The difficult answers

[Jacen Voidstalker]

Jacen stood in the darkest base of that canyon. It was the grim statues rising up on either side that made him realise he had come back to this place once more. Then he lowered his gaze and took in the piles of bones all around him. From near complete skeletons, to crumbling piles returning to ash, they were all around him. Heart racing, hands trembled, he closed his eyes. Nothing came to his aid to help him centre himself. No techniques he knew slowed his beating heart.

Slowly, he opened his eyes. Damn. It was all still there. His breathing was fast and shallow now, a cold panic spread out to every corner of his body. His eyes turned to the horizon. The shaking stopped, his pulse slowed. The sound of his heart started as a heavy drumbeat in his own head, but it slowly receded to leave a constant, deary white noise that drowned all thoughts and feelings.

The horizon was infinite, the canyon stretched out for eternity as if the world was flat. And yet at the same time, it was close to him as if he could reach out and touch the point where the sky met the world. It fell in and out of focus, near, then far. Large, then small. All other thoughts faded away as he was lost to the canyon.

Jacen turned his head to the side, even though there was something akin to an elastic force pulling his gaze back to the horizon. Several of the skeletons were hunched over, but sat down. Others were lain across the ground. Yet whenever the skull was intact, the dead eye sockets faced forwards. All those dark openings facing in one direction: towards the horizon.

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

His eyes snapped open and he violently threw his weight to one side. Normally he would have tumbled out of the bed. In his current confines he instead slammed his shoulder into the bulkhead next to his cot painfully.

He sat bolt upright, hands planted on either side of him. His bare chest heaved as he sucked in air. Droplets of sweat formed on his forehead and ran down the sides of his face and over his bare chest. It was fortunate that even though space was at a premium on an Alliance cruiser, such as the ANS Dauntless, a Jedi Marshall was still afforded his own small room. As his mind was slowly roused to consciousness he realised he'd cried out as he woke.

For a moment he sat alone in the darkness, waiting to see if anyone would come and check on him. Deciding that wasn't going to happen he slid off the cot, abandoning the thin white sheet. The dull artificial light caught on the thin sheen of sweat, sketching out the lines of his naked form in orange.

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

The basin groaned as it was pulled out from the wall. The fluorescent bulb over the mirror and sink flickered slowly into life. He pressed down on the tap, before splashing it cold water over his face. His mouth froze in a circle as he rubbed icy watcher over his shoulders and chest.

Jacen met his own eyes in the mirror. The lines that framed his eyes seemed to grow deeper each day. Seeing the tension in the line of his angular jaw he forced his own features to relax. He closed his eyes and took himself back to a happy memory. That was the litmus test. If he could feel something positive as he relived those moments he was alright. If he felt nothing but hollow and cold, he was in trouble.

He pictured a tiny pink hand reaching out. Plump digits gripping his own index finger. Malik’s pale and soft skin contrasted again own bronzed and calloused finger. A warm glow of happiness spread out from his chest.

His eyes opened once more. The lines across the face that looked back from the mirror seemed to have been smoothed out somewhat. He managed half a smile to himself, before pushing the basin back into its alcove on the wall. Grabbing a small white cloth, he towelled down his face and chest and headed back to the bed. He perched on the edge for a while, head in his hands.

He hadn't had a dark spell since the incident with the mass graves. Adele had armed him with a number of tools to keep a mental focus of clarity that kept him together. Whilst he hadn't quite achieved all the goals she had set him, he was able to keep himself anchored in the present. He didn't lose himself in the past any more. When he did look back those failures didn't crush his spirit any more, he'd found some measure of acceptance.

Yet the dreams on that place… netherworld, they kept reoccurring. Why did they haunt him so much? Was he simply reliving the rapture or was some part of him still left back in that canyon?

He didn't like to think about death too much. When he did it frightened him. When his mind started to process the fact that his existence was finite, that the universe had existed quite happily without a Jacen Voidstalker for an eternity and would do again, it stood all the hairs up on the back of his neck. A cold sort of nausea would seat itself deep in his guts. One day the curtain would come down and he would never experience another moment. That was what he had thought. Yet that was almost preferable to imagining an eternity in that place.

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

“Feth Jacen,” he chastised himself under his breath. He exhaled rapidly and clenched his fists. Then he rubbed his eyes and stood quickly, going to find some clothes. There was no point being so morose. He could cripple himself if he spent so much effort torturing his own mind. Inaction was a luxury he could ill afford in these times. The truth was simple. He fought on because he had to. Because it was the right thing to do. Death was inevitable for everyone. If he met an early grave it was because he had chosen to spend his life for a cause that went beyond him.

