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Approved Planet Cathay, Home of the Hegemony

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Cathay
Credit: SWTOR
~~~~~~~~~~~~​

OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION
GENERAL INFORMATION
  • Planet Name: Cathay
  • Demonym: Catharian
  • Region: Unknown Regions
  • System Name: Catharia
  • System Features:
  1. Class B Star.
  2. One Colonized Moon, in a nearly perfect circular orbit over Cathay
  3. One Toxic Uninhabited World, located in the Goldilocks Zone: Telos IV style post-bombardment corrosive atmosphere
  4. Two Gas Giants (Tibanna and Oxygen Respectively), far behind the Asteroid Belt
  5. Narthari Asteroid Belt (Iron, Gold, Copper, Silver, and Tin [Among Others])
  6. Hyperspace Cannon Station 'Cathay Prima' : A massive mega-structural Hyperspace Cannon, inhabited with a large shipyard, Civilian Colonist quarters, and a Naval Academy. Connected to the surface of Cathay with a Space Elevator. This mega-structure acts as both a Hyperspace Cannon mounting point as well as the Headquarters for the Catharian Navy. Over the decades, it had been retrofitted with fitting so that it could be capable of Capitol Ship sized vessels used during the Mandalorian Wars and the centuries after, with mounting points for Republic Hammerhead Cruisers, and Sith Interdictor Cruisers, and early prototypes for Revan's Sith Harrower Dreadnoughts. The shipyard mounted on the Station is capable of building later designs such as Republic Venators and Secutor Dreadnoughts, as well as the later still Imperial Star Destroyers. But sadly, thanks to a lack of functional large ship yard sectors, most of the smaller ship yards have been delegated to mid range ships in large quantities such as the Interdictor and Hammerhead Cruiser. Among serving as a shipyard and hyperspace cannon, the Station itself is a whole host to almost 1.5 million inhabitants in Civilian Colonial Quarters, and is home to the Famous Catharian Naval Academy, Cathay Restitus which incorporates both Old Republic and Sith Doctrine into one unified structure and is also home to the Catharian Naval Headquarters.
  7. Cathay has a rotational period of approximately 25 Hours, alongside a year of one galactic standard year (365 Days) located in the middle of the Goldilocks Zone.
  • Location: Hex Right of Bogo Rai
  • Major Imports: Duraplast, Mandalorian Iron, Plastoid,
  • Major Exports: Various fruits, grains, vegetables, and lifestock. Durasteel, small amounts of Xensto, Polymers, and Oxygen Containers.
  • Unexploited Resources: High Levels of Uranium, and Kolto, this Kolto deposit has been renamed "Xensto" and is very rare to come by.
GEOGRAPHIC INFORMATION
  • Gravity: Standard
  • Climate: Temperate
  • Primary Terrain: Grasslands, Deciduous Forests, Coniferous Forests near the poles, and Large Mountains near the Equator
  • Atmosphere: Type I, 30% Oxygen, 70% Nitrogen, .000014% Other
LOCATION INFORMATION
  • Capital City: Xzeenia
  • Planetary Features: Large mountains and Massive Cities, a mix of Urban, Suburban, and Rural Living alongside a highly nationalistic zeal which permeates its cities.
  • Major Locations:
1. The Crater: A place where either a meteor or planet destroying super-weapon was detonated. It encompasses 10% of the world's surface. It was once the Site of the original Catharian Capitol City, now reduced to a half flooded reminder of Cathay's troubled Path. At the very center of the crater exists a small Monastery which houses the Dark Templars, followers and Elite Dark-Side warriors of Xzaien's and a monument made of black Obsidian which overlooks the impact point. The monument reads the following: "To whomst it may concern, may we never forget the Atrocities and Rage forced upon the Cathar Peoples, It is with great sadness that this world suffered a similar fate. It is our duty to keep our and its culture alive. So that we, as Catharians may continue to live in peace and prosperity."
2. Xzeench: The second largest city on Cathay. Primarily settled by former Sith Soldiers and Dark Jedi. Founded by Xzaien's followers as a secondary place of dark-side power alongside a research base used by Catharian Scientists to reverse engineer Precursor technology.
3. Solus: The third largest City on Cathay, a trading hub directly on the road to Xzeenia. Settled by Republic Deserters and home to the Catharian Light Side Sect, known as the Tacitus Je'daii, former Jedi disillusioned with the Jedi Council during the Mandalorian wars alongside those who fled the known Galaxy to flee the First Jedi Purge.


  • Force Nexus: Darkside
    Intent: The intent is to create a large force nexus equal to the power of Telos IV or Taris. A symbol of the billions of lives lost when a cataclysmic event scorched Xzeenia's surface and to remember the lives lost during the Mandalorian Genocides.
  • Ambiance: The crater itself is a place of darkness and of sadness. The billions of lives snuffed out within a few milliseconds perpetrates its aura through the world and affects it inhabitants. The crater itself goes almost a mile deep into Cathay's crust. Radiation pockets are also present outside of the designated safe zone, as well as possible minerals such as diamonds or various Isotopes of Uranium in the craters edge.
    Nexus Name: "The Scorched Sun"
  • Nexus Alignment: Dark
  • Size: Large : Approximately the very center is where it emanates from, it comes from the impact point which saw billions of lives snuffed out in a instant.
  • Strength: Strong
  • Accessibility: Highly Guarded by Dark-sider Templars which guard both the holy monastery and the central Monument. Passage is free to all.
  • Effects: The Crater is a holy place, named so after its Templars who seek to protect artifacts discovered deeper within the crater. The effects on the mind vary from individual to individual. It is likely that the somber and quietness of such a place brings sad and depressive feelings along naturally but effects will always vary between person to person. While also depending on the Force Sensitivity and sheer will power. Distinguished Force Users could outright negate it, aswell as a trained and honed mind.

POPULATION
  • Native Species: Precursors: Human-like Aliens that reached great technological heights prior to the expansion of the Kwa and the Rakatans. All extinct.
  • Immigrated Species: Cathar, Humans, very few Trandoshans and Sith Pure-bloods. The latter of which exist only in the Dark Side Monastery in the center of the crater as seers and instructors.
  • Population: Heavy : 4,000,000,000
  • Demographics: Approximately 60% Cathar of Varying ethnicity, and 40% of Human Colonists among others.
  • Primary Languages: Catharese, Galactic Basic
  • Culture: Highly Technocratic and Civilized. A mixture of both Mandalorian, Coruscanti, Sith, and Cathar culture mixed into one. The Mandalorian culture only exists in its Government's Guardsmen and Military equipment as both Republic and Sith Troopers were influenced by Mandalorian Neo-Crusader Designs and copied them extensively.
GOVERNMENT & ECONOMY
  • Government: Autocratic Queendom
  • Affiliation: Xzaien / Catharian Hegemony
  • Wealth: Medium to High: Most of the colonists that had arrived came from the ashes of war and hailing from nearly destroyed worlds. Many of the Citizens on planet only regained their wealth after participation in the Catharian Hegemony's many wars with its primitive neighbors.
