Private The Love We Give

[Efret Farr]

Efret sat at the edge of one of the constructed pools in the meditation gardens, her legs pulled up towards her chest and her wrists resting over her knees. No one had come into this particular grove to join her yet in the few hours that she had been out here.

She knew she ought not notice—that if she was meditating, it wouldn't occur to her if she had physical company or not. But today she she didn't pay the voice in her head telling her so any mind, for today didn't want to be alone. Ironically, she had found herself too preoccupied to meditate. Her problem had onset at breakfast time, perhaps inhaled through her nostrils as her drank her streaming cup of caf or ingested with jackfruit dosa like an extra dollop of honey, except this particular condiment wasn't sweet. Now, with the sun many degrees lower in the sky past true noon, Efret felt mired in an emotional quicksand that she couldn't escape no matter what previously-effective mindfulness techniques she employed.

She could have gotten up to seek out a friend. Maybe Valery Noble was about today, or Corazona von Ascania or Ran Serys or Jonyna Si .

Instead, she chose to remain seated.

She hadn't seen the Dark Jedi she called Angry Braid for a little more than a week. The Fondorian Luddite apotropaic ritual that had been performed over her in Deep Well was either working incredibly well or was an incredible placebo. As an anthropologist, Efret was more open-minded to the former than some of her fellow Jedi might be. Possibly, it was even working too well. The lifting of the incredible weight of the Dark curse he had set upon her had been so sudden, so absolute, that she was cracking under the lack of pressure.

In rocks, such a process was known as exfoliation.

If these emotions were dead skin, she needed to shed them alone. If the anger and fear and hopelessness she had been trapped in for so long was finally abating, maybe she'd be left wholly soft again underneath.

Ala Quin​

 

[Ala Quin]

Click.

The holoprojector shut off, and Ala leaned back in her chair. She rubbed her face, and groaned just a little. She hadn't studied like this in, well, more than 900 years. She would be more than happy to keep it that way for the next 900 years too.

The datachit popped out of the console, and Ala reached for it. As she spun it about in her fingers, she mulled over the thoughts of the ancient Jedi. They were wrong. Those lost to the dark side were not completely and entirely lost. There was always a way back, even for those that society might deem irredeemable. Gandar So-Navi, Jedi Master of the Old Republic, disagreed with her though.

"Even old people can be wrong," she muttered, before jumping up to her feet with her trademark pep.

Perhaps she were better to spend some time meditating on this matter, the Force had a way of opening up like a flower bud given the right...nudge. The decision had been made, and the datachit returned to the vast library of recordings. Ala left the vault-like archives with a wave of her fingers in the direction of the dear old activist who had helped her earlier.

---

Meditation time had been constructive. Mostly in centering herself and calming her slightly frayed edges. For a Jedi Master, Ala felt wildly inept at being mastery. Finding her role in all this living was still a struggle. Despite her longing for companionship, she was convinced that the meaning she sought was beyond just having a easily available plus one to galactic social events.

As she set out to depart from the meditation gardens, Ala could not help but feel stirred by one that was apparently failing on their attempt to meditate. At least, that is what seemed to emanate from her.

"Need some company? Or assistance in meditation?" Ala said, head craned around a gangly shrub. She stepped around the foliage, and offered a wave.

"Ala Quin," she said with her fingers waving, leaving the largely undeserved rank title off her introduction.

Efret Farr

 

[Efret Farr]

In the absence of fear and of anxiety waiting for that fear, Efret could feel anger for Angry Braid and all he had subjected her to since their first meeting on Jedha.

Her first master had taught her to reject negative feelings whenever they gripped her heart before they bubbled to the surface and made themselves known in her actions. But even before she was assigned to a new master and learned differently from him, a sense of wrongness kindled itself in her. This inner wisdom whispered of another way: one of true emotional maturity. Regulation of one's feelings called for the radical acceptance of each emotion, even and especially the one thought traditionally to be less than acceptable so that they could be processed and moved through.

A better experience was always waiting on the other side. In time, despair led to rekindled hope. Fear led to freedom. Anger led to empathy.

Efret knew, then, that this too was a waiting game. She just had to weather the rage and associated hate.

As she continued to sit with these feelings, she didn't respond to Ala's greeting, but instead watched the soft ripples of water formed by leaves falling from trees above.

Ala Quin​

 

[Ala Quin]

That was very strange. And possibly. Very rude.

Ala did not know if this woman simply found her to be, unpleasant, or if she was just zoned out. To be honest, Ala was surprised that more people did not find her unpleasant and overbearingly chipper. Perhaps this was the first of those ilk that she was going to meet.

How many more of them were there?

Ala haters?

Oh my.

"No," Ala whispered. She refused. Flat out...refused to let anyone dislike her.

She stepped up by the water, looking in its reflection.

"Watchya looking' at there?" She said, with a tone of mischief in her voice.

Efret Farr

 

[Efret Farr]

Once the image of another person had grown on the water's surface to be the size of someone beside her, Efret diverted her own gaze away from the leaves and looked up at her new companion. She waved with a full hand to Ala. When she did, a continuous beam of soft green light shot from a small electronic clip at her tunic's neckline. Light enveloped the back of her palm. A split moment later, the hushed garden ambiance was broken by a monotonous voice stating, "Hello."

She had managed to read Ala's lips in the pond's reflection before she had turned away.

"Nothing in particular. The leaves by coincidence. I'm a little dissociated right now."

