No Longer Chasing Ghosts

[Setzi Lunelle]

There was no easy way to walk right through the gates of the Voss Academy, but to do so with confidence, and a sense of pride - that at least this time - wasn't as fake as a "lost Jedi artifact" in a market stall on Nar Shaddaa. Setzi Lunelle needed to return to her Force training, despite not relishing the awkward few moments trying to connect with old faces and acquaintances. Yet, like a stubborn bacta patch, sometimes it was good to just rip the material off as fast as you could. And that’s how Setzi felt about returning to the fold of the Silver Sanctum.

Her time as a spacer - spending many nights of solitude in The Pirate’s Foe and days alone wandering the temples of the galaxy, occasionally meeting other spiritual leaders for guidance and just meditating among the wonders that the natural world of the galaxy had to offer – all of this had been immensely healing for the padawan.

She was no longer chasing ghosts. Even her daughters, who she longed to see, had their own lives and hopefully knew where to find her. Setzi needed to finish what she’d started on Voss.

"If you’re not of sound heart and mind about that, you will stumble and you will fall because you don’t know what you want."

Those words were spoken by Connor Harrison, Jedi Master of the Silver Sanctum, her friend and former lover of her still-missing sister. He was unfalteringly correct in that assessment. There was no way the brunette padawan could have experimented with the Grey branch of the Force without ridding herself of the darkness first. She’d been too vulnerable and would have been back where she’d started.

Her sojourn had been extremely lonely but necessary.

Even the woman's gait was lighter, her body tan and lean from spending long days on the plains or in jungles. Always a farmer's daughter, she wore the outdoors well. Setzi strolled into the Academy in a non-descript pilot’s outfit, a little rough around the edges from her six months galaxy-hopping. She knew Master Harrison likely had an office of some sort in the Academy, and that’s where the brunette padawan was headed.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor Harrison stared into the reflection looking back at him; the man who he was losing touch of daily. In the dimly lit quarters at the corner of the South side of the Silver Temple, he was alone and only the noise from outside kept him company.

The dining table had his cups out from the Blue Milk he'd consumed but hadn't cleaned away. The bunk was lit with blue LEDs, and the kitchenette was empty. It was small, cosy and devoid of much life. The last time life had been present was when Chastity Lunelle had moved in to share the room with him. That was many moons ago. The Jedi Master stood topless, his navy trousers held by three brown belts and his hair flopping down. Blue eyes scanned the canvas of wounds across the torso, a few new bruises there from the Ruusan invasion. His armour was being touched up down in the hangar by his trusted Ranger squad, and he had asked not to be disturbed. Not that anyone would.

He was slipping away from the Sanctum, and many knew it. The ever growing presence of Dark Siders was a concern to him; while he had once touched upon the darkness and even now embraced it at times, he knew what side of the fight he was on and what he stood for. There were figures in the Sanctum halls who stood for the opposite, yet they were free to roam as one of them. This was not the Order he helped form a good decade or so ago.

With a long sigh, he turned his head to check each angle of his body. Each scar, each stitch, each ripple of muscle. Each fragment of his soul eaten away. Fingering his small goatee beard, Connor licked his lip gently and nodded. He would soon have to follow the path before him and make a choice.

Trust in the Force.

If she were still here, he would have everything he'd ever need to live and fight for.

Right now?

He had nothing.

[member="Setzi Lunelle"]

 

[Setzi Lunelle]

Setzi wandered the corridors with a vague feeling of déjà vu, though she was quite certain she hadn't been in this part of the Academy yet. She stopped a mousey female padawan in rough hewn brown robes and said, "Where does Master Harrison… " Hang out? No that was the wrong word. "Reside." Although she would welcome a more casual conversation where he perhaps did relax.
But Jedi never relaxed too much, did they?

"That way," she said, pointing and shuffling off unceremoniously.

"Okay," said the brunette padawan, but she felt vaguely as though she was entering more private quarters that were off limits to learners like her. A smirk at the thought that she was new to the Force and all of its magnanimous power. At least on the lightside.

Turning a corner, Setzi did come upon someone's residence, whether temporary or permanent it was hard to tell. She heard the rustling of someone in the vicinity, though her heart beat steady. There's nothing to fear here, Setzi? If this is where Master Harrison is, you've done well navigating the labyrinthian hallways of the Academy. If not, it's just "whoops, sorry I got lost and need to be somewhere else."

