Private We Need to Talk...

[Aadihr Lidos]

LAZERIAN IV

Outfit: Clothes, Earring, Bangle
Weapons: Walking stick / Lightsaber Pike

Well, that was an unmitigated disaster.
The 'lesson' with two vomiting, a severed arm played with in view of the owner, and bedpans duty as Aadihr was still recovering his strength from over-healing.

But something else was on his mind as the class dispersed. Aadihr ran after Azurine Varek as she made for her ship, scooping up Sugar's oblivious, gelatinous form in the process.

Things have been difficult lately, certainly, but something changed between them. The warmth that she had shared with him before had gone cold, she avoided him at every turn. Aadihr needed closure, at the very least. To know what happened, to see if he could help. Azzie was his friend... His best friend.

"Hey!" Aadihr called out, jogging with a green slime wobbling in both arms as he chased the Zabrak walking to her ship. "Hold up a second, please?!"

Aadihr slowed his pace, set down Sugar, and leaned over, hands on his knees to catch his breath.

"Azzie, please - " Aadihr puffed, "We need to talk..."

Azurine Varek​

 

[Azurine Varek]

Destruction's Lament

Outfit: Clothing/Armor | Glove | Right Arm | Talisman
Weapons: Lightsaber 1 | Lightsaber 2 | Hook Swords

It could have gone better. A lot of things could have been different, but Azzie had to remind herself that hindsight is always twenty-twenty. She still felt a bit bad for having gone off on Roman for his behavior, but at the same time, she had absolutely no patience left to deal with it. In any other situation, it might have even been hilarious to her.

She gritted her teeth and spun around to kick at the nearest bush as hard as she possibly could without injuring herself now that she was alone, hearing an audible snap of a couple of thick branches snapping under the force of it. Her hands ran through her inky black hair, stopping to pull at it a little bit, then turning to press her forehead against part of the Sun Chaser's cool metal entranceway. She sure was making a mess out of everything.

And the main thing Azzie had really learned from this was that she was unable to heal the way that others could. The most she could manage to do on that front was minor wounds or minor concussions.

Why can I create destruction so easily, but I can't do this one karking thing to aid?

Bang.

She slammed her head against the frame in frustration.

Why does everything always fall apart around me?

Bang.

She could pretend all she wanted, throw up walls of sarcasm and sharp words, but she knew she couldn’t scrub away the ruin she carried in her wake.

You're a destroyer. A wrecking ball in the lives of everyone around you. They will die, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

Bang!

Azzie clenched her eyes shut against the pain. Quickly, she moved to head inside, but before she could, she heard a familiar voice behind her. She turned just in time to see Aadihr, who had never fully recovered from earlier, now even more exhausted.

"What the hell? What part of sit the fark down and rest do you not understand?!" She found herself snapping before she could stop it. Here he was, still not taking enough time to recuperate, and there was nothing she could do to fix it if he just dropped. Her mind slipped to images from Ord Providence, and she shook her head to keep them away.

Aadihr Lidos​

 

[Aadihr Lidos]

Outfit: Clothes, Earring, Bangle
Weapons: Walking stick / Lightsaber Pike

"What the hell? What part of sit the fark down and rest do you not understand?!"

"I couldn't... Didn't want... You to take off before I could... Speak to you," Aadihr panted.

Sugar rushed forward, spotting a new person and thus, probably more trash treats? The sludgespawn hugged the Zabrak's ankle and lifted its dopey smile up, begging like a housecat for food.

"I didn't know when I would see you again" Aadihr said, stepping closer, anxious as if she would run off mid conversation, "and I'm not happy with how I left things - with you, specifically."

Aadihr reached for her cybernetic hand, "I can see how my presence hurts your aura, but I need to know - are you okay? Was... Was it something I said?"

Aadihr suddenly felt stupid, having asked a stupid question, second guessing his own intent. All he knew is he didn't want Azzie to take off on that ship and never speak to him again, but now that he has her ear, that was the best he could come up with?

"I'm tired of guessing and assuming and just... just tell me what happened between us, and I'll stop bothering you. I promise" his chest ached, the promise was the opposite of everything his heart desired.

