Private Lush Life

[Allyson Locke]

“Please,” She started as she listened to Jyoti ask the question of sides, her hand caught the retreating Echani’s as she held it. “I need this.” She needed that anchor, the one that reminded her that she wasn’t just a tool. For so long, that’s what she had felt like, but being here made her feel safe. ​

​

At the question posed, Allyson nodded. Admitting that the Echani asset was Sith felt like a rod of hot durasteel stabbing through her chest. Everything the Corellian stood against, everything she despised with the dark side of the force, she was willingly climbing into bed with it. She shook her head quickly and tried to explain. ​

​

“She’s different, though. She’s not like them, she’s not like Carnifex.” It was hard to explain, but Allyson felt like she needed to explain herself - especially to her friend. “I didn’t - I didn’t go in there expecting this to happen I tried to fight it, but it wasn’t even me.” Shaking her head, she remembered the mental argument she had and how the other voice refused to comply. ​

​

“I know it’s going to sound crazy, but it wasn’t me, it was someone else inside of me - my cover I don’t’ know how to explain it, but when I think of her I get feelings that I haven’t felt…” Allyson paused, hesitating for what she was going to say next. She had just admitted to the Echani matriarch that she still harbored some feelings for her, not for the person she was a copy of, but for herself. Allyson felt like a teenager again, her face flush from her confusing love life and previously admitted feelings. Her voice softened as she confessed, “I haven’t felt like this since I had been with you.” ​

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Allyson looked up towards her friend with a slightly crooked smile, and she sighed. “I’m in big trouble, aren’t I?” Allyson wanted to say she wished they could go back and maybe try and make things work, but it was too late for that now, and it wouldn’t do anything productive. Once more, Allyson accepted her circumstances. ​

Jyoti Nooran ​

 

[Jyoti Nooran]

It was a struggle to hold her tongue while Allyson explained the situation, but she couldn't help it as her brow began to furrow over time. Yes it was a Sith, but her Sith wasn't like others.

If the Shadow had a credit for every time she heard that line, then she'd be as filthy rich as an Ike.

She would have to handle this situation delicately. Already she could hear the resistance in Allyson's voice even before Jyoti had said anything. What Allyson was doing was clearly harmful, but she didn't want to inadvertently drive the Corellian back into the Sith.

Leaning forward she clasped one of Allyson's hands in her own.

"No you're not in trouble. I'm not your commander and I'm not Alliance. I am your best friend." She squeezed tightly. "And as your friend, I have to say that you're just setting yourself up for major hurt later. I feel like ever since you lost your family and home on Corellia, you've been ambling to fill that void. Because of that, you keep letting people exploit your insecurities for their own ends. The man who rifled through your mind you call your boyfriend, and now the relationship with this Sith."

"This Sith you find yourself enamored with. Right now they seem so sweet and inviting, but that's only because you have something they want. She probably "loves" you the same way we love a piece of cake. They don't even love the real Allyson anyway. You said as much as yourself. They like the alias you made to get close.

In a lot of ways, Allyson's description of her new relationship reminded her of theirs. Allyson had initially presented herself as a carefree daredevil, seemingly unfazed by anything, but over time she had revealed the sweet but vulnerable person underneath the heroic facade, and that was the woman Jyoti had fallen in love with.

"Don't you remember what happened the last time you went undercover in Sith Space? What he did to you? What would happen if the Imperials discover you, now after you humiliated them and their Emperor so thoroughly? Do you think that Sith would really protect you against their wrath? Do you think she wouldn't turn against you?"

