What's become of us? [Kana]

[Avalore Eden]

Commenor
Chasin City
Evening

Spoiler

https://youtu.be/6LDEm8mC-Nw

I lost my leg
like I lost my way
so no loose ends
nothing to see me down
how are we going to work this out?

The sound of rain trickle played behind the music of the apartment. Dimly lit, neat but lived in, it was a small and warm place that Avalore had grown to think of as home. There wasn't much to it - furniture was scant but comfortable, decoration was simple and impersonal. Some flowers, a clockface, trinkets gifted by the patients of the Chasin City Hospital.

Avalore noted that more and more things belonging to Stali were also turning up. Though this had bothered her in the beginning she found she didn't mind at all now. It was comforting in a way - little reminders of him for when he wasn't around. She wasn't alone and that was now one of her greatest comforts of all.

Dreams aren't bad, I had turned back
I love the girl
But God only knows it's
Getting hard to see the sun coming through
I love you...
But what are we going to do?

She had been alone. Perhaps for longer than she knew. Alone in her head and in her heart, this revelation being something of a distressing thing. Perhaps she had never really recovered from all the loss. Perhaps she should have sought out psychiatric therapy instead of letting it fester. Perhaps she should have done a lot of things.

Hal and Lira had been the last straw.

Avalore sipped quietly from a cup of tea, forcing her mind to other things far less painful. She was done with that part of her life - purposefully closed it down, left it behind. Cato Neimoidia Sanctuary would likely never see her again; a decision she felt as good about as she possibly could. The Jedi Order? Well, she hadn't exactly left. She was still here, on Commenor, well within the territory and jurisdiction of both the Order and the Republic, but she'd stopped going back to teach classes. Stopped sending updates. She still maintained her duties as a Healer, still upheld the qualities of a Jedi, but she hadn't worn the robes in months, insisted on the Doctors and Nurses simply calling her Avalore.

No one had come knocking. The Order didn't seem to care - strange for being so busy with war, one would think they'd be curious about the fate of their Chief Healer. Avalore supposed Healers had become overrated and undervalued when compared to their Warrior counterparts. That was fine by her, but she wouldn't be answering to them anytime soon if that was the case. She'd heal the wounded and send them on their way, content with her new lot in life, where she was wanted and needed. Where her efforts were appreciated.

So it did come as some surprise when the message from [member="Kana Truden"] reached her nearly a week ago. The Jedi Master had reached out to her some time ago for help and training, but silence had followed since then. To be expected, she supposed, as Kana was a smart, talented woman who would amount to far greater things than Avalore ever had. In fact, Avalore thought to herself as she itched Nine the white womprat behind the ears, Kana would have been her chosen successor if she ever got the wherewithal to officially announce her secession from the Order.

Kana was seeking more help and Avalore had no reason not to oblige. She liked the Jedi and was quietly wanting for some more company. A familiar face to talk to while [member="Meeristali Peradun"] was away. So she gave Kana her address and welcomed her over, even picked up the place and made it presentable.

Now all she had to do was wait.

Knock knock knock.

...or not.

"It's open," Avalore called to the door, "come on in."

 

[Kana Truden]

Spoiler

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qzz_Bm0uaWs

It didn’t work. Kana had tried, she really had but the technique she had learned no longer seemed to work as efficiently as before. Healing was her thing, that’s what she did and no matter how hard she tried even the smallest of cuts had become a chore, a painfully slow process. What took her seconds could now take her minutes and that was if it even worked at all. Avalore was still in the most technical of meanings the Chief Healer yet she much like Kana seemed to have dropped off the Jedi Order’s charter of Masters. Though it was most likely for different reasons. After all, a deserter wasn’t much of a welcome sight to the Order.

Not that Kana needed it. She had her eyes opened. They didn’t care for her and they never had. They wanted her dead, even more to the point they wanted everyone she cared about to die. Ruusan was just the beginning, the slow realisation that for all the battles she had entered and for each battle she had left the expectations and care if she had survived or not had seemed non-existent. They wanted soldiers. They wanted young kids, her kids, to get sent off into battle with the promise of a greater purpose.

