Private This Will End

[Alicio Organa]

Amani's Corellian 1500
Over Balmorra
​

Despite the babbling little boy bouncing on his lap, Alicio's face seemed nearly like stone.

August was determined to change this. The little boy kicked his legs, waggled his arms, and made silly faces at his father. Every once in a while, the older Organa would tickle the half-Mirialan's belly or chin with slight fingers, eliciting a giggle from him, but Alicio's eyes always returned to staring out the viewport, eyes like dull iron, especially as the planet came into view.

The Count would have been fine if he had never returned to Balmorra. He'd spent most of his life in it's capital city, but it had never felt like home. Not like Alderaan, not like Amani. There was nothing left for him here, or so he'd told her.

Alicio had thought so too, until he received a message from Bin Prime Academy North, his old boarding school. They'd found out one of their alumni had become an Alliance Senator, and invited him to give a speech to their graduating class of students, and revisit what had been his life for much of his childhood. After talking it through, the Organas decided to make a trip of it. They'd seen Amani's childhood home, after all. It was only fair they saw what was left of his.

Though it seemed like Alicio was in his own little world, at the moment.

- Amani Serys -

 

[Amani Serys]

Amani and Liana were moseying around the ship, the girl held against her mother's shoulder, whereupon she gazed out at the vessel's many bits and baubles; All vying for little Lia's attention, despite Amani's hopes that she would drift off for a nap. Their ambling route eventually brought them back to the cockpit, where the boys remained seated, albeit one more restless than the other. Amani brushed her hand across Alicio's shoulder to announce their return, before sliding into the seat oppposite him.

"What are you thinking?" She asked softly. Brooding was the Count's nature, but Amani knew by now how to decipher his deeper reasons. Here it was obvious— Balmorra was where Alicio had been raised, but it wasn't quite home. Yet here they were, returning to the site of his youth at the invitation of his old school. It brought with it plenty of excuses to brood. Still, after having done so much to explore Amani's past, this seemed like an inevitable journey. His wife looked out at the planet looming int he viewport, then returned her thoughtful gaze to him, waiting to let Alicio formulate his feelings.

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

"...About my past."

Alicio let his eyes travel up to Amani's, surfacing from whatever deep pit he'd submerged himself in. Pressing a few buttons to secure their descent to the planet, Alicio captured August close to himself once more, the boy squealing happily with the hug. A smile touched Alicio's lips, before it got swallowed again.

"I haven't had to think about Balmorra in a long time." After a moment of thought, he reevaluated. "No, I've been... pushing away my memories. Trying to move forward. But coming back here makes me realize... I haven't. Not completely." Maybe he needed this more than he thought.

The ship broke the atmosphere quickly, headed for the east part of Bin Prime. "I was thinking... we visit where my family and I used to live first, before going to the Academy. We have a little time before they're expecting us." His words were slow, deliberate. "I don't know how much we'll find. Maybe a familiar skyline." His childhood home had been bombed by the Sith, after all. The buildings he knew were likely long gone.

- Amani Serys -

 

[Amani Serys]

Amani listened, and even Liana was naturally drawn to the sound of her father's voice. The girl burbled her infantile musings aloud, which she was rewarded for with a pat on the back, "Sometimes closure means confronting our pasts all over again." Amani affirmed. Often times it did, in fact.

Alicio seemed to understand that as well. Doubly so as he suggested visiting his old family home prior to the Academy. Amani was quick to support him, "Of course. We'll have time." She reached over, and rested her free hand over one of his, "And we'll find something." Balmorra had suffered the wrath of the Sith, but for his sake she held on to the belief that something would still be standing.

The ship began its descent, breaking through thick clouds and over the industrial cityscape that was Bin Prime.

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

"Sometimes closure means confronting our pasts all over again."

Alicio offered a weak smile. "That's true. Both of you." His smile strengthened at Liana, before returning to his neutral expression. "I'm... still nervous. About revisiting it all. I don't know why, everything has already happened." Even reminding himself of that fact didn't banish the feeling.

Alicio caught August's hand before it could grasp his nose, letting the baby's tiny fingers curl around his thumb. With his other hand, he held Amani's, drawing support from both connections. "Alright," he said quietly, though he didn't have as much hope as her. Not about the house.