Like some kind of sketchy interloper, she crept closer, until she rounded the corner of the Academy residence. On softly padding feet, she entered, until she noticed Connor Harrison undressed and rambling around his apartment. Her heart beat faster, mostly due to the fact that she'd come upon this intimate moment uninvited. But there was no time like the present.

"Master Harrison," she said in a voice that sounded distinctly like Chastity's in its inflection and cadence. "I'm sorry to interrupt you, but could I have a word with you?"

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Served him right for not locking the door. He had nothing to hide, but didn’t expect anyone to enter without a knock at least. Still, it showed how much respect he didn’t have around the halls. His eyes moved on the mirror to glance at the figure in the door when they spoke, and he went cold, narrowing the dark blue irises.

The voice in his head from Ruusan. So it wasn’t a trick; or was it? He turned his head around to see them stood there. Why were the Lunelle women haunting him, even now?

Connor just looked at Setzi. The last time he’d seen here, it had been in Serenity Valley. He’d laid out his willingness to help, regardless of how he felt about her and their history when she had embraced the Sith, not to mention the spectre of Chastity that loomed over him like a ghost gripping onto his shoulders. And what had she done? Left.

Now she was back.

”You already had a word with me, remember. You left soon after. Are you going to do it again, because I’ve not got patience to chase you.”

He turned back to the mirror, not fumbling to cover himself or compose his emotions. What had they ever gained for him?

[member="Setzi Lunelle"]

 

[Setzi Lunelle]

While his tone was difficult to read, Connor's words were not. And Setzi quite deserved every bit of ire she'd drawn from the experienced Jedi Master.

Even though Master Harrison made no move to dress or even reposition himself elsewhere in the room, Setzi still lingered in the doorway, her eagerness to see him superseding any thought that it was rude to not knock on the door.

"I'm sorry that I left without saying goodbye. I won't do that again," the padawan said. Her green eyes were truly apologetic, a guilty grimace on her face. But then she smiled resiliently and continued: "But it was for the best. I listened to your words and realized, as cliched as this sounds, that I needed to find myself"

She wasn't feeling particularly verbose but suddenly a flood of words came tumbling out, along with emotion which showed by the tremble in her voice.

"Connor, we both lost someone extremely close to us. Not a day goes by when I don't think of Chas and I imagine it's the same for you." A pause. "I don't want to lose anymore friends if I can help it.

Suddenly Setzi realized that the Jedi Master seemed different - a little melancholy even. "Wait, are you okay?" she asked bluntly, nearly sure this cloud of gloom which hung over his tall frame was not caused by her.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

He looked at her through the mirror as she spoke as he rubbed a small amount of cream on shoulder to help heal the lightsaber burn he had taken on Ruusan. When she spoke without hindrance, he then knew she was rather serious and maybe had listened to him after all.

Turning, he wiped his hand on his chest and then motioned at the door behind her. It closed with a soft click, the green light indicating it was now secure beside it

”I’ve been better. Or, rather, should I say, I’m just fine and normal. I can’t tell anymore which is me.”

Clearly avoiding analysing his current emotional status, Connor scooped up his black vest and threw it over his head, wincing a little at the raw flesh under his left arm that was still tender. While he had accepted his scars and indented wounds on his front and back, it was better to hide them from others for he didn’t want to be gawped at.

”I think about her too,” he said, ”but I’ve stopped loving her. I’ve had to. However I won’t stop until I find her. She’s out there, somewhere. And I’ll bring her back to you.”

He turned, and perched on the edge of the small table, moving a cup out of the way. He scratched the back of his head before folding his arms. Defensive right from the off.

”I’m glad you at least returned and you found what you were looking for. What do you want to talk about?”

There was an inclination in Connor’s mind what it was about, but he couldn’t be sure. He couldn’t let her in that easily without knowing her intentions. Time had certainly passed since last time they had met last. And part of him still had to remember she was once a Sith out for his head.

[member="Setzi Lunelle"]

 

[Setzi Lunelle]

As the door clicked shut, Setzi noted it with a slight turn of her head backwards, but then faced the Jedi Master once more.

