Think On Your Sins

[Connor Harrison]

Connor Harrison's Quarters
Silver Jedi Temple, Voss ​

Standing by the spherical frosted window looking out to the rear of the temple, Connor Harrison was thinking rather than taking in the view. Aika Kawakami was a fascinating creature; a creature he couldn’t read, but one who he would continue face until he knew just what was going on inside her head.

Truly fascinating.

Turning away and arching his back in a slight stretch, he now wore a black vest, covering the repaired torso. His other wounds were still on show for him to see and remember just what ego and self-sacrifice had brought to him.

Reaching up and scratching the nape of his neck, he walked forward slowly and sat on the small sofa before an empty table. There was plenty to do, but it would be done in good time over the next day or so for him truly to get back into the swing of things. Faces to see, clothing to find, exercise to take. His eyes scanned the room, losing himself in the warm orange and electric blue mood lighting.

Right now he fancied nothing more than a cold Blue Milk from the small refrigeration unit opposite him and to just sit, relax and reflect. Leaning forward, he pulled the ivory door open gently and smiled, reaching in for one of 6 sealed bottles.


[member="Nima Tann"]

 

[Nima Tann]

Being a routine day of training and peace, she wasn't disturbed from the silence, not today. Instead she felt happy that the voices were gone at last, the happiest after all those weeks. Having all those thoughts, sadness and regrets, it was a good thing that she had found the forgiveness that she seeked. Remembering the last time they spoke, yesterday was a big step of their relationship. There were no broken bones, well Nima wasn't the cause of it, and there were no sadness, just... normal, if she could say it, she wasn't sure that normal was the right word for yesterday.

But... there were a lot to speak about, a lot to discuss and fully erase the haunting past in their memories. Maybe yesterday was a good chance to do that, but, those things couldn't be spoken in front of the audience. They weren't alone, so sorries and regrets were just told from their brains, not their hearts. Maybe after the trainings, she would go and visit him again, and this time hope that there weren't any guests to prevent them speak freely. Lots of weeks had passed from the last time, they both changed into something good, she could feel his aura has never been that calm and in peace before.

She opened her eyes and slowly stood up from the bed, looking at the clock, she was shocked. Closing her eyes for only a 15 minutes rest, time flied very fast and it was almost an hour. Slowly standing up from the bed, she heard the voice of the old wood that was holding the bed. Maybe it was the time to change those things, looking at the carvings, the furniture looked like ancient. Well, if only she had the credits... Being a step-daughter of a Jedi, they never had that much money, nor they cared about it. But being all alone here, the furnitures started to get uncomfortable. Of course, she wasn't going to touch to her father's room. He never wanted her to enter to that room anyway, which made Nima a little curious.

Well, enough for the relaxation, she had lots to do today. Firstly, she decided to visit the wounded man at his quarters, she knew that he had been released from the medbay after couple of hours of medical attention. Maybe it wasn't enough, but she already guessed it. One can't make him just lie and relax for a long time. Making her way to the Temple, she saw some padawans walking around, but not that much crowded like before, which was a good sign. Finally arriving to the door of his room, she knocked it, then entered, seeing him as his back turned, probably didn't see her entering. "Already back in action, huh?" She put a smile on her face, leaning against the door and folding her crimson arms. "You look better."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Ironically as he wrapped his hand around the cold bottle and pulled it away, his head tingled with the presence of one who had caused emotions both cold and warm, but not always welcome. It was Padawan Nima Tann. He stayed where he was, listening as she spoke with a sense of calm about her.

For a moment, his stomach lurched, as now it was time to face the one he’d beaten and abused and manipulated. Well, not HE, the Taung spirit that twisted his mind and spirit. However much he could smile and move forward, this would be the obstacle that could make him stumble just inches from the finish line.

Shaking the bottle back and forth, he stood and twisted the cool cap to open it.

”Not quite in action yet, Nima Tann, not quite.”

He blinked a second longer to compose himself and turned with a small, charming smile.

”I’m trying, and soon, hopefully, I will be.”

Holding the bottle in his hands, he rolled the cap around his fingers as he stood and kept his smile, suddenly faltering. Breaking ice after a big fall was harder than expected.

”You look well. How are you?”

Already angry at himself, he knew he’d asked his just hours before.

