Private Squatters' Rights

[Ishani Dinn]

He didn’t know.

She tried to take a strange sort of comfort in that uncertainty, but it was no use. There was no comfort to be found in not knowing whether he would be taken from her again.

The rest of what he said made it worse. Hearing him call her love again, something that should’ve made her heart sing, felt like he was hammering a nail into her coffin instead. He didn’t think he deserved her, or something along those lines. Or at least, he didn’t want to hurt her again. To keep hurting her, over and over, due to something out of his control.

She put her sandwich back, climbed into his lap, and kissed him. It didn’t matter that his lips were dry and cracking. She had wanted to kiss him ever since he walked through the door.

“I heard your story,” she said softly. “Now listen to mine. After I left Korriban, I found out I was pregnant. I had twins, a boy and a girl with the most beautiful red hair. I wanted them, and I wanted you, but I needed to take care of them. So I did what I had to. I went home, I reconciled with my parents. And by simply doing what I was told, I wound up here. But this isn’t what I wanted.”

She stroked his temples, her fingers tangling in his hair. “If you get taken back into the Nether, I’d like to follow you. But I know I can’t, because I chose the kids over you. And I can’t regret that.” Her eyes were growing wet, and it was harder to talk. “I love you, Arc. In this world or the next. But I don't think I can take another separation. So if there’s any hope that we can stop you from being taken, any way to find out what’s causing it and put a stop to it before it happens again…”

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

Her response was not what he had been expecting. Quite the opposite, in fact. He quickly found her within his lap, her lips upon his. For a moment he allowed everything else to fade away, to squish them back in time to when things weren't so complicated. He kissed her back, deep and passionately, and held her against him until she saw fit to pull back.​

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That was when reality hit him once more. And as he listened he felt his heart crack; already the process of mourning her all over again had begun.​

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Twins, she said. Redhaired twins. He knew what that meant, but he couldn't fully comprehend it. There had to be a mistake. How could it have happened... He thought back to before the Nether, but it was such a haze. He knew they'd been intimate, but he thought they'd been safe. Thought it had only been the once... Had it been more than that?​

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Force he hated the haze.​

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Either way his expression crumpled even as hers seemed to gain hope. Even as she cried, and explained that she'd make it work, that they'd find a way to stop it if they could. But Arcturus' mind was no longer focused on the impromptu trips to the Nether which might exist within his future. No, that was far from the biggest issue at hand.​

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Twins.​

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Children.​

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Arcturus' stomach twisted uncomfortably with the news. "No." That was all he said at first, his voice oddly forceful for the first time in a long time. Careful as he could he slipped out from under her, and tried to stand if she'd allow it. He could barely hear anything over the hollow thudding of his heartbeat in his ears. It was as though a siren had gone off within his mind, demanding his attention.​

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"I won't do it" he finally stated, turning back to face her unflinchingly. "I will not sour them with my presence, Ishani. Toxic... I'm contagious! I won't have them raised to think that being what I am is okay. Some sort of path they're okay to follow. No. No, no..." He shook his head firmly, in fact it seemed as though most of him was shaking in that moment as an unexpected fire burned within him. A protective nature taking over that felt threefold even to how he'd been with her, when she was his.​

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"They don't have a father. Tell them I'm dead, if they ask when they're older. Tell them anything other than the truth." He realized how it must have looked, how it must have sounded. He realized how irrational he was being, but he meant every word of it. Not because he didn't want them, not because the idea of nurturing something so small and innocent wasn't appealing to him, quite the opposite.​

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He wanted what was best for them. And for her. And hearing of their existence was just a flagrant slap in the face reminder of every single negative trait he held.​

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Arcturus hadn't realized he was crying until droplets fell and splashed upon his boots. There had been hope for a little while, temptation deep within that he could make this all work out. That maybe she'd just join him, and then things would go back to the way they were. Senate be damned. But all that hope had shattered, leaving him feeling... hollow. He felt empty.​

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"I'll help you how I can. I'll send money, support you from the shadows. Put away for their college funds. But I can't be here, Ishani. I won't."​

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Ishani Dinn​

 

[Ishani Dinn]

Oh, they’d been intimate all right. In the Leviathan and at the Academy, they had slept in the same bed. For an entire year, it seemed, they had never spent a night apart. Yet it had always been safe… except for the night after they took Folende. At least, she assumed so—she couldn’t remember much beyond taking the bottle of liquor she had discovered stashed in his ship and suggesting they drink to the occasion. Everything after that was a blur.

So when the first word out of his mouth was “No,” she was disappointed, but ready to argue. But then he pushed her off him and stood up, and she immediately sensed something far more volatile was bubbling up within him than mere denial of paternity.

Wide-eyed, she lay sprawled on the couch as he flew into… if not a rage, then something similar. The source of his anguish wasn’t the children themselves—if anything, the words coming out of his mouth proved that he already loved them. It was himself. Arcturus had always danced with self-loathing, even back in their Academy days, but this was the worst iteration of it yet. It would be comforting to dismiss it as him just trying to get out of being a parent by claiming he wasn’t good enough. But she knew better.

