Private Your Past Doesn't Define You [Valen Arenais]

[Caedyn Arenais]

The Silver Rest
Heart of the Order of the Silver Jedi
Meditation Chambers

​

It was that time again. Twice a week Caedyn had met with Valen Arenais since the leave of Master Amaly Naetre, continuing the work that she had been doing with the youth since his rescue back on Arcadia-N-30 by him and his Padawan Kyra Perl , they both who had stumbled upon a Cult outpost following a lead on a potential Force Nexus, where instead their search led the pair right to the enslaved boy whose Force Signature was unmistakable.

Their mission had been called off early, and after an intense fight with the Typhojem zealots, they returned to Kashyyyk where the young man underwent some tests as well as a psychological profile by Master Naetre herself. Valen had been given the clearance to become a member of the Order if he wished; that was a year ago and not an easy one as his progress was monitored by the two older Jedi up until Amaly's transition to a new branch of the Order, where Caedyn assumed the full role and like today, held many a session with the boy talking about an array of subjects relevant to both his present and his future. Valen, who knew nothing of his past.

When Caedyn had been told that his suspicions were true, given confirmation that the boy had indeed been cloned from the DNA of his Father Veiere Arenais, it had been a difficult pill to swallow and he had gone out of his way to avoid the subject in discussion with the Jedi Master for a couple of weeks back then. Over time, his shock had turned to concern, no longer for his own sake but for that of the boy's. What kind of damage could that sort of truth do to someone. Valen had wanted to know more about his parents, about what had been before Arcadia-N-30 and yet whatever damage the Cult had done to him through their workings of the Dark Side of the Force, the Silver Jedi had cleansed him of that corruption as best they could, yet not been able to assist in the recollection of his past. What he and Amaly had concluded was that through whatever facility used, the clone of his father simply did not have one prior to his life as a slave under their captivity.

It was a truth that Caedyn feared would send the boy into a darker place, already having been so engulfed in the Dark Side of the Force when they had first found him, that he had been isolated away from the other students until it was deemed safe for him to wander the Silver Rest. Caedyn had tried to tell himself that he would explain things to Valen when the time was right, yet the time had never found them, and Valen's questions had only grown more and more consistent within their meetings, bringing an element of stress to each and every interaction they shared, a weight that Caedyn often carried away at the end of the day.

Pressing his hand against the control panel alongside the chamber entrance, Caedyn activated the door and it slid open with a quiet hiss of compressed air, receding into the wall interior and bringing the sight of Valen Arenais before the Jedi Knight, the youth seated already upon one of the meditation cushions. "Sorry I'm late..." he apologized, stepping in and closing the door shut behind him, soon to find his seat opposite the Padawan; "My flight back took longer than expected" he explained.

"How're you doing today Valen?" he asked, studying the boy curiously. He looked tired.

 

[Darth Ahriman]

He hadn't been waiting too long. Not that it felt like at least.

By the time Caedyn Arenais entered the Meditation Chamber they usually met each other at, Valen had well and truly gotten himself lost within his thoughts, basically staring off through the floor as his mind had taken him somewhere else completely.

He was definitely tired. He hadn't been sleeping well at all lately with the dreams he kept having each night. Sometimes they were stuck in his head long after he had woken up, unable to stop thinking about them and where they had come from. Obviously, he had been taught a little bit about the Dark Side during his classes alongside the other Padawan, but some of the things he saw in his dreams seemed far more horrible than anything they'd researched in the archives or seen on the holonet so far.

"...-doing today Valen?"

"Huh?" he looked up to find Caedyn staring back at him. It was that same sort of stare that made Valen feel as though the man was looking for something, yet the answer never seemed to make the look go away no matter what he gave in response; "Oh nothing...-I mean, I'm good thanks Master Arenais" he corrected himself, manners being important to the Jedi and all.

It used to be that he was excited to see one of his two rescuers, despite all that happened back when they first met, to be a really big blur and not even being able to recall the ship they took to get to Kashyyyk after it all, but over time he had come to find that Caedyn didn't have the answers he was looking for. If he did, his questions always seemed to wind up leading to dead-ended conversations, or the Jedi Knight had something else he needed to do and the session was cut off early.

