The Past is the Past (Siobhan)

[Phylis Alince]

“Oh…fiddlesticks!” Phylis Alince said. The Jedi Master’s rather half-hearted oath was occasioned by the fact that the wind had blown over her tent again. It was cold, raining, and windy, not at all like a good site should be.
Finally giving up, the soaked Jedi returned to her transport and laid out some blankets on the floor. The ship was plenty big enough, but she liked camping out. However, the terrible climate of Kaeshana’s south-east made such things impossible.

Since she was not exactly the most popular person on the planet, she’d been surprised when she’d heard that she’d been allowed to investigate a site in the far south east of the planet’s single major land mass.
Apparently a government representative was on their way to keep an eye on her. Apparently shattering a race’s hopes and dreams was not something lightly forgiven!

Phylis stripped off her damp robe and pulled on another from presumably a whole wardrobe full of brown outfits, and set the other one to dry.
She checked her datapad. “Weather report…rain and mild, rain and mild…what’s this, showers and mild, hmmph! Something to look forward to,” she grumbled.

@[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

@[member="Tegaea Alcori"]

A light transport burst out of the clouds and was steered towards the rocky ground, the pilot managing to land safely despite the powerful wind that was sweeping through the air, strong enough to make the few trees shake violently. Whatever animals called this area home, even the Jesters, who were normally so eager to visit tourists in hope of getting food, had long retreated. There was a cold chill in the air and the howl of the wind was like the shout of an angry goddess displeased with humans setting foot upon this promised land. If the pilot was the superstitious sort she would have taken conditions as a bad omen.

Siobhan Kerrigan believed in very few things. Especially these days. Her faith was limited to a certain redhead to whom she owed so much.

With the ship having landed upon the ground a bit away from Phylis' transport the engines were powered down and the landing ramp was lowered and Siobhan hastened out, a volley of raindrops greeting her as they poured down upon her from the sky, though she was protected by a hood and a long coat. The Jedi Master should be able to see her from the window of her transport as Siobhan hastened to it over the mud soaked ground and knocked at the entrance, a look of annoyance at the thoroughly crappy weather written across her features. "Hell of a time to go camping, Phylis!"

 

[Phylis Alince]

@[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

Phylis, who had just been getting ready for bed, was interrupted by the loud sound of a ship approaching and the bright lights.
Grumbling, she got up and headed to the cockpit. It seemed her watcher was here. However, as said watcher descended from the transport she let out a grunt. She knew that Force signature, and the woman it fitted.

At first she was tempted to leave her outside in the rain but Neutral Good was an annoyingly exacting alignment sometimes. Besides, she didn’t want to have the roof brought down on her own ship.
Waving at the console, the hatch slid open, and in walked Siobhan Kerrigan, destroyer of cities and breaker of roofs.

“Oh, it’s you,” Phylis said without much enthusiasm. “I was expecting an Eldorai. You know, it’s their planet and all!”

Still, courteous to a fault, she offered Siobhan a seat. “Drink?”

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

@[member="Tegaea Alcori"]

"I know. Friends with the Crown Princess. Put their Queen on the throne and I'm a reason it'll stay that way," Siobhan replied without any hint of irony, tone serious. Normally this would have been the moment for Siobhan to make crude and thinly veiled sexual innuendo, probably making no attempt to hide her interest in the beautiful body of Phylis that was sadly hidden under very covering brown robes.

Not that Siobhan was not noticing her, but her stance, her aura seemed different. There was the same power and arrogance, the aura still very much screamed barely tamed predator or a contained wildfire. But she seemed more subdued and sombre, with less of the casual devil may care attitude of the past. Likewise her features were marred by new scars, harsh lines etched into her face. "Yes, please. Thanks," she spoke in what was her politest tone in response to Phylis' offer, her eyes scanning the room as she sat down upon.

"It's been a while. You don't know what an uproar there was at the palace when your request came through. So you're here for another artefact hunt to find out earth shattering truths?"