[member="Nima Tann"]

 

[Nima Tann]

"It is still pretty impressive, I wouldn't get up for a long time after I lived something like that..." She smiled back in a response of his smile, even they could smile each other after all happened. "And I am still alive, if it answers your question. Actually..." She stopped for a second to think what she could say, yes, she was different than before, she was trying to choose the words carefully now, considering their past and all. Even though he might wait an angry response from her, if he still thought she was the same as before, but she wasn't going to do that. "I never felt that happy and peaceful before." It might sound not that true at all, considering the way that she told him, but it was the truth.

"Master E'ron treats me well, my schedule is full of trainings... Yeah... I am happy. How about you?" Talking to him like they've met days ago, it was a little awkward and it hurt her a little, but erasing the past was like that of course. She was still leaning against the door, still not in the room but not out of the room either. After a little of silence, which was a normal thing but still awkward, she was the one to break that. "We weren't that alone yesterday, so I thought that you wouldn't be comfortable to talk things in front of the masters. That's why I am here today, let's just talk about what we need to say each other, and be done with the past." Seeing that he was removing the cap of a bottle, which contained Blue Milk, looking tasty as ever, she wouldn't say no to one actually. "Well, Connor Harrison." He wanted to talk with surnames, fine. She could play that game too. "Won't you invite me in? I think we will have lots to talk about."

They would have so many things to talk about of course, close the distance between them. How many weeks they had been away from each other, how many weeks they had RUN from each other? The last time wasn't the pleasant one, but it led both of them to another journeys, to self discovery and fight their own demons. The Force had different ways to teach people things, as her master would say right now. She waited his response as she continued examining the room, it was a little different from the last time she visited, maybe the lighting was different.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

He nodded, shaking the bottle gently, listening to her words. Already she sounded a little wiser, more grounded with what she expected of herself and the Order. No longer did she seem like a child, she seemed like a young woman taking the right steps forward.

”Oh, yes, please – “ he waved her in with his free hand, ” – come in, take a seat.”

Side stepping to the edge of his bed, he guided Nima along his new quarters and indicated to the seating area to the far of the room.

”I know. Smaller than before, but I opted for somewhere a little more out of the way. Something about my old quarters felt…tainted. This suits me perfectly. I don’t stay her often, but when I do, I could stay here for hours.”

Watching her move with elegance, Connor smiled gently and thumbed the door shut with a silent hiss. Or should he have left it open?

”I am aware of your training with Master E’ron, very impressive. How do you feel taking this path? You look really well.”

Soon he would have to address the issue why they were here, but right now he just wanted a little sense of normality after everything, and after Aika. The cold bottle swirled in his hand still.

[member="Nima Tann"]

 

[Nima Tann]

"Thank you." She slowly stood up from leaning against the door, making her way to the one of the comfortable looking chairs, a beige one, the orange and blue lights were dancing on it like it was a palette. She let out a small sigh, sat opposite of him, and letting out the exhaustion. "Well it sure is comfortable, but you need to work on decoration a little, maybe I can help arranging the furnitures later." She slowly laughed, yeah, aside from the decoration of the room, which was making the room look smaller than it looks, it was a small but a liveable room. "But looking at my father's house, it looks pretty comfortable."

"And I am pretty well, the trainings going perfect. I even got my first official mission, can you believe that?" The fire of excitement could be seen from her eyes, when she heard it first her heart was going to explode, she finally found a chance to help people, like for real this time, without anyone to help, well, Master E'ron told her to find someone but she liked going solo. "I feel more in touch with the Light Side, but I am sure that you've realized that already."

"Things have changed a lot while you weren't around, you've missed so much. But I am pretty curious about your journey as well, how well did your journey go, Connor? Did you really find what you expected?" Well, that was the question she wanted to ask from the first time she visited him at the medbay. "You seem better than the last time we spoke." One wouldn't call it speaking, but she wasn't here to open the pages of the past. His aura was now bright with the energy of the light side.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor just sat back, trying to relax, but not looking too comfortable. To be honest, things were getting on top of him at the wrong time again. After a tense meeting with [member="Aika Kawakami"] that hadn't exactly gone...as planned - whatever the plan was - it hadn't been long before Nima had turned up.

Not that he wasn't appreciative of the face, of course not, but it seemed too many ghosts from the past had come forward at once, and the physical wounds from his recent journey hadn't healed enough, never mind the emotional ones, and here he was trying to fix everything.