But perhaps this fixation was why what Kana had told him bothered him so much. He'd looked into it since that day of course. The dates lined up. She died on Alderaan; the reports were clear. It was after the Rapture that she was seen again. Did that mean that on death she'd been trapped there? He didn't want to ask her. He desperately didn't. Even vaguely personal questions perturbed the seemingly delicate iridonian and this was anything but that. But he knew he would. Was it a weakness he wondered. Wanting to know what he would find when inevitably met his end on the field. Might be he met his match, might be a great last stand like hers had apparently been. Perhaps an unlikely piece of shrapnel would blindside him, or maybe his next shuttle would get shot down.

He sighed and took a deep long breath in, letting it slowly out through his nose. His arms came up over his head and he started to stretch out the stiffness from another night in the cramped bed. He decided to head to the ship's small gymnasium after breakfast. It always helped to relax his anxieties for some reason, pushing his body beyond exhaustion. It probably wasn't healthy, he decided. He should probably meditate instead. It had, however, been a long campaign trying to shore up what had once been Republic space. He needed the break he was about to get. They would be at Sullust within a few hours.

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

The sun was cresting over the jagged mountain range as the shuttle descended. It caught on the surface of the giant glass biome. A smile found his lips as he watched the floating structure illuminated by the dawn light. Jacen had never really found a home since he'd left his parents at a young age. Perhaps the temple on coruscant had been, but it was hard to think of those barren corridors with any warmth. Even in the few years he'd almost been settled with his young family he'd been moved between accommodation provided by the military near a variety of camps. The Temple was almost becoming that, he decided. There were people there now he was starting to connect with, people he cared about. This was the centre of the spokes that connected them all. Gabriel and his odd family situation were not far from here, the younger members of the Order he was fond of were often here between sorties into Sith space. He thought of Adele and felt a pang of regret at what he was going to ask her. About what she had experienced when she had died.

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Adele Adonai"]

The sun still hung low above the mountain ranges when Jacen walked through the gardens. Dew still hung on the fronds of the wide variety of flora cultivated in the biome, catching the early light. That was a manifestation of the atmospheric controls of the biome, not any natural phenomena. Sullust had two weather conditions: hot and clear; swirling thick dust cloud. Both were equally deadly.

Jacen had never really held much of an appreciation for gardens. Nearly a month spent tending these grounds had changed that. He'd always found that manual work helped him clear his mind, but he'd not realised quite how much effort went into ensuring all this species from disparate corners of the Galaxy flourished. His hands had ended up even more calloused that they had already been from blaster and saber practise.

Her patience had eclipsed his own of course. The pale iridonian was almost impossible to read. Almost. He was well aware now that she preferred solitude. Yet she had been given the task of acting his chaperone for those weeks. It had taken time for him to build himself back up with her guidance. She'd altered her routine to suit his own, sat in quiet contemplation as he went through routines with a training saber for an hour each day, dropped him off at the base for physical training and led him through meditative routines. She didn't seem like the sort to enjoy having her routine changed to Jacen.

There was a slight limp in his gait as he made his way through the gardens. Whilst a good old bacta tank and treatment from military doctors had sped the healing of the lower back muscles on his left side - that had been sliced by the shrapnel - there was still lots of physio left to even out the tightness and get him fully fit. That was the main reason he was back after all.

He found her sat by the one of the tranquil pools in her typical meditating posture. His sense of her consciousness was fuzzy, spread out. That wasn't unusual, but it did suggest she might not be too aware of her immediate surroundings. With skin as pale as snow and sat so completely still it was almost as if someone had places a statue on the waterside.

Jacen sat himself down a few metres away. He'd never managed to deal with the discomfort inherent in seiza, so he sat cross legged and gradually closed his eyes. He could wait a while. He had learned to occasionally value being left with his own thoughts, instead of dreading it.

 

[Adele Adonai]

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

Your mind is troubled.

The statement flowed starkly among the still of the silence and the rustle of leaves. Such was the seemingly tranquility that permeated the Iridonian that one would wonder if the Jedi Healer even spoke. Had she? Or had that merely been an echo through the Force?

At times it could be unsettling to a few, the deep silence and stillness of the mediating female. At others, she was easy to overlook. To miss. Perhaps that is exactly what A’dele wanted, but it was ever so difficult to discern even a thimbleful of her thoughts.

Yet there she sat, perched in her familiar seiza form. Uncomfortable to most, but the welcomed stiffness a meditation focus for the Iridonian. A reflective pool with a seemingly slick surface bearing dark depths.

