Private Quiet is the Tiger's Home

[Jonyna Si]

​

Jonyna frowned slightly. "People keep telling me that like it's supposed to convince me to find a new way to live. Like the path of being the right thing, of being a good person, isn't the right one. I hate that. This idea that putting yourself out there and being selfless is...wrong. Why? Why tell people that? In my culture, Cathar see that as being the a natural part of being a hunter. To put yourself aside and offer the tribe their next meal. Is that not how the jedi see it?"

Tag: Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

"Being a good person is a good thing, Jonyna. But being a hero like your people worship, letting that be the expectation you want to live up to, that's not. A Jedi does not seek to be a good person because of the expectations or beliefs of others. They just are. And more often than not, we fail at it. We're not heroes, we're people with a bond to the Force that can make us seem super human and unnatural to those outside our lives. But we are not special. We're not super heroes or great hunters or emperors and empresses. We're people, first and foremost."

He raised a brow as he glanced towards her again.

"Do you not understand what's actually wrong with that? With letting yourself live in the shadows of others simply because of the beliefs of your culture? That you have to be a hero to them?"

Jonyna Si

 

[Jonyna Si]

​

"I don't have to be anything. But I want to be a hero. Not because my culture dictates it, but because I believe it's the right thing to do, for me. Because the galaxy needs it. People need hope, need idols. You're so insistent that we don't have to be, but I don't believe that. When I was scared, running for my life, all that kept me going was the hope, the faith, that one day, I'd find a jedi to train me. That I'd find a place where the jedi still survived, and that I could become like them." She let out a huff, rolling her eyes. "The more I learned, the less I liked them, to be honest. I said I wanted to make my own order, and part of that was because I truly believe that the jedi should be held to that standard. If we're going to be going around, fighting the good fight against the Sith, The Empire, the Mandos, then we should have a higher standard of morals, yeah? Like, come on. We're the ones waving around the funky laser swords calling ourselves knights and masters. That should have some sort of meaning behind it to the public. A weight of responsibility that we'll protect them when things get bad. I believe that. Do you not?"

Tag: Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

"I believe that for the people of this galaxy, the Jedi are a symbol. But I also believe that you are a person. That all the Jedi are. The people can look at us and believe what they want, and we will do what we must as Jedi. But you don't understand. There's no reason to go back and forth like this until you do, but I can't show you something you refuse to see."

Jonyna Si

 

[Jonyna Si]

​

Jonyna stared at the master for a good long while. In a lot of ways, he reminded her of Giran. Someone so strong in belief. Yet, now the roles were flipped. She was on the backfoot, an underling that had to prove her worth to him.

Jonyna had always disliked authority. She used to joke that if she had become a jedi, the masters would've hated her. Maybe it was her preternatural belief that those in power must be held accountable. Maybe it was years of dealing with the Empire, maybe she was just a brat.

Either way, she knew in this moment, she couldn't find anything to say.

"...then we're done here." She finally said, letting out a sigh. "Nothing more to say. If you believe I'm wrong, then you'll never see me as worthy of the title of Master." She looked around, her tail flicking in annoyance. "Dice, how far are we from Ryloth?"

<Two minutes till Hyperspace Exit.>

"...cool." She frowned, crossing her legs as she looked to Kahlil Noble "I'll show you Sylvar's tomb, then we can be done. Thanks for coming, I guess..." It was clear to the master, this hadn't gone how she hoped it would. Deep down, she did want to find common ground with the master, but his belief, his truth, she couldn't accept it.

The jedi, to her, were more than just people. They had to be held to a higher standard, a standard that she felt was worthy of the title. To her, the jedi weren't just monks and defenders. They were myth. A group that held back the darkness, and fought for peace. If she was to find her place in the galaxy, she'd need to come to terms with the reality versus the myth...

 

[Kahlil Noble]

"We can be done with the discussion, but there's other things we can talk about you know. I don't think you realize that I'm not the one that will stop you from being a Master." He watched her silence. Watched how she sat, what she seemed to be thinking of. "You're not wrong, Jonyna. We Jedi are heroes to the people outside our order. But we're not heroes because we want people to see us as that, but because it's just the right thing to do. You are a person first. You have far more value than being some hero who's life is forfeit."

He ended up saying more anyway, which brought a frown to his face.

".. Just focus on finding yourself, without the Jedi or the Cathar. They help define who you are, but they are not everything. It'll make more sense once you do."

Jonyna Si

 

[Jonyna Si]

​

It was clear Jonyna was getting very annoyed and uncomfortable. Her fur stood up, she kept shifting positions, and at one point she stood up and started pacing. "Before the Empire, before everything went to chit, I made a promise to my mother. That I'd be the jedi she wished she could've been. To me, being a hero is who I am. It's what let me sleep at night when all I had was the floor of a transport ship I had snuck into to rest in. It's what kept me going when I knew the jedi weren't going to save us. I had to be the one to save everyone, and I was happy with that. I was happy to be the one to save the galaxy when the time came. You talk like I have to put that aside. I can't. That's who I am. I wanna be the hero. I wanna go out, and fight evil and laugh in it's face, then go home and dance to old music and watch Bucky Stardust. Then do it all over again. That's Jonyna."

