Light Shines Brighter in the Dark (Elpsis)

[Mirien Valdier]

Mirien shook her head, "I was rather fond of that desk, the secret hiding places in it, tsk tsk, I'll miss it."

"But I didn't choose. I woke up, not knowing who I was or the things I'd done. I still don't know. I only have bits and pieces of that past. What the hell is going to happen to me when I finally do remember it all? Because sooner or later that seems it's going to be the case. My memories, slowly, bit by bit are coming back. It may still be a while longer before I get it all back but still.... I'm not sure those things can be easily shrugged off, or that they won't destroy me."

She shrugged and curled herself into a small ball, against Siobhan "And while I appreciate the thought, the thought that you'd never let me become that person again, that does mean a lot. The future, what will come in the future is what I worry about. "

Mirien buried her head in her hands and sighed so heavily, "The problem isn't Elpsis." She only now glanced back to Sio, with the first tears slipping down her cheeks, "It isn't her or what she thinks of me. God knows her mother still probably wants to see me dead." She shook her head once more, "The problem isn't that. Elpsis may not hate me, or think me a monster. The problem is, I do." And maybe that had always been the problem and Mirien just hadn't come around to accepting what she thought of herself, or what she believed her actions made her.

She had never come to terms with the fact that she at had been two separate people. The Sith, the woman she was until Atrisia, and then after that fall, that injury she was something else entirely. The person after that accident she still hadn't figured out. Most folks had some idea of who they were, who they are, and Mirien had yet to put it all together. Her circumstances made that a bit difficult. It's hard to know where you are going when you don't know where you've been.

"That is the problem, and hell if I know how to deal with what I think of me."

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Elpsis Kerrigan]

[member="Laina Silvias"]


"T-thank you. I'll talk with mum. Later. I'm not ready now," Elpsis stammered as she slowly composed herself. It felt like a massive weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She had come a long way, but part of her was still stuck in the realm of childhood.


Now that she'd found the loving mother she'd thought she'd never get, she really did not want to let her down or disappoint. "I will...try to forgive Mirien. It's just...difficult. Part of me wants to. Or at least talk to her without exploding and running off. Maybe it was for a reason that the White Wolf brought us together today. She has a lot of pain inside her. If she was still evil, she would not here. Siobhan or Mum would've killed her. But I need time," she said quietly, almost in a whisper.


There was a pause before she spoke up once more. "You're a good woman. I hope one day I can be half as wise as you. I...kinda love you, you know that? Will you pray with me? We could pray for Mirien's soul."

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


"You're your own worst enemy. You've always been. Yes, you lost your memory. You had no choice in that matter. But you had plenty of opportunities to relapse, especially once Atrisia came crashing down," Siobhan said firmly. As Mirien curled up into a ball against her, she wrapped her arms around the slightly smaller woman, holding her tightly.


"I mean, hell, Fringe was right around the corner. So were the One Sith or any of the other myriad dark cults. Yet, you're here. Even though it puts you in touch with a woman you hurt. And, hell, for how long were you a Sith? And how much of that was because your family treated you like crap and your uncle was a monster? Yeah, I read your journals, too." One of her hands reached out to stroke Mirien's cheek, gently brushing away tears. "Make no mistake, you were a monster...but consider this. There's nothing in your past that will make me stop loving you."

 

[Mirien Valdier]

The brunette nodded as she pressed herself closer against Siobhan. "I am, I know." Even Mirien on some level did realize she always was her worst enemy and her hardest critic on herself. She sighed, frowning, "I suppose so..."

She hadn't really considered the options after Atrisia. There were plenty of places she could have gone, could have chosen that would have placed her back on that dark road once more. "You may have a point, a small point." It wasn't small by any means, Mirien just wasn't entirely willing to accept that Sio was completely and absolutely right.

She let Sio wipe the tears away and lay close against her. "That helps, a little. To know that there's nothing that's going to run you off. I hope that I never do anything or have done anything that might make you reconsider that."