The condensation rolled over Connor's fingers holding the Blue Milk bottle, slowly losing the drive to drink anything at all. The wet glass just swung in his grip as he nodded, smiled, pondered and thought as Nima spoke. She really was trying to be something good, someone better; that was admirable.

"Well, you sound like you've made good progress. I'm pleased. And thank you for the kind words. It's not much, but I sort of like it how it is now, do you understand? Is that strange?"

He pursed his lips and looked around for a second.

"It's simple, and has everything I need to relax and reflect and be comfortable. Nothing more, nothing less. Keeps me grounded."

His hand went to the back of his head again, rubbing the neck as he turned to focus on Nima; crimson skin peeking out from the Silver Jedi attire she wore, eyes blue with wonder and a little fear. Her Force aura was alive, full of questions and thoughts.

Opening his mouth for a second, he hesitated, thinking about how much to say in response to her question.

"It went...well. Thank you. I discovered an amulet on Rhen Var, I think it was one belonging to an old Jedi exile, tainted by the Dark Side of the Force millennia ago. Tracing my steps to the Citadel when I first had my encounter with it, I believe that it harnesses the Force power from those around it, and the first time I came across it, my body and mind wasn't strong enough to prepare for that, hence my blackout."

Licking his lips, he shifted in his seat, enjoying the story-telling to a youngster so eager in his adventure.

"It took a good day or so, but I returned to the area I fell and managed to control the conflict of the Force to take the amulet and bring it back. It's with Master E'ron at present, and where it goes from there I don't care as long as it's safe."

With a slight incline of his head, he frowned a little at the next part.

"THEN...I sort of went off radar. Thurion knew where I was on Rhen Var, but I left after for Ord Mantell to do what you do when you're on the edge - face a Sith Lord. Actually, two. One intercepted excavating a mine for crystal with mercenaries and one I arranged to meet - Matsu Xiangu. She's a snake - a monster. Something so broken and unhinged, part human, part creation. I couldn't tell where her mind was, but I felt her inside mine."

A shiver ran up his body.

"Let's just say, by facing her, I managed to stand on the edge of darkness and refrain from stepping over. But it hurt. The wounds will heal in time but the physical and emotional scars will be here forever I expect. But that's what you get for dancing with death. So don't do it!"

Connor broke a little smile and shrugged. He placed the milk on the table and shook off the condensation.

"So. That's what I've been doing."

He was on a roll, and placing his hands spread out on the table, looking at the intricate pattern around the edge, he breathed.

"And I'm sorry. For everything, I swear on my oath as a Jedi. For hurting you, for lying to you, touching you - betraying you, just...everything, ok?"

Connor kept going to not let her interrupt.

"We don't need to go on and on, we both know what happened and this will not be easy to forget but in time, we will be ok. I ask for your forgiveness, and you have my admiration for continuing on the path of the light and not giving up, as I nearly did. Ok that's it."

He sat back and tapped his boot gently, another of his little ticks. It was out there, finally.

[member="Nima Tann"]

 

[Nima Tann]

She watched him as he played with the bottle in his hands, assuming he was thinking what to say, probably because of their past he wanted to choose his words carefully now. But, it wasn't what Nima wanted, she wanted him to feel comfortable around, know that she wasn't that cruel and besides, none of this was his fault. "Yes, you are really strange, you know." Her tone was sarcastic, a little giggle escaping her mouth. She was trying to show him everything's okay, and he didn't need to try to choose his words. "I am just kidding. Everyone needs change after living so many things, so that's perfectly fine. I am thinking about changing my furnitures too, they're like... ancient or something."

Listening his journey, she felt bad and happy for him at the same time... She was grateful because he had returned from this dangerous journey alive and accomplished, but... it was her fault he had to go all the way there and live all this. She heard the name before, Matsu Xiangu, she was in the most dangerous list, and living after confronting her was impressive indeed. Grinning to him about his comment of not dancing with the death, she continued to listen him as he continued speaking. She didn't want to interrupt his speech because it looked like he wouldn't be able to finish his words if he was interrupted. She just listened... with a smile on her face. She felt happy after a long time. Feeling the heat of happiness on her crimson cheeks, she opened her mouth to speak to him about what she thought now.

"Connor, I... You don't need to apologise okay? Like I said before, none of this... None of this was your fault. You weren't the one that tortured me, hurt me... or loved me even..." She stopped for a second, it was the truth maybe but telling it was a little difficult, but they were already a few steps ahead from the beginning. "It was all a game for that Taung, it did what it had to to survive, and it used you to make you do things you didn't want to. I understand and I am not keeping you responsible for any of this. That's why I am here today."