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

If her eyes were open she might have noticed the quick lift of his eyebrows that suggested she had made something of an understatement. “As always it seems,” he replied out loud. He sighed. Jacen started to focus on his breathing, deliberately controlling it from the diaphragm. In a few moments his breathing was slow and shallow. Yet he still couldn't quite find the words to start this particular conversation.

“Oh, I brought something for the er gardens,” he said, his tone light and conversational. His hand slipped into his robe and pulled out a small worn canvas bag. It's was tightly wrapped around something lumpy that shifted as he placed in on the ground.

“Just some seeds from the world I was last working on before I got shot again. They're not particularly interesting for their medicinal properties I'm afraid, but I thought they were a bit different. Each plant grows just one flower, about a palm's width across. But they're rare for being… what was the term… communal colourations. They need a breeze to do it, so it might not work here. But they're aware of the colours of their neighbours. Within days a group of them will all shift colours and make a pattern across them. Purple and turquoise ripples to direct insects to the centre of the group is quite common I believe.

“It's an evolutionary conundrum apparently. One flower will sacrifice it's own chance of reproducing by taking on a colour less likely to attract an insect. But it does this to make the flower bed catch the eyes of the pollinators.

“Sorry,” he said quietly after a pause. The timbre of his voice was deep again. “I'm blathering on to avoid why I came here.”

I heard that you died on alderaan. This time he responded in turn, without making a sound.

He saw that infinite horizon in his mind again and instantly felt unsettled. In such a diverse Galaxy it was hard to find anything one regarded as out of the ordinary. But that nightmare experience in the Netherworld, that would never be easily forgotten.

 

[Adele Adonai]

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

Pterygota are a subclass of insects that includes the winged insects.

There is a high probability that every planet capable to sustaining life boasts several species of Pterygota. Sullust is no different, nor for any botanical garden. There are some that come to mind that are particularly bothersome to the average gardener. Gnats, mosquitos, the common fly. Much like miniature starfighters jittering over trees, among the flowers, and often times all the worst, about the ears.

A typical bat of a hand might deter their flight-path, but the majority of the time, they to return with quite the vengeance -- bringing along with it a certain matter of annoyance at their insistent presence.

However, there were also others, whose winged presence while arguably still eliciting that buzzing sound, were not as incommodious. The average honey bee is a member of the Pterygota family whose wings may make one believe would create an aggravating buzz. To the gardener, however, despite their winged buzzing hold notable characteristics of strength. A social creature, it works with other bees in a highly organized structure, all for the good of the hive. Diligent. Loyal. Fierce. Protective… these are all characteristics of the honeybee.

Knight Voidstalker is a honey bee.

He had many of the similar characteristics of the Apini, and much like a member of a hive, he too was a hardworking member of the New Jedi Order. Diligence, loyalty, and a fierce protectiveness were traits of the warrior. A social creature, Voidstalker took to filling the silence with conversation, and much like a youngling, a plethora of questions.

Their time together during his probation brought them into a situation where A’dele could not simply ignore him nor settle among the wallflowers. No, this particular honey bee would socialize along its flight path, searching for nourishment to bring back to the hive. Perhaps, unfortunate for him, that the only nearby patch to graze was a rather seemingly empty pond with lackluster flowers edging it, calmly reflecting their pale lavender tipped petals across its glacial waters.

None the less, the honey bee’s presence while initially disconcerting, would grow from one that would provoke caution, to that of a distant hum. White noise that the Jedi Healer found herself drifting mentally into a rather curious state of repose. Knight Voidstalker would make reference on his day, his thoughts about the Order, himself, dancing across a wide spectrum of topics much like a honey bee fluttering from one flower to the next. It was amusing at times, troubling in others, but nonetheless, not a hindrance nor an annoyance.

To the typical gardener, the honey bee has a vital role in keeping order in their garden, pollinating and distributing bits here and there. From a distance, their winged flight path could arguably be considered soothing. A white noise that could lull the mind to sleep.

He grew on her.

However, there were times where even the beneficial honey bee could be just as easily disconcerting buzzing about one’s ears as a mosquito searching for a perch to draw its dinner. Curiosity begs for a closer look, a certain fascination at the hue of a petal, much like the purple and turquoise of the flora characteristics Jacen had described.

Enter the buzzing of wings along the delicate shell of an ear.

It can be disconcerting, and can have one panic. Such moments, instinct is to bat it away, in a defensive mechanism for fear of harm. Yet he curious honey bee isn’t prone for aggression, nor meant any harm. He was simply searching for nourishment -- knowledge of sorts.

