Hot Coals Beneath My Feet

[Joza Perl]

Joza instinctively stiffened as she felt Solan’s arms wrap around her, but she did not recoil. Instead, she allowed a reflexive fear to overtake her for a few moments, knowing that it would not last long. Solan had never raised a hand to harm her, and she doubted that he ever would. The brief alarm ebbed away, and Joza found herself leaning into his embrace. It had been a good while since she’d felt an honest platonic touch.

Emotions flowed easily between empaths, and the Zeltron now realized how clearly he felt the thoughts that ran through her head. Typically she didn’t feel the need to restrain her own feelings unless around an enemy, but her guard was down.

He was helping more than he knew. A shoulder to lean on was a valuable thing for such a fragile mental state, especially one that didn’t judge.

She chuckled lowly at his words, pulling back a bit so that she could give him a look of mock irritation, though it seemed a bit half-hearted. “Are you telling me that the King of Kesh doesn’t have a few concubines of his own?”

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Aithne Charr]

[member="Joza Perl"]

He laughed as her heard her say that and while he remained hugging her for a few seconds more, it was clear he was going to let go of her. He smiled for once without any force to it, it was natural and he let go before turning to lean back against the couch. He still needed to get the collar off, but he had already disabled the transmitter so there was no worry about someone detonating it on him while she was sititng there. The worst that could happen now was the Zeltron behind him slugging him or worse yet actually doing what that outfit was generally designed for... as much as he enjoyed to taunt his friend, he was unsure how he would actually feel if she did that and right now he had only killing hutts on his mind.

"I hate the idea of concubines, in all honesty. The only people you should ever think of becoming that close to, are those you trust and care for enough to tell them anything. After all, you can't create a future with some nameless and faceless... Not that ive made the mistake of falling to fast for someone. There was once this red head before on Nar Shadaa, me and her had the most wonderful of weeks and suddenly, surprise." He was smiling as he thought back to that week, not even thinking now as he talked and remembered the past memories that came easy to him. Those memories that held not an ounce of pain or sorrow.

His eyes seemed to fade off ass they looked at the far wall, his hands resting on a knee and leaving him to reminisce about the past. He was sure that Joza wouldn't use anything he said against him, she was one of the few people he called friends still. One of the few people he would give his life to see live, one of the few people he would care for if they died. Along with strange fellows like his student Bryce, and the former alliance member Patricia... who disappeared. He would have to hunt her down one of these days. Sure the list of those he trusted was smaller, but it was because he formed stronger bonds with a few people, than a weaker bond with many.

 

[Joza Perl]

As Solan spoke his piece on concubines, Joza had to arch a brow. Had this conversation been taking places years ago, before Joza had the chance to properly leave Zeltros, she would be utterly confused. Sex was sex and love was love. You could certainly enjoy another person’s body without having any sort of responsibility or attachment to them. So long as all parties were willing, there was no problem.

At present time, she was learned enough to understand that many species did not view pleasure the same way Zeltrons did. Even she had her occasional aversions to it, fun-loving Zeltron blood being diluted by the Mandalorian who sired her. How different the two cultures could be on certain aspects—one valued familial ties and bonds heavily, while the other didn’t hold things like marriage in high regard.

Not that Joza had any intention of seducing her friend—truth be told, she was exhausted. Even the idea of laying with someone for comfort was not appealing, and probably wouldn’t be for some time.

“Who said anything about a future?” She mused, fatigue leaking through her voice. As he went on to mention a certain redhead, Joza’s head cocked to the side in renewed interest. Placing her hands behind her on the couch, Joza leaned her weight back onto them. “Between me, Bryce, and this mystery woman, I’d say that you have a type.” Her tone was light, teasing. Who couldn’t resist the redhead charm?

Tilting her chin down to try and catch his gaze as it drifted away, the worn Zeltron recognized the far-off look in his eyes. Reaching up, she placed one hand on his shoulder and squeezed.

“It happens quickly. I’d like to believe that’s how Haytham and I fell for each other.” She mused softly, no hint of malice in her voice. She too reflected on past memories, careful only to focus on a few that were nothing but happy. Her eyes shone brightly for a few moments and the recollections faded before they had a chance to sour. Was it ever really love, or was it a strong infatuation between two emotionally vulnerable kids?

