Private What Was Will Be Again

[Judah Lesan]

Wearing: xxx
Tag: Valery Noble

They were told to evacuate. It had been the same message from all those years ago. Judah heard his master’s voice like it had been yesterday. The attack had come from out of nowhere. The defenses of Coruscant had failed, or had been allowed to fail. The target had been a singular one.

The Jedi Temple.

So many masters died that day trying to save the young, to ensure the Jedi would have a future. Judah’s own had been among them. Odin Gannik had given his life to ensure Judah could escape with a crew of padawans and younglings. They were under his charge until they could reach Tython where a temporary temple would be established.

Judah stood on the observation deck overlooking Fondor. Once again the ship was full of the young as they made their way to relocate. It was not because of a direct attack this time, rather an impending one. Any fool could have seen the Jedi Temple would be a target, after all, the Dark Empire was full of Sith that would see the Jedi decimated no matter the cost.

They were savage and ruthless. There was no hiding behind a false mask of civility. All of them were monsters, bloodthirsty and cruel.

Anyone who knew Judah would sense his struggle. The Master had always walked on the edge of the line he refused to cross. He knew his dedication to the light side of the force, but he was not foolish enough to think it would not be tested. It had been on many occasions. His emotions were raw. If there were a time he ever thought about crossing that line, it was certainly now.

“Emotion; yet peace.”

Judah muttered the phrase under his breath many times, hoping that hearing the words would calm him.

“Passion; yet serenity.”

It did not.

His mind was overwhelmed by too many memories of loss. His master had been lost that day. Investigating the truth behind the attack had led to meeting Katara, his wife. She was now gone as well. The only other woman Judah would even dare admit that he loved was a close friend, and being Jedi meant they rarely saw each other.

Judah often felt alone, even though he was not. Being a shadow often meant Judah traveled on his own. The isolation spoke lies that were hard to ignore sometimes. Even on a ship full of people, some that he cared about and considered to be friends, he felt unseen, lonely.

A heavy sigh passed from his lips as he leaned his head against the transparasteel. Life was a cycle. This section of it was not one he had wanted to relive.

 

[Valery Noble]

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Lightsaber

"I thought I sensed you up here."

Valery slowly walked closer, hoping her sudden appearance wouldn't startle him. She knew that people often needed some time alone after difficult battles and losing people. She had been through it herself many times, from having lost friends and Padawans to even her husband. But to be drawn out of that misery spiral, one often needed a friend or family. Someone who could help see the light at the end of a dark tunnel.

She hadn't seen Judah in some time, but she knew him well enough to hopefully be a guiding hand. Even though she felt pain in her own heart after what happened.

After her friend's death.

"Are you alright?" she asked, as she joined him by his side.

Judah Lesan ​

 

[Judah Lesan]

Wearing: xxx
Tag: Valery Noble

Was Judah alright? Valery already knew the answer to that question. Despite the obvious, the shadow shook his head.

“You know how close this hits. The memories it brings up.”

Judah began to mutter the code under his breath again. It was not that the master was incapable of pulling himself out of the particular funk he found himself in. There were just times when it seemed the easier solution would be to give in to the negative feelings associated with them. The path to the dark side was an easy one for a shadow that lost his way.

Judah Lesan simply refused to lose his way.

He walked away from the view port, and consequently away from Valery. She was there to offer her support, but Judah was being stubborn. It was rare that the Jedi was anything but. It had been the one thing which led to the arguments he and Katara had. Judah often refused to see anything from a perspective that did not fit with his view of the galaxy. He was far too experienced, and had seen too many things to change his mind.

Judah scratched his beard. It had avoided showing gray for a time, but the signs of it were now beginning to catch up with his age. The Jedi was no longer the young knight he had been when the temple was devastated last.

A smile tugged at his lips. It was good to see a friendly face despite his insistence on being alone for a while. In a way they needed each other. It was not just the loss of the temple they were feeling.

“Romi?”

