Bad Day

[Kurt Meyer]

[member="Jamie Pyne"]

His heart sank. "But I do love you."

The words were silenced, half muted, and true. Kurt couldn't think of anything more true in fact. He knew that she had a point though. He knew that she was telling the truth. What was she going to do? What would she feel every time she looked at his child. He frowned for a moment, looking up at the ceiling because he simply couldn't bear the weight of looking at her. He felt his heart break, and Kurt wasn't quite sure whether it was the physical or emotional weight of what had happened.

"What if it isn't mine?" He asked quietly. Perhaps she thought it was a lie, but it wasn't. "There's a chance."

Desperation set in now.

He could understand her point of view if the kid was his. Despite his tendency to run they both knew that Kurt would never run from his own child, and they both knew that he wouldn't leave Kaile on her own. He wasn't that kind of person. He was an idiot, but at heart Kurt was a good person. "I'm not making excuses. I'm not...I'm not trying to justify anything...I just...I."

Kurt's voice broke, cracking.

"I don't want to be without you." He continued on, hands fidgeting.

 

[Jamie Pyne]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuijXg8wm28​

​

Right before your eyes,
I'm breaking, no past
No reasons why,
Just you and me

This is the last time I'm asking you this,
Put my name at the top of your list,
This is the last time I'm asking you why,
You break my heart in the blink of an eye, eye, eye​

​

She finally broke. The tears had built before, but hearing him continue to say those three words shattered her composure into thousands of irreparable pieces. Her face turned into a watery, contorted mess. The ability to hold back balling her eyes out finally faltered. Never before had she felt so much emotion, never felt so much pain, not even the pain of that night back on Bastion compared. The crowding darkness of death surrounding her. Not even that was comparable to the pain she felt now. She even felt half silly for wanting to live to see him again. Her thoughts found their way to her lips, tearing free of their mental prison she had kept them locked away in.

"I wish I never made it through Bastion. At least then I'd have died under the impression that things were okay."

Holding out hope that it wasn't his was about as reasonable to Jamie as claiming to have the winning numbers to the galactic lottery.

"You are making excuses! Just stop it, it's over! Everything's over! Just go back with her. You obviously cared enough about each other to risk it regardless! It doesn't matter what I want, or what you want now, does it?"

The last few words fell almost ghastly quiet, echoing off the walls of the room.

[member="Kurt Meyer"]

 

[Kurt Meyer]

[member="Jamie Pyne"]

"Jamie..." Kurt said quietly.

What was he suppose to say.

"I love you." There he went again. "I do. I'm not making excuses. I'm not telling you what to do, I'm not even asking you for forgiveness."

He really wasn't, he was just asking for her to understand, maybe...maybe give him some time. His voice was calm, steady, controlled. "Of course I care about Kaile. She's my friend...but she's not you. I love you. I'm not making excuses."

Kurt went on again.

"Everything that happened with Kaile. Everything happened before we were together." He really was honest about that. "This child...It really might not be mine. I'm just asking you..."

For a second he drifted off. "I'm just asking you to think about this. I love you. I know you love me. You can say...think...I'm lying to you, but I've changed since we've been together. You know what I was before...I've never tried to hide it or lie to you about it, but I've not even looked at another woman since I've been with you. I care about you more than anything in this galaxy and that's the truth. I would fly through the nearest quasar just to see you."

He just wanted her to understand.

"I'm responsible for my decisions." He would own up to that. "But I can't change what I did in the past."

Kurt stayed quiet for a second more, then continued. "I can't change that this child might be mine, I can't change that fact, but I'm telling you, I never cheated on you. I never slept with anyone else while we were together. I have never loved anyone other than you."

 

[Jamie Pyne]

Hearing him say that again and again was like being stabbed by Villa over, and over, and over again. Every single time he said it was like another thrust of her knife into her side, spreading poison through her veins.

"Don't you get it? It doesn't matter. Nothing matters!" She pulled at her hair in frustration. "What is there to think about Kurt?! Huh?! Tell me!" Her voice was a near shrill by this point, streams of black mascara creating its' own darkened river along her cheeks now. Whether or not he cheated on her was hardly the sticking point of the conversation. No, that was simply an unfortunate addition if it were true. The fact of the matter was that Kurt having sex with Kaile wasn't exactly the issue at hand, it was that he was the father of the child that resulted from that decision. "You can't change what you did, and I can't be a part of that life you've created. I can't! Every time you leave and you're alone I'll worry about you two. Does she have feelings for you? Does she want to be with you? Will she try to make you hers? What if something happens?"

