Once bitten, Twice Shy

[Adele Adonai]

A R B R A ​

I'm a hypocrite.

The words echoed within A'dele's mind. She knew it. She knew it well. She was running away. Running away from having to face Avalore. From having to face Jacen.
There was a distinct desire to avoid him.

It wasn't that she was afraid he'd tell. It was that she couldn't hide anymore. Noticed her. He saw her. Saw who she was to the core and still...

Pale lids fell down to stare at her hands.

The illusion was up again. Pale alabaster skin with nary a trace of corruption. Her eyes were that same glacial blue as before. What Jacen had seen at her weakest was no longer evident to the common eye.

Yet he'd still know.

That.. alarmed her. Although not as much as the lack of reasoning she could find for running away, yet bringing the wooden box that contained his giftwith her.

It made no sense.

As much as the way her fingers trembled every time she let the slender digits graze over it.

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

Say one thing for Jacen Voidstalker, say when there's something that needs to be done he gets to it. But it hadn't always been that way. His low points had become self fulfilling prophecy before. Knowing what needed to be done, but crippled by inaction he had made matters worse and sunk deep below the surface.

For the first time in months Jacen found himself reticent to leave his own chambers. Thought was swimming through molasses, a constant energy sapping struggle to find clarity. An ice cold grip held his insides tight, but he took that as a good sign. It was when all feeling was stifled, when the canvas of life had all colour drained from it, that he would know he had sunk to the bottom. That patch of wall was starting to look pretty grey now. The one person he'd turn to when those storm clouds loomed overhead, threatening to plunge him back into one of those dark times, was no longer within his reach.

Avalore didn't know where she had gone. No one did. At first he'd assumed some kind of emergency, deluding himself that it wasn't related to what she'd revealed to him. He knew the truth. The facts told him, the Force told him. He let out one long, stuttered sigh. His lungs felt tight. Jacen looked down at the palms of his hands, fingers lightly curled inwards. All those marks and calloused were watermarks of the path he had trodden. But the scars of his mistakes were not on the surface.

There was something to be done and he couldn't even get up off the edge of his mattress. He failed another and they'd left his life. Now he was being betrayed by his own mind again. So many looked up to him and didn't see the inherent flaws of character that he fought. This was why it was easier not to make any kind of attachment. Every family he'd had was gone now. His own flesh and blood, the soldiers he'd fought beside and grown close to, his Padawan, Adele.

He growled softly at himself. There was something to be done and he had limited time. The honeybee was loyal and could not venture far from the hive when it was threatened. Damnit, but she had helped him become something more. Something the others looked up to. Someone who could live in the moment and shake off the ghouls of the past.

Feet moved excruciatingly slowly at first. Yet as he drew himself up to his full height his expression changed, his bearing shifted. As he left his room each step became easier and by the time he'd reached the spaceport it no longer felt like he was walking through deep mud that sucked at his feet and sapped his stamina.

[member="Adele Adonai"]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Adele Adonai"]

The world turned and Jacen sat still. From here, in the ring of Bafforr, one could not see the distant mountain ranges. Only the stars above continuing their inexorable motion across the sky. That slow dance was occasionally punctuated by the bright streak of a meteor burning up over the Temple.

Normally Jacen preferred the sensory deprivation of the chambers deep below the surface for this. Yet this quiet little site now held some significance he hoped would help him find that connection again. His lack of progress so far did not deter him, but it did affect his spirits. No one at the spaceport had been able to help, his traditional means had offered no start to a trail he could follow.

So he knelt here in silent meditation. Only the Bafforr trees for companionship. When he listened, he could sense their sentience. Those events they had witnessed had perhaps changed the timbre of their presence when he touched them. Did such things pay any attention to the matters of other beings?

Jacen knelt in silence and stretched his presence out into the void. A beacon of the light. He called her name. There was no way he could find her; he had not the skill. Instead he hoped she might be reaching out herself and happen upon him. Jacen knew that if she closed herself off, if she hid from him, she would be gone forever. Doing something, anything, was better than trying to contemplate that eventuality.

 

[Adele Adonai]

Adele...


It wasn't so much that she heard Jacen's voice as much as she felt it. In this the Iridonian would reap the consequence of her actions; of getting too close.

Of allowing herself to be seen.

The Force was always infinite in its power, and truth be told, she should have known. Should have taken precautions. Should have been safe. Yet she let herself become swept up in her illusion. In that she could maintain her facade if she simply did her best.

It simply didn't work that way.

The more time she spent in deep medication with Jacen, in teaching him the very methods that had brought her a modicum of control had unlocked a door. It had paved a bridge. One she didn't expect to ever have to worry about. Much as when Adele had stretched out her mind to touch the unique auras of those she would imbue with a boost of moral, so too could it become a two way street.

