To Fear All that you See...

[Caelag Vass]

Did Caelag Vass, a Miraluka blessed with natural affinity to the force, at the cost of her natural sight, fear that which granted her the ability to perceive the world?

The answer should be simple.. it should be no. That there was no fear she held for her sight in the same way a human feared nothing over their eyes, or tongue. Yet she found the answer to be.. muddied. She wasn't afraid of the force, she did not wake up in cold sweat at the thought of it, nor did she find it repulsive or wretched. Yet whenever she considered it, the abilities it granted both her and others, she found..

Pity. She pitied those who relied on it, who used it. She pitied the Jedi, so adherent to the force that their very existence was bound to their ideals. She pitied the sith, consumed by their desire to gain more of this strange ability. She pitied those between, caught in a never ending war between two ideologies that tore the galaxy asunder time and again. She pitied the legionaries of the Iron Empire, who sought to be useful with this capability...

She pitied herself, for whom the world was dark and empty without her crutch. For how long had her eyes been a subject of mockery? For how long had her inability to sustain herself without help been an embarrassment? How long had she been a failure, a sub par soldier with an above average survival rate? Longer than she would care to admit.

And who among her new nation's citizens could she turn to to talk about this? Not the princess, even if she were available for someone as low as she to converse with regularly, for the princess was removed from her plights entirely. Not the Legionaries, for they wouldn't understand what it was like to be caught in the ever turning wheel of the Force, unable to escape its lure entirely. Well, perhaps one Legionary, amusingly enough.

Preator [member="Théodred Heavenshield"] alone seemed to even care to listen. She'd spoken to him more than once, though never in great depth regarding the Force. To her all that had ever mattered, all she had ever voiced to the man, had been her desire to serve, and prove her usefulness. She'd spoken at length of how grateful she was for her comrades and their willingness to serve under an alien, even if she was a near human, and even expressed once her fear of failing the Empire.


Today though, he would find their meeting to be vastly different. And hopefully, she would be able to quiet the fears in her heart. It was with this mindset, the mindset that Theo would help her quiet the force within her, and allow her to serve as a soldier without its painful reminder, that she approached their meeting place within their nation's capital, and nervously glanced about. She wore a plain set of clothes, with slacks and a buttoned shirt, and her cloak about her neck. She stuck out... if only because so few saw her out of the armor.

 

[Théodred Heavenshield]

Only a few weeks he had been back within the realm of the Empire, having spent a little time with family on Midvinter as those days are precious to him and he grabs hold of the opportunity when they present themselves. It seemed to him he had little time to sit, moving from one planet to the next in order to continue the work of the Empire, to help out where he would and his new position demanded such. He had been in the capital to see Val and Aster, to speak with the two regarding the new center for the heals, that would progress shortly but there was another issue that needed his attention. A girl.

He had grown fond of Vass, as he is want to call her, ever since the day they met and after the interesting expedition aboard the 'dead' ship. She is enigmatic, in herself and in the force but regardless of this, there is always a sense of disquiet around her. She had always put up a front, similar to Aster in a way, hiding behind a veil of face they present to wear to the outside world. For Aster it is make-up, for Vass it is set determination and a quick wit.

She had contacted him wanting a word and Théo could only surmise what that might be, although he is happy enough to see her and he is hoping that maybe, just maybe she would 'see' that the force is something that would make her great. But as the old saying goes, 'you can lead a bantha to water, but you can't make them drink'. He grinned at his own silly thought, wandering if Vass had started to become thirsty.

An interesting place to meet, the corner of a street in the Empire's capital. Théo's boots thudded along the stone passing the shops now closed for the day and people streaming along heading home. Transport whizzed passed, one after the other and in the sky the lanes where full, the night air crisp and moist as rain was on the way. He almost did not recognise her as he approached the corner but the aura through the force told him is was she. So different she looked without her signature armour and rifle slung over her back, by the force how she loved that rifle.

"Hello Vass, good to see you well", he said on nearing her, this was to be a casual meeting, no need to follow the protocol of rank, not with a friend.

