What is Chaos to Me? Who Am I?

[Nikolas Faselli]

What is Chaos to me? Who am I?

Maybe some people think it’s just a RPing community… But I have come to understand a few things. I visit the forum every day, I almost never log out of here. But why is that so? I know some people, the ones who don’t understand me, may think I don’t have a life. They may think I am a noob, a nerd, a loner…

While I surf around this place, I notice dramas, fights, etc. Strangely, I don’t remember any dramas happening with me. I have been actively here for about five months, well, that’s not a very long time, considering, that it has been nearly a year since I made @[member="Equa Dominator"]. But back to the subject… I still don’t know why they don’t happen to me. Or maybe they do? Maybe I am not aware of me being a drama for everybody over here?

I know people over here who I have a quite friendly relationship with. Not that I’ve met them in real life, though. But the most interesting thing which I noticed only some time ago is, that… I don’t hate anybody. I don’t dislike anybody. I don’t know why is that so, but I have a few theories which I'm not going to reveal at the moment. I have noticed, that people treat certain people differently than others. It seems like the community has chosen the ones who they all have decided to hate. And I just sit here with a raised eyebrow. Why?

The way I talk… How do I talk? I don’t know. Really, I know nothing about myself. At least I knew nothing some time ago. This week has changed me much as a person. This month has changed me. Going through my old posts, I have noticed something. I don’t want to make anybody feel bad. I have thought, that I am kind of neutral everywhere, in every thread. Maybe I am? I don’t know. But I certainly know, that none of my posts was written to insult somebody, to make them feel bad, to ruin their opinions… And if there is anyone who has felt bad because of my texts, I am really, really sorry.

So what am I doing here? Why am I still in Chaos if the whole world needs to be discovered? I’m not saying, that real life doesn’t matter to me. It does, it is more important than Chaos or anything in the Internet. But… this community has provided me something. It is a safe heaven. It is the place, where I can be who I am. In real life, people expect too much from me, they don’t understand, that every person does mistakes. They think I should be a robot who succeeds in everything and who can do absolutely everything. Well, that’s because I have portrayed myself as a person who does not tolerate failures.

Maybe someone knows Lilith’s most important philosophy, the one which makes she feel like she is living, making her the person she is. Here is a quote from a text which pretty much describes Lilith:

“Everyone thinks I am not good enough to exist. They think only strong survive. But having emotions, weaknesses, love… is something that actually makes people strong. It doesn’t matter how powerful you are or how much influence you have in a certain area… Everything that matters is your strongest weakness, the one which makes you afraid, the one, which makes you exactly the person you are. Without it, everybody is a soul who has nothing to do in this galaxy.”

Well, that’s a personal thing, but I love this philosophy, I don’t know why. It may be wrong, it may be completely invalid, it may be a failure, but it’s exactly how I see life, how Lilith sees it. So everybody can make mistakes, everybody can be weak sometimes. I’m not saying, that I hate you and you are doing everything wrong in my opinion. They are - the real life.

Over here, I can be the person who I want to be, but not in a bad way. I am free to express my opinion without anyone knowing who I actually am. I am able to be myself, if I want to, without anybody knowing, what is the name of this person, where he comes from, what is he.

I can be a pregnant woman; I can be a polar bear; I can be a girl who seems weak, but is actually strong; I can be an emotional, empathic, friendly Senator; I can be a simple person who is afraid of the galaxy; I can be a monk who believes in Inner Peace; I can be a businessman who cares only about money; if I want to, I can be a normal person who just wants to be with a certain woman; I may be a fighter; I can be a spy; I can be two persons who act like one; I may be a person who has been bullied for his whole life. These were all of my characters described really briefly. But who says I can’t act OOCly like one of them? Maybe I am one of them?

Pfft… No, I’m a squirrel, I’m not one of these beings.

And finally, I have reached the culmination. I am here in Chaos because… people understand (or don’t, I don’t know) who I am, but not in the same way real life people do. They see an illusion of me, a person who I have made them see. Now I can probably never change the way they think about me. But you… I’m sure none of you knew who I am before I posted this thread, at least I think so. I have shown you an illusion of me… the illusion of a stupid, annoying being.