It wasn't like he wasn't a nice guy or that Valen didn't like him, just that their conversations always seemed to be about how Valen was doing, how his studies were going, never what he wanted to talk about or what he wanted to do in the future aside from being a Jedi.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

Caedyn gave a simple nod, remaining silent at first as he studied the young lad. Valen Arenais seemed to be somewhat withdrawn this morning, and while this wasn't particularly out of the ordinary for the Padawan if going by his tutor's reports, Caedyn himself wasn't usually met with such resistance. Not without first raising the subject of his past or his feelings regarding the present.

"You can call me Caedyn" he reminded the youth, a faint smile being offered; Despite how long he had been a Jedi Knight now, he still preferred to be referred to by his first name when one-on-one with another. Given who the Padawan was, the nature of his origins and the ties that he had to House Arenais, it was especially important to Caedyn that they were able to bridge the gap between formalities and personal friendship, yet experience and trust still needed to be built up if Valen were to let his guard down it seemed.

"I'm glad you're doing well" Caedyn continued, suspecting that wasn't the case yet not wishing to provoke the lad to become defensive with him; "Your tutors tell me you're doing especially well in your FMAT (Force Mastery and Theory) Classes" he encouraged, hoping this would encourage Valen to ease up some. It was difficult not to make the connection between Valen and the fact that Caedyn's father was a Consular, and a gifted Force Practitioner at that; yet at the same time, the Jedi Knight didn't want to put any expectations or pressure down on the boy.

It was vital that Valen be recognized and treated as an individual...-At times Caedyn questioned whether someone else wasn't better suited to this responsibility, someone distanced from his family and from his late father for fear of lines becoming blurred. On a daily basis, Caedyn felt he needed to check himself in how much time he afforded Valen compared to the other students and the possibility of becoming too emotionally invested in the lads progress and livelihood moving forward.

"It's been almost a year now since you came to Kashyyyk" he pointed out, curious to know how Valen was finding his time there with the Order. "How're you feeling about being a member of the Silver Jedi?" he asked curiously, soon to add "Specifically your progress here, your personal views on the way we live and do things. Are you happy here?".

 

[Darth Ahriman]

The news of the positive feedback from one of his classes made Valen smile a little, not much but it was enough to bring his gaze back to Caedyn Arenais momentarily. Truthfully, he didn't expect much of himself in the way of grades or academic progress but Force Mastery and Theory was his favourite class so far, enticed by the subject of the Force and the idea that everything was connected; Valen often felt encouraged by the thought that where he was today was meant-to-be and that for whatever purpose he was there for, he was somehow achieving something meaningful.

Typical of someone who had nothing to their name.

"I have enjoyed learning about the Force" he replied, albeit apprehensively. Though the few spoken words seemed to loosen his tongue some, Valen soon feeling the need to explain himself to the Jedi Knight; "It's nice to know there's something watching over us. Helping us along the way, y'know?".

It sure didn't feel like it had been a year though. Valen still felt anxious around the other students, yet to have made any real friendships and more or less keeping himself to the back of the class and study groups avoiding being called upon to answer on anything wherever possible. He was much happier to sit and listen, learn in silence without embarrassing himself.

"I guess so" he answered Caedyn's question about whether or not he was happy being there. While he wasn't what he would call happy, it had nothing to do with being on Kashyyyk or learning and living alongside the Silver Jedi. "Things are going alright.." he nodded a little, though unable to hide in his voice the fact there was more he could have said.

Naturally, he didn't want to upset Caedyn at all and bringing up the subject of his past and his family had never gotten him far in the past, yet he couldn't help but wonder how he could become a Jedi if he didn't know who he was himself. Things that he felt he could learn through those who had brought him into this life.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

Valen Arenais was proving reluctant to converse with, leaving Caedyn to assume something was either the boy didn't feel comfortable talking to him or that there was something else on his mind keeping him distracted from their usual check-in. Exhaling a silent breath, Caedyn's shoulders dropped a little as he looked to physically resign, quiet coming between the pair while the Jedi Knight considered how the lad might be feeling.

Truth be told, he couldn't really know without Valen cluing him in on things, yet it had been an arduous year for the lad and Caedyn had the reports submitted from his tutors to know that friends and social life couldn't have been what was keeping him from contributing to the meeting.

"You don't seem quite yourself today..." Caedyn confronted the fact, though speaking softly so not to come off as though he were displeased at all; Concerned was a far more appropriate term to summarise how he was feeling. "-I'm sorry if this session's caught you at a bad time. We can always reschedule if you would prefer it. I don't want you feeling like you have to be here against your will" Caedyn raised the suggestion, finding that Valen seemed to rather be somewhere else judging from his lack of openness.