The time had come when that was going to end. Kana wanted no part of it any longer and her message on Ord Mirit would have been a testament to that. She left with not a word of warning to anyone. Another soldier that had gone missing in the great scheme of things, just as the higher ups wanted.

Her hand reached up for the knock when a moment of hesitation set over her. What would Avalore think of all this? Not long ago had Kana been receiving instructions, yet now here she was and she couldn’t even fulfil the duty she had sworn to uphold as a healer. Would she be angry? Did Kana really care what the Chief Healer had to say?

She did. Perhaps too much. What other reason did she have to come here?

The apologies ran rampant. ‘Sorry for being a failure’ being the most prominent next to ‘I am sorry for letting all my friends die.’ Maybe she could leave. Send [member="Avalore Eden"] a message that something came up and Kana had to attend to it. Her hand went down to slump by her sides but she failed at even then. Her fist knocked on the door and she knew better than to run away. She raised it in front of her again and repeated a pattern of three knocks.

The muffled voice of the Chief called for her to enter and with a deep breath she did so.

“Hi, Avalore.” Kana’s voice shook as she spoke. “I am... I... Hi.”

“H-how, uh, are you?”

 

[Avalore Eden]

Avalore did not rise from her seat and it was not from a lack of respect for her fellow Jedi Master. [member="Kana Truden"] knew how much Avalore respected her and that there was not need to draw up judgement or prove anything here, in her presence, in this little appartment so snugly hidden away from the galaxy.

"Well enough," she replied quietly, pale smile lighting momentarily to see that face, "come in. Sit..." Avalore watched her, noting the curious stiffness in which she walked. It was a language of the body with which she was all too familiar if only from her own personal experience.

"...tea?"

 

[Kana Truden]

Kana took her seat by command and with a seemingly heavy burden on her shoulders she carefully took her time to not look or act in any way disrespectful towards she who had been Kana’s idol within the Order. That idol that she worried far too much about whether she had failed or not. Kana’s eyes set for the floor as a heavy silence seemed to fall upon her. The room felt small and breathing got heavy as if the ringing in her ears tried to keep the anger and fear down in the dirt.

Then the silence was broken. Tea? Kana twitched as the question broke the barriers. Her head began to nod in acceptance of the offer. Tea sounded like a good idea.

“Yes, please.” She said and pursed her lips in an attempted smile. “I would like that.”

Kana let her eyes set on the floor again as her eyes seemed to jitter around in panic. Was she supposed to be honest now, or later? Did Avalore know? She was Chief Healer [member="Avalore Eden"], it felt like she would know. It felt like something she should know, but if so how much did she know? Did she know about Ruusan? Did she know the fact that Kana betrayed her oath on Ord Mirit? There were so many questions and the idea of finding the answers caused her entire body to shake and shiver in preparation for the disappointment she'd be bringing.

“It’s a nice apartment, very...” Basic? Would that be an insult? “Unique.”

“I once had an apartment. On Alderaan. Where I lived.”

[member="Avalore Eden"]

 

[Avalore Eden]

"Bare is more like it," Avalore replied over a small smile as she stood and moved to the nearby kitchen to put the kettle back on the stove, "I suppose I've finally come to appreciate the simple lifestyle of Jedi. So much easier to live when you have less things to think about."

The Healer paused as [member="Kana Truden"] spoke of her home on Alderaan and quickly lost her smile. Should she have known Kana had come from Alderaan? Perhaps she had? It might come as a surprise to Kana just how little the Chief Healer actually knew about her fellow Jedi Masters and their movements within the Order.

The Council had never, in her history as standing Chief Healer, bothered to inform her of anything. Never included her in on anything. Never asked for her council or her thoughts on decisions made or promotions granted. In fact, Avalore had found more inclusiveness with the Jedi of the Academy, those not linked to the Republic. Things within the Order had never quite been the same since Kiskla's disappearance. Strange how that worked out.