Allyson Locke

 

[Allyson Locke]

Hearing everything from Jyoti put a lot of things into perspective. The Jedi had a knack for it, especially when it came to Allyson. Her hands were comforting, and they always had been. They were either healing the wounds on her back from her torture or holding her together. Allyson wondered where she would have ended up if Jyoti hadn’t been around. Hands found solace in the hold, and Allyson nodded, understanding where her friend was coming from. ​

​

The void Allyson felt that desire to be understood and belong only grew more significant as time went on. It seemed that the void found temporary seals, but they always find a way to leave. Allyson had hoped that it wouldn’t end in heartbreak every time, but sometimes things don’t work out and are better the way they are. Shrugging slightly, she nodded. She was desperate for these connections that she didn’t see the warning signs placed in front of her. They put her in vulnerable situations, and then she ended up where she was today. ​

​

A pitiful smile spread across her face weakly as she sighed softly. “I feel like a drug addict. Those good feelings of being wanted and loved. I’m always searching for them, I want them so bad.” Remembering her parents, she knew that many of her issues resided with them and how they perished when she was younger. “I want to say its different, that Jorryn would like the real me, that she’s not like the others. I know you’re right, but I have been vulnerable with her, and I want to believe that - I have to see for myself even if it hurts me again.” ​

​

Allyson cringed, remembering the last time she went undercover in the Sith Empire. She wasn’t as skilled as she was now, but the horrors she endured and then feeling alone and abandoned until she found her way to the Silver Jedi’s doorstep - specifically Jyoti’s doorstep. This time had to be different; looking to Jyoti, something was different about the Corellian, a small bit of her determination returned. ​

​

“I know what they did to me, and I know what they can do to me. I feel like I’m the only one that can do what needs to be done, Jyoti. I’ve faced the Emporer three times now, I’ve survived every time and this last time - I saw what he really was. I hurt his soul, I made him feel.” Looking away, she stared at the ground remembering the horrifying face that now haunts her nightmares. “Getting close and letting myself get deep into the Empire. I can get close to him. I can save her and stop the Sith. If I get close enough - earn the Emperor’s trust...I can finish the job.” ​

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A small smile spread across her face. “Its why I said yes to the mission. Protecting everything that I care about, everyone I love, I have to do what needs to be done. I’m going to assassinate the Emperor if its the last thing I do.”​

Jyoti Nooran

 

[Jyoti Nooran]

As Allyson continued speaking, Jyoti could just feel her frown growing. Allyson seemed to be able to acknowledge her problems, and yet, she was still planning to jump right back into the mess.

She pulled away from her friend completely, then stood up in front of her with arms crossed.

"Are you hearing yourself right now? If you really do care about the people you want to protect, then you wouldn't even think about going back. You have compromised yourself to the Sith, and right now you're just making excuses to get back to the thing you've decided to use as your emotional cushion. Not only that, but you are clearly showing signs of dissociation. You know in your heart and your mind that it would be wrong to keep going, and any decent handler worth their salt would have pulled you out by now."

It was strange, actually. Why hadn't a handler recalled Allyson? The Echani was still trying to be tactful, but the truth was that her friend was unfit for duty, and threatened to become a liability to the Alliance and Jedi.

"No one can kill Carnifex. Not in the traditional sense - he just keeps coming back. What you did to him was a fate even worse than death - humiliation. He clings to this world, obsessed with his legacy, and so you hit him where it hurts most, in his pride. Now his dynasty crumbles in large part thanks to you."

Her face softened as she leaned in and clutched Allyson's shoulders. "You've done enough...please stay. I can't love you the way you want, but you still mean the world to me. Stay here, put away the cape for a while, and just try to live for yourself. Nobody can bring you happiness except yourself."

Allyson Locke

 

[Allyson Locke]

Reality by the name of Jyoti Nooran slapped Allyson in the face harder than anyone ever could. The Corellian felt the absence of her friend as the woman pulled away. She knew Jyoti was right, deep in her heart she knew the woman could see things better than anyone what was happening. Still, the Corellian's stubbornness played a factor in her logic. As much as Allyson knew she needed to pull out - there were too many loose ends left that could jeopardize everything and only make matters worse. ​

