Private To Drain a Swamp

[Efret Farr]

Concealment makes the soul a swamp. Confession is how you drain it.
- Charles M. Blow
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She had abandoned her travel plans. Lorrd would wait for her...forever, foreseeably. A gemstone that may or may not be buried somewhere in its expansive deserts or forgotten in some museum or university's storage had disappeared from her list of priorities overnight—which was interesting considering that she had wanted to seek one out to hopefully gain a combat advantage over Malva'ikh Dralidok . She knew she'd see him again. It was only a matter of time. With any favor from the Force, she'd be alone this time, and would be able to hold her own.

What she was very concerned would emphatically not wait for her was on Bogano: the catching coals of a relationship. Or, it had been on Bogano weeks before the invasion of Coruscant. She supposed Elias had taken it with him whatever he had gone after the destruction.

Efret managed to hold back her tears as she searched the Enclave for her fellow master. She even managed to hold back her tears when a few of the healers who had tended her after Jedha approached her to ask how she was doing. She held conversation with them as long as she could, which seemed like an eternity but she had no concept of the actual duration. Somehow, she managed this too, but telling them how her last recovery was coming to an end very nicely felt so empty and meaningless when three more were underway.

They fussed over the one they could see: linen strips wrapping her forearm to protect a delicate, somewhat weeping scab. The other two they did not notice, hidden away in her broken mind and her breaking heart.

When she finally bid them thank you and goodbye, she walked out of the Healing Hall into the central Enclave just to encounter sweet Fenn. He asked her something about Master Edo, probably if she was here to see him, but it was as if she had suddenly forgotten how to lipread anything but the genetian's name. Her soul began seeping back into her body at that, sadness gripping her throat and squeezing overdue tears up towards her eyes. She wasn't aware until reflecting in hindsight that she had in fact excused herself with signs and spoken, computerized words before excusing herself with distance.

By the time she was well beyond the Jedi campus, she finally began to cry.

Valery Noble​

 

[Valery Noble]

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Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Double-Bladed Lightsaber

Valery had heard some whispers about her struggling friend. Several Jedi who had run into her had expressed being worried about her and wondered what they could do to help her through the difficult times. But even without those whispers, Valrey knew something was bothering Efret. It was a kind of empathy — a bond — she had with those she was closer to. It forced a constant weight on her heart that could only be lifted if she saw her friend smile again.

The path to find her was luckily not long.

Valery had followed her senses and heart to locate the Jedi Master, who had ventured beyond the Enclave's walls. She made her approach, determined to be there for her, but stopped when she heard the crying. It sent a shiver through her spine and made her heart sink into the bedrock.

It felt awful to see her like this.

"Hey," Valery began as she made her approach. Her voice was soft and gentle, soothing, and meant to draw attention but not startle the woman. "Everything will be okay," Valery assured her, as her arms wrapped around Efret to pull her into a close, tight embrace.

Efret Farr ​

 

[Efret Farr]

By the time Valery found her, Efret had been standing in a spot where she could overlook a wetland for a few minutes. Nirrah had perched on a fallen branch of a lone marsh tree a ways behind the master. The convor turned her head as Valery approached them but the only movement Efret made was in her shuttering shoulders.

At first, she had no idea who was touching her, with her face being in her hands, but she let herself be pulled into a mysterious embrace. She didn't have the will to hide any of her many sadnesses anymore.

Her cries crescendoed in sobs.

Not even a minute later, they began to slow, first into cries again and finally into small hiccups. As even those died away, Efret slid her hands from her face and pulled back away from the hug. Her eyes, surrounding skin red and wet with shed tears, widened.

<Val,> she sighed before switching on her interpretation unit, which had switched off during their tight embrace. When she signed again, it spoke for her. "I'm sorry. I..." She rose a hand to wipe at one of her eyes, still heavy with water.

Valery Noble​

 

[Valery Noble]

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Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Double-Bladed Lightsaber

Valery held on tightly and didn't let go until Efret herself began to pull back from the hug. Her sobbing had quieted down into gentle cries and hiccups, and she seemed ready to talk about her feelings. As expected, she only realized who had pulled her into an embrace after withdrawing from it, so Valery quickly wanted to put her at ease.

She was here to help.

"It's alright," she began with a gentle smile, "You have nothing to be sorry for." Valery's hands briefly lingered on Efret's shoulders and rubbed up and down the sides, hoping it'd offer some comfort.

"I'm here for you," she continued. "I know a lot has happened recently, so why don't we go sit down and talk?" If Efret preferred to first cry it out or even if she wanted Valery to leave, she'd respect it. But no matter what, Valery would do anything in her power to help Efret feel better again.

She deserved nothing but the best.

