Private Flood the Soul

[Ala Quin]

The long moment gripped Ala tighter and tighter, until Kaila was there. The moment that she appeared, the fear that threatened to spoil this paradise evaporated into nothing as if it were never there. Her smile, so demure and innocent, caused Ala's face to shine. She was at Kaila's side in a moment, and wrapping her arm around that of the Sith's.

"Your eyes are so pretty," she said, in almost a squeak of joy.

She looked out over the silver lake. A contented sigh wafted on the breeze, and seemed to pull one from Ala's lips. "This. Is my safe place," she said, squeezing Kaila's arm.

"Many years ago...I was killed...by a Sith Lord..."

She did not seem burdened by the story.

"...this is the place I went to before I was finally united with this...cloned...body of myself..."

She started to walk them forward. No distance seemed to pass, no time seemed to flow. It was like the walked and never progressed. The journey was the whole point here.

Ala tapped her ears. "...these are only a feature of the new model."

She walked for a little while longer, leaning her head against Kaila's arm. "I searched for years to find a way back here. Finally found it when I discovered the glowies on Onderon...glowies is what I call those little bug things."

Her walk slowed, and she looked up at Kaila. Her eyes begged for understanding from and to the Sith. She longed her to see the tranquility of this place. This embrace of the light and of her.

"Kaila. There is something here. Isn't there? More than just a flirtation with the opposition?" She said, her eyes glistening with tears that would not flow in a place as serene as this, "I wanted to bring you here so I could talk to you...without...all the pulls of the many voices that speak to us through the Force, the obligations pressed on us by others...I just want to know what you want. And...I want to know if it includes me."

Kaila Irons

 

[Kaila Irons]

"Hm?" Kaila gave a confused but content smile.

"I suppose they have a certain charm, even if changed."

Far as she knew, most sith had eyes like hers. Fiery and golden, though hers tended to lean more gold than fire as she recalled. Not like Ala's, they were no less warm but not aglow, more... soft. Inviting.

Eyes which she looked into with a great curiosity, then concern as Ala began her story.

Killed...? The word struck her viscerally despite Ala clearing being alive and well. She knew logically that she was speaking to a living, breathing woman, that this was no mere illusion despite their dreamlike state. And yet the thought that she could have lived in a galaxy without Ala was... heartbreaking. frightening, even.

And if this was more recent, after those 900 years of Cryo-stasis, was her killer still alive? Would she have to face him? She would, if it came to that.

Ala continued to explain as they began to walk, that she was inhabiting a cloned body in some way, and her features were seemingly manufactured. Kaila payed the fact no mind. As far as she was concerned, there was one quite like Ala, cloned or not. And what a clever one she was, for it seemed she was quite learned in powers beyond Kaila's current understanding. Essence transference in particular seemed to be a likely talent of hers, one which Kaila appeared to pique her interest the moment cloning was brought up.

As did her little bugs.

She recognized that look even in the cave. It reminded Kaila of her own studies, in history and witchcraft, and this became one of the many things she adored Ala for. She recognized a kindred spirit when she saw one.

And that is why what Ala said next, it broke her. Or rather that calculated mask she wore.

"Ala..."

She stopped, circling to face her.

There was a look in her silvery eyes, and her pursed lips which stilled themselves for a time, unsure exactly how to communicate what she was feeling. But this was not the real world, beholden to physical limitations and fearful self control, and so her hesitancy was but a brief stepping stone.

"I spent my whole life thinking I only wanted one thing, even if it killed me... But when I look at you... I feel as though life is worth living, not just destroying."

She cupped the jedi's cheeks, gently tracing her beautiful face up and down with her thumb.

"I don't know what kind of future we can carve out, a jedi and a sith... but..." she shook her head.

"I want you. I want that future to include you. I wish to endure, whatever the cost, for you."



Ala Quin

 

[Ala Quin]

The timeless space froze in that instant. How could this be? A Sith. A Sith proclaiming a future worth fighting for with Ala in it? No. Not a Sith. It was her Kaila.

Ala's chest rose and fell quickly as breathlessness overtook her. What was Kaila saying? What were those words between the lines that she did not say, but Ala felt from her touch and from her now silver eyes? Ala knew what was unsaid. And knew she felt it too. Foolishly. Stupidly. She felt it too. And she wasn't sorry.

Wide, deep brown eyes stared back into the silvery shimmer of Kaila's gaze. "I so long for you to see yourself as I do," Ala whispered.