He’d be disappointed in her, she figured.

“I’m guessing she was beautiful?” Her tone was a bit cheeky, trying to keep a lighter mood up.

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Aithne Charr]

He laughed to himself as she mentioned his having a type, considering how true it was. The fact she mentioned Bryce by name was a curious thing but he figured she knew the kid thanks to the Outback and their operations. It wasn't hard to assume that considering that he had worked with them multiple times... well been in the same place rather. It was rare for hin to actually help out a group wholeheartedly.

He himself thought about her own ideals and how much they differed, how someone who had grown up around a mother and father that were already outcasts. He smiled internary at how they would probably die if they saw him here after the course that his life had taken. So many things had gone wrong for him that sitting here with his friend finally felt right. It was a relief to be able to talk like this.

"I suppose I do, though, I can't say that anyone would blame me for such when it came to that preference. Now would they?"

He smiled as he felt her hand there and nodded before finally reaching out as the need for a drink hit him like a speeder. Her poured the drink while he spoke, looking at the glass with the same faraway look.

"That is certainly true, after all, alot can happen because of the actions of kids. Especially who was just as reckless as you."

He smiled as he compared his younger self to her, the eyes that were always bright moving to look at her as she asked about the woman and while he was smiling, it was clear how sad he was. She had been the most important thing to him, evem after her death, and he had tried to preserve that memory. He drew from his pocket a small stone, the item he called "The Gardener's Heart."

"She was sick, but even then the first time we actually met was when she was helping me recover after getting nealy blown to bits by some person we were trying to shake down when I was a mercenary. She was kind, and the reason I took up the path that I did. Wasn't at all weak though, I'm sure if she wanted too I would get knocked out for doing something stupid. I don't really know how to describe her in a way that actually does her justice."

[member="Joza Perl"]

 

[Joza Perl]

“I certainly can’t.” Really, who could blame him? Even Joza felt a vague sense of kinship with other redheads.

Her eyes softened as Solan elaborated on his lost love. Listening to him talk about her brought a small smile to her face. Just from the way he spoke—and perhaps, the emotions that radiated from him—Joza could tell that he’d cared deeply for this woman. “Sounds like you were once as reckless as you think I am, hm?” Her genuine smile curved into a smirk, though she didn’t tease too heavily.

Pausing, she took note of the fact that Solan was pouring himself a drink. Topics like these could often kick up stronger, sometimes unwanted feelings. With that thought, she reached for the bottle and a glass for herself. Maybe the alcohol would help, or maybe it would make things worse—but she wasn’t going to sit by and let him drink alone, now was he?

Knocking back a quarter of the glass, Joza exhaled with a satisfied sigh and licked her lips. It had been a while since she was allowed to drink, and the familiar burn of alcohol down her throat was surprisingly soothing. “You loved her.” She nodded, as if telling rather than asking. For a moment, she looked as if she was going to continue, but thought better of what she was about to say. And then, she said it anyway.

“What happened?”

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Aithne Charr]

He stared at the drink and moved it around in his hand while they sat there. He had no real surety of anything anymore as it was, most of his life spent trying to find his own place, much less someone important to him. The drink in front of him being stirred by the motion of his hand. His eyes only left it as he brought it to his lips.

She was right though, considering all the burns and wounds he has taken over the years, it was more than surp rising that he was even still in one piece. He would definitely need to thank that echani for her healing one of these days, hopefully thank her wit hour showing up injured again. But as he thought about that, his eyes went to her once again.

"Yes, I was reckless. I couldn't count how many times I've been burned, bruised and broken. Hell some of my injuries make that broken nose you like to get look like a paper cut... not that I don't mind having to patch you up, but don't get any ideas Joza."

His smile was clear once more but her words about his past lover made the smile turn sad once more.

"I had to leave her because I was still working as a mercenary and when I returned I couldn't find her anywhere on Nar Shadaa, I tried but in the end it was impossible... well almost. I learned that she had died a number of years ago and all that remained was the daughter that she had become pregnant with because of our... accidental closeness."