Azurine Varek​

 

[Azurine Varek]

Destruction's Lament

Outfit: Clothing/Armor | Glove | Right Arm | Talisman
Weapons: Lightsaber 1 | Lightsaber 2 | Hook Swords

Azzie's jaw clenched, and the sight of Aadihr standing there—breathless, desperate—only made it worse. He had gone against needing rest just to get to her? What the hell was he thinking? After everything, after what she had done to him, he had the nerve to chase her down like this? Her hands curled into fists, but she wasn’t sure who she was angrier at—Aadihr for coming after her or herself for the way her heart lurched at the fact that he had.

She couldn’t even move into the solitude of her ship, the slime... creature... thing... having basically attached itself to her ankle. Her eyes met its goofy, expectant grin. "What even are you?" She muttered more to herself, trying to figure out what it expected from her.

Azzie's eyes were drawn back to him when he spoke, an even bigger guilt hammering into her soul to add yet another nail to the coffin. That guilt, that pain, all of it swirling together into her whirlwind of frustration.

Before he could touch her hand, she immediately yanked it back. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw it, felt it. She had nearly killed him, nearly burned him alive. The thought twisted her gut, made her sick to her core. The look on his face as the fire had caught, the helplessness. It didn’t matter that she hadn’t meant to. All that mattered was the pain inflicted. What kind of leader, what kind of friend, could let something like that happen? First the burn from The Red, then that.

You're not strong enough. Again and again, you will lose. Burned away like ashes.

Azzie squeezed her eyes shut, trying to will the memory away, but it only returned with more clarity, more force.

"It's not about you! It never was!" She finally snapped, the purple storm clouds of pain in her eyes being fully unleashed. She quickly pulled her arms in, hugging them against her chest. Maybe in a way it was, but not how he seemed to think. "I'm the problem here—I always have been! My whole kriffing life I've been watching the people that get close die because of me! And like a lunatic, I keep thinking that next time will be different..."

Azzie didn't realize she had taken a step back, her hands trembling, clutching at her clothing. "I can't... I... It's my fault. You shouldn’t be here, Aadihr." She wasn’t sure if she meant because it’s dangerous—or because she didn’t deserve it. Likely both.

Aadihr Lidos​

 

[Aadihr Lidos]

Outfit: Clothes, Earring, Bangle
Weapons: Walking stick / Lightsaber Pike

"It's not about you! It never was!"

Aadihr froze, but he couldn't just accept that. "Then why do you walk away or shrug me off every time I try to talk to you!?"
Aadihr's voice was shakier than he had cared for - he meant for it to be just an honest question.

"I'm the problem here—I always have been! My whole farking life I've been watching the people that get close die because of me! And like a lunatic, I keep thinking that next time will be different...""I can't... I... It's my fault. You shouldn’t be here, Aadihr."

"I am not some flower that needs protecting! Even if I was, if not for you I would be dead; I'd be decorating the floors of Eiattu, or Terlathi prime or, hell, maybe I would've walked out of the temple on Dantooine and wandered off to die alone as a hermit!"

Aadihr stepped closer, persistant and frustrated at Azzie's words.
"My wounds are not your fault. Every time I choose to fight, I do so knowing death or disability is a very real possibility - one I choose to risk to protect those I love, not for sport or for entertainment."

Aadihr tore off the knot off his arm wrapping, exposing the slowly-spread sith-cursed burn, an unhealing wound that danced up his arm like licks of flame. A memory of the corpse king from Iridonia.

"I chose this the moment I stepped foot on the shuttle to fight alongside you. I chose to protect you and cover our retreat. I chose this wound, not you!" The burn glowed slightly as Aadihr's emotions swelled, the familiar pain searing through.

"I'll decide where I damn well should and shouldn't be, you don't get to, just, shut everyone out because they are mortal!"

Aadihr didn't intend to get this heated in his response but his blood was running hot. How could she blame herself for any of this. The thought of it almost infuriated Aadihr, that she would think herself so innately dangerous that she posed a threat to everyone around her.

She was his friend, and he wasn't about to let anyone speak about his friends like that - even herself.

Aadihr faltered, however, as the swirls of self doubt, vulnerability, and lingering pain swirled in her aura, impossible to ignore this close.

When did he get this close?

His arm felt like it was on fire again, but Azzie's presence was the only thing he could focus on, could feel.

