Sabosen'tir'inrokini
How did I let everything go so far? ... ... ...
I remember...
Desire. Ambition. I used these familiar driving forces to replace... no, to bury the feelings that arose from a betrayal carried out by the one person I trusted more than anyone. I never truly understood my happiness before that betrayal, never analyzed it to find the source of the joy that brought me such contentment. Its presence hardly even registered. "It" just was, and I existed alongside "it" in peace. Even now I can barely give "it" a name, so little is my understanding.
And then the happiness was no longer.
And I retreated. Back into the depths of my mind, I went searching for something to drive my life forward. Because forward was the only way I knew how to proceed. Forward is logical. Forward is safe. Looking back is nothing more than a weakness.
Or so I thought.
And then I let it go so far... My desires. My ambitions. How foolish of me...
I started out where I should have stayed: in the blissful ignorance and anonymity that most chunks of matter enjoy. With hardly a name or title or registry. I was no one. I should have stayed no one.
But that would not have fulfilled my desires, my ambitions. I wanted more. So I reached out and took what I could take.
And what could I take? Knowledge. At the beginning, the data was all rather trivial. But information is one of those things, there's always some trifle, some little kernel that is so important, others will do anything to protect. The more of those stones you uncover, the more power you consolidate.
Dangerous? Of course. All ambitious paths are in one way or another, especially at the sacrifice of others. But I was smart, or so I thought. I maintained my anonymity. The only people who took notice of my skills were those people for whom I worked. They were impressed. They provided better facilities for my work, more sensitive targets and better access to those targets, employees to carry out what I couldn't do on my own. An office. An audience. A seat on the most powerful council in the sector. So many faces. So many eyes.
I let everything get out of hand so quickly...
The anonymity I once used as a shield fell to my desire and my ambition. Finding me became less of a challenge. My face, my name, my title, my registry, these weren't just public access, they were advertised. With the power I gained, I lost the blank slate of energy and matter that most appealed to me and became something I never wanted for myself, even feared. I was torn.
What did I let myself become?
And then the side effects came. A betrayal long since forgotten once more became a focus. My brother and sister, found me, easy to do with so notable of a persona. My flesh and blood filled in the missing pieces to a plot against me, their plot; a plot that exiled me from my people, and forced me down the path of desire and ambition. They told me everything: how they manipulated my husband into framing me, how they manipulated the courts into exiling me, how they had my husband executed to silence him, how they had profited.
I nearly lost myself. I had never known of my husband's demise, estranged though he may have been. The duplicity of my siblings was not surprising, but that they would go so far to keep me an outcast to serve their own needs was brutal. All of this had been years behind me. The realization came that I had never truly moved past any of those feelings. I had simply buried them, with my desires and my ambitions.
But I was smarter this time. I knew that my family would not just show up and impart this information. They wanted me out of sorts, to shake me, weaken me. Why else offer these details from a dead past? Their purpose was irrelevant. I recognized that I was a target and I removed myself from the situation.
This time I did not run. I would not. To make the same mistake twice was unforgivable. Instead, I took my leave. Things were left in order in my stead and I planned and plotted my own way forward. A better way. One not guided by greed but by logic. Being a target only gave me the excuse to take action.
I left the First Order. On file, my status is unknown, somewhere between Missing In Action and Absent WithOut Leave. I'm wanted. Information is precious, after all. My face is known, my name is known.
And yet... I've once more found my anonymity. I've become just another floating chunk of energy of matter, living my life by my design. At least for now. My only desire now, is not to repeat the mistakes of my past.
I remember...
Desire. Ambition. I used these familiar driving forces to replace... no, to bury the feelings that arose from a betrayal carried out by the one person I trusted more than anyone. I never truly understood my happiness before that betrayal, never analyzed it to find the source of the joy that brought me such contentment. Its presence hardly even registered. "It" just was, and I existed alongside "it" in peace. Even now I can barely give "it" a name, so little is my understanding.
And then the happiness was no longer.
And I retreated. Back into the depths of my mind, I went searching for something to drive my life forward. Because forward was the only way I knew how to proceed. Forward is logical. Forward is safe. Looking back is nothing more than a weakness.
Or so I thought.
And then I let it go so far... My desires. My ambitions. How foolish of me...
I started out where I should have stayed: in the blissful ignorance and anonymity that most chunks of matter enjoy. With hardly a name or title or registry. I was no one. I should have stayed no one.
But that would not have fulfilled my desires, my ambitions. I wanted more. So I reached out and took what I could take.
And what could I take? Knowledge. At the beginning, the data was all rather trivial. But information is one of those things, there's always some trifle, some little kernel that is so important, others will do anything to protect. The more of those stones you uncover, the more power you consolidate.
Dangerous? Of course. All ambitious paths are in one way or another, especially at the sacrifice of others. But I was smart, or so I thought. I maintained my anonymity. The only people who took notice of my skills were those people for whom I worked. They were impressed. They provided better facilities for my work, more sensitive targets and better access to those targets, employees to carry out what I couldn't do on my own. An office. An audience. A seat on the most powerful council in the sector. So many faces. So many eyes.
I let everything get out of hand so quickly...
The anonymity I once used as a shield fell to my desire and my ambition. Finding me became less of a challenge. My face, my name, my title, my registry, these weren't just public access, they were advertised. With the power I gained, I lost the blank slate of energy and matter that most appealed to me and became something I never wanted for myself, even feared. I was torn.
What did I let myself become?
And then the side effects came. A betrayal long since forgotten once more became a focus. My brother and sister, found me, easy to do with so notable of a persona. My flesh and blood filled in the missing pieces to a plot against me, their plot; a plot that exiled me from my people, and forced me down the path of desire and ambition. They told me everything: how they manipulated my husband into framing me, how they manipulated the courts into exiling me, how they had my husband executed to silence him, how they had profited.
I nearly lost myself. I had never known of my husband's demise, estranged though he may have been. The duplicity of my siblings was not surprising, but that they would go so far to keep me an outcast to serve their own needs was brutal. All of this had been years behind me. The realization came that I had never truly moved past any of those feelings. I had simply buried them, with my desires and my ambitions.
But I was smarter this time. I knew that my family would not just show up and impart this information. They wanted me out of sorts, to shake me, weaken me. Why else offer these details from a dead past? Their purpose was irrelevant. I recognized that I was a target and I removed myself from the situation.
This time I did not run. I would not. To make the same mistake twice was unforgivable. Instead, I took my leave. Things were left in order in my stead and I planned and plotted my own way forward. A better way. One not guided by greed but by logic. Being a target only gave me the excuse to take action.
I left the First Order. On file, my status is unknown, somewhere between Missing In Action and Absent WithOut Leave. I'm wanted. Information is precious, after all. My face is known, my name is known.
And yet... I've once more found my anonymity. I've become just another floating chunk of energy of matter, living my life by my design. At least for now. My only desire now, is not to repeat the mistakes of my past.