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


"You're very, very easy for me to love," Siobhan's voice was quiet, barely above a whisper, but she spoke with conviction. She kissed Mirien's earlobe. "Too easy. One day you'll see why." Her heart went out for the other woman. She threaded her fingers through her silky brown hair. You deserve a better woman than me, but I'm selfish that way, she thought to herself. Then she planted a deep, loving kiss upon the dark woman's lips. The hour had grown late, ushering in a beautiful sun set.

 

[Laina Silvias]

Laina nodded and gently stroked Elpsis' hair. "You're most welcome, my dear. And of course, I understand. It's not something I'll press on. That choice of how and when is entirely up to you." This was just how things were to Laina. You let the children of the white wolf make their own choices never pressuring them. You simply presented the options that may not have been most obvious to them and they let them work the rest out on their own.

Sweetly and soothingly Laina started to traces slow circles across the girl's back. "I know it's difficult my love. I know. Forgiveness is one of our greatest challenges in this life. And it's not something that can be forced. It takes time and work. Should you need the help to work it through, I'm right here. You need only ask."

Laina nodded again, "Exactly, exactly. One or the other would have ended her already had Mirien still been that same monster. And remember that pain and misery Mirien feels is her own prison, a punishment entirely of her own making. So, she's not gotten away scot-free in this. Not in the least."

In the middle of this Morrigan had wandered away from the pair and found her favorite plushie, an Ewok plushie. And with that in her arms, she waddled back across the room over to the two sweet women and gently put it in Elpsis' lap, to share her prized toy. Laina could only grin "You know, she doesn't even share that toy with me. Makes you a rather special woman in both her eyes and mine."

Laina leaned forward to plant a sweet kiss on Elpsis' cheek. "I know, Elpsis. Your spirit long told me that before your mind could speak the words." The amazon sighed contently, "Elpsis I'm not sure you are aware of this, but within you, there is the potential to become a far better woman than even I am. Don't forget that."

Laina hugged Elpsis once more, "Of course I'll pray with you. She's a daughter of the wolf just like you and I. If anyone can help her it will be the White Wolf." She paused for a moment, before shifting onto her knees. "Would you like to go outside and do so?" She asked, always preferring to do such in the woods herself.


[member="Elpsis Elaris"]

 

[Mirien Valdier]

Mirien sighed heavily as her eyes drifted to the lake. As Siobhan kissed her ear the brunette slowly closed her eyes. "How is it that you find me so easy to love, yet I can't seem to find it in me to remotely love myself even in the slightest smallest of ways?" That was a trick she'd never quite figured out how it worked. For all that she could remember there had been far too much self-hatred to allow even a single micron of self-love to take root. When Sio drew her up into the kiss, Mirien tiredly wrapped her arms around Siobhan to pull herself a little closer.

Pulling away there was another sigh, "I'm tired Siobhan and not the kind of tired that sleep can fix. Both mind and soul are exhausted and worn. And I can't fathom a way to help end that weariness. I think I've been living like this for too long. Hiding away what cuts the deepest, what frightens me, what breaks my heart, and hiding from the past, all of it, and all of the things I've done. I'm not sure I've ever been honest and open with anyone about all of it. Nevermind being honest with myself about it."

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Elpsis Kerrigan]

[member="Laina Silvias"]


In the middle of this deep and profound conversation about good, evil and the nature of redemption, lil Morrigan waddled in. The adorable little one always made everything better! At least Elpsis thought so. She was probably more than a little biased since she adored the kid. The cute Ewok plushie was planted into the redhead's lap and Elpsis ran her fingers across it and picked it up, giving Morrigan a smile.


"Aww. That's a lovely friend, Morri. Thank you. You always make me feel better," she said in a more cheerful tone that, unlike earlier, was not faked. She wrapped an arm around the toddler, giving her a loose hug. Her sightless eyes glanced towards Laina.


"Me better than you? That's very nice of you to say, but I don't think so. But I'll be happy if I can be just as good. You're my master, my spiritual guide and, well, a hell of a lot more than that. But if you and Morri think I'm special, that's enough for me," she sighed slightly and got to her feet, taking Morrigan's tiny hand into hers.