Eyes open for a time, she leaned up towards Kaila. Ala had to stand on her toes to accomplish the feat, but she managed it again. Her eyes closed just as they kissed. It was gentle. There was no passion, no urgency. There was no lust or fevered need. There was only devotion.

Ala pulled away from the kiss, here eyes searching Kaila's face, while her hands rest on the taller woman's hips.

"They won't let us do this," Ala said, despair threatening to surface.

"I don't even know if we can...do this," she said, her lips curling into a grimace.

One of her hands moved to hold Kaila's hand that still rested on Ala's face. Ala turned, pressing her lips against her lover's hand. She let out a long sigh. Eyes closed in deliberation.

"They will call me a fool. They will call me a traitor. They will call me blind and ignorant. But they will also call me...yours."

Kaila Irons

 

[Kaila Irons]

"I so long for you to see yourself as I do," Ala whispered.

Kaila smiled softly, even as a tear rolled down her cheek.

If only she could. If only she could love that face in the mirror the way Ala seemed to, despite everything which He had done to it, sculping it like helpless clay. But perhaps in time, With Ala's help, Kaila could be truly worthy of the same sort of love she felt for Ala.

"They won't let us do this," Ala said, despair threatening to surface.

"I know." her voice cracked, heralding another tear.

To hear her fears confirmed felt as if an unseen hand pulling her insides upon it's claws. With rumors of increasing hostility within the alliance, no doubt brought on by this pointless war, and men like Darth Carnifex looming over her like the judgmental eye of some dark god, it was becoming increasingly difficult to walk the moderate path.

Sooner or later they would have to pick sides, and these secret meetings in neutral space would have to cease.

"They will call me a fool. They will call me a traitor. They will call me blind and ignorant. But they will also call me...yours."

But Ala it seemed had already chosen.

"Ala..." Kaila sniffled, pulling herself close with an arm wrapped around the Jedi.

"Then please, come with me...! Let us make The Empire, my home, a better place, together."

"Carnifex won't always be my master..."

"I am working with Darth Malum to free myself, and my people. Echnos will become an Inquisition forgeworld. It will be untouchable by the likes of him and then we may live in peace there, or perhaps we begin our great work... Of bringing peace and order our people."

She smiled, despite knowing how easily Ala could turn her down in this instant. But she hoped, against all odds, that she would say yes.

"If we cannot love one another in our respective worlds, Ala..." she pulled back to look her in the eye.

"Let us build a new one, together, where me may share our hearts as we please."



Ala Quin

 

[Ala Quin]

How could it go from hope to despair so quickly? Even as Kaila spoke, Ala's spirit seemed to diminish. She was still so Sith. Empires. Control. Order. Imposing their will upon others.

What did she want from Ala? To give up on everything that made her, Ala. To go into the Sith Empire and be alright? To not thrash against the darkness and despair at the losing battle? She would ask this of Ala so quickly, but not offer to leave the Empire for her.

Was she just another tool to Kaila? Her love a weapon to brandish? Sure, the goal was to build a place where they could love freely. But if loving freely was the truly the goal, why did empires need reforging? It was always about power.

The way she looks at me though.

She hadn't felt this way since Zakk. But she had been so young then. So naive. Was she still naive? Was this all a fools hope?

Something in her chest broke a little. But almost in the same moment, a fire ignited that she felt transform her intent. Her lip stopped quivering. Her eyes stopped watering. She took a breath, and tried again.

"Kaila. In this place. I have seen you as I only felt your before. What once was just me understanding...now I see the person behind that yellow tint in your eyes," she took her by the shoulders, almost forcefully, "Kaila...look at me....look me in the eyes...see...who I see."

Ala moved her hand, placing her thumb in the middle of Kaila's forehead. "See."

She pushed her thumb more firmly, and instantly felt the transference of perspectives. Ala seeing through Kaila's eyes, and Kaila through Ala's.

"See..."

Kaila Irons

 

[Kaila Irons]

There was a shift in Ala that was startling. Something which, accompanied by those words, told Kaila that she had misunderstood the Jedi's intentions, or perhaps been overzealous.

For as complicated as she seemed, Kaila could be quite... direct. Efficient, perhaps, but mechanical. By her logic if one's people would call her a traitor than the quickest solution was to leave, to go where one's talents would be better appreciated. To accept the consequences and to take what she wanted regardless. It was the nature of Jedi after all to deny themselves, why wouldn't one be tempted by the sith?

But perhaps she had forgotten in the moment that the sith had not captured Ala's heart. She did.