“Oh, you’re in pain,” she said in a softer voice as she caught him wincing. Her eyebrows knit in concern, and she now walked closer. The brunette padawan had been a healer at one time, but not a Jedi medic. Her healing hands would come with the terrible price of agony, pain and despair, and she wouldn’t even dare think of using the darkside skill again. Setzi quickly shut the mental door on memories of times she used this skill to the detriment of herself or others – even her old companion, Darth Pyrrhus, had not been immune to becoming her vessel as she healed the most egregious wounds.

She then gave a thin smile at his promise to bring Chastity back. The padawan had resigned herself to a galaxy where her sister never returned, but it filled her with a joyful feeling that Connor held out hope. She skirted around his comment over love as her own love-life had been extremely complicated so much that she barely knew where to begin in speaking about interspecies affection and devotion.

Then suddenly the Jedi Master clammed up a bit, his body language signaling that letting Setzi back into his life wasn’t going to be easy. No. This was going to be a difficult climb up a steep cliff.

She sighed and leaned against his bureau. “I really just wanted to catch up… find out what you’ve been up to.” Dancing around the issue of training – which is why she’d really come – she continued, “How did you get the recent scar?” On her monastic journey, she hadn’t been following HNN or galaxy events. When she’d arrived on Voss, she heard whispers of a war, but was naively out-of-touch over any substantial invasions in which the Sanctum was involved.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

His eyes moved to follow her as Setzi moved in a little more. From what he remembered, she looked a little different to the last time they had met. She looked...more assured of herself. It was a good job the Lunelle sisters weren't twins. There was a touch of Chastity in her features, but more of Setzi as not to be a painful reminder. Not TOO painful, anyway.

At her question, he looked to his arm and held it up, as one of those models would do flaunting their abs. But Connor wasn't a model, or overly muscular, and he was showing off the curved red strip of raw flesh running from his left armpit up the outer bicep.

"This? If you ever meet a Whale-Man who works for the Sith, don't take your eyes off him. I did, and nearly lost my arm because of it during the Ruusan invasion against the Sith Triumvirate."

Inspecting the arm, tracing it with his fingers tenderly, he stopped and looked up at the wall, remembering something from that moment before the hit. Connor turned to Setzi.

"You were there. Weren't you. On Ruusan. The voice inside my head." He pointed to her with his left hand. "I thought you were a trick. A vision put upon me by the Sith. And you are to blame for this." He pointed back to the scar. And smiled very slightly. "So tell me, where have you been all this time?"

[member="Setzi Lunelle"]

 

[Setzi Lunelle]

“Oh right, Ruusan.”

Setzi almost forgot, which made her feel like she was suddenly having an early bout of alzheimer's disease. But she did remember being rather shell-shocked that day, and in such a stunned and fragile state, her memory often suffered.

“I went on a pilgrimage of sorts,” Setzi replied. “To Jedi Temples and other mystical structures across the galaxy. Hence the sunburn,” she laughed, touching her nose, which did appear to have a stripe of red versus the rest of the tanned skin on her heart-shaped face.
Her eyes lingered on Master Harrison’s lean arm just a few seconds too long. She hadn’t remembered him being this handsome with his brown hair, streaked with ginger, his tall confidence and piercing irises. But then again, when she’d known him, her mind had been clouded, the darkside still tugging at her psyche, and on a daily basis, threatening to pull her under again.

But suddenly she laughed. “Remember when we fought on Toola? I think I literally growled at you. Like an animal.” Her face flushed at the memory and six months ago she would have shrunk back, extremely ashamed of the memory. But now?

It was hilarious. She’d tried to kill him, but all she remembered is him body-checking her like a shockball player, and then "Darth Azurea" had thrown the biggest temper tantrum. What had Taeli Raaf called her? A petulant child? It was an apt description of her anger-management issues to say the least.

Setzi shook her head. “When we spoke last, we discussed the Grey path. I’m not so sure I want to go there anymore. I’ve finally found peace in the light… but something’s missing…” The brunette padawan trailed off and finally took a seat at Connor’s booth where the blue milk sat. “I’m not keeping you from anything?” she asked, hoping she wasn’t getting too cozy now for his liking.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Again, Connor moved his eyes only as Setzi spoke to him. And she made him chuckle as she sauntered around and took a seat, reflecting on the past. Funny how the past always caught up with him when he least expected it.

Shifting around to sit on the edge of the table as she made herself comfortable, he pulled the cups away gently.