And for the second question: I am me. Here I am the person who I want to be. And I want to be me. I want to be a squirrel.

And now, for the ending, I must say, that after analyzing myself, I have come to understand, that I am stupid. Most of my posts are stupid. But not in the same way other people are. They are funny, but I am annoying and I am sorry because of that. Understanding that has made me feel uncomfortable and I will change now. It’s not because of others, it’s the final decision I have made towards becoming me. Maybe I will post something a bit more stupid again, but it won’t change my decision.

I don’t care if this thread doesn’t get any views, I don’t care if it gets archived, I don’t care if nobody wants to see it. I just had to write something down. Just to feel like I have finally said who I am. I may be over-dramatic, maybe I don’t understand anything and I definitely didn't write all the things I could've said because I forgot them or they were too painful and I didn't end every though I just revealed, but… at the end of this day, I am just a simple squirrel.

If anyone notices this one and, well, wants to say something about themselves, I am no one to say that you can't...

 

[Darth Carnifex]

I have come to understand, that I am stupid.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tN60yFjO-g[/youtube]

 

[Tannit]

I read most of this, can't claim to have read all of this as I skimmed sections, but I have to say thanks for sharing. Sharing can be cathartic for both the sharer and the erm ... sharee. Haha. But yeah, I like to see stuff like this. Psychological realisations and statements of intent, etc. However, I would suggest you don't just go changing like that. Change takes time, and it's often better when it's not forced. Some food for thought.

As for the drama and people ganging up on certain individuals here, I have to say you reap what you sow. Everyone has a reason for feeling a way about someone, and if the crowd mentality gets behind dragging someone down, sometimes they have earned it with their behaviour. Sometimes not. Let's just go with a case-by-case basis here.

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tN60yFjO-g[/youtube]

Likes-likes-likes-likes-likes.

 

[Talon Vosra]

But having emotions, weaknesses, love… is something that actually makes people strong. It doesn’t matter how powerful you are or how much influence you have in a certain area… Everything that matters is your strongest weakness, the one which makes you afraid, the one, which makes you exactly the person you are. Without it, everybody is a soul who has nothing to do in this galaxy.”

Power is boring to write and even worse to read with out weakness. Some of the best Characters and People for that matter have huge or many flaws and that's why we love them.

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

Power is boring to write and even worse to read with out weakness. Some of the best Characters and People for that matter have huge or many flaws and that's why we love them.

So you agree with the view?

 

[Talon Vosra]

@[member="Darth Malificete"]

I would say I do. If my tired mind is understanding it correctly. But then I'm a plant...

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

@[member="Darth Malificete"]

I would say I do. If my tired mind is understanding it correctly. But then I'm a plant...

Alright... *squirrel-plant high five?*

 

[Talon Vosra]

*high fives back*

I'm going to avoid a nut joke right now but I thought one so...yeah.

 

[Onrai]

There are few people currently on the staff team that I admittedly feel comfortable writing with. People like Spencer Jacobs, Alli Wren... Some of the most sociable people on this board. With no disrespect to them - and I consider them my friends, excellent RPers, and people I enjoy writing with - there is something about @[member="Darth Malificete"] that just makes me greatly appreciate her and her writer most of all.

A while back, I was in the dump. And by dump, I mean, well, no one really wanted to do anything with me. This wasn't a Circe thing - this was a cross-character thing to. Storylines were aborted, harassment occurred... Then I did a thread with Lilith. Circe started training her. It was then that I was asked by her writer about making a reference to an earlier meetup she had with Vitor Imperieuse, a character who I by this point had long since scrapped as useless and not getting anywhere. Because of that, and because of what we came up with, I have experienced one of my absolute favorite storylines on the board and have regained the muse for a character I had very little for to begin with. Erik has always been fun, friendly, flexible, and willing to write with me. For that, and for him giving me so much fun , I thank him. Greatly.