"Yeah, let's go outside. I can connect with her better when I feel the brush of the wind against my skin and hear the sounds of animals. Besides, I believe tonight will be a full moon, so we should have luck catching her! You and Morri get ready, I'll gather the items." All in all, the amazon faith was a fairly down-to-earth one. There were no grand temples, no cloistered clergy or anything like that. However, some blessed items were used in rituals, especially those meant to ward against the influence of evil spirits.

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


Siobhan looked saddened. "This isn't healthy, love. If you continue on this road, you'll destroy. Some day you have to accept your past and stop hating yourself. Yes, I know it's hard, to say the least, but still. I don't think there's anyone who could ever punish you as much as you already hurt yourself."


She furrowed her brow, uncertain of what else to say. "It would be a start if you talked to Elpsis again. Not now. Give it a few days for both of you to calm down. But you two really need a chat," her hand continued stroking the other woman's silky dark hair. "I could show you why I love you, if you want," she added gently.

 

[Mirien Valdier]

Mirien nodded and grew quiet for a couple of minutes. She bit her lip for just a second before she spoke again, "I know. I know it's not. It's tearing me apart inside and I know it. I can feel what it's doing to me, ripping apart everything. Guilt, and shame and the not knowing what happened before. It's twenty years 0gone of my life. Twenty years where I was someone else entirely. Someone I don't even know. Someone that frightens me more than I can ever explain. It's the darkest version of me. It's difficult to let that go. Especially with how I've felt since I woke up without a memory, how I've felt about ensuring the lives that I've ended, that their deaths were honorable." A strange idea but one she'd kept to within the Inquisition. It had helped her to deal with the reality of the world she was forced into.

"Many things created that young woman, I understand that. I'm just afraid that if I err too much, too far, that I'll slip past the line of what's forgivable." She shook her head her gaze shifting to the ground in front of her. "I'm afraid, that there will come a point that you'll see that person in me, and I'll lose forever. I may not be the person you come home to, but I know well enough I have a place in your heart. And I don't want to lose that. I've lost too much and too many people already. And I can't, I can't lose someone I legitimately care for and love."

Shifting slightly she pulled herself closer against Sio, "And you may have a point, punishing myself, thinking this way, it's all I've ever really done. Making my own mind my prison, a personal hell crafted all on my own."

Picking up a stone, she tossed it into the lake, "Honestly Siobhan, I don't know that I can talk with her again. It's hard enough to face the simple ideas of what I've done. But to face someone it affects is another monster in and over itself." Mirien turned just slightly and pressed her head into Siobhan's shoulder, "As much as I try to present myself as a strong powerful woman, there are still some things that I don't remotely know how to handle, things that make me feel utterly powerless and weak like a young child. And I frankly don't think there's anything I could do to make Elpsis feel any better. I entirely understand why she was angry. She has every right to be."

The dark woman nodded once more. "I'd like that. To know why. It's never quite been something I understood." With a soft sigh Mirien brushed away the last few tears she'd allowed from her cheeks as she moved to position herself mostly in Sio's lap.

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


Sometimes I barely recognise the woman I come home to. Nor does she need me. But you deserve better than someone who cannot even raise her children properly, Siobhan kept a mental shield around these thoughts, not wanting them to spill over. Her marital troubles with [member="Tegaea Alcori"] were not of import today.


She sighed slightly. I'll just have to...arrange for you and Elpsis to run into one another. Hopefully Coryth won't kill me. The short stack of fire could be quite scary when she was in the mood. So it was best to tread carefully.


"There, there, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere," she said soothingly. "You have a darkness inside you, yes. I'll admit...it's part of why I'm attracted to you. Not the creepy serial killer stuff," she added quickly, lest Mirien get the wrong impression and this conversation go very poorly.


"But you understand my darkness. I don't have to hide it around you and pretend to be someone I'm not. Force knows that I'm tired of holding back and living up to others' expectations of righteousness and decency. Sometimes it feels like putting on a mask. You're also brave, kind and, damn it, you don't realise how selfless you are! A lot of Jedi could learn from you," a hollow laugh escaped her throat. As these words left her lips, she opened the gates of her mind. To say these words was one thing, but now Mirien would feel that they were true.