"I remember that day. You swore you’d kill me, I think. And you did growl. And frown. So, I guess I’m still waiting for that day you’ll stick a blade in my back. And no, you’re interrupting nothing except my own isolation and reflection."

This time, Connor didn’t fold his arms, but linked his fingers lazily on a crossed leg and looked out of the window to the South gardens for a second, mulling over what she had said. She certainly looked and felt different, physically and emotionally, that was for sure.

"So what’s wrong. What are you missing, except from the obvious?"

The obvious being what he expected of a sister; her other sibling. That feeling of loneliness he sort of understood, but didn’t resonate with as he could turn his emotions off far easier than most. But, then, there was affairs of the heart. Of course – Krux. Where was Krux? He hadn’t seen him in months. Maybe it was this that plagued her?

He glanced down at the slightly rosy-faced Lunelle girl, waiting for her answer.

[member="Setzi Lunelle"]

 

[Setzi Lunelle]

Setzi held up her palms and said, “Look, I have no weapons on me today. I didn’t even bring my lightsaber. If you wanted to you could strike me down right here,” she laughed. But then her eyes pooled with tears suddenly, and the back of her hand she brushed them away and continued on, trying not to break down.

“I sure hope you wouldn’t do that because I could really use a friend right now,” she said, her teeth flashing again in a smile. “And to answer your question, I just really don’t know. But there’s an emptiness there that’s different than the void I had before.”

Her lids closed for a moment and she breathed a soft, gentle sigh.

“Do you ever get the feeling that the Force is… I don’t know…. giving you a sign that you’re meant to be alone in the galaxy?”

Setzi wasn’t even sure what she meant, but she had burned through two lovers, given birth to two daughters and had a sister once. And none of them were around her, nor did she even know where they were. Do not dwell, Setzi. This is what got you so horribly morose in the first place. The feeling of being utterly alone, being a failure as a mother and feeling like you don’t deserve love – to give love or to receive it.

“But I didn’t mean you, Connor,” she quickly added, not wanting to insult him as though he were worthy of the same fate as she. The brunette padawan looked into the Jedi Masters’s eyes, and in the dim light, she could not tell if they were blue or green, but his penetrating gaze was one she could certainly get lost in for a while. She felt his magnetism for a moment, much like Chastity must have.

“A purpose,” she said finally. “That’s what I’m missing.” Her hand toyed with the stem of one of the blue milk glasses. “What would you say your purpose was, Connor?"

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

The topic was more serious than he imagined it to be; thinking she was missing...something trivial, not as deep as her place in the Force. Nodding gently, he slid down off the table and sat on the soft plush opposite, hands laced on the surface casually.

"That's a pretty deep question, and, no I'm not offended," he smiled, before toying this thumbs together in thought. "It's easier for me to say I understand your feelings. I have felt lost for quite some time. Lost in the Force, in the greater scheme of things. Not knowing where I'm going or where I am best placed."

He gently rubbed the bottom of his nose and rested his chin in the cup of a hand, looking out of the window.

"When Chastity left, I was devastated and angry, of course. I knew what I had to do, but I couldn't do it enough to find her. And then the Silvers started changing, merging, and that made me feel more lost in an Order I started to lose touch with. And then I suffered a few more losses with those I trained; at the hands of the Sith, and themselves. That added to my loss. And then my friend Corvus Raaf vanished. Since then, all that has happened since has been a blur. A long, un-eventful blur where I no longer feel part of anything. as you say, being alone."

His chest rose heavily and he let out a sigh, a pang of emotion hitting him when he openly admitted his problems.

"In answer to your question," the blue eyes flicked to Setzi, "I don't know what my purpose is anymore. I haven't for a long time. Part of me feels it's not here. But then, if not here, where? This is all I've known."

Connor paused.

"Are you alone, Setzi Lunelle? I mean, truly alone? I thought you had others around you."

[member="Setzi Lunelle"]

 

[Setzi Lunelle]

The green-eyed padawan watched Connor sit down, thankful he was an ear to bend at this moment. He could have easily thrown her out of his room today, or even banished her from Voss due to the fact that she'd been less than compliant with all of the Sanctum’s rules and patience with her.

But again, this is not the Sith, Setzi. There is no punishment here for mistakes. You are only meant to learn from them, nothing more. She followed his gaze when it went to the window and then back again to stare into his cerulean eyes.

