Private One Stitch at a Time

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons:
Tag: Amani Serys

This was the most exhausting thing Gatz had ever attempted, and he was learning the way of the lightsaber from Valery Noble of all people.

No amount of light plasma burns, grueling muscle fatigue, or exposure to the various harsh climates Valery trained him in could compare to this effort. This one simple thing, closing a small cut on Master Serys-Organa's hand, was draining him in a way that Val's physical beatdowns simply never would. He felt like a battery being quickly discharged, and he wasn't sure what would happen when he finally hit empty.

"You're doing it. I told you it would come to you."

"Yeeeup!" The strain in his voice was obvious.

But then he felt the wound close, finally. And with a gasp of air, Gatz doubled over, bracing his hands on his knees. Sweat poured down his brow, and his vision was swimming. He felt lightheaded, and his legs may as well have been made of jelly. Hell, if he tried to take a step, he'd probably end up careening to the ground.

But he'd done it.

"That is the single most exhausting thing I've ever done," he wheezed out, "and I've fought Sith Knights. Also Valery."

 

[Amani Serys]

"That is the single most exhausting thing I've ever done,

Amani couldn't help a chuckle, seeing things from the other side. Still she leaned over and placed a hand on his shoulder, checking on him just in case his reaction got worse. "That's Force Healing for you."

"Don't worry, I almost passed out the first time I tried it. And have passed out a few times since," The mirialan snorted, remembering her training with fond memories now. But there was a time when it seemed nearly impossible. She furrowed her brow, showing a touch of concern now, "Sorry, perhaps I should've been a bit more clear with my warning. Are you feeling lightheaded or anything? Do you need to take a break?"

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons:
Tag: Amani Serys

While he was doubled over, Master Serys-Organa laid a hand on his shoulder. It practically stabilized him, and kept him from falling over. He'd figured his first attempt was going to kick his ass, especially after being told the energy had to come from him. But this was still more than he'd anticipated. If he tried to do that a second time, right now, he'd pass out and fall flat on his face. Or end up killing himself.

Oh wow, that was probably a real possibility wasn't it?

"Definitely lightheaded," Gatz wheezed out.

But after a few minutes, and sitting down nearby, Gatz caught his breath. He was still worn out, but he at least his legs would work properly now if he tried to use them. He supposed that healing was a lot like any other Force ability: in that it was a muscle, and it required exercise to build strength. He wasn't going to be healing gut wounds anytime soon. At least, not through the Force.

But there was something deeply satisfying in knowing he had successfully healed a wound, however small. More satisfying than lightsaber training had ever been. Even more satisfying than flying.

"Master," Gatz had to ask about the risks, now that he'd thought about them, "if the energy required for healing comes from me... then is there a real danger of killing myself with this, if I'm not careful? Could I... expend everything I have?"

 

[Amani Serys]

"Take your time," Amani patiently waited while Gatz caught his breath. She crouched down beside him, inspecting her freshly healed palm. When he spoke again, she perked up, though the subject matter shed light on a serious concern.

"…Yes. And no," Amani replied, clearly a bit conflicted in how to respond. She then clarified, "In a typical situation, there is certainly the potential to drain oneself immensely, if one tries to healsmore than they can withstand. But it's far more likely that you'll fall unconscious and stop, before anything worse happens. Of course, that can lead to dangers of its own," She shrugged. An unconscious healer, in say, a war zone or another critical situation, would be one less person helping, and one more person needing help. And if a danger was imminent, they obviously would be defenseless. "But in extreme cases, if you push yourself past those limits, especially if already weak and drained… It is possible one could die from exertion."

"Granted, that's not unique among Force powers." Other powers could also exert a Force user to death, with prolonged use.

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons:
Tag: Amani Serys

Gatz was tired... but also accomplished, and that was a rare thing for him to feel.

Taking life was old hat for Gatz. Doing what he did—living as dangerously as he did—people practically threw themselves in front of his gun. Thugs trying to steal a shipment off of his ship, pirates trying to blow him out of the sky, bounty hunters chasing the mark on his head, crime lords he'd managed to piss off—a lot of people had tried to kill him, and in turn, he'd been forced to kill them.

Self-defense or not, at the end of the day, he'd killed a lot of people. And that left a hollowness in his chest, one that nothing seemed to fill, no matter what he'd tried to do in this last year. Because, for all the good he'd done, most of it still happened at the end of a blaster barrel.

But not this. This one thing, as small as it was, required no loss of life. No violence. No threats. Just a soft touch, an effort of will, and the desire to help someone. And that felt more right than anything ever had.

