You Or No One

[Connor Harrison]

Spoiler

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgB4drXboxY

Silver Jedi Temple Gardens
Voss, Voss System

​

What was it he had said to her the last time they were together on that sun-baked ball of sand Tatooine; ”Trust in the Force.”

Trust in the Force. And then, if his fragile memory was correct, she had retorted wonderfully that although people will let you down, which was partly true, if you trusted in the Force, everything would be ok. Time to put that trust in the Force.

Leaving his Padawan [member="Syala Daivik"] with the company of others, Connor had parted from the gathering in the Silver Jedi courtyards. With the death of Grandmaster Iella E’ron leaving a hole in not just his heart but that of every other Jedi present, it was a day to remember her but a day to forge new alliances and tie threads of fragile relationships ever stronger. Silver Jedi and Republic Jedi were slowly coming together. How ironic.

The mood was sombre, but positive and hopeful; not just for the Jedi, but in memory of Iella. To keep the Light burning bright in the face of her passing, where she would be ever remembered and looking down on her family. Connor had simply reached out with the Force to her; he knew she was here amongst the crowd, he just knew.

The Gardens of Remembrance. No stalking this time Corvy.

It was a simple calling through the Force to her, and would she hear it? Only if she was here on Voss and within the walls of the Temple Courtyard.

Connor gently patted the shoulder of other Jedi as he passed them, moving through the courtyard as conversation and refreshments started to flow for all. He walked South to the Gardens of Remembrance where a statue of Iella would soon be erected and no doubt re-named in her honour.

The fauna stretched from the gardens out into the planet beyond, where the stone walls surrounding the grounds couldn’t even be seen with the lush greens, browns and rich oranges. Small streams which fed the raging waterfall away from the temple were bubbling softly under numerous wooden walkways that crossed them. Plaques were fixed onto small figurines and ornaments, each one for a fallen member of the Order – Jedi or engineer, it didn’t matter, they were all beings in the greater scheme of things.

Connor stood on a walkway, leant on the hard wood and watched the steam flow in front of him. He had lost a good friend. He didn’t have many, but those he had were valuable to him. On returning from the nightmare that was the Netherworld, his friend, more like a sister, [member="Coci Sinopi"], had told him to take life with both hands and make the most of what you can. She was right.

His blue eyes flickered around for a second as a small sigh escaped his lips. It had been too long since he last saw her, and that felt like a lifetime, and a lot could change in a lifetime, so to say he was nervous was an understatement. Yes he’d thought about her, he’d called for her to help him when danger stalked him, and now and then he wondered what crusade she was on this time; what evil she was trying to eradicate by neglecting her own safety for that of the whole galaxy. Brave, foolish, brilliant. It would just be nice to see if she was ok, safe and well. She wasn't invincible, or a emotionless droid - not most of the time anyway - she was simply human. Hopefully, his trust in the Force would be worth something.

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus stood in the courtyard, slightly embarrassed that at a time for remembering another, her thoughts had turned to her own losses. Her family, some six years ago but still fresh in her mind. She’d not attended the funeral due to the machinations of her youngest sister and almost attended her own if… Well, let’s just leave it at ‘if.’

And the recent and tragic loss of Nyx, the Boomshot queen, had hit her hard. Jedi had died before and would die again, but this happened right in front of her eyes. In a very real way she felt responsible, as if the Sith Knight had done it deliberately because of her presence. But regardless, it was hard to bear that a friend you’d help nurse back to health could have her life extinguished so quickly.

And that was Corvus thinking, not the Jedi. Since she’d met her eldest sister on Tython, she’d been opening herself up more and more to emotions as she now juggled three aspects of her life. The person, the Jedi and the GrandMaster. For the latter required her to put the first even more in the shade – although at her sister’s bidding, she was doing her best to bring all three to bear.

As she stood there, head bowed, she felt a familiar presence and a single thought. She looked up. She saw him walking and assumed he was heading for the garden’s he’d suggested. It was funny how what was once humour about who was stalking whom felt out of place. Her face tried to smile but her brain wouldn’t let it.

