Decisions

[Lira Dajenn]

Lira sat by herself on a small bench in the sky Garden of the Cato Neimoidia temple.

She had neither her lightsaber nor her lightwhip on her, and her loose fitting robes were a drab beige. Lira's hair was a mess and she had bags under her eyes, looking as though she had just risen out of bed and not bothered taking a shower for a few days. She frowned slightly her hands tightening on the edge of the bench.

Lira still didn't quite know how to act.

Her dreams were plagued by memories, her thoughts were wracked with what had happened. It was difficult to function, and she had yet to talk to anyone.

She knew that everyone knew, Avalore, Hal, the others that lived here at the Temple. They all knew what she had done. It had only been a day and a half now, and she knew that today Hal and Avalore would return. They had been caught up on Ossus on business, Lira herself had been sent straight home, straight back to Cato Neimoidia.

Lira chewed on her lower lip, anxiety running through her.

 

[Hal Terrano]

Hal and Avalore did not return together.

Healer duties had left the woman behind in Manaan's aftermath, tending to every single person that she could. The battle didn't end for a healer when the guns stopped, no, that's when it really began. Hal had been there briefly, it was panicked, there were too many bodies and not enough room, not enough hands to tend to the wounded.

Not able to offer much assistance the blonde Jedi was sent back to Cato Neimoidia, only after a brief stop at Ossus, where the rest of Manaan's details were filled in.

Much to his horror.

His Padawan, in one fell swoop had killed more people than most Sith would in their entire life.

Upon arriving back at the temple there was only one destination, a confrontation. Hal himself was in the wrong state of mind for such affairs but he wouldn't shirk away from getting answers, in fact his Avalore-inflicted agony needed an outlet.

Another crippling nail in his hypocrite's coffin. Hal Terrano, failure Jedi, atrocious mentor, unloved and lagging behind.

Dark circles stained his eyes, as if sleep could have been an option. He marched towards the sky gardens feeling the presence of [member="Lira Dajenn"] like a wound in the Force. What would he say? What would he do? Heck, Hal didn't even have answers to this question, bile rising in his throat, a sense of genuine anger threatening to burst through.

“What did you do?!”

 

[Lira Dajenn]

Lira jumped.

There was no other word for it, had she been able to she would have crawled out of her skin and permanently left wherever it was she was sitting. She didn't want to be there, she didn't want to get yelled at by Hal or anyone else. Tears were already welling in her eyes and her entire body began to shake uncontrollably.

“I...I...I.” She stuttered out towards Hal.

She didn't really know what to say to make it okay, there wasn't really anything she could say to make it okay. The fact was that she had done something, and that something had had consequences worse than she could ever imagine.

“I killed them.” She didn't try to pretty it up or make herself look good, she simply accepted what she did. “I crashed those ships, and I kill them.”

 

[Hal Terrano]

He was not softened by her stuttering.

No sympathy surfaced throughout the cracks that were clearly showing upon the surface of Hal Terrano. If he had managed to sit down and contemplate the matter it was likely that [member="Lira Dajenn"] didn't kill fifty thousand people out of malice, or because she wanted to. The realm of space battle was probably where most lives were lost. He didn't like it, but that was a fact of war. Men and woman pouring themselves into metal structures to become part of the rubble of war when met with a bigger gun.

His advance didn't stop, and as he approached the benched Knight the rage began to appear upon his usually stoic features. This wasn't of course, all Lira's fault but a culmination of factors that were beginning to break his back.

Of course she didn't know that.

Hands shot out to grab the collar of the woman's robe, an extremely unexpected and uncharacteristic move on Hal's part as he went to pull her up off the bench and right into his face.

“WHY?!”

 

[Lira Dajenn]

[member="Hal Terrano"]

Shock played across her face, but she couldn't look Hal in his eyes. Genuine fear played through her, concern, worry, but most of all terror. This wasn't like Hal, was what she had done so bad? Had it been so horrible?

Yes.

She bit her lip, tears falling down her face, deep breaths struggling to reach her lungs.

Why?