She nodded when he spoke of Chastity. Her sister’s presumed death had absolutely shattered Setzi both physically and emotionally, and the Sith Lord she had recklessly romanced used that to his advantage. The darkside of the Force filled her void immediately and assuaged her melancholy daily, allowing her to wallow in pain, rage and grief, never healing, always chasing the next empty meal like a hungry ghost. But she always remained insatiable - the Daughter of Agony, Darth Azurea.

“I can feel the goodness and light in this room… on your aura,” she said, not directly answering the question. She felt that Connor perhaps couldn’t see it right now but there was not only a strong connection in the Living Force surrounding them, but at least for the roaming padawan, a feeling that she had returned home – to warmth, safety and forgiveness.

She tentatively reached across the table and rested her tanned, soft hand atop Master Harrison’s. She waited for him to flinch or pull it away and was ready to do the same if he did not appreciate the intrusion into his personal space. But she felt the need for immediate human contact at his admission that he may be just as lost as she was. “I have others…,” she started, pausing to think of the right words. “But they are not close and honestly likely not ready to see me yet. And vice versa. I don’t know what happened to Krux Mullarus, however. He seems to have disappeared, possibly since I left without saying goodbye.” She shrugged, trying not to seem too callous, but her soul-searching journey was a required event for the padawan. Non-negotiable in fact.

One corner of her mouth rose in an awkward smile. “I like to think that I have you... around me as a friend.”

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

The skin over his back bristled at the touch of her hand on his. It was a stranger's touch; it was a welcome touch, but it was a connection he couldn't afford to have - could he? Connor nodded and drummed his fingers gently under Setzi's and slipped his hand out gently. He then placed both of his atop hers, in an X formation.

"I've not seen Krux either, but I'm sure he's alright." To be honest, Connor didn't care and didn't afford those gone his sparse emotion. It didn't pay off. "It will be ok."

He looked at her eyes now and then, trying to avoid the deep irises. It was painful, and cut like a dagger.

For no fault of her own except her own gene pool, looking at Setzi, Connor saw the corrupted face of Chastity; worn from the Sith poison and a shell of the woman he had wanted to love. Slowly, his fingers curled off her skin and into fists as his body went cold. It was the ghosts of the past coming back to haunt him as they always did. A dry swallow scraped down his throat and he exhaled.

"I hate the fact you're here, but at the same time, it's...really good to see you," came his response after a few moments.

He'd said sorry to the Sith Lord after his head, but had he really said sorry to Setzi Lunelle? Had he said sorry to the sister? He bit down on his bottom lip to cause that rush of pain he needed to punish himself.

"I am truly sorry for letting Chastity down," he said, eyes dark and voice stern, "and losing her from Voss. I am truly sorry. For....." his hands fumbled and he shook his head. Nothing. Then, he slammed his palms down on the table, jolting the cups. If she felt the good in the room before, she would feel the spike rising from him too.

"Friends. I don't have friends anymore, and this is all...you know..." the words were laced with venom. He pushed down on the table, breathing long and hard as words turned to a low grunt. This was generous amount of emotion and frustration bubbling over the lip of the bottle it had been building in, and the peaceful, emotive touch from Setzi Lunelle coupled with her soft words had drawn it out.

[member="Setzi Lunelle"]

 

[Setzi Lunelle]

As Connor removed his hand from hers, Setzi went to withdraw it, but then both his hands crossed over her in a protective gesture. She glanced down at them, not wanting to stare, her eyes then wandering the room and back up to lock onto his blue irises. Her heart filled with a sudden joy that he may want to help her, to protect her. Not in the way that Krux Mullarus had – almost always assuming that Setzi was too weak and vulnerable to do things for herself. But protection as partnership, like family. If Master Harrison had been as close to Chastity as he hinted, he would be well aware of the self-reliance – to the point of stubbornness – both girls displayed.

She laughed when he said he hated that she was here, but it wasn’t a malicious laugh. They had once been sworn enemies, and with a lightsaber would have sliced through a vulnerable neck in a heartbeat if they had been this close as Jedi and Sith. She knew how he felt, though through her travels, she’d self-flagellated the thick rancor right out of her body and soul. Long days were spent hiking and on almost endless nights, she watched the stars by herself, soberly reflecting upon her life so far.