Tag: Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

Kahlil smiled softly after a moment as he watched her. He could see it. The discomfort was obvious, but why was it so uncomfortable? "I had to be the one to stop my father. It was my duty, my obligation. The Jedi who found me made that much clear." A Zambrano was gifted in the Force, no matter how ironic that might seem given his family's line of Sith.

"If you want to grow as a Jedi, you have to put that aside. You have to learn who you are without being a Jedi, to best be a Jedi. It sounds wrong, and I know it makes you uncomfortable, but that's why it's important."

There was so much more he could say, but he wouldn't. It wouldn't help her if he told her every reason behind it. There were some she had to learn for herself, and hopefully before the actual problem came up. The Jedi from her time, their Order, they weren't right. Being a Jedi was all they were. there was no love, no attachment, everything for the Order.

They forgot they were people. And they died like anyone would.

"Do you have caf in your kitchen?"

Jonyna Si

 

[Jonyna Si]

​

"Yeah, it's right next to the spices..." She said, as the ship's intercom came to life.

<Exiting hyperspace momentarily! Please make sure you are steady.>

Jonyna just stood still, clearly deep in thought. She had never considered anything other than being the hero. To be free of that, it would be like being a completely different person. To throw away morality, to throw away the internal duty she held herself up to. The expectation of doing the right thing when things got bad.

She couldn't. She wouldn't.

Tag: Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

Kahlil got up, walked over towards the kitchen to make some caf. For them both, though he wasn't certain that she would actually drink it herself. It didn't matter too much, he just wanted to keep himself busy and not just sitting there while she was still clearly uncomfortable. "I'm not telling you to stop being a good person, Jonyna. There are people everywhere, every day, who are heroes. Countless more than Jedi. If being a hero was all it took to be one, wouldn't there be countless more?"

Jonyna Si

 

[Jonyna Si]

​

"Yeah, but shouldn't it be a requirement at least?" Jonyna argued, still trying to organize the thoughts in her head as she paced. This was her first time returning to Slyvar's tomb, and yet she felt more insecure now than she was when she first uncovered it with her group. "To be a jedi, it should require one to be willing to make hard choices. To put themselves in the line of fire in protection of others. I hate to be that girl, but I've seen the latest generation of padawans. They're young, brash, and full of pacifists. And yet, when the Mandos start moving again, or the sith start making moves, or Sylvar forbid the Empire, I'm not sure they'll be ready for that reality. To be heroes. That's what I've been trying to prep Ko and Rayia for..."

Tag: Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

"So you expect your padawans to risk life and limb for others before themselves, even though they are still learning themselves? That they are still children, to sacrifice everything about themselves because that's what it means to be a Jedi?" Kahlil glanced to Jonyna, but this time he wasn't smiling.

"It is my duty as a master to sacrifice everything for you, your Padawan's, strangers on the street. That is my burden, my task, and the task and burden for every other Jedi Master. But that is not, and never will be, the burden of the children of our order. We are here to ensure they learn and grow as safely as they can. You needn't tell me how difficult this galaxy can be, either."

He rolled up his sleeves. Near the top, just near his shoulders, were jagged scars. Some smoother than others, but rings that abruptly stopped at another perfect line across them.

"Would you rather we teach them as I was taught by my father? We've the technology now to reproduce limbs lost in live lightsaber practice. Perhaps we can burn them, as the Jedi Order of old used to require so a Jedi would learn to let go of their fear of pain?"

Jonyna Si

 

[Jonyna Si]

​

Jonyna practically snarled back. This was an offense taken. "That's not what I meant. If the time comes where they are in a position to fight for someone else, I'm not gonna fault Ko or Rayia for running from it. But I do expect them to learn to be prepared when it becomes their turn to take up arms. Being a jedi should be able preparing you for that responsibility. And with the Mandos now raiding our planets, the time is up for a lot of them. I saw Hilal, that same shellhead who was more than happy to fight us on Cathar, back on Ukatis. She tried to kill both of my padawans without a second thought. I did my damndest to keep her occupied while they kept their distance, but I couldn't have stopped them if they charged in to help me, which they did. What I mean, what I preach, is that if the padawans of this age are going to be fighting alongside their masters, then they should be just as ready to take that fight to the enemy as a knight or a master should before they see the battlefield. I wasn't ready. I had to learn the hard way, and I don't want either of my padawans to go through what I did. But I expect them to hold their own, and learn to be better if they can't. And if they can't, then I wouldn't want them calling themselves jedi."