​

[member="Caelag Vass"]​

 

[Caelag Vass]

"Would that I could say the same." Caelag gave a half smile as Theo approached her, offering a nod of her head. Though defensive over her eyes, with Theo she openly joked of her disability, perhaps because he alone was one she could consider a friend. It was strangely comforting, having a friend, especially one who cared of her plight as genuinely as he did. She knew full well he desired to teach her these abilities, of the force, yet unlike others she feared not him forcing it upon her. As though he only wished her turmoil to end.

"Thank you.. Theo. For coming to meet with me I mean.. it's not something I had feared might be impossible, with your promotion and all. I can imagine your duties are quite exhaustive a list." Leave it to Caelag to open with something about duty, her determination bordered upon obsession at this point. Hell, after her breakdown during the Gathering with the Silver Jedi (in which she did successfully acquire a crystal, mind you) it was well known to those who had heard. Failure was something she could not allow, and she fought against the feeling regularly.

She took a breath, and moved to walk next to Theo, content to follow him where he would lead as they spoke. Their proximity allowed her to be much quieter, even in a public space such as this. "Shall we walk then? I have.. much to talk about."

[member="Théodred Heavenshield"]

 

[Théodred Heavenshield]

“Of course I would come to meet with you”, he wondered at her comment, after all she was an important part of the Empire and her leaders, and besides that she was one of the first people he had met when he first arrived. Theo did consider her a friend and one he knew would always have their backs in a time of need. “My duties are increased since my appointment”, if he was honestly he was still getting used to the whole idea of it all. “But I would always find time for you if you need me”.

They both turned to wander the streets for a while, he would let her lead the way and if a place suitable to them appeared they would take it. For now he was happy enough to mingle in the street alongside the good citizens of the capital. Everyday life was something neither of them could enjoy or experience and spending some time in the company of strangers was refreshing. An escape from the normal, for them.

“Let’s see where this streets leads us”, he said as they waited for a long line of transports to pass before they could cross to the other side. He would listen to her, as it was evident she had much to say, the sense of confusion within her he would feel, and he was curious to know why.

[member="Caelag Vass"]​

 

[Caelag Vass]

Caelag gave a small nod to Theo, following her senses as she walked with him through the streets. So peaceful.. what she wouldn't have done to have lived as these ordinary citizens. Free of the force, of conflict. To find some purpose that didn't feel as though it tore you apart bit by bit. She raised a hand to her head, resting it amid her light brown hair, letting her thoughts focus a moment in silence before she began. "It's.. difficult to rely on a crutch. Something that makes up for your inherent disabilities. I've been making due for.. for years now. I made my peace with the color of the world, shades of grey and what not. I'm at peace with a lot of these.. flaws I have."

She took a breath, and continued, her pace quickening ever so slightly. "But.. I just can't keep it up. Every day is a reminder of my reliance on this 'sight', and all the trouble it's caused me, and I just feel pity. I don't like that feeling, I don't like it one bit, but all I can think of when I think of myself each morning is how pitiful it is to be so reliant on a crutch, and try to be a proper soldier with it. I think of my failures, my losses, everything that lead me to where I was when the Princess brought me in, and I just see a pitiful wannabe trying to act the part. a sub par soldier with a survival rate above what they should have. It makes my stomach crawl, makes me feel the force, and I just want it to be quiet.."

[member="Théodred Heavenshield"]

 

[Théodred Heavenshield]

“You know nothing of what I see. Equally. I know nothing of what you see, how do you know you have not got the better sight of it all?”.

Théo stepped out of the way of an oncoming pedestrian a women with child in hand and a pace set with purpose, she paid the two of them little attention as she passed but the child with inquisitive eyes, looked at them both with intrigue at the strange couple that walked the streets.

“You consider this .. disability as only you call it, as a crutch or flaw or both, but why? When you possess something, an ability, more honest to tell the truth, then what I have?” He placed his hands behind his back laying them one over the other as they leisurely strolled along. “I am not going to pretend I understand how you feel, I have no idea in what it would be like to lose physical sight, but nor do you”.