“You idiot,” she spat out through tears. “You stupid bastard. You really believe all that? That you’re ‘toxic’ and ‘contagious’ and you’ll ruin their lives? Oh Force… are you even a Sith anymore? What is so bad about you, savior of younglings and merciful to Jedi?”

She felt like he was ripping her in half, and yet she had never loved him more than she did now. It was terrible and beautiful and she was never, ever going to recover from it all. There would be no coming to terms with this loss.

She staggered to her feet and tried to embrace him, half afraid he’d recoil from her touch.

“I’m sorry. I knew this was going to be hard. I never meant to… lay all this on you. But… if there is even the slightest chance… I want to take it.”

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

She bit back with a response of her own, through tears of her own, after sitting there and just taking all he'd had to say. He owed her the same respect, he knew, he owed it to her to listen to all she had to say before interrupting. But he couldn't. He just couldn't. ​

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When she asked if he was even a Sith anymore he interjected. "That isn't the point Ishani. Sith is just a damn title, a vanity project." She was trying to downplay it, but the good he had done did not outweigh the bad. No matter how much he'd tried to justify the opposite with Kai Bamarri he knew that nothing could eclipse his tarnished soul.​

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Silence waged between them, as she staggered to her feet. Instinct bade him to reach out and catch her when it looked as though she might fall, but she steadied herself and that left him with one hand outstretched toward her. He pulled it back to his side as quick as he could, he didn't want to confuse her any further than he already had by simply being here.​

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He didn't immediately pull back when she embraced him. Heck, he needed something of that comfort himself. Craved her touch like nothing else. It was all just a tease though, wasn't it? Unfair to either of them. Despite that he buried his face in the shawl covering her hair. Force, he wished it was her hair. Wanted to rip the damn thing off and get a proper look at her. Not with the revelation hanging over them though.​

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"Corruption... Doesn't just leave you, Ishani. Because you don't want to subject others to this fate. Because you're not as bad as the next Sith... You barely dipped your toes in what the darkside has to offer. It's taken pieces of me, Rhi..." A slip of his tongue, to the name he'd always secretly wanted to use with her. Her true name. Rhiannon... He'd never been able to make it a thing, even though he'd been sitting on that piece of information for the longest time. She hadn't wanted anyone to know, to the Galaxy she was Ishani.​

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But he'd known.​

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Maybe in a way he wanted her to know that.​

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As gently as he could he pulled back from her. His expression betrayed the hurt he felt at the tiny amount of physical distance he'd just put between them. Crumpled and broken, but stalwart in his decision.​

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"I'm not as whole as I once was. And that's not changing. So no... There's no way to make this work." He swallowed, both hands settling on each of her shoulders. Eyes fixed upon hers, memorizing her face as though it was the last he'd see of it. He felt certain his heart just stopped in that moment. Ceased its incessant beating. He wanted to say something more. The girl before him held his heart, and she always would. That wasn't going to change.​

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But he couldn't express that. He wouldn't put that burden on her. No, Arcturus Thesh wanted her to move on. To find someone who could love her and the children the way that they deserved. To make something of her life, until the name Arcturus stirred up little more than the faintest of memories relating to the one time she had been enrolled in some strange cult-like academy in her youth.​

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Hands fell away from her shoulders. The intensity of his gaze waned. A barrier rose up within him, and his face became stoic. Almost apathetic.​

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"Soar, Ishani. The Galaxy will be all the better for it."​

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Should she permit it, he then turned to leave.​

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Ishani Dinn ​

 

[Ishani Dinn]

It actually was her hair that he buried his face in, a mane of sweet-smelling golden blonde locks. Once her hair had grown back, she’d taken to going bareheaded more often, abandoning the veil of the Mystic.

"Corruption... Doesn't just leave you, Ishani. Because you don't want to subject others to this fate. Because you're not as bad as the next Sith... You barely dipped your toes in what the darkside has to offer. It's taken pieces of me, Rhi..."

“Oh yeah. Enlighten me, Arcturus. What atrocities have you committed lately?” No doubt her retort fell on deaf ears. Arcturus was convinced he was right.

Wait a minute.

Had he almost called her Rhiannon?

Force, he just had to make this infinitely harder, didn’t he?

He pronounced their little romance doomed. There’s no way to make this work. His words struck her like a shockwave, or the stab of a knife. It was more painful than being baptized in acid, more of a torment than being tortured by Maliphant with visions of her worst fears.

Then he told her to soar, right after he cut off her wings.

She seized his wrist. “Wait.” It was a choked gasp of a word. “Not yet. Just… give me the night. I won’t try to convince you to stay longer, but… One night. Just one more night. Please?”

It sounded pathetic, and she knew it. But she couldn’t bear this cold anticlimax, couldn’t stand for her last memory of him to be this moment.

