Codex Denied Veldorians

[Viridian]

OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION

• Intent: Create the species of my newest character.
• Image Credit: Here and Here
• Canon: N/A
• Permissions: N/A
• Links: https://www.starwarsrp.net/threads/narrikians.65585/

GENERAL INFORMATION

• Name: Veldorians
• Designation: Sentient
• Origins: Made in a lab.
• Average Lifespan: Billions of Years
• Estimated Population: Scattered (150)
• Description:
  
  With the presence of the Gulag Plague in the distant past, and numerous other bio weapons, Narrikians in the past decided they would make something so terrifying, so horrible that the galaxy would beg them not to release it upon them. The result of their efforts was a project known as the "V" a weapon that would be able to mop the floor with most of their enemies, a terrible weapon that they had created. Through the use of their own techniques in both the Light Side, and Dark Sides of the Force as well as science, the Narrikians were able to create the Veldorians. These were made based off of plants, as well as human DNA and numerous other types of DNA in order to create what amounted to their ultimate creation, the Veldorians.
  
  They chose a planet to settle the Veldorians on so they could monitor the growth of their creation and see what would happen. Unfortunately the Bryn'adul came and wiped out most of them recently. The modern generation of Narrikians had completely forgotten about the experiment. Only about 150 of the Veldorians managed to escape from the planet, and avoid getting murdered.

PHYSICAL INFORMATION

• Breathes: Type 1
• Average Height of Adults: Varies due to shapeshifting. 5"5-7"7
• Average Length of Adults: Varies due to shapeshifting. 185-300 Lbs.
• Skin color: Varies, depending on their shapeshifting. Gray and Purple.
• Hair color: Varies, depending on their shapeshifting. N/A Normally.
• Distinctions: On their skin, always visible are two sets of markings. For the Purples, it appears to be circuitry in the shape of a sun. For the gray, circuitry in the shape of a moon. This is always on them no matter what form they assume. Compared to ordinary organics, they have 6 eyes.
• Races:
  Purple and Gray: Gray have an inherent connection to the Darkside of the Force, and an easier time using it. They primarily eat meat, and prefer hunting and aggression. The more cruel Force Powers come naturally to them.
  
  Purple have an easier time with the more subtle, and also the benevolent Force Powers. Most of them eat a more balanced diet, but prefer vegetables, fish, and rice.
  
  Gold: Physically frail, the golds possess an easier time mastering telekinesis, telepathy, and similar Force Powers.
  
  
  
• Force Sensitivity: All

Strengths:

Mastery of Organic Technology: They have a deep connection to, and understanding of Organic Technology. In short, they've mastered the use and creation of organic technology.

Enhanced Condition: The Veldorians possess a natural enhanced condition that lets them punch through walls, and even lift very heavy objects (Up to tank weight) and hurl them around as if they were tennis balls.

Energy Projection: The Veldorians can project a bronze colored energy. This can be used as constructs or blasts. This is powerful enough to create a fairly large dent in a Walker.





Weaknesses:

Metals: Most metals of the known universe are poisonous to the Veldorians. It is why they rely on organic technology because their physiology prevents them from using normal metals.

Sensitive Minds: Force Powers that affect the minds would be an effective way to cripple the Veldorians - and nearly kill them.

Sensitivity to Pain: Their bodies are highly sensitive to pain - to put it mildly.

Sonics: Sonic Vibrations (Sonic Grenades, Vibro Blades, and the like) would do a lot of damage to the Veldorians.

Sensitivity to Death: Be it their own kind, or others, when people die the Veldorians can feel it, and it isn't pleasant.

Synthetic Fabric Allergy: They are allergic to synthetic fabrics. Like their metal allergy, it's toxic to the Veldorians.

Alcohol / Sugar Allergy: Alcohol / Sugar is toxic to the Veldorians in most forms.

Holds a Grudge: Most Veldorians hold a grudge against their enemies, the Bryn'adul, and also their creators the Narrikians. It's not really healthy.

Temper Temper: While most would never admit it, they have quite the temper on them.

Over Reliance: They tend to over rely on their organic technology, and their abilities.


Mixed Bag:

The Link: The Link is an inherent connection the Veldorians have with one another via the Force. It is sort of a space in their minds they can all go to communicate with one another. While it is a strength of theirs, it is also a weakness. For when one of them dies, pain shoots through the link. The same is also true if one of them gets hurt. The link does allow them to transfer information to one another, though as well as the collective life experiences.




CULTURE

• Diet:
  The gray eat Fish, Vegetables, and Rice.
  The purple eat meat, and lots of it as well as vegetables and bread. The gold only eat seafood, and aquatic vegetables.