The ship was finally guided into a docking bay, letting the Organa's disembark. Alicio stood, and prepared the stroller for the little royals, packing the undercarriage full with any and all baby-supplies they might need. He'd chosen a more subtle wardrobe for this visit, in remembrance of his family- a simple shirt and pants, though he couldn't stop himself from shouldering on a black jacket. Depositing August in the stroller, and leaving space for Liana, Alicio began to levitate their stuffed thranta with a lazy outstretched finger, causing it to clumsily swoop and twirl over their heads. He used the distraction to voice one last shred of weakness.

"What if there's nothing? If I... can't get closure?"

- Amani Serys -

 

[Amani Serys]

"Maybe it's the uncertainty. Not knowing what will or won't be there. Not knowing how you'll react…" Amani trailed off, then found a soft, self-deprecating smile as she shook her head, "Sorry. I don't mean to try and diagnose." Alicio didn't need a psychoanalysis right now. Just the support of his family.

They landed in the city soon after. Both children were stowed away in their stroller, and enraptured by the floating thranta over their heads. The Count turned to Amani once more, affirming some of his fears. His wife looked at him pensively, then reached out and moved a stray hair back behind his ear. She didn't want to lie to him, as much as her hope tried to will their findings into reality, "…Then you'll find closure elsewhere. And you'll still always have a family who supports you and loves you more than anything," Her hand transitioned to his cheek, "And you still be the strongest person I've ever known." Perhaps it wouldn't perfectly fill the hole left behind. But perhaps it could make up for that loss in other ways. Whatever may come, she still clung to the hope that their travel would shed light.

Amani took the reins of the stroller, and descended the landing ramp. She turned back to Alicio, and nodded towards the city, "Lead the way?"

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

"Sorry. I don't mean to try and diagnose."

Alicio's thoughtful, distant expression focused with amusement. "I'm not being charged for this, right Doc?" He truly appreciated Amani's insights, especially when obvious answers were obscured by his own head. But that wouldn't save her from a little teasing.

After the children were secured, and sufficiently distracted by their floating toy, Alicio let his face fall in line with Amani's as she played with his hair, and eventually held his cheek. The Count reached up his own hand, laying it over hers. "Thank you, Amani. I... I couldn't do this without you." He didn't feel particularly strong. Amani seemed to face her past with barely any hesitation. And here he was, hesitating.

Bin Prime was much like any large city in the Alliance.

The east side of the city was obviously a less-developed area. Instead of inspiring skyscrapers and verdant natural parks that other sections of the city could boast, there were tightly-packed apartment structures, factories, and congested streets. Alicio kept his head on a swivel, looking for anything he could point out to his family. He mostly stayed quiet.

"There... used to be a theater there," Alicio said, nodding his head to an empty, cracked lot. He spoke with a detached inflection, as if he were simply reciting information. "The Ocuman. We would go watch a production whenever we could. It was just a few blocks away from our home, so we didn't have to pay for a taxi. It was the highlight of my month."

And now it's gone, he thought.

They walked a few more minutes before Alicio suddenly stopped. A slow, surrendering sigh escaped his lips, as he turned to look across the street. There was only a small apartment complex, made of red brick.

"That used to be our house." He tightened his jaw. "It... it was small. Only a few rooms. But it felt so large. It had a long hallway where Tori, Claire and I would d-dance..." He shut his mouth, growing tense and quiet.

It was gone. All gone.

- Amani Serys -

 

[Amani Serys]

Amani snorted, "For you? Pro bono." They shared a tender moment, as Alicio placed his hand over hers, and thanked her, "I think you could," She said softly, and leaning in to give him a kiss. Another smirk crossed her face, "Maybe not as stylishly, or gracefully, but…" A chuckle. He was stronger than he realized. And she didn't see his hesitation as a sign of weakness.

The city itself was a warren of urban sprawl. Dense, and built more for function than comfort, at least on this end of the capital. Alicio studied their surroundings intently, before suddenly pointing out an empty lot that had once been a theater. Not anymore, though. Amani frowned for a moment, then put on a sympathetic smile, "Which one was your favorite?" She asked, trying to bring his thoughts back to the positives.

But as they moved on, Alicio was struck once again by the consequences of time. His family house replaced by a small complex. He couldn't make it through his thoughts before words escaped him. Amani reached over to hug him, "Honey…" She kept him close for comfort, nuzzling his neck, "I'm so sorry."