As they approached the corner of the street, a stall selling hot drinks and sweet cakes made his stomach growl with intent. Théo stopped to purchase two cakes and a caf, one for Vass, but she might prefer herbal tea like Lady [member="Aster Rose Baelor"], who had shocking taste in hot drinks. He took a long sip of the caf before they would set off walking once more, yes Aster don’t know what she is missing, the caf pumped life and thought into his mind again.

“I have the ability to ‘see’ through the force, different to you of course, but it took me many years to achieve much training and still your ability would be stronger than mine. What you perceive as a crutch a flaw, I perceive as a natural born gift”, He took a bite of the cake, small grains of the sugar fell into his beard and he washed it down with caf.

He knew of Vass’s fight to resist the force, anything to do with it, and he had made no secret of wanting her to explore rather than deny it, and he would not give up, but in time he hoped she would see that the force was actually her best friend and a grace that would save her life time and again.

“Have you ever sat and considered why you have a great survival rate out there in the field of combat?”.

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[member="Caelag Vass"]​

 

[Caelag Vass]

"Theo.. what color is the sky. Describe it, describe what blue looks like." She turned on her heels a moment to face him, stopping them dead in their tracks. Fortunately, the area around them was empty, allowing her this brief moment to explain her thoughts better. "What does it mean to see something beautiful, to watch a holo-movie, read a book, see a hologram or datapad for a mission briefing? These are things I can't do, simple everyday things. I can't even fly or drive a speeder, for fear something would happen to me that I simply couldn't see. For what you call an ability all I 'see' is a void of a galaxy. True, I don't know what you see, but that only makes the absence all the worse when you are surrounded solely by people who can. It's a blessing I can manage as well as I do yes.."

After what seemed an eternity in moments, she turned back and continued the path, too wrapped up in her thoughts to respond to the possible sweet cake. "I would give so much to see myself. For just a moment. But.. I can live with that. What bothers me is this failure rate..." She sighed, and wrapped her arms around herself, keeping her back to Theo for a while longer. "That's simple enough. I get shot and someone's there to patch me up. I make the right call, or I make a lucky shot."

[member="Théodred Heavenshield"]

 

[Théodred Heavenshield]

He rested a gentle hand on her shoulder as she turned from him, "I am sorry Vass. You are right, there are some thing you cannot do or see that I can which... I guess I simply take for granted. There are no words to describe the colour blue or the sky, even if you could see them". He moved to stand in front of her once more, "But there will always be some things you can't do, but I know for a fact you could drive a speeder .. if you would let me train you", he lowered his voice to a whisper. This ability was not out of her reach and he could train her to use the force to do so.

"Not necessarily. Yes you get injured, but for the most part it is more then that. The right call as you call it, or a lucky shot .. probably something else that is guiding your hand your thought process, or at least helping you. I think you use the force and you don't even realise it. You know what? you should have a chat with my mother. She was like you once, hated the force and did everything she could to deny it. She was a soldier too".

"Come on, lets take these sweet cakes and find a patch of grass to sit and eat them on", he gently link her arm in his and walked with his friend down the street once more. For a long while more, they walked in silence him toying with the idea to approach an idea he had in his mind but knew she would be opposed to it, but .. it was worth a try.

"I am going to close my eyes, and I want you to find that patch of grass for us .. I want you to 'see' it". And so he closed his eyes and let her lead him.

​

[member="Caelag Vass"]​

 

[Caelag Vass]

"Theo, I'm not so ungrateful for what sight I have that I can't find a patch of grass." She gave a small sigh, leading him on to the grass she could see. A nice patch with few people about, not so few as to stand out but not so crowded privacy would be lacking.

"Luck is a very real thing. Chance is a very real thing, Theo. Perhaps the odds are a bit weighted, given my training, but it's be foolish to say that there was no random chance in it all. I'll give you some credit, though, as I tend not to be fatally shot. Or even that badly shot. Though I doubt there's much to convince me of much there." when she reached the grass, she patted his shoulder and moved to sit.

