Private Ghosts of the Past (Kyra Perl)

[Caedyn Arenais]

As Kyra Perl seemingly agreed and shifted to take a more relaxed position atop her bedding, Caedyn smiled from his beanbag, giving a simple nod of approval.

Where his Padawan may have been feeling weakness above most else, her Master looked upon a Student of the Jedi Path whom proved to be showing the perseverance and the determination required of their true growth within the life. While it was undoubtedly true that Kyra had been through some torrential and terrifying situations over the passed couple of months (even before Yurb), Caedyn Arenais watched as she proved herself unwilling to be deterred by her experiences.

Closing his eyes, Caedyn respected his Padawan's concern and anxiety, instead reaching out to gauge and study her presence in the Force rather than watching from the sidelines. Throughout her practice, he would not aid in her establishing a connection or voiding her mind of her woes, yet simply remain present and aware, while also offering a few words of guidance.

"Our fears and concerns are often the loudest when we feel alone in the quiet" Caedyn spoke softly, "But the Force is always with us and through the Force we are connected to all life, past and present. It is here, that we are never truly on our own and so while meditation without my assistance may seem daunting, remember that your path is also guided by generations of Jedi before you...".

 

[Kyra Perl]

"No pressure, right?" Kyra breathed, her eyes staying closed. Her thoughts swirled, but they always did that. Even in her drugged-haze on the hospital bed the half-present empath's mind had reeled against the world around it. Walls were not something she had yet learned. In fact neither of them were well versed in what she could do.

But they had been breaking ground.

The colors of Yurb swirled through her head. She took a deep breath and thought about white instead. The white morphed to the purple of Nida's hair, red coating her hands as-- Kyra yanked open her eyes, taking a deep breath.

Her thoughts had been centered on her sister lately. It felt normal, she guessed, given she saw her get her eye teared out. But her imagination seemed to keep running away from her, and the dreams...

Nida Perl was so angry in them. So bitter.

Kyra's deepest regret was not putting up a shield in time to save her. If she had been faster, stronger, or even just a little more capable, neither of them would be here.

She couldn't help it, she reached out just a little, her energy brushing against the calm wave of Caedyn Arenais .... and tried again.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

Despite having instructed Kyra Perl to practice meditation alone and without his aid, there were moments where he sensed her reaching out and connecting with him in order to fuel her progress and keep her own track. While this wasn't technically what he had asked of her, he didn't overly mind it as she was trying her best and in that fact alone, Caedyn was both proud and appreciative.

Kyra had become a fine student despite their rocky beginnings. Throughout all her doubts and anxieties, she had persevered and over time she had learned to trust in, and perhaps even rely on Caedyn's tutelage. So far she had come a long way in her personal development, and now he had set her the goal of learning to practice independently, standing on her own two feet so to speak.

-Of course, this wasn't an easy thing to learn and he wasn't surprised to find her struggling with distractions and seeking his help in the beginning, but he had complete faith that she would get there in the end...

While studying her progress however, he couldn't help but feel a sense of guilt come over her. Without invading on the privacy of her own mind, he couldn't know exactly why she was feeling this way, and rather than doing so and risking the loss of her trust and confidence, Caedyn instead opened his eyes and looked upon her out of concern.

"Kyra" He spoke softly, beckoning her attention; "What are you thinking about?".

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra squirmed, peeling one eye open ever so slightly. "...Icecream?" She lied, knowing she couldn't get away with a 'nothing', but trying for a smaller lie all the same. It wasn't that she didn't trust him, or even that she had something to hide. She was just ashamed. Deeply ashamed.

"Shh," she chastised, like a goody two-shoes in a noisy class. She cleared her through and tried to force her thoughts blank, sensing that he had sensed her.

She was such an open book.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

Caedyn's head lifted slightly in a half nod, acknowledging Kyra Perl 's wish not to discuss the true subject that had been bothering her. If she wished to disclose such things to him, then she'd do so of her own free will and he wouldn't force the conversation.

