You & I

[Danger Arceneau]

I reckon when it's all over,
It just comes back in flashes.

Time stops at certain moments in life, taking snapshots of the best and worse. Dreams and wishes fade to nothing. In the end a life is totaled and defined by a handful of memories that hang in the mind.

It's like a kaleidoscope of memories.
It just all comes back again with the raging anger and the saddest of fears.

The crazy thing is I don't know if I'm ever gonna feel that way again.

And I don't know if I should.

It's in the flashbacks and echoes, reminding me of a time where loving him was faster than the wind, passionate as sin, only to end in the brightest and the most painful of crashes and burns.

For some women, a flesh-and-blood man doesn’t pose near the threat as that of a memory. She hangs like a broken record, playing the same verse over and over, unable to go forward, unable to go back.

It had been nearly two years since Noxu Za'tire's body lay dead and buried in the frozen tundra of Hoth, and ten years since it all began, but the cut he’d made inside me still bled.

Where did it go wrong? Was it him? Was it me?

It just all keeps coming back -- every single tear soaked whiskey memory.

​

​

​

Three years ago...​

 

[Noxu Za'tire]

Taris. Taris was certainly one of the worst places to be and at no point did Noxu ever want to be there. Certain events lead to other events that made him want to be there less, but there was only one reason that he remained: [member="Danger Arceneau"]. His arrival on Taris was anything but a celebration. Minute after minute it was all atrocious mistakes after atrocious mistakes. The last one, even though he'd tried to make things better, he managed to make them worse. Story of my life, he mused.

There Noxu sat in a tent for medical responses. By his side, Danger rest in the bed. The mistake that kept him by her side was certainly his own. Overdose. In his attempt to help her fight off the rakghoul disease, he managed to overdose her with the vaccine which sent her into a bit of a coma. At least he'd thought.

By her side he sat, with his feet up on the same bed that Danger lay in. Of course, without a care in the galaxy, he sat with his shirt off and his hands were clasped around her left. As strange as it was, he was comfortable and ... relaxed; his eyes were shut and he was comfortable... too comfortable considering the situation he was in. She'll be all right, you know she'll be all right, he comforted himself. Glad to be out of that gods damned hot sun, too.

His coat, which he'd almost always had on him was laying over Danger from neck to toe along with the other blanket that was beneath the coat. She looks comfortable. She can keep the coat for a while longer, he mused with a smirk. Of course, before he covered Danger with his coat, he snagged his flask from the coat pocket and now held it in his hand.

 

[Danger Arceneau]

An overdose of the Rakghoul vaccine. Who would have thought that would be what felled her. Then again, considering it had been Noxu Za’tire who gave her the medium to nearly be sent two meters under, she shouldn’t really be surprised.

At least, if she was conscious. The fact that he had turned up in that wreck of a Taris factory was surprise enough as it is. She had gone in there for a salvage job, already with a vaccine in place and enough gear to make sure she’d do right by herself.

Until she was too far in deep to realize the amount of poodoo she got herself into.

They had been everywhere, and there was a moment in the rear of her mind that this was where she was gonna die. Here, in this karkforsaken asscrack of no where on bloody fething Taris!

Here is where Danger would die. And she would have had it not been for him.

How was it that he got there? Why?

Why did he always come in the worst and best of times? It was like the ‘verse was out to remind her of all she had given and all she’d lost.

Every fething time.

The last thing she’d recall before she passed out was the lunging figure of one rampaging Rakghoul right on her. How he’d tackled her to the floor, viciously already tearing into her arm as she’d shot bolt after bolt right at his gut.

To no avail.

Then there he was. That volley of bolts, the sudden weight of the Rakghoul on her, and then finally as her vision would blur and she’d sink into her unconciouness, her name.

Danger.



***
The Med-Bay

The woman would lay on her side, her curled fists close to her face, where stray tendrils of auburn hair clung to her lightly freckled cheeks.

Danger was breathing regularly at least now, the bulk of her fever dissipating as the long hours dragged by. Bacta patches would cover her arm and the various wounds she still received in her skirmish with the Rakghouls. No infection at least. She’d been cleared.

Finally, long after the Tarisan sun set over the demolished jungle strewn remains of Taris, she began to stir.

 

[Noxu Za'tire]

Too comfortable, you're goin' to fall asleep. Nah. You're fine. You'll be awake when she wakes up, continued his thoughts. Over the course of Danger's long rest, his hand moved up from her left hand and to the strand of hair that continually fell over her face just to move it back out of the way.