Efret Farr ​

 

[Efret Farr]

Efret's eyes widened again. She shook her head emphatically, almost desperately, and took a step back from Val. "No, no, I can't go back there. It's so empty with him...gone."

Valery Noble​

 

[Valery Noble]

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Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Double-Bladed Lightsaber

"Efret..." Valery frowned, clearly surprised she was distancing herself. She had always seemed so open to talking when she needed a friend, so why was she hesitant now. Then it clicked. There was a reason why she stood here, on this very planet, and Valery understood who she was referring to.

But why did she think he was gone?

"What do you mean, gone?" Valery asked for clarification. "Are you talking about Elias? Efret, he's not gone..."

Efret Farr ​

 

[Efret Farr]

Efret nodded her head this time. She slid something long and cylindrical out of a pocket on her utility belt, then powered it on. A very thin screen extended out from it, displaying a short letter.

"He left me this," she said after handing to her. Elias surely hadn't meant his words for others' eyes, but Efret needed someone else to know what had pushed her over the emotional edge. She gave Val a few moments to read it over before continuing: "He went away on Quartermaster business, which is well and good. He should..." And she didn't want to get in the way of his duties, old or new.

She sniffed at the end of signing to hold back fresh tears, putting the back of her hand to her mouth for good measure.

Valery Noble​

 

[Valery Noble]

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Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Double-Bladed Lightsaber

Valery's eyes dropped to the letter.

She reached for it and already felt her heart beating in her throat. Without having read a word, she somehow knew exactly what it was going to say. But carefully reading every word only confirmed it. She looked up again, offering back the letter, and stepped forward not for an embrace, but to gently take Efret's hands once they were free.

"He cares about you, Efret," Valery began, as her thumbs gently shifted over the woman's hands, "You still care about him, so nothing is lost yet." Valery pulled back, just in case Efret wanted to sign anything in response. But she held at least her gaze, hoping to convey some comfort and support.

"I've seen the way he smiles when he talks about you. So even if you both feel down right now, I know for a fact that you're still on his mind and within his heart."

"Please, find him and I know it will be alright."

Efret Farr ​

 

[Efret Farr]

Efret didn't likewise pull away but watched her good friend with a sad smile until she had stopped speaking. Then, Efret did raise her hands again. "I can't find him." She lulled her head in anticipatory concession. "I could. I won't. I..." After a short pause, she continued, "You're right. I care. Deeply." Her hands and heart felt a bit lighter with those signs off of her fingertips. "That's why I left him. That's why I won't go to him now."

She made the decision to explain herself further instantly, but also began to regret it soon after beginning. "Val, something awful happened to me on Jedha during the last pilgrimage." Still, she couldn't stop now. The momentum of the words was too much. "I fought one of the Dark Side Elite and...his Darkness is still in my head. I don't want to infect Elias."

Valery Noble​

 

[Valery Noble]

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Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Double-Bladed Lightsaber

Finally, she understood.

Valery's expression further softened, though with worry in her eyes. Coruscant had been incredibly hard on most Jedi, but what could have been so bad that she kept him at a distance? That she felt a need to protect him like this?

"Efret, Elias is very strong and he can take care of himself. If anything, he would want to help you." Elias was perhaps not an expert of the mind and these types of problems, but he was still a Jedi Master.

A Jedi Master who deeply cared about her.

"Talk to him. Explain what happened and be open. I'm sure he'd rather take the risk and be there for you, than be at a distance, not knowing what's happening to you." She tried her best to offer a reassuring smile.

"He cares about you, Efret. Keep him close and everything will be alright."

Efret Farr ​

 

[Efret Farr]

It was instances like this when Efret was most glad that she didn't speak. She was very proud of her Deaf identity and lifestyle, but still couldn't deny the benefit of not having to try to speak through a throat constricted by sorrow.

“You're not hearing me.”

Though she didn't want to fight with Valery, Efret did want to insist on being understood. Specifically, she needed to express her feelings before being advised on how to best address them.

“Please hear me.

“I came back to the Core to play a part in this war. I…” She paused, drumming the fingers of one hand in the air. “I'm just now learning how to be interdependent again. With colleagues, with friends, with…” Another pause came but there was no drumming, just the shy look of a smitten girl. “...more than friends.”

That expression vanished, falling away into some degree of hopeless recollection. “It isn't just a fear that I'll hurt him with my curse. On Jedha during that duel, it got to a point I wanted to end. I didn't want to end it.” As always, the interpretation device didn't communicate her intended emphasis, but both her large, slow signs and her raised brows when indicating herself, gave the effect of verbal emphasis. “I wanted to end.”