[member="Théodred Heavenshield"] was quite the strange man. What was he aiming for?

 

[Théodred Heavenshield]

"Sure there is some luck in the galaxy and l agree with you that it is a rare thing. But I do believe that the force helps you even if you don't recognise it as such, or even feel it because you are stubborn to it", he grinned as she guided him to sit which he did and opened his eyes and once she joined him he would place the sweet cakes between them to share.

He was not interested in the surroundings, so he took no notice, his main concern was Vass. It was difficult for him to relate to her, he couldn't but he could see she was partaking of self pity .. he probably would too if given the same set of life circumstances. So who was he to say anything really. But he had to try because he knew what the force can do, and how it would benefit her greatly.

"Then I shan't try and convince you. I can see my words are wasted here", he took a bit of his share of the cake. "But .. instead of me talking your ears off how about I show you?". It would not be him doing anything for her to see. "All I want, just this once .. is for you to try it. That is all, just once and if you still don't want this I will say no more on the matter".

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[member="Caelag Vass"]​

 

[Caelag Vass]

"Perhaps I will, just to put an end to our disagreements on the subject." She sighed, picking up one of the sweet cakes, using it to allow her a few moments to think. What difference would it make, she wondered. To her, using the force was akin to a drug, a crutch for the weak and something addictive. Even her own sight oft tempted her to explore more, though she was, as he put, stubborn enough to resist. Yet it did cause her no small amount of grief to do so...

Another sigh escaped her lips as she finished the small cake, folding her arms and pulling her knees up. "... Theo... my place will ever be at the front of my platoon, weapon in hand in service to the nation. Can you promise you won't try to change that, with or without the force? I know only the life of a soldier, it would be cruel to deprive me of that much comfort."

[member="Théodred Heavenshield"]

 

[Théodred Heavenshield]

He had to laugh, "Get me to shut up you mean", he grinned placing the last piece of cake in his mouth before brushing his hands on his legs to rid them of the crumbs. He would need her to settle her mind for a moment before beginning what he had planned but that was not possible just yet. Vass still had questions and concerns around this whole thing. He was not here to convince her to join the Legion, she is army through and through he was very aware of that and he would never ask her to change anything about herself.

Except for one thing..

"Nothing nor no one will change what you don't want changed. That is not my intention". Theo pulled his long legs up around and crossing them in front of him, "Have you ever meditated?", he kinda strongly suspected he already knew the answer to this as he closed his eyes and grinned despite himself. Vass was probably rolling her eyes at him. "Find a comfortable position, no one needs to twist their body into knots".

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[member="Caelag Vass"]​

 

[Caelag Vass]

"Times like these I wish I could roll my eyes at you. Ah the pains of lacking such biology as yours." She shook her head at [member="Théodred Heavenshield"] and his words before she slowly moved her legs, resting them comfortably enough. She wasn't in any proper 'pose', she was actually seated on the right sides of her legs, relaxing slightly as she sat there. She took a very slow breath, and spoke again after she made herself as comfortable as she could. "I don't suppose I need to close my eyes next? Bit ahead of the curve on that one." She was being unusually... quite the joker today. Perhaps her fondness for Theo as a friend opened her up unlike others before. They weren't in the same line of work, not really, and they spoke often enough. There were so few people she spoke to that weren't soldiers.. the Princess being the real main other.

 

[Théodred Heavenshield]

Théo was in no position to speak on, or even to understand what Vass wanted or what she wished for. One thing to be blind when one has eyes, but to not have them at all? He actually did not hear her speak, he was deep in thought .. his sister occupying his mind. Nina had, from birth, lacked to ability to speak her only form of communication was through telepathy and that was even limited to touch, you had to have skin contacted to do it. But she had secretly developed, with the help of engineers from Mon Cal, a device that allowed her to 'voice' the words in her mind, even to the point it would have been her voice had she been able to use it. The engineering marvels of this galaxy have come up with the most extraordinary things, not only in ships and technology for lost limbs etc, but what of eyes?