 

[Phylis Alince]

@[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

It seemed that Phylis had been waiting for some form of crude flirt, and when it didn’t come she looked surprised. Still, she fetched Siobhan some tea and sat down opposite her with another cup.
“I imagine my reputation has proceeded me, yes. I’m glad you were able to secure me permission. Hmm, no, nothing earth-shattering. The whole trope about ancient and terrible ruins filled with magical treasures is greatly overblown. I occasionally find one, but that doesn’t mean they are common. Indeed, hmm, they are quite rare. Anyway, this one is not very mysterious at all, as it’s been explored recently.”

She cast a look at Siobhan. “Probably not the sort of thing you’re interested in. No explosions, demons or naked women. Probably a roof to pull down, though I’d appreciate if you didn’t.”

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

@[member="Tegaea Alcori"]

Siobhan noted the jab about her roof dropping but made no comment. There was a bit of a flicker on her face regarding naked women, but then it was gone and she once again wore the serious, no-nonsense expression. She did not seem in a mood to make jokes or innuendo. The details of the story of Tegaea's abduction and torment had been...heavily censored for the media. Siobhan was the one who had to live with being the one whose fault her wife's ordeal had been. It would have been easier to deal with if Tegaea hated her and had cast her out.

"Past precedent makes me doubt it'll all be ordinary and normal. What's interesting about these ruins then? More Eldorai ancient history?" she took a sip from her cup of tea.

 

[Phylis Alince]

@[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

Phylis put her teacup down and put her head on one side. Something was off about Siobhan today. The engine of relentless desire for sex, blood and excitement seemed muted. She seemed, actually, to be a shell of her former self almost. Something had happened.

“Oh, these ruins are an interesting example of classic post-crisis architecture. It was supposedly built by Queen Ariane the Great to commemorate her victory over the Kar’zun. Hmm, I’m not sure about that. I’ll need to investigate further. I suspect they’re built over an earlier site from the very ancient days of Kaeshana’s past.”

Aware she was lecturing, and that Siobhan likely didn’t care or understand, she stopped. “So…what’s wrong? You seem very unhappy. You almost seem…guilty,” she said thoughtfully, reaching into the Force to determine the other woman’s aura.

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

@[member="Tegaea Alcori"]

"I'm fine," Siobhan responded sharply to @[member="Phylis Alince"] an icy coldness to her tone, jaw tightening slightly. She did not want a shoulder to cry on - and even if she did, she would not deserve one anyway. She had spent enough time being needy and weak, always needing someone to hold her hand. That someone generally being Tegaea. Siobhan trusted few people these days - sometimes not even herself. Besides a Jedi would not understand anyway.

Feeling the questing probing she brought up her mental barriers. What might be felt radiating from Siobhan's aura was a cocktail of intense self-loathing, pain and loss. "Let's focus on the task. Heard about the Kar'zun. Robo-machine hybrid things. When do you wanna go visit the ruins?" she spoke, obviously trying to deflect.

 

[Phylis Alince]

@[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

Phylis recoiled slightly from the anger and coldness in the other woman. Something had definitely happened to affect her so badly. The Jedi Master wished for a moment that she kept up with the news of other people. Usually it was all so drab and depressing or worse, boring and silly. Who cared if such-and-such was dating what’s-her-name, what mattered to Phylis was things which had been buried under a rock for a few hundred years!

But even Phylis was not wholly blind to things, and her rather good (if eclectic) memory came back to an event recently. The abduction and rescue of Tegaea Alcori, her resignation from the Protectorate. Siobhan’s wife. The Jedi Council knew more about it than the public, and the details had not been nice.

Now it made sense. “I’m sorry, Siobhan. Forgive me. How…is she?” she asked awkwardly.

Perhaps going back out in the rain might be a smart idea to defuse the uncomfortable social situation. Phylis personally understood why books were better than people; books didn’t have confusing issues to tiptoe around.

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

@[member="Tegaea Alcori"]

Siobhan was quiet and looked away for a moment. Her upper lip trembled slightly. "She's...recovering, back on her feet. Getting better. Set up her own company - it's given her something to move on with after going through hell. It's based on Kaeshana. She's a strong woman." Between the two of them Tegaea had always been the stronger one. "We're still....together. I've tried to be there for her," at that her voice cracked.