  • Stability: High: A highly militarized police force and harsh punishments permeate Cathay's Culture. A place where following the law is often respected and rewarded.
  • Freedom & Oppression: Relatively Free, Most Catharians view their Autocratic ruler with a nearly religious fanaticism a ruler destined via divine right to be brought to them by the Force itself. Xzaien, the autocratic ruler takes advantage of this near worship and as such, all declared citizens are given all the rights and privileges similar to those living on the surface of Coruscant as long as they pay their dues and follow their obligations.
MILITARY & TECHNOLOGY
  • Military: A highly advanced and organized Navy and Military System. With two separate branches, the Army and Navy with its own subbranches such as the Space Trooper Corps or Space Marine Chapters. Descended in a legendary linage which saw the great Sith Ruthlessness and Republican Tactical Expertise fully realized in a unified Militarized State.
  • Technology: A highly advanced space faring culture which prioritizes the usage the protection of Precursor technology in its civilian life and Military machine which uses precursor technology to augment its already highly advanced military, police, and culture zones.
HISTORICAL INFORMATION

Cathay once went by a different name in prehistory. A name long since forgotten to modern scholars and historians. What is known however, was that its peoples. Named the "Precursors" evolved and then took control of the world via conquest of lesser species. This Precursor race was human-like in its base form, but from what fossilized evidence portrays they looked nearly identical to the Zhell people of Coruscant, likely a ancestor race of the modern Human. This race of hominids took control of their world and quickly advanced technologically independent from either the Kwa or the Rakatan Empires respectively and soon came to colonize its moon and third planet nicknamed "Thalia" in artistic portrayals. These humanoids expanded past their system upon the discovery and production of a Hyperspace Cannon, an Precursor made structure that allowed for a primitive version of FTL travel. Sadly, this technology was in its infancy when this great civilization met its end by some sort of Cataclysmic event of epic proportions which saw Xzeenia utterly destroyed and the third planet rendered toxic via radiation bombardment. What did happen on Cathay, was that there were a large number of survivors placed into Stasis pods just before the "Event". The only Empire capable of doing such a thing was the Rakatans yet in Rakatan scripture no mention of Xzeenia or its name or even references were even found. Once it was destroyed, Cathay fell into legend as a place defined as technologically vast and a treasure trove for pirates and treasure hunters. What is known, was that all who attempted to find Cathay without trying to find its star-map were all lost in the Unknown Regions. The only known map to Cathay was once located on the world of Yavin IV.

This starmap allowed for its discovery back during First Jedi Purge nearly 6,000 years ago. The person who located it with a motley band of followers was of course, Xzaien, the future Autocratic Ruler of Cathay. Despite efforts to relocate the starmap in the present, no evidence of its location have been found. Likely bulldozed prior to the Rusaan Reformations. What is known despite the inability to find its starmap was that Xzaien eventually discovered Cathay and colonized it with a small band of Dark-Siders known only as the Knights of Xzeench or simply as Dark Templars who over the next few years restored many of the amenities that were located on Cathay such as the reactivation of its Hyperspace Cannon, and the Massive Turbo-laser cannon located in the Capitol City. Once news of its discovery reached the ears of those displaced during the Mandalorian Wars and subsequently the First Jedi Purge.

Cathay soon became a haven for Cathar refugees fleeing the Mandalorian Genocide of their species on their home world alongside Mandalorian Deserters known as the Repentant, Mandalorians who directly refused the Order to exterminate the Cathar on their homeworld and fled alongside the Cathar. These Mandalorians accompanied the first groups of fleeing refugees to protect them from being intercepted by Mandalorian vessels as they made their escape. As they arrived on Cathay, they tore Cassus Fett's emblems off their shoulders and declared loyalty to Xzaien's Autocratic Government. The early refugees viewed the Repentant as protectors and defenders.

Subsequently following the end of the 1st Jedi Purge and subsequent disappearance of both Meetra Surik and Revan into the Unknown Regions, Sith Remnants calling themselves the Eradicators arrived on planet and declared loyalty to Xzaien, shortly followed by Republic Deserters also known as the 7th Core Fleet lead by famous Republic Rear Admiral Raxis Keyes who also declared loyalty and were subsequently made into citizens by Xziaen. Shortly after Xzaien was crowned Queen and soon Cathay entered a golden age of technological advancement and cultural growth. With the Repentant growing in numbers. Soon, Xzaien made the Repentant into the Government's Senate and Imperial Guardsmen and as such, to this day the Guardsmen bear the Mandalorian influence they were derived from. T Shaped visors and flame throwers. What followed was a massive ecological restoration project on the world of Cathay to restore its Class II atmosphere into a Class I atmosphere. It did eventually succeed ten years after Revan's disappearance into the unknown regions.

Unfortunately the Republic Refugees and their Jedi renegades did not play well with the predominantly Sith Oriented City as they had reverted into a near gang-warfare like state where small bands of Sith and Republic troopers battled each-other on the outskirts of the City. This entire situation of disunity would exist for a year after being settled by the Renegades and Sith deserters. Fortunately, the disunity eventually stopped as a prominent politician by the name of Remulus Ordana traveled to Cathay in an illegal attempt to assert Republic control over Xzaien's Autocratic Government. He traveled to Cathay in a Hammerhead Class Battle-cruiser with a full contingent invasion force inside of smaller support craft.

This illegal unsponsored invasion landed in the plains outside of Cathay's Capitol City, Xzeenia. The Republican Senator Remulus gave a declaration of Unconditional Surrender to Xzaien's World, annexation into the Republic as a independent Republic, with Remulus as its new leader. This act of war infuriated both Republic refugees and Sith deserts as the former didn't want to live under Republican law, and the other simply hated any Republican attempt to drive them into the dirt. And as such, Xzaien consulted both leaders of the Dark-Side and Light-side factions inside of her Government. The Light Side leader was Raxis Keyes, and the Dark Side leader was Sith Lord Favrek Kriiban. During the talks both men agreed to set aside their differences and produce the "Declaration of Catharian Unity" which officially formed the previous un-unified colony into the First Catharian Dominion and as such, the first fully mobilized Catharian Military and Navy was drafted and created as response to this act of war and thus began the War of the Diamond. As a response to this sudden united front against Remulus's attempted coup, the Navy was mobilized, all fifteen Harrower Class Dreadnoughts and thirty Hammerhead Medium Cruisers began a space battle against Remulus's Battlecruiser. In the end, the battlecruiser was disabled and brought back down onto Cathay's Surface aswell as the temporary de-activation of the Hyperspace Cannon which prevented any quick FTL travel to escape. On the ground, the people were revved up into a nearly fanatical furver to see Remulus captured and his army utterly destroyed. Soon, Remulus was surrounded on all sides by the Catharian Army, and above with the Catharian Fleet. After a few more minor land battles Remulus was cornered, and he eventually surrendered the last remnants of his Republic Invaders, approximately ten-thousand Veteran Troopers and himself to Xzaien. Thus, ended the War of the Diamond. What happened to Remulus, no one knows. Rumors speak that he was imprisoned and tortured by Xzaien's Dark Templar followers, or simply murdered. No one knows. What was known however, was that the Hyperspace Cannon was reactivated and an Ambassador in the form of a Cathar Matriarch by the name of Relmna Orianxis appeared inside of the Republic Senate. She was in turn given her opportunity to speak and as such, revealed Remulus's illegal act and presented proof of his invasion including a full casualty count of civilians killed and soldier casualties. As a response, the Republic was moved deeply in the favor of the Catharians and as such. Remulus was stripped of his rank of Senator. As a means to apologise for his actions, few members of the Republic; Senators infact, gave the Catharians a few antiquated patrol vessels and a small amount of Credits to pay for damages. After all was said and done, the Catharian Ambassador returned to Cathay and peace was returned. With Cathay no longer being a minor refugee world. But now a nation with a Army, Navy, and a Flag. This peace, would bring great boons to Cathay's peoples and it would remain for years. A new Golden age to put in the history books.