He smiled as he remembered that day.

 

[Joza Perl]

Joza tisked, but held herself back from scolding him. “Paper cuts come by a lot. I’m certain that I’ve had quite a bit worse than broken noses before.” She laughed once, softly. “Though I’m afraid that you’d scold me to death if you ever saw it.” She was grateful that he was able to heal her, especially since her own ability to heal had disappeared. She was never all that great at it, but she wanted to be—and it hurt her more than she’d imagined when she was unable to help fix those she cared about.

She listened quietly as he talked about the woman he loved, her eyes clouding over in empathy when he mentioned that she’d passed. “Solan, I’m so sorry to h—you have a kid?!” Her words of sympathy quickly cut off and gave way to utter surprise, voice raising as it bounced off of the walls. She never expected Solan to have a child, but then again she’d only just found out that he was a freaking King. The man liked his mystery, it seemed.

She blinked, still a bit taken aback.

“I…what?”

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Aithne Charr]

[member="Joza Perl"]

He smiled and nodded to her as she mentoned how he would probably scold her if she told him or showed him. For a moment he said nothing and thought about it before shaking his head this time and responding to her. His voicr actually for once was completely soft and he didn't seem to have any harshness to his voice. It was like he was far more concerned about his friend than even thinking of telling her what she should have done or getting on her about it.

"Joza, I'm happy to heal what ever wound comes your way. Evem if you show up missing a arm, or show up in an outfit that is mwant for a slave with lashes that likely were dealt to you..." He looked at her face as he spoke, making sure she wasn't hiding any wounds. "... I'm here to stand by you Joza."

Then she caught his words about his kid and for a second he seemed to hesitate before nodoing with possibly the largest smile she would ever see from solan as he smiled. He was already looking towards the west wing with a look of conplete happiness.

"Evania is probably still sleeping. She is sick like her mother and has recently not left or eaten much of the food sent to her. She really loves the blue flowers I planted, I even planted one for her two months ago before the memorial parade that happened that day."

 

[Joza Perl]

Joza paused, a look of hesitation crossing her face as Solan spoke to her. But then she smiled, glad to hear that he’d stand by here. “Thank you Solan. You’re a good friend, and I’ve already lost one arm so I’m not too keen on losing the other.” She chuckled softly, flexing the hand of her cybernetic limb.

A look of pleasant focus washed over her features when he went on to talk about his daughter, but was caught off guard by the large smile he wore. Though Solan seemed to be completely at peace, something was…off. She couldn’t place what, but he seemed to be too happy.

She hesitated for a few moments, a bit unsure of what exactly to say to that. So the child was ill? That was unfortunate. But then…

“Solan…” Her voice lowered, though still held a pleasant note of caution. “What was the parade in memorial for?”

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Aithne Charr]

[member="Joza Perl"]

"Hmm?"

He hadn't thought about the parade in a while, and he suddenly had a headache when it came to trying to remember why there was a parade. If he remembered right it had only been a few weeks ago, maybe two months, but it hadn't been a long time and his eyes seemed to look at the far wall as if on it was the answers for her question. He had no idea what to say as he had no idea what the parade was about for some reason and as he continued to think about it his hand went to his chin as he was busy trying to remember.

"I think it was over the removal of the Black Rose from the sky above us... ya, it was probably that. That was about a year ago so it would make sense." He said to her but she would easily tell there was confusion in his own mind over that considering that he didn't remember planning a parade for that reason, and it was a memorial parade at that. Maybe he simply forgot with everything going on, the stress causing his memory to fail for the moment. "Why do you ask?"

 

[Joza Perl]

“Oh, just curious is all.” Something was definitely off. Solan seemed happy on the surface, but she sensed a level of confusion and…was that fear? Anguish? She couldn’t tell. Whatever it was, it was locked deep away, buried in the annals of the man’s mind. Even if she tried to read the waves, she’d only get passing glimpses of what was going on inside. Empaths were so used to feeling the emotions of others that they often took care to hide their own more volatile feelings.

Something was wrong.