He only made a simple statement. But the weight of those words were as unsettling as any honeybee flying by her ear. A’dele’s mental clarity froze. It was as if a cold front had sailed over that small pond with the frigidity of winter. The roll of her fingers upon the fabric of her robes came next, and just the subtlest stiffening of her spine would straighten her back.

I heard that you died on alderaan.

Well, what was one to do in such a situation? While A’dele had certainly never hidden her unique circumstance, having it abruptly brought to center stage unsettled her.

That winter draft brought with it a fog, a thick haze that made it difficult to to discern one’s hand held in front of them. Undercurrents rippled, and ice crystals clung to the frozen petals of the flowers that edged the pond.

Silence would resonate between the two. Until finally, A’dele’s soft voice sailed from the depths of the mist to lightly echo within Jacen’s mind.

There is no death, there is the Force.

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Adele Adonai"]
Jacen rocked from side to side for a moment as he resettled his posture. He breathed out sharply through his nose, interrupting the gentle rhythm of his breathing. He knew from experience that even the faintest ripple on that placid surface belied a greater turbulence hidden from view. Only once, when she had sensed Kanas pain, had he seen Adele's emotion brought to the fore. That experience had been quite unsettling for the Jedi Marshal, perhaps more than he would have expected.

He licked his lips as he tried to think on what to say next. He mentally chastised himself for how blunt he had been. Since making up his mind that he would be having this conversation whilst on the journey here, he had played it through his mind several times. Not once had his first remark cut to the bone of the matter quite that quickly.

I'm sorry, came his response when he finally settled on honestly. That was rude of me. Not something to just bring up like that. It's just… when the Rapture happened I was trapped within Netherworld. I don't know how long for, but it…it wasn't pleasant. At all. Were you trapped in that awful place?

His breathing had slowed back to a gentle, shallow motion. Since his probation he had, for the most part, learned how to be comfortable with his own thoughts. Meditating for long hours had now become part of his regular routine - when time allowed. Even half an hour of silent reflection before sleep when out in the field often left him fresher when he woke. Often that was catching just a few hours of sleep at a time between acting on orders, so it was of great benefit to centre himself with what little time he had to himself.

Adele had done a great deal for him, with little in return beyond some hard graft around the gardens. It genuinely made him sorrowful to be picking at what must have been a painful scar for his own benefit again. But he just had to know, even if he might not want the answer. Did endless torture in that grim reality await him when he eventually met his end? Yet some other part of him wanted to know a different answer: was she like this before she died?

 

[Adele Adonai]

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

There was the faintest quiver of her bottom lip, before a tightness set in along the line of her jaw. Her treacherous mind took her back to those few final moments. Made her feel the echoes on those traumatic seconds. She didn't want to feel.

There is no emotion, there is peace.

Returning to the mantra was supposed to make it easier, yet the more that he elaborated, the more that she could feel the passing ripples of his confusion, of that mental conflict, it made it difficult to ignore. It was as if the Bee skimmed the surface of the pond. Just to see if it could cause ripples at its touch. Smaller questions building up to the big ones. Today that bee had somehow thrown a rock into the pool.

The question would be if the bee would send another skipping across the surface, a sequence of endless ripples with every single probing question.

For a moment, the sound of silence permeated between she and he. Slow, cold, heavy as snow. Pregnant -- is a word one would have used. Expectant, full, with something living and turning, gestating, in the dark smoky womb of that pool. A moment later, the fog shifted, rose, much like a deep intake of breath, a brief respite of clarity followed by an exhale of acquiescence.

To know the road ahead.. the soft drone of her voice would pierce the reticence of the rolling mist across that glacial pond, tiny ripples lightly dancing upon that surface. ...ask those coming back.

Another draw of breath, a pause.

The galaxy fears an evil man, but the Netherworld does not. trapped? No, to a degree, there was a higher level of understanding for A’dele then. Her time in the netherworld was spent in guiding others, providing clarity. Much in the same way as she had done in life.

Trapped? No. It was a willing purgatory.

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

Should the evil man fear Netherworld? he mused. Jacen enjoyed his discussions with A’dele. Over time she had seemed to tolerate his questions more and more. A few times she had spoken sentences in an almost casual manner. He still grimaced a touch as she responded, aware of the fact that his questions today were particularly personal. He didn’t like to perturb the healer; it was a poor way to repay her kindness during his most difficult days. Yet after weeks of hard fighting, feeling her presence and hearing her voice brought a measure of peace to the soldier. It helped him realise something: he enjoyed her company. Why else did he come past the gardens on every return to Sullust?