 

[Darth Vazela]

@[member="Circe Savan"]

I don't want to make this into a thread about Circe, and I'd like to thank Lilith for sharing her opinions, as I think Chaos is one of the nicest communities I have ever been in on the Internet, but Mark, buddy... I've tried with you pal. I mean, I've started entire threads with you, tried to introduce you into the stories that I write and it's like your attention was elsewhere. So I gave up in the end. If you're looking for roleplay, I'll always be willing to welcome you to the fold, but you've shot yourself in the foot a few times. For example, when I and @[member="Judas"] offered you the chance to be a big, leading member of the Order of Black Hand and two days later, you dropped us for Sith Lord, which only lasted a few days itself.

That's just my two cents mate. You'll always be a friend of Hagrid.

 

[Judas]

@[member="Circe Savan"]

I don't want to make this into a thread about Circe, and I'd like to thank Lilith for sharing her opinions, as I think Chaos is one of the nicest communities I have ever been in on the Internet, but Mark, buddy... I've tried with you pal. I mean, I've started entire threads with you, tried to introduce you into the stories that I write and it's like your attention was elsewhere. So I gave up in the end. If you're looking for roleplay, I'll always be willing to welcome you to the fold, but you've shot yourself in the foot a few times. For example, when I and @[member="Judas"] offered you the chance to be a big, leading member of the Order of Black Hand and two days later, you dropped us for Sith Lord, which only lasted a few days itself.

That's just my two cents mate. You'll always be a friend of Hagrid.

Aye, mate, @[member="Vilox Pazela"] is right about that particular time.

 

[Lief]

I love it when friends of mine reveal their philosophical side, @[member="Darth Malificete"] - I read each and every word you had to speak here, and I have to disagree with what you have said in some regard. By no means, at all, are you stupid, Erik. You write amazingly well, especially considering that English isn't even your first language, and the way you portray your characters - albeit I've only seen two of them, and only one on this site - is brilliant. It's easy to write a power-hungry megalomaniac to whom nothing is or will ever be wrong, who has no weaknesses and soldiers on through everything unscathed. But to write an individual like Lilith? Now that takes some skill, and personally I've put you in 'difficult situations' with this very character, from day one really, and you've responded brilliantly, you've never broken form or character. And thus I tip my hat to you.

Never think of yourself as less than you are. Never presuppose how others view you, because I'm 99% certain no one else on this board views you in the way you view yourself. Want to know why? Because I know how it is to pick up on your own 'flaws' and harbour them. They're easier for you to see because you know every conscious part of yourself - your mind is your own, it's not something anyone else can see. However, with that said, you don't project all you think and feel onto the world. So don't worry about how others view you in this regard, Erik - trust me, you're definitely not stupid. So keep your head high, and don't change too much about yourself - only that which you feel is a genuine vice should be changed, not your personality - not who you are. And never rush it. Never force it.

I feel like we ought to have some philosophical discussion now <____<;' Perhaps we should. Either way - no one here is judging you, nor do they have any right to do so <3

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

Never think of yourself as less than you are.

You're right, though it's really hard to think like that. Maybe I am too humble, thinking everybody else is more important... Maybe it's only because I am different: living in a different country, in a strange timezone, having my own strange opinions... I think I was raised to be quite humble or it's just an Estonian thing. We are often seen as cold-hearted, afraid to show feelings, afraid to think, that we are better than others or equal to them. But thank you for believing in me and I appreciate both your and everyone else's suggestions and opinions in this thread.

 

[Edward Vyperion]

Meh, considering I lose my muse so many times, I am amazed I still come here xD

Anyway, yer not stupid at all

 

[Verz Horak]

What I am surprised about is that people here put up with my terrible jokes. And @[member="Darth Malificete"] , remember when I almost killed Equa? Good times...

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

@[member="Verz Horak"]

Yeah, I remember that one. XD It was an awesome thread.

 

[Verz Horak]

It was awesome to write and to read. I was all "pew pew!" and you were all "lightsaber lightsaber"

@[member="Darth Malificete"]

 

[Nikolas Faselli]

@[member="Verz Horak"]

Yeah, but my character was clearly OP. Tutaminis, Force Shield? Really, not a single Padawan can perform these things. XD I have thought about why your character was so strong, but then I realized, that mine was really badly played.

 

[Verz Horak]

I just shot you in the ankle and chucked 'nades. A true Mandalorian, right there.