"Day after day, you do a thankless job that doesn't come with with glory and laurels. If a spook does her job well, no one hears about it. If things go wrong, she is held up to opprobrium and left to hang. You didn't have to fix my mind - and share your memories in the process. Indeed, it would've been less risky if you had not. Yet you did. You did everything you could to make Galina comfortable when she had to leave Kaeshana because you knew how much space travel scares her. You gave up your claim on me and walked out because my family's happiness was more important to you than your own."

 

[Mirien Valdier]

Sighing Mirien kept her eyes down focused mostly on the ground. She didn't want to think all that much at the moment or concentrate on anything beyond what she knew to be facts. Though she understood what Siobhan was saying. It just took her time to find words to reply. She nodded slowly, "You are you, and I've known who you were all along, never expected more or less than what I knew you to be. Expectations for someone to be different than they are at their core doesn't end well for either side." Sure it was a little unfeeling but it was what Mirien could manage in the moment. Her mind was distracted and torn a few too many ways for what she said to be anything beyond that.

"I knew what you were feeling with those fragmented pieces of your memories in you. And I knew too well what it felt like to lose all of that completely. I couldn't just walk away from that, to damn someone to what I consider probably the most agonizing thing that can happen to anyone. It's a type of living death to lose em. I didn't want you to go through that. There's no one that deserves that."

"I didn't want to make a bad situation worse. I understood her fears, and well I wanted to ensure she was safe from harm, from anxiety and pains while also ensuring that the only people who knew she was there in that special crate would do the same. I take my job seriously because not only do I have duties for Firemane, I have secrets of yours and your family's secrets among so many others as well as ensuring the protection and safety of your family. In a way Galina is a member of my family too, I just didn't want to put her through that kind of pain." As she explained it, it might not have dawned on her that the things she did and the reasons she did them were incredibly selfless.

All Mirien knew was that these things were part of her job. She'd never really considered them anything less. Save for her part in saving Siobhan's memories, because that simple act could have cost her everything, her life included. But even with that in mind, she still went forward with it to spare Siobhan the same fate she'd experienced. And done so more than willing to walk away and leave Siobhan, Firemane and the protection that both offered if it was what was required. Some actions merited such willingness to risk it all, and this Mirien most definitely considered one of those moments.

As for walking away, simplifying Siobhan's choice, "I knew how Tegaea felt about you. You both have a family together. It wasn't my place to step in the middle of that. I couldn't be the thing, the person that ripped your family apart."

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


Siobhan sighed slightly. "Oh, come on, you didn't just do any of this because it was your job or your duty. I've been in your head. Or...at least it didn't seem like that to me," she sounded just a little bit upset and exasperated. I spend an awful lot of my time playing psychologist, she thought to herself.


She looked at Mirien with an apologetic frown. "I'm sorry, this isn't about me. You can put yourself down all you want, but it won't change the fact that I love you. Or keep me from telling you why until you finally get it."

 

[Laina Silvias]

Morrigan squealed happily when Elpsis picked up the Ewok plushie that she had so willingly shared. Laina just smiled at her little girl proud to see the young one even before she could truly grasp what was happening and her role in it, to see her trying to comfort Elpsis in the only ways she knew how, through hugs, smiles, giggles, and sharing her precious toys that made her feel better when she was upset.

Laina shook her head, "It's not something I say in kindness Elpsis, I truly mean that. We are raised to believe in the generation that follows us, that they will be better than we are. The women we teach are meant to be better, greater than we. I see that in you. And one day I hope that its wisdom you can pass on to your own daughters." As she got up herself, she pulled both Elpsis and Morrigan into a hug. "You are far better a woman than you know my darling. I hope one day you see what I see. I believe you will surprise us all."

With a warmth in her aura, Laina spread out her awareness and opened herself to let Elpsis feel what she was in that moment. "Naturally, I understand that feeling all too well. I sometimes feel we are bound too much indoors these days. We all need that connection. It's been feeling distant lately." Reaching down she gathered her little one up to go change the girl's clothing and find shoes for Morri. "Perhaps with the moon tonight I can reconnect as I need to as well. I'll only be a few minutes, you get the items and get ready, we'll follow."

