Thirty Five Weeks Later

[Kana Truden]

It had been eight months. Eight whole months since Kana had seen Corvus last. At least in private. Kana didn’t know it yet but things had changed. A lot of things had. The temple at Ossus - Kana’s home - felt like a dream come true the first few steps she had taken off of the loading ramp as her shuttle had returned. The warm temperatures - a welcoming change from the biting cold of Hoth - proved harder to re-adjust to than she expected as a constant fever-like sensation ran throughout her entire body.

Today was the day she had anxiously waited for since her first month in exile. The proper reunion with Knight Raaf. She didn’t know of the news, she hadn’t seen them at all. Had she talked to any other jedi she would have heard about the new headmaster. But Kana hadn’t and she didn’t.

Normally Kana would have asked Corvus to meet her in one of the chambers. However the idea of sitting in a big-musky-somewhat-closed-in room had no appeal whatsoever. No, she had asked to meet in the courtyard. The sun was up and there was no way Kana would deny herself the chance to stay warm without the help of a coat.

Somethings never changed. Kana sat in shallow meditation as she waited for her friend to arrive. Her sleeveless tunic waved in the breezes of the wind and the same could be said about her hair. A small content smile grew on her and she knew that deep down, somehow, she was finally starting to feel at peace with things. Even if her ‘interrogation’ from before had been close to proving otherwise.

[member="Corvus Raaf"]​

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Thank heavens for the Force. Without it, she would have walked straight past Kana - but her presence gave her away. And the sleeveless tunic of course.

It stood to reason there were no hairdressers on Hoth, but the change in Kana's appearance was striking. And stunning - in equal measures. Of late, Corvus had felt she was changing from being a girl to a woman. It was subtle things and she was in no way sure if anyone else had noticed. With her reputation for being a cold-fish, she suspected nobody would tell her. Maybe Kian - but she hadn't seen a lot of him of late. There was one person who would have told her, but she'd been on some ice-planet for eight months. Thirty-five weeks, two days, four hours and approximately ten minutes actually. Not that Corvus was counting.

But Kana was decidedly different now physically. Her hair really suited her and there was a softness about her. Not in a bad way. Not in an un-Jedi like way.

So she sat down beside her best friend and said quietly, "Is anyone sitting here?"

[member="Kana Truden"]

 

[Kana Truden]

That was a voice she would never in her life forget. Kana’s eyes slowly opened and set on Corvus. She looked different. The obvious signs of her youth had suddenly come to be hidden behind a considerably womanly exterior and Kana had to admit that it wasn’t something she would have expected to see any time soon. Perhaps that just went to show exactly how much could change in eight months.

“Knight Raaf?” Still blissfully unaware. “Is that you? You look so…”

Try as she might the urge to bear hug her friend proved way too great to resist and she proceeded to do just that. She let the silence speak for her. This move had been planned for twenty-nine weeks, a day, six hours, thirty-nine minutes and twelve seconds. Maybe not in quite that detail, but it was something she undoubtedly would do as she returned. She let go and the hug turned into a stare. A somewhat creepy stare but Kana paid it no mind. She had spent nearly a year in constant solitude. To see people again was great; to see Corvus again was something else.

“Did you do something with your hair? Where is the bun or the ponytail?”

[member="Corvus Raaf"]​

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Twice in the space of a few weeks Corvus had been hugged. Zero times in sixteen years and now a veritable avalanche. But if she could have chosen two people to breach that defence it would have been her Master and her best friend.

Corvus laughed out loud - a sound that said she wasn't being polite, she was genuinely amused. Another second. "Look who's talking." She grabbed her hair as if to full it back into the old pony-tail but failed. "It was getting long under the Shadow Mask," she offered and then laughed again. She would have to stop keeping count now! "I feel...different, you know....different." It was a lousy explanation and with anyone else it would have made no sense. But with Kana it would.

She was also aware of the use of title. To ignore it might prove awkward later. But to bring it up might prove awkward now. Later won by a landslide. "What have you been doing?"