“I will always do what needs to be done, but truth be told it had been playing on my mind,” he had instinctively started speaking out loud again. “I know it won’t be long before I find myself holding the line or simply because those are my orders. I’d like to believe I’ll find a measure of peace after that rather than an endless nightmare.”

Jacen realised he was vocalising his thoughts. His mouth closed and he continued to breath through his nose. He allowed his consciousness to sink into the Force. The world around him was perceived through his mind’s eye now. The physical world was dull and grey. Yet Adele was a bright nexus in the flow of the Force. She was akin to a clear gem catching the light. Just hints of colour occasionally shining through in pale hues. Most beings were bright colours to his perceptions dependant upon emotion. Whilst the sensation of her presence was familiar, her feelings and thoughts were always keep behind thick walls.

How are the Baffor trees growing? he asked. Several sensations were brought to the fore of his mind where Adele might pick them up. Aching muscles as he dug them in for hours on end under the bright sun. The particular bitter scent of their pollen. The thrum of the collective communicating telepathically at the back of his mind as he worked and the sound of their leaves rustling.

 

[Adele Adonai]

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

The hint of a gentle sigh. Creased up robes smoothed out as the grip on them was relaxed… The curious honeybee had resumed it's gentle meander through the scattered frost dusted flowerbed.

A’dele breathed in through her lips, a silent stream that would fill her lungs with cool air. A steadying quality that would bring a measure of tranquility to the Iridonian, much like the lull of of waves from a distant shore. The release of the query would draw the Jedi Healer to a further state of clarity. While Voidstalker’s mind would wander, his curious probing dawdle towards introspection and safer topics, A’dele would slowly shift her focus to study the Jedi through that double mirrored mist barrier she’d manifested.

There was an uncertainty that troubled the man, plaguing his thoughts for what dwelled in the beyond -- and if that purgatory that he had faced would damn him anew. The corners of A’dele’s mouth would thin, straightening. For a moment her body tensed, then shifted, distributing her weight along the pins and needles that lanced through her legs and thighs.

Her tension eased marginally, and for a moment that mist would thin. In its place, the pond would fade and another image was brought to the fore. The botanical gardens replaced the fog and the pond, leaving instead the unique circular pattern of Baffor trees. Like Weeping Willows, their slender branches would sway in illusionary gusts of wind. Faint billowing clouds of yellow green pollen would float in the air, bringing with it the fresh green scent akin cut grass edged with rosemary.

This was safe, an environment that A’dele could conjure up enough to situate her own hazy representation standing amongst the ring of Baffor trees.

They’ve taken root. her voice would float over Jacen, quiet in its elaboration. Perfectly feminine. Perfectly lovely. Seemingly tranquil as one alabaster hand would slowly rise, the shell of her palm slightly cupped in front of her as if to catch the drifting pollen and the shifting leaves.

Another second of contemplation.

Is it the Netherworld that troubles you, Knight Voidstalker? a rare question indeed. Or is the the demons you might face?

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

Jacen gently swayed on the spot. As if he was caught by the breeze in that visceral yet imaginary manifestation of the bafforr plantation. In truth he was considering her question. He had expected that being offered a clear escape from the topic of her own death the white lamb would have bolted through the opening back to calmer pastures.

The question did not rock him as it once would have done, despite how poignant it had been. He had immersed himself in the sound of her voice and the sensations drawn from a serene period of his recent past. Jacen's mind sailed on relatively tranquil waters as he explored the question.

When she asked a question it typically belied a great deal of wisdom. Jacen was going to forsake neither the opportunity to receive further pragmatic advice or the chance of a more direct conversation with the typically distant healer. The silence stretched out between them for a time. They had sat like this in complete silence for hours at a time during his probation.

His avatar watched the fronds dance in the breeze with interest. His hand stretched out, palm first, and gently ran down the bark of the trees. He recalled both the feel of that physical touch, as well as brushing against a consciousness he could not hope to interpret. Shule Windspeaker had once introduced him to the species. He was another who had offered advice when he needed it. His had been delivered in a more casual and pragmatic manner. Yet was that more effective than Adele's single observations that could leave him pondering their meaning for days?

Perhaps both, he admitted. Some moments from my past still trouble me from time to time. Not like they once did of course, not since my probation. Thank you. That level of gratitude he felt percolated up to the surface of his mind where Adele might feel the strength of the emotion. She knew all too well how much her and had got him through those difficult times. Now he had the clarity of thought to be able to focus on trying to be the model Jedi and leader he wanted to become. With the prospect of meeting the end all too suddenly perhaps it is more important that I find a greater level of peace with myself, he mused.