"I suppose that means you don't get to use it very often anymore..." raising a brow, Ava tried at a hint of humor - likely in poor taste. Alderaan's fate was lamentable but at least it was now back in the care of the Republic. Her own home planet of Corellia....well....

Not that she was here to compare sad stories.

"I'm glad to see you, Kana," procuring a mug from a cupboard Avalore filled it with hot tea from the kettle and brought it over, "I was beginning to think the Order had forgotten all about me."

Apparently she knew absolutely nothing about all the things currently stewing in Kana's head.

 

[Kana Truden]

“No, I don’t.” Kana took a deep breath and tried to smile again. “It would, uh, put your apartment to shame if we’re talking about bare.” She afforded herself a snicker. “Last I saw it was missing a wall.”

It was a small moment’s peace. A healer and another just talking about life before the Order. About how it all just felt a lot more easier. No constant vigilance, no light or dark. Yet as much as Kana wanted to keep her smile up it faded at the mention of the Order. Or rather, if Avalore was remembered by the Order.

Kana didn’t feel like the right person to ask that question.

“I remembered you.” Kana spoke her mind. “Though the others? I’m not sure they know if you exist or not.”

“Soon, they won’t think I exist either.” Kana took her second deep breath as the moment of truth approached them. “I am listed as M.I.A. ever since they invaded Ord Mirit.”

It was in this moment that the panic spread like wildfire. [member="Avalore Eden"] deserved Kana’s point of view as a former healer to the chief. The barriers were all but bursting as Kana looked at Avalore in shame. A deserter, a former healer and a woman without a single shred of internal peace. Things had come bursting on that godforsaken planet and things that had been bottled up and forgotten about had all come unleashed in short, rapid succession.

But these were things better dwelled on in solitude. Probably.

“I’ve left the Order behind.” It was finally out. “I don't know what I can say to make that sound less horrible, but I just couldn’t stay.”

 

[Avalore Eden]

"I remembered you."

This statement alone brought a smile to the Chief Healer's face. It meant more than Kana might realize ... or...

"Soon they won't think I exist either."

...perhaps she did.

Avalore's expression fell still as she listened to what was likely something very difficult for Kana to reveal. She wasn't an empath by any means but Avalore also wasn't without compassion. She began fixing Kana's tea for her while the other woman spoke. A small spoonful of sugar, not too much. Honey. A sprig of mint and a tiny dash of cinnamon. Stir - slowly, clockwise first for three turns, then one turn counter-clockwise to mix it all in.

When Kana finished Avalore gently pushed the mug towars her, "Here," and offered a wane, warm smile, "it's not horrible. You're leaving the Order, I mean, not the tea. The tea is delicious."

She gave Kana a few moments of silence to taste before taking up her own mug again.

"Tell me what happened at Ord Mirit."

[member="Kana Truden"]

 

[Kana Truden]

There was no disappointment, no questioning stares. Just [member="Avalore Eden"] and Kana drinking tea. For a second she didn’t know how to react. She had been so expectant, so set on delivering a set of disappointment that for a second all Kana could do was blink in confusion before she took a sip of her tea. Sweet, minty and most of all warm. It was perfect, and also delicious much like Avalore had predicted.

“I went there seeking an end.” Kana admitted. “My end.”

“For the longest of time I’ve seen the faces of those I lost in my time with Order. I think of Alderaan, Manaan, Kashyyyk just to mention a few. Though most of all I see the images of all the younglings on Ruusan. One moment alive and the other... Dead.” She looked at Avalore. “I failed everyone on Ruusan. The Sith attacked and I was locked inside my clinic because of an explosion that sealed my door shut.. All I could do was feel it as each student I had taken care of died. A whole enclave of younglings just dead because I couldn’t do anything.”

“It was this that the Sith on Ord Mirit abused, but they didn’t stop there. No, they let it all fester. Ancient buried memories from my past, my parents and everything that has happened since then. I thought I was over it, but it’s weird how history has a way of reminding you of things.”

