Private Trial of Spirit ~ Facing Your Own Beast

[Jonyna Si]

Lidom Yilvar, Cathar​

TAG: Rayia Si

Jonyna's last time training with her adoptive daughter was far too long ago. With her tasks as the new Sentinel of Harmony, her training of Aris, her miserly attempts at maintaining a social life, and a two front war keeping her attention, Rayia had been left to her own devices.

Jonyna intended to fix that today.

The trials of a padawan were not unknown to her, but her own had been highly unorthodox, even by the measures of the NJO. Still, to say she hadn't been keeping track of her padawan's progress would be a lie. The Trial of Courage had been made during the Enclave invasion. While that felt like almost forever ago, it had been the first leap in Rayia's training that led them to where they were. The Trial of Skill, had been recent. She had watched Rayia hold her own against Domina Prime, a feat she had struggled with up until recently. The Trial of the Flesh, a constant struggle for Rayia. Rayia's beast form had haunted her for ages.

That was the plan for today.

Finally allow her Padawan, her daughter, the rest she had earned.

Make it so the girl could control her beast, and find peace with it, as she would the Force.

As such, she had led them both into the new temple, into a seemingly pointless, empty stone room.

Lidom Nu'pall.

Jonyna had helped restore this room herself, designed to allow a jedi total isolation from distractions. Only the sound of the unending rain on the roof, and the sound of one's own thoughts.

And of course, the sound of her master.

"I want you to focus, okay Rayia? Focus on nothing by the sound of the rain..."

It was a simply command, but it was a starting point. Focus...

 

[Rayia Si]

Jonyna Si

---

Rayia was similarly excited when she had received Jonyna's invitation to train. It had been a while since the two had been together, and well… Rayia had missed her mother. Following Jonyna through the stone halls of the temple, Rayia nearly vibrated with excitement. Soft, rasping clicks echoed down the smooth stone halls; the result of the short Felacatian bouncing on clawed toes as she followed Jonyna to an effaced stone room.

Amber golden eyes scanned the stonework, searching as to some hint regarding the barren room. The constant patter of rain on the roof and the vibration it created caused Rayia's tail to bristle and sway gently from side to side. It was calming, in a way that little else had been. 'Jonyna must figure I could use a moment to catch my breath? What, with the war on? …Actually, we probably both do.'

Before she closed her eyes to follow Jonyna's instruction to focus, Rayia cast a surreptitious glance towards her master. She studied Jonyna's face and movements for any signs of haggardness and exhaustion. If she found any, Rayia would reach over and squeeze Jonyna’s shoulder, before she let the sound of Jonyna’s voice and the endless rain lull her away.

 

[Jonyna Si]

TAG: Rayia Si

Jonyna seemed to wait what could be an eternity before she spoke next. The sound of the rain lulling both of them into a stillness, a stint of meditative calm.

"...reach within." Was all Jonyna muttered next. "Reach within, and face it. Face yourself, and find a moment to stare in the mirror."

The Force flowed through them, and Rayia could see...herself. Her beastial self, staring her right in the face.

 

[Rayia Si]

Jonyna Si

---

The silence stretched interminably as Rayia listened to the rain patter on the roof. Ears alert and twitching, Rayia imagined her surroundings seemingly narrowing. Darkness seemed to obscure the edges of her mental image, blotting out more and more as Rayia drifted deeper and deeper.

By the time Jonyna actually spoke, Rayia’s perception had focused solely on herself. A lens drawn to a single point encapsulating the Felacatian and little else. Sensations, such as the trailing of her fingers over the smooth stone began to fade away. Even the way that it supported her soon began to vanish, replaced instead with an all too familiar feeling.

Sinking into the deep darkness whilst it clung to her viscously. Churning it with flailing legs and arms as Rayia tried her best to stay afloat. Under Jonyna’s instruction, the amber sea that separated Rayia from the beast locked within its depths swallowed her. For the first time that she could remember, Rayia stood at its very bottom awake and staring right into the golden, slitted eyes of her beast as it shifted in its shackles to look at her.

Fear surged within her. The thought of what might happen if she lost control right now playing before her eyes. The monsterous feline form that comprised Rayia’s beast within hadn’t attacked Jonyna the last time Rayia had shifted. But there was no guarantee that wasn’t a fluke. Then… another emotion began to replace the fear.