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

Alicio accepted a kiss from Amani, letting the moment linger before Amani inevitably ruined it with a well-timed quip. The Count rolled his eyes, her joking support obviously having cheered her up. "Oookay. Whatever." Then, a more genuine "Thanks," escaped him, as he turned his attention to the twins once more. And like that, they were out the door, and walking the city.

"Which one was your favorite?"

"I don't remember any of their names." Alicio stared at the empty lot where the theater used to be, a pensive look on his face. "There was one about a Jedi that I remember loving. I dragged my family out to see it twice before the run was over. She was one of those lone warrior types." He smirked. A silent hero, who would breeze into town, solve it's problems in the two hour run time, and disappear without thought of reward.

The sight of where his home had been stopped all thought of past shows. He tried to vocalize his thoughts, but found he couldn't. Wrapping a desperate arm around Amani's midsection as she hugged him, Alicio tried his best to keep himself together.

"I... I'd hoped there'd be something." His words were slow, entirely too controlled, as if he were trying too hard to keep himself composed. "I... I knew there wouldn't be. But I'd hoped..." The bombs had fallen here, after all. Killing his parents in their home.

He took a deep breath. Focused on the woman in his arms, the children at his side. The past hurt, but with them, he could bear it. "Um... I learned to dance the waltz, here. And... And when it got cold in the winters, and the heating cut out, my mother would cover the living room in blankets, and my sisters and I would have a big family sleepover."

His next words were quiet. Barely a whisper. "They... sent me away."

- Amani Serys -

 

[Amani Serys]

Alicio recollected a production about a lone Jedi hero, making Amani smile at the thought. He might not have remembered the name of it, but the memory was still there. Something he could hold on to.

But the loss of the old home struck much harder. It was gone, demolished in the bombings and built over by something new. Their hopes rejected by reality. Amani held him close, to keep him stable. All the while, Alicio delved deeper into his youthful memories; Dances he'd carried with him over the years. Homely troubles turned into an excuse for familial bonds. And how he was ultimately sent away from it all.

Amani looked up at him with sad, wistful eyes, "To the school?" She connected. At the same time, as if registering her father's loss, Lia began to stir and whine.

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

"Mmm." Alicio affirmed Amani's question with a shallow hum, a small sound, that held so much meaning. There was a moment more of staring at the apartment complex, before the Count noticed Liana's stirrings. Torn from the moment by concern for his daughter, Alicio slipped away from Amani, walked around the stroller, and scooped up the little girl. He silently assured her that everything was okay, holding her flush to his chest.

It helped him a little, too.

"Claire left before then. She didn't want to hide anymore, so I mostly just saw Victoria, at the end. And mother, when she couldn't find work." He traced patterns in Lia's fluffy hair with a gentle finger.

"I had... one friend my age. Benvo. He was shorter than me, blonde hair, always a big smile on his face." Alicio wasn't smiling now. "We would run around the streets, having fun, being children... Mostly, we'd play Jedi." In retrospect, he'd likely been inspired by the play he'd seen, back then. "He stopped coming around one day. My parents asked around the shelters, and..." He trailed off. The reason was obvious.

"I... was different... after that. That's why they sent me to the Academy, I think... they didn't know what to do with me." He planted a long kiss on Liana's forehead. "I didn't eat, I'd stopped talking... I was in a poor place."

"So they left me. Where we're going next." The dour Count forced a smile. "Sorry. I wish I had more happy memories to reminisce over."

- Amani Serys -

 

[Amani Serys]

Lia became a little more at ease when held close to her father, and vice versa. Amani reached down and stroked August's little head of hair, before picking him up as well.

Alicio delved deeper into his youth, explaining the eventual absence of his sister Claire. She knew at least that eventually came back around; Somewhere along the way they had reunited. But the same couldn't be said for his parents, or Victoria. Nor could it be said about his old friend, Benvo. Amani listened curiously, until the realized end of the story broke her heart. She placed a hand on his shoulder, "You never told me about him before," She spoke softly, simply stating, not judging, "I'm sorry."

The grief had apparently been too much for him. And his family, "They just… sent you away?" Amani pursed her lips as if to silence herself. She wasn't eager to speak ill of the dead, especially his parents, but she couldn't help but be disappointed by the decision. "It's not your fault," Amani forced a smile that matched his.