While he was awake, all he could do was gaze at the woman that he harmed. The woman that he'd never wanted to hurt. She was beautiful.

Story of your life.

While he watched Danger rest comfortably, he continued to fall deeper into that comforting rest himself. His eyes closed slowly and without him even realizing. With that, his fingers stopped grazing that strand of hair out of her face as well as he couldn't see it any longer.

She's better. Don't let go.

He continued to hold onto her hand and even found himself leaning in to rest slightly against her unharmed arm. Finally, after long moments of rest, he began to daze off. Dreams ran through his mind and that once comfortable rest soon became restless sleep. He'd murmur under his breath occasionally and his eyes would look back and forth. "I'm sorry," he'd murmur every so often.

 

[Danger Arceneau]

Danger 's legs shifted, the jacket and blanket slowly sliding off her shoulders a she rolled onto her back.

She gave a faint frown, brows drawing together in confusion as she stirred from her slumber. She tried to open her eyes, but they felt heavy. A small sleepy groan escaped her lips, and like a cat, she stretched under the covers only to give a faint wince of pain.

What in the....

Sooty black lashes flickered open, only to grimace as the light hit sensitive eyes. She tried to lift her left hand to block it only to have a heavy warm weight hold it down.

Reality came by degrees, as she shook her head, trying to wipe the cobwebs of medicated slumber from her mind. Everything was blurry, but slowly fuzzy oblong shapes began to take form. However, it was the faint scent of cigarras and the uncanny scent of a particular brand of aftershave that had the most effect on her.

"What in the Nine Hells..." she uttered, mouth dry as her sight slowly cleared to reveal a slumbering man beside her bed.

 

[Noxu Za'tire]

Noxu shook his head slight in that disturbed sleep. The mix of the dreams and the muttering caused him to stir more in his restless half-sleep. Not once did it register that the woman beside him was waking up, and he certainly didn't have the wherewithal to pull himself fully out of that restless half-slumber. His hand remained tight around her uninjured hand and it was clear that he had no intentions, even while being nearly unconscious, that he was about to leave go.

After she'd muttered, he retorted with another simple apology, "I'm sorry." It was either the dreams or just his subconscious that were making him regret something. "I shouldn't have...." came the muttered ramblings of the half-sleeping and (probably) half-drunk smuggler.

That slight movement of her stirring caused him to turn with her a small amount. The tug was obvious to him but he'd only turned over to his side. Sleep was overtaking him.

Now, he was comfortable. Comfort was all he wanted and he felt that right where he was with Danger by his side. A smile came across his lips, but it wasn't a happy one; in fact, it had almost looked like a saddened smile. Between Danger being by his side and the restless dreams that overtook him, he was in a strange place. Comfortable and happy, but still bothered.

 

[Danger Arceneau]

There were few things Danger would never forget. Her daddy's lessons to make her a crack shot. The way her momma would drill in her how to be a lady. And then there was the swarthy visage of the man she'd given her all. Heart, mind, body, and soul.

A woman knows. Ain't something that can be easily forgotten. Nigh on seven years, but she could still map that frame in the pitch black dark of the Junland Waste tunnels that connected the Wound to the Western Dune sea.

His hair was a right mess; it always had been. It stuck out in tuffs here and there, as if a bantha had taken a wild licking to it. A dark shadow of scruff covered his jaw, along with the ruddy tan and a few more lines that came with age.

Shock ran through her like dry lightning, thrumming with an energy that would lick at her nerves and hitch her breath.

"Nox?" she uttered his name with surprised shock, almost as if she couldn't believe her eyes.

That's when he moved, and the heavy warmth of his hand became a tangible weight that she could not deny. A quick inhale of breath followed the sudden jerking of her hand, freeing it from under Nox's grasp as she shifted to a half sitting position. She went scooting back to the wall and legs slightly drawn up.

 

[Noxu Za'tire]

There was a sudden jerking from the smuggler as he was pulled from that half-sleep. His eyes shot wide and he blinked a good few times. Where the hell are you? What the hell is going on? were the first thoughts that came to his mind. It all quickly came back to him and he remembered exactly where he was:

In the tent, alone with Danger.

Pulling both his hands away from her hand and her side, he put them right where they probably should have been all along: in his lap. Immediately after, he sat up straight and pulled his legs from the bed to go flat on the floor. It didn't take long before his hands found his face again as he rubbed at his eyes to wake himself up a little bit better.

You really need to stop drinkin' so much.

