech. "I will never go back. The Dark side has set me free, revealed my true self to me. Why would I turn back to living a lie!?" Her emotions started taking a hold of her and she started speaking louder, and her mind started drawing parallels with the first time they clashed. It ended with her leaving him behind, and now she would bring it full circle by killing him. It was the only way. "I have failed you, Kaalia. For that I am sorry. Explaining why the Dark side will slowly consume you will fall to deaf ears, that is something you will have to find out yourself. But never think it is too late."

She wanted to laugh at his flawed look at the Dark side, but didn't. It wasn't the place for such a thing. Instead, she got to the point. "I want to know everything about my past. The things you have held from me during all those years you told me lies about the Light." She locked her sulphur and red eyes with the contrasting blue orbs of her former master, feeling sadness in his Force aura. He truly felt regret for letting her forsake the Light. If only he could see the truth. "Your parents are from Kro Var. The planet is one strong in the Dark side, and its domestic practicioners draw upon it to shape it into elemental powers. Your parents both were strong in the Dark side once, but they turned to the Light when they realized what the Darkness was costing them. They were cast out and were forced to live in solitude." Kaalia processed what he said. Kro Var... She had been there before. She and her close friend Ara had joined two Sith, one of them her secret teacher Krest, in a mission to capture a Master Shaper and extract his knowledge. She was surprised by how easily she was able to use his knowledge to learn fire shaping and wind shaping. Perhaps it was her heritage. "You mean this?" With an effortless thought a flame appeared in her hand, showing off her own shaping abilities. "That explains why I was able to learn so much from the knowledge given that was so generously given by a Master Shaper." She expelled the flame before continuing, feeling mixed feelings creep up inside Sorin. "So why did they give me up to you?"

"The tribes on Kro Var, they are a proud people. When they found out your parents had a child, they wanted to take you from them. I could only imagine them wanting to turn you into a fighting machine." Kaalia's expression darkened. "So no matter what, I wasn't going to grow up with my parents." Her former master nodded. "They reached out to me and begged me to take you in and train you. They knew that the influence of the Dark side had settled inside of you already, the everlasting presence of the Dark side on the planet leaves its mark on all children, but they had hope. Their child, their little treasure, could become a bastion of the Light. And so I took you in, to guide you on the path of the Light side as your parents asked of me." He hung his head. "But I failed them. I failed you. The grasp of the Dark side has taken a hold of you, and I did not stop it."

Kaalia listened. His words were filled with the promise of the Light like it always had, but it didn't put her at ease anymore like it used to. "I want to meet them. I am their child. I want to know who they are." She didn't react to his reason to take her in, it would lead to nothing but verbal clashing between Light and Dark. "Despite your embrace of the Darkness, I sense that you have no ill intent towards them. They still reside on Kro Var. Their names are Gareth and Syrin Voldaren. They love you. They would want to see you again, even after your to the Dark side." He was right, she bore no ill intent. They were misguided, but they meant the best for her. Perhaps being shackled down to the Light had in reality saved her from a lifetime of what was effectively slavery. There was only one way to find out. "How and where can I find them?" Kaalia's anger had not subsided, but was now carefully guided and channeled. The moment he had told her everything she wanted, she would kill him. It had to be done, and he knew it just as well as she did. "Go to Kro Var. They will know you are there. They will call out to you. With what you have said before, I am assuming you have been there before. Did you not hear their call through the Force?" Their call. The pull she felt while she was there, it made sense now. "That pull... That was the call of my parents?" Sorin nodded once more. "Go back and find them. Do it for a dying man."

 

[Kaalia Pavanos]

Do it for a dying man. It was an absolutely pathetic statement to Kaalia, and one that she wasn't going to oblige to. "Yes, I've been there before. That however doesn't mean I'm going to fulfil the wish of a pathetic and broken man." There was ire in her voice, disappointed and angry at the defeatism she felt in the one she once called her master. "Sorin Tava, the great Jedi Master, accepting his death on a strange planet by a forsaken student. What happened to you?" Her gaze met Sorin's, her corrupted orbs locking with the blue ones of the man. The woman unclipped Mirari, the lightsaber she constructed with the help of the man so many years ago, but didn't ignite it yet. "The Force told me what was going to happen here. Who am I to go against that vision?"

He sat down in a meditative position, ignoring the wave of emotions that surrounded the redhead. She was hateful and infuriated, but that wasn't all she felt. She didn't want to admit it, but she was grieving. She was conflicted. Grieving for never being face to face with her parents, conflicted about Sorin taking her in. She couldn't place it, and it slowly tore away at her mind. At the other side of the clearing none of those things were found. The man that sat down was calm and at peace. "Today, I am an open book. Ask me anything you want, and I will answer truthfully." Doubts were slowly creeping into the redhead's mind. Was she really going to kill him? Was she even able to? Her mind snapped back to Sorin's words. She had questions, and she would finally be able to get her answers. "Why, then? Why did you let me go when I left? If you knew I would embrace the Dark Side in time, why did you take the chance?" He looked down, a small wave of disappointment washing over the Jedi Master. "I did so because I have no say on how you should live your life. I never did. I was supposed to teach you about the Light, but you kept your emotions to close to yourself. I could not guide you any further." His head moved back up, renewing eye contact with Kaalia. "And yet, I was hopeful you could find solace in the Light once more. I still do." The woman shook her head violently and ignited the saber in her hand, the azure blue blade revealing itself. "The Light lies. It seals away your true self. I will never go back to that." She pointed at her scar with her free hand, her finger trembling. "Do you see this!? That is what the Light has done for me, it brought me nothing but pain and misery!" She took multiple steps forward, her anger rising. "The only reason I survived the day I got this scar was because the Dark Side empowered me. Why would I trust in the Light?"