The turn was hers now, she had to just empty her heart from all this problems. "For a long time, I held you responsible. I made you responsible for the actions I did. From somewhere there, I knew I did all this... But I just didn't want to listen this feeling, blaming you was easier... But now... I know what I did, I know what I've caused to you. I am the reason that I've pushed you to this journey alone. So the one needs to apologise is me. I am sorry, for blaming you for everything I've caused. Now, a new Nima is standing before you, and I will try to restore what I've done. " Sighing sadly, she continued her words, a conclusion to what she said. "I just want to forget... want to move on." Taking a big breath, she felt relaxed that now every card was played, and there was nothing in their hands.

"So, how about we drink for a better future?" She said, her voice was a little shaky but hopeful and wise, showing the bottle he was playing with since she came here.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Now it was Connor’s turn to listen, but the arrogance in him already could pick up that Nima was blaming herself, and it wasn’t her part to do so. But, rather than butt in, he listened and heard the sincerity in her words.

Her little wobble here and there showed how young she still was and how intense the recent experience had been, and behind the smile, as Connor knew, she was still fragile and naïve. So, it would be his mission to help repair the crumbling foundations.

”Nima, really, this wasn’t your fault at all. If you hadn’t pushed me in some way, someone else would have and they would have suffered. The Taung infected me, twisted me, used me and since then it brought all my conflicted feelings and passions to the surface bubbling out of control. That had to be extinguished, and answered, which I feel I have.”

He placed the bottle on the table and shrugged, shaking the water from his hand.

”There is nothing left for anyone to use for their own twisted ways.”

The thought of Matsu Xiangu in his mind shook him again – she had left her mark and he would never forget it.

”Now help yourself to a drink, please. Right behind you.”

A small nod to the refrigerator behind the sofa.

”The past can be forgotten, and we shall work to be better. We both have a future here, and we would be stupid to lose it. You have so much potential, and I can feel that you’re close to achieving it. Keep it up.”


[member="Nima Tann"]

 

[Nima Tann]

"The feeling will go away after some time, just need a drink now. All this emotional talk made me thirsty. Never waste a good Blue Milk, they say." She stood up from the sofe and moved towards the refrigerator a few steps behind. Opening it, the cold air escaped from it made her a little shaky.

Taking a bottle of Blue Milk from the first shelf, she closed the door and moved back to her sofa, while moving she talked, as a response to one of his sentences. "You know what, I am going to quote Master E'ron here. Force has some twisted ways to teach people, it was our turn to be taught, she could say something like this in this situation. So there is still something using us for its twisted ways." She laughed softly, trying to change the air from all emotional. She already felt all of the emotions and it was the time to change.

"No more losses from now on, it's about time we start to win... Win our future, win the hearts that we broke... We have lots of things to do. But until that time..." She stopped talking, and moved towards the Knight, who looked as peaceful as the room itself... But there was something wrong, something that was troubling him, she could feel it.

She took the cap remover from the table near to Connor, using it to remove the cap which was stuck from the freezing air. Plop... The satisfying sound of the cap removing from the bottle, and now the Blue Milk was ready to be drunk. She slowly raised the bottle, and said with a cheerful tone. "To the future, and what it brings to us."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor held his chin in the cup of his hand as he watched Nima turn and move to help herself. He was lost in thought, and occasionally found himself just staring ahead. However he was listening to her, and he smiled gently at her words, from Master E’ron. She certainly was taking this all seriously.

”To the future. It can belong to us.”

He inclined his head gently to Nima with her raised bottle, and fingered his own, but had lost the intent to have any. Not Nima’s fault; not at all – this was simply a process of bringing up the haunting past which he now needed to deal with and release.

”You’re on the path to great things Nima, I believe it. Keep this positive outlook and focus and you will be fine, just fine.”

Lousy company he may have been, but still, this meeting had to happen sooner or later.

”I’ll be ok soon.”

Was he answering an unasked question from himself, or Nima. Probably both.