She glanced aside nervously, unsure what to do now.

"Kaila...look at me....look me in the eyes...see...who I see."

Ala moved her hand, placing her thumb in the middle of Kaila's forehead. "See."

Until Ala provided her a change of perspective.

For the first time in many years, silver eyes stared back at her, blinking in confusion. She shakily reached up, touching her own face only to feel very real and unmistakably warm flesh. This was indeed her she was seeing even if not from eyes of her own, and yet...

"I... I do wonder if it is not I who has caught your eye... but who I could be." she frowned.​

"...perhaps that is hypocritical of me to say."

Kaila took Ala's opposite hand, not yet breaking their peculiar link, but perhaps establishing a new one.

"You would not be the first to see more than a Sith in me, you know. A jedi knight, Dreidi Xeraic , tried to show me another path, once. I tried for a time but..."

"Hmh." she glanced away, but from which eyes, she did not know.

"Do you believe in fate, Ala? In destiny, and the ways it interacts with the force?"



Ala Quin

 

[Ala Quin]

The diminutive Jedi wilted. This was not going the way she wanted it. Kaila had reacted in a manner she did not expect when the subject of the Force's will came up. Now she asked about fate. Her chest rose and fell quickly as for the first time she felt this all just slipping away.

Fear.

A foe she had long thought conquered. Fear reared its ugly head. Thoughts of loneliness, especially Kaila-lessness, crept into Ala's mind. She was in this place of perfect peace and fear had gripped her.

Never feel her lips against mine. Never feel her touch. Never see her smile. Never know her beating heart. Never know her heat at night.

She should walk away. Not give fear control. For fear to control her in this moment would lead to the dark side. She stood on a precipice with which she wantonly flirted. All for Kaila. Did Kaila understand? If she lost the light, her light, who would she be? Ala could not answer her question.

Instead, she reached forth. She gently placed her hand over Kaila's heart. And Ala closed her eyes. She let the beat of Kaila's heart calm her. She let the calmness slow the beating of Kaila's heart. Together. Peace.

"We are trying to solve problems that are too big for us. Too big...right now."

Her eyes opened. Again, controlled and measured. The Master returning to mentally depose the lovesick girl. A Master that still felt Kaila's heart beat for her. A Master that smiled.

"I do not know how to answer your question of fate," she said, telling the complete truth of the matter.

She stepped close, into Kaila's personal space. The invasion was done with such earnestness and longing in her eyes, it was surely to be excused. "I do know...what has caught my eye in the moment...and being in the moment...is not so wrong," she said, voice husky and eyes darting across Kaila's face, "kiss me before we say something we can't take back. Please."

Kaila Irons

 

[Kaila Irons]

"We are trying to solve problems that are too big for us. Too big...right now."

"...yes, you are right, of course."

Kaila knew in that moment that her own paranoia had gotten the better of her, and that even before that, she was rushing this. And to think that before she was often so paralyzed with indecision, doomed to inaction.

She fought to prevent a third tear from welling, so lost in her own emotions, unknowing how to proceed.

Ala however was something of an anchor in the storm despite the part she played in it's brewing. Her touch was a steadying thing, as was her smile, a thing that could melt through the sith's saddened brooding enough to spread a feint smile across her lips even still, brief as it may have been.

"I do know...what has caught my eye in the moment...and being in the moment...is not so wrong," she said, voice husky and eyes darting across Kaila's face, "kiss me before we say something we can't take back. Please.

She sighed in simultaneous relief and worry for the intense reality of their situation.

Yet she gave in to Ala's advance, wrapping her arms around the jedi as their lips neared, quivering all the while. Her kiss was different this time, no less warm or tender, but controlled. Gentle, and with but brief pause.

"I only want for us to love, genuinely, and unbothered by sith and jedi... but I will pace myself, for you, I will find a way to make this work for us both in time."

She resumed then, picking up the pace slightly, yet still slow and deep.

Even so, a heat rose in her blood as a fire burnt in her heart and behind her lips, controlled as it may be for now. She wanted this to work. She needed this to work not only because she craved this affection, but because she craved Ala in ways she had never craved anyone before.



Ala Quin

 

[Ala Quin]

Moments fell into moments. Their connection cemented in their minds as they embraced their need for one another. As Ala supplicated her desires to Kaila's whims, she felt her intent and decision only deepen. And then, they drifted out of the dream.

