Des staid where she was as he approached. She felt no hostility or untoward intent either in what she saw or felt in the Force, even as she withdrew. There was only compassion. That alone hurt, scrubbing at old, festered wounds that hadn't healed yet. It was hard to accept, but at the same time she desperately wanted that. Needed it. Maybe she craved it too.
As he spoke, it sent another, sharper wave of it through her. It was one thing feeling it, another to hear it. But to hear and feel it, to know that Anse believed what he said and had nothing but good intentions. That was another crack in the wall. But the road to hell was paved with good intentions. Others had said the same. Felt the same. And then things had changed. Always without a word as to why. Always that pain, hanging hopes on another. Or that another might actually prove themselves worthy of her true trust and loyalty.
Desbre wanted nothing more than to be able to trust the man. Just the idea was hard to contemplate. She could at least tell him a little more, she supposed. Reaching into her pile of things she fished out a metal cylinder with a couple buttons and controls on it. It looked like a remote for a restraining bolt but bigger, or perhaps the beacon for a ship with a homing system. Maybe a hydrospanner without the head on it. But the way she held it suggested something else entirely. It felt like a weapon, and one she was skilled with.
He'd have noticed the callouses on her hands. The wear patterns weren't just from tools. Not by the wear on the object itself. She took a breath. "So the discussion with my grandfather I had a few weeks after Grams death. I told him something I hadn't shared with anyone, in a moment of candor. You see, I was in the middle of that race. And I felt my grandmother's distress. I knew something was wrong with her. I'd been free, and focused, deep in the moment. This kriffing jerk, Rance Tellor, kicked my bike hard enough to send me into the wall at oh at least a couple hundred klicks per hour. The rebound spun me out. Screwed up the stakes, and the repulsors were iffy. I was out of the race. So I limped it off the track. Got back home, found out what was going on." She sighed and shook her head.
"My grandfather actually listened though. He was a reserved man, but he listened. He paid attention. And he was very intellectual. Didn't really approve of a lot of what I did. But I didn't care. It made me happy. Made me money." She shrugged. "But he got to thinking. Dug up some old family archives. Books and the like, but also some old artifacts. According to him, our family has a history that's been unpursued for a long time." Talking about this didn't seem to cause her much pain, or bring up that pain. This wasn't what troubled her.
She pressed a stud on the hilt. A sharp snap-hiss rang out as a cold blue-white bar of energy burst to life, one hundred ten centimeters in length. It's vibrant energy hum filled the cavern with a marvelous resonance. "It seems there have been a number of Jedi in my family line over the last couple thousand years. It's rare on Arkania. Our people are scientists, and have been known to mess with life. I should know. I'm an offshoot. And a second-class citizen." Tapping the button twice, the saber closed down, extinguishing it's cool light.
"He suggested that my path may not lie on our homeworld. But out there. He suggested I go find the Jedi. Maybe see what I can find out. Maybe I had access to the Force. Maybe that was what I was really meant for." She shook her head. "I realize now, he was sending me away. I didn't see the manipulation then. But now, I see it. And who knows. Maybe he was trying to help." She shrugged one shoulder as she fidgeted with her nails in her lap, staring into the flames.
That hurt. Being sent away. It seemed dark clouds were gathering within her at this. "So I took what i had. I got my ship for dirt cheap. It barely functioned, but I started getting it patched up. When I could, I set off, with a new mission. Well... I found the Jedi. All seemed well. A week or so of testing and questioning. I wanted to find out about my family history, but I was also very eager to learn. The Jedi that initially greeted me on arrival was a new knight and he sought to teach a student. He took me on. And things were great. Turns out I'm very strong in the Force."
She bit her lower lip. "I learned from him for a time. Learned a lot. Began learning to use a lightsaber, and a number of other techniques. We'd set out on a trip to Dantooine, but after we got back, I was relegated back to the cluster of padawans without a teacher. I languished for months. Eventually I was sent to one of the Enclaves. Someone would be teaching me there. Or rather I guess instructing. Met her. Things were a little rough at the start. But she did teach me new abilities. Then a month or two later, it was over. I was recalled to the temple I'd started at. But no new teachers came. So I trained and I trained. Day and night, every waking moment. I pushed as hard as I could, for as long as I could. Trying to just be good enough someone would want me. Then I found another teacher. She promised to look after me, and help me complete my training. But she vanished too, after I learned a little more about how to heal myself." She swallowed a lump in her throat and lapsed into silence for a time. "I finally decided to find my own way, for now. I still want to learn, but... I'm afraid that... I just don't measure up. There are other, better students out there." She sighed and pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged her thighs, arms under her thighs, chin resting on knees.
"I've been on walkabout for months. And I still am no better off."