• Communication: Telepathy
• Technology level: They use organic technology equivalent to that of the known universe. Really their technology is more of bio-tech than anything else, like them.
• Religion/Beliefs: N/A
• General behavior:
  Given there are so few of them left, they all act as a family unit and care for one another. They choose the mate they love. Every member of the species does their best to ensure others survive. They aren't sure how they should treat members outside their species because they were made as a weapon, a tool to be used against the Bryn'adul. They do not attend school but train each other as families or through private tutors. Half of them are nocturnal while the other half are diurnal. They love to hunt, build, explore, and invent. They try to treat any planet they are on properly and avoid polluting or ruining the planet. They have a thing against causing bloodshed when it's avoidable. They do not believe in the use of metal weaponry because of their allergy to such.

HISTORICAL INFORMATION

The Veldorians were made in a lab by the Narrikians (which I own) as an attempt to create a race of super weapons they could unleash upon the galaxy to terrify them out of releasing any and all forms of bio weapons whatsoever. Created at the start of the Narrikian Culture, the Veldorian Project was scrapped. The planet that they were housed on was found by the Bryn'adul. It was a blood bath as the species was not prepared for the carnage their enemies unleashed upon them. A mere 100 Veldorians managed to escape into the distant galaxy away from the planet. The slaughter of their loved ones made them decide that they needed to advance their technical knowhow so they could face the Bryn'adul.

The ones that survived vowed vengeance on the Bryn'adul and also on their Narrikian Creators. With this oath in mind, they started to develop their own bio-tech to fight against the Bryn'adul and weapons of their own that were living beings.

One of them set out on a journey to invent weapons that could face the Bryn'adul, and all the species like them.

 

[Viridian]

John Locke Ready for Live Judging.

 

[Andromeda Malvern]

Hi Viridian! I’ll be reviewing your sub today.

I just have a few comments and then we can get to approving this awesome species.

• Firstly, and the biggest thing that needs to be changed. Its been pointed out that these are extremely similiar to the Martians from DC comics. As per the rule, which I've quoted below, crossovers in roleplay are not allowed. I would suggest changing the images you've used as they're a little too on the nose for what you're trying to make. I would also suggest adding some different distinctions in your Races section as the green and white is also extremely similar to the DC comics.

No cross overs. All submissions need to conform to the general idea of Star Wars. No Gundams, no Transformers, no Pokemon etc.

I've added some extra comments about the general overview of your sub so you can make those changes alongside this one. Please don't forget to link your new images in the Image Credits section.

• Origins: I would love to see a little more detail here. The Veldorians are a really interesting species and I can see in your history that you’ve written a little about the species that created them, and you’ve mentioned they were housed on a planet. I’m sure readers would love to have some more insight to this creation in regard to this. Is there a planet you had in mind for this that you could link? Or perhaps the name of one you’ve invented yourself?
• Average Height, Length, Skin and Hair Colour: When Veldorian’s aren’t shape shifting do they have a standard form that could be described here? I’m happy for you to keep what you’ve already written alongside some details that could describe Veldorians whilst they’re in their natural form. I can see you’ve already put a little of this in your distinctions and races sections so adding extra clarification here is just to provide a more in depth description for readers who may come across the Veldorians in character.
• Weaknesses: You have some really great and unique strengths and weaknesses here and what I’m going to say is more of a suggestion than anything. Your "When One Dies, All Can Feel" weakness that I've quoted below. How exactly is this a weakness? In what way do the Veldorians feel the death of their own? Is it a painful experience? Is it debilitating in any form? When another player is writing with the Veldorians, can they use this to their advantage in a combat situation?

When one dies, all can feel: When a Veldorian is terminated, all of them know and can feel it. This is due to a telepathic link that they all possess.

When these changes have been made, I’ll be happy to pass this up for approval. I think the Veldorians are a really interesting and unique species. The shapeshifting aspect is a really cool feature, as a fan of Shi’idos I’m always down for more shapeshifters on the board!

 

[Viridian]

Andromeda Malvern But for the fact finding green and white alien pictures that are not usedin Star Wars is next to impossible I would happily use different pictures. However I am picture hunting as we speak.

The pictures have been changed, and I've made improvements.

 

[Andromeda Malvern]

Hello Viridian, thank you for making those changes. Just a few more things and we should be good to go.

• Crossover | This species still reads far too much like the Martians. The pictures are a good start but I'd suggest working on some new strengths to really differentiate between the two. It's up to you what you choose to write but I need to see an obvious difference between the Veldorian and the Martians from DC comics. My primary concern here is the strengths in particular as the wiki on the martians, both green and white, read strikingly similar to the Veldorians. Including their shapeshifting abilities, the telepathy, heat vision and hightened senses. I would also suggest adding more of a wider range of skin tones for the Veldorian instead of just standard green and white.
  
