As for critiquing your writing style, the two biggest issues that stand out are the lack of pronouns or other words to reference your character and the grammar issues.
You use Xhinx almost exclusively when referring to your character. While there's nothing technically wrong with doing so, it turns the writing clunky. The human brain easily picks up on patterns and repetition, so you want to vary the words you use. For example, using the simple pronoun "he" works well. Mix that in with other nouns and your writing will flow much better.
See this example:
Asemir took a bite from an apple. Asemir chewed. Asemir swallowed.
Compare it to:
Asemir took a bite from an apple. He chewed. The Ingr'nysk swallowed.
Notice how it works even better? Now, if you link the sentences using conjunctions and dependent clauses, you get writing that flows even more smoothly.
Observe:
Asemir took a bite from an apple, chewed, and then swallowed.
The other issue I noticed is just grammatical issues. While grammar is too complex to teach in a single post, I will suggest that you pick one tense for your writing and stick with it. Don't mix tenses. What I mean is, if you start with past tense, use past tense throughout your writing. Don't switch to present or future tense without a very good reason. And, unless you're experimenting with a very specific literary effect, there aren't any good reasons to change tenses.
An example:
Asemir kicked the thug in the head. He spins on one foot, landed, and delivers a teardrop slash with his blade. The man hit the ground, minus his head. The head rolls away.
See how clunky that is?
My advice is to use past tense, third person. It's very tough to write well using any other perspective and tense. If you'd like, I can show you how you can mix second person present tense into a third person past tense narrative, but it's very tough to get right.
[member="Xhinx"]