Nodding, Allyson, understood her friend's point. Out of everyone, Jyoti knew what it was like to be in the field. They were both Shadows, Jyoti had brought Allyson into the fold during her time with the Silver Jedi. Unlike then, there was no handler for the Corellian. There was just someone she dropped information to and then continued on with her own agenda. Allyson wondered if that's what was keeping her sane all those years before. There was always someone looking out for her, and in most cases, that person was the one beside her. ​

Allyson moved to speak, to try and explain herself. She needed to have Jyoti understand why Jorryn was different and why the Corellian was the best person to assassinate Carnifex. Though all her reasons felt mundane and pointless when she thought about it. She knew in her heart how she felt about Jorryn, but Jyoti's doubt had helped manifest tainted her feelings. Was she just clinging to Jorryn because she needed something? Shaking her head, she was pulled out of her mind by the sudden touch of the former grandmaster. ​

Jyoti pleaded to her, and Allyson knew it would be best if she listened to her friend. She was probably the only person in this galaxy with the Corellian's well being in the right place. ​

"Jyoti." She started, she smiled softly and nodded. "Unfortunately, since the Alliance is still young and rebuilding - there are no handlers. I'm practically the Shadow unit on my own. I report back my findings in a file that is accessed by the SIA director." A hand found its way to one of Jyoti's as she patted it. The words the Jedi spoke were ones she needed to hear but weren't exactly what she wanted to hear. Allyson felt foolish holding on to the possibility that there was something more between them. She knew that it was an impossible hope, and she had to accept what paths they walked. ​

"I'll stay for a little bit. Rest up and get my head on straight, but you know I can't just disappear from my infiltration of the Sith. I have a few loose ends I need to clean up. I'll be back, I promise." Allyson spoke quietly, the wheels turning in her head seeing if she could speed up her own timeline. ​

She wanted to rest, she had longed for it for so long. Jyoti's offer was perfect. Even so, something still drew her away like a moth to a flame. ​

 

[Jyoti Nooran]

Jyoti's grip tightened around Allyson's shoulders as she began to lose her patience.

It was so frustrating, Allyson clearly understood what she was doing was wrong, but she seemed keen on continuing on this self-destructive path to its natural conclusion.

"You know what...this is exactly why you need a handler, because they would have snatched you back if you even admitted half the things you told me tonight to them. You. Are. Compromised. Stop trying to reframe your selfishness as some noble endeavor. It's not. This is you succumbing to your hedonism, and chitting on everything I ever taught you as a Jedi. Chitting on the memories of our comrades who were killed or maimed fighting that wretched cabal of Sith."

As she continued to speak, her voice quavered as she fought its rising - she didn't want to disturb Bastian and the children and pull them into this. It was heartbreaking enough watching her friend pull away in real time without them around to complicate matters.

"You can lie to everyone else you've surrounded yourself with to fill that void the cripples you, but don't you dare try to lie to me. If you leave for Sith Space again, there is no coming back. Not as you were." Hyperfocused on Allyson now, she could feel it, dark tendrils taking root within. Visible only to the Echani, fractals in space-time had begun to bloom around the pair. "You're at a crossroads. A decision must be made."

Jedi or Sith?

Us or them?

Me...or her?

This was the ultimatum strung through her words - it was impossible for her to speak it aloud, for she dreaded the answer she would likely receive.

Allyson Locke

 

[Allyson Locke]

The grip tightened on her shoulders, and Allyson once more was hit with the reality stick. She stared at the Echani that spoke bluntly to her. Unlike the others, Jyoti was always straight forward, making sure that Allyson had known the truth. The lies of the SIS had done a number on her, and she struggled every day. Maybe she was trying to use Jorryn as a replacement for something, for someone. She always had that void, a place for someone to fill, but when she did find someone, they found a way to leave. Crippling the Corellian once more, leaving her to pick up the pieces again. ​

​

Allyson knew no matter what she said, it wasn’t going to help the situation. She knew what she was doing that this could be the last mission she ever ran, but something continued to pull her. Was it her emotions for Jorryn? Was it the desire to attempt to end everything with the destruction of the dark lord? Was it really her hedonism? She didn’t have an answer for Jyoti, she didn’t have one for herself, but Allyson knew she needed to continue. ​