So she followed him south, matching his pace, and she pulled the Baran-Do robes tight around her. She was oblivious to the stone walls and the lush vegetation. But she was drawn to the small streams which fed a raging waterfall. So often with the Force, the symbolism of water felt appropriate and she imagined those that had fallen rejoining the Force in the way that the streams joined to create the torrent of water.

And then he’d stopped Connor on a walkway, leaning and watching the steam flow. His sigh was audible and she wondered how close he was to the GrandMaster. In truth she knew little about him, they’d never really talked about anything other than being a Jedi. But then that’s all she really had to talk about.

“Hello,” she offered, unsure what else to say. “I got your…message. How are you?”

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

First, her tone was that of uncertainty, distance and almost hesitation. Second, her aura was strong timid, which was understandable in the surreal surroundings she was in. Third, Connor felt like he’d been punched in the gut and wanted to rewind time to approach this far differently. Of all times and places to want to talk to her again, he had picked this.

And a ‘message’ – she didn’t deserve a message. Why hadn’t he simply gone to speak to her? She wasn’t a stranger.

”Just surviving.”

Connor patted the wooden rail and turned, leaning his elbow on it. He offered a small smile, the sort where the top lip came down over the bottom; a solemn, reflective smile with a small frown.

”I’m sorry for pulling you from the service, I just didn’t know if I’d get the chance to say hello really. It’s been a long time. You look well – how are you keeping?”

Truth was she did look well, and not really too different from parting on Tatooine, but if anything she felt a little wiser, a little more…hardened in some way. Obviously this wasn’t a time to rake up the past, but he was interested how she was doing, and at least he could try to bridge the gap after so long.

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus nodded and went to stand next to him, her gaze also falling on the flowing water. “These days, just surviving is no mean feat. I think the present circumstances point to that.”

As he patted the rail and turned to face her, she kept her eyes on the stream. “There’s no need to apologise, we rarely meet in positive circumstances. I’m either trying to destroy your temple – which was never my fault, OK, or fighting Sith or Krayt Dragons.”

Now she turned towards him, “But I never suspected either of us would die. Since then I’ve faced a lot of death – I suspect you have too. I’ve moved forwards, then backwards and nowadays I’m just not sure. The added responsibility of the Order is something I relish but it’s taking what little time I have for me and reducing it further.”

“My…sister has been a great help. I say that so you don’t wonder what you can and can’t say. She told me you suspected. But it’s a secret for her sake more than mine. She’s in great danger if people find out so only you, Kana and one Sith know. And Melori of course.” She held up a hand to intercept any question on the latter. “My youngest sister and not something I can talk about.”

“But here I am waffling on about me and my woes at a funeral to honour your GrandMaster. Sorry. Tell me, was she a personal friend?”

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Her voice was, as usual, calm and soothing and still painted pictures of her exploits so it was easy to listen as she spoke.

For the first time, maybe second, since knowing her, he picked up real emotion in her voice full of thought, reflection and even a sliver of joy, That, and her witty little remarks still made him smile with an eye roll. It sounded like the effects of taking on the Jedi she loved so much were taking its toll, and no doubt with recent events she had seen things best left unseen; so is the Jedi way it seemed - not to see the things that hurt the most, but how could you not?

And Connor looked away to lose himself in thought when the other Raaf sister was mentioned. Darth Arcanix. His back was still a painting of scars like a burnt canyon thanks to her Sith lightning. His mind had been twisted and mocked when all he was trying to do was his duty, and the fact she was related to a beacon of light such as Corvus was a surreal thought.

But...he didn't know her as Corvus did. Maybe that's all it would take to break down a wall between what a Sith is suspected of being, and what one is REALLY like. But that was something he didn't dare think about, because it was too much to contemplate. He didn't want to think about Arcanix, not now.

Her hand came up perfectly to stop him ask who Melori was - her cryptic answer left him hanging, and he would remember her name. A gentle nod was given to respect her wishes, as it seemed the once lonely Corvus Raaf was soon discovering how much of a ripple she really had stemming from her core.

”Well. All I can say is if there was ever a Jedi born to lead an Order into greatness, she's right here. Just, don't let it burn you out, ok? Not you EVER listen to my advice, but I'll tell you that for free.”

Connor waited until a couple of ambling Jedi passed, gracious nods exchanged.