Azurine Varek​

 

[Azurine Varek]

Destruction's Lament

Outfit: Clothing/Armor | Glove | Right Arm | Talisman
Weapons: Lightsaber 1 | Lightsaber 2 | Hook Swords

Azzie felt the heat radiating from Aadihr’s cursed wound, exposed and out in the open, a stark contrast to the cold hollowness clawing at her own insides. He had stepped closer, too close, his presence searing through her defenses like the wound burned through his skin. She could hear the raw, unwavering conviction in his voice and see it in his aura—he meant every word.

"You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t know you’d throw yourself into the line of fire?!" She exhaled sharply, shaking her head. "You keep saying it’s not my fault like that changes anything! I can't keep watching people die for me again and again like some vicious black hole loop!"

Azzie's throat felt tight, like she was choking on the weight of everything unspoken. He had a way of doing this, peeling her open with nothing but his sincerity, his determination. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that he could just stand there, unflinching, while she unraveled.

A moment of silence hung between them, heavy and suffocating. Sugar made a gurgling noise, still clinging to her ankle, seemingly oblivious to the storm raging above it. Its head butting her leg in a way that felt almost too casual for the chaos unfolding.

Azzie exhaled slowly, forcing herself to look at him once again. He was still standing there, still here, despite everything. His face was etched with frustration, but there was something else, too—something that made her stomach twist uncomfortably. Her hands had been wrapped in fire that burst out like a light, her mind distant as she watched the flames lash out at him. Watched the raw, blistering agony written into his skin because she had failed to stop herself.

What if she’d done something that couldn't have been fixed? What if she’d taken everything?

Azzie’s chest tightened, the weight of her own thoughts suffocating her. Her hands curled into fists, the tremors still running through her, gnawing at her resolve.

"If that wasn't enough, you act like you forgot that I nearly killed you, Aadihr! I nearly burned you alive. Alive." The last word came out in a near growl, and she could feel the sting of her own guilt as it spilled from her mouth. "You should be furious with me, scared of me,” she said quietly at first, then her voice raised. “You should hate me for what happened! But you don’t—” She wavered, and she hated it, hated how exposed she felt. “And I don’t know what to do with that, okay?!”

Aadihr Lidos​

 

[Aadihr Lidos]

Outfit: Clothes, Earring, Bangle
Weapons: Walking stick / Lightsaber Pike

You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t know you’d throw yourself into the line of fire?!" She exhaled sharply, shaking her head. "You keep saying it’s not my fault like that changes anything! I can't keep watching people die for me again and again like some vicious black hole loop!"

"Then don't put yourself in harm's way with such reckless abandon-"

"If that wasn't enough, you act like you forgot that I nearly killed you, Aadihr! I nearly burned you alive. Alive."

" You were possessed-"

“You should hate me for what happened! But you don’t—”

"You don't get to decide how I feel!" Aadihr finally erupted, drawing a few glances from others in the distance.

"Like it or not, you have people who care about you, and to put them through such pain and worry when you yourself know how it feels is so, so..." Aadihr balled his fists
"Selfish!"

“And I don’t know what to do with that, okay?!”

Aadihr softened. He had let his emotions get the better of him. He did care. It was because he cares that he was so emotional about it.

"Please," Aadihr said in a much more gentle, pleading tone, "let me help you, like you have helped me. I want to, I choose to, not because out of fear but because..."

Because I love you - but I'm too afraid to say so.

Aadihr's voice caught in his throat and he sighed. He wished it were so easy. Why couldn't he just say it.

Azurine Varek​

 

[Azurine Varek]

Destruction's Lament

Outfit: Clothing/Armor | Glove | Right Arm | Talisman
Weapons: Lightsaber 1 | Lightsaber 2 | Hook Swords

Azzie’s breath came in short, uneven bursts, each one fueling the firestorm raging inside her chest. Her pulse pounded in her ears, drowning out the background noise of the world beyond them. All she could see was Aadihr—standing there, solid, unrelenting. She wasn’t sure whether to laugh or scream. Her fists clenched, nails digging into her palms, but it wasn’t enough. Nothing ever was. The frustration was the only thing keeping her from crumbling into a heap.