​

“It’s not my hedonism, and I do what I do because of those people, because of the teachings you taught me as a Jedi. Despite that, you know I never walked the true path of the Jedi. My job is in the shadows, to lie, to deceive. I use mechu deru, I cloak in the force - all of that has roots in the dark side.” She couldn’t look at Jyoti, knowing that the woman had tried so hard to make Allyson realize her path. “I keep doing what I’m doing to protect you and your children.” Allyson knew why she was so drawn to Jorryn, she remembered moments when her mind forced her to remember those times in Jyoti’s office. ​

​

The thoughts angered her, knowing that if things had been different, maybe she wouldn’t be where she was. If only she could just let go and move on, she would be in a better position. “A part of me is happy she doesn’t know Allyson. Because I’m pretty pathetic. I’m never good enough. I wasn’t good enough for Kaili, I wasn’t good enough for you, I couldn’t help or save Arisa.” Sighing, “I know it’s so stupid and selfish, but if I could just do something right, just once I could do that.” ​

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Allyson stayed quiet as she let her eyes finally look towards the Echani woman. “Every time I look at her, I see you. I’m trying Jyoti, I’m trying to find my happiness and be happy. I don’t know how to do it, I never have - I’ve always chased something. I don’t know how to stop, how to stop chasing.” ​

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She had run away as a teenager, left her comfortable home to be a spacer. Allyson was thankful for her wandering feet, it took her out of harm’s way, but every day since then, all she could remember is her constant chase for whatever is out there.​

Jyoti Nooran ​

 

[Jyoti Nooran]

By now she was scowling, insulted by Allyson's words.

"Don't you dare turn my words against me," she hissed, still struggling to keep her voice down. "You keep bringing up your need to fulfill you duty, then go right back to talking about your squeeze. For Ashla's sake, listen to yourself. You're trying to replace me. In turn you tried to replace Arisa. Then Kaili. All the way back to your parents. What's the fething common denominator here?!"

She leaned in as she shifted her grip from Allyson's shoulder to her collar to pull her close until there was only a few inches of separation between their faces.

"You're not trying. Trying means you will stay out of Sith Space and get some fething help. Not just for your sake, but for everyone you conveniently forget loves and cares about you. It's honestly insulting how you keep gong on and on about how you don't matter, as if I don't matter to you now because we don't share the same bed."

Ironically, Jyoti felt decreasingly dehumanized as Allyson talked about her problems.

"The real issue here is not that people think so little of you, but that you think so little of them. You are selfish, and I wish you'd have the decency to just say as much before you slink off again."

The Echani could clearly read Allyson's gestures as they spoke. She had a pretty good idea how things were going to turn out, but that only made things harder.

At this point, Allyson seemed set in her ways, but then how should Jyoti respond? As a matter of security, should she really just let such a powerful person go slum it with the Sith and possibly create trouble for the Jedi later?

Allyson Locke

 

[Allyson Locke]

“How do you not matter to me? Everyone matters to me, I wouldn’t be doing any of this if people didn’t matter to me.” Allyson stared back at Jyoti as she was dragged by the Echani. Their faces close, and she could feel the annoyance rising in the woman. Every step of the way, Jyoti had been there some way or form. Holding Allyson’s hand, guiding her from the pathetic state she had arrived in after her first infiltration of Bastion. ​

​

Each word cut into her, more profound than she had figured it would. Jyoti knew what to say and how to say it to get it through Allyson’s thick skull. She knew everything that was being said needed to be said, but it hurt like daggers being shoved into her without mercy. Being more in tune with the Force, she could feel the ebb and flow of emotions now, and the Corellian knew she was wrong. ​