Sorin shook his head. There was a certain sadness about him, but also acceptance. "It is too late. The Darkness has taken a hold of you that cannot be erased. I should have warned you more, guided you better." Something in Kaalia snapped as he spoke. "Enough! I can't stand you anymore! The Light is evil!" She dashed forward, and slashed her saber towards him. He had to die. Her hateful eyes looked at him as she swung, but he didn't move an inch. He wasn't scared, or did anything to stop her. He was truly accepting his death.

But she stopped.

Right before the blade would hit her former master, something inside her locked up. She couldn't do it. "Why aren't you defending yourself?" She spoke through her teeth as she clenched them together to hold back tears. "Why aren't you karking defending yourself!?" She couldn't keep those tears at bay for long, and they were now streaming down her face. "I am not defending myself because I do not have to. The Dark Side has not fully consumed you yet. You are still Kaalia Voldaren." He had the hints of a smile on his face, only adding to the redhead's whirlwind of emotions. "Kaalia Voldaren does not kill unless she is threatened. She is not heartless, but kind and caring. It brings me solace that you are still yourself." The redhead started shaking again, and let her blade fall to the floor as she came down on her knees. He was right, and she hated it. She hated him. "Why?" Kaalia sounded defeated, broken. Sorin didn't answer, and simply sat in front of her in silence. He had said what he needed to say, and nothing more.

 

[Kaalia Pavanos]

For some time, the only thing that broke the silence were the sounds of a crying Kaalia. A contrast of Force auras overlapped each other as the two were face to face, the woman on her knees and the man sitting in the same way he had for a while now. She worked so hard to fully embrace the Dark Side, went through mental agony to get to this point, and yet there she was. A woman attuned to the Darkness around her but still with the smallest of seeds of the Light within her. It refused to fade. It was too weak to restrict her from drawing from the Dark Side in any way and it didn't chain her down. Did it keep her from being completely consumed by the Dark Side? No. The Light is evil. It will slowly grow and take hold of me again, I must destroy-

"The Light will not return to you fully until you let it. That piece of the Light that is still within you is part of who you truly are. Is that not what you set out to find? Your true self?" His smile had now returned and he looked at the redhead. He accepted her for who she was, even if that meant she was to be shrouded in the Darkness forever. "I came here for two things, Kaalia. I came here to tell you where you came from, but also who you truly are." The woman did not attempt to dry her tears as they fell down on her knees below. The corruption in her eyes slowly faded, once again revealing the natural green color. "T-this... Is who I am. I refuse to lose myself to the Darkness, but I will force it to empower me. my emotions are mine, but they don't control me. I won't let them." Sorin nodded softly. He still deeply cared for Kaalia, no matter what she thought of him. His expression turned neutral as he spoke again. "No master or teacher can keep someone from their true selves forever. I was foolish for believing I could change you. I am saddened by your Darkness, but it is how it is supposed to be. I wish it could have been different, but alas."

The redhead only had one thing left to ask. "Do it for a dying man. That is what you said. You knew I couldn't kill you, so why did you say that?" He started smiling again, his peaceful nature shining through as always. "The purpose I have been given by the Force has been fulfilled. I do not have many days left. I do not worry however, as there is no death. There is the Force. As long as it is with me, I have nothing to fear. Perhaps you see that differently, but that is your view." He slowly stood back up, and reached out his hand to Kaalia. "I know you have always chased happiness. Please, promise me this." She accepted the hand and Sorin pulled her back onto her feet. Her tears had stopped flowing and the remaining stream on her face slowly dried. "Let nothing ever stand in the way of your happiness. Do not let power and greed get the better of you, and most importantly, love yourself. No matter what." The redhead opened her mouth for a moment, but words alone wouldn't say enough. As much as she hated to admit it, she had once again found respect for her former master. She tried to fight it but couldn't keep herself from embracing him in a hug, one more tear rolling down her cheek. "I promise."

 

[Kaalia Pavanos]

When Kaalia let go and got back on her feet, she clipped her saber back to her belt. "I don't think I can do it yet. Go back there." She looked down to the ground for a moment. "At this point in time I won't be able to handle meeting my parents. I need time." While that was true, it wasn't the only reason she was hesitant to go back to Kro Var. She wasn't sure if she would be able to keep her cool if she encountered the tribe that cast her parents out, and was scared she would lose control. They indirectly were the cause of all the negative things she experienced growing up, and there definitely was a hint of resentment within her. The redhead would have to sort out her mind before even considering going back. She would eventually, but for now it would have to wait. "Give everything its proper place. There is no rush, Kaalia. Go there when you feel it is time." She nodded thoughtfully.

"And what about you? You said you don't have much time left, what are you going to do with it?" He smiled broadly. His answer was one he didn't have to think about. "I am going to find peace in the sunrise and sunset, take in the beauty of the galaxy that is all around me." He motioned around him, letting the greenery around them be the example. "And then, when it is time, I will be truly one with the Force. Even then you can turn to me for guidance if you so wish. Listen to the voice of the Force and let it guide you to me. But for now," he turned around, and started walking deeper into the jungle. "I wish you well, Kaalia Voldaren. Despite everything that has happened, I am proud of you." Before the man moved out of normal talking range, Kaalia spoke one last time. "Thank you." He waved while still walking on, sending a warm feeling to the redhead through the Force. And so, Sorin Tava had nothing left to teach her.