They floated in the pool, Ala's shoulders resting against a low ledge. She held Kaila in her arms, the Sith's head leaning against her chest. Ala's heart beat calmly, as her lover listened to each beat. It beat for her.

Ala looked up at the ceiling of the gave, a galaxy of tiny lights putting on their display to the Jedi's delight. Her fingers casually twisted blonde hair around them. It had been like this for so long now, Ala feared they were growing wrinkly together. But she did not want to leave. She did not want to face the decisions that were necessary in the world outside this secret place.

The reality of who Kaila was when away from Ala seemed like the fantasy. Like a story that you dared not believe. This. This surely had to be reality. This connection was real.

"What is it that lead you to the Sith?" Ala said, finally. She was voicing the question that had come out on top of the long list of questions she had. Knowing Kaila meant more than just holding her, it meant understanding her past and the decisions that lead her into the arms of a short, elven Jedi Master.

Kaila Irons

 

[Kaila Irons]

Kaila could have spent days like this, a lifetime, perhaps. In Ala's arms, one hand over hers, fingers intertwined. It was the closest thing to peace she'd ever known, a time when she could close her eyes, smiling serenely as Ala played with her hair and warmed her despite the cool water.

She wished they could stay here, like this, forever.

"What is it that lead you to the Sith?"

That was not truly the case however, as Ala now reminded her of their reality.

Kaila stirred gently in her arms, taking a deep breath, proceeded by a soft, tired sigh, as if woken from a pleasant dream.

"I've... been asking myself that for some time now."

She turned on her side over so slightly to look up at Ala. Though Kaila's eyes had returned to their golden hue since leaving their shared mindscape, they seemed different somehow. Dim, but not with sorrow. It appeared as if the corruption had receded slightly, given into this peaceful embrace for the first time that she could remember. Even this difficult question had not rid her of that restful expression, even tinged with the feintest concern.

"A long time ago, I awoke in a hospital controlled by the Tenth Sith Empire."​

"With no memory as to how I got there."

She nuzzled into the crook of Ala's neck, casting her gaze skyward at the countless glow worms. Though the memory was feint, little more than an image and accompanying emotions devoid of context, they reminded her of the first time she saw starlight from space, and how wonderous it felt.

A momentary reprieve from the memories she had made ever since.

"The next day I was told some nonsense about potential, and then I was invited to meet with The Emperor. I naïvely believed I had a choice, and so I agreed to hear him out... I've been his apprentice ever since."

" Darth Carnifex has been a cruel master, but It wasn't until recently that I became fully aware of what he's done to me."

"He erased my memories, after purchasing me from The Mandalorians as part of some treaty."

Her lips twisted bitterly for a time as she recalled so many long years of service, but in the end, she chose not wallow in the grief, instead holding Ala's hand a little tighter as she explained a new development.

"But I will be free very soon. There is a reformist among the sith who's shown me the full scope of my master's betrayal, and through his help, I have found a way to free myself and my people back on Echnos from his tyranny. Something of a political loophole that would force him to let me go."

She closed her eyes then, nuzzling into Ala again.

"And then my chains are broken. I am free."



Ala Quin

 

[Ala Quin]

Ala just held her close. Keeping Kaila where Ala longed her to be at all times, in her arms. It was odd, to hold the dominant state in this embrace. To have Kaila, who was an ideology driven by power and strength, be so vulnerable and held.

Her lover poured out her heart and Ala felt the cold of Kaila's revelations take her spine. The water quickly felt cold.

"I faced Carnifex in battle...on Exegol...as you can tell...I survived," she said, though did not add the 'this time' that she thought in her head.

"He seemed a cruel and twisted soul. Even I struggled to see the light in him. It was there though. The smallest...almost imperceptible of sparks. Nearly extinguished. A dying ember that fought on. But I could not reach it. I could only distract him for a time."

Ala kissed Kaila's forehead. Soft lips pressing against her Kaila's skin several times. The breathy expression of affection gave Ala time to think.

"Would you ever want to know about your Mandalorian heritage? Family perhaps? A...loved one?" Ala said tentatively.

She so wanted Kaila to be free. But her heart stung with the realisation that the Sith code was not a path to true freedom but enslavement to the Dark Side. Ala did not deem it her place, nor this time, to correct Kaila on this matter. Instead. She just loved her.

Kaila Irons

 

[Kaila Irons]

Kaila groaned sweetly with every kiss, each a thoughtful reprieve from the harrowing tales they shared.

"You are... braver than I." There was an irony to this, that of the two of them, she saw no light, no redeemable quality in the man she hated most. And yet she had never truly faced him, only Ala had.