[member="Kana Truden"]

 

[Kana Truden]

Was that a laughter? She laughed too now? A chuckle at the thought would make it seem as if she was laughing along with her friend when in fact it was somewhat directed at her. The eight months had served them well it would seem. Corvus was still a shadow and Kana had found her purpose. Things were still changing it would seem. Like ‘feeling different’, Kana knew what it meant alright. The only trouble was pinpointing exactly how, there was a lot that was different since last.

“Well, you know me. Meditating, practicing, thinking…” She stood up from the ground and brushed the dirt off of her legs. “Solitude, loneliness and clarity.”

It was a brief but precise summary. Kana would have told Corvus of the jedi safehouse she had sought out but a promise was a promise. Maybe if things changed there would be reason for Corvus to be let in on the secret but as it stood right now she saw little reason. It would be her and Cpt. Gideon’s secret for now.

“Eight months is a long time, I know and I’m sorry for that. I had only planned on being gone for a month at most but one thing lead to another and I decided it was best to stay for as long as I needed to straighten things out.”

No need to mention exactly what it was. Being cryptic wasn’t what she favored but sometimes keeping your thoughts to yourself was for the best. Especially when the thoughts had centered around the person you were talking to.

Kana motion Corvus to follow her with a small handwave. It had become a habit to simply walk around. Remaining still for longer periods of times in the Hoth Sanctuary had a tendency to leave you chilled unless you were covered in a billion blankets. In any case some habits died hard and this was one of those.

“I hope you didn’t take it too personal.”

[member="Corvus Raaf"]​

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus felt uncomfortable. In some ways it felt like only an hour had gone since their last meeting, in other ways it felt like years had passed.

There was so much unsaid. And that which wasn't being mentioned felt like secrets. And that's something they'd never had before. And secrets had a happen of coming between people. Not that she blamed Kana in any way. There were times when she'd been told things she couldn't share. Weren't there? Actually, no, there was nothing. Perhaps that is what was causing the feeling of unease. So she followed Kana as she stood and started walking.

"Personal? Me?..." She left the words hanging.

[member="Kana Truden"]

 

[Kana Truden]

“I just had a lot on my mind. About who, what and where I was.” Kana turned her head towards her friend with a smile. “A lot of my time was spent thinking on what I was, amongst other things.” She turned to face her friend completely. “And I realized that I’m a jedi knight.”

The silence could linger for a bit as Kana collected her thoughts. Perhaps outright stating she was a knight was a poor choice. It was quite obvious that she was one, but the purpose was not to state that as much as bring the conversation somewhere. Her eyes wandered aside for as second as she tried to catch the thread once more.

“I mean, that much is obvious but I gave a lot of thought into how I’ve acted as one. How my actions has helped mirror what others think it means to be a jedi, and I realized that…” Her mouth opened as if she was about to say something yet nothing would come out. She slowly she shook her head. “... I probably could have done it a lot better.”

“I am not saying I am a bad jedi, but I could definitely have done better. I’ve been careless in my actions, acted before thinking and I've realized that it needed to stop. Not because I am not trying to, but because of this.”

Kana raised her hand in the air. It was the same arm that had been struck by the poisoned dagger. The small scrape that had been the most terrifying moment of her life. She gave Corvus a worried glance. It was still a bad memory eight months later and it had every right to be one. Each bad move, each ‘flirt’ with what could have been was a reminder of her loss of control. The unstoppable rage that burned inside of her and how the only thing preventing her from truly losing it was the person in front of her.

“I never want to relive what I did on Zeltros ever again.”

[member="Corvus Raaf"]​

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus smiled as the silence hung. “And you’re a great Jedi. I trust in the Force, and don’t worry, I won’t quote it at you…again. But I also trust you. More than I trust myself. But you know that.”

“And cut out the self-doubt poodoo. You know where that leads – and I will quote it at you if you want. You have always been there for me and I can hand on heart say I don’t know a single way you could have done any better. That’s not Corvus talking. Not your best friend sticking up for you because you’re my best friend…” There was never going to be a good time, so she sucked in a deep breath and went for it. “That’s a Master of the Jedi Order and the new head of the Academy here speaking.”