For a Master at her pupil's success would grant a measure of pride. However, all A'dele could feel as the faint flutter of Jacen's consciousnesses briefly would kiss the edge of her consciousness was surprise. Surprise and confusion. There was guilt there. As well as shame.

It was as if staring at a distant mirage at high noon. Was it truly there or not? Or was it a mere figment of the imagination?

Hesitation would float upon the fabric of the Force. A trembling flower in the wind. There was a part of her that wanted to breach that connection. To test and see if there was substance to that mirage.

Another part of her recoiled at the thought. It desired take a step back. To hide.

But how does one hide once caught in the light of the sun?

​

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

Jacen did nothing for a few moments. Mind and body frozen in that instant. There had been many times in the hours when, deprived of most sensory input, he his subconscious had played tricks on him. Was this her or just another echo of his perception of her.

It was her. That first flutter of surprise settled changed as she recoiled from him. That guilt ran far deeper than he could comprehend. This was why she had left. He had spent hours trying to work out what could possibly have caused her to leave. Such a simple thing.

Was there any way he could make her realise that she could return, or at least tell him where she was? He had shown that he could accept what she had been, what she was and still she had fled in shame.

He took a slow breath in through his nose. Drawing in something from the physical world and into that connection. That bitter, almost dank scent had an earthy quality that he was so familiar with now.

Are you safe?

It was the essence of his concern that would come across most clearly if she was still receptive.

 

[Adele Adonai]

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

Safe was a relative term when one was their own worst enemy.

One could hide within the meditation of the mind as much as they could be cast out into the light. Adele knew that too well now. Hesitation went rippling across that connection, a cautious pause like the catch of a breath before the exhale.

​

​

The Weaver would observe at the distant Honeybee, watching it rove ever so cautiously. The longer she did so from amidst her burrow of shelter, the more that earthy bitterness of bafforr pollen seemed to dust the fine delicate webbing of her senses.

It comforted the Iridonian as much as it pained her.

A deep breath seemed to fill that connection, as if uncertain. Cautious. Indecision would hover as a mental finger pad floated above that fragile connection, until finally, she gently set a sensitive pad upon it. It was a single reply, a mere brush of a petal’s caress blown by a gentle wind.

Yes.

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

She'd feel the slow mental unwinding as that knot unravelled. A slow exhale that released some of the tension. A brief bob and dip as the bee cautiously approached.

I'm glad

Many questions swirled around his head behind that wall of diamond bricks. She'd feel his consternation as he tried to resolve what he would convey without sending her away. He had never expected this to work, just this faint touch, knowing she was safe, was precious to him.

They're all worried about you. I…didn't tell them.

They're not as concerned as I am.

She'd feel that raw concern through the connection, but also a quick spike of confusion. Jacen hadn't mean to convey the second message. It was hard to filter internal thoughts and what he wished to share with A’dele. Maintaining this connection was taxing for him, trying to segregate internal thoughts was difficult.

 

[Adele Adonai]

​

The thing about such mental connections as this, there were always bits and pieces that would bleed out. Items that one wouldn’t intend to pass through. During their time together for their meditation sessions, A’dele had been the one to bridge those connections, to set up the foundation for Jacen to slowly augment his skills.

Few were able to reach the level of concentration and focus such intensive meditation required, but the Hound had managed to slowly, but surely, lay each single crystal brick that would augment his mental fortress and allow him to extend his sphere of influence.

That he had managed to reign in and shift the purgatory she had been so anxious to hide had proven just how far in his grasp of dreamscape, serenity, and meditation the Jedi Master had come. There was a notion of pride in that, along with the surprise that he was actively searching for her.

A slight bit of indecision hit her. It was easier for her to block her emotions, to weave that web of diamond thread that would prevent intrusion. However, their connection made it difficult now. Awareness was there. As was that bit of trepidation.

Shallow ripples would coast over that pond as the tentative bee fluttered ever closer. The Weaver’s lips would purse. Where she sat in meditation, her brows gave just the slightest furrow. He was straining to keep the connection, taking up every bit of focus he could.

It could be easy. She could simply cut it here. End it. Sever it.

Yet she couldn’t bring herself to.


[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Adele Adonai"]

She remained, but that was all she did. The connection was almost broken when he felt a bead of sweat roll down his temple and across his cheek. He retreated further from the physical realm, gave more of himself to keep the tenuous connection in place.

He was anxious, yet he knew that to be a mistake. Jacen couldn't allow himself to be driven by his emotions. That road led to dark places. In the real world he let a slow breath out through his nose. Here he allowed those ripples to wash over him, holding his position.

Jacen did not delve further, he did not ask any more questions. Jacen remained. He waited calmly to see if she would do anything more than dismiss his intrusion.

