This Is Not Goodbye [Connor Harrison]

[Thurion Heavenshield]

​

"Do not walk behind me; I may not lead. Do not walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus​

It was early autumn on Voss. Leaves had begun to mature into vivid reds, yellows and browns, and the wildlife was looking to either migrate south or settle in for the winter. Still the small drop in temperature did not disuade the Grandmaster his moment of utter serenity, meditating at the edge of the temple forest. He would often come here to embrace the Living Force, as he was taught by Master Asha so long ago; every woodland critter nesting in trees and shrubs, every blade of grass at his feet, every gust of wind was part of it, whether they knew it or not. Even as a boy, he'd found it a beautiful and astonishing philosophy.

Another had been asked to meet him here, in this place of unbridled nature. One he had walked beside much of his adult life. One he had laughed with, cried with, and fought with innumerable times. One he considered his closest friend. But one who was also deeply troubled, his faith shaken until shattered.

Thurion's eyes remained closed even as he sensed Connor draw near, little by little and step by step. The fallen leaves rustled underneath the man's feet. "Why do you hesitate," he asked in serene voice, head titled slightly to the side as he made his query. "I have never known you to be a cautious man, old friend." His eyes slowly opened to look upon the scowl that had become commonplace where [member="Connor Harrison"] was concerned. Even so, Thurion greeted him with a kind smile.

 

[Connor Harrison]

Part of him didn't want to do this. Why? Because Connor Harrison knew once it was done, there would be no going back. It would mean everything he had come to value was gone, and those he saw as family would now be nothing but barriers in his future.

He also didn't want to do it because he didn't know how to do it. How to voice a harsh truth, and how to deal with disappointment that had stemmed from a once trusting friendship. It had to be done, because if he didn't, then there was no future for him.

Walking slowly across the forest edge, he looked up at the oranges and browns and pale yellows one last time. Seeing such a place alive with nature was a wonderful thing, and there would be no other place like this he could walk freely across. His hands rubbed the bark of trees he passed, and each boot lingered over the crunch of leaves leading towards the man who have saved him over 10 years ago.

There was hesitation in his walk, and Thurion made it quite clear when he greeted him. Polar opposites right now; a face set in stone across a face alive with a smile. A man who had nothing and a man who had everything.

"Remember when we first met on Rhen Var. It was years ago. We were kids pretty much." He didn't look at the Grandmaster."It was so...cold! Remember what I said to you, under the monument we sat at? When you go looking for something, you come across more questions than answers and feel like giving up, and I didn't know which path I walked? It's taken a long time....a long time."

He inhaled the crisp air to fill his lungs, and then looked directly at Thurion.

"I am leaving the Order for good. No exile, no breaks. I will no longer walk in the Light with you. I have found the answers I sought when you found me, when you managed to distract me enough so I wouldn't see them for myself."

How he wanted to tear his head away and walk off, but the adrenaline was pumping through his body. It was out there, and now he would see this conversation through to the end, however painful it may be.

[member="Thurion Heavenshield"]

 

[Thurion Heavenshield]

Thurion let out a soft chuckle at Connor's mention of Rhen Var. Two young men, neither knowing what to make of themselves. How far both had come since. When he then gave word to his intention of leaving the Jedi and Voss behind, the Grandmaster casually rose to his feet, brushing a couple leaves off his robes. A gust of wind swept across the scene, causing the tall grass to sway at its bidding.

"Connor," he said, reaching out to place a hand upon his friend's shoulder. "You've always led a harsh life for as long as I've known you. Every failure becomes like a crushing weight upon your shoulders, until finally you cannot even draw breath. You're too hard on yourself - you always have been." Thurion closed his eyes and breathed deeply. "I can sense the turmoil in you." Eyes opened again. "You've never truly been at peace, but now it seems you are at war with yourself. A war you've convinced yourself you cannot win."

He gave Connor a gentle pat on his shoulder before turning his gaze to the canopy hanging over their heads. "I know you to be a free spirit, Con. Like a leaf dancing on the winds." Another deep breath before facing him once more. "I would never stand against you, my old friend, nor do you require my permission to leave if that is your wish."

Thurion held out his hand for a handshake, his smile slowly dying away into a slight frown. "May the Force be with you, [member="Connor Harrison"]..."

 

[Connor Harrison]

At one time, Connor would have smiled and agreed, making some wise remark about the future, or destiny, or family. But now, as he listened to the Grandmaster, Connor found it rather belittling. And then came the mighty Valkyri handshake between comrades that would allow them to make peace and so both could forget about it until the next time Connor Harrison came back like a lost bantha looking for the herd.

He looked down at the hand and didn’t take it.

"I’m not at war with myself, and if you think that then it proves how little you really know me." He walked past the hand of peace and took in more of the trees around the pair. "But thank you for comparing me to a leaf, I appreciate that."

From the outset, it would look like these two Masters were having a simple chat among the autumn woods, but up close it was far much more than that.