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

Deaf ears? Not quite. But Arcturus didn't really want to bring to light some of the things he'd done in the name of survival. Some of the things which kept him up at night. This, he realized, would be added to that pile. But he'd shoulder it. Take on as much of the pain it caused as he could. Part of him wished he could take on it all, erase her mind of all memories of him.​

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It might have been the kinder thing to do. Perhaps it was selfish of him to not even attempt it. It was possible, after all. It had been done before... Heck, it had been done to him.​

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Maybe that was why he stayed his hand on that particular plan. Maybe he just didn't want her to forget... To live with the pain of missing time.​

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He wanted to leave, but her hand caught his wrist; he wanted to deny her touch, to pull back and walk right on out the door. She pleaded with him to wait. Pleaded that they not leave things this way.​

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"Is that actually what you want?" he asked, tone still a little cold. He wouldn't allow himself to be hopeful, if anything he wanted to deter her. "Will one more night ever be enough? Or will it leave you wanting another? And another?" Not just her, him too. He couldn't voice it though. If he did she'd call his bluff. If he did she'd know he wasn't as strong as he was pretending to be. That he could be chipped away at.​

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He had turned to peer at her during his speech. His eyes softened just a touch at how pitiful she appeared.​

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"Current you isn't being very fair to future you, Ish..-- ..ani." He couldn't keep toying with her, using pet names and the like. It wasn't right.​

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One night. Force, what he'd give for one last night. But that night would haunt them for the rest of eternity, more so than this would he reckoned. A clean break... A clean break was best.​

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So why was it so difficult to get his feet to walk to the door?​

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Ishani Dinn​

 

[Ishani Dinn]

"Is that actually what you want?"

She clasped his shoulder with her other hand. "Yes."

"Will one more night ever be enough? Or will it leave you wanting another? And another?"

"Yes." She took a step closer. "But I'm going to want more either way. I'm always going to want more of you. And you will too, or else you'd have already walked away."

"Current you isn't being very fair to future you, Ish--"

She silenced him with a kiss.

Moments later, the comm started ringing. "Oh damn it all," she muttered, hurrying over to her desk. Before she pressed the button, she pointed to Arc and sternly mouthed the words don't move. "Hello?"

"Your scheduled meeting with—"

"Cancel it. Cancel all meetings for the rest of the day. Tell them I'm sick. I'm toxic and contagious."

"Yes, Sena—"

She hung up and raced back to Arc, throwing her arms around him. "Well, now that I've committed a diplomatic blunder, you better make it worth my while."

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

She'd caught him, hook line and sinker. He floundered like a fish too. He would have walked away, wouldn't he? Force damn it, it wasn't enough to simply seem apathetic, he had to be apathetic to sell the whole look.​

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Her other hand was on him now, grasping his shoulder. Though she never actually held him in place in a way she kept him rooted there all the same. He could have broken free so easily. He wanted to break free.​

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Did he though?​

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Yes.​

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But he didn't.​

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So maybe he didn't.​

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She kissed him, and there were definitely sparks. Try as he might to squash it all down he couldn't deny that connection which had been present since their first interaction. If anything it had intensified. His own body betrayed him.​

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He kissed her back, against his better judgement. He shouldn't have. He should stop. It wasn't fair.​

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A comm call threw it all into disarray, and he took the moment to take a few steps back. Ishani's sternly mouthed words halted him even if only a little... He still inched back a bit though. She was throwing in the towel for the day, and Arcturus felt as though that perfectly demonstrated every point he had made better than he could.​

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Even if she threw his words back at him in the process. That stung.​

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Call ended, he shook his head once more.​

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"This is what I mean," he said, voice breaking into something of a whine as he struggled to get his point across. "Ish, I'm no good for you. I've been here five minutes and you're already shirking duties... Please, don't you see?"​

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But her arms were already around him. She'd made up her mind.​

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One night, that was all she was asking for.​

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He couldn't know if one night would actually mean one night though. And what of the children? Who would be with them while they were acting like lovesick kids themselves? He cursed himself for his rational brain, then immediately made the mistake of catching her eye...​

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Kark it. One night... One night couldn't hurt... Tomorrow he'd put his foot down. Tomorrow he would leave, unceremoniously if he could help it. Gone before she awoke.​

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That was the plan.​

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He sealed his decision with a kiss.​

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Ishani Dinn ​

 

[Ishani Dinn]

Arcturus Thesh was a man of his word. He'd made no promises to her that he'd broken, even in his absence, and she was painfully reminded of the fact that no oaths bound them together. She didn't want to be an obligation, yet some part of her that was selfish and manipulative and loved him far too much wished she was, if only so that she could use it to rein him in.

He wanted to stay. She could feel it in him. But she knew he wouldn't stay longer than the promised night, so she had to act quickly, while she was still awake and he was still with her.

Eventually he fell asleep, and she quietly slipped away, a yellow-haired silhouette in the artificial glow of Coruscant's night-lights. In a drawer, there were some labeled vials. She took a large one labeled "Echo", picked his discarded clothes up from the floor, and slid the vial into the most intact pocket. Retrieving a small piece of paper, she scribbled a note:

Don't forget.
- Ish

The note went into the same pocket. Once that was done, she crept back to him. The whole interruption had occurred over so short a time he hardly had a chance to stir. Though when she slid in next to him, he was quick to meld his body against hers again, whether instinctively or because her movements had awakened him. She closed her eyes, savoring his warmth, knowing she'd wake up cold in the morning.

Arcturus Dinn​