But the pink-tinted woman kept up her genuine interest, a little glad that the subject had shifted away from her. “I’ve never heard of your daughter before. Can I meet her, Solan? Even if she’s asleep, I won’t disturb her. I want to see if she looks like you.” She gave him a casual grin, though her eyes reflected concern.

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Aithne Charr]

[member="Joza Perl"]

Solan looked at her as she seemed to e trying to read him for some reason. He had done it a million times and full well knew what the tell tale signs of it were as well as knowing she would do it even if she didn't try to. Even with their methodology differing, he knew the signs of knowing more than your own emotions, and she was someone who he could read rather well considering that she was someone he openly shared his mind with out of those he still knew.

"You know, curiosity is a dangerous thing sometimes Joza." He looked at her more closely now as she looked at him with the same interest before sighing. "Look, i don't let anyone back into the west wing since the last time i had a situation two years ago with security and i get a bit worried if..." His voice cut out as he looked at her face again and his hands were shifting as they clasped together. It was clear that he didn't want to let anyone in that hall, mostly because the last time he had been lax on his security, someone had kidnapped Evania and hurt her before sending Solan one of her fingers in a package. They had been able to save the girl, but rarely did anyone but those he trusted enough go back there.

Was Joza one of those people? His mind asked that question as Kira turned her head from Joza's lap and stared up at Solan. The Ashlan knew something more that Solan couldn't quite retrieve from the creature's mind, but it did counsel him on what he should say or do.

"Joza, ill let you see her but im putting alot of trust into you even by letting you into that hall. Promise me you won't wake her up..." He would wait for her answer before standing and holding out a hand to help the woman out, his smile returned but only slightly as he held his hand out to the Zeltron woman, waiting for her to take it and let him help her up to her feet.

 

[Joza Perl]

Joza nodded slowly, her face taking on a bit of a solemn look, hopefully conveying that she was taking this seriously. Solan clearly cared for his daughter, and as the daughter of a King she could be made a target for his enemies. It made sense that he wanted to keep her protected, but something was still a bit off about this whole thing. Even if there had been security issues in the past, did he think she’d do something to harm the child? She couldn't blame him for being a protective parent.

“Of course, Solan. I won’t make a peep. You have my word.” She returned his smile as she took his hand and got to her feet. Wincing a little, Joza realized how the past few months had taken a toll on her body. Or the struggle that had ensure in the ship, at the very least. Also the fact that it happened to be the middle of the night didn’t help her energy levels.

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Aithne Charr]

[member="Joza Perl"]

He simply nodded to her words and watched as she rose with a bit more effort than he had initially expected. With a sigh his hand he spoke again as he smiled a bit at the woman.

"Do you need me to fetch you a wheel chair or something, you look like an old woman with how you are moving right now Joza..." His hand remained out for her to have some form of support should she needed it before he started to walk for the west hall, his eyes focusing on the hall itself as soon as the door was open. Something changed inside him though, the moment that the door slid open and his eyes looked down the dimly lit hall. A Servant who was nearby even looking shocked by the appearance of the king and blinking as she stared.

Unknown to Joza, Solan had not stepped down this hall for weeks, not touched the door and even now his hesitation with each step grew more and more, walking into it and past the doors. His face slid further and further from a smile to where he simply looked sicker and sicker. His eyes fell from bright to something that was someone in pain and he could only keep walking for about a minute into the hall before stopping and his hand coming to his mouth. Nothing came out but Joza would be able to feel how suddenly sick the man had come, his eyes staring at the floor as he almost double over. The same servant watching with concern and starting to approach slowly while looking at Joza in confusion.

 

[Joza Perl]

At his offer, Joza huffed.

“I’m good, just a bit tired. I’d…also like to see a doctor at some point, if possible.” A wheel chair would have been easier, but Joza would be damned if she let herself be carted around in that thing. She’d manage walking just fine.

As they moved towards the west wing, Joza noted the look of surprise on the palace servant’s face. Was it from seeing Solan, or his guest? Either way, her attention was drawn towards her companion as she felt the life practically drain out of him. He looked pallid, and the light in his eyes faded as he hunched over.