She stood up, wandering towards the window, looking out towards the sky as if the Force itself might somehow give her clarity. "You're asking me to throw aside all of that, all of those fears, and stand beside you while you live your life with another family? That's not fair, Kurt! Why should I have to do that!? And just to entertain you, even if this child has a chance of not being yours, somehow, you want me to wait around for weeks in limbo to maybe see if it's not yours? And then if it turns out it is, then I'm right back into the same exact position!"

Jamie turned her head back towards Kurt, briefly shaking with a roll of her shoulders. Her voice was meek when words found their way to her lips.

"Nobody forced you to have sex with someone you didn't love. I don't know what more to say."

[member="Kurt Meyer"]

 

[Kurt Meyer]

[member="Jamie Pyne"]

"You're not entertainment to me!" It was the first time he'd raised his voice during this conversation. The fact that she had said that...that she had used those words stabbed right at him. He couldn't help but latch onto them. She was so much more than that, she was so much more than a source of entertainment for him.

Kurt worried about her more than he worried about his parents. He loved her, cared about her. She was the first girl to break through that veil, the first girl that convinced him that maybe...just maybe it was worth sticking around. That was significant, more so than he could ever put into words. Maybe she didn't quite understand that, maybe through her own logic she saw him still as writing her off as something...less than Kaile. He could see it, but...well she was so much to him.

"You're not." Kurt said more quietly. "You're everything to me."

He sat for a moment, then went on.

"I don't know what I'm asking you to do. I don't have any right to ask anything of you, but...I love you. I care about you. I want to be with you. Not Kaile, not anyone else. I want you to be my family." He knew where she was coming from, it was understandable, but to Kurt...well to Kurt Jamie wasn't something that he could just let walk away.

 

[Jamie Pyne]

"Stop SAYING those words!" She shouted at an incredible volume, hand tearing forward through the air as everything inside of and including the cabinet itself along the wall was torn from its place and thrust through the air into the door on the opposite side of the room, smashing on contact. Bandages, vials of bacta and other medicine capsules were sent into the air, glass shattering as it hit the ground in a cacophony of noise. Her nose scrunched and twitched as she lowered her hand, lip shaking in fierce anger.

"This is your fault. Yours." Her words were sharp as knives as she stared him down while he laid in the bed, albeit a bit more sheepishly than moments before that outburst. She then pointed at him, "Your decisions before meeting me are not excused simply because of the convenience of the situation, Kurt."

Kneeling down, Jamie picked up her bag of belongings. The blonde removed a small device from it, something he'd given her a while back, setting it on the table.

Wiping away the moisture and makeup on her sleeve once more she cast a look back over at Kurt.

"You don't know what you're asking me to do, and I don't know what to tell you to do. Maybe you'll learn to make one another happy. Someday, maybe she'll be what you want after all."

She then made her way through the mess on the floor towards the door.

[member="Kurt Meyer"]

 

[Kurt Meyer]

[member="Jamie Pyne"]

His heart thudded in his chest, his vision became blurry, but oddly enough the reaction wasn't fear. He should have been scared, maybe even terrified, but he knew that Jamie would never hurt him, he was so confident of that fact, so sure. He loved her so much that perhaps it blinded him. The Courier just couldn't let her go, he couldn't let her walk out that door. She placed the communicator onto the table, his stomach dropped, bile filled his throat.

He stopped.

Time seemed to stop. Everything seemed to coalesce in that one, tiny moment. All the things he had ever done, all the decisions he had ever made. His racing, leaving Tatooine, fighting the One Sith, Crashing on the side of that planet, meeting Kaile, meeting Jamie. All of it blurred into one great moment. He could hear the thud of his heart even through the constant screech of the monitor that had now found its way tumbled to the floor. His fingers tightened, and once again he played the fool.

Adrenaline surged through him.

Whether it was from what Jamie had done or the moment itself Kurt couldn't know, but he stumbled out of the bed and once again after her.

He fell almost instantly once again, his fingers latching onto the side of the bed, his hand coming up just in time so that he could hold himself up against the wall. He took a step and caught Jamie, not stepping into her path but just to the right of her. His chest rose and fell, his knees quivered, shards of glass dug into his feet, his eyes locked onto hers. "I can't Jamie. I just can't let you walk out of that door."

His voice was the barest rasp.

"I know you're angry. I know this situation seems impossible. I know there's nothing I can do to fix this and I know it's my fault." He looked at her, knowing what he had put her through, knowing everything she had been through, knowing that no matter what she said she would probably still walk out that door. "I don't want a life without you in it. I know I karked up. I know what I did. I know I can't force you to live with it and in truth part of me doesn't want to because I know how much it will hurt you."

Tears now slowly streamed down his face. "But despite all that...I just don't want you to walk away."