Connor’s tone became apologetic when he spoke of Chastity and then decidedly angry. She jumped when he slammed his fist on the table. When she spoke her tone was much firmer:

“I could blame you, Connor. I could blame you as far back as when you met the both of us at the Chroma Zed Spaceport that day. That’s when our fates first entwined.”

She remembered vividly that day, how the Jedi Master helped the two girls with a robbery attempt. He’d been just as chivalrous then as he was now.

"No one is to blame for our loss of Chastity." A pause and then Padawan Lunelle continued:

“My trip away from Voss and the Sanctum was cleansing. Maybe that’s what you need as well,” she offered a bit helplessly. “By the stars, it was so good for me to travel around... I would even join you.”

Was that too presumptuous? Maybe he needed to be alone in his anger and grief as she had. Though the brunette felt firmly that her trip solo would have been one-hundred percent better with a friend. Like Connor, at the time, Setzi had felt that she’d run out of those.

As his hands covered her knuckles in that X formation, she turned her own hands upwards, her palms now in his. The Jedi squeezed his hands warmly, letting her body do the rest of the talking, rather than fumbling along with words. It was the grip of friendship, although the way her fingers stroked his palms softly hinted at the woman’s curiosity, and the fact that there may have been something passing between them that was less exalted and more primitive. At least on Setzi’s part as a warm desire filled her chest, gazing upon the Jedi Master despite his obvious torment.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Head down, eyes closed for a while, focusing and centering himself right where he was, Connor felt the upturned hand of Setzi and didn't fight it. The problem was, he felt immune to anything now more than ever. The few palms that had crossed his had ended up burnt, bloodied....or buried.

"The ironic thing is Setzi, is that I've tried that. I've been far away to the East, and the West in Sanctum space. And I still found my way back here feeling....soulless. Is that the right term?"

He didn't look up still, just held on for what felt like forever. If she was focused on him, she'd see the little shake of the shoulders and laugh passing through his lips.

"Chroma Zed. That was a lifetime ago. Look where we are now. And to think if I hadn't have caught Chast's eye and tried to be a gent - "

Words stopped. The cold shiver ran up his spine and across his arms, forcing him to pull away and rub his arm where it felt like a thousand tiny spiders were crawling across his skin. If he hadn't have caught Chast's attention and brought her to Voss, she'd be here, still with her sister, who would be devoid of a past linked to the Sith.

This man really was a walking time-bomb. Was Setzi next?

"You don't have to answer, but what was it that took you away from the Sith? What lay Azurea dormant? I feel my time is running out with the Silvers, but I don't know what to do about it. "

Now, Connor looked up and felt how he knew others saw him - emotionally weak, detached and volatile.

[member="Setzi Lunelle"]

 

[Setzi Lunelle]

There was a veneer to Connor, one she felt that by her presence alone, she might be able to crack through. But he was a different man now than before. The last time they spoke seriously in Serenity Valley, ironically he was the more serene one, and not Setzi. Or so she presumed, though the brunette padawan was so stuck in her head, it was difficult to see outside of it, much less off to the horizon.

But now… should she be worried about him?

The reflection to Chroma Zed caused a break in the melancholy, but then it was back.

Oh how Setzi could relate. It was almost as though, she’d swapped places with him, feeling acutely as though she were gazing at herself in a mirror six months ago. But you weren’t so handsome with such sharp cheekbones, were you Setz, she thought with a soft smile?

“I honestly think it was no more complicated than giving myself time and distance from my time with the One Sith. And also a chance to break away from those associated with it as well.”

Unstated, she was referring to Krux Mullarus. It was a subject that she would not allow into her head at the present time. Because yes, her past with Pyrrhus, with Mullarus – all of that had to be excised like a rapidly growing tumor. Looking back, she knew there was no other way. But at the time, it felt like the hugest betrayal to leave Voss, again, without saying goodbye to acquaintances, friends, confidants, and even lovers.

“Look at me,” she said abruptly, feeling that she was losing him to his own ghosts now, possibly not even Chastity. Perhaps others he felt he’d failed, former friends and companions alike. The padawan felt a little funny, stomach fluttering even over the thought that she was giving the Jedi Master a direct order, but she was serious in her intent.

“I was a Sith. I know what it’s like to suffer. To want to suffer. To revel in it actually, drink it in like a poison wine. Believe me, at times the most toxic delicacies are the most heavenly.”

You’re fumbling with this Setzi. You don’t know where you’re going. Only that she wanted to connect on some level to let him know that she understood.