She took a second sip of the tea to calm her nerves. Kana was close to breaking down, it was apparent to anyone that the sting of her own failures burned unlike any other. But emotions still sprung up and Kana’s barriers finally burst. She would have known better than to let her anger show like this but it was hard to suppress as the floodgates opened wide. Perhaps deep down she wanted to be angry, or perhaps she simply had never afforded herself the ability to vent her troubles on anyone. At least until now.

“Why does life keep on punishing me, Avalore?” Kana sobbed up. “Why does it keep taking away everything I work so hard for?”

 

[Avalore Eden]

If there was one single person in this galaxy that could understand exactly every emotion going through [member="Kana Truden"]'s head right this instant and all the instants that preceded this ... it was Avalore Eden.

From the tragedy of her own family to the murder of her daughter's father. To the disappearance of her first Master and the suicide of her second. From her failures as a Jedi to her failures as a friend. From the day she gave up her baby in the hopes of her finding a better life than she could provide to the day she learned the orphanage on Corellia had been destroyed from the great Rift created by Akala. Hal's kidnapping and torture to the learned demise of Lira Dajenn...

Everything I've ever grown to love has been forcibly stripped from my life.

Avalore remained silent. This wasn't her time of need. She'd been lucky enough to have one person remain by her side, yet to be taken from her, and [member="Meeristali Peradun"] had spent an evening quite like this one simply listening to the Healer's story. The story she'd kept bottled up for so many years.

"Life is cruel," she said finally, her tone quiet, "this galaxy is cruel. It takes from people like you and me and all the others. It takes and takes until you've got nothing left ... no home, no family, no loved ones left ...and somehow it still manages to take some more. Your pride, your strength, your courage, your compassion. One day you wake up feeling like a withered husk of the person you once were. Helpless against these monstrosities. Alone. Broken. Shamed. Feel like you can't do anything right, that every thing you try with good intentions turns to dust in your hands."

The Healer looked down at her own hands now, lifting them into the dim light for Kana to see. They were deeply scarred all over - the price she paid for tampering with powers far beyond her own control. When her own emotions grew dark she could still feel the pain of that day, still see the blackness of corruption within her mind.

"Your pain, anguish, failures... your suffering," Avalore balled her hands into fists before reaching out to take hold of her friend's nearest arm with a strong squeeze, "you're not alone."

 

[Kana Truden]

Life was indeed cruel and the galaxy as a whole almost served as an equal. It took away from the good and gave to the bad without pity or remorse. Perhaps it was this that Kana learned on Ord Mirit, or perhaps it was what she simply heard from a caring friend. The ex-healer took a sip of her tea and gently nudged her cup back and forth in order to swirl the liquid within around for a bit as her nerves started to allow her feelings to be reined in.

At least so she thought until Kana found her arm squeezed.

“Then why do I feel so alone?” She spoke with a sigh. “Those kids were like my family. A new one, a good one. People I could rely on and always know that they were there for me. I never had to worry about who or where or what I was doing, they just kind of accepted me for who I was.”

“Still,” Kana smiled at the healer. “Thank you, Avalore. It means a lot to talk about it.”

Which was not to say she hadn’t talked about it before, but a therapist and a friend offered two different kinds of trust. Avalore had won Kana over before this all had begun, the therapist was a stranger who branded her a loony .

Yet Kana felt just about as good as usual, all of the trauma and depression aside.

“I don’t want to pry, I can understand if you don’t want to talk about it,” Kana looked at her friend’s hands. “But what happened to your hands?”

“Does it hurt?”

[member="Avalore Eden"]

 

[Avalore Eden]

The wilting smile she offered was perhaps not the best boost to moral or mood, but Avalore knew a smile wasn't going to cure Kana of what ailed her. Time was what [member="Kana Truden"] needed. Time and a listening ear - both of which she knew she was capable of offering.

She squeezed her arm again for good measure before leaning back, conversation now on her hands. For some time they had been something Avalore was very insecure about. Standing as a reminder of her own failures, she took care to hide them from others and to try and not think about them. Wrapping them around her own mug she let the warmth of her tea saturate her hands down to the bones.

