Private You made me an offer but I didn't get a chance to refuse...

[Caltin Vanagor]

“It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.” - Albert Einstein​

Hoth was not a place he wanted to be, it is not that it was cold or anything, that did not bother him. After all, Caltin had spent so much time on the iceball that is Yavin VIII, the thing about Hoth is that it was once and more or less is still a starship graveyard. Though the husks and fuselages are snowed over for the most part they are still visible. Even the Republic’s “Star of Coruscant” can still be made out from the sky. This all was well and good, a nice little history lesson from primary school students, and a great field trip for secondary but it reminded him of Rhen Var where he was shot down.

Oh well.

The fact is, he was not here for a trip down educational memory lane, nor was he here to get over his past, that was why he repurposed his crashed ship into a safehouse. No, Caltin was not even here for any “Jedi” or “Light Side” or even “Force” related purposes. Right? The truth is he did not know the real answer as to why he was here. It would depend on the person that the big man was here to see.

Vanagor did not know if his purpose was on the planet either. Sure, that familiar tone was calling to him like a beacon and getting more poignant the more he stayed on course, but the big man was still learning this new way of following a path. Even if the hermit was there, would he see Caltin? After all the last time the two were in the same vicinity (his aforementioned safehouse), he just left abruptly. There was definitely more to what was there and that visit, otherwise, he would be deaf to the call of his destiny. Heh, Destiny is… an interesting word that he never truly believed in.

He held no ill will towards the abrupt departure, in fact, the big man did not blame him at all for how things went down. He simply wanted to follow up and give him the chance to say what he wanted to say and make any case that needed to be made. If he would be turned away then he would be turned away, simple as that. Either way, the Hermit would be able to make his offer, if he still wanted to. Caltin was a fair man in that regard, he would want that chance if in the same position, so he would ensure it was given. Funny how many out there today do not do that same.

It took the better part of the day, but the massive wanderer found the Y-wing that he was looking for and set down. It took a minute to gather his gear and put on his thermals (no matter the weather, he HATED robes, they itched). The cargo bay doors and the intense flash of bluish-white snowfall and landscape forced another minute for his cybernetic eyes to adjust. He didn’t need goggles, he could see just fine in the snow.

Setting off, the walk was not far and he was at the entrance. This was not what he was expecting, not that Vanagor was expecting anything good or bad, but this was definitely new.

So, you had a “business” offer?

Jend-Ro Quill

 

[Jend-Ro Quill]

Much like Caltin, Quill hated robes with an unseemly passion. Leaving the Jedi a couple of years back, he'd finally given himself permission to get rid of all the robes in his trousseau. Today he was out front shoveling, dressed much as he'd been on Rhen Var: coveralls, gloves, boots, warm shapeless hat. Last night's fall had choked the old enclave's doors with a meter of drift.

He wedged the shovel in the nearest snowbank as Caltin came up the slope.

"I did at the time," he said, "but don't worry, I took care of it. Come on inside, I'll put on some caf."


Caltin Vanagor

 

[Caltin Vanagor]

He did indeed follow the old man in, funny, "old". Caltin was technically...

They get it. Move on.

Anyway, the inside was again "not what he expected". The big man had seen the Rhen Var palace, the old Ilum Temple ("OLD" Ilum Temple) and he had pretty much gauged his future experiences on them, but it was clear that Quill did not mess around when it came to this. The hermit had outdone himself on how well he was set up here. It was not a palace by any means, but did it need to be? No, he clearly had all he needed and more and that was something that Vanagor could admire. He was not looking for a life of solitude, but he could clearly see how well someone could do on an iceball such as this.

Or Rhen Var...

... damn...

Pulling off his overshirt, the big man hung it up by the entry and looked to take an out-of-the-way seat.

I will not make mention of it past this observation, but I wanted to apologize for not giving you the chance to explain when last we saw each other. I do not apologize for my actions towards the others, they have earned my attitude towards them. You did not deserve it spilling over towards you. If it did.