  If you're still struggling to come up with some differences, I would suggest reading up on the Martians themselves (I've linked the wiki here for the green skinned ones and here for the white skinned) so you can see where they're similar and make the required changes
  
  
• Image Credit | Neither of the links you've provided have sent me to a page where I can find the images you've used. For future reference, pinterest is one of those funny links where it's not really accepted unless we've run out of all other sources. When you've found a picture using pinterest, if you click on the image itself it usually takes you to the source page. Or at least a page that may help you find the source. For ease, I've linked the correct sources for your images here for the green and here for the white. The only link I can find for the white version of the Veldorians is a tineye link leading to an article, but the image itself has a clear artist at the bottom. This should be fine to use as long as you credit the artist himself and use the link I've provided you. Please update your image credit with these links!

 

[Viridian]

Andromeda Malvern
I have changed the pictures (again) and tried my best to change the abilities. I've also made some adjustments to the Telepathy and other abilities. Hopefully this is enough. If not, I'm willing to take suggestions.

 

[Andromeda Malvern]

Hey Viridian. We're almost there! Just a few more things I think.

• Eye Lasers | The white/green Martians from DC comics have a similar ability called heat vision, so lets try and differentiate here by adding something extra that the Martians don’t possess. Maybe they project a blast of cold instead of heat? Maybe they can fluctuate between the two depending on the weather conditions? Maybe they emit something else entirely? Radiation? Poison? Changing up what the eyes produce instead of having standard eye lasers would be enough of a difference to me to distinguish the Veldorians.
• Shapeshifting | This could really do with some extra definition. Shapeshifting is a standard ability in a lot of species but seeing as your sub resembles the Martians closely little changes here and there can make a big difference. What I would love to see here, and what I believe will make a big difference, is the addition of more weaknesses regarding their shapeshifting. I can see you've already done a few but these can be stuck together as one big weakness and defined a little further.
  • Weaknesses | As an example, shi’ido are only able to hold their form for a certain amount of time before being forced to shift back to their original state. The Veldorians could lose their telepathic communication abilities when they shift. Their shapeshifting could be a product of the force and therefore, could be hindered by the use of Ysalamiri or any other object that stops or inhibits force use. Do they struggle to shift in certain climates? Try and come up with something that can be used in a writer vs writer situation.
  • Strengths | In addition to this, you could add some further detail to the strengths section. I would explain whether this ability is a natural trait or whether they are taught to do it by parents/guardians/older Veldorians. I think additional strengths added would also balance out the huge list of weaknesses we’re left with now that you’ve removed the crossover ones. The new pictures you’re using look to me as though they could do with some night vision! Or maybe they lack a bone structure due to their shapeshifting abilities and they’re super flexible in any form as a result? Maybe they have a second stomach that can degrade and dispose of any poisons that enter their system, effectively making them immune to most toxins? With the Bryn as their primary target in mind, perhaps they could have a natural instinct for detecting dark forces at large in the galaxy?

I hope this makes better sense, giive me a tag when you're ready and we should be good to go!

 

[Viridian]

Andromeda Malvern Do the edits I made work?

 

[Andromeda Malvern]

Hi Viridian, the changes you've made are super good so far. I'm going to go ahead and suggest we move this back to pre-codex where we can continue to work on it together, if that's okay with you?

 

[Viridian]

Sure Andromeda Malvern

 

[Viridian]

Ylla Caeli'runa Can I have this moved to Live Judging?

 

[Ylla Caeli'runa]

Viridian - Submission moved to live judging per OP's request.

 

[Kalic Daws]

Viridian

Sorry for the wait. The one issue is the link for your first image isn't showing any pictures. I'd suggest finding another link, or similar image. As for the second image, it's straight from this Wookiepedia article.

 

[Viridian]

Kalic Daws Hopefully that is better.

Adding an edit to their Energy Projection, namely they can do eye lasers as well.

 

[Mig Gred]

Viridian

Ok. So everything looks good except that first pic. The link given does not include the image itself. While this would be ok for an image from a movie or TV show (Though IMDb or similar would be better) for something like art, it's preferred to have a more direct link, and to have the image in the link. That being said, all I could find were Pinterest links that directed back to the Wiki, so I'm going to just suggest using this link.

 

[Viridian]

Mig Gred Fixed.

 

[Kalic Daws]

Viridian

Sorry for forgetting to swap accounts. Approved.

 

[Srina Talon]

Average Lifespan: Billions of Years

• As per standard Chaos Rules, no one may be Immortal- either explicitly or implicitly stated.

This submission has been archived because the lifespan quoted is unacceptable and too close to breaching our rules on immortality. We would give the OP the chance to make the number more reasonable but the account is no longer attached to an active SWRP Account. If the OP is interested in reviving this submission they may do so via the Codex 2nd Chance Thread.