"I didn’t ask for this! I didn’t ask for any of it!" Her words felt heavy, like stones lodged in her chest. "I don’t get to decide how you feel? Well, news flash, Aadihr—neither do you!" Her hands itched at her sides, the fight in her eyes flaring like a wildfire.

"—So selfish!"

"I'm selfish?! Why don't you take a good long look at yourself before you go throwing that around!" Azzie screamed, her face bright red and hands trembling. "But fine. You want to call me selfish, then FINE! I'm too farking weak to be able to handle it again... like with him... I can't do it! Are you happy now?!"

She turned away sharply, chest heaving, trying to force air into lungs that felt too small for the storm inside her. She wanted to run, to escape the unbearable weight pressing down on her, but her feet stayed rooted to the ground. At least for a moment. She tried to find the words to speak, anything, but her mind was completely blank. Devoid of anything but the raging emotions she couldn't untangle.

Aadihr Lidos​

 

[Aadihr Lidos]

Outfit: Clothes, Earring, Bangle
Weapons: Walking stick / Lightsaber Pike

"I didn’t ask for this! I didn’t ask for any of it!" Her words felt heavy, like stones lodged in her chest. "I don’t get to decide how you feel? Well, news flash, Aadihr—neither do you!""I'm selfish?! Why don't you take a good long look at yourself before you go throwing that around!" Azzie screamed, her face bright red and hands trembling. "But fine. You want to call me selfish, then FINE! I'm too farking weak to be able to handle it again... like with him... I can't do it! Are you happy now?!"

"Or course not." Aadihr said. "But what option do you have? Just run off and live insolation, too scared to get close to anyone? How do you think that ends?"

Aadihr softened his tone, watching the jiggling sludgespawn try to cheer up the Zabrak (for treats).

"Everybody dies at some point, and a life in perpetual fear of connection isn't much of a life at all." Aadihr spoke to Azzie though felt the words strongly resonate with himself. "If you cut yourself off from the rest of the galaxy, what is the difference between living and dying anyway? Just than the beating of your empty heart?"

Aadihr sighed, defeated. Azzie turned her back - She was right. It wasn't Aadihr's place to decide how she feels.

If isolation is was truly what she truly wants, Aadihr was in no position to argue. He just... Wasn't convinced it truly was what she wanted - letting fear guide her life.

At least he tried. At least he knew why she avoided him, and he could understand.

Azurine Varek​

 

[Aadihr Lidos]

---

 

[Azurine Varek]

Destruction's Lament

Outfit: Clothing/Armor | Glove | Right Arm | Talisman
Weapons: Lightsaber 1 | Lightsaber 2 | Hook Swords

Azzie stood there, her back to Aadihr, arms wrapped tightly around herself as if she could physically hold herself together. His words echoed in her head, bouncing off the walls of her mind like stray blaster bolts. "If you cut yourself off from the rest of the galaxy, what is the difference between living and dying anyway?"

She wanted to argue, to snap back with some biting retort, but no words came. Because he wasn’t wrong. He wasn’t right either, but—Stars, does it even matter?

The sludgespawn gurgled, shifting closer, its gelatinous body wobbling with effort as it tried to cheer her up. It nudged against her boot, making a hopeful little noise. Azzie stared down at it, watching the way it jiggled in place, completely unaware of the weight pressing down on her chest. What was it about this strange little thing that made her feel momentarily distracted from the gnawing pit in her gut? It was so absurd, so out of place, that she found herself chuckling bitterly. "What are you even looking at?" she muttered.

It just wanted treats. It just wanted to make her happy. It didn’t know that she didn’t have anything left to give.

Her breath hitched.

It wasn’t fair. Not to Aadihr, not to anyone who had the misfortune of caring about her. She was too much—too passionate, too intense, too chaotic. But what was she supposed to do? Pretend she wasn’t terrified? Pretend she wasn’t exhausted from the constant cycle of failing and losing and hurting?

Her knees threatened to give out, but she crouched instead, pressing a hand against the sludgespawn’s surface. It wobbled excitedly under her touch, eventually crawling into her lap. She had the absurd urge to apologize to it. For what? She didn’t even know. For not being better? For not knowing how to accept what it was offering?