”It's nice to see you under these tragic circumstances. I've thought about you a great deal, as in what you have been doing and where the recent troubles have taken you. I'm sorry you've faced dark times, really. As for me? The whole galaxy purge was just another headache if you ask me, something I didn't need or want.”

Pausing, he then turned and gestured to the garden before them.

”Master E'ron was just like this garden. Peaceful, natural beautiful and full of life. She found me out there in the wilderness and brought me here, acting like my guardian and trusting me to stand with her and the Order I soon swore to fight for and protect. She kept me in line, helped me overcome bad times and trusted me with the good times. And now her life...snuffed out in an instant and I couldn't help her. What sort of legacy is that?”

He looked at her, fingers wrapping around the railing.

”I sense pain in you too, Corvus. You cry tears for Iella, but also for yourself. How is your Order coping after everything - how are YOU coping?”

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus shook her head, “I’m too young – but I was the popular choice. And I know that GrandMaster Grayson was much younger than me when she took on the role, but for some reason we can’t seem to hang on to the experienced Jedi. They all seem to burn out too quickly and go wandering the galaxy.”

“When I think back to the Council when I first arrived on Ossus, none are truly present any more. But that’s irrelevant – all I can do is surround myself with good people and allow them to make the smart decisions. My role is to give them the opportunity to make those decisions.”

“All I ever wanted to be was a Jedi. When prodded and pushed, I accept I wanted to be a good Jedi, but greatness?” She shook her head, “We’re all equal in my eyes. But I have a responsibility now, to be that candle in the dark. So let’s just see how much wax there is, eh?” She smiled now.

“We are Jedi, if the galaxy was truly at peace we’d be doing something different, like studying or writing up histories. Or even raising dewbacks.” She laughed now, “I know, random and all that – but it was the first thing that came into my head.”

As Connor soke of Master E’ron, she smiled. “She was peaceful, naturally beautiful and full of life. That sounds like a legacy I’d like to leave. She was a beacon by all accounts and that beats a candle by some way.”

“And as for me, I am fine. Better than fine. I have a role to play and a clear purpose, and how many can say that? These past six years have taken their toll on everyone. Many didn’t make it. Our job is to make sure that nobody forgets those that have joined the Force and ensure that a new generation of Jedi come to think of us as one big family. Brothers, sisters, cousins. We may not agree on everything, families never do – but we’re there for each other when we’re needed. If that’s not worth fighting for, I’d like to know what is.”

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

As Corvus spoke, Connor held his hand out before them to indicate a slow walk was needed. Walking the gardens was a nice time to reflect, but rather than stand dwelling on thoughts, talking and walking went hand in hand as often most of their conversations did – be it Sith tombs or rolling sand dunes.

He clasped his hands behind his back and naturally followed the gravel path that would take them in a semi-circle around the gardens; through memorial statues, across the stream, through small trees arching over the path and past pretty flowers.

Connor smiled, nodded, and was fascinated with the progress she was making even after taking on so much. And the talk of dewbacks made him laugh.

”Better than Krayts that’s for sure,” he mused to himself with a grin.

He wondered how many people told Corvus the truth about her standing in the galaxy and as Jedi, because she sounded as if she would do anything to defend the Light, but with so much responsibility on her shoulders, Connor was always worried about her. Worried she would crumble under the pressure. Worried she would falter and no-one would be there to catch her. Worried she would be alone at the end when others fell and she was left leading the fight.

Pursing his lips as she reflected on their role, Connor glanced over to her and then back to the path as the sun above broke through the clouds.

”Honestly? I think, and I’m sure others do, that you are brilliant, you are naturally beautiful and full of life. I said before, if there was one to lead the Jedi forward, it’s you. I’ve never met someone like you before who makes living the life we choose so easily. I know it’s not easy, and I know you do, but you just…do it.”

He wiped his jaw for a second in thought, heart beating a little faster at his own stumbling of words.

”You’re not a candle, that’s for sure. Candles burn out in time. If anything, I am a candle. You are a beacon. Candles are lit by beacons. We follow the light they lead, and you are leading an Order to greatness. I know that for a fact, even if you’re too stubborn to admit it. It’s about time someone told you that Corvy.”

He looked over and up the courtyard where the congregation still hustled and bustled.