For someone who had undergone such a traumatic experience, to be pulled into a new life he knew nothing of and spend nigh on a year feeling lost and alone, the boy's mental health had been regularly monitored by his general practitioner in the medical wing, another series of documentation that was shared with Caedyn when the need arose.

"I hope you know that I'm here to offer support however I can. These meetings aren't meant to be an interrogation...-I want you to succeed, and to enjoy doing so" he explained, hoping that it might take a bit of the pressure off of the boy's shoulders if that was how Valen was feeling.

Valen had been given the option to stay with the Silver Jedi, or to pursue other opportunities with the agri-corps or the edu-corps, those of which could offer a large variety of careers and lifestyles for those willing; Yet Valen had wished to pursue his learning of the Force and so Caedyn had committed part of his time to keep an eye out for the lad.

"If there's anything I can do to help, just let me know" he added, offering a slight smile in the hope of seeing some enthusiasm from the young Padawan.

 

[Darth Ahriman]

"N-No, it's not you or any of this..."

Valen spoke up quickly, not wanting Caedyn thinking that he wasn't truly grateful for all the Jedi Knight had done for him, as well as the concern and the continued interest that he had placed in ensuring that things had gone well and Valen had everything he could need to succeed in the Order of the Silver Jedi.

Voicing the real issue without feeling as though he might be asking for another lecture, however, no matter how educational and true that it would be to Jedi ideologies, Valen was all but quick to explain himself as apprehension set in and he struggled to find the words to put to his feelings lately.

"Believe me, I'm really grateful to be here, and for all you've done for me" Valen started out with those first thoughts, the need to clear the air and avoid Caedyn leaping to any assumptions; "-The Silver Rest is great and I've been really lucky to have a place here with all of you. If you hadn't found me way back then, I dunno where I'd be out there..." he said, giving credit where it was truly due and speaking honestly for the fact that things could be vastly different and not for the better.

"But. I guess I just..." he began, not getting very far before hesitating in discomfort. Emotional stuff wasn't exactly Valen's strong suit he'd found, talking about himself and trying to express himself to another live person without feeling embarrassed or ashamed of himself. His Journal was so much easy to record on, there only he had access to it thanks to his Datapad. Sure, it was all backed up on the Comport, but he didn't know about such things. Out of sight, out of mind. Ignorance and all that stuff.

"I still want to know more about where I've come from!" He exclaimed, as though the need to declare it had been building up within; "Why can't I remember my homeworld, or who my parents are. The other Padawan still have contact with their families...-Well, most of them...-But I don't have that. I don't have anyone and I don't have a clue who I'm supposed to be" his feelings came as hastily as his words, frustration and helplessness sounding in his voice for all the things he wanted to know but could not answer for the life of him.

"What kind of person doesn't even remember his own Mom and Dad..." he added, brows bunching up in a frown, turning his eyes to the floor to try and avoid showing how much it hurt having to think of such things, let alone admitting them to someone else.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

Caedyn's head lifted slightly as Valen assured him that whatever was bothering him wasn't aimed at himself or any sort of fault of the Jedi's, the older of the two smiling faintly with an appreciation of the fact, glad to know that at the very least, he hadn't done anything to insult or upset the boy.

"I'm glad to hear that..." Caedyn replied quietly between a moment of pause, while the lad seemed to wrestle with his own thoughts, alleviating none of the Jedi Knight's concern for what was clearly troubling him. It wasn't hard to guess, yet Caedyn didn't want to think things into being...

...-Yet there it was, that old familiar sting of guilt that found him every time Caedyn gave a moments thought to the truth behind Valen's medical records, or even thinking of his Father Veiere, who Force only knows what he would have made of all of this. Cloned by Gods knows who, found in the possession of Sith Cultists and at the mere age of 17, struggling to grow into his own life with no awareness of what he was, let alone who he was supposed to be.

"I know Valen..." He responded, his voice even quieter than before; "I wish I knew what to tell you..." He added truthfully. It was nice to be able to speak even the smallest amount of truth in how he was feeling over the circumstance, though he still felt it too soon to disclose the facts to the boy. Valen wasn't ready...-He was so young, emotional and undisciplined. The revelation would crush him.