He screamed at her, yelled at her. Lira's breath caught in her throat, instead of words a loud howling whail of a cry escaped passed her lips, tears beginning to flow. Her mind rushed and pushed itself, trying to find words, thoughts, anything that she could cling to, anything that she could say to appease his anger, to make it all okay.

She wanted it to be okay.

“To-to-to.” She stuttered in between sobs. “To stop them.”

 

[Hal Terrano]

To stop them.

To stop them.

So many Jedi instead of seeing from a viewpoint of preserving life, saw their duty to vanquish the Sith. Both ideals had similar goals, but in the same breath they were so very different. It wasn't supposed to be to stop them.

It was supposed to be to save them.

Face reddening, eyes bloodshot and bulging he jostled the collar of her robe again, as if he could shake away her sins.

“YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A JEDI!”

Somebody was supposed to be a Jedi, but there seemed to be none at the scene.

His words were violent and stinging, far removed from anything that might have come from Hal Terrano, mouth spraying the woman with furious spit. The robes were bunched in white knuckled fists as he shoved his Padawan away, not caring if she fell over the bench or not.

“If you want to play fleets and kill Sith, [member="Lira Dajenn"]...”

Heavy breathing. Voice a low rumble. Tears welling in his own eyes.

“...then you remove those robes and leave this temple.”

 

[Lira Dajenn]

She didn't know what to do.

Was she supposed to free herself from him? Was she supposed to strike him to move him? Was she supposed to agree with him? Leave? Run?

What was Lira supposed to do?

She began to cry.

This time it was not just a flow of soft tears, not just some sobs, but full on crying. Snot running from her nose, tears streaming from her face, struggling for breath crying. It was all that she knew how to do, it was all that she could do.

Hal was yelling, he was screaming.

...But he was right.

 

[Hal Terrano]

Made a woman cry.

That was an achievement that Hal Terrano could now check off his list.

He simply looked down at Lira, his chest heaving with the harsh breaths that were far too desperate to leave his lungs. He had never embraced his anger before, not like this. It made him feel sick, even more disgusted at himself than he currently was.

Evidently Cato Neimoidia was the home for the poor and faithless Jedi of the Republic.

It was his duty to be there for [member="Lira Dajenn"], it was more than evident that her own guilt was overwhelming never mind the fury of those she was fearful of disappointing, the strain of fifty thousand lives on her shoulders.

More than ever he had to support her. The wrath of judgement would come from others, from herself but it couldn't come from him.

But Force, it was hard.

“Get up,” he ordered, icy eyes glass as his own tears welled.

 

[Lira Dajenn]

She did.

It was the hardest thing she ever had to do in her entire life, but she did. Lira stood up from the bench, shame in her eyes staring daggers at her own feet.

There was a slight temptation to turn away from Hal, to turn away from herself, to turn away from everything and anything and simply end it. That was the force that weighed on her, the pressure that her own actions had put on her. The guilt that she felt ate away at her, bit at her and consumed her thoughts. Thick tearful sobs echoed in the sky gardens as she stood in front of Hal Terrano.

She knew what she had done was wrong.

She knew it would push her and press her the rest of her life.

But she didn't know if she could suffer through that, if she could take it and live with it. The judgment of people...the judgment of her master. Lira tried to look at Hal, but the shame was too great.

Her eyes stayed on her feet.

 

[Hal Terrano]

Good, at least she could get up.

They both faced great obstacles in this scenario. Lira's actions would likely serve to haunt her until her dying days. The morality of those she killed was moot. He had tried to teach her about the importance of every life, from an innocent civilian to the Dark Lord of the Sith. Every single life, no matter what the affiliation, no matter what crimes committed.

As Jedi it was their duty to defend the weak. Sith and criminals were deceptive, for they may have seemed to be strong and held power but in reality they were some of the weakest, the most broken and it was arguable that they were in need of defending the most.

Not slaughter, not killing. Vengeance masquerading as justice.

On an ordinary Hal Terrano day this is where the talks would begin, to renew understandings of philosophies and to discuss in a calm, dignified environment. They would rebuild. They would discuss these demons.

Calm, dignified Hal Terrano however, was not in.

As [member="Lira Dajenn"] directed her gaze downwards towards her feet the usually stoic Knight took a step towards the smaller woman and wrapped his arms around her. A hug. Fatherly in nature, he needed it almost as much as he did.