”Look. The Silvers and the Jedi Order are coming together. It’s the start of something great. Maybe this time of sadness will grow into something that finally helps us make sense of everything.”

Connor turned his head. ”Hope for the future. A real nice one I think.”

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus followed Connor as he walked and kept to his pace, and the thought of farming Krayt Dragons was humorous and…no, probably not sensible. At least not when they got bigger. But it bore some more thought before she dismissed it entirely.

She laughed at his compliments, “The truth is, it is easy. It’s only difficult if you want it to be. And too many try to dictate what path we should all walk. Let people walk the one that’s right for them. Show them the path you’re on, but never preach. If they like where you’re heading they will follow. If not, it was never the right path for them.”

She laughed. “I’m a candle. I’m no Yoda that will still be here in a hundred year’s time, all I can do is make the best use of the light I have available. And any part I can play in our future I will take. I said to someone recently, I’d rather be remembered by few but have left the Order more unified and stronger than be remembered fondly by many but have achieved little.”

“But enough of me…tell me about you, and my sister.”

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

He had to give a bemused eye roll, because she hadn't changed a bit. There was that by the book Jedi, dismissive of her standing in things and speaking wise words. One day he would find that Jedi chip in her head and get a good look at it, because she had the right thing to say every time.

And his eyes danced over a row of violet and yellow flowers as they rounded the edge of the garden to start coming back on where they came from, this time taking in more of the babbling brooks and stream. A couple of transports flew over head, which made Connor glance up at.

He thought about which statement to reply to first. The last thing he wanted to do, right now with emotions high, was to hurt her. He'd done enough of that in the past to those he cared for and wasn't going to let it happen to her. This time in the nightmare of recent events had made him grow up; to face responsibility of who he was and what his passion serving the Force really meant. Biting his bottom lip softly at her last question, he slowed down to come to a gentle halt by a wooden bench by a bridge, a willow tree hanging over them.

”Your sister.”

His stomach lurched again.

”Look, I don't want to say the wrong thing - she's your sister. Bound by blood, torn by duty? I don't know. We crossed paths on the Smugglers' Moon. I was tracing down a slicer using my name on the black market. For what I didn't care about but how he got my name? That, I did. Anyway it turned out there was a young girl, a Dark Side follower by her Force aura, who was after some Sith relic, a crystal I think it was.”

A little nervous laugh escaped his lips.

”My name was used by a salvager who had this relic and the girl found him at the same time I did, and then Arcanix, sorry Corvus - your sister, was there also and she was after the girl. I don't know why, but I swear toyou I didn't want to fight, I only wanted to find out what the relic was. We got into a scrape, and one of us left in one piece."

His eyes dropped a little, focusing on her hands.

”Seems every Sith I tangle with feels the need to leave a permanent reminder of my mistakes on my body. I'm fed up of making mistakes Corvy."

The self-pity was there, and he felt weak because of it. It had been so long, and Connor was sure Arcanix was nothing but a name; her sister. His mind came back to words said earlier.

”Can I show you something? The path I want to take?"

Tentatively, he extended his arm and beckoned with a small jerk of the head.

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus saw things simply. Was it a gift, or did she simply fail to understand the complexities of matters? At the end of the day it mattered little – she was who she was and if the answer wasn’t to be found in the Code or its tenets, it probably wasn’t important. Which is possibly why relationships were a mystery to her. The Code didn’t give relationship advice, so she did what she always did – she bypassed that which couldn’t be resolved.

As she gazed at the flowers, she was aware Connor was delaying. But finally he discussed her sister. She hadn’t pressed Taeli for details, only knowing she’d crossed Connor’s path. “Thanks for that and you do what you need to do. I will never, ever turn a blind eye to the greater good. To date I haven’t had to make that call but you know what I’m going to say no doubt. I’m a Jedi first, foremost and only.”

“Love is a curious thing and it no doubt makes you act irresponsibly, but if I ever contemplated putting my sister head of the Jedi, I would have to leave the Order, OK, my pragmatic approach is to avoid getting into that situation – but I’ll not stand by and watch anyone kill an innocent if I can stop it. Anyone.”