Jend-Ro Quill

 

[Jend-Ro Quill]

Close to the entryway of the bare stone hermitage was a low-tech library with a comfortable rug, the only place where you could walk around barefoot. Quill promptly did so. He stuffed his boots and gloves into a stone shelf and made for the caf machine.

"Sit anywhere," he said absently, gesturing at a circle of well-used armchairs. Any number of Jedi and other Light-leaning Force adepts had come through here (albeit not all at once). The shelves overflowed with strangely-shaped books and crumpled scrolls, most of them representing the wisdom of nonhuman species. Some Jedi material, certainly, but not much.

"I should tell you," he said with his back turned, as the caf maker began to hiss, "one reason I had trouble figuring out how to communicate with you, a reason I left. It's like you're running out of time. You...charge ahead on uncertain ground, make broad assumptions about what's going on inside others' heads and hearts. I need to be gentle about this: please don't assume what I feel or what I think."

He brought over a tray — the caf pot, two mugs, little steel pitchers, an opened packet of sweet wafers.

"It wouldn't be an obstacle if you got it right once in a while, but speaking for myself, and I'm sorry to be blunt — when you guess what's happening inside my head, you've been wrong every single time. It's baffling and my instinct is to clam up, heh, withdraw. So I just hope we can dispense with that and have a nice chat. Tantaun milk? Sugar?"


Caltin Vanagor

 

[Caltin Vanagor]

“Write drunk (on emotion). Edit sober (on rationality and intention).” - Faulkner​

Fair enough. It is a facet of my personality and self that has annoyed me for a long time, but it is what I do. I just ask that in the future, do not feel that you need to be gentle about anything when it comes to me. I may be a blunt instrument myself, but I get what I give.

It was a fair statement he made, and one that Quill had a right to make. True, there was more to what was going on and Vanagor did address that it was not necessarily Quill to whom he was speaking (not to mention the fools trying to rob him still being there), but he was not wrong in his observation. So that was that. Now that this was over and done with they could move on.

Taking a cup, he secretly cursed an old friend to Mustafar (jokingly) about this. Before he met her, the big man had never liked caf. Yet now, he cannot get enough of it, especially iced with a hint of Corellian hazelnut.

I guess it is still just strange for me. My entire life as a Jedi was about combat and searching out those who would do us harm before they could reach a Temple, you know? I was not the “Sword”, or the “Shield”. I was the “Vanguard” for so long. Now? Now, it just seems old. As old as I technically am. I don’t have a problem falling back into my old ways, but a voice in my head misses what I had. You know?

With a shrug, he took a sip, wanting to move on from the conversation, like this point in his life, but not really knowing how.

Jend-Ro Quill

 

[Jend-Ro Quill]

At Caltin's agreement, Quill relaxed somewhat. He took his own caf warm, not hot, due to a quarter of the mug being straight tauntaun milk. No sweetener. He sank into his preferred armchair across from Caltin.

"Perhaps you need what I needed," Quill said. "I don't make a habit of trying to lure Jedi out of Jedi-hood, but leaving did wonders for my mental equilibrium. Ethical decisions are difficult enough without half a dozen competing Jedi narratives of What Should Be. And not just trolley-problem, in-the-moment ethics, I mean big questions about where I should spend my time if I want to help people, be responsible."

He'd sipped between phrases; now he set the mug aside and went to a shelf.

"I have no particular agreement with the dark side," he said over his shoulder, "but I do find value in understanding why Sith believe what they do. Ah, here it is."

He presented Caltin with an unassuming, leather-bound book as he resumed his seat and reclaimed his caf. "This is 'Principles and Ethics of the Dark Side,' edited by Velok of Toola, known as Velok the Younger. If you turn to the bookmark, there's a marked passage from the editor's note."

Identify the kind of behavior you find contemptible, and avoid it. Personally, I feel great contempt for sneering arrogance, craven backstabbing, outright cowardice, preening, petty spite, and grasping insecure insatiable possessiveness. I strive to avoid these qualities, as I would prefer not to feel contempt for myself.

"What's the saying? Even a broken clock is right twice a cycle?"