One day, Xzaien had an Epiphany. She ordered her Dark and Light factions of Force Users to begin a ritual which would allow Xzaien to see the future. The two factions gathered inside of Xzeenia's Citadel and began the ritual. At the sacrifice of two force users from both sides alongside a non-force sensitive Xzaien was bombarded with visions dictating the future. She saw the beginning of Valkorion's Eternal Alliance aswell as its end, She saw the Outlander's Eternal Alliance Formed and destroyed, she saw what happened to the Eternal Fleet, she saw the end of the Sith Order during the Battle Ruusaan, She saw the death of the Republic at the hands of Emperor Palpatine, and she saw the creation of the New Republic. This showed her, that in only a few thousand years, The Sith and the Jedi would descend into legend, the rise of Palpatine showed her the pain the Cathar people that stayed on their homeworld opressed, and finally. She saw the inefficiencies of the New Republic after its creation. After the ritual was complete, as a means to keep her civilisation safe from the horrible dissolution of these empires and Republic, she ordered Cannon shut down and the civil populace placed into the same hibernation pods the precursors placed themselves in vain to survive. But, thanks to technological developments and enhancements the Pods were safe to use for however long they would remain. Only five years ago did the first groups of Catharians awake from their several millennia long hibernation and soon spread across their sector. Only now, was the Hyperspace Cannon re-activated and finally let news reach the Major powers of the Galaxy. What is to be seen of this new minor power, has yet to be felt.
 
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[member="Xanthum the Mighty"]

Thank you for your patience, and welcome to SW Chaos (as I note you're a new writer to the board). There is a lot of detail here and some meticulous attention to Star Wars lore that offers great call-outs. As someone who has written both a Mandalorian as well as a Cathar in the past, I appreciate the inclusion of the Mandalorian Wars and the Cathar plight specifically.

With that said, I do have a few questions that I hope will elicit some further detail that might benefit your reader. There are also a few suggestions and some required edits that we'll need to work through before moving this to the second step. Just to ensure that you understand how this process works, planet submissions require 2 approvals, so after my review is complete this means that you will then have another review by an RPJ or an Admin.

With that said, I shall begin.

First, I love your choice of music to accompany this submission. The use of a soundtrack hyperlink is quite a novel touch, and I appreciate your selection as well. However, for the same reason that we require artist credit for images, I would ask that you please include an artist credit for the music as well. This could be as simple as dropping a credit mention beneath the hyperlink and then providing a link to the SW:TOR website if you like.

Xanthum the Mighty said:
Intent: A world, Highly Sophisticated and advanced. Punched into the future thanks to its Autocratic Leader. A place where the ideas of the ancient Sith and Old Republic still thrive and live thanks to the inhabitants entering hibernation pods several millenia prior to its first contact.
While I understand from the submission that this line, above, succinctly articulates what this planet is (or represents), it does not appear to answer the question from our template: Describe the plan for your planet. What is it that you want to do with this submission? What story- or character-related goal(s) do you hope to achieve?

Xanthum the Mighty said:
OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION
  • Intent: A world, Highly Sophisticated and advanced. Punched into the future thanks to its Autocratic Leader. A place where the ideas of the ancient Sith and Old Republic still thrive and live thanks to the inhabitants entering hibernation pods several millenia prior to its first contact.
  • Canon: N/A
  • Links: Xzaien
You are missing a section of the template here, specifically the Image Credit. Please provide a source for the image in your submission.

Xanthum the Mighty said:
  • Region: Unknown Regions
As per the template, please provide a link to Unknown Regions here.

Xanthum the Mighty said:
  • System Features: Class B Star, One Colonized Moon, Slip Space Gate, with a rotational period of approximately 25 Hours, alongside a year of one galactic standard year (365 Days).
A couple of comments specific to this part, above.

1. Slip Space Gate. You further elaborate on this item in the history, noting "These humanoids expanded past their system upon the discovery of a "Slip-Space Gate" a Precursor made structure that allowed for nearly instantaneous FTL travel between two systems." This would appear to be analogous to a hypergate. As noted in the Codex Standardized Rules: Some items, materials, and species are restricted or banned and cannot be used freely. Be sure to consult the list, the specific section, and template limitations before making a submission. Restricted/Banned Items. This includes hypergates or hypergate technology. If you feel that my interpretation is incorrect, please clarify your intentions regarding this particular feature and its abilities. Otherwise, please edit and remove that.

2. This would appear to be a very compact star system if all that it contains is a star, 1 planet, 1 moon, and 1 artificial satellite. I note that the history refers to a "third planet" that was colonized at the same time as the moon. Are there additional planets or other astrological objects of note that your reader should be aware of? I think there's room for some additional detail here.

Xanthum the Mighty said:
  • Major Imports: Duraplast, Mandalorian Iron
  • Major Exports: N/A No Exports
  • Unexploited Resources: N/A
An economy without exports or resources would seem to be operating in a rather severe trade deficit. Understanding from the history that this planet has only begun re-connecting to the larger galaxy in the last five years, but were there any historical exports of note? If the terrain consists of primarily grassland and forests, what about agricultural resources? From what source does the planet derive its wealth that it can sustain its trade deficit?

Xanthum the Mighty said:
  • Primary Terrain: Grasslands and Deciduous Forests
I note that the crater is described as being 30% of the available planet surface, as well as mention of "massive mountains" further in the sub. As such, I would ask that you expand this section to incorporate those as significant topographical features.

Xanthum the Mighty said:
1. The Crater: A place where either a meteor or planet destroying super-weapon was detonated. It encompasses 30% of the Planet's entire surface. A massive landmark spanning two continents in size. Home of the Dark-Side Catharian Sect of Force Users, the Dark Templars, keepers of forbidden knowledge and those totally dedicated to its founder.