Plus, it really wasn't an outright risk to his life unless he was really pushing it and trying to expend his energy when he was already weakened. That already made it safer than anything he'd ever done since meeting Valery. Maybe he could stop doing things that ended in him getting shot, or stabbed, or blown up.

"So, as long as I'm not stupid, I should be fine."

Gatz thought that summed things up succinctly.

"So, then, where do I go from here?" Gatz asked, "I mean, outside of slitting my palm open repeatedly, how do I practice with this? What's the next step?"

 

[Amani Serys]

"A generally applicable statement for life, I'd say," Amani chuckled. She mused on his question for a moment, considering.

"If you want more experience, your best bet is to get involved. Volunteer for some medical outreaches, spend some time at the Healing Halls. Work alongside those more experienced, let them impart their own knowledge, and help where you can. Piece by piece, you'll get the hang of it, so long as you commit." She nodded, affirming her own statement, "It won't be easy, and it won't come quick. But nothing good ever is or does."

She laid one hand over the other in front of her, "So, Gatz, is there anything else I can help you with for today?"

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons:
Tag: Amani Serys

The Healing Halls?

That sent a tremor of fear through Gatz. The Jedi Temple on Coruscant was a place he had stayed far, far away from. He hadn't set foot in there in fifteen years, and with good reason: he'd seen something that had made even the young child he'd been become disillusioned with the Order.

To say nothing of the fact that he probably wouldn't be welcome.

"I'm not sure I can come to the Healing Halls, Master," Gatz turned his head away, his uncertainty clear, "I haven't been a Jedi in a long time. And even though I'd like to return, few would welcome me. Even fewer would teach me."

Most Masters weren't looking to take on a Padawan in their mid-twenties. Especially not one with his storied past, or the sheer amount of attention he'd need to help him catch up after letting his knowledge and connection to the Force waste away for fifteen years. To say nothing of whether or not he even deserved the chance to return.

Valery might have thought so, but she was also biased. The average person looked at him and saw scum. They were right to see that.

But Gatz had taken up enough of Master Serys-Organa's time.

"No, Master, that's all I needed today. I'm sorry to have taken up your time. But thank you for being willing to come all the way out here."

Gatz frowned at that. He really was wasting the Order's time and resources.

"I'll ask Valery not to disturb Jedi Council members next time. Seems a bit of a waste to pull one of you away from your duties for me."

 

[Amani Serys]

Amani frowned the more Gatz spoke. Every time he made a step forward, he took two steps back, berating himself and inviting upon his own failure. Finally she placed a hand on his shoulder, and sighed exasperatedly, "Gatz," She said, "Stop with the deprecation. It won't get you anywhere."

"Our time here was not a waste, teaching others is part of my duties. And the Jedi welcome anyone willing to learn and better themselves. Former Sith have found themselves among the ranks of the Order, I hardly think your presence will raise many eyebrows." She stepped back and grabbed her things, heading for the door, "In any case, if you're not comfortable visiting the temple right away, there are always other places you can learn and help, like I said."

"Be well, Gatz. Keep practicing." Amani nodded, then turned away, "Until we meet again."

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons:
Tag: Amani Serys

The hand on his shoulder shook Gatz from his self-inflicted brooding. It wasn't that he thought Master Serys-Organa was wrong. He knew that beating himself down wasn't a productive way to accomplish anything. But it was hard to feel like he deserved anything good in life, after the way he'd lived for over half a decade. It was hard to believe in his own ability to be anything other than scum.

He wasn't scum anymore. He did know that. Some days, though, it was hard to shake that mindset. Gatz supposed, then, that it was a good thing he had people around to remind him that he was more.

"I—" But Gatz didn't really know how to respond to that, so instead he settled on, "thank you."

As the Chief Healer set out to leave, she said something that stuck with him: that if former Sith could be redeemed, and welcomed by the Order, then why would anyone have issue with him? It was a perspective that he'd heard before, from Valery even. He'd dismissed the idea then. But... Gatz couldn't bring himself to dismiss it now. The prospect of returning had been on his mind for months now.

Why stay secluded on New Cov, pretending at being a Padawan, when he could rejoin the Order proper? His trauma? That was an excuse, not a reason. Maybe... maybe it was time to give it another go. Maybe no one would want to teach him. Maybe he'd fail. Maybe he'd be the worst excuse for a Jedi that the Order had ever seen.

Maybe it was still worth trying anyways.

"May the Force be with you, Master," Gatz bowed his head respectfully, "I hope we see each other again."