Rayia looked upon the beast bound in chains and pity welled up within her. The meter long poles of burnished metal hammered into the ground fastening its clawed paws. The chain-links, twice as thick as Rayia’s arms, draped over its furred back like a cloak. This was all visualization, Rayia knew. If the beast was chained it was only because- ‘I am the beast, and the beast is me.’

 

[Jonyna Si]

TAG: Rayia Si

The master reached out, mentally connecting with her padawan through the trial. While it wasn't something she was particularly skilled in, she had studied enough over the last month to at least connect to her padawan for this trial.

And yet, she kept her distance, metaphorically. She wanted Rayia to conquer this herself. Find peace with her beastial form. A jedi should be master of themselves, more than anything. More than they are at the blade, more than they are at the Force, a jedi should master their own mind, body, soul.

 

[Rayia Si]

Jonyna Si

---

Rayia blinked as she felt Jonyna connect to her. Yet, she did not take her eyes from her bestial self in front of her. Rayia knew, as surely as the sun rose each day, what the consequences for looking away would be. Death, normally she supposed, but in this mental world of amber tide that Rayia had plunged herself into? The loss of the challenge she put forth.

Rayia took the opportunity to genuinely study her bestial half and the restraints binding it. It was the first time she was genuinely visualizing it in such great detail. Traditionally, feeling the beast stirring within her was akin to an impression. A momentary silhouette of its strength as it raged against its shackles. But this close to it? Rayia could feel the oppressive weight of some unresolved emotion settling across her shoulders.

She knelt, glancing upwards at the abyss of amber that pooled around them like liquid. It was viscous and laden, hampering proper movement. Somehow, it seemed to creep in on all sides, clinging to whatever it touched. Rayia’s hair drifted too and fro, much as the beast’s tawny gold and white striped fur did, suspended by her surroundings. Rayia’s golden eyes slid back down towards the beast’s own, mirroring them in the way they glinted in the light. Rayia moved slowly, trying to place a hand on the beast’s snout, but the beast’s lips drew back. Glittering fangs rattled as Rayia’s bestial half dragged a snarl from her throat. Rayia drew back smartly, withdrawing her fingers before they were nipped off.

“I see now. It’s so… heavy. What do I… do now?” Rayia said, talking as much to her master as to herself.

 

[Jonyna Si]

TAG: Rayia Si

Jonyna's voice seemed to ring through Rayia's mind, disembodied, but forever kind. "A jedi must learn to befriend all. Find serenity in nature, including your own. This is part of you, Rayia, you must learn to tame it. I believe you can, you just need to show it kindness..."

Jonyna's words echoed, and both sides of Rayia felt the softness of a mother's touch. It was the feeling of comfort, trying to encourage both to talk to each other.

 

[Rayia Si]

Jonyna Si

---

Rayia felt her mother’s presence as one might feel a hand settle into the small of their back. It nudged her forwards insistently towards the other half of herself. From the ripples coruscating down the beast’s spine, it similarly must have felt the growing pressure to move even closer. ‘When was it exactly? When I first became afraid of this side of me?’ Rayia wondered as she heard her mother’s advice. Golden eyes flicked to each other as the beast shifted to look at her.

‘Was it this time?’ Rayia wondered as images flashed past in quick succession. Pitch black waves as tall as hills swallowing red gouts of blood interspersed with the cracking of timber. ‘That time?’ Now, Rayia in beast form faced off against another Felacatian. This stranger nevertheless bore Rayia a striking resemblance. Both snarled as they raked each other with fangs and claws. New sinew and flesh weaving itself in as the mounting stress fueled their transformations. ‘Then?’ An image of a massive skeleton slumped over a mountain. Between its ribcage, stairs led further inside. Golden ichor spilled from its veins, still thrumming uneasily with the Force, as if it might combust at any moment, even in such a distant memory.

But Jonyna was right. Rayia couldn’t spend forever fighting herself about it. She moved her hand until it was hovering just over the metallic golden fur. Rayia let it tickle her palm before she touched the top of the beast’s head. “Sorry.” Rayia wrapped her arms around the beast’s head until she nestled it into a hug. Tears, stinging and acrid, trickled from Rayia’s eyes to be dashed against thick fur. “It’s all I can say. I’m so sorry.” A low, mournful yowl erupted from the beast in response. Chains clinked as it shifted under the restraints, letting them fall further off its shoulders. It pulled Rayia even closer, wrapping its massive paws around her.