Her signing cadence went back to normal. “Remembering a dumb joke he made gave me strength to keep going.” She scoffed soundlessly despite herself, her mind reacting to ideas her hands hadn't yet conveyed. “I'm scared, and embarrassed. There's at least a dozen motivating things I could have thought about instead.”

What kind of Jedi did that make her, that she had entertained such a selfish reason to live on? Where others, like being able to fight another day or to finally be at peace again and resume her independent research, unimportant to her now that Elias was on her mind?

Even though she knew that romantic feelings weren't wrong, she couldn't help but worry that hers had already grown unhealthy.

Valery Noble​

 

[Valery Noble]

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Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Double-Bladed Lightsaber

Valery went quiet and watched Efret closely, doing her best to understand what she signed. What emotions and worries she wanted to convey to a trusted friend. Perhaps she had been too quick with her attempt to help find a solution — sometimes, it was more important to first just listen and be there for someone.

Efret clearly needed this.

"I'm so sorry, Efret," Valery finally said, as she stood in front of her friend. She wanted to pull the woman into another embrace, but wasn't sure if she was willing. In fact, Valery felt at a loss for words, for once. What could she say that'd make Efret feel better after what she just shared?

These were wounds she couldn't just heal with helpful advice.

"I've been in a position where my pain was so great, that I wasn't sure if I could keep going anymore either. So I understand the pain you feel." Even if different circumstances had caused it. But in both cases, love and affection were closely intertwined.

"I just..." Valery frowned. "I don't know what to do, but I want to help you, and I'm always going to be there for you." She felt herself tearing up and tried her best to stay strong for her dear friend. "And please, don't be harsh on yourself for finding motivation in a joke — in him, or anybody else."

"When I was living my worst nightmare and went through my darkest days, it was my little girl who kept me going. Her need for a Mother. It's okay to find your strength in love, friendship, or bonds. We're Jedi, but we're also people, and we are stronger together."

Efret Farr ​

 

[Efret Farr]

Silence settled between them. Efret knit her brow and shifted her weight from one leg to the other. When she began to sign again, she did so with slow and small movements, unsure of herself.

"I know the Order has long been beyond forbidding romantic or familiar attachment, given that neither turn to obsession. I care about Elias, very much, but I know that my feelings are not in danger of leading me to the Dark side. No matter what I feel, I should carry on for my creed."

She took another step back, wavering on her feet, eyes wide, confused and begging—for answers, but also for, almost, forgiveness. "Right? I'm a member of the council now. I live—I should want to live for the dead. I should want to live for their cultures and traditional knowledges."

Valery Noble​

 

[Valery Noble]

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Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Double-Bladed Lightsaber

Valery remained silent for a moment after Efret continued to sign again. She had struggled with the same question in the past, whenever she felt that her motivation stemmed from family, rather than duty. The old, traditional Jedi would have frowned upon the mere idea, but Valery no longer believed it was wrong.

"Well, I think you and many others do want to live for your creed and duty. The only thing that has shaken that, are situations where you've greatly suffered or lost something. Or where I greatly suffered, in my own case," Valery said as she gave it more thought. "A Jedi's life isn't easy, so is it really that wrong for us to sometimes need others to lean on? To have someone whose affection or care can pull us through these difficult times?"

Valery shrugged her shoulders a little and sighed.

"We can't expect a Jedi to selflessly take care of everybody when nothing or nobody takes care of them. When you feel steady about your own life, it's so much easier to give your everything to improve the lives of others."

"I need my family and friends for that. The people I love. It's not the same for everybody, but they help me through anything, and as a result, I can reliably be the Jedi that I am today."

So, what did Efret need to get through anything?

Efret Farr ​

 

[Efret Farr]

Efret's nod was almost imperceptible. "You're right. I love that for you..." A small smile turned up the archeologist's lips. "And maybe I can learn to love that for me, but..."

She swayed again, but took a step towards Val. "I've had my share of relationships before. They've all been fleeting." All the men, Jedi and not, she had at one point or another met at stopover points on her many travels, or even a couple of times in her crew, and had come to care for flashed over her mind's eye. "I never stay and most often they can't come with me. I don't want to leave him behind each time I have an assignment. I don't want to just see him in the interim. I don't want him to continue to feel like our dynamic is transactional." Like she only came back to him when she had nothing else to occupy her time with, or needed a remedy or a home-cooked meal.

The waterlines of her eyes misted. "I hate that I've done that to him. Even if I could fix us, I...I don't think the nomadic requirements of an archeologist allow for a serious relationship."

Valery Noble​

 

[Valery Noble]

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Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Double-Bladed Lightsaber

"I understand," Valery said with just a small smile of her own. It was hard for Jedi to be in serious, romantic relationships. The work often kept them away from home, and that wasn't something all partners could work with. In Valery's case, dating another Jedi helped to remedy that, but some roles within the Order complicated it even further.