Force Nexus (Optional): Darkside

  • Intent: The intent is to create a large force nexus equal to the power of Telos IV or Taris. A symbol of the billions of lives lost when a cataclysmic event scorched Xzeenia's surface.
    Nexus Name: "The Crater"
  • Nexus Alignment: Dark
  • Size: Large
  • Strength: Strong
  • Accessibility: Highly Guarded by Dark-sider Templars. The only way in is a letter of approval by the Autocrat herself to not do so, is to invite certain death by the hands of the Templars.
With regard to The Crater, some specific questions:

1. Is the Force Nexus just a large area inside of the crater (not representative of the entirety of the crater)? Or is the Force Nexus and the Crater one in the same? The reason that I ask is that the noted size of the crater is given as"30% of the planet surface" and "two continents" in size. In my research, the largest Force Nexus that I could find was the Valley of the Jedi and nothing I could find would seem to put it on par with the scale of this crater. If I am correct that the crater and the Force Nexus overlap, I'd ask that you please scale back this size of the Force Nexus.

2. If the crater is a multi-continent-spanning landmark, how is it "highly guarded"? What physical safeguards or security measures are in place to secure this No Man's Land?

Xanthum the Mighty said:

  • Effects: Upon entry into the crater, a wide swath of dead-lands is visible to the person attempting to enter. Inside their minds, a great sadness and loss will grip the user. As they approach the center of the crater, soon visual hallucinations would occur showing the force user or non force user to view the lives of the people that once lived on the crater, happy and without fear. Upon nearing the center of the crater, the visual hallucinations would turn to those of unforeseen agony and pain which could even cause physical pain once glimpsed. They would see those people they see in their visions, ripped away by a blinding red light and only replaced by darkness followed by an immense pull to the Dark-Side of the force. What occurs in the Crater, is a warning to those to remember the great tragedy of which happened on Xzeenia all those millennia ago.
I really enjoy the visual that you're crafting with this description. However, I would ask that you please remove references to characters feeling a particular emotion. As noted in the Codex Standardized Rules (General Submission Guidelines): Language that could be interpreted to force another player to do something they do not wish for their character is prohibited. Describing a general scene or scope of a Force vision is fine, but it would be up to the writer of the affected character what that vision or image meant to that character.

Xanthum the Mighty said:
  • Culture: Highly Technocratic and Civilized. A mixture of both Mandalorian, Coruscanti, Sith, and Cathar culture mixed into one
I see from the history where the Sith and Republic influences to the planet's culture arrive, and I love the detail on the Cathar reguees fleeing Mandalorian oppression, but from where does the Mandalorian cultural influence on the planet derive? And what is the societal ramifications of a Cathar culture coexisting alongside a Mandalorian culture, particularly as the former came to the planet fleeing the Mandalorians?

Those are my comments, I shall look forward to yours in reply. Please tag me once you have had an opportunity to make your edits. Thank you.
 
Zardu Hasselfrau said:
[member="Xanthum the Mighty"]

Thank you for your patience, and welcome to SW Chaos (as I note you're a new writer to the board). There is a lot of detail here and some meticulous attention to Star Wars lore that offers great call-outs. As someone who has written both a Mandalorian as well as a Cathar in the past, I appreciate the inclusion of the Mandalorian Wars and the Cathar plight specifically.

With that said, I do have a few questions that I hope will elicit some further detail that might benefit your reader. There are also a few suggestions and some required edits that we'll need to work through before moving this to the second step. Just to ensure that you understand how this process works, planet submissions require 2 approvals, so after my review is complete this means that you will then have another review by an RPJ or an Admin.

With that said, I shall begin.

First, I love your choice of music to accompany this submission. The use of a soundtrack hyperlink is quite a novel touch, and I appreciate your selection as well. However, for the same reason that we require artist credit for images, I would ask that you please include an artist credit for the music as well. This could be as simple as dropping a credit mention beneath the hyperlink and then providing a link to the SW:TOR website if you like.


While I understand from the submission that this line, above, succinctly articulates what this planet is (or represents), it does not appear to answer the question from our template: Describe the plan for your planet. What is it that you want to do with this submission? What story- or character-related goal(s) do you hope to achieve?


You are missing a section of the template here, specifically the Image Credit. Please provide a source for the image in your submission.


As per the template, please provide a link to Unknown Regions here.


A couple of comments specific to this part, above.

1. Slip Space Gate. You further elaborate on this item in the history, noting "These humanoids expanded past their system upon the discovery of a "Slip-Space Gate" a Precursor made structure that allowed for nearly instantaneous FTL travel between two systems." This would appear to be analogous to a hypergate. As noted in the Codex Standardized Rules: Some items, materials, and species are restricted or banned and cannot be used freely. Be sure to consult the list, the specific section, and template limitations before making a submission. Restricted/Banned Items. This includes hypergates or hypergate technology. If you feel that my interpretation is incorrect, please clarify your intentions regarding this particular feature and its abilities. Otherwise, please edit and remove that.

2. This would appear to be a very compact star system if all that it contains is a star, 1 planet, 1 moon, and 1 artificial satellite. I note that the history refers to a "third planet" that was colonized at the same time as the moon. Are there additional planets or other astrological objects of note that your reader should be aware of? I think there's room for some additional detail here.


An economy without exports or resources would seem to be operating in a rather severe trade deficit. Understanding from the history that this planet has only begun re-connecting to the larger galaxy in the last five years, but were there any historical exports of note? If the terrain consists of primarily grassland and forests, what about agricultural resources? From what source does the planet derive its wealth that it can sustain its trade deficit?


I note that the crater is described as being 30% of the available planet surface, as well as mention of "massive mountains" further in the sub. As such, I would ask that you expand this section to incorporate those as significant topographical features.


With regard to The Crater, some specific questions:

1. Is the Force Nexus just a large area inside of the crater (not representative of the entirety of the crater)? Or is the Force Nexus and the Crater one in the same? The reason that I ask is that the noted size of the crater is given as"30% of the planet surface" and "two continents" in size. In my research, the largest Force Nexus that I could find was the Valley of the Jedi and nothing I could find would seem to put it on par with the scale of this crater. If I am correct that the crater and the Force Nexus overlap, I'd ask that you please scale back this size of the Force Nexus.

2. If the crater is a multi-continent-spanning landmark, how is it "highly guarded"? What physical safeguards or security measures are in place to secure this No Man's Land?


I really enjoy the visual that you're crafting with this description. However, I would ask that you please remove references to characters feeling a particular emotion. As noted in the Codex Standardized Rules (General Submission Guidelines): Language that could be interpreted to force another player to do something they do not wish for their character is prohibited. Describing a general scene or scope of a Force vision is fine, but it would be up to the writer of the affected character what that vision or image meant to that character.