There was silence as Noxu didn't say a single word and just sat at the side of Danger's bed. The only form of communication he'd give was a shake of his head -- if that were even communication, he was actually just trying to wake up again. Napping wasn't his thing. Still there was silence.

It was only a matter of time before Danger began to yell at him and at that very moment he was prepared to get the hell out of the tent and back to his ship. Ain't nobody got time for that, he thought.

 

[Danger Arceneau]

Danger 's eyes were wide, dilated to the point that only a thin circlet of jade could be seen. Emotions warred within her; Confusion and shock, anger and longing, betrayal and hate. As the shadows of her mind cleared, her jaw set, chin tucking low as she stared at him through stray wisps of crimson bangs.

He was half naked, and a parting glance at her lap confirmed just where his jacket went off to. Aye, she could still smell the lingering scent of his familiar vice among the faint tinge of metallic copper that had been her blood.

It was a welcomed sight as much as a despised one; one that only served to rub the salt of Tatooine's dry lake beds upon the sore wounds of her heart.

The bastard.

Nostrils flared, and she grit her teeth. In her confusion, she could only turn to the one emotion that had served her well for almost a decade. Sweet scornful anger rose, coloring her cheeks a crimson hue and igniting her eyes with emerald fire.

"What are you doing here?" she growled out, voice low. Her hackles were up, on the offensive for that was all she'd known the past seven years. Gone was the pliant sleepy woman who'd instinctively burrowed into his arms.

In her place was the image of the cold hearted schutta of a scorned woman, one who'd done all she could the past seven years to ruin the man who'd done the same to her without a second glance.

Or a single regret.

 

[Noxu Za'tire]

His attention was drawn to the firey rose that sprang up from that beautiful sleeping woman he far preferred. He said nothing for a few moments as he looked at her and past those green eyes. Then, he stood up and reached for the coat that he used to cover Danger for some added comfort. "Nothin' anymore, sweetcheeks," he retorted.

That'll show her, he thought sarcastically.

Even he didn't know why he expected her to act any differently compared to how she just did. Foolish hopes, I guess.

Pulling on his coat through his right arm and then his left, he finally turned to look at her. "I brought you here 'cause I overdosed you on the rakghoul vaccine. Didn't want to leave you to be eaten alive by 'em, neither. Thought it'd be safe here than, you know, bein' clawed and gnawed to death," he finally answered her.

"That's what the 'hell I'm doin' here'," came the tone to rival her own seething one.

"Now that you're awake? I'm gettin' the hell out of dodge. I did my part. You don't want me here and I know when I'm not wanted." A familiar feeling that he once told a Jedi that didn't know where she didn't belong. "So, yeah. Sorry for savin' your life or whatever else. Like I really care," came the frustrated blunt reply, which would have been obviously untrue since he did, in fact, save her.

There it is: that schutta attitude. Definitely not stickin' around for any more of that tongue lashin', he thought. First, the power plant, and now in the tent. Even after he'd so graciously saved her life when he didn't have to. Ungrateful.

 

[Danger Arceneau]

His emotions -- like always -- fanned her own.

They were like twin flames, each feeding off each other and combusting with a broad spectrum of volatile emotions that could heat the nights of heaven or burn them in a fiery blaze in Hell.

After all, the past made clear that nothing was ever held back between the two. Danger took as much as she gave, her temper just as bad as his, and equally full of damnable stubborn pride.

It's a shame. A damn shame, that battle lines had been drawn and what once burned in a passionate frenzy had become a battlefield.

Her upper lip curled into a sarcastic grin, "Good to know that it doesn't have to be spelt out for you. Then again, when it comes to leavin' it never had to be, did it?"

"I'm surprised you even bothered to stay, slinkin' away without a word is more your style."

'What changed this time around, Za'tire?" she arched a brow, lifting her chin in that same old challenging way that would tug on nostalgic strings. However, this time there wouldn't be mirth dancing in her eyes, nor a warm smile offering a playful banter.

Not this time.

Not for damn sure.

"Course.... guess you just wanted to make sure that your little bit of healin' didn't kill me. Guess it's easier to walk away when you know that you won't have the guilt of a death leerin' over your damnable hide."

 

[Noxu Za'tire]

Noxu began to walk out of the tent, but he stopped. Danger's voice came ringing out into the air and it hit a nerve. It was obvious. He tensed. His hands balled into fists and knuckles went white. With a hastened turn, he looked at Danger. He. Was. Not. Happy.