Caltin Vanagor

 

[Caltin Vanagor]

“Learn continually. There is always ‘one more thing’ to learn.” - Steve Jobs​

He gathered the journal into his hands and took in the passage. It’s funny that it reminded him of Chrysa, but it also reminded him of Aliandra and Darth Baltha. Those debates were interesting, not just because they were between dances of lightsabers but it was still an interesting series of conversations. This reminded him of such and also reminded him of how most (not all) of the Jedi seemed to be closed off to the idea of actually talking to people and not just at them.

Reading the quote, and then thumbing slowly through some of the pages, he clearly was intrigued by what the text had to offer. Anyone who knows him knows that this was not some fascination with the Sith, or the Dark Side, or anything like that, no, he was interested in finding the truth to things. As the truth, he was about to extoll on the Sith themselves.

Anyone who has gotten to know me long enough knows that I made no practice of or apologies for following any “Code”. I did take heart to read and pay mind to the tenets of the Jedi. Not necessarily “lax” in comparison but more space to allow for personal interpretation. What I had never told anyone before today is that it was a Sith who turned me onto this. It was a conversation with him, a pure-blooded Sith of all people.

It was his turn to take a sip in between phrases.

He told me of how his ways, his name, had been twisted. How a truth Sith was only concerned about “Honor” and “Integrity”. He went on about being a Sith was about forging your own path, being your own person, evolving for yourself. Not about power or about fear. It took speaking to him to make me look at other ways.

While he went back to looking at the journal and sipping his caf, he clearly was looking to continue this conversation.

 

[Jend-Ro Quill]

"That's certainly true, at the heart of it." Quill slouched in his chair, cradling the warm mug. "I mean, at the heart of Sith philosophy, not that most Sith understand or care about the deeper doctrine. A Sith Empress once said that...how did it go...being a Sith is about identifying what you want most and sacrificing absolutely anything to get it. Overcoming everything, internal and external, that stands in your way. There are obvious ethical problems, it's monstrous in its way, completely amoral — but it's not exactly depravity for depravity's sake, is it?"

He gestured vaguely. "This Sith you knew. This was....when were you born, again, before your frozen sleep? Eight, nine hundred years ago? I don't suppose this person left a journal or a holocron of some kind?"


Caltin Vanagor

 

[Caltin Vanagor]

“Never stop learning because life never stops teaching.” - Lin Pernille​

He wasn’t wrong in his assessment, and there was much that Caltin had agreed with him about. Should he share his current opinion? Or should he wait? Waiting would probably be the more prudent move because he had already been wrong about him and bringing it up now may spoil the camaraderie that was being built here. It was not a bad thing, but the big man did not believe that there were two sides of the Force, there was just the Force itself. That was not a popular opinion.

You’re not wrong. Darth Baltha was a warrior at heart and only wanted to evolve, not a bad thought, his thing was an evolution through conflict. So yeah, there was a lot of fighting, but like Velok, he had a sense of honor. Almost like attacking anyone that was not a warrior themselves was insulting to him. That was one of the things I admired about him. Heh, if a Jedi (at the time) could admire a Sith. Right? This was indeed about nine-hundred years ago.

Taking another sip, he listened to the question.

I do not know that know whether he did or not. However his personal Temple, in a manner of speaking, was on Rhen Var. I know where it is located, unfortunately, time, crime, and grime have affected it. Interested in looking for it someday?


Jend-Ro Quill

 

[Jend-Ro Quill]

Caltin Vanagor

"I could see that. I'd need to, ah, prepare...I don't enjoy places like that, struggle with it. But yes I'd like that. Mostly I'd like to hear the guided tour, hear about the man behind the monolith. Baltha, you said? I don't have much Sith material..." Quill gestured broadly at the shelves. "...but I'll have to look through my few relevant sources and see what I can see.

"Sad to say I haven't, ah, run into many Sith worth respecting myself. Too many reaver cults, too many bad days." He grimaced. "Too many bad choices on my part. A few years before I left the Jedi, I happened to be in a refugee camp when the Sith Empire's proxy cult attacked. Butchery. I ended up killing many of them without hesitation and with anger in my heart. It was not an experience or situation I would ever repeat. Not the main reason I left the Jedi, but it certainly added, what's the phrase, weight to my shelf. I needed to find healthier paths for doing good."