Her last words caught his attention however, but more so because he had decided not to voice his thoughts to her just yet. "Yeah", he half scoffed in jest. "Alright lets start slowly", with eyes closed he focused on Vass within the force. Naturally she was easy to find and sense, her force signature brimming with power .. not to mention he knew she was sitting right in front of him. But the reason was so he could sense her work through the force and gauge her progress.

"Concentrate of nothing, remove all thoughts from your mind and as each one quietens I want you to 'listen' to the surroundings in your mind. Try and reach for the energy that is around us, always around us and bring it to you".

[member="Caelag Vass"]​

 

[Caelag Vass]

Caelag sighed a little, the words Theo spoke not entirely understood in her mind. She understood the concept of meditation, even if she never partook in it herself. Some of the kids she'd grown up around did similar things, though not for the reason Theo suggested here, but for relaxation. She had been too upset by the teasing the other kids gave her over her bandaged head all the time to have the peace to do so.. and at home she was always too excited to spend time with whichever parent was on leave that week. All the same, she was slowly able to do.. some of that. She could remove some thoughts with ease, things like Theo no doubt watching her, of the people around her. Some things, though, weren't so easy to escape. As she did sit there, trying to push thoughts away from her mind, one lingered in the back of her mind just out of perception.

Which wouldn't surprise anyone, if they understood her past. Granted she didn't talk about it, but if one tried to read her mind, they could figure it out in such a vulnerable state. Thoughts of her mother, long since one to have passed on, thoughts of failing her dreams of a safe, free galaxy. Thoughts of failing her, and of her father being left alone in the galaxy. Things like these, they weren't able to be pushed to the side easily even if one was aware of the thoughts influencing them. But for Caelag, someone who wasn't consciously thinking about them, but instead always subconsciously influenced by them, it impaired her. She was doing remarkably well for her first attempt, especially given her reservations, but these thoughts kept her from really, truly meditating as Theo suggested.

[member="Théodred Heavenshield"]

 

[Théodred Heavenshield]

Small steps, that is what it takes and simply removing thoughts from your mind is not an easy task. But the whole purpose of meditation is to get rid of the obsolete and bring forth the things in ones mind from the subconscious to bear. To be addressed whether in the here and now or for later, but it is the recognition that some issues in ones life, either past or present hold baring on your present and future.

Theo opened one eye to watch Vass for a moment before resuming his quiet meditation which would roll around things in his past before him again, and some of which was easy to dismiss having dealt with them to a degree, at least to the point where they don't impact directly upon his actions. But this is not Theo time, but time to dedicate to her.

Theo deep voice softened, "Do not deny your past, for it is what has made you and it will make you again. Place thoughts that you pull forward to a recess in your mind to be recalled later. Open a door walk them inside before you walk out again. And listen". It was an analogy and she could use what images required to achieve this. "Patience Vass, we have all day".

Now he focused, his mind reaching out only to Vass .. she, as clear as if his eyes were open sitting before him. Her force aura swirling so untamed and raw, strong and vibrant and his tendrils reached for her, she would sense him, a nearness that would become apparent to his presence close to her. Not physical .. but a presence like a soft breeze with a hint of pine, she would come to know in an instant to be him.

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[member="Caelag Vass"]​

 

[Caelag Vass]

In some ways, Caelag understood what Theo was trying to say, feel the memories slowly locking themselves away within her mind. She wasn't a stranger to the analogy, her mother used to use it to help her sleep at night, locking away fears and concerns to a later day. So, one by one, she began to do just that. Fears, concerns, memories, things she could think of, things she didn't want to think of, these she began to easily lock away. One by one, she was finally emptying her mind, over the course of what had to have been at least an hour, or so it felt. And when she could no longer feel anything to lock away, she began to listen, quietly.