She suddenly found the ground in front of their feet really interesting. “You weren’t there to tell. Do you know how that felt? I couldn’t even share it with my best friend?” Then she faced Kana. “I didn’t mean…I mean what I meant was…not your fault. OK! Not your fault at all.”

“And as for that?” She pointed at Kana’s arm. “Just like you, I’d take one the same if I had to – if it meant protecting my best friend.”

And the ground suddenly became the most exciting thing to look at once more. And soon the gravel underfoot was joined by a single drop of water. Salty water. And then another, and another.

[member="Kana Truden"]

 

[Kana Truden]

Blinking turned into a stared that turned into an itching sensation by her nose bridge. Corvus had seen much during eight months. She was a master, no she was the headmaster of the Ossus Academy. A shot of pride burst forward followed by regret that she hadn’t been there to see it. The floor was indeed very interesting and Kana stared down for a second at most before looking up at her friend again. The tickling sensation escalated and shaky breaths escaped her system uncontrollably.

It became a hug. A long hug as the tickling sensation began to run down her cheek. She had missed her too much. There was reluctance to let go. They hadn’t seen each other in so long yet here they were after all this time. Nearly a year of not seeing each other and Kana had expected the two of them to be fine with it as if nothing had ever happened. She was beyond an idiot.

“I missed you. Never doubt that.” She let her friend go. “If I had known you’d become a master, the headmaster even, I would have come back.” Only to let it fall into a ground stare again. “But I needed this. Personal problems, family, where I want to go and who I want to be. I had to figure it all out, and I did. Most of it.”

“Though clearly I sorted out everything except for the self-doubt ‘poodoo’, Master Raaf.” She looked back up at her friend with a new smile. “So tell me about it. How and when did that happen?”

[member="Corvus Raaf"]​

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus smiled and let the tears dry on her face. Vanity was never an issue for her.

"Don't worry, I'm just being stupid is all." Third hug, third laugh and second cry. It'll do that to a girl. "There are no doubts on my side, you must know that. Listen, when you make Master, I don't care if I'm in Darth Andeddu's tomb up against some Sith Lord, you call me and I'll be there, right?"

"And you know it has to be a when not an if. I mean, you know I don't make those decisions but if you look at yourself objectively, it will happen. If you want it to."

"The Master thing was unexpected for me. I can't even remember what I was doing but Master Matteo called me and told me that it was being considered and then - well you know. It was confirmed. And I suppose I made no secret of the fact that I'd love to run this place." She waved her hands at nothing in particular. "And since Master Vosra left, they've been looking for someone to take over. It means fewer Padawans for me. And it means Jedi like you need to start pulling their weight. Can't have Padawans without someone to train them, can we?"

"But that's just gloss. Veneer. None of it is as important as real-life stuff. Personal problems? Family? Anything you can share? And I won't start crying again if you say no. Promise."

[member="Kana Truden"]

 

[Kana Truden]

Kana would take it as it came. Master was a title to be earned and if the self-doubt ‘poodoo’ were to be talking again Kana would say she wasn’t quite there yet. When the other masters considered her ready she’d know of it and she would deal with that day whenever it arrived. Until then all she could really do was expect Corvus to keep closer track of her actions. She was the headmaster after all.

“I don’t know, I turned out pretty okay without a master.” Kana laughed it off, in truth the lack of a master had disappointed her beyond her imagination. “I understand. I’ll look into finding a student of my own, headmaster.”

Letting the headmaster comment float through the air Kana laughed a second time and shook her head. Corvus was the headmaster, she wasn’t sure which of them was supposed to let that one sink in. It felt like the obvious choice yet seeing her as the person all seniors looked to for direction - except for the grandmaster - felt strange.

As the topic changed so did her mood. Not for the worse but definitely not for the better either and it wasn’t because she had anything to hide. Quite the opposite, she simply didn’t know where to start. She put on a thoughtful look and fought the urge to place her hand on her chin.