Again, she would resume meditation and again, he would do nothing to assist her in entering into the trance. This was her time, her opportunity to delve deep into the Force of her own free will and control, to find her center and to prove to herself that she could do so as an independent member of the Order.

It was time that Kyra discovered her personal identity as a Jedi.

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra melted in unexpressed relief as he took her answer and let it go. They seemed to understand each other quite well lately, and his decision to not pry was met with a wash of gratitude.

She cleared out her throat and tried again, a subtle squirm rippling through her body. She focused on her breath, the rhythmic rise and fall soothing... as it echoed... through her- memories of gaining consciousness atop Nida Perl 's driod's back came flooding too, the sound of her sister's breath as she was carried besides her triggering the flash back. Kyra's heart rate spiked, her thoughts falling onto Nida again. The force rang with her stress, Nida's voice carrying through to Kyra.

This is how I'm meant to be.

Red flashed across her eyelids. Kyra flinched, pulling out of the trance with a wild jerk.

"I don't wanna do this anymore."

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

Caedyn felt something.

For a split second it was there, tangible and able to put a name to it.

But then it was gone, out of reach and leaving the Jedi Knight to frown in concern for his Padawan and the wonder of whatever it was that he had sensed within her. Whatever she had experienced, for the briefest of moments it had been shared and now it was as though he had been blocked from that feeling once more, lost to his wish to recall upon it, to understand what she had just seen.

"Something is bothering you, Kyra" Caedyn replied in answer to her resignation, "I can see that much, clearly". While she didn't wish to discuss whatever had been on her mind previously, Caedyn had been complacent in leaving it for the time being...-But now that something had reached out to him, he took that as a means of warning or signal...-A sign that they needed to explore how she was feeling.

Such moments could be pivotal in shaping the direction of one's path.

Kyra Perl

 

[Kyra Perl]

A strange wash of tears hit Kyra, the emotion resonating from a place she could not identify. She tried to ignore the prick of goosebumps across her body, showing a rare bout of awareness as she fought against the sadness trying to pull her in.

At first he didn't get an answer, the sound of her panting heavy in the air. It was only after the cold wash of sensations released her that she found her words again. She swallowed hard, admittedly feeling very small.

"I can't forget it. Yurb. What happened to my sister. It's been over month. But every time I try to go silent and shut things out-- it just-- I dunno-- comes back to fill in the gaps. I know everyone was hurt that day," she told him, her voice growing tighter.

"I know its not just me. But- but N-nida!"

Kyra should have been able to put up a damn shield. Kyra had been too distracted. Training could have prevented that.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

​

"It's only been a month Kyra..." Caedyn replied softly, "A lot of people got hurt that day, and many more were killed. It was a full-scale battle, a war...-Far different from any Skirmish or fight you would've seen in any mission before Yurb".

The last all out war that the Silver Jedi Conclave had been a part of was back before Caedyn had returned to Kashyyyk, still with the Enclave of Svivren and the Outer Planets Alliance. He wasn't aware of whether Kyra had been involved or not, and truth be told, he couldn't recall the name of the Planet it had occurred upon.

It was a rather startling fact that gave evidence to how desensitized the Jedi could become to these tragedies. At times needing to be so, in order to voluntary step into another battlefield of it's like again. And again. And again....

"You were fortunate to escape with only your arm and Nida's eye being taken. The moment that ship began to fall upon us...-You did your best to protect everyone". Caedyn paused to reflect on that moment, remembering it vividly. He had called out to her, shouted at her to try and get her to run, not to stand and try to save them all but to save herself; "Like it or not, no one who was there, would have been able to project a shield strong enough to stop the debris from taking us".

The Jedi Knight fell silent for a moment, his gaze looking heavy as though his conscience was weighing on him.

"Beyond everything else, your first priority should be in keeping yourself alive" he soon exclaimed, meeting her gaze with his; "Jedi are not unkillable, in fact we die just as easily as anyone else...-Yet the longer we remain alive, means the more people we may possibly save. A dead Jedi is good to no one" he finished.