"Master Naetre contacted the authorities of Arcadia in hope of trying to gain some insight regarding your being there, but we found nothing to connect you to anyone else known to them..." it pained him to bend the truth as he did, but Caedyn had to maintain the belief that he was acting in the boys best interests.

Amaly Naetre had, of course, contacted the authorities regarding their discovery of Valen, however, their intent was less for his sake and more the need to identify and trace any known associates of the Disciples of Typhojem, those responsible for his capture.

Valen Arenais

 

[Darth Ahriman]

"I know..." Valen said, his words laced with defeat; "Master Amaly told me the same thing". It didn't change the fact that he yearned to know where he came from. To have some kind of identity that was more than just...'What was'.

Were his Parents some kind of heroes or politicians, rebel fighters or something as simple as farmers; something as simple as civilian life would have been an astonishing find compared to the emptiness he had, not knowing any better. Were they even still alive, or what if they had been part of the Cult and given him up? Even if the news was disappointing, it was still better than nothing.

"We're taught that the Force has some kind of will. Almost like a plan for us right?" Valen soon asked, looking to Caedyn for further answers and insight; "How am I supposed to know where I'm meant to go in life. What I'm meant to be or do, when I don't know what kind of background I've come from?".

To be honest with himself, Valen felt like he was broken or something. Only part of what he should have been, whatever that was. Nothing he had been doing really felt right with him when he had such deeply personal questions, a longing he could not turn off or silence no matter how much he tried.

"When I first got here things were a blur. I was sick or something, the nurse told me it was post-trauma or something, but I'm not like that now. I'm better again and can think clearly...-But now that I can, it feels like I've lost something...-Or that it's missing. I can't explain it, I just feel like I can't know myself without finding my parents or whatever family I have out there. There's got to be someone, surely...".

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

"I believe it does, yes" Caedyn responded on the notion of the Force, that it had a will and that he believed everything happened for a reason, designed by a purpose beyond their comprehension; "Through the Force we are connected to all living things, and those like us who are able to use the Force, to see and to feel through an extension of our natural senses, we are able to see that connection that we have with one another. Our peers within the Silver Rest for example. Your fellow Students" Caedyn spoke, leading to a suggestion and hopefully an offer of reassurance for the boy, "So perhaps you are not entirely without a sense of family and belonging as you might be feeling at the moment?".

Caedyn had received several reports from individual tutors that Valen had displayed a certain distance and habit of isolating himself from the rest of his classmates. Over time it had been his hope that the lad would learn to adapt to the social climate of the Silver Rest, to learn to trust and bridge the gap between him and his peers, to make friends and to grow alongside them. It seemed to be proving difficult for him, however, and while most young students did eventually form close bonds with their fellow classmates and trainees, Caedyn had a suspicion that Valen's reluctance was largely a consequence and result of the trauma he had suffered on Arcadia-N-30.

"I know this will be no consolation to the answers you wish to know but there are others who entered into the Jedi Order at such a young age that they don't recall their parents or family either. My father happened to be one of those people, inducted at the age of five, whose parents had no contact from the time he entered the Order. Believe it or not, this can be quite common among Jedi" Caedyn informed him, finding it somewhat strange and also a little ironic that Veiere and Valen both had this fact in common. The Force had a strange way of twisting fate in such ways, or perhaps willing it.

 

[Darth Ahriman]

When Caedyn mentioned his Father, Valen gaze lifted slightly. Up until now, the Jedi Knight had never spoken about his own Family, or any personal information pertaining to a life beyond the Silver Jedi Order for that matter. While it was true that Valen would have preferred to know of his own parents, the notion that there were others in the same position as he was, was indeed encouraging as well as the fact that Caedyn had opened up a little, leaving him intrigued to wonder what the parents of a Jedi Knight would've been like.

From his point of view, young and inexperienced, a qualified Jedi Knight like Caedyn or his peers within the Silver Jedi Order were powerful force users, so much so that it was almost intimidating how much Valen didn't know by comparison. While Caedyn had never exactly said how long he'd been a Jedi for, Valen found it easy to imagine the man's whole life had been spent there within the Silver Rest, and maybe even being taught by his own parents if the man's father was anything to go by, judging from what little he had been told already.