 

[Valery Noble]

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Lightsaber

"I know," Valery said softly, her eyes fixed on nothing particular, but something far off in the distance. This wasn't the first time they had talked in the aftermath of something terrible, and she knew of his past. Of bonds now lost and the intense emotions the memories could provoke. It is for that exact reason that she was here now, to either talk about it or offer quiet comfort.

Something she needed as well, considering who she had lost during the battle.

"Romi."

When Valery's focus returned, she couldn't stop a few tears from forming in her eyes. She did not want to cry and she wasn't going to let herself break down, but Romi's loss had been unexpected and far more painful than she could have ever imagined. It overshadowed any lingering pain she felt from the battle itself.

"I'm going to miss her," Valery said with a sigh, "And every battle that follows, I'm going to worry and wonder who I'll lose next."

Judah Lesan ​

 

[Judah Lesan]

Wearing: xxx
Tag: Valery Noble

That was the thing about loss. Jedi felt the same as anyone else. Judah could argue they felt it even more because of force bonds, but the point was the same. Jedi were not immune to the pain and hurt it caused. There was a reason the code ended by reminding them there is no death, only the force.

Even the great Valery Noble was not immune to feeling the effects of death. Romi had been a mutual friend, and the one Judah had entrusted to teach Jackson. Her death would ripple through the order in a way unlike any other had in some time. It was not that others were less important. Judah was simply hard pressed to think of any other Jedi who had as far a reach as she had.

Her life had touched so many others.

“We are at war again, Valery,” Judah said in a more serious tone.

Most of his life he had been accused of not being able to be serious. He certainly gave reasons for that assessment. Even Valery had slapped his face once because Judah maintained a rather egregious and obnoxious behavior in meetings. He sometimes let it go too far. Still, they were friends. This moment reflected the words of an old proverb Judah often lived by.

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

They were friends, first. In his own way the words were meant to be a comfort. That started with accepting reality.

“All of us have an expiration date, even me, and I have come too close to it far more times than you even know. You could say the same to me. I just hope that when my time comes the legacy I leave behind will shine as bright as hers.”

Reality and truth.

“Have you talked to your husband yet, does he know?”

 

[Valery Noble]

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Lightsaber

"When aren't we?" Valery asked rhetorically while her gaze slowly turned away from the horizon and to her friend. It was then, that she realized how hard it was to look at him. Once more, it confronted her with the reality that nothing would ever last forever. That each and every one of them would one day draw a final breath, and that their paths as Jedi meant it could happen almost any moment.

But her heart could not take even more loss. Not after losing Kahlil once, and now her dear friend Romi. She had a legacy that would shine forever, but it did little to ease Valery's pain now.

She would need time to move on.

"When your time comes, I'm sure yours will be as bright. But it's not your time yet, Judah," Valery said with some typical Noble stubborness. Even now, she just couldn't help it.

Then a pause.

"I... haven't talked to him yet, but he knows. He always does."

Judah Lesan ​

 

[Judah Lesan]

Wearing: xxx
Tag: Valery Noble

Valery’s retort was as simple as Judah’s observation had been. When were they not at war? If he wanted to be a smart ass, which was the usual default for the Jedi, he would have pointed out the few periods of peace. They were there. Children were born and raised to their teenage years without seeing it. However, the point remained, the galaxy was in a constant flux of war. If it was not the Galactic Alliance, it was the Sith Order, or the Empire of the Lost. Someone was always beating the drum of war.

“You’re right.”

Judah was not in the mood to argue his point. Valery understood what he meant regardless. They were at war, and war meant people would die. While neither of them wanted to think about losing other friends, they would. Being a Jedi meant the chances of a peaceful death where one drifted off to sleep and did not wake up were slim. Judah had made his peace with that.

A Jedi had to.

“Your words are kind, and the intention behind them is not lost on me. We both know most of my deeds are hidden in shadow, because I am a shadow. They will never see the light of day, because they are not meant to. Even when I am not wearing my mask, I am wearing a mask.”

Valery would know what he meant. Most only knew the boisterous, loud, sarcastic, and contrary, Judah Lesan. His death would likely be a relief to some. The Hero of Korriban was a moniker most had forgotten, and even fewer knew how he had earned it. His most visible defining moment, the one event that led him to become a shadow in the first place, was forgotten history. Judah had also made his peace with that.