Aadihr had stopped talking, but his beautiful aura still loomed behind her, heavy with unspoken words. He didn’t understand. Or maybe he did, and she didn't know which was worse.

She should do something. She should say something.

Azzie let out a shaking breath—the tears she hadn't realized she'd been holding back began to spill, hot and fast, without her permission. She found herself pulling Sugar to her chest, who wriggled happily, unaware of the way her shoulders trembled, of how her breathing faltered as she buried her face into its soft, gelatinous form. She hadn’t meant to cry—not here, not like this—but it came anyway, silent at first, then breaking into quiet, shuddering sobs she still tried so desperately to wrangle in.

Aadihr Lidos​

 

[Aadihr Lidos]

PURPLE

Outfit: Clothes, Earring, Bangle
Weapons: Walking stick / Lightsaber Pike

"What are you even looking at?"

Aadihr smiled despite himself. Sugar, simplistic as they were, was a good judge of character. As Azzie knelt down and hugged the sludgespawn (who was happily absorbing the tears) something hard in Aadihr's heart melted.

Something he had showed up over years - seeing another's aura with such raw, pure emotion let he himself feel safe enough to open up as well.

Aadihr turned back to Azzie, stepping closer and sitting in the dirt before her as she cried into the squishy garbophage.

Aadihr didn't want to intrude on Azzie's emotions, but he also wanted to express that he cared, wanted to help, and forced himself past his internal barriers of self doubt and insecurity.

He put a hand on Azzie's knee and... He leaned forward and—if she allowed it— pressed his forehead to hers, allowing himself to feel psychometrically the memories of the last few weeks, the emotions Azzie held back. To try to understand her better, to be there for her instead of another burden for her. His sinuses tickled from vicarious emotion.

"Their name is Sugar," Aadihr said softly. The sludgespawn was simply happy to be receiving cuddles from both sides, it let out a constant bubbling purr.

"I want to help. No matter what happens, if you want me around, I'll be here for you
If you'll allow it, I'll keep coming back to your side — because that's where I want to be. I..." Aadihr hesitated, "I care about you."

Azurine Varek​

 

[Azurine Varek]

Destruction's Lament

Outfit: Clothing/Armor | Glove | Right Arm | Talisman
Companion: Cinnamon
Weapons: Lightsaber 1 | Lightsaber 2 | Hook Swords

Azzie didn’t hear him approach—hadn't been paying attention to his presence until his hand was on her knee. The feeling of that soft press of his palm against her knee, the weight of it grounding her in a way she hadn’t expected. She let out a shuddering breath as Aadihr leaned in, his forehead pressing against hers. The sensation of his presence brushing against her thoughts was like a ripple through still water, soft but inescapable. Though she flinched for a moment in shock, she didn’t pull away. He was like a gentle wave, not overwhelming, just there—warm and steady.

There was an unspoken connection there, something tangible but delicate, like the fragile threads of a spider’s web. She felt his emotions flood her—his uncertainty, his sincerity, his desire to understand, to offer her something she didn’t know how to ask for. And it wasn't just the dancing patterns of his aura giving that away, which sent a shock through her.

Memories flickered between them that she couldn’t stop, surfacing in flashes—pain like a blade slipping between her ribs, the weight of expectation pressing her into the dirt, the crushing guilt of not being enough. The constant, gnawing ache of loss, so familiar it had become a part of her. The fear, the nightmares at the fireside. Aadihr would feel it.

Azzie squeezed her eyes shut. "I—" She wanted to say something, anything, but her voice faltered, swallowed by the knot in her throat. Instead, she squeezed Sugar tighter, using the familiar creature as a shield against the swelling emotions inside her.

Sugar, oblivious to the human complexities of the moment, had nuzzled closer, its little purring sounds somehow soothing. Azzie let out a quiet, shaky laugh, her forehead still resting against his. “You’re an idiot,” she murmured, voice hoarse from unshed tears. But the words lacked any real bite. If anything, they carried the barest hint of gratitude. Of something deeper, something unspoken—because of course, she didn't know how to make things easy. Not for herself. Not for him.

Before Azzie could find anything to fill the aching silence between them that followed, a high-pitched squeal shattered the moment. A tiny blur of russet and cream fur came barreling down the ramp of the Sun Chaser, Cinnamon’s oversized ears flopping wildly as she tumbled forward in a frantic, squeaking gallop. The little racyon kit had clearly escaped her pen.