Laina paused and glanced to the redhead, "I'm proud of you, Elpsis. You are growing into a beautiful daughter of the white wolf, and nothing could make me happier as a guide and mentor than that."

[member="Elpsis Elaris"]

 

[Mirien Valdier]

Mirien closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around Siobhan with a sigh. She could sense that Siobhan was getting a bit frustrated with her. "On some level, I get that, I do. I just have never looked at it like that. Taking care of you, your family, protecting the company, all of that got rolled into what I've seen as my duty for a long time. And I'm fairly certain I labeled it that to keep myself at a distance." She shrugged a little, "I didn't want my life and it's complications to entangle with yours and become something that put you all in jeopardy."

Mirien shook her head, "The way I've lived, it doesn't come without risk and any connection is something that can be leveraged against you. I didn't want to be that. To cause you or your family that harm. Because I care so much more than I've ever let myself with anyone or anything else in life. Labels have given me some distance from reality." She was sort of coming around to the idea that her actions had not been out of duty, or a job, but because she cared and loved too much. Enough that she'd do anything, give up anything, even her claim on Siobhan if that was what it took to keep her safe.

Mirien opened her eyes and shifted herself to rest against her chest and lean her head against Sio's neck. "It's just," Another sigh came, "It's going to be a long while before I can look at myself in the same light that you see me. I've not been able to let go of the past. Or even begin to forgive myself, and make it clear that the being who did those things no longer exists. I'm not her. It's still hard to look myself in the mirror and remember that. Things like what happened with Coryth cloud everything."

Mirien bit at her own lip, "I don't know how to do that. I'm not good at forgiving anyone really, nevermind myself. And it's really hard to see what you do with me. Sometimes there are glimpses that I can see for a second or two but are gone just as quick." The brunette wiped away the last of her tears, "I think, I just don't know how to love myself and who I've become Siobhan. I know very well you love me. I just haven't found it in me, to love me. And ..." She paused for a long while, "I think it's been easier to not do so or even try because that like my labels of duty and jobs, never letting me see myself as anything but a monster similarly allowed me to keep my distance. Keep people at arm's length so I didn't develop connections and get hurt or worse yet hurt them."

And maybe that was what a lot of Mirien's pain had come down to, protecting not just others but her own heart. Thinking the worst of herself, not dreaming she was lovable let her push people away with that simple justification. It also let her not bother to try and release the past, and forgive herself for those things, and give herself a chance to have a real life not living in the shadows, fearing the pain she'd cause and what could happen to her.

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


Siobhan was indeed a bit frustrated. To be fair, much of her frustration was not directed against Mirien per se, but life in general. She was frustrated with the space elves and their idiotic power plays, frustrated with galactic politics and increasingly with her family, which seemed to expect her to do the heavy lifting, but always be loving, patient and understanding.


She was increasingly sick of it. Things would be so much easier if she stopped caring and resolved her problems with Force Lightning. It was becoming more tempting as time passed. But...beneath the Destroyer was a woman who did care. Perhaps too much sometimes.


"Look, Mirien, you can't go on like this. You know that yourself. And you won't fall. You're here, and you're staying there, whether you want it or not," as she said these words she took Mirien's hand and gently placed it on her own beating heart. Siobhan had a....considerable chest so there was plenty of flesh to touch, but for a change the gesture was not sexual in nature. After all, that would be inappropriate given the circumstances and the censors might whine. This one can recommend a few good genocides.


She sighed slightly, her chest rising and falling with the intake of breath. "It's getting dark. I can stay the night with you if you want. We...don't have to do anything, I can just hold you. I don't think you should be alone tonight."

 

[Elpsis Kerrigan]

[member="Laina Silvias"]


"Uh, daughters...Yeah, right, sure. I love the kids," Elpsis replied sheepishly, looking a wee bit uncomfortable. She was not sure about becoming a mother and raising children one day. Especially if involved getting physical with a maleling as opposed to just adopting a waif and stray.