“I...am sorry, Lira.”

 

[Lira Dajenn]

Lira sobbed.

In a near instant she wrapped her arms around Hal and began to cry into him.

There was no more dignity, no more holding back, nothing. Lira simply cried. It could have been a few seconds, a few minutes, or perhaps even hours. Lira didn't know, she couldn't know, all that she could do was cry.

So she did.

His words were heard which caused her to cry more, trying to force out “So-sorry.”

It was all she could manage. She wanted to tell him that she wanted to go back, that she wanted to stop herself, to save those lives, to halt her actions. She wanted to say that she was guilty, that she was evil and bad and that the death of those men and women would haunt her until her final days. Yet all she could do was cry.

 

[Hal Terrano]

From there he just stood, allowing his Apprentice to sob into his chest. Hal wasn't particularly perturbed by the thought of a tear-stained, snot-ridden robe. What he needed to do, is stand strong and be there, no matter how hard, no matter what his feelings were on Lira's actions, he just had to be present.

His hand came up to rest upon the back of her head, as if that could reassure her that everything would be all right. After a period of nothing, he finally ended the embrace. Looking at the woman with only a mild crease in his brow.

“Lira,” he said as softly as his monotone can muster, “we are going to talk about this.”

A pause.

“But first, something to eat.”

Avalore had manage to inspire a strange belief in the Knight that food held a certain comfort for the soul. Even if it was just porridge. Nevertheless Hal imagined that she hadn't had a scrap to eat since getting back to Cato Neimoidia.

[member="Lira Dajenn"]

 

[Lira Dajenn]

[member="Hal Terrano"]

She nodded. Again she couldn't speak, the lump in her throat was the size of a pinecone and the breath had been taken away from her long ago. She didn't know what to do with herself, but Hal seemed to have switched gears.

Lira didn't understand.

But she didn't need to.

All she needed to know was that Hal was being nice, he was being supportive, and he was willing to talk. That was enough, that was enough for her to stay on her feet.

She nodded to him again as he spoke of going to the dining hall, and with quiet sobs Lira followed after him. The walk was silent, punctuated only by quiet crying noises that came from Lira, slowly dying down to only the occasional sniffle.

 

[Hal Terrano]

Despite seemingly doing a one-eighty on his stance upon her atrocities Hal was still conflicted, he was still angry, still disappointed. He'd simply manage to wrangle the surging feelings and shove them back into the bottle, which, as Diana Moridena had predicted, was breaking.

However, he had to help.

When Sopher Jacobs turned up broken and tired upon their doorstep he had talked about the importance of supporting your fellow Jedi. Sure, he already felt the brand of the hypocrite across his chest but sure that didn't mean he was going to stop trying to practise what he preached.

Once at the dining hall, Hal made his way into the kitchen, instinctively going for the storeroom where the oats lived. Porridge didn't just provide long lasting energy and fibre. It was hearty, warming, he might have even called it soulful if not for the fact that Avalore would have heavily disputed that. The breakfast soup.

Oats in pan. Water in pan. On to boil. Wait.

This entire time they had moved in silence, only the dying sob or sniffle escaping from [member="Lira Dajenn"]. He moved back to her, seating the woman down at a table as Hal opted to stand instead.

“I understand,” he said hesitantly eyes staring off into the nearest wall, “I understand why you did it.”

 

[Lira Dajenn]

Lira sat herself down at the table, her hands folding into her lap and her head still hanging down. She still couldn't look him in the eyes. She still couldn't bring herself to actually look up and see Hal, see her Masters face.

She was afraid of it.

Not that he induced that same kind of fear anymore, not that he scared her in that way. He had before, when he had screamed and yelled, when he had picked her up from the ground and shaken her, but not anymore. She understood why he had done that, why he had been so angry. She had wanted to do the same thing to herself since that very day.

“I.” She began to speak, but then shook her head.

There wasn't any excuse for what she did, but she tried to speak anyway.

“I...I.” It was so hard. “I thought there wasn't any other way.”