I see from the history where the Sith and Republic influences to the planet's culture arrive, and I love the detail on the Cathar reguees fleeing Mandalorian oppression, but from where does the Mandalorian cultural influence on the planet derive? And what is the societal ramifications of a Cathar culture coexisting alongside a Mandalorian culture, particularly as the former came to the planet fleeing the Mandalorians?

Those are my comments, I shall look forward to yours in reply. Please tag me once you have had an opportunity to make your edits. Thank you.
I have made the changes, here's hoping that they would suffice.

The information on the Slip Space Gate has been reworded and changed, its now just known as "Gate" and is used as a hyperspace beacon for safe travel.
 
[member="Xanthum the Mighty"]

Thank you for those changes. I feel that this submission is seeing some good development, and I particularly appreciate your adding the details about the System Features and Exports/Resources.

I have two comments based on the submission in its current form.

Xanthum the Mighty said:
The information on the Slip Space Gate has been reworded and changed, its now just known as "Gate" and is used as a hyperspace beacon for safe travel.
Xanthum the Mighty said:
  • System Features: Class B Star, One Colonized Moon, One Toxic Uninhabited World, Two Gas Giants (Tibanna and Oxygen Respectively), Narthari Asteroid Belt (Iron, Gold, Copper, Silver, and Tin), Slip Space Beacon, with a rotational period of approximately 25 Hours, alongside a year of one galactic standard year (365 Days).
HISTORICAL INFORMATION

Cathay once went by a different name in prehistory. A name long since forgotten to modern scholars and historians. What is known however, was that its peoples. Named the "Precursors" evolved and then took control of the world via conquest of lesser species. This Precursor race was human-like in its base form, but from what fossilized evidence portrays they looked nearly identical to the Zhell people of Coruscant, likely a ancestor race of the modern Human. This race of hominids took control of their world and quickly advanced technologically independent from either the Kwaa or the Rakatan Empires respectively and soon came to colonize its moon and third planet nicknamed "Thalia" in artistic portrayals. These humanoids expanded past their system upon the discovery of a "Gate" a Precursor made structure that allowed for FTL travel between two systems via a plantation of a beacon. Sadly, this technology was in its infancy when this great civilization met its end by some sort of Cataclysmic event of epic proportions which saw Xzeenia utterly destroyed and the third planet rendered toxic via radiation bombardment. What did happen on Cathay, was that there were a large number of survivors placed into Stasis pods just before the "Event". The only Empire capable of doing such a thing was the Rakatans yet in Rakatan scripture no mention of Xzeenia or its name or even references were even found. Once it was destroyed, Cathay fell into legend as a place defined as technologically vast and a treasure trove for pirates and treasure hunters. What is known, was that all who attempted to find Cathay without trying to find its starmap were all lost in the Unknown Regions. The only known map to Cathay was once located on the world of Yavin IV.

This starmap allowed for its discovery back during First Jedi Purge nearly 6,000 years ago. The person who located it with a motley band of followers was of course, Xzaien, the future Autocratic Ruler of Cathay. Despite efforts to relocate the starmap in the present, no evidence of its location have been found. Likely bulldozed prior to the Rusaan Reformations. What is known despite the inability to find its starmap was that Xzaien eventually discovered Cathay and colonized it with a small band of Dark-Siders known only as the Knights of Xzeench who over the next few years restored many of the amenities that were located on Cathay such as the reactivation of its Slip-Space Gate, and the Massive Turbo-laser cannon located in the Capitol City. Once news of its discovery reached the ears of those displaced during the Mandalorian Wars and subsequently the First Jedi Purge, Cathay soon became a haven for Cathar refugees fleeing the Mandalorian Genocide of their species on their home world alongside Mandalorian Deserters known as the Repentant, Mandalorians who directly refused the Order to exterminate the Cathar on their homeworld and fled alongside the Cathar. These Mandalorians accompanied the first groups of fleeing refugees to protect them from being intercepted by Mandalorian vessels as they made their escape. As they arrived on Cathay, they tore Cassus Fett's emblems off their shoulders and declared loyalty to Xzaien's Autocratic Government. The early refugees viewed the Repentant as protectors and defenders.

Subsequently following the end of the 1st Jedi Purge and subsequent disappearance of both Meetra Surik and Revan into the Unknown Regions, Sith Remnants calling themselves the Eradicators arrived on planet and declared loyalty to Xzaien, shortly followed by Republic Deserters also known as the 7th Core Fleet lead by famous Republic Rear Admiral Raxis Keyes who also declared loyalty and were subsequently made into citizens by Xziaen. Shortly after Xzaien was crowned Queen and soon Cathay entered a golden age of technological advancement and cultural growth. With the Repentant growing in numbers. Soon, Xzaien made the Repentant into the Government's Senate and Imperial Guardsmen and as such, to this day the Guardsmen bear the Mandalorian influence they were derived from. T Shaped visors and flame throwers. What followed was a massive ecological restoration project on the world of Cathay to restore its Class II atmosphere into a Class I atmosphere. It did eventually succeed ten years after Revan's disappearance into the unknown regions. What is odd, is that Xzaien ordered its Gate shut down and the civil populace placed into the same hibernation pods the precursors placed themselves in vain to survive. But, thanks to technological developments and enhancements the Pods were safe to use. Only five years ago did the first groups of Catharians awake from their several millennia long hibernation and soon spread across their sector. Only now, was the Slip Space Gate re-opened and news reach the Sith and Jedi. What is to be seen of this new minor power, has yet to be felt.
Thank you for the clarification of what this is. With that information in mind, I'd appreciate if you would go through the submission and replace the references to "Slip Space" and "Gate" in the submission with language that makes clear that this is a hyperspace beacon.

As per the Codex Standardized Rules, all submissions need to conform to the general idea of Star Wars. "Slip space" is not a concept that appears within the context of the Star Wars universe and a hyperspace beacon does not perform a function attributable to a 'gate' (I could see something akin to 'lighthouse' if you were wanting another word for beacon).

Part of why I am asking this is that the phrasing, "These humanoids expanded past their system upon the discovery of a "Gate" a Precursor made structure that allowed for FTL travel between two systems via a plantation of a beacon" makes it appear as though the act of transportation is caused by the beacon, rather than the beacon merely acting as an aid to navigation. I would recommend re-phrasing this part to say that, the addition of a hyperspace beacon made travel in and out of the Catharia System easier and safer" (or words to that effect).

Xanthum the Mighty said:

  • Effects: The Crater is a holy place, named so after its Templars who seek to protect artifacts discovered deeper within the crater. The effects on the mind vary from individual to individual but it is mostly in the form of a deep dread to sadness, to a type of catatonic state. It is likely that the somber and quietness of such a place brings these feelings along naturally but effects will always vary between person to person.
You scaled this back a fair degree, which is fine. I like how you shifted the emotional aspect along a spectrum. While I recognize that this gives people freedom to react along that thematic emotion, our rule remains that Language that could be interpreted to force another player to do something they do not wish for their character is prohibited. For that reason, I'd ask that you expand on the notion that someone may not be affected at all by this. It might also be good to add another sentence or two that describes the general atmosphere of the area, to help other writers understand the general concept of this nexus.