"So let's hear it...I'm a disgusting, selfish slut with no self-control and it's my fault she suffered. I don't deserve her and just cause pain and am probably half fallen anyway. For her own good she should leave me. I already know all of that myself!" as she spoke these words, each of dripping with self-castigation and loathing, reflected in how disturbed and volatile her aura seemed, enough to make one recoil, her tone became shriller and angrier before she managed to calm down somewhat and slumped into her chair, her hands clenched so tight into fists that her nails were digging into her skin, though she did not care. To say that Siobhan had some issues would probably be a big understatement.

 

[Phylis Alince]

@[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

Phylis just looked at Siobhan in astonishment. The change was both profound and worrying. Though Phylis had never subscribed to the ‘love makes you weak’ theory, she had avoided it because it got in the way of her work. Now she was facing a woman who was both extremely strong in the Force and renowned for her exploits in war. And yet, she was clearly broken by the experiences.
The Jedi Master didn’t know the full details of what had happened, but she knew that Tegaea had been kidnapped, tortured, then rescued by Siobhan. No mention of who, how or why had come out.

Uncertain, as if she might provoke a volcanic eruption, the Jedi Master called on the Force to gently calm the other woman and laid a reassuring hand on her shoulder.
“I would never say any of that, Siobhan,” she said softly. “Would you like to talk about it?” she offered. Phylis didn’t really want to play councillor, but it was her duty to help, and Siobhan was clearly in pain. It might help if someone just listened.

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

@[member="Tegaea Alcori"]

Siobhan sunk into her chair, her tirade momentarily over as she felt the soothing touch of Phylis' Force upon her, though initially she recoiled when she felt a hand on her shoulder, for she did not deserve such comfort. The fact that she was sitting here pitying herself just made her feel even angrier. After all, it was Tegaea who had suffered and yet she was acting like a victim.

She was renowned for her martial prowess. In her grasp the Force became a battering ram, she had never actually lost a fight. She could not be considered a good person by any stretch of the imagination, the strong lack of empathy, her volatile nature might hint at some clearly psychopathic traits. Yet, though selfish at heart, she did care about Tegaea.

Now she was...broken....and did not really know how to fix herself. "Well, you should. Kaelin managed to torture her almost to death cause I'm a selfish frak-up who couldn't keep it in her pants," she spoke, though now that she felt the calm wash over her these words were spoken less shrill. "I never wanted to hurt her. She's the only thing I've done right. The one to always believe in me." Then slowly she began recounting the gruesome tale. She expected condemnation - a strong part of her probably really wanted it, though another might be reaching out for comfort, as selfish as that seemed - but it seemed she wanted to let loose at last, after bottling it up for so long.

 

[Phylis Alince]

Phylis continued to absently pat @[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"] on the shoulder, as if unsure what to actually do.
However, as the story begun she closed her eyes, nodding her head occasionally. It was a grim tale, and Siobhan was clearly in agony over it.

Phylis removed her hand and stood. Her demeanour changed somewhat. “This is a harrowing tale, Siobhan. You clearly feel guilty, and so you should,” Phylis said with an unusual sternness. “Your actions caused this, but you have been punished enough,” she added in a more normal tone. “Having Tegaea almost taken from you and the pain of watching her suffer is all the punishment you need. What has happened has happened. Kaelin is dead, and you both are still alive and mostly whole. Therefore, you must let it go. Continuing to dwell on it will only delay your recovery, and Tegaea’s. She will see your guilt still, and that reminds her of what happened. You saved her and that’s the end of it…it’s that simple.”

The Jedi Master sat beside Siobhan again and looked at her intently.

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

@[member="Tegaea Alcori"]

Siobhan was generally not the crying type but seemed close to tears. However, she managed to compose herself. She sighed. "I know....I just don't know how. Sometimes it's like I can't. I've been trying to be there for her. Much as I can, I'm not much use in business, but I try. Not to show I'm a mess, sometimes I feel like I can't look her in the eyes. I love her, I'd die for her if I had to. She's special," she said frankly.