If she was away so much, it could be even harder.

"I haven't lived your life, so I'm not in a position to tell you what is and isn't possible. Among the Jedi, we know of each other that work can keep us separated, and it becomes a choice you have to make together. Can you and your potential partner both be satisfied, knowing you'll also spend time apart? or not." There was no right or wrong, just preference and differences between people.

If they wanted to try, they'd have to put in the effort to make it work. But if they decided that it wouldn't work for them, it was something to accept.

"I just... don't want you to feel like having those feelings is wrong. Or that these emotions that kept you going is wrong. You're not a selfish person, Efret. You're sweet and kind, and you also deserve joy of your own."

Efret Farr ​

 

[Efret Farr]

After another few moments of chewing on her lip and thinking over what Val said, Efret closed the distance between them and hugged the taller woman. Efret was content to let the embrace last a minute, letting Val's comfort melt into her own bones. With a firm, friendly squeeze around Val's torso, Efret stepped back.

"I should ask," she admitted. "It's not fair of me to assume what he needs." She shook her head gently. Now that she thought about it with a clearer head, he had probably only felt rejection when she had left Bogano for Coruscant because she hadn't first told him why. If that was indeed the case, absences may not present a problem as long as they were communicated.

Silence elapsed. She was tempted first to tell Val a lie that she didn't know what to say to him. It was a desperate, knee-jerk reaction she was glad didn't make it into her fingers, for she did know what to say. The words were maybe not at the forefront of her mind right now but they were in her, suspended somewhere between there and her heat, ready to be found and strung into a few coherent sentences.

She could do that herself. She had to do that herself.

Instead, Efret asked, "Do you have any idea where he might be?"

Valery Noble​

 

[Valery Noble]

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Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Double-Bladed Lightsaber

For just a few seconds, Valery stood still when Efret closed the distance and pulled her into a hug. She felt an immense relief in her heart that she desperately needed. This felt like a sign that things were going to be okay. For both Efret and Elias, two of her closest friends. When that initial wave of emotions settled, Valery closed her arms around her friend and rested her head atop the woman's shoulder.

Just to keep her close for a minute.

When their embrace broke, Valery smiled and nodded in agreement. It wasn't always easy to talk about these things, but she just knew that if Efret reached out to him, they'd both end up happier. She was a pure soul, kind and with a strong spirit. He was understanding, calm and so open to share his own kindness.

Valery was already rooting for them.

"I think he's still on Bogano. It's his happy place." Valery smirked and pulled her comms unit from her belt. After a quick search, his name came up, but Valery didn't press the button to call him yet.

She looked at Efret, "Tap the button and I'll call him for you."

Efret Farr ​

 

[Efret Farr]

Val thought he was on Bogano?

Where could he possibly be if not the enclave?

Efret's brow furrowed under the weight of the idea that he was hiding from her—either here or out there among the stars. This, what they felt for one another, was supposed to make them act like padawans, but not quite like this. Before she had first left Bogano, her feelings of fondness and longing tended to tug at her heart and dust across her cheeks. She wanted so badly to be shy with anticipation like that again rather than shy of an emotional wound she had inflicted upon him.

She shook her head. "Thank you, but I need to fix this myself." Val was friends with Elias, yes, but she was also his grandmaster as much as she was Efret's. The last thing Efret wanted to do was anything that made Elias not quite think less of her but get hurt further. That included doing something through Val that he could interpret as a trick or an obligation.

"Though, if you do hear about where he is or might be, I'd appreciate a heads up. I'd also..." she trailed off and began to blush a bit, "appreciate a lesson. In using my voice. I can read lips as you know, but I don't know the sounds associated with mouth forms too well. I'd like to...learn to say his name aloud."

Valery Noble​

 

[Valery Noble]

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Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Double-Bladed Lightsaber

"Of course," Valery said with a smile before she pocketed the comms unit again. Efret needed to only ask for her help, and Valery would always be willing to give it. No matter what But she also understood that some problems or tasks needed to be handled alone. This one could easily shape her future — a future she was perhaps wanting to share with another — so she needed to make the right decision for her help.

Valery would be there to support her through it.

Then came a request that briefly surprised her, but it faded from her eyes as soon as it came, replaced by a warm smile. It was a lovely idea and Valery felt a great warmth in her heart that Efret had asked her to teach her.

"I've never taught that to someone before, but I will learn and do what I can to teach that to you." Valery reached forward, gently taking Efret's hands. "You're a great friend and important to me, Efret. I'd love to help you say his name."

Efret Farr ​