 

[Jamie Pyne]

She stopped before her finger pressed the button on his room's door. She wouldn't hit him, as much as the thought had crossed her mind several times. All she wanted was to get out of the hospital, to board a ship and get everything out of her mind. If she disappeared, maybe that would simply make everyone's lives better. Being gone would mean Kurt would return to Kaile, they would live together as they had, she would have their child and they would raise it, without her causing problems. It was the simplest solution, the one that Kurt needed more than anything.

And yet all she did for a minute was stand there quietly, her eyes locked on to his, filling once more with tears, hearing his plea.

"What then, Kurt? You want so badly for me to stay here, then you tell me right now what it is you want, and how you think I should handle this? What would make you happy? Do you want me to tag along between you and Kaile, fitting in where I can in between your lives on board The Messa while you raise your kid? Would that be your ideal solution to this?"

Her hand gripped her head, a waive of pain racking it from the stress of the discussion. "You say that I can't go, that you don't want to be without me, that you don't even want this kid that might very well be yours! But you have no answers either, you have no idea about what to do. She doesn't even know that it's yours? How many people does this woman sleep with that you can't do the math?!" It finally hit Jamie that if Kaile and Kurt didn't know whether or not it was his that she had obviously been rather promiscuous. Her face reeled at the idea that this girl was someone of incredibly loose morals that she would jump between Kurt and others that quickly. "So let me get this right, Kurt. You're asking me to sit here and wait until she figures out which one of you got her pregnant? And then what? I want you to tell me right now what your plan is, or I am walking out of that door and finding the next ship off this planet."

[member="Kurt Meyer"]

 

[Kurt Meyer]

[member="Jamie Pyne"]

His plan?

Kurt frowned for a few moments as he thought about what she had said. His hand scrunched against the side of the wall, his knees nearly buckled, his face contorted in a mixture of pain and pure tiredness as he tried to think of something...anything to say. His lips thinned. The blood on the bottom of his feet began to pool, the glass sinking in just a bit deeper. For a second he let his eyes wander, he let this gaze fall over the destruction that Jamie had brought in the little room.

He could only think of one answer. "I."

Kurt said quietly.

"I'm going to be with you." Silly, childish. "That's my plan. I'm going to talk to Kaile. I'm going to figure out if this is my kid. I'm going to show you that you can trust me, that I want to be with you."[/color[

His fingers tightened again. "I said I wanted you to be my family. I meant that. Those aren't just empty words. It doesn't matter if the kid is mine or not. It doesn't matter because you're the one I want to be with. I'll show you that with any ceremony, any oath, any ritual that exists in this galaxy."

Kurt may have just said a very stupid thing, but it was the only option he could think of. Jamie was worried that she couldn't trust him, that he would break away from her, run away or fall in love with Kaile, but...well that wasn't the case, and Kurt would do anything to prove that.

 

[Jamie Pyne]

Jamie's eyes looked down to see Kurt standing in shards of broken glass that had been scattered around the floor during her outrage. For a fraction of a second she felt vindicated by his pain, that he had physically felt the metaphorical shards of glass and knives in her heart. The feeling however was suppressed almost as quickly as it came. It wasn't the type of person she was. She didn't want to hurt people, it was why she was doing what she was doing to begin with. But this felt more like the galaxy colluding against her again, simply to see how far down she could be dragged before breaking.

This was rock bottom.

Her fingers pinched the bridge of her nose as she stifled back tears that she felt like she couldn't possibly produce more of.

"How does it not matter if it's yours? It's your responsibility. You can't be with me if that's true. This isn't the same as having a child by someone else and going your separate ways, splitting time parenting a child. You live together. You're friends. You..." She paused before saying the next bit. "You can't tell me you don't care about her and mean it."

Her finger pressed the button to release the door. "There's no ceremony or oath that can change that."

[member="Kurt Meyer"]

 

[Kurt Meyer]

[member="Jamie Pyne"]

She was right. He did care about Kaile, that was simple truth. There was no changing that fact in the same way there was no way to change the fact that he loved her. He wouldn't, and couldn't abandon Kaile even if this wasn't his child.

Still, Kurt couldn't let it go. "No, there isn't."

He wouldn't try to change the facts. He wouldn't try to mince words or manipulate them so that the situation changed, but he could try to make her understand, could try to make her see. Maybe this was his child, maybe it wasn't, but that didn't change how he felt about Jamie. It didn't change what he wanted.

"Of course I care about Kaile." Perhaps honesty would get him somewhere. "But it's not the same."

Pain filled his voice. "This is an impossible situation, there's no easy fix, there's no one solution that will make everything better. I know that. I understand it, but I'm just asking you to work with me. I'm just asking you to trust me. Just a little bit. Just long enough to figure this out."