There was another thought that came to the front of his mind, perhaps far enough that she would sense it. Was she at peace with herself?

 

[Adele Adonai]

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

Teachers open the door, Knight Voidstalker.

Her voice quietly sang with a seemingly tranquility of a bubbling brook.

You enter by yourself.

This was in direct reference that whatever she may have helped him accomplish, this was all ultimately his doing. His choice. His focus. His own determination. The two stood quietly, and while it would seem as if the Jedi Knight was not paying particular attention to Jacen, she was. In him she felt the appreciation, along with the wandering mull of what troubled him then.

Her attention set upon the illusionary thin layer of pollen that dusted her palm, and for a brief moment, it was as if a trace ghost of an upward quirk would grace the corners of her lips.

One can study until old age... A'dele would state, her forefinger and thumb coming together to lightly rub against one another. ... and still not finish. was that a brief flash of wry amusement? No, it certainly couldn't be. The Iridonian would lift her head, staring off into the distant grove that surrounded them.

Even then, a careful foot can step anywhere. that slow rub between the pinch of her fingers gave another slow circular trek. One could practically feel the subtle grainy texture that wore away into a silky powder.

The distant hum of a bee's wings would lazily drift along with the sound of sifting leaves. A slight narrowing of her eyes, the searching of a particular aspect of the self that would tempt a weaving of web. The spinning of silk.

You mind often wanders, Knight Voidstalker... The soft spoken observation was a rare act of directness. Were Jacen to turn to the Iridonian, he would behold a pair of ice blue eyes directly meeting his, the pale lavender of her tattoos a petal brushed against her skin. And for a moment, a mere blink of an eye, water would seem to bead on her skin, trickling down her cheeks, blonde damp hair clinging to her skin.

What can I do to help you settle it?

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Adele Adonai"]

Jacen had been idly watching A’dele run the thick pollen between her fingers. He had been content to focus on the sound of her voice. Ever since that first group session long ago he’d found that tranquil tone immensely calming. He wasn’t certain in this realm whether she truly spoke, or he simply overlaid the sound of her voice on the intentions she expressed. He nodded to himself as he found the meaning in her words. It had been a difficult road, but he had come a long way down it.

For a moment he was distracted by something moving in the trees. A pale white spider moved through the branches and seemed to observe him with curious, multifaceted eyes. Then he looked over and caught the faintest hint of a smile on her tattooed face. It elicited one of his own immediately. It was just a subtle shift of the lips; he mostly smiled with his eyes. Jacen didn’t think he had even caught even a glimmer of amusement on her ever-placid features before. She seemed a touch more animated and conversational than the last time they had spoken which was a welcome surprise. Thinking back, that had perhaps been a very gradual change over the time they had spent together during and after his probation.

You mind often wanders, Knight Voidstalker...

Eyes that were often fixated on the floor or her lap were suddenly meeting his own. Then his version of reality suddenly shifted and his mind was sent…places. He suddenly pictured that long blonde hair, dark with moisture, plastered across the front of her bare skin.

What can I do to help you settle it?

“Oh, oh!” he said suddenly with wide eyes. His guts seemed to crawl up his throat and try to strangle the air from him and bright crimson flushed across his cheeks. Jacen suddenly found himself intensely interested in a tree off to his right. If she had sensed his appreciation before, she would certainly feel the hot well of both crippling embarrassment and base desire. Did I manifest that image? Did she? Did she even see that?

The air grew dark as clouds loomed. There was a distant rumble of thunder that started to sound remarkably like a shower running. He tried to dispel that visceral image, but his subconscious had darted off without him to another one.

“Erm…” he said quietly, stalling for time.

In the half light, hitched up, a pale white v-shape before him. Open hands placed down on a soft towel as he knelt before it.

On the distant horizon twin snowy mountain peaks suddenly rose up. Stop that! He chastised himself. Finding himself short of breath he ran through a well-practised routine – one that A’dele had shown him herself. Mental walls were reinforced and control was re-established. The world around him slightly lost its hue as the connection wavered. Then his personal view of it returned as he placed some parts of him back behind one side of that wall, whilst his consciousness remained here. The twin white peaks on the skyline were gone. The weather had returned to a bright and airy breeze.