“Does that surprise you? It does me sometimes. I have met Taeli a couple of times now and we share so much in common. Do I wish she were a Jedi? Of course. If one day she takes that path and I can help redeem her, I would be delighted. If she chooses not to, I suspect I will still love her but I could never condone actions against the Republic or the Jedi. Sooner or later my convenient situation will be tested. I’m not so naïve that I don’t understand that.”

“And we all make mistakes you know.” Her eyes were still fixed on the flowers. “I let someone walk to the Sith and I could have stopped it. But I didn’t, so don’t beat yourself up about making errors. Mine was as big as they get.”

She looked up at him as he beckoned them to continue their walk. She smiled, “Is this a real or symbolic path…or both?” She straightened up and with a sweep of her arm indicated the direction he’d suggested. “Lead on.” Of course she'd never 'linked' anyone in her life, so the gesture was lost on her.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

One thing Corvus excelled at was quickly patching up the small cracks in her Jedi armor that gave way to the emotion underneath – her answers returned to the Jedi code, Jedi procedure and Jedi path. It wasn’t a bad thing, he just could feel she hadn’t achieved balance.

He felt sorry for Corvus, and dare say Taeli also. He hadn’t seen the Sith in over 5 years but she had made sure to leave a permanent calling card that haunted him to this day. But it sounded like, as with most beings, there was a soul under that dark shell that could be redeemed possibly by the love of a sister, the bond of blood; something Connor never had.

Redemption was a powerful thing, and for Corvus’ sake he hoped Taeli found it because the thought of choosing between what is deemed good and what is deemed bad…morally right or wrong…was a scary and life-changing moment. She would deal with it, that was clear from her tone of voice, but behind the eyes the sister was in there praying it would never come to that for either of them.

Connor itched his forehead with the hand of his linking arm as she missed the gesture, making him feel as stupid as a blind astromech droid in a junk yard. But, he smiled and shrugged it off. He wasn’t surprised it had gone above her.

”Ooooh you are still rather funny. And I’d say…a little of both, follow me.”

He began the walk under the flower arch and would take them to a fork in the path. Following to the right, they would walk beside more hedges and statues to a large outcrop that overlooked the rear of the grounds and out planet. Along the way, he talked about the plans to expand the Silver Jedi, how they were going to bridge the gap with the Jedi Order, and even about how he came to finally lose the greatcoat and save it for special occasions.

The streams would flow over the edge of the cliff face, guarded by the fencing, and down below would see that it formed the larger waterfall that crashed onto the rocks of a training ground below. The Temple itself was to their right.

Coming to a slow standstill, he looked out and sighed.

”I come here sometimes and just stare out into nothingness to find everything. If the Force comes from all living things, when I see this place I feel it must be where the Force comes from – I love it.”

He looked to the waterfall and pointed.

”There’s the waterfall I mentioned. Down there it’s an even more breathtaking sight. You’d look like an ant from here, but it’s so nice to see the waterfall crash around you, the light streaming through and the Temple above you – makes you feel how small you really are in the grand scale of things.”

Connor flexed his fingers on the metal barrier and pushed gently forward.

”This is the path I’m on, and I wanted to show it you. I’m following a thing of beauty, and I want to hopefully be able to follow for as long as the Force lets me, and I’ll do everything I can to do so. ”

Everything seemed to stop in his head, and so he took the moment to just…do. He turned to face her, heart beating and throat dry.

”Corvus, I want to walk my path with you. I want to be the one to stand beside you, not just as defenders of the Force, but as someone who will care for you – to comfort you and hold you when things get too much. To protect you, to be with you and even love for you who and what you are. I have done nothing but admire you from when we first me, and not seeing you recently has made me realize how much you mean to me.”

He quickly looked down, and then back up and over to the planet, a little bemused laugh escaping his lips.

”Well that’s out there now. I’d like to see you again – away from here, away from this. If you’d like to go somewhere for a drink one time, or even accompany me to Coci and Thurion’s wedding soon, I mean….if you wanted?”

A slight frown formed on his brow, not knowing where to look as his palms tightened.

”I’m so sorry this has come out, now of all times.”


[member="Corvus Raaf"]

 

[Corvus Raaf]

One thing Corvus was good at was being a Jedi. Everything else pretty much sucked. She’d let her little sister down, she’d doubted her older sister without giving her the chance to speak for herself. Oh, and she’d pretty much ignored her best friend for long periods. And people wondered why she kept her emotions under lock and key – and made limited effort to be a Jedi and a person?