​

A heavy sigh, and she did her best to keep her voice low. “Don’t think like that, okay. You’re the most important person to me in this whole karking galaxy, and you know that.” Allyson stared back, with her eyes welling up with tears. There was so much confusion in her head, so many voices screaming out to her, but at least here in this sanctuary, she could push them back. “You’re wrong. Everyone matters to me, it’s hard to look past some of the crap that I’ve done to see why they stand by me. So I try and overcompensate, try and play the hero. If that’s selfish, okay, I am - but I do it for a good reason, not because I don’t care about anyone.” ​

​

As much as Allyson wanted to pack up and leave, to run back to Sith Space or wherever she found herself - she didn’t. She fought the natural urge to run and hide. Her voice quiet but sincere. “I’ll stay. I need to stay. I just need a break from being me.” A sheepish smile cracked on her face, “If the offer is still there?” Things had gotten entirely heated between them, but Allyson still hoped. “I know the Sith prepare to invade Borosk, I have to go back and help the Alliance there - but, you are right. I have a lot to think about and to fix…”​

Jyoti Nooran ​

 

[Jyoti Nooran]

The emotion drained from Jyoti's face as she finally gave up. A decision had been made. For the Echani words didn't mean so much, it was all about action. Beyond the excuses, she saw the truth.

Allyson was leaving her.

"The New Imperials," she corrected. "You should be wary about being so quick to jump to their cause - I do recall them being critical of the Jedi as much as the Sith."

All empires lived or died by war. If the Sith Empire did crumble soon, a new target would be required to feed the machine.

She straightened up, letting out a quiet sigh before her expression hardened. "You can spend the night here, but by morning I want you gone if you decide to return to Sith Space. There's no good reason for you to be in the field or on the warfront in your current mental state. I fear that your conflicting loyalties will cause cause great pain in ways that you refuse to acknowledge."

"I won't call your superiors on you, but I won't be complicit and play confessor for you either. I just can't - it's not fair to me or my family. This...will be end of us."

Allyson Locke

 

[Allyson Locke]

Allyson was quiet. There was more at stake for her friend than Allyson herself. There were more innocent people here than Allyson had with her. Nodding, she fully understood what was happening and could feel the Echani slipping away from her. Her chest tightened as words she never wanted to hear from the woman were spoken. Allyson didn’t look at her as she felt another part of her breaking down, the pillars that she used to hold herself up were crumbling faster than she could repair them. ​

​

“The New Imperials, yeah. The Alliance has sided with them and funds their war against the Sith.” Allyson shook her head; she was reporting to Jyoti again when the woman wasn’t her handler, and she had just said she wasn’t going to listen to this. A hard habit to break, the Corellian sat back down onto the bed and put her hands to her face. The one place that had been her sanctuary was about to be lost if it wasn’t already. Wasn’t the Force supposed to guide and show the proper path for things? Where was her guiding light? Had she lost that too? ​

​

“I’m not going back to Sith Space. I know I’m unfit - I’ve been unfit for some time now. I’ve always known it and refused to accept it. Work has always been what I’ve known.” The urge to gather her things and leave itched at her feet, but where would she go? Returning to Alliance space meant she would be turned around and shipped back to Sith Space, returning to Sith Space meant she lost any chance at a life outside of the war if she stayed here would it be abandoning her post? Would she be AWOL? Too many factors that she had to think about. ​

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“The last thing I want to do is put you and your family in danger - I love you guys.” When things were put into perspective for the Corellian, she recognized the path she was walking. You're my family. Allyson thought quietly deciding it was something that she should leave unsaid at this moment. A part of her wondered if she should have even shown up on her friend’s doorstep. She was selfish, continuously coming to the woman for help instead of being someone reliable. Realizing everything, Allyson felt her shoulders shrink, and her head began to spin. Where had she fallen off the path, where did she stray? Inhaling deeply, she held her breath till the spinning stopped then exhaled. ​

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“Jyoti, I’m sorry for everything. I can’t lose you too, and I know if I keep going - I’m going to. I just can’t.”​

Jyoti Nooran