 

[Adele Adonai]

Adele felt the strain the Jedi would shudder under. How he sacrificed more and more of his strength to maintain that connection. The more he gave, the greater the Weaver could sense the emotional backwash from [member="Jacen Voidstalker"]. She felt the warring crash like a wave beats the walls of a sea cliff. Each rolling batter weathering down the Jedi, taking a little bit more of those crystal walls. Eroding his strength. Near sundering the singular lighthouse within that sea.

Yet remaining stout and rooted in his determination. As if merely within that eye of the storm.

It was an echo the Iridonian could relate to. One that breathed over with poignant clarity and familiarity. Within the physical, a slow exhale would breathe out, bringing with it upon that bridge a low fog.

Tendrils of the Force went reaching out, spider webs of intricate lace flowing upon the surface, tunneling with tensile strength. They went dancing across the distance towards the Hound, where they latch upon with the warming heat of Adele's strength. There they seeped into his skin, a blanket of energy that would shoulder the burden and grant him reprieve.

A mental blink brought that all too familiar pond into existence. Quiet as the grave, but breathing like a living entity as that fog misted over that inky blue surface.

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Adele Adonai"]

The stem of the flower bowed as the bee came to settle upon the petal. It drooped as it took its weight for a moment, before standing proud again.

Jacen was glad of the sudden reprieve. It still took a great deal of his concentration to hold this connection, but he was no longer drawing deep from his reserves. Through those chinks in the glass armour Adele would sense the depth of his concern for her. But he was glad that she had reached back out towards him.

His avatar meandered through the fog towards the edge of the pool. It was not so long ago that he dived into those murky depths, grasping her outstretched hand just before she could be dragged under. He wasn't sure how this all worked. He believed that perhaps she manifested her own fears down there, perhaps with shards of the past that she had parcelled off. Maybe that is what Fal drew upon when he struck at her.

He had bare feet in this manifestation. His toes scrunched into the turf at the bank of the pool as his eyes scanned the opaque air. In this realm that fresh scar was curiously apparent on his features.

I'm here. You don't have to hide in there.

 

[Adele Adonai]

I'm here. You don't have to hide in there.

Not so easy.

The trees gave a sigh. Weary and worn. As if they'd seen a lot of things. Known much in their lifetime. For a time, that silence lingered, broken only by the sighs of the breeze. The inky blue water lapped at the edges of the pond, while the flowers and cattails slowly bent back and forth within their sway.

Until finally a singular phrase went drifting over that pond.

“Every why has its wherefore.”

The soft and quiet inflection would drift over towards the Jedi Master with the familiar calm serenity of a trickling brook. It was A'dele's voice, murmuring the first distant echoes of the first Caamasi proverb she had given him in that cell so many months ago.

It all comes to full circle you see.

Everything has a reason.

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Adele Adonai"]

For a fleeting moment the corner of his mouth twitched upwards. It was hard to attribute how he saw Adele now, to his memories of her back in that cell. That she wanted to stay hidden didn't mean she had to, but it also meant he couldn't force her out where he could see her.

Perhaps if they have been closer he might have tried to cross those waters, but he didn't have the strength. If he intruded, she would simply severe the connection. He might never see or sense her again. Jacen didn't want that. He wanted her to feel accepted, to come back to Sullust where she was safe. Where she would be near.

I wish you were still here.

 

[Adele Adonai]

Truth.

Lids fell, a light flutter upon alabaster and indigo cheeks upon the Weaver's avatar. Caution hung in the air. Wariness. Not of [member="Jacen Voidstalker"], but of what remained.

A slow gust of wind would sway branches, scattering leaves to the wind with a soft sigh. Thick moss coated the ground, a carpet of green that would protect against the sharp slate rocks of that shore. Water lapped at black sand, and everything seemed to be painted in muted blues, greens, and grays.

Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood.

The decade of penance made that clear. As did the rest when she followed suit.

Yet a single slip may cause lasting sorrow.

It was odd, to hear her quote the same proverbs she had given to him months past. The very ones she had said to aid him in his path when he was in doubt. When spoken now in this context, things were a little bit more clear on the Iridonian, why she hermit-ed herself away. Kept herself distant. Yet it was troubling when all the while, what she had striven to do had ultimately failed.

Nothing is as it seems, Master Voidstalker.

Least of all me.

Still waters run deep.

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Adele Adonai"]

Jacen took a deep breath, giving her words the careful consideration they deserved. He’d felt those surges of emotion when her guard had fallen, seen the permanent dark stains of corruption. Yet despite that he knew some things of Adele Adonai. He knew of the great care and attention she could deploy to a task, he knew that she no longer acted in haste and he knew that when it had come to it she had stood her ground to defend a hospital from the Sith and been sent to the Netherworld for it. Whatever she had been, she was not. Just wanting to hide her past was testament enough to that.