“Well…” As good a start as any. “For one I was incredibly unsure of my role in the Order. I thought I wanted the life of a Watchman yet the life of a Sentinel - while appealing - has nothing on what I truly want to do.”

A pause for dramatic suspense.

“I want to be a healer, Corvus.” She let it sink in, was her friend expecting that? “I always kind of knew, but I didn’t know that until now. There was something about that lesson we did with Master Alince that appealed to me. To cure wounds and illness through the force…”

“One step at a time I’ve already started reading up on it. After I’ve gotten the theory down I’ll start looking up others with the possibility to help with the practical aspects of it all. The archives actually had more on the matter than I suspected considering the minimal amount of healers we actually have.”

[member="Corvus Raaf"]​

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus smiled. "You turned out pretty well - but I don't think you were the average case. And you're a great teacher. I still have the marble bruises as proof." She rubber her arm in mock pain.

"And stop calling me HeadMaster. It's Corvus. Right?" She knew it was in jest but she also wanted Kana to know she hadn't grown into the title yet.

"I thought you were going to say you were going to be joining the One Sith or something. Actually, I think you'd make a great healer and we don't have anywhere near enough of them. And a healer that can also handle a saber is a real benefit."

"And there's a returning Master that has healer experience too - you should seek her out. But most importantly - are you happy?"

[member="Kana Truden"]

 

[Kana Truden]

“What? I’m not allowed to be a proud friend? Fine,” Kana lowered her voice into near incomprehensible whisper. “Headmaster Corvus.”

Turning away from her friend she motioned at them to continue their walk once more. There was laughter at the One Sith joke. At least she thought it was a joke. Kana looked at her arm and then her friend in a glare that quickly disappeared at the mention of a returning master. Who could that be? She would have to ask about it later. The second Kana opened her mouth to ask she was interrupted by another question.

Was Kana happy? She gave it some thought, not a lot of thought but some thought. She was certainly more happy than she had been in a long time. It was weird almost. Though to say if she was truly happy or not was hard to tell. Maybe she was simply content with life for once. Things were looking good after all. Well, as good as they could be at the moment.

“You know what?” A happy chime. “I think I am.”

“Things could be better, but they could definitely be worse. I found a purpose and I am following it. I am reunited with my friend and right now I am out of the cold, enjoying a warm walk through the courtyards of my home. So yes, Corvus, I am happy. Are you?”

[member="Corvus Raaf"]​

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus stared at Kana. The features so well ingrained in her memory but the person behind them almost a stranger at times. It was as if the Kana she knew had gone - and a similar but distinctively different Kana was here instead.

And she mused that Kana must be thinking the same. And so she wanted to forgive her friend for her reaction. Once upon a time it would not even have been a conscious effort, they would have had banter and moved on naturally. But now felt different. Strange. Wrong somehow.

There were too many questions and too few answers on both sides. She had no experience to refer to. The trouble with being a Jedi since the age of four is that life isn't real in the way it is for others. She could relate to questions about the Code and Jedi or even Sith Lore but people? Relationships? Emotions? She wondered if this was how non-Force users related to being a Jedi. They could see the manifestation of actions but had no understanding.

She heard the words that followed. Months ago she would have taken them at face value - but now? All she knew is that she wanted Kana to be happy. More than she wanted to be happy herself.

"Am I happy? I don't know. I don't mean I'm unhappy, but I'm not sure any more what being happy means to me. You know me and titles. I am still me and without without the rank, I would do the same things every day. I have devoted my life of late to Padawans and I love to do that. I suspect my role as a Shadow will continue but not in any way a full-time duty as it will be for Kian. I feel strangely unfulfilled. I am busy - and perhaps this place will be what brings my life together."

She looked into Kana's eyes. "I'm scared." Her voice was trembling. "I feel I'm changing and I don't know what in to." She chuckled. "Don't worry, I'm not going to turn into a Sith but..." Her voice trailed off.

"I know we're both there for each other all of the time, but right now, do you know what? I'm jealous of you. Not in a bad way. Heck, I hope not in a bad way. But you know what do do with your life. I'm so happy for you but it makes me feel worse."

"Am I making any sense?"