Please tag me once you have had an opportunity to complete your edits.
 
Zardu Hasselfrau said:
[member="Xanthum the Mighty"]

Thank you for those changes. I feel that this submission is seeing some good development, and I particularly appreciate your adding the details about the System Features and Exports/Resources.

I have two comments based on the submission in its current form.



Thank you for the clarification of what this is. With that information in mind, I'd appreciate if you would go through the submission and replace the references to "Slip Space" and "Gate" in the submission with language that makes clear that this is a hyperspace beacon.

As per the Codex Standardized Rules, all submissions need to conform to the general idea of Star Wars. "Slip space" is not a concept that appears within the context of the Star Wars universe and a hyperspace beacon does not perform a function attributable to a 'gate' (I could see something akin to 'lighthouse' if you were wanting another word for beacon).

Part of why I am asking this is that the phrasing, "These humanoids expanded past their system upon the discovery of a "Gate" a Precursor made structure that allowed for FTL travel between two systems via a plantation of a beacon" makes it appear as though the act of transportation is caused by the beacon, rather than the beacon merely acting as an aid to navigation. I would recommend re-phrasing this part to say that, the addition of a hyperspace beacon made travel in and out of the Catharia System easier and safer" (or words to that effect).


You scaled this back a fair degree, which is fine. I like how you shifted the emotional aspect along a spectrum. While I recognize that this gives people freedom to react along that thematic emotion, our rule remains that Language that could be interpreted to force another player to do something they do not wish for their character is prohibited. For that reason, I'd ask that you expand on the notion that someone may not be affected at all by this. It might also be good to add another sentence or two that describes the general atmosphere of the area, to help other writers understand the general concept of this nexus.

Please tag me once you have had an opportunity to complete your edits.
I have done so, I hope it is up to standard. If there is anything more I could edit, please list them out.
 
[member="Xanthum the Mighty"]

Thank you for your patience and for taking the time to make those edits. I think that we've cleared through all the major points of possible confusion, though there are just a few more ideas that I believe would benefit from some additional detail before we move on to your second reviewer.

Xanthum the Mighty said:
  • System Features: Class B Star, One Colonized Moon, One Toxic Uninhabited World, Two Gas Giants (Tibanna and Oxygen Respectively), Narthari Asteroid Belt (Iron, Gold, Copper, Silver, and Tin), Hyperlane Generator Beacon, with a rotational period of approximately 25 Hours, alongside a year of one galactic standard year (365 Days).
This is a little cluttered at the moment. I'd recommend organizing this to make clear to the reader just what the astronomical structure of the system is. This could be done either as a nested list or by structuring the sentence so that its clear what the layout of the system is. For example, what world is orbited by the colonized moon? Which planet has the 25 hour rotation period?

I note that you've renamed the Slip Space Beacon / Gate as a Hyperspace Generator Beacon. The word generator would appear to indicate that the satellite is what is causing the hyperspace travel. Are you sure that you're intending this to be a hyperspace beacon and not a hyperspace cannon? If you wanted to use a hyperspace cannon, that would be fine and the word choice would be fine in that instance. If I'm correct, just hyperlink hyperspace cannon where it says Hyperspace Generator Beacon.

Obviously, if that's not correct then just delete the words 'generator' and that would be fine.


Xanthum the Mighty said:
  • Major Locations:
2. Xzeench: The second largest city on Cathay. Primarily settled by former Sith Soldiers and Dark Jedi. Headquarters of the Catharian Navy. Founded by Xzaien's followers as a secondary place of dark-side power alongside a research base used by Catharian Scientists to reverse engineer Precursor technology.

3. Solus: The third largest City on Cathay, a trading hub directly on the road to Xzeenia. Settled by Republic Deserters and home to the Catharian Light Side Sect, known as the Tacitus Je'daii, former Jedi disillusioned with the Jedi Council during the Mandalorian wars alongside those who fled the known Galaxy to flee the First Jedi Purge.
Xanthum the Mighty said:
HISTORICAL INFORMATION

What is known despite the inability to find its starmap was that Xzaien eventually discovered Cathay and colonized it with a small band of Dark-Siders known only as the Knights of Xzeench who over the next few years restored many of the amenities that were located on Cathay such as the reactivation of its Hyperlane Generator, and the Massive Turbo-laser cannon located in the Capitol City. Once news of its discovery reached the ears of those displaced during the Mandalorian Wars and subsequently the First Jedi Purge, Cathay soon became a haven for Cathar refugees fleeing the Mandalorian Genocide of their species on their home world alongside Mandalorian Deserters known as the Repentant, Mandalorians who directly refused the Order to exterminate the Cathar on their homeworld and fled alongside the Cathar. These Mandalorians accompanied the first groups of fleeing refugees to protect them from being intercepted by Mandalorian vessels as they made their escape. As they arrived on Cathay, they tore Cassus Fett's emblems off their shoulders and declared loyalty to Xzaien's Autocratic Government. The early refugees viewed the Repentant as protectors and defenders.

Subsequently following the end of the 1st Jedi Purge and subsequent disappearance of both Meetra Surik and Revan into the Unknown Regions, Sith Remnants calling themselves the Eradicators arrived on planet and declared loyalty to Xzaien, shortly followed by Republic Deserters also known as the 7th Core Fleet lead by famous Republic Rear Admiral Raxis Keyes who also declared loyalty and were subsequently made into citizens by Xziaen. Shortly after Xzaien was crowned Queen and soon Cathay entered a golden age of technological advancement and cultural growth. With the Repentant growing in numbers. Soon, Xzaien made the Repentant into the Government's Senate and Imperial Guardsmen and as such, to this day the Guardsmen bear the Mandalorian influence they were derived from. T Shaped visors and flame throwers. What followed was a massive ecological restoration project on the world of Cathay to restore its Class II atmosphere into a Class I atmosphere. It did eventually succeed ten years after Revan's disappearance into the unknown regions. What is odd, is that Xzaien ordered its Gate shut down and the civil populace placed into the same hibernation pods the precursors placed themselves in vain to survive. But, thanks to technological developments and enhancements the Pods were safe to use. Only five years ago did the first groups of Catharians awake from their several millennia long hibernation and soon spread across their sector. Only now, was the Hyperlane Generator re-opened and news reach the Sith and Jedi. What is to be seen of this new minor power, has yet to be felt.
A few things of note.

One, I appreciate what you've done with the Mandalorians/Repentent in the history.

Second, as I understand your submission, you have a Tale of Two Cities here. One populated by Dark Side Force Users and the other predominantly a Light Side Sect. That appears to align with the history, but how does the society and culture avoid war given the ideological divide there? How is peace maintained between these populaces? If it is related to the reverence/worship of Xzaien, then perhaps you could expand on how she maintains popular support of opposed socio-political groups with a history of fighting wars against each other (which I understand is also how they came to be in her service).