He smiled. The Jedi did not want Valery to think her words had somehow insulted the man. They were alone for the moment, which meant Judah’s masks were off. The Sword of the Jedi was one of 5 people who had seen past the visage he wore. For him, life had to be one grand masquerade.

Judah also smiled because Valery’s own stubbornness was showing. It seemed to be a shared trait among shadows and sentinels. It took a stubbornly committed Jedi to dabble in the arena they did without falling to the dark side. Though his smile faded when she admitted that she had not talked to Kahlil yet. Maybe she wanted to feel her sorrow longer. Judah knew from experience that talking to your spouse often dulled the immediate pain of loss and grief. Nothing would take it away, but there were those that could lessen the impact of it.

“You should.”

It was all Judah was going to say. She was an adult who could make her own decisions. Yet, as a friend, it was Judah’s advice. Valery could take it or leave it.

“This attack echoes the past for me. I keep thinking I’ll be investigating it and Katara will be there to sneak me out again. It was how we met. For some reason I felt I could trust her with my grief. That’s all it took.”

There it was. It was not just Romi’s death Judah was feeling. The one person he wanted to turn to at this moment was gone, and she was not coming back. This loss only made him feel a deeper one all over again. Another reason he kept his distance from Valery. His walls were going up once again.

 

[Valery Noble]

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Lightsaber

Even with stubbornness showing, Valery understood what he said and why he said it. She agreed with it all, and she knew that being a Jedi meant that one had to be willing to make the ultimate sacrifice. But a Jedi didn't want to die, and she surely wasn't going to let her mind linger on the idea of losing more friends. It didn't matter how old or experienced they were — every living being had the right to live a fulfilling life.

That included Jedi.

Once he smiled a moment later, Valery returned the gesture and let out a soft sigh, "I'll talk to him. I always do, but sometimes I first want a moment to process something alone." She couldn't help it. For most of her life, she had been alone and it had taught her how to process something like loss.

But eventually, she also knew that she'd have to talk about it.

"What about you? Who are you talking to?" she asked, knowing that he no longer had someone that close to him to trust with what he truly felt in his heart. But he still wasn't alone.

"Do you want to talk to me? You know I'm here for you as well, right?"

Judah Lesan ​

 

[Judah Lesan]

Wearing: xxx
Tag: Valery Noble

Alone. Judah felt a little of his sarcastic self rise to the surface.

“Yes, because I am nobody.”

He was teasing naturally, but then the weight of the moment wiped the small smile from his face as quickly as his comment had painted it there. He was used to processing alone. Even Katara had to pull things from him on occasion. It had been part of what led to their struggles. Being married to a Jedi was not easy, and being the wife of Judah Lesan was only that much more difficult. Perhaps it had been for the best that he remained single after Katara’s death.

It was only natural that Valery would flip the question back on him. She knew the answer, which was what made it worse, or clever. Was it her opening to try and comfort a friend that would rather comfort than be comforted. For all of his faults, Judah only had himself to blame for the occasional moments he felt the loneliness of his life creep in.

Valery’s offer was kind, but it was not going to help, not in a way that would change the older Jedi’s behavior.

He simply nodded in response to her.

“I do.”

She would hate his stubbornness most likely, but at least she would understand it. The one thing they both shared in common was they were shadows. They carried their darkness with them, and it was rare they let another see it, even those they trusted. Judah trusted Valery, but she was also the Sword of the Jedi. Just because they were alone, and it was just Judah and just Valery did not mean she could simply neglect her duty.

Judah would not hear of it, especially for him.

“I will be fine. This is not the first time I have missed Katara, and it will not be the last. She was not the kind of woman you simply move on from.”

The one thing his flirtatious mask hid, the fact he still missed his bride.

“I’ll do as I always do. I will focus this energy on my next task, the next mission, whatever it is I find my hands doing. It is my nature.”

 

[Valery Noble]

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Lightsaber

"I know you'll be fine, but you should still talk about it." She knew the whole distraction with work method. It had been her coping mechanism for many years, until friends finally forced her to open up. Now, she had her family and many more friends who all stood by her when she needed it. Just how she was there when they needed someone.