[member="Kana Truden"]

 

[Kana Truden]

Their moods seemed similar but there was something in the air that felt unspoken and it wasn’t the fact that she was scared. What exactly had happened in eight months? It would probably go unspoken but the thought still remained. How come things felt so different? Corvus wasn’t happy, yet Kana was. It was like if the tables had turned somewhere, but to hear she was scared. Now that was terrifying even to Kana.

“You’ve been experiencing a lot lately, Corvus.” Kana said with a reassuring nod. “You became a jedi master and a headmaster. That’s got to be a lot to take in and to top it all of it’s a very central position. I couldn’t even begin to imagine, in fact my head is still trying to wrap itself around it.”

“But I know you can do this. We both know you can do this and that you will be great at it. You are Corvus Raaf, the most talented and devoted Jedi I know.” Kana put her hand on Corvus shoulder. “You are you, and you will always be you. No matter who or what you become you can always count on me. I will be there for you.”

What was a good way to change the topic? Not that she really wanted to but emotional discussions were new, at least when talking to Corvus. They had been open with each other, told secrets they wouldn’t tell anyone else yet emotional discussions seemed lacking. She gave her friend a second pat on her shoulder before retracting her arm.

“You will find what you want to do.” Kana smiled. “Maybe you already have? Did I ever tell you about how I met my friend Yetari? It’s kind of a short story, but I can’t recall telling you about it but when I remembered it I realized that I had found my calling before joining the Order.”

“I can tell you about it if you want. In any case, take sometime now and then to meditate on things. Where do you see yourself going? What are you doing and what do you want to do? What is keeping you from doing that?”

She felt like a sappy preacher but it was how she had come to realize what she wanted, maybe it would work for Corvus too.

[member="Corvus Raaf"]​

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus sucked in a deep breath. She’d settle for a Corellian whiskey right now but that would probably send out the wrong signals.

Perhaps Kana was right. She always used to be. But lately Corvus had been left to her own devices. There had been nobody there to dish out compassion when required or a swift kick up the booty when necessary. The loner had started to fly solo again. And then that hawk appeared in a nearby tree. Comforting yet at the same time taunting. Was its appearance some sort of portent?

“I fear failure itself.” Corvus didn’t know who said that, but it sounded like her voice and the words came out of her lips. Kana was the catalyst that she had needed all this time. “I’m tired of hearing I'm the best this or the most that.” There was no anger in her voice, but more than a trace of melancholy. “I only ever wanted to be a Jedi. Not the best, just a good one. Not someone to put on a pedestal and see if she’ll fall off.”

“Do you know what Knight Adonai said to me? I should become the candle in the dark. I should, I guess, do what I tell every Padawan I meet. Become the best Jedi you can. I know in my heart of hearts that’s what I must do. But what if I fail? What if they see me as a fraud? What if, the first time I face a Sith Lord I die? Does everything I ever said become a lie?”

She looked at Kana again. “I know what I must do. The fear of something is greater than the thing itself, right? If you’ll stand by me, I’ll be that candle. I’ll burn as brightly as I can. And if I stumble, you’ll be there to pick me up, right? You’ll heal me, yes?"

She was aware she’d not truly listened to her friend's final words. She stood up straight. Straighter than she’d ever stood before. Her shoulders went back and she carried herself in a new way. “Now…tell me about Yetari and then we’ll find ourselves some ryshcate.”

[member="Kana Truden"]

 

[Kana Truden]

She listened as her friend spoke of her fears. All of them nonsense to Kana but she kept her mouth shut. Corvus had to let it out, for all Kana knew this could have been pent up for eight months. Guilt kicked in as she realized her comment might have hurt more than encouraged but even then she kept quiet. A sidewards stare in shame would have to do. At least Corvus didn’t seem to take it too badly but as talk moved over to the Knight Adonai there was something that made Kana look at her friend.

Adele Adonai a name she only recognized from the obituaries. A peculiar jedi to bring up when going by the topic of healing. Oh yes, Kana had looked into the Jedi Healers through the ages. Knight Adonai’s end on Alderaan had been a blow to an already small group of specialists within the order.

