Private Between the Lions

[Jonyna Si]

TAG: Efret Farr

"Sure. You hungry?" Jonyna smiled. "There's a kitchen down the hall."

Admittedly, the sound of Jonyna's stomach rumbling probably keyed them both off to how hungry She was. "Uh...whoops..." Jonyna blushed. "...so tell me about Elias!" Jonyna blurted out, trying to change the subject.

 

[Efret Farr]

"Yes." Efret stood. "Great. Can you please show me?" She'd follow Jonyna as she led the way, walking side-by-side so she could read the Cathar's lips.

"Elias?" she repeated. For now, she was oblivious to just why Jonyna might be asking. They were, after all, not too subtle at the recent promotion gathering. If Masker San Tekka had noticed something between Efret and Elias, Jonyna likely had as well. Exactly what could have been unclear then, but, with the context of Efret's romantic troubles, perhaps it made more sense. "What do you want to know?" she asked rhetorically before starting to list off some information. "He's a healer specializing in herbalism. He leads an enclave on Bogano, though I don't know if he'll continue doing so considering he's Quartermaster over the entire Order now."

The women stepped into the kitchen and Efret immediately went to look in the pantry. She then turned back to Jonyna. "What kind of food do you like? I'll make us something, given the ingredients are here."

Jonyna Si​

 

[Jonyna Si]

TAG: Efret Farr

"And you have a crush on him." Jonyna continued, snickering. "I'll have a steak. I can help make it, I've got a particular way I cook mine."

Jonyna led them into a kitchen, still set up with the systems of old. A stove, a fridge that looked over a thousand years old in design, but when opened was stocked with fresh food, including a set of fresh steaks for Cathar.

 

[Efret Farr]

Settling her elbows down onto a countertop facing Jonyna, Efret hid her own face in her hands. She revealed in again in a moment's time, her skin flushed. "Is it obvious?" she asked rhetorically. "He's kind and smart, and knows Sign and Kinetic, has great hair and...is beautiful." Once she had stopped signing, her head dipped back into her hands. "Force around us, I'm so stupid."

She looked up again and straighten to stand up again. "I wish I was—" Her signs stopped abruptly. One of her hands went to cradle the other in a motion similar to a hearing person covering their would when they had stopped themselves from speaking. "No, never mind, I don't mean what I was going to say."

Efret was glad to let Jonyna cook herself a steak. While she often did eat, and even prepare and at times hunt, meat while she was staying with local populations during her archeological tours to experience their various cultures more thoroughly, the Lorrdian did follow a vegetarian lifestyle when she was off-duty. "Very well," she said. "You do that. I think I'll make a spiced potato sandwich. Would you like some extra filling to have on the side with your steak? How about a cup of coffee?"

Jonyna Si​

 

[Jonyna Si]

TAG: Efret Farr

"A potato with some cheese would be nice. maybe some garlic on top for some spice." Jonyna smirked, walking over and putting a hand on Efret's shoulder. "Come on, you can tell me. Trust me, I get it. I've been fawning over Jenn ever since I met her. More than colleges, I want to be friends. And if that means I have to be your wingwoman like how Valery Noble has been for me, I can do that much. He's cute, and I can see how you sign differently when you're talking about him. It's...like an accent. You take longer to choose your words, and put more emphasis on his name when you sign. It's cute!"

 

[Efret Farr]

"Part of me wishes I was precognitive rather than psychometric." Efret signed what was on her mind soon after being given permission to, pouting slightly. "Like I said, I don't mean it. I just... In this situation, it's hard to wait and trust.

"I also have a sign name picked out in my head for him," she continued. So far in her many interaction with him, or when she referred to him—even just now—she fingerspelled his name. "But I haven't used it because I...don't know, it means a lot for a Deaf person to give a hearing person a sign name. It means I accept him into my culture, which I do. He means a lot to me already, but I don't want him to think I'm accepting him as a friend and colleague. I want to be more than that. He wrote me a letter saying that's all I think of him as and apologizing for misreading my signals..."

She sighed, exasperation on her face. "I'm Lorrdian, Jonyna. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I can't help it. He didn't misunderstand anything."

Jonyna Si​

 

[Jonyna Si]

TAG: Efret Farr

"I've been using a word for Jenn that's exclusive to my culture." Jonyna explained, pausing to consider how to describe it. She chose a strange fusion between two signs. Love. And Innocent.