"Would you ever want to know about your Mandalorian heritage? Family perhaps? A...loved one?" Ala said tentatively.

"Hmmh."

The young sith went quiet for a time, thinking on all she had learned since that day, and all that Varys Amun had told her. There was still so much she didn't know about Clan Solus, but would it make a difference now? They had cast her out, and so she had washed her hands of that adopted culture nearly as soon as she'd found it.

"They sold me." she finally answered, shrugging.

"Those memories are useless to me now, forever sullied. Perhaps it's best they stay in the past."

"But..." she paused again, only to gently kiss Ala's neck, having chosen to focus on building a future for once.

"...I can make new memories now... with you, I hope."

Kaila smiled briefly, so relieved that she could share moments like these, safely. Whatever happened, she would do everything in her power to preserve this, whatever it was they were creating now. Even if that meant... changing, again? Thoughts for another time, perhaps.

"What about you?" she hummed softly.

"From what people does such a beautiful woman hail, I wonder? They must be proud... And how did you become a Jedi anyway? Does it have something to do with that cryo-freeze...?"

She would shift to look up at Ala, an almost child-like curiosity in those faintly golden eyes.



Ala Quin

 

[Ala Quin]

The Jedi closed her eyes, tipping her head back as she listened. She drew leisurely circles on Kaila's shoulder. Just having that connection, that touch of her skin, it felt strangely like home.

The closeness of Kaila helped assuage the deep hurt she felt for her. Through numerous points of her explanation, Ala squeezed her a little tighter. The mere fact that Kaila had this knowledge gave rise to understanding of who she was. Abandonment was difficult to navigate and not something that ever really healed. Ala pressed a firm kiss on the top of Kaila's head, getting a face full of wet hair in the worthwhile exchange.

"Memories with me?" Ala purred, "I already relive the few we have...the idea of adding to my daydreams sounds heavenly."

She let Kaila's follow up query linger for a while. It was not for any great revelation, or build up. It was simply because Ala had become lost in the feel of Kaila's back. Her fingers gently traced the lines of her ribs, and her spine. There was a solidness to her that begged more questions, but it was not her time to ask.

"I was a slave," Ala said, her mind wandering the memories that felt unearned. It was not her life. It was that of another Ala, one that had been replaced by the laboratory created persona with which Kaila had grown attached too.

"Feral. Really. In a Sullustan asteroid mine."

It was a long story. And more complicated than she needed to make it.

"But that is not the Ala you know. Me? Well. This personality...this person...was actually designed in a lab and imprinted on that poor child."

She left out the eventual battle for control of her consciousness, and the ultimate willingness of her feral nature to let go. It had been a journey into the unknown for her. Where she had met demons, and fought those within herself.

She felt her hand's grip on Kaila's waist tighten, as she pulled the muscular frame of the Sith firmly against herself.

"The person that saved me from the lab...Gaven...he was being hunted...and he dropped me off at a temple in the Yavin system. It is ruins now. I have been back...it felt haunted with memories...of people I loved...almost all of them gone."

Without permission, a tear formed and slowly wandered down her face.

"They were my family," her voice cracked with the word family, "those that live today...they are too...but..."

She wanted more. She wanted her own family. Now was not a good time to share that dream.

Kaila Irons

 

[Kaila Irons]

Kaila frowned at Ala's story. Not saddened for herself or any present situation, merely in genuine empathy for all which Ala had been through. And for as much as she wished to relate with the jedi, she would have preferred it not be because Ala shared in such tremendous suffering. But such was the way of the world, she supposed.

"We... are alike, in a strange way." she concluded, although which version of Ala she shared these things with was difficult to comprehend.

"A slave with altered memories, forced to become someone new. Similar beginnings if different outcomes, but two sides of a coin."

Kaila held her tighter in kind, knowing by that faltering voice that this haunted Ala even now, and understandably so. Just a few words painted pictures of a lifetime which had been most unkind, even before that tear made itself known.

A tear which Kaila gently wiped away upon the back of her hand, offering Ala a sad but understanding smile.

"It sounds to me as though we seek more than fate has given us."

She took Ala by the hand, fingers intertwined.

"Perhaps in time, I can help you...? if you wish. I am no jedi, but... neither am I entirely sith, at least not the same way as so many before."

Then she placed that hand over her heart, beating slowly in contentment. In peace.

"Though I suppose you already know that, having touched my heart so. We'll figure it all out eventually."



Ala Quin