 

[Caltin Vanagor]

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” - C.G. Jung​

”The most difficult truths are the ones we learn about ourselves.” He thought to himself while nodding. The big man was built for combat, it was his life and he made little to no thought about it. Even now, as he was admitting that he felt that it was “old”, he did not truly see himself changing. So when he listened to Quill recall a time that changed him to his core, the big man massive wanderer could understand.

If it makes you feel any better, Baltha was the only one to whom I could claim respect. Out of the many that I have come across, many of them looking for me, even before, I could see how the beliefs were all twisted. It made me look at the Jedi Code in much the same way. Did “we” twist the original intentions of the Jedi? Are “we” simply afraid of being afraid? It wasn’t what drove me away, but I did look inward for a long time.

He then pulled out a datapad and offered it to the elder. The information on it was a journal of the man to whom he was sitting across. It was a document of almost everything Vanagor was recalling.


@Jend Ro Quill

 

[Jend-Ro Quill]

Caltin Vanagor

Quill leaned across and snagged the datapad. He flipped through, not even skimming, just getting a feel for what the document was. Given time he'd read it in depth, maybe file it with the library if Caltin allowed it.

"I'm sympathetic to the idea of twisted and diluted intent," he said slowly, "and there's no doubt the Jedi way has shifted radically at least four times in the last millennium, out of necessity but also the strongest voices' preferences. The Jedi legacy is what the individual Jedi of their generations have made of it. And that's the point at which I don't think original intent matters much anymore, both because impact matters more than intent, axiomatically, and because any responsible organization led by responsible people does need to adapt to radically changing circumstances.

"So my question, from a former Jedi to one on the edge, is this: what would a worthwhile order look like, based on today's needs?"

 

[Caltin Vanagor]

He had to think about it and in case there was a possible hint that the Hermit might think that Vanagor was ignoring him, the agape mouth and the saucer plate eyes should explain quite well. There was nothing that Quill said that was not correct, every generation of Jedi Order expanded and morphed to fit into the current time period. This was no different. It took some time to come up with an answer but he did, there was no way of coming up with something that did not raise another question.

I guess that is the 75 million credit question, isn't it? There's never going to be a perfect answer but if there were then there would be no need for a Jedi order because there would be the peace that they strived for. However, if I were putting one together, I would take the best qualities from each current "Orders" out there. I would take the tradition that the Silvers believe in. At the same time, I would take the commitment that the Ashla cult has but seeing the galaxy the way it is, and taking some of your observation, I would take the open mind that the NJO offers. Not perfect, but there is nothing out there.

@Jend Ro Quill

 

[Jend-Ro Quill]

Quill nodded, nodded — and twitched.

"I need more context on the Ashlan Crusade. I don't know near enough about them. What little I've heard, out on the edges of the Scar Worlds, suggests a complex picture with a few...elements that..."

Unsettled, he slurped at his caf.

"Punishment. Perhaps not the same as the NIO crucifying people, but perhaps...commonalities." He glanced at his shelves. "Too many gaps in what I really know. Have you fought alongside them? What sort of behavior do they get up to out there in the dark edges when the days get hard?"

Caltin Vanagor

 

[Caltin Vanagor]

Now it was his turn to twitch as he formulated a response. As he thought about the change in his little sister Ala Quin , not just her personal growth but her difference in apparent mindset from as long as he had known her to the last time they had seen each other the talk was true. However, should he say that without it being more than conjecture? When he trusted his gut he was right (except when it came to Quill) more often than not but she would want a chance and therefore deserved a chance to explain her side.

From what I have seen, they are militant in their approach to their beliefs in the light side in the Force. They do not fight as a last resort, they "shoot first and ask questions later". I know someone who is among them. She's... changed.

Haven't we all.

Jend-Ro Quill

 

[Jend-Ro Quill]

"What's the old line? A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never attack? I wrestled with that quite a bit when I was a Jedi. Not just the usual questions of necessity, but our self-image, yes? Who I think I am?"