She did feel, rather quickly, the presence of Theo, beyond the knowledge he was there of course. Not strange to her was his form in her mind, yet she could start to feel his presence stronger, beyond him sitting there. The tendrils, the light breeze and pine.. almost immediately she began to focus on it. Such, strange sensations, considering where they were. It was, calming, a bit. Relaxing.. perhaps a bit too relaxing. As she focused on the gentleness, she felt a string of her memories beckoning to her. Lost in herself, she naturally chose to follow it, see why this soothing presence of Theo drew such memories out of her well..

Almost immediately she regretted it. Theo would feel it too, the sudden shift as she began to remember her mother. The sweet times, the gentle memories, these came first, followed swiftly by her temper tantrums as a young girl, her fights with them, the sadness, the bittersweet memories, everything. Emotions didn't follow logic, but the conclusion to the emotional assault was the most logical place she could end up. The memory of holding a small letter in her hand, and the emotions that surged violently from reading it. Immediately upon recalling, she withdrew inward, her presence pushing back against Theo's to keep him away as she physically curled up, fighting to hold in the fit of crying she wanted so greatly to indulge herself in.

[member="Théodred Heavenshield"]

 

[Théodred Heavenshield]

Her distance was not a physical one, but more a drawing back into herself which was only in her own mind. Theo was not intruding there and did not know of the memories welling up in Vass although he could sense her emotional upheaval, that was something she had not learned to block. She needed this, she needed to address the past for the good or the bad or she would not be able to move on, not just with life but if she was ever to train in the force and have it become her ally and not foe. Everyone has something in their past that prevents progress, even he does, and although most of his past had been addressed, it was always there just .. manageable now.

But his past had given Theo a valuable lesson. He can still recall the moments in which he squeezed his young finger on the trigger of the blaster with intent to take a life, it was that or other children would have been killed, including himself. But his friend beat him too it. A strange boy but one that craved for love and friendship, a dark jedi that had goodness in his heart and on that day, saved Theo from more then just a bolt. Boo's actions had stopped Theo from walking the same path as himself .. into the belly of darkness. Theo learned that not all dark jedi are bad or do bad deeds, it was this that gives Theo an understanding of them, and acceptance.

Theo opened his eyes to see Vass curled up, her body trembling frighting back emotions that cried out for release. He uncurled his own legs went to her and scooped her up off the ground and cradled her in his arms resting her head against his chest. "Do it Vass .. let go of it all". He said softly and would remain here with her until all her emotions are spent. She can do that, cry her eyes out until no more tears issue forth, if she fights him for such a close and intimate action .. so be it .. if angry comes there is little she could do to hurt him. He did not care through which avenue the release came.

It had to come ..

​

[member="Caelag Vass"]​

 

[Caelag Vass]

"I.. I..." Caelag shuddered and shivered in Theo's arms, not pushing him away but not exactly seeming to find much comfort in the warmth and closeness. If anything, she only curled tighter inward, her hands reaching up to press against the bandage over her vestigial eye sockets. She couldn't hold perfectly still, she could barely stay in his arms as she tried to get the words out her lips. "I... can't. I can't.. Theo. It's.. not fitting for a soldier. I've.. done my crying before.. when I was young. Now it.. it would just be a hindrance. It doesn't.. have a use. It doesn't help anyone. Nothing can change it, and... and there's no use crying over her anymore."

Stubborn? Perhaps, grief had a distinct taste to the air, and very distinct effects on a person's state. In Caelag's case, it drove her, while preventing her from achieving her maximum potential. It was a delicate situation, as Theo could likely pick up on as Caelag continued to speak, gently and under her breath, about her mother not wanting her to let it get to her. For once, what motivated her to fight so hard, to prove herself, to go beyond her limits, that was on display. To remove that would leave a void, a gaping hole that would need to be filled, yet doing so was the path forward for his own goals, to teach Caelag the Force, and allow her to achieve greater feats.

The way her shoulders gently rose and fell in quick, controlled bursts, however, gave way that she was at least letting some of her pent up emotion free. Not nearly enough to 'let go of it all', but enough that she could, likely, continue soon enough with whatever the day brought.

[member="Théodred Heavenshield"]