Finally, I'm still seeing inconsistent references to the satellite in orbit. In some places, it is still referred to as Gate, in others its a Hyperspace Generator Beacon. Please go through the submission and change those references so that the historical information matches the description in the System Features section of the template.

Please tag me once you have had an opportunity to complete your edits.
 
Zardu Hasselfrau said:
[member="Xanthum the Mighty"]

Thank you for your patience and for taking the time to make those edits. I think that we've cleared through all the major points of possible confusion, though there are just a few more ideas that I believe would benefit from some additional detail before we move on to your second reviewer.


This is a little cluttered at the moment. I'd recommend organizing this to make clear to the reader just what the astronomical structure of the system is. This could be done either as a nested list or by structuring the sentence so that its clear what the layout of the system is. For example, what world is orbited by the colonized moon? Which planet has the 25 hour rotation period?

I note that you've renamed the Slip Space Beacon / Gate as a Hyperspace Generator Beacon. The word generator would appear to indicate that the satellite is what is causing the hyperspace travel. Are you sure that you're intending this to be a hyperspace beacon and not a hyperspace cannon? If you wanted to use a hyperspace cannon, that would be fine and the word choice would be fine in that instance. If I'm correct, just hyperlink hyperspace cannon where it says Hyperspace Generator Beacon.

Obviously, if that's not correct then just delete the words 'generator' and that would be fine.




A few things of note.

One, I appreciate what you've done with the Mandalorians/Repentent in the history.

Second, as I understand your submission, you have a Tale of Two Cities here. One populated by Dark Side Force Users and the other predominantly a Light Side Sect. That appears to align with the history, but how does the society and culture avoid war given the ideological divide there? How is peace maintained between these populaces? If it is related to the reverence/worship of Xzaien, then perhaps you could expand on how she maintains popular support of opposed socio-political groups with a history of fighting wars against each other (which I understand is also how they came to be in her service).

Finally, I'm still seeing inconsistent references to the satellite in orbit. In some places, it is still referred to as Gate, in others its a Hyperspace Generator Beacon. Please go through the submission and change those references so that the historical information matches the description in the System Features section of the template.

Please tag me once you have had an opportunity to complete your edits.
I have added a paragraph to explain how unification occurred. Aswell as fixed any minor problems that I could see.
 
[member="Xanthum the Mighty"]

Those dastardly Republic villains! As a former Sith writer, I can appreciate what you did there with the history addressing the unification of those political divisions.

In any event, I have only 2 comments remaining and then I believe you'll be ready for your second review.

Xanthum the Mighty said:
  • System Features:
  1. Class B Star,
  2. One Colonized Moon,
  3. One Toxic Uninhabited World,
  4. Two Gas Giants (Tibanna and Oxygen Respectively),
  5. Narthari Asteroid Belt (Iron, Gold, Copper, Silver, and Tin)
  6. Hyperlane Generator Beacon,
  7. Cathay has a rotational period of approximately 25 Hours, alongside a year of one galactic standard year (365 Days).
Thank you for doing the list, but let's organize this just a tad more. For example, what planet does the moon orbit? What number of solar orbital position is Cathay in? Is it the fourth planet? Further out? Closer in? Where is the asteroid field located (outer orbit, mid-system)? Finally, please hyperlink either hyperspace beacon or hyperspace cannon where you have the Hyperlane Generator Beacon so that it is clear what this is.

Xanthum the Mighty said:
But now a nation with a Army, Navy, and a Flag. This peace, would bring great boons to Cathay's peoples and it would remain for years. But, after a few years a peculiar order came down from Xzaien...

Xzaien almost at a random time ordered Cathay's Hyperlane Beacon shut down and the civil populace placed into the same hibernation pods the precursors placed themselves in vain to survive. But, thanks to technological developments and enhancements the Pods were safe to use for however long they would remain. Only five years ago did the first groups of Catharians awake from their several millennia long hibernation and soon spread across their sector. Only now, was the Hyperlane Beacon re-opened and finally let news reach the Sith and Jedi. What is to be seen of this new minor power, has yet to be felt.
This reads as a bit confusing. Was there something that precipitated this? I understand if you don't want to go into exacting detail so to leave room for story reveal in your plots, but was this random declaration caused by a vision that Xzaien had? Was it in response to a pending disaster?

I believe once those points are addressed, you'll be ready for the next review.

Please tag me once you have had an opportunity to complete your edits.
 
[member="Zardu Hasselfrau"] | [member="Xanthum the Mighty"]

Greetings,

I'll be handling your secondary review for this planet. As mentioned before - This is a great first submission. Nice job! There are just a few things to go over.

1.)
Xanthum the Mighty said:
One Toxic Uninhabited World, located in the Goldilocks Zone: Telos IV atmospheric Contamination


What exactly is meant by "Telos IV atmospheric Contamination" in this context? It's true that Telos IV had a corrosive atmosphere after a series of events, however, there was a large restoration project that was involved in correcting this. Is it just similar to Telos IV when it was still devastated? Is this the world that is referenced in the history as having become toxic? Please clarify the wording and be sure to link Telos IV.

2.)
Xanthum the Mighty said:
Two Gas Giants (Tibanna and Oxygen Respectively), far behind the Asteroid Belt


Please link Tibanna. Though part of the system it could come into play for future role play and not everyone will know what that is.

3.)
Xanthum the Mighty said:
Location: Hex Right of Bogo Rai

Please link Bogo Rai.

4.)
Xanthum the Mighty said:
Major Imports: Duraplast, Mandalorian Iron, Plastoid,

Please link Mandalorian Iron.

5.)
Xanthum the Mighty said:
Unexploited Resources: High Levels of Uranium, and Kolto, this Kolto deposit has been renamed "Xensto" and is very rare to come by.

Please link Uranium.

6.)
Xanthum the Mighty said:
Force Nexus (Optional): Darkside Intent: The intent is to create a large force nexus equal to the power of Telos IV or Taris.

You can remove the word "Optional" next to Force Nexus and please link Taris. (I've already asked that Telos IV be linked above and it doesn't need to be linked twice, unless, you would like to.)

7.)
Xanthum the Mighty said:
Affiliation: Xzaien / Catharian Hegemony

Nothing needs to be edited here. Just a friendly reminder that if and when you choose to create the Catharian Hegemony as a faction, or, an organization please remember that you can always update your planet submission to edit in the affiliation link via the Sub-Mod Thread.

8.)

Xanthum the Mighty said:
Native Species: Precursors: Human-like Aliens that reached great technological heights prior to the expansion of the Kwaa and the Rakatans. All extinct. Immigrated Species: Cathar, Humans, very few Trandoshans and Sith Pure-bloods. The latter of which exist only in the Dark Side Monastery in the center of the crater as seers and instructors. Population: Heavy : 3,000,000 Demographics: Approximately 60% Cathar of Varying ethnicity, and 40% of Human Colonists among others. Primary Languages: Cathar, Galactic Basic
Native Species - The "Precursors" seem to draw a lot of inspiration from the HALO Precursors. From the way the developed the world initially to the advanced technology they offered. Please add a Precursor link to the "Links Section" beneath the Intent Section at the top.