Jonyna pulled up her shirt, revealing her own scars. A blaster bolt through the stomach, a slash across the abs from a saber, stuff that would normally kill someone. "You wanna talk scars? I've been to hell and back, I know what that's like. What I worry about, what keeps me up at night, is that these kids are gonna go out, get themselves killed, and we're gonna pay for it with our own minds. I've lost friends. Not just through 900 years of ice, but in the battlefield. Because they decided to be a hero when they weren't ready. I've seen what happens when you fight without training. I've seen Stormtroopers gun down entire towns because they decided to try and rise up. One mistake. That's all it takes for you to be a corpse on some planet you never heard of before the day before, rotting in the open air because your enemy doesn't give a shit about honoring you with a gravestone. But I put on a smile because if we lose hope, if we give up our will to fight, then that's a bigger loss than any one life could ever be. When I was growing up, the word 'Jedi' gave me hope. And when I spent 20 years calling myself one in spite of the Empire trying it's hardest to kill me, I did that because I knew I could inspire others. That's what a jedi should be. A symbol of hope, of someone who is willing to lay down their life for the greater good, and win the day in spite of that danger. I'm not asking these kids to go through grueling training like this is some fucked up spec ops unit, but I am saying that they need to understand that this is what they signed up for. That being a jedi is more than just being handed a lightsaber and calling yourself a hero. No, it's about following through on that empty promise to the rest of the galaxy."

Tag: Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

"You said it yourself. Being a Jedi is more than picking up a lightsaber and calling yourself a hero."

Kahlil shook his head as he looked back to the caf he was making. "You lived with friends for the longest time. People you could trust to save you when you had those scars. My sister killed me when I was five. My only friend stabbed me in the back when I was six. My father marked me not as one of his children, but an empty jar for his soul to fill if he needed a new host. And I was one of the lucky ones of my siblings before he slaughtered almost all of them for being a disappointment. I know what you went through, Jonyna. I haven't been telling you that Jedi aren't heroes."

He paused for a moment. Tiredness washed over him. Just pure tiredness. "I just want you to see that you can have a life now that isn't that fear. That your padawans can stay kids for longer than you had a chance to be. That you can be a person too. It is our nature that we'll be the first to throw ourselves in the fire, but it's also alright for you to be selfish. You don't have to be a perfect hero, a perfect Jedi. So stop being a Jedi, if only long enough to find who you are."

If she was anything like him, which she very much seemed to be, she'd likely realize that she was a Jedi regardless. That's what this was about. She would find herself outside the Jedi and realize that this hero she felt she had to be was just who she was anyway.

Jonyna Si

 

[Jonyna Si]

​

Jonyna stared for a moment, before grumbling. "Let's just get to Sylvar's tomb. Clearly I have a lot to think about..."

She did. She didn't like admitting she was wrong. It was one of her biggest faults, as she liked to project a sense that she was always in control. Never on the backfoot. To be a hero, that's what she believed you needed to be. No one is inspired by someone without a sense of control. Heroes are those who take their life by the neck and drag it towards the direction they want, not wallow in anxiety.

But now she was left with a thought. An idea.

Get a life.

---

Finally, The Reaper came out of hyperspace, the sight of Ryloth coming into view.

<Calculating landing trajectory, prepare for atmospheric entry!>

"Come on." Jonyna stood up, walking to the hall that lined the ship. "We'll need to get buckled up in the bridge for this part."

Tag: Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

"Alright."

Kahlil didn't hesitate to sit down and strap in as he said. Calmly, at that. He'd chosen to be silent as she had, just sipping at his caf and more or less meditating, to avoid the awkward silence at least.

"Is she alone here?"

Jonyna Si

 

[Jonyna Si]

​

"She wasn't when we found her." Jonyna said as they hit the atmosphere, the astromech flying the ship beeping in binary.

<I was tasked by my Master to assist in the training of Knight Si here! At the time, I calculated only a 36 percent chance at her success in training to become a jedi master! I have been pleasantly surprised in her progress!>

Moment later, the barren wasteland showed, Ryloth. Old ruins littered the surface, one Jonyna seemed to spot. "...that's Teemo's old place. We should be able to land there and track Sylvar's tomb from there..."

Tag: Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

Ryloth, again.

Kahlil took a deep breath as he glanced over the surface. They were in rather dangerous situation by simply being here. The Mandalorians were very open about their war with the Alliance and the Jedi. They had a bad habit of constantly going where they shouldn't, so far from what he'd seen.

"So long as we're careful, I imagine. Do you know why she came here, rather than stay home on Cathar?"

Jonyna Si

 

[Jonyna Si]

​

As they landed, Jonyna sat up and walked back into the hallway. "From what she told me, she believed that laying her body to rest on Cathar would only make it a target should the Sith ever come back. To her Ryloth was somewhere where she...found herself. As a Jedi, I mean. She helped free an enslaved twi'lek population here once, and believed that, in that act, she found what she wanted to be when she died. A hero to the people, to the downtrotten. Not a Cathar Warrior, nor a war hero."

Jonyna knew the risk of coming here. It was entirely possible some mando would jump them. Lucky for her, rather than going down the latter to the normal exit to the ship, she climbed up, motioning Kahlil to follow her.

Tag: Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

"She found that she just wanted to help people."

Perhaps, in time, Jonyna would understand it. Perhaps sooner than she might realize given who they were here to visit, actually. He smiled softly. Ths trip was a better idea than she might've realized.

"Let us go pay our respects."

Jonyna Si