When younger, people underestimated her to her advantage. Now they overestimated her it seemed and that was certainly not going to benefit her.

She took the compliment about being funny in her stride – primarily because she didn’t fully understand she was trying to be. And she kept pace and listened to the plans she was part of – to work more closely together as Orders. She was back on safer ground to be sure now and she nodded and made agreement noises in all the right places.

And only now – as he pointed it out – had she noticed the greatcoat was gone, such superficial things invariably passed her by. Its symbolism wasn’t lost on her as she felt in some way it marked a new beginning for Connor.

She stared at the waterfall as he pointed and agreed that they were all insignificant in the overall scheme of things – hence her analogy about a candle. However bright or long it burned, it was still just a candle in an entire galaxy of stars.

And she was pleased that Connor was talking about staying on the Light-path. Not the right path, but the Light-one. It was his path after all and she’d given up expressing an opinion a long time ago. She’d always found him close to the edge – but that was what made him Connor she suspected. Change that and you change him.

She smiled at his words. “Silly, you need to walk your own path. If that’s alongside mine, that’s great – but never compromise who you are for someone else. But I appreciate what you’re saying. I feel like that about my sisters and Kana of course. I feel the need to care for them and sometimes comfort them. And sometimes it’s tough love I know. Sometimes I feel almost guilty that my bond with Kana is stronger than my sisters, but I’ve known her for what, a dozen years? And there are others I can about, like Kian and my Padawans and you and...." Her voice fell away. "It’s what stops being a Jedi so lonely, eh?”

“As for drinks, you know me, I’d never say no to a shot of Corellian’s finest – if you can still find it – but you also know I don’t have time to socialise. But maybe at the wedding? Kana and I had agreed to go already – as long as there’s time for her to sort her hair out we’re fine. So we’ll see you there.”

“And don’t worry about the timing. Sometimes a loss makes you realise who your friends are. And you’re definitely a friend, so don’t worry.” She smiled again and stared at the waterfall, her voice now lowered. “Gone but never forgotten. Never forgotten, Nyx.”

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

A smile broke on his face, because again it showed how almost naïve Corvus was to things, but how in touch she was with others. It was interesting, listening to her; she revealed things he'd never known she felt, caught glimpses of a life she was starting to experience with others.

But Connor knew this was two sides of the same person he was dealing with, and he wanted to appeal to both, but to find one and please the other at the same time. She agreed to a drink, but declined it with her duty. She agreed to the wedding, but declined it with Kana. Connor made a note to introduce himself to the one he'd heard so much about.

”You speak truths Corvus, that much I know. But you're never going to be alone. And I understand how you feel about Kana, to a point. I have no family, and those close few I have are all the family I have. Blood is a bond, but there is something else out there that when it happens, it just...happens. I think.”

He followed her solemn gaze down to the white, wispy roaring water and the mention of one called Nyx. Obviously a fallen friend. Two fighters flew by overheard, trailing a streak of silver and gold smoke through the sky, catching his attention. Connors eyes fell. Maybe one day he would ask who Nyx was, but now certainly wasn't the time. He gave her a moment, and breathed in - certainly a time for reflection. And dumb bravery.

Connor moved closer a step and reached forward and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, and then he let his hand drop, taking hers and gently holding it between both of his.

”Corvus, what I said before, what I meant was something more than Kana, or Kian, or the others. I meant it in a way that - ” he licked his lip and cupped her hand in his and brought it to his lips, lowering his head slightly to kiss the back of it, ” - I want to be with you. I want to walk beside you on a path converged as one, to keep you company at all times so you never need to feel you're ever alone and to fight alongside you with someone I trust more than anyone else. Look, what I'm trying to say, is will you - I hate this term - will you...will you be my girlfriend.”

He didn't know what to say to make her understand, and it was a ridiculous phrase one never had to say out loud, but certain times called for certain action.

”I mean, I don't want to rush you - we could talk more at the wedding if you wanted time, I know this may be sudden, I am sorry.”

He looked and held her hand, and offered her a calmness in his face and stance.

