Pedantic Padawan
Neriamel's Chamber, Jedi Temple, Coruscant
The sobbing had helped, provided some release and relief, loosened the knot that had sat in Neriamel's chest. She remained motionless, sitting cross-legged on the floor of her tiny chamber, and made a point of not wiping her face with her robe. She could feel a slight tingle along the path that the tears had taken down her cheeks. Focusing her attention on these and other sensations in her body, she tried to meditate, to find a happy, or at least peaceful, place.
But time and again, the question cropped up in her mind: what was to happen now?
After several minutes, she admitted defeat and gave up. The question demanded obstinately to be thought about. Why fight it when she could simply do that and then have some peace.
Master Aruun had insisted that what had happened was not as if she had been rejected for knighthood, that it was not the same thing. But wasn't it really? Didn't this already mean she was judged to be unsuitable to be a Jedi?
She really didn't know how to go about finding a new teacher. She would think about this later - for now, to calm herself, it was going to be essential to map out the worse possibilities, to know what choices were available as a contingency, to have the full picture.
It was unthinkable to remain and simply work for the Order as a scientist or engineer or in its administration. She would never be able to be comfortable in this state of half-belonging. It made sense for those who were weak in the Force and knew that they could never had become a knight, but what was she to tell herself?
In the outside world, gifted people were often supposed to become scientists or engineers. It seemed to Neriamel to be a thankless task. These people were essentially archivists of technology, no matter what they told themselves about innovation. Life in the galaxy was constantly changing over time and place, but the range within which it was changing had essentially remained the same for hundreds if not thousands of years. Discoveries and inventions that truly, fundamentally changed existence were not forthcoming. The universe was like that. What people really needed was technicians more than engineers. And almost anyone could be a technician.
She could not go into politics or public service, it was impossible for a person without connections. She was probably, legally, still a Hapan citizen, but she had no ties to the planet. What influence the Jedi wielded was all in virtue of their belonging to the Order, or in some more remote places, the respect the locals had for educated warriors who could do what others couldn't. But she would have no hope of getting anywhere to do any good at all.
Going into business in some manner was a tenuous proposition, for a multitude of reasons, among them the fact that much of what was being made and sold seemed like unnecessary nonsense to her. There was a fundamental empathy gap here between herself and the people involved in such dealings, and to overcome it was simply a wasteful use of her time and talents. The only thing this could have lead to anything good was through money - and there were better ways to make more of that.
It seemed thinkable to go, for example, to Ralltiir and find work in its financial sector. It was a secret, but an imperfectly-kept one, that the Order possessed significant financial means and interests of varying provenance which required shrewd management. It might have been interesting work, but to amass influence and power on behalf of an organisation that would have essentially rejected her did not seem appealing. But if she were to do the same in a manner that could ultimately lead to her directing what the money did - that could be worthwhile. Most things you could do in the galaxy required either the ability to influence people, or a lot of money. And making money on Ralltiir was largely a matter of equations, not of people. She could deal with that. And if it took
She could also forget about doing anything with her talents and live as a farmer somewhere. But that usually required working with the locals, and you were supposed to do it in a family. She clearly wasn't cut out for that. Besides, she probably couldn't meditate enough not to get bored of it after a while. A peaceful, content, bucolic existence was a dream, not a realistic potentiality.
At least she had identified one possibility that seemed realistic at this point. She would have to do a lot of reading, but while she was still with the Order, she would have access to resources. And then, perhaps one nudge in the right place, to the right person's mind, to get a foot in the door, to get herself hired in the first place. That was surely justifiable.
She noticed, by chance, that she was breathing out. She could still sense the remnants of her prior turmoil, but the question of the worst case answered, she felt more grounded. In fact, maybe she should just go that way regardless? What, really, could she do in the Order anyway that did anyone any good?
The sobbing had helped, provided some release and relief, loosened the knot that had sat in Neriamel's chest. She remained motionless, sitting cross-legged on the floor of her tiny chamber, and made a point of not wiping her face with her robe. She could feel a slight tingle along the path that the tears had taken down her cheeks. Focusing her attention on these and other sensations in her body, she tried to meditate, to find a happy, or at least peaceful, place.
But time and again, the question cropped up in her mind: what was to happen now?
After several minutes, she admitted defeat and gave up. The question demanded obstinately to be thought about. Why fight it when she could simply do that and then have some peace.
Master Aruun had insisted that what had happened was not as if she had been rejected for knighthood, that it was not the same thing. But wasn't it really? Didn't this already mean she was judged to be unsuitable to be a Jedi?
She really didn't know how to go about finding a new teacher. She would think about this later - for now, to calm herself, it was going to be essential to map out the worse possibilities, to know what choices were available as a contingency, to have the full picture.
It was unthinkable to remain and simply work for the Order as a scientist or engineer or in its administration. She would never be able to be comfortable in this state of half-belonging. It made sense for those who were weak in the Force and knew that they could never had become a knight, but what was she to tell herself?
In the outside world, gifted people were often supposed to become scientists or engineers. It seemed to Neriamel to be a thankless task. These people were essentially archivists of technology, no matter what they told themselves about innovation. Life in the galaxy was constantly changing over time and place, but the range within which it was changing had essentially remained the same for hundreds if not thousands of years. Discoveries and inventions that truly, fundamentally changed existence were not forthcoming. The universe was like that. What people really needed was technicians more than engineers. And almost anyone could be a technician.
She could not go into politics or public service, it was impossible for a person without connections. She was probably, legally, still a Hapan citizen, but she had no ties to the planet. What influence the Jedi wielded was all in virtue of their belonging to the Order, or in some more remote places, the respect the locals had for educated warriors who could do what others couldn't. But she would have no hope of getting anywhere to do any good at all.
Going into business in some manner was a tenuous proposition, for a multitude of reasons, among them the fact that much of what was being made and sold seemed like unnecessary nonsense to her. There was a fundamental empathy gap here between herself and the people involved in such dealings, and to overcome it was simply a wasteful use of her time and talents. The only thing this could have lead to anything good was through money - and there were better ways to make more of that.
It seemed thinkable to go, for example, to Ralltiir and find work in its financial sector. It was a secret, but an imperfectly-kept one, that the Order possessed significant financial means and interests of varying provenance which required shrewd management. It might have been interesting work, but to amass influence and power on behalf of an organisation that would have essentially rejected her did not seem appealing. But if she were to do the same in a manner that could ultimately lead to her directing what the money did - that could be worthwhile. Most things you could do in the galaxy required either the ability to influence people, or a lot of money. And making money on Ralltiir was largely a matter of equations, not of people. She could deal with that. And if it took
She could also forget about doing anything with her talents and live as a farmer somewhere. But that usually required working with the locals, and you were supposed to do it in a family. She clearly wasn't cut out for that. Besides, she probably couldn't meditate enough not to get bored of it after a while. A peaceful, content, bucolic existence was a dream, not a realistic potentiality.
At least she had identified one possibility that seemed realistic at this point. She would have to do a lot of reading, but while she was still with the Order, she would have access to resources. And then, perhaps one nudge in the right place, to the right person's mind, to get a foot in the door, to get herself hired in the first place. That was surely justifiable.
She noticed, by chance, that she was breathing out. She could still sense the remnants of her prior turmoil, but the question of the worst case answered, she felt more grounded. In fact, maybe she should just go that way regardless? What, really, could she do in the Order anyway that did anyone any good?