Teach Me To Live; Give Me The Strength To Try

[Connor Harrison]

She pulled back, and Connor saw that girl from the junkyard – not all, just a glimmer; the fight in her.

"I know that, I was just trying to explain. The problem is I don’t know how to live, because I spent so much time living in pain and anger, it didn’t appeal to me – I had to carry on with the only thing I knew I was good at; confrontation and attack.”

His hand wiped over his beard as he contemplated.

"You don’t understand really, do you. People like me can live and serve the good of the galaxy. The Grandmaster does it with his wife, he even has children and a family home. But, then, I admit I don’t see him out there very much except in debates and lectures. I’m one of the oldest founding Silver Jedi and it’s my life to keep it going, to guide the others. Even though sometimes I don’t want to, I think it’s because I’ve nothing else to live for that I can’t NOT do it. I can tolerate the pain and the suffering. I’m the expendable one, and I’m ok with that."

He smiled at her, cupping her hand.

"Honestly. I have to be that person, to protect those I care about, like you. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you. If I can try and protect you and know a system is safer because of something I’ve done, like you said, if you can sleep peacefully at night, then I’m ok with that."

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

She looked away from him when he told her that she didn't understand.

Truth be told, she understood a lot more than she let on... She just didn't agree with it. She kept quiet, though, and just listened as he explained his stance. His words did not contradict her own, yet they were spoken as if he had intended them to be.

Her hand tightened in his grip when he cupped it, and with a heavy sigh she shook her head.

"So they're allowed to live, not just serve, but you're going to make a martyr of yourself? Everyone else can be happy, but not Connor?"

She clenched her jaw, and exhaled through her nose.

"Well I won't accept that. I won't."

Her eyes lifted and bore holes in his very soul. She reached out toward him and delicately traced her fingers down the side of his cheek, barely touching him at all. Her expression softened in that moment, studious yet saddened.

"Let go, Connor. This isn't all you were meant to be. You're allowed more, even if you wish to continue the fight. Let yourself have more."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

With a wince, Connor pulled back a little from her touch and shook his head.

"Stop saying it isn’t me, because it is! Sorry, but my whole life has been this so it’s not going to change now. I’ve had a really dangerous period recently just pass me by and that’s what I...what I need to let go of, it’s not what I do it’s just how I do….oh I don’t know.”

He blew out a breath and rubbed his temples.

"I’m not mad or anything but, I can’t…I am really struggling to be this new person you want me to be, it’s not natural to me. I can’t let people in. I don’t know what to do. It’s strange,” he talked very calmly, as if to a professional, "but the more I try to relax or be rational the more hurt I find inside. Something isn’t sitting with me. I think I’ve lost too much before so now I refuse to accept anything again.”

His eyes jumped to hers.

"Does that make sense? It doesn’t, does it.”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Her hand fell to her side; lips pursed, eyes set on his for just a moment before looking away with a scoff.

She rose from the bed, pulling back from him as she shook her head. "Don't you dare twist my words."

Her breathing became heavy, pulse quickening.

"Not once did I just say it wasn't you. All I said was that you could be more than you allow yourself to be. Like you keep saying to me!"

Ugh he was such a hypocrite!

"If you're happy with the way things are, which you're clearly not but if you are, then so be it. But I know that you're not. Yet you resist every attempt I make to help. So I won't press myself on your business any longer.If you need me, I'll be here. I'm not going anywhere. But I'll stop presuming to give you advice."

She ran her hand through her hair, distressed herself but not letting it become about her.

"Enjoy your rest."

With that she turned for the door. Typical Kyra, fight or flight always resulted in the latter. She didn't want to add to his misery, she didn't want to be another Corvus in his history. Best she get some space between them before things blew out of proportion again.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

He recoiled his head gently – another situation exploding like Starkiller Base…or so legend said.

Watching he turn and go, he chewed his tongue and sighed. Chuckling at the frustration of it all, but knowing they would be ok, he gave a salute to her she wouldn’t see and took a mouthful of water, sucking it through his teeth.