He slowly released the breath. Jacen reminded himself that he should have been thankful. She was safe, she was still communicating with him. That started to undo the knot that had formed in his throat. Through that flimsy mental wall he still held, much of these internal thoughts would be conveyed to Adele, but not deliberately.

How naïve must I have seemed when I struggled alone with such a small burden? Why do you have to be alone now? I would help, if I could.

He wondered if she even still had the circlet. It hadn’t been left behind, but that didn’t necessarily mean she had it now.

 

[Adele Adonai]

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

Why.

A faint grimace went drifting across the Iridonian's pale visage, wrinkling the violet stain of her tattoos that decorated the middle of her brow. It was hard to explain as it was so simple. Bleeding through the veil would be the extent of her confusion, along with a healthy dose of uneasiness.

Adele wasn’t quite sure how to react to the flow and flux of his emotions and thoughts.

When the thoughts shifted towards his gift, a sense would be relayed that she indeed, still had the circlet. However, that sense of being unworthy of it would still linger. It was as if the Weaver felt that the taint of her past lingered with the stench of her sins. No matter how much one tried, attempted to turn oneself into a blank slate, that lingering stain remained.

Perhaps therein lay the answer as to why she subjected herself to isolation. That temptation was ever there. It was a constant struggle.

One she had burdened herself with silently this past decade. Keeping it quiet. Keeping it calm.

Fear, alas, is a trial that Adele had yet to master fully. That fear of what she was in the past, and what she very well could revert to in the future.

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Adele Adonai"]

Jacen was silent for a moment, on both sides of that mental barrier. He allowed himself to be free of his concerns for a little longer, allowing his mind to centre itself. When he resumed his train of thought there was a greater focus as he pressed on.

I am glad. It was a gift given freely. That I did not realise your need was far greater does not mean you shouldn't accept it.

She was scared. He'd seen that fear manifest itself in those depths. How could you confront your fear when you were afraid of yourself? You look in the mirror. But what did she see when she looked in the mirror? Something twisted? Something from the past? Something she could be again?

She needed to herself through other eyes. So he showed her.

That barrier was pulled down even more as he focussed his mind on how he perceived her. She would be subject to the full depth of the affection that had slowly grown over time. The esteem he held her in, his respect for her opinions and wisdom. The way he perceived her bravery for putting herself in the line of danger despite knowing the risks.

Being alone with the thing you fear cannot help. If you won't come here, I would come to you.

 

[Adele Adonai]

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

Why?

The question would echo with confusion.

It was hard to register the image that [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] had of her. It made her visibly flinch within the seiza meditation she sat in. It was difficult to view it in her mind, as if it were an optical illusion. A mirage. That couldn’t be her. No, she knew better. He did not.

When one has spent as much time in purgatory as herself, one becomes well aware of it.

Or at least, becomes well used to each and every flaw and perhaps, in their mind, could never truly live up to the lofty expectations that could offer atonement.

It was that small tie, none the less, that connection of confusion that would grant Jacen precious seconds should he choose to narrow further.

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Adele Adonai"]

​

​

Because I should. Because I want to.

His concentration started to waver, but the connection held. This was further than he had stretched before and even if she was holding the rope up from the other end, he was still starting to tire.

There was one thing above all else she'd sense from him now: temptation. Knowing that he couldn't hold this indefinitely he was tempted to try and hone in on her location, or to see if her walls were thin enough to take it from her. But he didn't. All she would do is run again, perhaps even into the clutches of Fal if she went far enough. No if he was going to find out where she was, he would know she wanted him to come.

 

[Adele Adonai]

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]


His wouldn't be the only temptation to be felt through that connection.

The Jedi would feel hers.

The respect and intimacy that had grown between the pair had surprised A'dele, more than she ever thought possible. He had managed to slip in behind her emotional walls and mental defenses. How the Weaver had so carefully constructed her sanctuary to keep herself distant and disconnected. In her mind, it was the only way she would be able to uphold the orthodox philosophy that came of strictly following the Jedi Code of old.

Only that such a stance was every bit a purgatory than a state for her to come to true peace and serenity. Fear. Anger. Hate. Such were of the Darkside, and once one had swam that sea, the stain of the journey lingered. After more than a decade, those stains were seemingly still fresh to her. While they were not apparent to others, for the Iridonian, they were very real to her.

Perhaps, in her quest, in her fear of reverting back to what she had been, she had not fully comprehended that forgiveness does not start from others, but from the self.

A hazy outline of the Jedi Master would bloom just off in the distance for Jacen. A pale glimpse of blonde hair dancing in the breeze. The air seem to take a breath, the calm before the storm.

/ Not only can water float a boat, it can sink it also. /

Her voice would echo tentatively.