“Connor, what would you say to Darth Azurea if she were sitting across from you right now?”

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Her sharp command made him raise his head, inhaling sharply to clear his thoughts. If only people could see into the private quarters he had to call his own, when he was like this. If only they could see him acting with the weight of the past on his shoulders, and every action and consequence still digging into his flesh like hooks and pulling him down. Maybe then they would understand? Or simply cast him out.

Who knew.

Setzi knew a little, for like a few people he had crossed in the years, she had touched the Dark Side and survived. Her question made him think. His eyes drifted to hers, and then to the window as he forced a small smile to try and look semi-human and less like a miserable...well...

"I think I'd ask her if it was all worth it. The power. The control. The fear she commanded. And the losses she suffered because of it? Because I've always wanted to taste that wine, and right now...I can't see a bad reason not to."

Safe to say, Connor was attracted to those with a darker side and it teased that dangerous side out of him.

"I'd then ask her to...hm." He tapped his thumb gently on the table and shook his head slowly to think. "I'd ask her to find a way back to being Setzi Lunelle again, because there is something special in that girl and I need her to show me I can move forwards from the past, not backwards."

His eyes moved to her.

"If you, Setzi, forgive me for failing your sister, that will help. Because I was to blame. Believe me. And to me you will always be part Sith, part Jedi. But I find that empowering, so in that regard you've survived something I've never experienced."

[member="Setzi Lunelle"]

 

[Setzi Lunelle]

The brunette padawan did not judge. In fact, she felt utterly empathetic to Connor’s emotional plight. And the small smile that appeared on his long, thoughtful face gave her hope that her words were getting through.

“Exactly,” Setzi said, eyes widening. Her heart lept with pride when he said her name. She didn’t know why, but perhaps it was because she admired him so much. When she bumped into him at the Academy, or even that time in Serenity Valley, she’d always felt that Connor Harrison was larger than life, a true champion of the light side of the Force. She never felt that she could even compare.

And yet, here he was, plagued with doubt, fears and regret.

“Of course I forgive you. In fact, I will only because you want me to, but honestly, one does not need forgiveness if they’ve done nothing wrong.”

She wanted to take his hand again, but the Jedi was trying to not invade his personal space. If he wanted physical contact, however, she allowed her body language to provide the invitation versus words. She lay her hands on the table, palms up again, close to his but not touching.

“You know, I could also hate the fact that you still consider me half-Sith,” Setzi continued. “But it’s a part of my past, and it always will be. It would mean hating myself, and I’m through with that. I deserve more.”

She bit her lower lip and glanced down at her hands, feeling futile and useless, but she would continue on. Her brown eyes pierced his blue ones.

“You deserve more too, Connor. How can I help you see this?”

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Good question. He cocked his head a little, looking at her whilst searching for the answer. Maybe there was one way to see how much they could discover - safe to say he wasn't exactly buzzing with activity in the Temple, even though he enjoyed the quiet and cool interior of his quarters. Shifting in his seat, brushing a cup to the side, he took both of her hands in his and had a curious glint in his eye.

"How about we take a trip somewhere."

Yes. This was a dangerous move to make but he didn't deny the pleasure he felt in being close to someone again even with a touch of the hand. Evidently, he felt an attraction to her. She was naturally pretty and showed him more compassion than most. Why was he drawn to these women who had tasted the darkness? On the other hand, she was Chastity's sister. But she wasn't here, was she.

"I always find things seem to flower when it's just two people searching for something. If there is something you deserve, you will find it. If not, well at least you tried. That, or we can simply stay here and talk about the past and the pain it brings."

Life was short, and evidently he longed for something he'd never managed to hold onto for long without tragedy rearing up. Was this tempting fate with the Lunelle gene? Part of Connor wanted to fight the feeling he felt, that attraction and that want, but part of him was giving up on fighting if things felt...right. Right? Maybe not RIGHT right, but certainly NICE right. For now.

He didn't know. The emotional wall he'd built over the years had done a good job of keeping people out, but was he now paying the price both personally and professionally? His thumbs stroked her skin all through the conversation.

"I'd certainly like to get to know you better, and chart the journey you've taken to see how you came knocking on my door of all the doors you could have chosen."

And then, he remembered!

"You said you wanted to talk to me about something - what was it?"

[member="Setzi Lunelle"]