Immigrated Species - I would suggest linking the Cathar, Transdoshans, and the Sith Pure-Bloods.

Primary Language - If you mean to say they speak the language of the Cathar - This is actually Catharese.

9.) Hyperlane Generator Beacon

Can you please explain what you intend for the Hyperspace Beacon to do for your planet? I appreciate that you've made efforts to flesh this out more but I'm afraid I'm still rather unclear of the intended function. We need to make sure that you're using the right tech here. Hyperspace Beacons, per the Wookie, are used as fixed navigational points to allow guidance on charted hyperspace lanes. It can take 20 of them on a local network, not, just one stationed on a planet. They actually can't be fixed to a planet because they need to be "in open space" to avoid the effects of gravitation messing with the data. In essence they are supercomputers that were long ago made mostly obsolete by navicomputers/astromech droids.

This line from the History: "These humanoids expanded past their system upon the discovery of a Hyperlane Beacon a Precursor made structure that allowed for FTL travel between two systems via a plantation of a beacon." seems to imply that they were able to use a beacon to jump between two systems. That isn't how these beacons work. They would had to have gone out, placing beacons as they went, found the system, and then perhaps used them to to find their way back to Cathay. It's something designed to "lead" ships in the right direction.

The way the above is worded it seems like we're shooting for a Hypergate in disguise. As they are banned, we have to ensure the functionality of what you're looking for does not mimic that, simply, placed incorrectly under another name.

Perhaps you are looking more for a Hyper Space Canon? Please let me know your thoughts on this. Knowing what you fully intend will go a long way to helping me find out what tech you need.

10.) History

You have a lot of canon worlds and events mentioned in this submission, which is wonderful, but I would suggest sweeping through this section and providing links so that members will be able to understand what they're reading and have a point of reference. It's especially important for some of them because this submission heavily begins with the events of the Battle of Cathar.

I would suggest placing these in the "Links" section beneath "Intent" or you can hyperlink them directly in the sub.

Examples:

Cathar
Battle of Cathar
First Jedi Purge

There are definitely others, but, anything you see that a writer/member may not recognize would be of great assistance.




I know that this is a lot to go over, but, most of it is just linking appropriately. The biggest hurdle will be figuring out the "Hyperlane Generator Beacon" and exactly what purpose you intend for it to serve. Thank you so very much for working with us and if you need help, or have questions, don't hesitate to tag.

When you've made any edits you want reviewed as well - Please tag me.
 
[member="Zardu Hasselfrau"] | [member="Xanthum the Mighty"]

Thank you for making the changes thus far, however, my main question remains unanswered. I apologize for repeating this - But planet submissions require a little more detail than others.This submission has a lot of references to something that still sounds like a Hypergate.

52a34bf0bb1523b22a83046b871c902d.png


What function do do you intend for the Hyperlane Generator Beacon/Hyperlane Cannon Station to serve? Is it a space station that's connected to the planet? If that's the case you'll either need to find a canon space station model to link it to, or, you'd need to submit one to the factory. This is why we need to know exactly what you want this item to do. This is something we need to figure that out before we can continue.



History:

If you were looking for more Canon Events/Items/Notable Characters/Locations that could be linked for clarity - They are very easily found in your submission. I will list a few below as you have requested it but this is something that you can certainly sweep through and ascertain on your own.

Yavin IV
Kwa
Rakata
Ruusan Reformation
Mandalorian Wars
Meetra Surik
Revan
Rear Admiral Raxis Keyes [Your NPC]

I would also suggest breaking apart some of the paragraohs to make them smaller so they can be read more easily.




Just as before - If you need help or clarification feel free to tag.
 
[member="Xanthum the Mighty"] | [member="Zardu Hasselfrau"]

I think we're almost there. Just a few adjustments to make:

1.)
Xanthum the Mighty said:
Hyperlane Cannon Station: A massive mega-structural Hyperspace Cannon, inhabited with a large shipyard, Civilian Colonist quarters, and a Naval Academy. Connected to the surface of Cathay with a Space Elevator.
You also refer to it as a "Hyperlane Cannon Station" in this section - Is the word "Hyperlane" hold over from the previous edits or did you mean to call it that? I ask because you bounce back and fourth in the "History" section and it should be referred to as a "Hyperspace Canon" to alleviate any confusion. Please use "Ctrl+F" on your keyboard and search the word "Hyper" and replace the words that have to do with the "Hyperlane Canon" with "Hyperspace Canon".

The above section is also very unclear. A "Massive Mega-Structural" Hyperspace Canon? Shouldn't it be something to the effects of a mega-structural space station that contains the following items? It's called a Hyperlane Canon Station but really - It holds much more than that. I would suggest the following:

Choose a name of your own for the Space Station and rephrase the quoted line with the links as as shown, something, like this example below:

"Place Holder Space Station Name: A massive mega-structural space station, inhabited with a large shipyard, Civilian Colonist quarters, and a Naval Academy. It is connected to the surface of Cathay with a Space Elevator and also contains a Hyperspace Canon."

2.)
Xanthum the Mighty said:
Native Species: Precursors: Human-like Aliens that reached great technological heights prior to the expansion of the Kwa and the Rakatans. All extinct.

You linked Precursors here, however, it should be linked at the top of the submission in the "Links" section under "Intent" because we're just providing credit for inspiration. It's not an actual link to a species submission. Please move the link.

Again, let me know if this doesn't make sense.
 
[member="Xanthum the Mighty"] | [member="Zardu Hasselfrau"]

Almost there. So close!



Xanthum the Mighty said:
Hyperspace Cannon Station 'Cathay Prima' : A massive mega-structural Hyperspace Cannon, inhabited with a large shipyard, Civilian Colonist quarters, and a Naval Academy. Connected to the surface of Cathay with a Space Elevator.

This section is still incorrect. It still links to a Hyperspace Beacon and is still too unclear. Please reference what I suggested again:



Srina Talon said:
The above section is also very unclear. A "Massive Mega-Structural" Hyperspace Canon? Shouldn't it be something to the effects of a mega-structural space station that contains the following items? It's called a Hyperlane Canon Station but really - It holds much more than that. I would suggest the following: Choose a name of your own for the Space Station and rephrase the quoted line with the links as as shown, something, like this example below: "Place Holder Space Station Name: A massive mega-structural space station, inhabited with a large shipyard, Civilian Colonist quarters, and a Naval Academy. It is connected to the surface of Cathay with a Space Elevator and also contains a Hyperspace Canon."

Please tag when you're ready for me to look again.
 
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