“Solan!” Kneeling down, Joza placed a hand at his back and tried to get him to look at her. “What’s wrong? Can you stand?” She bit her lip, unsure of what to do right now. She could feel some sort of dread emanating from her friend, and it made her stomach twist. This was the sort of time where she mourned her lost healing ability, though it was doubtful that it could help this situation. What was going on wasn’t entirely physical, that much she could gather.

“You—“ She spoke in a hushed tone, gaze catching that of the approaching servant. “Go and fetch a medic, quick!”

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Aithne Charr]

[member="Joza Perl"]

The servant just stared though, first at solan and then at the door past the two of them as she turned her eyes to the side and shook her head. Whether Joza would pick up on what she was doing herself or not, she would not do anything. She had seen this in the past weeks and the purple skinned woman just looked at Joza now with that same care in her eyes. Her words would not come and she would simply head into another room to get something for Solan to drink, leaving Joza alone in the hall with the man who looked and felt like the entirety of his insides were being twisted into a ball and forced up and out.

His eyes shifted from the ground to the same door as he shook his head and tried to lean against something, anything, even if it was just his friend as he seemed crippled by something but nothing came to note. Any healer or medic would find nothing wrong, his body being in (while still corrupted) perfectly healthy shape. His eyes were closed though as he seemed huddled in pain on the ground, trying to dispell those feelings that were crawling up from the back of his mind. Memories he had locked out and just as harmed by them was Kira who was curled up with her hair standing up and her tail curled under her body.

 

[Joza Perl]

While a bit frustrated with the lack of response, Joza turned her focus towards Solan and remained as calm as she could in this scenario. “Easy…you’re alright, Solan. You’re going to be okay.” Shifting her weight, she allowed him to lean against her and did her best to make them both comfortable on the floor. Her hand reflexively went to his back, rubbing slowly between his shoulders to try and ease him out of what she assumed was some sort of panic attack. Despite all that she was, the Zeltron had strong maternal instincts that came out around those she cared about.

Consciously, she released a wave of pheromones in an attempt to help soothe her friend. It didn’t take an empath to be able to feel the mental distress he was going through, but it certainly didn’t help either. She continued to rub his back, her hand occasionally gliding upwards to stroke his hair in what she hoped would be seen as a comforting gesture. “What’s going on in that head of yours?” She murmured softly, hoping to get a response out of him.

Her attention returned to the lavender skinned woman, hoping to get some sign of explanation from her. But she only gestured with her eyes, and Joza's own gaze followed the motion towards a door. Standing hesitantly, she made sure that Solan was at least propped against the wall and wouldn't fall down on his own before rising fully and approaching the door.

The gravity surrounding the situation was strange and it absolutely made her uneasy. Pushing open the door gingerly, the Zeltron held her breath until she was greeted by the sight of a dim room, lit only by the dancing flames of candles surrounding a picture of a young girl. Her hand flew to her mouth in surprise, eyes glinting brightly for a moment in realization.

Oh.

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Aithne Charr]

[member="Joza Perl"]

Solan remained shaking as he heard Joza's voice, not speaking as he felt his mind creeping forward and his throat constricting. He felt like he was chocking on the air he was trying to breath but also trying to keep down the very contents of his stomach as he started shaking. His eyes were glued on the door, not registering that Joza was even speaking to him before as he stared and the images played through. The reading, the blood, the stillness of the situation that day. The pool of blood and the lifeless body he had cradled as his eyes were stained red and with tears. The small body he could still feel in his arms and the anger at those creatures who had harmed his daughter.

He could only choke on the air now as he stared at it and was placed against the wall by his friend, shaking and his eyes trying to imagine that she was still in that room. That she would walk back out with Joza, that she was still just sleeping. He wanted to hold her again, he wanted to turn back time and find a damned cure for the girl that he wished was still here with him. He wanted her back and he knew he couldn't have her return. If he forced her to return, he would ruin whatever peace the girl had in the Netherworld.

He wanted to see her again though, he wanted her to be there, he wanted to care for her.

His entire body shook as the man broke down and started crying, started tearing up inside and showed no signs of stopping.