Then, he laid back and placed his arm under his head and stared at the ceiling.

He was afraid of commitment.

So many people came into his life, and then left, for either they were hurt by him or his duty. Not lovers, no, because he had only had one – but even just friends suffered because of him. Darkness followed him, and people were caught up in it.

But, Connor wanted to be a different person than he had been. He didn’t want to let the darkness win all the time. If he was ready for it, and in a better mental state to repel it and understand it from afar, it wouldn’t get so close to hurt anyone, would it?

So much still had to be sorted on Voss, he just wanted to sneak away and get it all tied up, but he wasn’t going to run. He wanted time to think with a clear head and nobody calling him to meet a new arrival on the landing pad or to teach a Youngling how to duel.

His chest rose and rose with one of those big breaths that escaped his lips like a deflating balloon.

What a mess.

Not the situation, but his head. What a mess indeed.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

She hated leaving him like that.

Oh did she hate doing that to him.

But she had to. For both of their sakes, she had to give them some room to breathe. She had promised him a chance to rest, and she would hold herself to that. Time to reflect, to think.

Stepping through the slim hall and out into the open living space, Kyra turned full circle before running her hand through her hair and growling to herself.

She was so stupid!

"Way to go, Kai, ruining things again."

Slinking through the room, she settled back down on the pillows they had slept upon and curled up there, staring down at Jakku. She could smell him on the fabric, which made her feel even worse.

Chewing her lip she pondered over the situation in its entirety. All she wanted was to help.

All she wanted was to soothe his mind, and give him a shot at happiness.

But she couldn't force it.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Inside, he was calm. Outside, he was thinking things like always.

He knew she’d be out there sighing, muttering and blaming herself and curled up somewhere. She’d also want him to come out and reassure her things were ok. They WERE ok. He didn’t and shouldn’t have to kee reassuring her – she wasn’t a child.

That child-like mind of hers was due to the horrors she’d seen and the naïve secluded life lived. It wasn’t her fault, of course, but Connor had to try to bring her out.

He closed his eyes for a few minutes. A distant ship roared overhead. He loved listening to the ships passing over, like he did on Voss, watching them come and go from the hangar.

"Get some dinner on in a minute if you’re hungry. I did say we need a nice meal,” he called out.

He smiled again.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

She could see Cratertown down below, the buzz of people who weaved in and out of one another with scavenged parts and ration packs. A stark contrast to the way she lived... But in many ways a reflection.

She could have, could be, so much more... Yet instead she had chosen to hide away here. Her home was beautiful, larger than necessary - in fact, she didn't really like the size of it at all - but she never saw it to its full potential. Yes it was clean, sharp, bright, and open... But it was filled with mostly the same things as the people down there had when you took away the filler that the architect insisted upon.

When you looked simply at Kyra's belongings.

It was all junk. Junk with potential, but junk all the same. And that was how she liked it.

The voice from the other room tore her attention away from the people and had her sighing to herself. Food? She could do that. Though she had nothing in. Besides, wasn't he supposed to be sleeping? Resting? Whatever.

She'd ruined that too.

Rising up from the pillows, she ran a hand down her face to try and erase some of the weariness.

"Clean up, then; we'll have to go out."

Attempt number two at a nice trip down to the cantina. Attempt number two at being out in public together without tensions rising.

This time, their hunger depended on it.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Kyra’s voice could be heard, even though it sounded a long way off, but Connor didn’t acknowledge. His head was turned, eyes closed, and he was drifting off to sleep.

- - - - - - - - - -​

It had only probably been less than an hour, he couldn’t be sure. Opening his eyes and stretching, he lazily turned and closed his eyes again. He was enjoying how it felt to be devoid of responsibilities for once, no real sense of urgency. A yawn escaped his lips and he forced himself to open his eyes…before they closed again.

He had a niggling feeling he better get up and see what Kyra was doing.