“Sorry,” he said quietly, unsure exactly how aware she was of what had run through his mind of the last five seconds. “What could you do to help settle it?” he echoed. Behind his walls a mischievous part of his mind said: a couple of hours should do it. He looked up, bravely meeting her eyes again.

“For now just some quiet meditation would help me focus I think. Let me work out what the answer to that question might really be,” he said. He wondered what he could do in this environment. He held up both hands and the wind swirled with a greater pace sending down a stream of polled. Jacen smiled. “Perhaps a mental exercise in seeing how much I can visualise and control?” he asked.

 

[Adele Adonai]

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

T'was as if the the poor honeybee had been caught upon a strong gust of wind. It frantically would beat its wings, caught in the wake of powerful air currents, a warm front sending it high, tossing it low, and casting it into a confused frenzy. Each flutter of its wings beating into existence a storm.

It is called the Koros Butterfly effect. A concept that small causes can have large effects. It is derived from the Caamasi metaphorical example of the details of a tempest being influenced by minor perturbations such as the flapping of the wings of a distant Koros butterfly several weeks earlier.

The perturbations that came from Jacen's backlash of emotions would have their effect. One way or another, be it now or later. It was a line of demarcation. Subtle, but the vibrations could be felt among the silk of that gossamer web.

Awareness.

There was a hike in her breath, and once again, her thumb would rub against the flesh of her index finger. Glacial eyes widened, and for a moment, she struggled with what to do next save stare at him, wordless.

Her eyes became avoidant again, panning towards the manifestation of the weeping Bafforr trees. A rosy flush easily swept over her face, and had this not been a creation of the Force through the mind, one could argue it was just the heat of the Sullust sun.

Unlikely.

Providence came in the form that A'dele excelled in. Instruction. The bee had managed to recover his flight. Cautious, tracing a flight patch it was more familiar with, leaving weaver to her own hurried patchwork of her web.

"The Force is infinite in its possibilities." she would relay to Voidstalker, her voice a whisper that resonated around his ears. "This is a dreamscape. A projection of the Force of a world created in one's mind." it was an illusion often broken when the opponent tried to break through it. However, until that time, the projection would appear entirely real.

"It's limitations are subject to the extent of one's will." she took a deep breath, the following ironic considering her own troubling state, " Focus. Imagine what you desire and manipulate that change." ever so slowly the colors seemed to dim. A'dele was releasing a measure of control over their surroundings for Jacen to be able to practice, but it wasn't before she too tucked away the one who spun silk and would lay in wait. Like Jacen, there were few things she had any desire to share. The petals of that flower drew into themselves, almost protectively so.

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Adele Adonai"]

The little bee continued on its inexorable journey. Little could deter to driven little creature as it sought nourishment. But as simple as the creature was, it was not without awareness. It skirted the flower with the enticing lavender markings over pearlescent white petals. Avoid that which it most wanted to taste. Particularly when people went throwing the word ‘desire’ around so recklessly.

His avatar faded for a moment as his awareness receded to hastily cover some cracks in the mortar. Honestly it was a wonder the Coruscant Chargers’ cheerleading team, circa 831 ABY hadn't manifested.

The investigator was all too aware that both of them were rather pointedly finding something else to look at in their surroundings. He wanted to meet her gaze again, to see A’dele take just a half-step out of that shell and engage him. But perhaps not for a few minutes until he had fully swallowed his embarrassment.

“A test of willpower and imagination,” he reiterated under his breath. He nodded affirmatively. It seemed a good way to find his focus again. Imagination was generally grounded in memory. He allowed his subconscious to wonder - on this side of the wall - and draw up a pleasant memory.

He opened his eyes to a familiar sight. The engine of his old command IFV rumbled. His hand reached out and ran down the familiar battered exterior of the vehicle. The forest green paint was marred by a number of black stars where blaster bolts has caught them.

Was this a happy memory? Perhaps it was. Almost a home from home. Him and a tight-knit group of men worked in those cramped confines through the long hours. When they could they slept at their stations or pulled a tent out from the back. The corner of his mouth twitched up.

Yet over time his family had changed. As the war had turned his peers had either been promoted out, honorably discharged, or sent home in a box draped in the Republic flag. He'd become increasingly distant from an ever youthful family. His men had become younger as he had aged. Recruitment had become ever more desperate as the One Sith emerge and caused untold casualties. The corner of his lip wavered for a moment before curling back down.

Feeling suddenly apprehensive he opened the door of the vehicle. Jacen recoiled as if he had been slapped, almost stumbling back. Through the door was the office he had shared with Lieutenant Fennick at the fixed base he'd worked from during Operation Scimitar during an offensive against the old Sith Empire. On the table was a hastily torn open envelope, a thick wad of paper with the insignia of the attorney’s logo embossed on the cover. That emblem would forever be etched into his memory.