"I attempted to do something I wasn't capable of doing."

A sigh. The accident wasn't the most painful part of the memories - that was reserved for everything concerning the thought of [member="Hal Terrano"].

"Jedi Knight Hal Terrano was an attending Knight at the Cato Neimoidia Sanctuary. He was once taken by the Sith and branded. At the time of my rescue from Coruscant he turned his back on the Sith and helped me and Johnny Diamonds escape. I promised him I would help him repent, bring him back to the Light, give him a safe haven. One night I found him trying to cut the Sith brand from his back with a dagger..."

Kana could likely assume what had followed.

"...in my attempts to heal the mark I foolishly tried to use Force Light. I wasn't strong enough at the time and it rebounded, pulling the corruption back into my hands. They turned black and shriveled... like they'd been burnt. The pain was unbelievable."

She slowly flexed her fingers, "Master Nytrau healed us both. These scars are what remain. Sometimes my hands are stiff and sore when I wake up. On my darker days they burn and I can hardly use them ... let alone Heal anything."

 

[Kana Truden]

Johnny Diamonds, now that was a name Kana hadn’t heard in a very long time. She slid back into her seat and let herself get comfortable with the backrest. The story however took a turn for the macabre. Cutting out a brand, Kana could only imagine what it was like to stumble upon something like that and even then it brought her nothing but a cringing, gut wrenching imagery of pain. It didn’t help that she also tried to imagine the pain of the corruption burning itself into her friend’s hand.

In an involuntary mimic of flexing her fingers Kana grabbed her wrist as if she could almost feel it.

“I too tasted that corruption once. I think.” Kana spoke as the corner of her mouth began to twitch. “I was poisoned before. Sith poison from a grazing blow delivered by Darth Praelior. I lost control but I could feel everything. Like being stuck in a box within your mind that just kept on shrinking.”

“Then I was knocked unconscious. I needed help and, well, Master Nytrau was there for me too.” Kana swallowed hard as she finished speaking. “But lately I feel like it’s coming back. I feel like I’m at a loss of peace, I can’t focus and I sometimes snap at the smallest of things.”

As if shot from a cannon Kana rose out of her seat and began pacing back and forth while dragging her hands through her hair. The growing unease was resurfacing again and if they were being honest about things then it was perhaps best to just open up and be honest. Kana continued her pacing as she looked to Avalore again and furrowed her eyebrows.

“I get thoughts, strange thoughts, weird thoughts.” Kana held her hands out as if she wanted to metaphorically strangle the thoughts. “Thoughts of patricide, matricide. I feel a need for... For... JUSTICE. I don’t know! I want to murder, I want to kill, I want to do exactly everything that the Order taught me not to do and I feel like no matter how hard I try to suppress these urges they just keep. On. Resurfacing.”

“I think part of me wants to be angry, I think a part of me wants to let it happen.” Then Kana turned back to [member="Avalore Eden"] once more in a stare that would let seconds to pass both of them by. The rest of what she had to say was hanging by the tip of her tongue but part of her still wasn't sure where she was going with all this. “I’ve messed up everything I worked so hard for these last few years, and I don’t know what to do anymore.”

 

[Avalore Eden]

Avalore watched Kana unfurl, brows raising at the woman's sudden change in demeanor.

Anger. Rage. The want to bring hurt upon those that hurt yourself. She understood this, though Avalore had never been a violent person. Kana, perhaps, had more aggressive tendencies which made her a far greater candidate to learning the skills of and becoming a renowned Jedi Warrior.

Avalore couldn't even stand the sight of a lightsaber.

For several long moments the Healer sat in quiet, carefully considering her friend. Did she think Kana was crazy? No. But there might be something else at work here. Something dark and sinister festering in her mind and body that the Jedi Master couldn't shake. Maybe there was some healing to be done after all.

"I will never believe that violence is the answer to what ails our hearts, Kana, and that's not just the Jedi in me speaking..."