"Oh, yeah? Actually. If I were smart... Yeah, I would've left you to be gnawed and ripped apart by the rakghoul. But, for some un-gods-damned-knowable reason, I still don't want you to die," came the equally angered tone. His hands moved up to pull on the jacket quicker so he could leave, just as she wanted and provoked.

But he didn't. He stayed.

"Yeah. I get it. You hate me. I've heard it, sweetcheeks. A lot. And guess what-the-hell what? You ain't the first one and you sure as fuck won't be the last!" A grin came across his face as he stood there triumphant. Reaching into his coat, he pulled out a cigarra and placed it at the edge of his lips.

"Damn, I even risked my own gods damned life draggin' your sorry fat ass out of that rakghoul infested lair, and trust me, it wasn't easy." He paused for a moment as he stretched his arms as if to accentuate what he was about to say next: "Have you put on weight? I thought you used to weigh less than a rancor!" There was the devilish grin again.

"I do what needs to be done, sweetheart, so I can sleep at night. Even if, you know, that's tryin' to take care of a friend," he paused again, shaking his head with that smirk still across his lips. "Scratch that, a schutta that's so gods damned ungrateful she can't see past her own stupidity to thank someone for helpin' her!" The smirk faded and was replaced with a damnable glare.

"Holy hell, I thought you at least had a small ounce of sanity in you, but you're just as gorram stupid as everyone else in this damn galaxy!" He waited for a second or maybe two seconds before he continued. "Let me know when you grow the fuck up and stop actin' like a gods damned dumbass. Maybe then I'll stick around for a little while longer, yeah?" The glare remained as he stared at her and his feet certainly weren't dragging him closer to the exit of the tent. In fact, they were placed firmly on the ground and he was going to stand there determined.

His tone changed now and it was clear he was trying his best to mock her: "Oh, you helped me! I would have much rather stayed on the planet to be eaten by the rakghouls! I'm a dumbass, look at me!" He scoffed right as he finished.

This is why you started smokin'. This schutta.

 

[Danger Arceneau]

"You goram cocky smug son of a shutta!" she snarled out, shooting forward into a half sitting half standing position on the bed, chest heaving under her thin white shirt as she glared daggers at him.

That was when her free arm shot out to jerk the cigarra from his mouth, tossing it to the side with an angry jerk of her hand.

"I didn't ASK for your star-forsaken help! I had it under kriffin' control until your ass came in and almost KILLED ME by shooting me up with a second dose of the vaccine." She shouted at him, cheeks a bright rosy hue in her anger, eyes lighting up a brilliant emerald green.

"You want to talk about being a goram DUMBASS? How about you take a damn good look in the kriffin' mirror because it was YOU almost killed ME instead of the star-forsaken Rakghouls!"

A hand pushed at his chest hard as one foot met the ground. She was still half on half off the bed, her right knee stabilizing her for the moment upon the bedspread. Adrenaline was rushing high through her veins, allowing her the ability to focus on the target of her wrath for the moment.

"Schutta I may be, but I know for damn sure I don't need your yella bellied hide to protect my damned karkin' self from ANYTHING!"

Again another push, "So don't give me that pile of poodoo about you supposedly risking your own life for ANYTHING. Cause I know for goram sure that you wouldn't do it unless it lined your pockets with enough credits to make it worth your goram WHILE!"

"And you bet your ass you won't be gettin' ANY more from me!"

 

[Noxu Za'tire]

Noxu looked at her. That glare turned to a mock shock. "Oh crap!" came the inevitable angry start. "The princess is pissed! Oh, poodoo. We better start makin' it all better for Princess Rose!" he spewed his own anger back at her. No-holds barred. "Shut the hell up, yeah? I don't give a poodoo what you have to say 'bout me or what I do. I helped you, even after your gorram mother-kriffin' stupidity made me do somethin' I SURE AS HELL am regrettin' right now! You refused to even TALK to me! If you had the gorram guts to say ANYTHIN' to me, I wouldn't have touched you!"

The stares continued as his eyes turned red from the lack of blinking ... probably the rage. Most likely the former. The anger within built up with each push she gave and he was not about to have any more of that. Reaching forth, he grabbed the thin white shirt by the collar and pulled Danger nearly face-to-face with him.

"I don't give a poodoo about what you think of me! Get that through your dumbass thick skull and get on with your gorram life!" His eyes narrowed more and his face was even turning more red. The anger was obvious and he definitely wasn't trying to hide it any. She shouldn't have knocked the cigarra away from him.