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus listened. It was hard for her to explain the way she was to people. With Kana she never had to. A dozen years meant little had to be verbalised, instincts took over. And with Taeli, she felt there was a bond growing that could only come from shared genes she guessed – but it was still early days. With the others she was Corvus the Jedi almost entirely. They laughed and joked, but it was on that professional level. And it was entirely comfortable for her too.

And funnily, despite what Connor said, she felt as if she would never be alone but always be on her own. Again, it sounded right when she thought it but she could not put it into words.

She felt his hand on her shoulder. Half a dozen hugs in what, over twenty years and not surprisingly she still felt odd when touched as a friend. When he took her hand, she felt herself stiffen unconsciously.

She listened to his words and at first struggled to understand his meaning. More than Kana? But she was her best friend? Surely he didn’t think he could simply replace her in that position?

When he kissed the back of her hand she pulled it away. She didn’t mean to – but the touch was alien to her. She was here to pay respects to a fellow Jedi and in her own private way she was remembering Nyx, so the sudden contact felt odd.

She thought of Obi-Wan. He’d never had a girlfriend as Connor put it. There were women in his life that he would have left the Order for – so she could understand the concept. But her? Leave the Order? Now? She thought of Coci and her impending marriage. How she would, no was currently able to balance being a Jedi and a person – a wife and a mother.

The idea of having her own child appealed – but not now. Her brow furrowed. “Look…” she started the sentence but hadn’t thought through where it was going to go. “I mean..” She paused before continuing, reflecting on her words before she opened her mouth again.

“One day, I plan to leave the Order. I will not become a liability to the Jedi – and I know that there will come a time when I chose to become a Librarian or leave. Still study and maybe train every now and then. I even bought a place with that in mind. It’s just today isn’t that day.”

She looked at him. “What I’m trying to say in my usual clumsy way, is that it’s not about you, it’s about me. Today was a little sudden. Maybe I should have seen the signs – but then there’s kind of the proof. This relationship thing is foreign to me. You don’t get lessons at the Academy. I’m only just holding my head above water as a friend. I’m struggling to be a sister but a…girlfriend? Not now. I’m not saying not ever, just not now.”

“Am I making sense?” She searched his eyes for a glimmer but realised that even if she saw it, she didn’t know what she was looking for.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

The second her hand snapped back, Connor knew it was all too sudden – too fast and too insensitive. The pit in his stomach grew, and much like he knew when charging into battle leading others, so to had his ego charged into this without thinking about anything other than himself and his feelings.

Mere seconds ago she was mourning a fallen comrade or friend, and before than a Grandmaster, and now –

He nodded and swallowed hard, lowering his head for her not to see as his eyes danced on the gravel below and wishing he could sink down through the floor and become one with the Force right there and then. Maybe she had taken this the wrong way? Did she expect that he wanted her to leave the Order? Of course not – but Corvus had a life before anything else, and he had known that. Maybe it was just harder to co-exist alongside something she devoted her life to.

Time seemed to drag and he met her violet eyes, a look on his face that he could only imagine one would have were they feeling stupid, upset and embarrassed, but understanding.

”You make more sense than I did.”

He laughed it off and leant on the railings and looked down at the waterfall. It carried problems away and everything was clear with the raging rapids. Here was a time he wished it could carry him away and his big mouth.

”Corvus, I am so sorry. Today was…it was insensitive of me and I’ll never forgive myself.”

Forgive what? For being pathetic and selfish? The galaxy doesn’t revolve around YOU Connor Harrison .

He closed his eyes and pushed it back down. He looked at her and nodded.

”Just don’t blame yourself for being you. I understand you and what you hold dear. I always will. I would never ask you to choose the Order over me, or anyone. I’m sorry.”

He wanted to go, to be alone as was best – but he couldn’t just leave. She meant more to him than that.

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

 

[Corvus Raaf]

The second her hand snapped back she knew she was likely to have upset Connor. It was not her intention – it was all just a bit sudden…and unexpected…and other things she couldn’t think of right now.

But she afforded him silence – she knew that much was sensible. Don’t fill the gap, let him talk when he wanted to talk. Their eyes finally met. “I rarely make total sense, but I seem to get by,” she offered by way of a reply. She smiled warmly as he laughed. It sounded a brave laugh.