Judah was stubborn and probably convinced himself already that talking wouldn't help.

But nobody was more stubborn than a Noble.

"I won't force you to open up about everything. We both have things we have to address ourselves, but I do believe it'll help you to be a little less isolated. I was the same as you are once, so I know it helps to talk." It didn't mean she liked talking, and occasionally she still missed the mark.

But each and every time she found comfort in a trusted friend or family, she felt much better after.

Judah Lesan ​

 

[Judah Lesan]

Wearing: xxx
Tag: Valery Noble

Talk… oh she was stubborn, as stubborn as he was. Judah knew they could go in circles if one of them did not relent. She knew what he was thinking, the Jedi had given her enough clues. Apparently she felt it best if he tell her about it directly, or talk about it.

He chuckled as he looked her way.

"Less isolated, you know the life I chose a long time ago."

Judah was not just an investigator, but a shadow of the deepest kind. The Galactic Alliance had their spies, their intelligence agency. Judah did much of the same, only for the Jedi. His life by definition was isolation, save the moments he was at the temple, or reconnecting Cambri or Mal…

He shrugged. Valery was not going to buy that as an answer and Judah knew it.

"This all just reminds me of my own losses. Not just Romi. I miss…"

Dare he say what he missed to someone from an older time. Even if she were married and had formed attachments herself.

"…the attachment. What I had with Kat was special, and I'll never have that again. Romi's death is a reminder that we are not promised tomorrow, and it's a reminder that there is only today."

He said it… at least a little bit.

 

[Valery Noble]

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Lightsaber

He was right.

She wasn't buying that as an answer, "You chose that life for your duties as a Jedi. But you know that's not what I'm talking about." Valery did understand that being a Shadow came with its fair share of sacrifices. A Shadow was often away from the Temple or home for extended periods of time. That could complicate chances of making friends, starting a family, or even just having a life outside of the Order.

But she knew Judah had managed in the past, and she had too.

This was about loss.

"Why do you think you can't have that again?" Valery asked with genuine interest. She had spent the vast majority of her life without any prospect of having a partner. Then one day, she went through thousands of years of stasis, woke up, and met the man she'd marry not long after. It made her a terrible example, or perhaps the perfect one.

"Sure, we can't ever be certain about our future, but is that risk really so bad that you don't want to live again?"

Judah Lesan ​

 

[Judah Lesan]

Wearing: xxx
Tag: Valery Noble

“You know what I mean, Valery,” his retort came quickly with a small bite. “What we share with people is unique. Even if I ever marry again, it won’t be the same.”

The bond and partnership Judah and Katara had shared was unique, and a story for the ages. The fact it should have never happened, and wouldn’t have were it not for tragedy, was something that only made what they shared much more impactful. Judah had not been looking for love when Katara came into his life, and he had not really been looking for it since she left.

Judah sighed and nodded. Valery, as usual, was correct. He chose the life he lived, and the duty which came with it. She was also correct that he was hiding because he wanted to deal with his sorrow alone. It was what he had always done. There were only two people in his life to ever get close enough to know how to get him to open up, genuinely. One of them was dead, and the other was a mission of her own.

The shadow would marry the Twi’lek if she ever agreed to it, or if he thought Cambria Zadira would set her devotion to the strictest dictates of the code aside for what they both knew they shared.

They were not just friends or “partners,” but it would have to be enough.

“Who said I am not living? I just cannot live like tomorrow is promised. Sure I suppose that might make me more carefree than I come across already, but instead I am more guarded.”

His eyes met Valery’s for a brief moment of honesty.

“I am not going to just open up my heart to anyone. In the meantime JJ and I have reconciled. He has brought Jacob into the order. I have a grandson that I did not even know about. He’s got Kat’s red hair even.”

Judah smiled.

“I have happy things to look at, Valery, to embrace even. Losing Romi though, the attack on Coruscant. It just reminds me of how I met Kat in the first place, and it makes me realize the part of me that misses her the most… always will.”