 

[Jamie Pyne]

"There is an easy fix, Kurt." Both knew what that solution was, even if he did not want to be the one to admit it.

"Without me Kaile gets what she wants. Everything stays the same for you two, you both can continue to live together, she gets a full time father for the baby, and maybe in the end, you as well." Forcing that sentence out took a lot of willpower, more so the ending than the beginning. If maybe there was some way to undo the past, Jamie would have happily tried. There was no time machine. No changing the fact that this was probably Kurt's kid. And even if it wasn't, a number of things would permanently be different between the two.

"You obviously knew about this before coming here, right? What did you two talk about Kurt? Did you just throw your hands up in the air and say, 'Kark it, just go see what she says?' Was that the best plan you could think of?"

All she wanted was for him to answer that question, and then she would go.

[member="Kurt Meyer"]

 

[Kurt Meyer]

[member="Jamie Pyne"]

"We haven't talked much at all." Kurt said quietly.

Whereas Jamie might have thought that some grand conspiracy was going on between Kaile and Kurt, the truth was things were just as complicated back on The Messa as it was here. They weren't ignoring one another of course, it wasn't like that. More there was a...certain sense in the air. Kaile knew that this wasn't a good time, knew that Kurt didn't want this, she also had a self sacrificial streak and thus had already tried bringing up the idea of walking away more than once already.

Kurt on the other hand had shot down that idea but at the same time was still very confused, and very troubled by all of what had happened. Thus the last few weeks on The Messa had been eerily quiet, with Kurt often just making sure that Kaile was okay, stayed off her feet, and didn't overwork herself. They hadn't talked about him and Jamie though, and every time the subject had been broached Kurt had felt sick enough to almost immediately throw up.

"I couldn't lie to you, Jamie." Kurt said, almost a whisper. "I couldn't come here, look you in the eye, sleep with you and just pretend everything was okay. I knew what this would do to us. I..."

He trailed off and looked at the floor. "All I knew was that I had to tell you the truth, that I didn't want to lose you, and that no matter what I said...you'd hate me."

 

[Jamie Pyne]

"You should have talked to her before coming here then."

Jamie took a step back into the opening of the doorway, the sound of crushing glass beneath her shoes. Her shoulders rose and fell. "I don't hate you."

That much was certain. "But this is how it is." How it had to be. "I should go now, I think."

It hurt to leave, as much as it hurt to hear the truth. But inside she knew the only way she could see herself with him was if Kaile's child wasn't his. But even that information wasn't available. She had no idea how likely it was or wasn't that it was Kurt's. All she knew was what he had told her. For now she couldn't continue living an illusion that everything might be okay down the road. It would only make it more painful if it turned out to be his.

"Maybe it's not yours." Another step back, she was now partially in the hall. "Maybe there's a chance for us. But I can't sit here waiting. I just can't. I'm sorry, Kurt."

[member="Kurt Meyer"]

 

[Kurt Meyer]

[member="Jamie Pyne"]

Kurt looked at her.

So there was a chance. It was a small one, a slim one...but it was hope. He frowned slightly, a range of emotion bolting through him as he tried to think of something...anything to say. She was half in the hallway, half away from him. What was...what was he going to do. His fingers fidgeted slightly, his knees were weak, the bottom of his feet felt like they were on fire. Down the hall he could just barely hear the echoing sounds of some of the nurses rushing towards them.

"Okay." Was all he could think to say.

For a second he stayed quiet.

"I'll figure this out." He told her. "I'll find out."

His heart was breaking. Kurt knew that he couldn't keep her here, he knew that no matter what he said...no matter what he did there was nothing he could say to stop her from leaving now, but there was a chance...no matter how small it was. "I'll find you when I do...I'll...I'll come see you."

She took another step back, the nurses came closer.

"I love you." Kurt said one final time, almost a whisper.

 

[Jamie Pyne]

"Farewell."

The words he was likely looking to hear wouldn't come. She couldn't say them without losing the rest of who she was. It felt wrong. This wasn't how she imagined this trip going, not in the slightest. Not even a full day back together and everything had fallen apart. She had given Kurt all of herself. Every private thought she'd ever had, shared her dreams and desires, opened her heart and life to him, only to have it be for nothing.

The moment she turned away from the room she knew that might very well be the last time she saw him. No matter how much it hurt, she knew it was the only choice she had, the right thing to do. She understood now that no matter how hard you could try, no matter how much you could want something, that sometimes things just didn't go the way you wanted, or thought.

Jamie turned away from him and headed towards the direction the nurses were coming from, wiping her eyes once more on her arm, sniffling.

[member="Kurt Meyer"]