“No need for apologies, OK? Never, ever apologise for being you. Today was a sad day for a variety of reasons but tomorrow would be similar in most ways. What you suggest isn’t something I think about. It’s not a natural way for me to be. So I can’t forgive you because there’s nothing to forgive.”

“And I am me, and I’m OK with that – just as you should be OK to be Connor. And you never asked me to choose, you had no way of knowing that’s how I thought. One day things will change, as I said. Is it tomorrow? No. By fifty years time? Definitely. I just don’t know where between the day and the fifty years the when will be. That’s all.”

“Would you like to stay here or head back to the funeral?” The one option she would not give him was to be by himself. That was not a choice in her eyes.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Corvus was the one voice he could listen to and help make sense of things, beside his Padawan, and he appreciated her explanation and view on things.

His body turned to face her before his eyes could, partly feeling embarrassed, partly just feeling stupid. But it was out there and that would be it from Connor, he had said very much enough on a day that didn’t need it.

”Fifty years huh? Wow. I’ll come say hello in the retirement home and try again.”

A smile cracked and he gathered himself quickly, using the relief to guide her away from any uncomfortable feelings.

”Let’s head back. I am sure there are people you want to meet and who are waiting for you. I’ll have to introduce you to my Padawan too, I think you’ll like her. Yeah, me – a real Master to another now. Shocking.”

He turned from the edge of the garden and gestured with his hand to follow him returning under the arching trees and completing their circle back to the stairs to lead them to the large congregations. He opted out with the linking arm – one rejection was enough for today and if he stayed here, he would be lousy company for her and she didn't deserve that with everything going on in her mind.

”Thanks for not hating me Corvy. I totally understand, and I meant what I said. I’ll keep an eye out for you at the wedding, I think it will be a week or so from today, I can’t remember with everything, but I am sure it will be good.”

It was another meeting that would end on a nice note, and at least they knew they would both be at the wedding, because it was very rare for them actually know the other was in the same vicinity where their adventures took them.

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus smiled. The weakness of having a thermostat on your feelings is that you didn’t pick up on things like embarrassment. Which sometimes was a good thing of course.

“Hopefully not fifty years,” she added, “I suspect I’ll have outlived my usefulness long before then. Bane figured late thirties was too old for a human. And who am I to argue?”

“And I’d like to meet your Padawan. One of mine is here too – we should introduce them. We’re making inroads into the relationship between our Orders, so lets start them young. Well, younger. Actually he’s probably not much younger than me – but you know what I mean.”

Then she did something surprising – she laughed. “Why on earth would I hate you?” She quickly covered her mouth – there was a funeral going on after all. “And it would be good to see you at the wedding and later today too. If you start to run away from me I’ll go and fetch my Tusken friend to have a word with you. I think he likes you really but you wouldn’t want me to bring him as my plus one would you?” She winked. “And it will be good and you’ll be fine – you’re Connor. That’s all you need to know. Now, are you going to link me or what?”

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

With a bemused grin, he nodded and held out his arm for Corvus to link.

”Well let’s go and forge some relationships of the Jedi kind shall we, Miss Raaf.”

He started back away with her towards the far congregation, feeling a sense of achievement that he had at least introduced her to the linking of arms.

”And our Tusken friend. A’Jorg? A’Jork? No, I won’t run, far from it. And never forget to him you will always be a great worrier, and I wouldn’t want to tarnish that image of you one bit.”

He gently nudged her with his shoulder as they walked.

Around Corvus, life didn’t seem so bad for Connor for those precious few moments.

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus smiled. She counted Connor amongst her friends and she knew she had precious few of them – but that was in part by design. A lack of lots of friendships didn’t bother her. But retaining the ones she had was important to her.

So that meant life was still good. But Connor’s…honesty had her thinking. She didn’t see people the way he obviously saw her, even when she lowered the guard on her emotions. A chat with her sister was long overdue – because if she had trouble just relating to people as friends, what chance did she have against the backdrop of more intimate relationships. Her mind boggled, so she did the only thing she could – she stopped thinking about it.

“Talking of Forges, I have a surprise for the Padawans back on Ossus. I’ll tell you about it later.”

[member="Connor Harrison"]