The image was enough to make her feel like throwing up. It was partly due to bad experiences with the other sex, partly due to how she was wired, but she simply did not find men attractive. "I'll try to pass on everything I've learned and make them better women than me," she promised mechanically, eally wanting to move on from this awkward topic.


Fortunately, Laina had obliged and praised her again, which made Elpsis blush. "I'm probably looking like a lobster now. I'm so happy you came into my life. You opened my eyes, turned my life around. Love you and Morri to bits. So much," she planted a kiss on Laina's cheek and patted Morrigan's little head a bit, then went off to gather the items while the amazon matron dressed her little kiddo.


The objects in question were stored in an adjourning room. For this occasion they included a sweetgrass and willow dream catcher, which was meant to prevent evil spirits from giving someone bad dreams to warp their thinking, a ceremonial blade called an athamé and some animal bones. Elpsis touched these items reverently, placing them in her rucksack with great care. Before leaving, she hung a Force imbued pentacle around her neck, then collected two more for her amazon companions.

 

[Mirien Valdier]

Mirien wasn't too sure how she felt about where this conversation had ended up. She couldn't recall anyone in her life that had cared for her, about her as much as Sio did. Though to be fair, Mirien had never let anyone else get this close to her.

She managed a slight smile as the redhead placed the dark ice queen's hand over her heart. A smile that was quite the accomplishment with the grim and serious discussion on Mirien's life. "I know Siobhan, I know." She sighed once again, "This is something I've not really given a lot of thought. It's not something I've wanted to face."

"You've no idea what that means to me. Sio, I've never ever let anyone get as close to me as I have with you. And knowing that there's nothing, in my past, or that I've done now won't push you away. Won't make you run away from me. Especially when this is stuff I want to run away from." Miri reached up gently running her fingers through the redhead's silky hair. "The support isn't exactly something that I've had much of in life, if at all. And it can be a bit hard to remember that I do have that. And I don't have to do all of this, deal with all of this alone."

"I know it's been rough to get me to see and understand that. The reasons behind that are complicated. And I can be more than a little stubborn. I'm trying though. It may not seem like it but I am." She shook her head, realizing that she'd started to ramble more than a little bit.

Mirien pursed her lips together, "I would like that. And your right, as much as I tend to want distance, and to be alone at times like this, this might be one of those times that it's wiser to not be alone." Not when she wasn't sure what she would do. And the idea of drinking heavily to numb this particular pain had been floating at the very top of Mirien's thoughts. That had been a convenient place to hide when she didn't want to face herself, or anyone else with these matters. It was an easy way out, definitely not a good way to avoid it, but it was the easiest. "Just being held for a while, would be nice. That I think I need, just to have you right here reminding me of what I have."

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


"I know you're trying, love. I'll just have to remind, push and prod you till you understand. For I am an infallible demigoddess and thus you cannot doubt my word," Siobhan declared. Her jokes were lame, but it was an attempt to lighten the mood.


"Come on, you got to get something to eat, get cuddled and rest. If you're a good girl and eat all your veggies, I'll give you a foot rub. We'll go to your safe house...the one I actually know the location of." There was probably at least one Siobhan had no idea of. She gently took Mirien's hand and pulled the slightly smaller woman to her feet. She fondly stroked the Inquisitor's silky dark hair and planted a kiss on her cheek, then began to lead her to the speeder.

 

[Mirien Valdier]

Mirien sighed softly. It felt good to know Sio at least saw the effort that Miri was putting into trying to mend these things and work through it all. That helped a lot knowing that. Maybe she should have had this conversation sooner. Stars knew the dark queen kept this sort of thing to herself, rarely if ever speaking of it aloud. And just having this whole conversation was progress in and of itself.

With the joke, even though it might have been lame it still brought a smile from Mirien. "You are far too sweet my dear goddess."

Pursing her lips, she then nodded as she rose to her feet. "Yeah, food, rest, snuggling, I really need all of that right now. And you know too well how I can skip out on meals not remembering those things when I get like this." The brunette happily let Siobhan lead her back to the speeder and slowly climbed in on the passenger side.

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]