"but I will believe that in order to remain ourselves, to keep ourselves whole, we must know ourselves fully, and we can't accomplish that when others are manipulating our minds and emotions," Avalore stood from her chair and reached under the collar of her shirt, tugging out of it a silver chain upon which a small Kasha Crystal hung, "take this. It has always brought me clarity even during my darkest hours. When I wear it I know exactly who I am and what I truly need."

Though Kasha Crystals often worked best for those that had found the greatest connection to them, Avalore knew for certain that her need for the amulet had come to an end and that by willingly passing it off to Kana that the energies would realign.

"I also think that you may still be suffering from the lingering effects of the Sith Poison. It's a difficult malady to cure, even for great Masters like Illias."

[member="Kana Truden"]

 

[Kana Truden]

Kana carefully grabbed the amulet from her friend’s extended hands and promptly held it out in front of her as her eyes traced along the surface of the crystal. She could feel it. It was there, a faint sense of calm to settle her nerves. For a moment her skepticism kicked in as if Kana questioned the way the crystal worked, but it didn’t take her long to slowly start to nod her head in appreciation.

“I know, and thank you, Avalore.” Kana put the silver chain around her neck. “I... Hope you’re right. About the poison. Even if it’s an answer that feels... So wrong.”

The ex-healer’s lower lip started to shiver as her eyes slowly began to gloss up in a panicked realisation. Kana could draw one conclusion about what was going on. She didn’t like it, not in the slightest but it was the truth. It had to be. Her emotions and thoughts were products of the corruption from a life she had sworn to never take to. A life that would mean Kana herself would become the very thing that had caused her so much grief. This thought alone was enough to cause a second panicked huff part her lips.

The sith...

Death...

Ruusan...

Her jaw started to tremble for each attempt she made to speak up. Her tongue curled itself up as if it had shriveled and died. For every word about to come out of her mouth came the prompt response of a mind blanking out. Her arms, though weighing heavy, rose from her sides as Kana slowly tried to wrap them around her friend.

“Thank you.” It felt like a point that needed to be reiterated. “Thank you for being here. I’m sorry for making it all about myself, but I just...” Kana took a deep breath and let her friend go. “I haven’t allowed myself time to talk about these things with anyone. So, thank you. For listening.”

[member="Avalore Eden"]

 

[Avalore Eden]

Avalore embraced her friend tightly, knowing just that right amount of strength to offer. Knowing just how much better it felt to have someone there that would be your rock when all you were was sand drifting in the winds.

And that feeling of being someone else's rock once more was something Avalore needed more than she thought.

"Of course, Kana. I was a person before I was a Jedi or a Healer...I'm still a person, and your friend," she offered her a wane smile as Kana released her, "but maybe there is something you can do for me now. Something I need to do but cannot do it alone ... I'm not strong enough."

Avalore then went on to tell Kana about the fates of Hal and Lira. Hal, missing from New Plympto for so long and then the sudden delivery of his eyes. How she'd posted the bounty for Hal and later added Lira when the girl went looking for him and never returned. About her meetings with the Mercenary Davin Skirata ... about his findings on New Plympto.

Lira had died but she'd found Hal, and though Davin had given Lira a proper burial on that planet ... Avalore could not stand to let her body remain there.

"Come with me to retrieve her body, Kana, please. I need to bring her home to the Sanctuary and put her to rest but I cannot do it alone."

[member="Kana Truden"]

 

[Kana Truden]

Lira was dead?

Kana frowned. She had known of this woman and run a salvage run with her back when she was still a Padawan looking to create a small fighter for the Jedi Order. However, Kana wasn’t very aware of who Hal Terrano was. She might have seen mention here and there, but there had never been any actual interaction between them.

Perhaps that could change.

“Don’t say that.” Kana hugged her friend again. “You’re strong enough to not let it get to you. That’s more than I can say about myself.”

She let Avalore go again. As much as hugs were nice they probably didn’t want people to get the idea that they clinged to each other just yet. The table turned and for the moment it became Kana’s turn to be the rock in the storm, or breeze.

It was a welcome change.

“I will be there for you, Avalore. Anything you need, I will be right here.”

[member="Avalore Eden"]