"You have to start opening your eyes, Thurion. I say that as a friend, because you’re losing sight of what this Order even is, and what people are doing to it. Do you know how many have found salvation from the Light?"

He turned, a sly look on his face.

"I can name three people. Three people who you smothered with kindness and brushed off all their problems with that mighty Heavenshield philosophy. And look where that led them. Away from here. Away from you." He pointed. "And now all you can do is compare me to a leaf when you have no idea what has really been going on behind your back, have you."

Connor took a step towards the mighty Heavenshield and looked at that face that had it all.

"If you don’t act now, then more Jedi will fall. And those you love will fall. And it will be all your fault. And then you’ll have nothing. Nothing."

[member="Thurion Heavenshield"]

 

[Thurion Heavenshield]

Thurion's face turned grim as Connor walked past his offer of peace, a look previously worn by his father and older brother. His brows furrowed while watching Connor, listening to his words. They were full of nothing but resentment, which was terrifying considering how close the two had been in the past. When Thurion did speak, it was intense yet remained pleading. He still had hope for Connor, even if the man himself did not.

"Connor, those people left because of a million reasons; lack of conviction, lapse in judgement - seduced by the dark side! Even so, I will not keep them here, locked away should they find they are no longer capable of carrying on their Jedi duties. I accept people for who they are and what they aspire to be, and neither you nor the words coming out of your mouth will change that."

Then came his once-brother's remark on his loved ones. A moment of Valkyri instict had the Grandmaster take a few quick steps towards the Harbinger, pushing him back and pinning him against the nearby tree. Eyes stared intently into Connor's before softening somewhat. It was still his old friend looking back at him. His hands grabbed him by both shoulders, unyielding should he attempt to break free.

"Did you always hate us, Connor? Me and Coci? You despise us because we were able to find happiness in a world where so much tragedy occurs every moment of every day?"

[member="Connor Harrison"]​

 

[Connor Harrison]

Thurion’s words were that of a man unable to control those who looked up to him. He’d pat them on the head, straighten their lapel and send them off comforted with a smile and a warm embrace until they marched off to their deaths while he sat on his throne and took secluded breaks with his wife.

He narrowed an eye at the way he was put down, but his body turned to stone when Thurion came at him. The first time in a long while that Connor had seen the humanity in Thurion – the anger and the frustration. The beast. It was always there.

Connor didn’t fight being pinned against the thick tree, even with the dull ache in his back from the powerful push. He let a cruel smile form on his lips, looking at him with curious blue eyes. Thrion’s face was battle worn, and there was a violent nature to the Valkyri that many never saw without the guise of the “Grandmaster” to cover it in battle. Here, it was coming out freely.

”Thurion, my brother, I don’t hate you." He stuck his head forward. ”I despise you."

He grabbed Thurion’s collar and pushed back, shaking him with his strong grip.

”And all because you’ve let my Order dissolve into nothingness while you and dear Coci stare like teenagers into each other’s eyes, blind to said tragedy. And you know what? It’s embarrassing to be associated with you anymore."

He pushed harder back from the tree and grappled with his former friend.

”You didn’t even notice that Charzon Loulan never made it to the Prism, did you?" Connor spoke with crisp, calm words. ”She didn’t. I snapped her neck on Korriban and left her body for the Sith. Under your leadership, I literally got away with murder. So well done, Thurion. Well done on leading me to the darkness. Something Coci could benefit from. She’d be so powerful away from this façade, don’t you think?"

[member="Thurion Heavenshield"]

 

[Thurion Heavenshield]

His eyes widened at the mention of Charzon. "No..." he all but whispered in disbelief. All at once did he realise just how far Connor had fallen. He could feel the man he once knew slip ever farther from him, until the one standing before him no longer resembled his old friend.

"I trust my people, Connor! I trusted you like a brother!" He shook his shoulders with each emphasis of his words. "The Order has not fallen. I will not let it fall, and neither will anyone else walking these grounds."

Another mention of Coci had his temper flare up again, and he was this close to outright throw a punch at Connor.

"Coci knows not to step too closely to the edge, but you... You've gone too far, old friend." Able to leash his anger for the time being, he hand moved up to cup Connor's cheeks, staring him down. "But it is not too late. Let go of your hatred and come back with me. Please, let me help you, Connor."

He would not give up on him. He couldn't.

[member="Connor Harrison"]​

 

[Connor Harrison]

The smile remained, the heaving chest full of bottled frustration and rage from months – years – of hiding his feelings from the man – the bother; the friend – who led him and taken the reign of the Order he should have.

”Oh please, stop this, it’s pathetic. When are you going to wake up to what you’ve done? Nima Tann. Remember our Nima? You failed her. Sochi Ru. You failed her. Aria Vale. You failed her. And then we move to the others you failed when you brought the Mandalorian’s knocking on our door as well as the Sith and were cut down fighting a battle you failed to steer us out of."

With a sharp hit, he batted Thurion’s hand off his cheek and stayed close in his personal space, pushing out with his venom.