"Your Dad was a Jedi as well?" He asked rhetorically, repeating the fact as a means of voicing his thoughts and acknowledgement of what he'd been told; "What was he like? Did he ever want to find his family?" Valen asked, wanting to know that his situation wasn't an isolated one.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

"His name was Veiere....-He was well regarded among Jedi, and a powerful Consular" Caedyn answered, smiling faintly as he described his Father; "He was a far more capable Jedi than I am. He had his faults but he never stopped trying to make up for his mistakes, and overcome his weaknesses. Eventually, he reached the title of Jedi Master and found his place among the Assembly here".

It was difficult to speak of his father while seated before a younger vision of the man who had passed away some years ago. Valen had no idea of course, looking ever so curious about the man who had helped to raise the Jedi Knight.

"Veiere had a brother named Bastin, older than my father and the only one of the two who remembered their parents. Veiere once told me he used to wish he remembered his Mom when he was a youngling but eventually he grew out of it and learned to focus on his training and his Master instead. I think she sort of filled that gap in his life".

Caedyn fell quiet for a moment after that, thinking about Valen's situation and wishing he could help alleviate the boy's sorrow somehow. Given their mutual connection, the Jedi Knight wished he could encourage the lad to think of Caedyn in a familial sense, yet it'd likely come off as unexpected and too forward to soon given that the boy had no idea they shared the same blood.

"My father was proof that one's past doesn't define their future though. Like you, he knew nothing about his family, and yet he still fought hard to become one of the most well recognized Jedi Masters of the last generation. What's happened in the past, is done. You are the key that opens the doors to your future Valen, and the only one to stop you or slow you down is yourself and how much you allow your fears and emotions to limit your potential".

 

[Darth Ahriman]

Caedyn's family sounded larger than Valen had expected for a Jedi, although these days it wasn't uncommon, it was just that the Jedi Knight had been trying to guide the boy away from searching for evidence of his own while having exactly the kind of background and people there for him that Valen himself yearned for.

"I guess..." Valen replied sounding unconvinced. He knew what the Jedi Knight was trying to say and sure had Valen been like one of the other students then it might have even made sense to him, yet there was an edge of doubt that hung about the lad that seemingly couldn't be shaken.

"He obviously knew his Brother though huh, plus he made his own family in the end" Valen pointed out, unable to ignore what he thought were holes in Caedyn's attempt to steer him away from his need to find answers.

"I get what you're saying, don't get me wrong" Valen added after a moment of silence between them, not wanting to insult the Jedi, or come off as though he were unappreciative; "But I still need to know...-I need to know why I was treated so horribly by those Disciples of Typhojem. Or even how I came to be with them. I mean...-I have this hole in my head where my memory of what came before all that should be..." Valen continued, speaking with his feelings.

Caedyn would sense that he wasn't about to let the past go without a fight.

"How do we know that my family wasn't part of the group?" He asked, the question rhetorical more so than anything, having thought about it a lot over the recent weeks; "And what if they were part of the group that you had to fight. They could be dead and I'd never know better".

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

"They weren't among that group, Valen" Caedyn replied, confidence sounding in his tone for he knew it to be the truth. The fact was that wherever Valen had come from, those responsible hadn't been at the outpost, it had been a forward operating post and there was no hint of cloning technology anywhere near the scene...-Of course, this wasn't something he would tell the boy; "No parent would volunteer their child to slavery, let alone watch them go through life caged and mistreated like you were. Your medical records painted a very clear picture" he explained, speaking the truth from a certain point of view.

Valen was strong-willed and determined, that much was clear, It had been a year now and the lad hadn't let it go. Caedyn wished that he couldn't understand, that he couldn't see the justification behind the boys needs to discover the truth...-But a year of training hadn't provided him with the discipline or the knowledge that Caedyn felt Valen could safely traverse the terrible truth behind his origin. Valen desired to find his identity through the concept of family, and yet to discover that he was a Clone...-What sense of purpose would he take from that? Would it drive him back to the very darkness that the Healers of the Silver Rest had cleansed him of upon his first month there?

"I'll tell you what..." Caedyn began, pausing to consider how to word the promise before continuing, "When you become an Apprentice and have a few more years under your belt, a real grasp of what it is to be a Jedi, then I will help you to venture out into the Galaxy and discover the truth. Every ounce of it" he tried to force a smile, a wary one but one none the less. He would be there to guide Valen through the hard times, but not until the boy was truly strong enough to fight his way through to the other side.

Caedyn had seen his Father lose himself to the decline of his mental health, and he feared the same thing happening with Valen.