[member="Nima Tann"]

 

[Nima Tann]

She smiled at first, but immediately something started to bother her about his behaviour. Yes, he changed a lot since the last time they spoke, and yes, he had just left the medbay for lots of physical and emotional trauma, but... he just seemed, distracted... Like there was something bothering him, she could feel that, but she wasn't that sure, maybe it was normal, he had faced a powerful Sith Lord after all, she wasn't expecting him to be all okay. Looking at his eyes, she could feel it was more of a grey than blue.

"Is there... something you want to tell me, Connor?"

She asked the question that she knew he wasn't going to tell her the truth. It was his nature, always trying to stay powerful, stay strong, and tell everything's okay, never letting anyone to help himself. But yeah... She had hoped that this time would be different, maybe now he needed someone to listen to him and just say... Everything's okay.

Now leaving the bottle to the table, she gave her full attention to him, waiting for a response.

"Since the medbay... you seem like you have something in your mind."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Was there something he wanted to say? Too much. So much about his feelings. His position with the Silver Jedi. The issue of trust, self-belief, doubt – want, power, leadership. Such a mess, however, this wasn’t anything for a Padawan to help with, let alone one who was part of reason why he was facing this in the first place.

Regardless of the fact he had nearly trashed the quarters moments before Nima had arrived out of frustration because of that witch Aika, he was sitting on a plasma-bomb of emotion and it was going to blow.

”I’m fine, honest.”

He knew he was lying, and he knew she would know – but she would need to understand that was all he could offer at present.

”I’ve just had so much thrown at me upon my arrival, more than I thought, I just need to find myself again. I need to find myself within the Order and where I belong.”

Connor looked up at Nima, seeing the compassion in her blue eyes and that flickering spark of hope for her to do something right.

”Your main priority is you, remember that. No-one else.” A beat passed between them, an air of strange tension. ”You better go, you will be missed.”

It was a harsh dismissal of the subject, but Connor felt emotionally drained, and had no patience for anyone now in light of being annoyed at himself. The isolated quarters were greatly appreciated even more so now – dark light and soothing colour would help him shut the outside world away.

Self-pity…doubt…broken


[member="Nima Tann"]

 

[Nima Tann]

"Okay..." She said with a fake smile, a disappointed tone that she knew he wasn't going to tell the truth. She could feel he was suffering from something, even his aura was mixed with peace and doubt at the same time. But... he wasn't going to tell her, no matter how she pushed him, so it was pointless. He wanted her to go, to leave him alone with his own problems again. She collected herself and looked towards the door with sad eyes and sighed.

"I... should go. Master E'ron was expecting me for the training." No she wasn't. Today was a free day for her, but he didn't want her here so there wasn't anything that Nima could help, not until he wanted her help. The last time she tried to help him without his cooperation, didn't go as she wanted, so she wasn't going to fall to the same mistake again.

As she continued moving towards the door, she was happy because at least they could talk without hurting each other. It was a good change of scenery. She reached to the keypad, and looked back to the man now looking much more disturbed, and a little sad even.

"I can't probably help to whatever your problem is, but they say I am a good listener. Whenever you want."

Pushing to the button, she heard the clicking sound of the door unlocking and slowly opening.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor stood as she moved to the door, and reached out with his hand to rest on the edge of the table watching her. She was moving slow, and she was waiting for him to stop her.

”Good luck with your training, Nima.”

A little lie was fine, Connor picked up on that the second she opened her mouth. But he hadn’t exactly been the most welcoming host – but he hadn’t exactly been the most welcoming friend either.

He took her full bottle and his unopened on and moved to the small sink on the back wall, underneath the spherical window looking out over the grounds. He tipped the Blue Milk away as he looked outwards, listening to the glug of the drink disappearing down the drain as Nima spoke once more.

Connor let the bottles clunk together as he dropped them both in the sink. He certainly wasn’t in the mood for housekeeping right now. Aika prayed on his mind, and his future with the Silver Jedi. He’d only been back a few hours, but already he felt he’d be better away from them all.

He heard the door slide open.

Isolated…lost…weak


[member="Nima Tann"]

 

[Nima Tann]

"Thank you, Connor. Rest well."

Giving a little smile, she moved outside the room, and the door closed after her.

Sighing sadly, she moved back to her home. But... she wasn't feeling sad, because no matter what she accomplished her mission here. He just needed more time, considering that she wasn't the only visitor of him, he had the right to be alone.

But it was good to talk to him again, one could say she... missed him. With all the thoughts flying in her head, she continued moving. Maybe it was the right time for another meditation.

END​

[member="Connor Harrison"]