”I can name more if you want. Your deluded view of what the Light is has ruined more people than you’ll know. I consider myself a lucky one, and I will not come back with you to mask your own failure with a hearty handshake and the false smile that hides your tears when you wallow in her arms at night."

Connor stepped back and scratched his chin. Coci had been his until Thurion stole her. They had been close, but since he came along, she had become more and more unfamiliar.

”One day, I will stand over Coci’s cold corpse and ask you then if everything is worth fighting for. Or even your children. For if they cross me when I leave this place, I will not hesitate to wipe them out. When you have nothing, then you see how truly powerful you really are." He jabbed a finger towards Thurion, a snarl on his face. ”This is your fault. You failed me."

[member="Thurion Heavenshield"]

 

[Thurion Heavenshield]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52wByO_SFxA​

At that moment it didn't matter who was standing before him, spouting those foul words about the people once closest to the man. Thurion let out a Valkyri roar as he lashed out towards Connor, right hand forming an iron fist to strike him down, aimed to connect with his jaw. Standing over his once-friend, Thurion breathed heavily as if he'd spent every ounce of his energy into that one punch. But more than that, it took considerable effort keeping him from doing more damage to the smug facade Connor had taken to wearing.

"You've abandoned everything we've fought for! The Order did not fail you - you've failed the Order!" He shouted at him with unbridled fury, letting it all out. His finger pointed at him accusatorily. "You may no longer believe in our ways, but I do! With all my being! You've been part of this as long as I have, and yet you've done nothing to change how things work! You have no right to be ungrateful!"

Grabbing him by the collar of his crimson cape, he pulled him in close, face to face. For the briefest moment Thurion's face softened, still recognising his old friend. The moment did not last long, however. "You want to leave - fine! I banish you from Silver-protected space, [member="Connor Harrison"]! I strip you of your Jedi rank and cast you out!" He shoves him away, letting go of him as well as his anger. Both his expression and words softened. He felt exhausted.

"You were my brother, Connor. I loved you."

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor saw it coming, but didn't count on it being so hard. The balled fist of his Grandmaster struck him like a hammer in the jaw, knocking him down to his knee, hand out to safe a total collapse. He groaned in pain and touched the skin, not broken, but aching like nothing had ached before. He fingered his teeth, letting Thurion vent.

With rough hands, he was pulled up and then, once more, face to face with the man who had been blind to it all. He pushed his tongue onto the inner cheek, more concerened with that than the fruitless words of the proud Heavenshield.

And he was pushed away; stripped and banished from the only place he'd called home and the territory he'd
helped grow.

”Oooh," he laughed, rubbing his cheek, ”there it is. Grandmaster Heavenshield finally showing some fighting spirit rather than letting the brave little Padawans and Knights do it all. Well done, Heavensheild!"

He took some steps towards the Grandmaster but kept a distance, fingering his mouth a little.

”Good hit, I'll give you that. And I believed in everything I wanted the Silver Jedi to become. You were designated leader, somehow, and so you're the one who failed me. You failed us all. You failed Iella."

Connor stood for a moment, looking at the man who saved him all those years ago. It would be so easy to collapse in a heap, let Thurion pick him back up and mould the broken figure of a Jedi back into something great again. Cracks could be fixed, but in time they became weak again and it was only a matter of time before they broke once more.

He walked right up to Thurion, seeing the upset on his face, and reached out, put his hand behind his neck and pulled his brow to rest on his own for seconds. Connor closed his eyes and confirmed the end of his time as a Silver Jedi.

”Don't look for me, and tell Coci not to. If you do I will return and burn this place to the ground and drag you out to beg for forgiveness for what you've done to me."

It was like vomit in his throat - threatening his brother. It was sickening, but it felt natural. How he wanted to say sorry and ask for forgiveness, but the words were stuck. Words were for the weak. He was not weak, and he had a whole new life out there to take.

As quick as a flash he let go of his grip and turned from his former friend, ally and Grandmaster, and thought about anything he could to stem the tears whilst walking away.

Before the sun set over Voss, Connor Harrison would be gone from the Silver Jedi.

[member="Thurion Heavenshield"]

 

[Thurion Heavenshield]

When Connor stepped towards him his first instinct was to defend against retaliation, but a blow never came. Instead his head was tilted forward until it connected with Connor's, as had been their most intimate form of greeting... as well as farewell. What Connor had said and done in the span of but a minute had hurt him deeply, and still knowing he was leaving for good hurt him more. Yet hope remained, for in this brief moment of intimacy between friends Thurion knew that the old Connor was still there, buried beneath the hate and disillusion he'd allowed to surface and take hold so utterly.

His eyes welled up as he watched Connor turn and walk away, knowing they might never see each other ever again. If they did, would they be enemies and forced to fight each other?

Thurion slumped to his knees as Connor's silhouette faded in the distance. "May the Force be with you wherever you may go, old friend," he all but whispered much too late for him to hear. He then leaned back against the tree in the place where serenity had once come so easily to him. Now he feared the sensation might be lost to him forever.

[member="Connor Harrison"]​