"It's that...feeling you get. When you meet someone and it's just...you feel like a teenager again, discovering love for the first time. That overwhelming sense of butterflies, where it feels like just holding their hand is against some sort of rules. That's how Jenn makes me feel. So I get it, ya know? We all want to make this work. You just need to be...honest with him, yeah? Guys are kinda dense most of the time, so you need to be blunt. Crack the shell, and make it clear to him how you feel."

 

[Efret Farr]

"Honesty..." She left the sentiment hanging in the air as she retrieved two potatoes from dry storage and washed then peeled them. When done, she looked up at Jonyna. "Yes, it's a virtue for a reason." She chewed shortly on her own lower lip. "I've never had difficulty with it since I was a young padawan. But now... I experience a lot of difficulty in this specific circumstance. With him."

She paused to find a knife and quartered the potatoes, then transferred them into a steamer. Hopefully, the pauses in conversation didn't make Jonyna too uncomfortable. After setting a ten-minute timer, Efret continued, "Tell me, have you ever struggled with shame? I feel very inadequate when I'm in his company."

Jonyna Si​

 

[Jonyna Si]

TAG: Efret Farr

The small pauses only gave Jonyna the chance to think. Shame...

"Some of my oldest friends would say no. They'd be wrong, but I can understand why they'd think that. I've never been ashamed of my body, or my attitude, or just...being me. I used to walk around the ship in nothing but a tank top and a pair of undies. My buddy Kraden Besco would always gawk at me and tell me to put some pants on, but..."

She let out a sigh. "I understand shame. It's just that the things I was ashamed about weren't the things folks normally are. Back when I was just a bounty hunter trying to make ends meet, searching for someone, anyone who could teach me to be something more, I felt ashamed I couldn't do more. I saw how people were suffering, and despite my efforts, there was nothing I could do for them. Not without getting them even more hurt." Jonyna took a moment to run a hand through her hair, and let out a long breath. She didn't talk about this side of her much, but she always pushed herself as an open book when people asked. "I felt shame for my own inadequacy. I couldn't be the hero the galaxy needed. It's why I always call Grandmaster Luke 'Farmboy' whenever people bring him up. Because...he was. He got to do all the things I wanted to. Overthrow the Empire, defeat Vader, start the new Order. In another life, that could've been me, but...it wasn't. So, yeah, I know shame."

 

[Efret Farr]

Ah.

Yes, both of those instances must have been difficult to manage, Efret assumed. She felt like she could relate in her own way. The field of archeology, Jedi or not, sustained itself off of its culture of constant overachievement. It was unhealthy for individual practitioners in many ways and also unhelpful for the whole discipline, as the ubiquitous desire to prove oneself could undermine cooperation and even the scientific process itself. At the Academy, Efret had fallen into the trap herself, but had managed to free herself of it once she had graduated and began working alone. That had happened ten years ago—she didn't recall how she had dealt with that kind of shame, similar to the kind Jonyna described.

Perhaps she had just endured it until it was possible to unsaddle it.

She didn't want to handle what she was struggling with now in that way. Being infatuated with Elias wasn't like being in school as she hoped not to move on from the first condition.

"How did you deal with that feeling?" Efret asked, biting the side of her lower lip slightly. She got the feeling that her fellow councilmember wasn't an overly private person, but the archeologist was still worried that she might be stepping across some social line.

Jonyna Si​

 

[Jonyna Si]

TAG: Efret Farr

The answer was a simple, casual, yet deeper meaning word.

"Grit."

To Jonyna, it was that simple. Was that healthy? Hell no. All that machismo nonsense was just bravado to avoid talking about all the scars one had.

"I just keep trying. Keep helping folks as best I can. Keep doing what I can. That's what a jedi should do, yeah?"

To her it was that simple. Even when faced with the shame of your failures, you keep going. Because that's what's right.

 

[Efret Farr]

Efret remained quiet for some time, turning Jonyna's response over in her head. "Shame is self-sabotage," she finally said. "In all scenarios. I shouldn't resist a relationship for fear of failure, like you have continued down your paths despite doubts and shortcomings. As you say, it's what we should do. Everything fails if we don't try."

She turned away to grab a selection of spices and two slices of bread from the pantry, then put two frying pans on the range—one for herself and the other for Jonyna.

"Thank you for talking with me about that." Somewhere in the back of her head, she knew that this wouldn't be the last word she had with herself or another about Elias. It was proving challenging in many ways to let her guard down and let him in, but they had a kitchenful of distractions at the moment. "Now let's cook."

Jonyna Si
Exit thread​