Perhaps one of Siobhan's most enduring qualities was her masochistic penchant for self-blame. One could say that in a way she was her own worst enemy, seeing the worst in herself and in others. Another reason why so far she had progressed little beyond being a battering ram. That said Siobhan had not slept with anyone else since rescuing Tegaea from her torment. One of the few promises she was actually keeping.

 

[Phylis Alince]

@[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

“Hmm, yes, I can see that. For so long you’ve defined yourself by your warrior skill, and your worth to her by being the strong champion, her right arm I guess. Now you failed in that, and that’s no longer your job anyway, you have no purpose. Hmmph, or so you feel.”

The Jedi Master nodded understandingly. “Well, what are your plans now? If you don’t like business, what will you do? If Tegaea wants to be a big-shot businesswoman and you don’t…that’s a pretty big disconnect, you know. Have you told her about your concerns?”

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

@[member="Tegaea Alcori"]

It seemed that every incarnation of Phylis ended up being Siobhan's psychologist. Hopefully they would find some shiny ancient ruins to make up for that! Alas, people were often complicated. "We had a talk like that once before. Back early when she was Exarch. I was so proud of her - still am. She made the Protectorate strong, she was the one you could on to do the right thing," Siobhan spoke with fervently, with clear fervour in her eyes. The fact that apparently the Protectorate was busy forgetting Tegaea had existed disgusted her.

Of course, such was history. Far as she was concerned they could go down. "Still felt like part of me was gonna lose her...but she was there. She married me even," for a moment there was a fond smile on her face. As musyhy as it sounded, it had been the happiest day in her life. "Now...she's just recovered and got a lot on her plate getting Firemane running. Can't go up to her and tell her I'm feeling wethennish and inadequate, can I? Been selfish enough," she stated, pausing. Phylis' words resonated with her, but she felt lost. "I want her to be happy and be at her side, I want to help and I'm proud of her. Just don't know what to do."

 

[Phylis Alince]

@[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

“Wethennish?” Phylis asked curiously. From an outside perspective it was a rather odd term. Either way.
Phylis perhaps was tempted to tell Siobhan to pull her socks up and be a big girl, but perhaps it wouldn’t go down well.

In essence though Phylis was pretty straightforward when it came to these ‘emotional issues’.
“Now, I’m not that experienced with being married and such. Don’t come to a Jedi for relationship advice. But, since you have anyway, I’ll just tell you what I think; you need to be honest to her. If you feel like you’re being useless now, you need to tell her, you need to say that you still feel bad for what happened, and you need to move on from it. Sort it all out, Siobhan, then pave over the area and move on with your life!” she said encouragingly.

Now, this Phylis had never been married, and treated ‘relationship’ like a dirty word, so her opinions on the matter might be taken with a grain of salt. Or perhaps a cruet set sized blob of it. Phylis just didn’t understand why people couldn’t just move on with things and stop being wrapped up trivially.

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

@[member="Tegaea Alcori"]

"You're not doing that badly - for a book worm," Siobhan said with a slight smile. "But maybe you're right. Thanks. I should talk with her when I get back. Ok. We've had enough of a chick-flick moment. Back to ancient ruins that don't contain any hidden traps, unspeakable horrors or hidden treasures marked on a lost map with an X." Apparently she had managed to get some of her snark back at last, or was at least attempting to before she lost even more of her badassery rep. Things could only get worse if people suddenly started thinking that she did not dislike the blue dress that much because that would be positively mortifying.

 

[Phylis Alince]

"Hmmph, I think your sense of drama might be disappointed," Phylis said sternly. "Lost treasure and treasure maps are only found in stories!" she said with commendable amounts of dramatic irony.
"Still, I think we should wait for the worst of this rainstorm to pass before we go and start work. Did you really want to help out?"

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

@[member="Tegaea Alcori"]

"I guess the ancient force machine with the red, green and blue button on Ossus and the annoying ghost brat were just fiction then. I must have an active imagination," Siobhan said very dryly in a deadpan tone. Same with the goblins and the balrog Adril had fought.

"As for helping, well, I did get sent here as an observer and you did put up with me spilling my guts, so seems fair. What do we do until then?" So far Siobhan had managed to have an entire conversation without hitting on her. Admittedly a substantial part of said conversation had consisted of her moping about her issues, but still.