"What was Benvo like?" She asked, hoping to get him to try and focus on those brighter corners of his childhood.

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

"I haven't... I've tried not to think of him, since I left here." The Count grew a thousand-yard stare, as if he could see past the civilization around them, to something beyond. "It's... painful."

Obviously an understandment. Losing his childhood friend had made a huge impact on his development.

"They just… sent you away?"

Alicio felt his lip quiver a little, before he stilled it. It felt... wrong, when she said it like that. His parents couldn't be to blame. "It wasn't as if I gave them much choice. I'd closed myself off. I didn't try to make any friends. I was... wasting. I imagine they thought a new life would do me well."

A new life that tore him away from all he knew, entrusted with the safety of a deadly secret, and shouldering life experiences that no young child should.

Alicio frowned, letting his chin rest against Liana's shoulder. Perhaps that was why he wanted to hold his new family so close.

As Amani asked about Benvo, Alicio blinked once, ruminating on the question. "I remember how happy he was, all the time. And that he was a little smelly, but I didn't mind." He traced geometric patterns in Lia's back. "He had these braces on his legs, called them his 'stompers'. Um, because of them, other children on the block didn't let him play wicket ball, so I'd play with him instead. We'd run up and down these streets without a care in the world. In our Jedi games, I was always the Jedi Master, but he acted as everyone else." Finally, there was a ghost of a smile. He could practically hear the shouts of 'Master 'Licio!' echoing down the sidewalk.

"He didn't have parents. Anyone, really, besides me, and the shelters that passed him around. He barely had anything. But Benvo was always so... joyful. He was inspiring."

"So many times, I told him I would save him in our games." Alicio turned back toward the stroller and set Liana back within it, though he kept kneeling at her side. "But I couldn't. In the end."

He felt a prick at the corner of his eye.

- Amani Serys -

 

[Amani Serys]

Amani didn't say anything more about the decision to send Alicio away. She wasn't interested in debating the nuance of the decision, especially not now, while he was dealing with so many other emotions. Perhaps the choice was made out of good intentions, but the mere idea of sending her own child away because of that felt like… giving up. She didn't envy the many compromises the Organas had to make during that period of their lives.

Instead, Amani let him speak on Benvo, smiling at the scene he painted through memory. Inspiring, he called him. A light in an otherwise gray and cloudy past. One that like all the others, eventually went out. Amani hugged August a little tighter, "You were a child, Alicio. None of it was your fault," She said with sudden conviction, "You gave him the best thing you could. A friendship."

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

"You were a child, Alicio. None of it was your fault. You gave him the best thing you could. A friendship."

Of course, Alicio knew that. It made sense. He'd brought a bit of joy into Benvo's life. He couldn't have asked a little boy to do any more. Why should he have expected it of himself?

...Why did he?

Alicio sniffled, subtly rubbing an eye with the back of his hand. "...We should head to the school," he said after a moment, booping Lia's nose with a light finger. The action didn't elicit the usual squeak of happiness from the little girl. Instead, she stared at him, a visible concern in her grey eyes. Perhaps she could sense he was trying to outrun his thoughts. "I don't want to miss our appointment."

He walked to the bar of the stroller, but didn't begin to move. Instead, he stared at where his home used to be, glued to the sidewalk.

"This was... the last place I saw them. My parents." Alicio's face seemed paler than usual "I was standing... right there." He nodded toward the lip where the sidewalk intersected with the road. "I don't even... remember what I said to them."

After a moment more of conflict, his face broke. Whatever calm he was trying to cultivate shattered, as his voice turned quiet with strain. "Maybe... this was a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't have come here." He thought he might have felt better, talking about it all. But he didn't.

- Amani Serys -

 

[Amani Serys]

Alicio dwelled on his tumultuous thoughts for a little while, then abruptly decided he was ready to move on. Amani couldn't blame him really— This journey was no doubt a mess of emotion for him to dig back up, and with what dour results they were met with, it was hard to find a bright spot in the tragedy. She just nodded and began to move, placing August back down in the stroller; But Alicio didn't get far before he froze again.

"Maybe... this was a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't have come here."

Amani frowned deeply, and approached her husband with a sympathetic hand on his back, "I'm sorry…" She repeated, struggling to find how else she might assuage his struggles beyond an assuring presence. The mirialan swallowed thickly, restrengthening herself so that she might remain that presence, "These things take time to heal. But feeling so deeply... that doesn't make you any weaker."