In truth, there was an ulterior motive behind the lesson, although it remained true as any other that he had taught her...-But the fact was that Caedyn wanted Kyra Perl to live a good long life, not just for the sake of following the Jedi Path, but for herself to live and find happiness in her being. He didn't ever wish to experience a day where she had been lost to the Galaxy.

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra grew still, Caedyn's lesson resonating with a degree of stress. Kyra had always pictured jedi to be replaceable. At least, that was the rhetoric she had absorbed. The path of sacrifice was a long and ugly one, but someone had to do it, right?

Kyra hadn't sat down today seeking these words, but it didn't change the fact that the unexpected permission to put herself first and preserve her own life was... a relief.

A weight lifted off her chest, a layer of expectation stripped from her concerns as she sat there in bed.

She nodded numbly, picking at the cuticle of her thumb. "...I just want to stop dreaming about it. Even when I try to-try clear my mind. How do you move forward when it just keeps shoving itself back up?" She whispered, looking up as she asked for his guidance. He had told her to try and meditate alone, and there was her block.

Trauma.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

"You have to come to terms with the experience...-Yurb won't likely be the last time you witness something horrific in your life as a Jedi, but learning to deal with trauma does get easier over time" Caedyn replied, giving a half smile yet frowning lightly in a mix of discomfort and the want to reassure her.

"One of the most important differences between us and the Sith is our struggle to accept the loss of life in times of conflict. The fact that you feel so strongly is not only natural, but it's part of what makes us good people and proves that your heart's in the right place" Caedyn added thoughtfully, giving something of a more positive spin on it off the top of his head.

Much of their talks were less Jedi 'scripture' and more Caedyn's ramblings from his own experiences of the past.

"The moment that death becomes an easy or acceptable outcome, is when we need to question who are, our beliefs and values" he continued, pausing for a moment to consider the likelihood that Kyra's future would see more of her friends, peers or innocent people killed during her service within the Order.

"There will be times where it can't be avoided" he looked back to hold her gaze, that wary smile having faded due to the nature and seriousness of the subject, "Part of our burden as Jedi is being able to live with ourselves in the aftermath of missions or experiences where we have to face these things...".

"Yurb was out of our control...-We did all we could to save and defend the Lervon, but we're only sentient beings. As much as people want to believe it, we're not miracle workers, Padawan".

Kyra Perl

 

[Kyra Perl]

That was not what Kyra wasn't to hear. Not because it was wrong, but it was true. The ugly truth of their situration felt heavy and thick on her shoulders. He wanted to comfort her. The reality was she just needed to accept it. Kyra wrapped her arms around herself, falling silent.

Her thoughts were numb for even her, almost as if she had fallen into a state of meditation all over again. She stirred from it, clearing her throat and looking up.

"... Can we try it again? But maybe... we start it together? Just a little?" She pleaded, her energy already reaching out to his. Was his an aid or a comfort? Perhaps both. One thing was certain though. She had started liking the stillness of meditation in her life. She didn't realize the chance in her, only that it was a skill beyond her grasp and he was a shortcut to state of strength that helped her move forward.

Was he enabling her or giving her a safe place to heal? It wasn't clear. But here on this first day, she reached, seeking a little bit more of his guiding had.

This was hard.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

Kyra Perl

Caedyn gave a silent laugh in response, nodding a couple times in agreement.

He could remember his earlier experiences with conflict, and most traumatic were the fields of war forced upon the people by those with the means and power to do so. It was a nightmare for those who were new to it.

As bad as it might have seemed, Caedyn had become somewhat desensitized to the need of dealing with trauma, with death...For Kyra, learning would be a process that unfortunately came with experience, much of which would be hard and horrible to witness but it was also their duty as Jedi.

"Sure" He spoke softly, "We've got plenty of time" he added with a gentle smile. It was true, there was no need to rush things and especially not so soon after everything with Yurb. For a teenage girl, Caedyn figured if it meant getting through one day and onto the next, then the pace didn't matter so much as her state of mind and will to go on.

"Let's get started then...".

~ End of Thread ~​