Could the Republic fleet have won without what she did? Lira had no idea, but there had been a chance a chance that she hadn't needed to do it, that she hadn't needed to kill all those people, and thats what ate at her.

 

[Hal Terrano]

Given that he was the absolute master of porridge making, Hal knew exactly to the second how long he had to wait until the water was brought to the boil and he could begin the process of simmering. He had it down to a fine art.

Hal frowned at the woman's response, knowing that she was likely right given her situation.

That was the issue with fleet battles. The name of the game was annihilation, ships could communicate surrender but it never seemed to happen that way. Do or die was the sitation in large concrete letters.

With the theory that talking about it might help soothe both of their souls, he decided to delver in further.

“I hold the personal belief that space battles should be kept to the Republic military,” he said, openly to her, “we don't belong up there.”

He was open to argument, however. Or rather, I should call it discussion.

[member="Lira Dajenn"]

 

[Lira Dajenn]

She paused for a moment.

“It was where I could help.” She said quietly. “Or...thats what I thought.”

Lira wasn't so sure if she had actually helped now.

Of course The Republic had won the fleet battle, they had destroyed one of the Republic biggest assets and had seen to it that a good portion of the people on Manaan were evacuated, but what had she done that truly made a difference? Could the military have won without her? Could she have done something better on Manaan's surface.

She didn't know. “I'm good with ships.”

Thats all she said, as if it was some sort of excuse for being there.

 

[Hal Terrano]

The issue at hand was morality.

It was true, [member="Lira Dajenn"] did help the Republic up above where they had failed on the ground, ensuring that greater numbers of the population were evacuated and managing to destroy to Hal's understanding, a colossal vessel. Well, if fifty thousand had anything to say about it, colossal was the right word.

“You did help.”

Had the victory above managed to change the circumstance below then one could say that it was justified.

But then how does one justify with lives?

What was Manaan's fate to be under control of the One Sith? On one hand they had Alderaan, which was so cruelly vongformed, it's inhabitants wiped out in a horrific display of what power they wielded. Then you had Coruscant, virtually unchanged minus the switch around in management, the people went on with their lives without another thought. Would the people have been safe? Making the evacuations moot?

But then how does one gamble with lives?

There was no real right and wrong when it came to these matters, through growing up Hal had learned to accept that, but discussion was still healthy.

He frowned, knowing that his Apprentice liked ships, often having to spend time in the blasted things when training with her.

“You still have ships,” he answered, trying to communicate that he wasn't attempting to ban her from the realms of space. He looked to the face of the woman who so wished to avoid all eye-contact with his frown turning to a more puzzling expression, “but those in command of our ships are there for a reason. It is tasked to them to make those difficult decisions.”

This wasn't a discussion to be won or lost, merely new ideas to put forth.

“You can still be upon the ships, help the fleet, perhaps through different means however.”

 

[Lira Dajenn]

She mulled over his words, though the truth was it didn't really matter right now.

The thought of going on a starship made her throw up.

The thought of flying one made her heart begin to race and her breath begin to grow short.

The thought of doing much of anything at all made her want to crawl back into her bed and simply lay there and cry. That was what she wanted to do, she wanted to simply do nothing and live with her shame. Hal's words helped, they pushed her out of that tiny little hole that she had fallen into, but she was still half there.

Fear gripped her.

What if she had to do it again? What if she was in the same position and she did it again? What if that was who she was?

What if she was evil?

“I...okay.” She didn't put voice to her concerns, she couldn't.

 

[Hal Terrano]

A mental alarm went off. The porridge needed to be stirred.

“Battle meditation,” he stated, seemingly out of the blue as he walked back to the hob, grabbing a wooden spoon on his way back. However before he would stir, a vital ingredient was needed. A pinch of salt, even the flavourless Hal Terrano could surrender to that.

Pinch in the pot, he began to stir, turning the heat down for a gentle simmer. He actually found this to be a relaxing task. Which probably explained why he hadn't spoken again, however with the lid back on the pot, the blonde man would get back to the point.

Lira's mind would have surely clicked with what he was suggesting.

“You can give focus to the pilots, help coordinate the fleet and provide morale without putting yourself in that situation again.”

A pause.

“What do you think, Lira?”

[member="Lira Dajenn"]