Ala Quin​

 

[Ala Quin]

Ala's head tilted like a curious puppy, only cuter. Her eyes lit up moments later as she thought she understood. She was of a species that could not speak without technological aide. Fascinating!

"They certainly are...leaves," Ala said, flicking a glance at the water again. Her face moving quickly and hair obscuring her mouth for the end of her comment.

Her face turned back the other way, hair obscuring her the start of her next sentence. "Disassociated? Have you been excommunicated from...a clan...or the Jedi Order?" Ala looked concerned for the woman. If she was homeless, Ala would certainly offer to take her in.

Her face was soft with compassion, but did not impose herself further.

Efret Farr

 

[Efret Farr]

One would think that signing would be a good indication of one's deafness, but evidently not in this case. Not a problem. Efret was used to advocating for her communication needs, as well as explaining why she had them.

"I'm Deaf, my dear," she said after trying to follow Ala's train of thought and questioning with a softly furrowed brow. "I need a clear view of your face as you speak to understand what you're saying."

Ala Quin​

 

[Ala Quin]

She was about to say something else when the mystery woman spoke up. Ala's eyes grew wide. And her mouth dropped open with a heavy blush on her cheeks. "Oh...I...am...a dummy," she said, instantly realising she was over annunciating.

The little Jedi Master dropped to her knees beside the woman. She waved with her fingers, and scrunched her nose as she smiled. "I am Ala. What is your name?"

Her eyes flicked about the woman trying to pick up every clue and every detail she could. What a fascinating occurrence to have a deaf Jedi. There was so much that Ala wanted to know, and far less that she felt comfortable asking.

Efret Farr

 

[Efret Farr]

Efret smiled warmly, grateful that Ala caught and corrected her own overenunciation. "I'm Master Farr. Please repeat yourself, Ala. What did you want to know?"

Ala Quin​

 

[Ala Quin]

"Master Farr!" Ala exclaimed as if recognising a name she had only just heard the first time, "I guess I should have said that I am Master Quin, but really...Ala is who I am. Master still sounds a little awkward on this...this...me. You know?"

She smiled apologetically. She was doing it again. Firing her mouth of in a moment of excitement. Her smile became a laugh.

"Well...if you know anything about historically used and effective methods for redeeming those lost to the dark side...I am all ears, but really I was just commenting on the leaves."

Efret Farr

 

[Efret Farr]

Efret nodded. "I understand. Formality can be excessively rigid to some. Call me Efret if you like."

She listened to Ala. "Oh, I see." Efret's lips pursed towards one side of her mouth like bunched up fabric, then she chewed lightly on the inside of her cheek. "Redemption..." After a moment of silence, the tension melted from her face and she sighed through her nose. "I doubt you want to hear my thoughts, Ala. Few Jedi agree with me on this point."

Ala Quin​

 

[Ala Quin]

The demure Jedi Master nearly bounced on her haunches. She seemed intent on the conversation. "Ah...let me be the judge of that alright?" She said with a finger wagging.

She scooted a little closer, ignoring the slight scratches on her shins as she did. "Alright Efret...tell me...you super controversial take on redemption..."

Efret Farr

 

[Efret Farr]

She didn't require any further encouragement to share her thoughts.

"Redemption, as an action that one does to affect another, implies superiority." She looked out over the pool and wrung her hands before signing again. With any luck at all, Ala wouldn't take offense to what Efret had to say. She was, after all, not trying to judge or admonish a woman she had just met. "A power imbalance like that..." She glanced back to Ala. "It's traditional, but I don't think it's helpful. For anyone." She gave a small, sad smile. "For that reason, redemption is rarely successful. When it is, it has less to do with the efforts of the involved Jedi and more to do with the will of the Dark sider.

"As it should be," the councilmember continued. "In my opinion, it's not the will of the Force for us to pass judgement on each other, or to try to influence personal autonomy for our egos. But we also have the power to reach out to Dark siders to try to understand them and, if they allow us, challenge them to live less destructive lives.

"It's not really redemption then. It's connection as equals, change driven by mutual choice and benefit.

"We cannot want to save without some degree of a savior complex. I think the only ethical action is to share our ways and hope they take. More Jedi need to acknowledge cultures and ways of knowing outside of our own and tolerate—dare I say, value and love—them, as the are, unconditionally. Opportunities for conversion can and should be given, but no one should be compelled to take them."

Ala Quin​

 

[Ala Quin]

"A saviour complex?" Ala said, hearing these words for the first time in her life. She sat back on her haunches. She bit her lip and looked away as she contemplated the words of her fellow Jedi Master.

"It is not the Sith culture that is the problem though...it is their actions...but their culture informs their actions...so changing the culture changes the actions...but that is a widespread attempt at redeeming a whole order...I think that is impossible. There will always be Sith because there is always greed," she said, musing out loud and just letting her mind go where it wanted to go, "to want to save an individual...or one individual from a path of actions that is destructive to them and others is surely not something that needs a diagnosis...like saviour complex...it is a desire to make the galaxy better by helping others be better...it does not mean you are perfect or don't need work yourself...hummility is paramount in being able to work with people surely..."

She paused on that word love.

"What if. A Jedi did truly love a Sith. Could see who they were beyond that? But. The actions of that Sith were still...not good...surely that Jedi would need to expect those actions to change in order for the love to manifest sustainably?"

Efret Farr

aka - asking for a friend.