"The LAST thing I want to do is be berated by some dumbass schutta who acts like she's the queen of the gorram galaxy! You do realize, you know, that the galaxy is a big ass place, right? How 'bout you get to the other end of it and stay the kark away from me!" With his hands pre-occupied with that grip on her shirt and the fact that he didn't want to actually hit her, he did the next best thing. He kicked the foot of the bed hard.

"I've dealt with your poodoo for long enough! Always beratin' me and seethin'! The only reason I ever dealt with it is because I LOVED you, but not now... now I know what you're really like! You're the most stuck-up piece of bantha fodder that I will EVER know!"

His eyes narrowed more but not once did they leave her own. Where they would once stare into the beauty of the emerald greens, all he would see from them now is hate. It hurt him more than any blaster shot he'd ever endured. It hurt more than that first moment he stepped onto Nar Shaddaa and was beaten within an inch of his life.

"All I did was try to help some dumbass and this is the poodoo I get for it!" Without any more words, he shoved her back onto the bed with as much strength as he could muster.

 

[Danger Arceneau]

"DON'T KARKIN' CALL ME THAT!" She blasted out to his face, ready to push him back again when he suddenly tugged her forward.

At a different time, different place, that same action would have met an entirely different response. Lips would meet, hot breath would mingle and both would quickly and eagerly claw and rip the other's clothes just to get that much more closer.

Not anymore.

Where normally the heat of his body would have stirred a well of unhindered desire, now anger licked in it's wake. Her body tensed up in her rage, chin jerked up and her hand pushing up against his chest.

"Get your hands OFF of --" That's when she gave a small gasp, the heavy sound of his foot kicking the bed startling her for a moment.

Yet it didn't do half the damage as when he said the one thing that would strike a painful cord in her.

The only reason I ever dealt with it is because I LOVED you..
... because I LOVED you...
...LOVED you.


Liar.

Moisture cut the membrane of her eyes and made them glitter just as he pushed her back onto the bed. She bounced back hard, her right shoulder hitting the wall and causing a streak of pain to run down the length of her bandaged arm. It was only her childhood training that caused her to instinctively tuck in her chin, at least avoiding smacking the back of her head against the hard wall.

Liar.

"Gahh!" she cried out involuntarily, followed by a savage curse, "GORAM IT!"

Liar.

Her chin jutted out, but her head fell forward, the long streaks of auburn hair shielding her quickening tear filled eyes from view.

"Get out," she began with a hoarse whisper.


Liar.


"GET THE KARK OUT!" She screamed at him, cradling her aching arm against her belly, telling herself that she wouldn't cry in front of him. Not anymore. Not ever. She wouldn't give him the bloody satisfaction of knowing that he could still hurt her so.

Damn him!

Damn ME!

 

[Noxu Za'tire]

The smuggler stared at her for a moment. At least, that's what it looked like. In fact, he was actually just in shock. Shock at what he'd just done. "Damn it!" were the first words to come from his mouth after snapping back into reality. Immediately after, he kicked at the ground but still looked at her. "Shit... Damn it! Fuck!" he cursed some more.

To him, there was no better way to express himself.

Reaching down, he snagged the cigarra that laid on the ground and he found it difficult to draw his attention away from Danger even as he did so. "I'm sorry," he murmured beneath his breath.

The sudden change in his attitude was and still IS shocking to his writer.

"One day,..." he continued, his voice and tone suddenly changed to that unfamiliar one of regret. "I would hope you can forgive me, but..." he took a deep breath as if trying to find the time and the words to actually finish his thoughts. "I don't ever expect you to."

That was it. He was done. Turning away, he darted out the tent and leaned up against the side of it to try to recapture his own thoughts. "Fuck... I don't want to break that promise," he cursed loud and angry enough that there would be little doubt she wouldn't hear him. "Just fly my gorram ship into an asteroid. Call it quits. What the hell good are you if you can't even keep a promise?!"

"All you do is cause problems..."

 

[Danger Arceneau]

Danger drew her knees up, swallowing hard as she dropped her forehead on top of her knees. Hot tears trickled silently down flushed cheeks as anger, betrayal, and a deep well of hurt ran through her.

She heard what he said... but what did it matter? What's done is done and no one can change the past. She asked once why... hoping, wishing, praying that he could have given her an excuse that would have explained everything.

Danger knew that all it took was to sink into those watery blue eyes like an unholy baptism and her resolve would begin to dissolve. All he had to do was say the right thing and Danger would be begging him for forgiveness.

But he didn't. Couldn't..... wouldn't.

Her jaw set and her shoulders shook. Damn him! Damn him for everything that he'd done... for what he still did...

And for what he still made her feel.