The door was slammed closed and he turned to Adele. “Rather boring don't you think?” he asked. “Now for something different.”

There was a shrill cry and a dark spot appeared on the horizon. As he focused on creating each aspect in detail the creature drew nearer. The rhythmic beating of three sets of wings working became visible. It closed on them as his ideas coalesced into something tangible in this world of abstract thought. The mottled green hue of its leather hide became visible. Four vestigial appendages came into focus: oval shaped leaves, rough with long fronds on the trailing edge that the beast twisted up and down to steer its sleek body. The face was wide and flat with an elongated beak.

It gave another cry as it soared over the tops of the Bafforr plantation, sending another torrent of pollen cascading down. It came so close he could almost reach out and touch it. He watched it with childish wonder, a grin plastered across his face. It turned to regard him and Jacen realised it's face had a familiar pattern of markings. His concentration wavered and the manifestation of his imagination returned to an indistinguishable blur that shrieked indignantly and glided out of sight.

Jacen shrugged. “That's a start,” he admitted. Yet that vehicle and those heavy set doors that led to another aspect of his past were still there.

 

[Adele Adonai]

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

Now that was a curious thing for the Bee.

His flightpath tumbled askewed. Yet it was no gust of wind nor external force that did it. No, this came from within. It was that natural driven curiosity, that piqued interest from the Iridonian that would help A'dele momentarily forget her own uneasiness and focus upon Jacen's own.

He had shut that metaphysical door rather quickly, suddenly on edge and losing focus anew. He had been successful. Perhaps a bit too much? Pale blue eyes would drift from the departing creature, settling upon his slightly tense stance, noticing the flex of muscles as tension grew. Yet this was different.

"The mind merely reflects one's innermost thoughts, Knight Voidstalker." she would carefully say. "Desires. Hopes. Fears..."

Her gaze would drift towards that singular door he had shut so abruptly. "One might say... a Trial of the Spirit."

It was a reference at one specific Jedi Trial. To pass it, a Padawan had to look deep within their souls, on a quest of self-discovery. This test was designed to pit a potential Knight against their most dangerous enemy: the darkness within themselves. Often, apprentices did not like what they saw, and it could be a highly traumatic experience. Because of this grueling self-examination, this Trial was often known as Facing the Mirror.

It was a foray into a deep meditative trance to combat their inner fears and demons, where one must write the script for what will transpire on the journey.

A curious thought came to mind.

Had Jacen ever completed his?

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Adele Adonai"]

Jacen's eyes widened for a second and he drew in a deep breath. He turned to look at the door with an accusing gaze and then back to Adele. “Yeah…yeah,” he said softly. He knew what trials were. Knew that this was exactly the same as what some padawans still chose to go through.

He leant his head back, tensing his thick neck before dropping his shoulders as he exhaled. He centred himself, found his strength and focused his mind on the present. When he looked up to Adele there was an almost childish smile on his face. “I guess that's twice in a just a few minutes my subconscious has landed me in it!” he said with a quick of his lips. She almost certainly wasn't ready for him to make light of what had transpired just moments ago, or even for him to simply acknowledge that they were both aware of that. Making inappropriate jokes was perhaps not his greatest weakness.

His arm felt heavy as he raised it to the door handle this time. He had to stop himself from pleading with her to follow him and stay close. It seemed in his darkest times he turned to her now. Not a burden he would wish on anyone. As he opened the door there was no need to step through. Instead of entering that room the room enveloped them.

Through the window he saw a group of men run past for the morning PT. Yet a silence settled over them. It had not been so quiet at them time, yet he imagined it this way. Perhaps it reflected the sudden hollowness that had engulfed him. Or perhaps so focused in this moment he had ignored all other senses for a time.

“I knew this was coming,” he spoke. “Somehow I just hadn't see it playing out this way. That slip of paper didn't shout at me, it was just… there pulling me back in to try and believe the words etched into the page. So cold, so dry. She'd been telling me for months that I'd been neglecting them both. I knew it too,” he said, before swallowing hard. “My own flesh and blood and I let them down.”

His mouth moved a few times, but no words came. It snapped shut. Reaching out, he picked up the letter and read it. Some of the words were blurred out where they'd been lost in his mind. He folded it neatly and placed it back in the envelope, dropping it into a draw.

“This was my fault. My decisions, my actions. I won't let those closest to me down again.”