 

[Joza Perl]

It all dawned on Joza in an instant. It was as if she were standing in the middle of a dry river, waiting for a torrent of water to come along and crash into her. But that crash never came, it only lingered in the distance as her mind tried to process everything. Solan’s gaps in memory, that strangely happy smile that he’d worn up until this point. It fir together in the most sickening way possible.

The Zeltron stared into the room for a few moments, eyes glazing over the flames as they flickered across the image of a little girl. How could she possible fathom the loss of a child? Maybe now Zef’s actions made a little more sense.

The sound of Solan’s cries triggered her into motion quickly. Shutting the door softly, she once again knelt down by the man, removing the cloak he’d given her from around her body and resting it over his shoulders. At first she wouldn’t say anything, choosing instead to wrap her arms around him and hold him close. He clearly needed to cry, to let out the sadness he’d been holding back for Force knows how long and she wasn’t going to stop him. It made her heart sink to both see and feel him in such pain, but there was no way to avoid this reality.

Her hand went to work stroking his back slowly, humming lowly as her mind once again ran through all that had transpired. She wasn’t sure how it had all happened, but having not one but two loved ones ripped from you—your own family, no less—was an absolute blow to the heart. Scratch that, a blow to everything. How long had he been walking around like this, suppressing these emotions?

She couldn’t blame him. Everyone dealt with things differently, and Joza herself was not one to judge. But this wasn’t about her.

Resting her head against his own, she spoke lowly into his ear. “It’s not your fault.” She had no idea what transpired around the deaths of his lover and his child, but still.

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Aithne Charr]

[member="Joza Perl"]

Even as she sat beside him, pulled that cloak back around him instead, the man looked as dead as the inside of him felt. The man had known death and sadness for so long that in truth that this pain was simply mimicing what he had felt from others. He himself felt nothing, there was no shred left for him to feel.

Empaths after all who lost themselves to the feelings of others normally lost their sense of selves, especially those who connected directly on a mental layer like he did. He had felt his own loss, that had been an emotion he was familiar with on Dantooine where his home was, his original home and the same one that brought about this very same reaction physically but emotionally far worse. This room, this room which Joza had peered into simply made him feel devoid of emotion, simply erased his sense of self and replaced it with what his brain reasoned was appropriate and that was why he was crying, why he was suffering, and yet held no emotion truly on his face.

If a corpse could cry, he was an example of such as his illusion faded away with the loss of his control over his own mind. His skin paled and veins darkened, eyes shifting to become a swirled golden mixing with the sapphire but compared to the last time Joza had seen this it would be a million times better. The last weeks had given him that moment of true peace, shutting out the pain and all the suffering to create an illusion in his own mind that he didn't need to use his suffering anymore.

The man was no longer anything but a shell to most people, his body shaking and shattering inside, unable to find his own sense of self in this mess. His eyes staring without any recognition of Joza, the light, or even the Servant who now approached to make sure he was physically ok, even if he was breaking down mentally. His mind open for Joza to feel and see into as it replayed moments from his own childhood, to those during his time with Kira, to those during his time with his daughter, and simply those where he sat alone at night without any emotion left.

And under it, even as she said it was not his fault, guilt remained. He could have devoted more time to finding a cure, he could have found better doctors for her, he could have stopped those hutts from harming her, he could have stayed on Nar Shadaa in the first place and helped her mother, he could have saved his own mother back when he had the chance. All of this had been his fault, his decisions had created this world he lived in alone. He helped others to make it seem like he was atoning for his past, he helped others to try and find some peace in his choice to cause suffering on others. He had tried everything to salvage who he was but that night Evania was gone he had given up. His mind had forgotten she was even dead the moment she was in that tomb. He had sent food to her room every day, he had hired doctors to treat her and they had given him false reports on his own orders without him remembering such. He had tried to rewrite history in his own head.

He felt vile, his body was corrupted from a practice that might have even caused Evania's symptoms to grow worse from being around him. His actions had caused her to become kidnapped, had caused him to constantly look over his shoulder in worry that a Jedi or a Sith might come to Kesh simply to burn it and kill all those they could. He continued to shake as he sat there, the world around him not even registering.