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

Alicio felt Amani support his back, and he subconsciously responded by wrapping an arm around her's. The memories, this trip, was obviously painful for him. And not entirely in the healthy way of coming to terms with his past. Some of it just... hurt.

"These things take time to heal. But feeling so deeply... that doesn't make you any weaker."

Alicio didn't respond for a moment, just staring straight ahead at the ghost of his home. "I've had time. But... I've been avoiding it for so long. Some... idiotic part of me was hoping I'd find them here. Waiting for me to come home." Of course, he knew it wasn't the case. They were dead, every other part of him knew it. But all he'd heard about his family, about Balmorra, it had become more real by visiting. "Let's... let's go."

With some amount of strain, Alicio wheeled around the stroller, walking away from the scene, his eyes glued to the two Organas he could see through the mesh. "We should... probably take public transport, or the ship, to the north side," he said, his thoughts elsewhere. "It would be a bit of a walk to the Academy."

He was running away from his pain again. Maybe that's what he needed to do right now, maybe not. He wasn't sure.

- Amani Serys -

 

[Amani Serys]

"And now you're being made to confront it all again. With new and… unpleasant truths," Amani explained. The wound wasn't just being reopened, but torn deeper, because of what he now knew about the outcome of his childhood home. Alicio was probably going to feel it for a bit longer.

Unfortunately, they couldn't quite dwell on those feelings right now, as they had other obligations forcing them to move. The side of the city where the academy was was a bit too far for a walk, "Sure. Whatever you want," Amani said, her hand still placed on his back, gently guiding him in the direction of a nearby train station.

As they awaited their method of transportation, Amani distracted herself with the kids for a few minutes, before turning back to Alicio once they had settled down, "…Do you feel… ready?" She asked.

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

Alicio felt bad, needing support like this.

It was a selfish, vain, prideful thing, he knew. He was allowed to have assistance, to feel the things he did. But standing here, with Amani's gentle hand on his back, Alicio couldn't help but feel... less than. She had faced her past with bravery, catharsis, acceptance... But he couldn't. He was still stuck in the past, despite trying so desperately to move on.

As they sat down on the train together, Alicio lifted August, letting the bouncing baby sit on his lap. His eyes were still distant, not entirely there, but he didn't seem like he was about to break down, at least.

"…Do you feel… ready?"

Alicio pondered the question for an Alicio-appropriate amount of time, before responding. "I... think so. Yes." August attempted to batter his father in the face with a few meatfist punches, burbling an incoherent challenge, and Alicio angled the boy away. "I... genuinely enjoyed some of my time at the Academy. It was there that I dedicated myself to being a politician. I had teachers that I appreciated, books that I enjoyed..." Alicio let a little smile through his gloom. "Dean Feltran, my old Dean of Students, is supposed to meet us at the gates. I always liked him." He was certain the man would be surprised to see how far Alicio had come.

"Do you have any questions, before we arrive?"

- Amani Serys -

 

[Amani Serys]

It was difficult trying to get through to Alicio. Deep down he seemed to understand, but his emotions drowned out his rationality. Not that Amani could blame him. Quite simply, their hope today had been met with crushing reality. And this time sheer resolve couldn't fix it, or will something new into existence. Amani's past had its pains, but there was still something there to cling onto. Beauty that could blossom out of tragedy. She wasn't going to give up on Alicio's past just yet, but here the path forward was… less clear. With any luck, she hoped, the Academy might just give Alicio the fingerhold he needed.

The train called for its final passengers with a gentle ping, then lurched forward as its engine powered into motion. The cars were busy, but not cramped at least. Amani dangled her hand over Lia's gaze like a self-styled mobile, which the girl grabbed and played with distractedly. "Still there, huh?" She asked with a smile. Good teachers and a good education could take a person far in life. They would no doubt be excited to see one of their own mentees having grown into a successful senator and humanitarian.

"Do you have any questions, before we arrive?"

Amani shook her head, "I'll follow your lead." She leaned over, and rested against his shoulder for the remainder of the ride. After a few minutes of pleasant silence, she spoke up after all, "Who was your favorite teacher?" Ever curious about his past, especially that which might make him feel better.

Alicio Organa​