It was like dragging a sleeping Ronto off the bed as Connor forced himself up and onto his feet, on tip-toes as he stretched his body up again and walked out of the narrow passageway into the main living space of the home and kitchenette.

"You here?” he called.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

After going to wash and change, she popped her head into his room and saw him fast asleep. It made her somewhat happier to realize that he'd felt comfortable enough to rest, even with the way they'd - yet again - left things. She really did have to learn to stand and talk when things got tough. But it wasn't that easy...

While he rested, Kyra left the house and made her way down to Cratertown to fetch some supplies. She didn't feel so confident as to have them go out, and besides maybe it would be nice for him to wake up to dinner already having been made? She didn't know, but she hoped it would be the case.

So it was that by the time Connor awoke and stumbled into the living space dinner was already well on the way to being made. Stood over the oven, whistling some half-forgotten song to herself, Kyra barely heard or noticed him; in fact, she jumped in surprise when she turned to grab a spice from the rack.

Quickly her surprise was replaced with a small smile.

"Morning, Sunshine."

Half turning to the oven, half turned toward him, Kyra continued to pan-sear the meat, the smile remaining upon her lips.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Using the balls of his hands to wipe blurry eyes, Connor blinked a while to adjust to the crisp light coming in, as well as the smell of fresh food tickling his nose. He felt worse after a sleep like that, not really with it. Kyra banged around and forced him to adjust quickly when she welcomed him. He yawned, eyes watery.

"Dear me…..ohh….sorry…how long was I asleep? Hours?”

Perching on the edge of the side unit to the kitchenette, overlooking the living space and the large window, he noticed the television unit was on, bringing up news feeds and holo-displays of the goings on in the galaxy. He looked at is, not paying attention, and yawned again. He undid a top button on his navy shirt and brushed his hand over his brow.

"Going to freshen up in a bit, I feel like a space slug. How are you?”

He yawned again, like some pained Wookiee.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

He looked tired. Very tired. But, oddly content. She could live with that, and she hoped that he could too. Allowing the smile to remain upon her lips, Kyra shook her head.

"Not too long... Just an hour or so."

Long enough for her to calm down and give her head a shake, at the very least. She hoped he wouldn't hold her earlier temper flare against her.

Turning back to the stove as he settled down and began to relax again, Kyra turned the meat and heard a light sizzle of fat.

"There's a refresher just off your room, I'll have dinner ready for when you're out" she offered, "I'm fine; how do you feel after your rest?"

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

"Thank you, and I’m…good. I’m ok. Comfy bed I have to say.”

Leaning his head up to look over the workstations and into the pan, he nodded to himself at the meat sizzling away. He rubbed his lips together at the smell teasing his nose.

"I’ll freshen up first and then try your cooking. If it’s safe.”

He smiled to himself and looked around the place, before starting to walk off. And then stopped, tapping his fingers on the worktop before looking to Kyra.

"I’ll have to go to Voss soon and state your case if you want to come back with me. Or contact them at least.”

It wasn’t the end of the world, but she knew how she took things like this. Thinking he’d be running away from her when he wouldn’t be. Her mind was her own worst enemy at times.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

"Of course it's safe" she mock-grumbled, turning her nose up at him in indignation for a moment before smirking.

"I'm glad that the bed was suitable, in all seriousness. Take as much time as you need, this'll be done by the time you're out no doubt."

She kept her focus on the task at hand - cooking the meal - when he halted and began to inform her of further plans which were necessary before they could set off. Another road block, but not unmanageable.

"That's fine" she replied, forcing down her misgivings, "Whatever you need to do."

She only hoped that it wouldn't be another few months before he returned. It wasn't nice, having ones life on hold.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor had freshened up and become a bit more human, and taken it upon himself to head back to his ship behind the cliff-side home to check his open and private communication channel. The mighty craft was hidden under the sun-shield cover, and he sat in the cockpit, looking at the far reaching desert beyond the home as he listened.