Restless, he deposited the empty mug beside the caf machine and vanished into the shelves.

"I tried to assassinate Tathra Khaeus once, the Bryn'adûl patriarch. Went to find and kill him. Shelved the ethics, stilled my conscience. Because a starry-eyed Jedi strike team was about to come looking for him and die. Years back and I still don't know if I made the right choice. Your thoughts?"

Caltin Vanagor

 

[Caltin Vanagor]

“Catch up with your past before it catches up with you.” - Robert Palmer​

Caltin nodded at the Bryn'adûl name. He did not like the sensation, but it was what it was. This is probably the setting off point for the changes that he has recently gone through but the big man still tried to just move on. That meeting on Sarka was one that completely threw him off of his game, he lost focus, he lost meaning, and he lost his sister.

”Tathra Khaeus” I know the name well and wish that I did not. Not for what he and his followers unleashed on much of the galaxy but what he had done to my little sister. The one I told you about in the Ashlan Crusade. We were both coming out of hibernation, or stasis. We had been close since our days as Padawans, and…

He shook his head.

… the whole “attachment” thing… probably what made me wonder in the first place when we connected. The thing is, probably one of my first and only memories of my father was him making me promise to “always do the right thing”. Well, it did not always jive with the Code. You know?

He too finished his cup.

I haven’t changed. I don’t blame the galaxy for changing, I just don’t see why I need to in order to have a place in it, I guess.




@Jend Ro Quill

 

[Jend-Ro Quill]

"I'm sorry about your sister. The Bryn'adûl left so much damage behind, in so many ways."

Quill emerged from the shelves with a hard tube like an artist might use for a canvas, but shorter and fatter. He uncapped the tube and shook out its contents — carved nearly-straight sticks — on the carpet. They made a tall, loose jumble.

He'd kept back a few sticks. Now he tossed one on the pile. It caught and held at an odd angle, supported by few other sticks.

"These are Ithorian meditation aids. Priests of the Mother Jungle make them from dead wood and only dead wood." He pointed at that stick on top, the precarious one. "I think, perhaps, you're mourning an old fit — how others respond to you, which others you engage with and on what terms. Do you need to be a differently-shaped shape to find a place, like you're talking about? Do you need to toss the sticks again and find yourself in a place, a mode of interaction, that's a better fit? Or is it both?"

He crouched and gathered up the sticks by hand, put them in the tube, and held out the whole thing to Caltin Vanagor

"I've had a strange idea. Cast the sticks, intuit what you can. I'll be right back."

He headed for the shelves again.

 

[Caltin Vanagor]

“The quality of your thinking determines the quality of your life.” - Boris Pasternek​

So, he was going to take this tube of sticks and shake them out? No, wait, the big guy had to hold onto one or two and throw them onto the pile and whatever came out? Sigh Never let it be said that the big man was not willing to try anything once.

Throwing the sticks down they settled into a simple stack with some laying outwards in an odd pattern. The remaining sticks he dropped seemed to cross each other. Sitting quietly he looked at the pattern, how they seemed to intersect. After a few moments, another being was sitting across from him. It was Vanagor, or at least when he was younger. The big man was wearing his traditional Jedi gear.

Strange to be sitting here, eh, old man? Ridiculous, a man who dedicated his life to the right thing is having a hissy fit. You’re not who I thought you were. You’re so different now.

I haven’t changed. I've always been this way. This is the way of the galaxy now but I am who I am and always will be. I am no different from you.

Yeah. Keep telling yourself that. Keep believing that the galaxy owes you a spot in it.

Just like that, he was gone.


@Jend Ro Quill

 

[Jend-Ro Quill]

"So it turned out to be a bad idea," said Quill as he shuffled back in. "Forget I said anything. Oh, you tossed the whole bundle!"

He held his tongue on the verge of asking what Caltin Vanagor had learned or intuited or seen. None of his business. Instead he crouched and gathered them up to put them back in their cylinder.

"You should stay. Spend a few days browsing the library, getting to know the wampa villages. I can't promise to be good company, or even company at all, but this place has brought me authenticity and it seems uncharitable to keep it to myself."