The tiny thing didn't hesitate as she made a beeline straight toward them, all squeaks and frantic paws. In an instant, the ball of velvety fur was attached to her shoulder and kneading her fingers through the padawan's hair. The big, adorable eyes found their way to the additions she hadn’t yet seen, and with a soft chirp, hid behind Azzie's head and within the rather short curtain of her hair.

Aadihr Lidos​

 

[Aadihr Lidos]

CINNAMON AND SUGAR

Outfit: Clothes, Earring, Bangle
Weapons: Walking stick / Lightsaber Pike

The Racyon's arrival disrupted the Unwanted Memories that Aadihr had been unknowingly sharing with Azurine. He was glad for the disruption.

"Well who's this little fella?"

Aadihr said as the tiny Racyon kit climbed atop Azzie's hair and snubbed against her horns, though his once it noticed Aadihr.

"Oh no I'm sorry little one, I didn't mean to startle you." Aadihr said, gently leaning back and offering a hand for the Racyon to sniff, backing away if it shied away further.

Sugar the sludgespawn, however, was less courteous and saw a playmate. Sugar immediately began ascending Azzie to try to chase the Racyon, bouncing at it to taunt it into chasing the slime, not understanding the kit's bashfulness.

"Sugar, down." Aadihr said firmly, but not harshly.

The sludgespawn's beady black eyes grew and trembles, and irs goofy smile turned to a pout.

"Down. don't scare the baby."

Defeated, Sugar let go of Azzie's shoulder and tumbled down like a half deflated ball to the ground.

"Sorry about that. I... Er... Azzie, meet Sugar?"

~Blomp~

Azurine Varek​

 

[Azurine Varek]

Destruction's Lament

Outfit: Clothing/Armor | Glove | Right Arm | Talisman
Companion: Cinnamon
Weapons: Lightsaber 1 | Lightsaber 2 | Hook Swords

Azzie couldn't seem to help the sadness and anger that rose through her chest even after Cinnamon had come to climb her like a curtain. She had no idea if Aadihr had meant to share those memories or if it had been her own mistake by not keeping the ability in check better, but her heart hurt from it. His own vulnerability stood stark against the image of the stoic, gentle knight he presented. To her, it wasn't a weakness but a testament to the strength it took to carry. No wonder he'd decided to walk away.

Master Luka Felcado... an absolute disgrace to treat any child like that, let alone one's own student. Azzie certainly didn't believe that was Jedi behavior, so much so that it was hard for her to believe, given everything she thought she knew about what they were supposed to embody. Cruelty like that is something that would sooner drive one into the dark. This needed to be taken to Valery Noble , if only to make sure that woman never put another young padawan in the same position ever again.

Her attention wasn't able to remain on that, however. The moment was fragile—eventually peaceful, even. But, of course, that was when Sugar, the sludgespawn, decided it was the perfect time to join in on the chaos. With a series of odd, squelchy noises, Sugar launched itself onto her shoulder, its bulbous eyes fixated on the Racyon. The sludgespawn's bouncy, erratic movements were less a greeting than a challenge.

The racyon kit's fur bristled as Sugar's goofy bounce rattled the air. Azzie's muscles tensed involuntarily, and she leaned slightly forward to try and shield the kit from the larger creature's exuberance while also trying to stifle a laugh. The thing was trying to climb her like a curtain, and it was practically impossible to get a grip on it to pull it down.

Cinnamon, no longer feeling under threat, blinked curiously at the sludgespawn, its tiny eyes watching the gelatinous creature with cautious interest. Her fingers twitched lightly, and before she could think twice, she reached up to carefully pet the kit's fur. Little claws dug at her scalp and her hair, chirps of protest resounding when she was grabbed and pulled from the hiding spot. "And here I thought you were getting to be more brave than this." She joked, allowing the kit to lean forward and cautiously sniff Aadihr's hand, until she finally—yet cautiously—crawled forward onto his arm with her head tilted as if in thought. "See? Nothing to worry about."

With her free hand, she gave Sugar a couple of head pats. "The baby has a name, and it's Cinnamon."

Aadihr Lidos​