Messages all on the private channel - Coci was sending out a communicae for the Shadows to follow up, and one from Taeli, sounding worse for wear, and one from a private Ranger scout division on activity outside Sanctum space.

Open channels had nothing.

He sat there for a while tapping his hands on the cockpit dash while he processed the information. His head hung for a second - personal and private conflicts always came between what he wanted to do and what he should do. He was getting nothing done here, as much as it was nice to be away. And if Kyra was ever going to leave the planet, she needed a reason to leave it.

He would make his way back in a few moments and inform her of his leaving in the next day. If those children were to sleep safe in their beds, he needed to act like the Master he was and fulfill the messages left for him in good faith.

Connor rose and swept his hand through his freshly washed hair, still damp, and set back for the home where he thought about how to tell her. Direct would be the best, and if she was upset, hopefully she'd understand the reasons why.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Time to plate it up.

Kyra let out a long sigh as she turned off the stove and turned - pan in hand - to the central counter which sat mid-kitchen. Her eyes scanned the room, picking up every little detail which had been formed at her request. She would miss this little piece of heaven, but she knew it was time to let it go.

Even if that meant leaving Jakku without Connor.

He had things to do, she knew, and it wasn't her place to keep him from his duties. Infact it would be wrong of her to do so. All she wanted was to see him happy, to lessen some of the struggle and tension he was facing.

Was that too much to ask?

With the food established on the plate - meat, veggies, some potatoes - Kyra walked over to the table and settled both dishes down. Then she waited for him to return.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

They ate in silence for the most part. Actually, Connor WAS too busy eating and enjoying the flavours and textures to think about talking, but it was a topic he didn’t want to bang on about too much because he knew it was a sensitive subject.

But maybe it would be the catalyst to help them both.

He rubbed his hands and took a breather.

"You know you can come with me if you want, or follow when you’re ready. You’ve got to be ready to take that chance.”

He looked over to her, noting she was playing with her food more than eating it.

"I just sadly know that the more I’m away, the more distant I’m becoming from them. I need to be distant, but when I choose to be. I need to ask myself some serious questions about that Order.”

Safe to say, the seeds of doubt had been planted about the Sanctum and his place within it. The only question was, it was all he’d ever known and was the biggest safety net he had to stop him falling into nothingness.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

She shook her head when he finally spoke.

"We agreed you needed time, for yourself, to find yourself. Rushing back there will do more harm than good, Connor."

This wasn't her being selfish. It wasn't Kyra trying to keep him here, quite the contrary she knew he had to leave Jakku just as she did. But she also knew that he wouldn't get anywhere by backtracking constantly.

"You're not ready to return to the Sanctum, and if you claim otherwise then you're only lying to yourself."

Her tone was oddly neutral, she wasn't speaking from an emotional or attached standpoint. Instead of moving her food across the plate, she actually began to eat after getting this off her chest.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Pursing his lips and resting his chin on his hand, Connor tapped his fingers on the table gently and looked past Kyra out to the home behind her.

"Mm. I guess.”

Maybe it was the heat. Maybe it was there was nothing much to do, and this place always seemed to be where emotions ran a little complicated. Kyra needed to get away, and Connor needed to get away.

His eyes darted to her, watching her eat.

"Let’s go somewhere. Other side of the galaxy. Not Sanctum space, but near. We’ll be safe there, so you don’t need to worry. Let’s get away from Jakku. Leave it, and start you somewhere fresh.”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

His sudden outburst may have been surprising had Kyra not been thinking the same. Jakku was wonderful, there was still plenty of it she hadn't seen, but it had grown stagnant for her, monotonous. She needed a break just as much as Connor did, only hers would be more permanent. Somewhere new, somewhere fresh.

That sounded appealing.

More appealing than anything else he could've said.

"You have to promise to set aside all work for at least a short while, though. You need time to be Connor, to unwind and refind yourself. Promise."

She mulled it over for a moment before setting down her knife and fork.

"I already have all of my things packed, just say when Connor."

[member="Connor Harrison"]