“Adonai is dead.” Kana gave her friend a strange look. “Alderaan of all places.”

Had things been different this would be the part where Kana quietly blamed herself, but she didn’t.

“Anyway, about Yetari…”

And she relayed the story. How she had met Yetari at the time of her life right before the Jedi found her. How she had been working the electronic store and gotten the house call to a minor noble house. That she repaired a medical datapad and her envy of a small infant. She wasn’t proud of it but the envy had been real. However, it had been dropped as the result of her repairs had been.

“I entered the room. Yetari had the little kid in his arms, swaying it back and forth as it fell asleep from the medicine. For the first time in my life I felt… Proud of myself. I had helped someone and the feeling was great…”

The rest was mundane but she told the story anyway. About the visit to the club and how Yetari had shared his story as well. That he too had escaped Coruscant except under different circumstances. That his wife and kid had died to the sith and that he travelled the galaxy looking for a purpose as a reason. That she had accidentally hurt his feelings and he caused a bar fight and how she had been on the receiving end of the first punch as a result.

“I stepped in between the two men in an effort to stop it.” Kana pointed at her eye with a small laughter. “I blacked out but I think the other guy punched me. In any case, we decided enough was enough and that it was time for goodbyes. He helped a staggering me to my home. Yet before he left he told me one thing, that one thing that would help me make my mind up and go with Knight McKeller.”

“You should get out there and see the galaxy while you still can, Kana. Find that thing that makes you want to live again.” Kana shrugged. “And here I am. I wouldn’t be here if not for those words. At least, that’s what I think. Maybe Ket had a point in that the force led me, but I don’t know…”

 

[Corvus Raaf]

[SIZE=10pt]“[member="Adele Adonai"] is a ghost.” Realising this might not sound quite as it was meant, Corvus corrected herself. “I mean, she’s a Force Ghost. I first encountered her on the Jedi Praxeum. She trained me. And then again on the same ship. She trained me again. She’s a lot more active than some living Jedi we could name!” Corvus laughed. It was no black humour but rather two Jedi understanding the way of the Force. And she gave Kana that knowing look – one that only true friends could share. One that spoke sentences with a glance. It said, ‘You could do a lot worse than ask her.’[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]But Corvus had listened to her friend’s story about Yetari with 100% concentration. It was a sad story but uplifting at the same time. They’d never really talked much about their lives before becoming Jedi. Although Kana had joined the Order later in life, Corvus never spoke of time before becoming a Youngling. How she chose to walk away from her family aged four and had never tried to speak to them ever again. How Corellian Jedi were allowed to remain with their families but she had steadfastly refused. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]And there was something cathartic about the story for Corvus. The facts were different but the final advice was as valid for her as it was for Kana. “I used to say I lived to be a Jedi. Although that’s true, I’ve come to suspect that it’s not the final why. I’m still searching for my ‘thing.’ I do hope you found yours. Sometimes the Force is an easy excuse. We are people as well as Jedi. That much I now know to be true. We choose our destiny, the Force does not shepherd us down a given path. It presents opportunities and in your heart you will know the right one to choose. But the choice is ours to make none the less.”[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]And then there was a first. She embraced Kana. Stepping back, she smiled. “I’ve missed you so much. Now…about that Ryshcate.” [/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt][member="Kana Truden"] [/SIZE]

 

[Kana Truden]

A ghost? The strange look reappeared but dropped as they changed subject. Why was it that Kana had never heard of ghosts before? Or maybe she had just forgotten. In any case it was news to her. How would she go about contacting a ghost? It was a thought for later. As Kana snapped back into it Corvus finished talking about something and she realized that she hadn’t listened and simply nodded at whatever her friend had said.

As Corvus went on to talk about the force being an easy excuse. It really was. Kana had to admit as such lest she realize what kind of horrible guide the force’d be. Leaving kids unloved only to turn their lives around half-way through. Murdering their Masters with lightning and leading people astray. No, to think of the force as part of a person rather than the actual person brought a lot more comfort.

Comfort like being hugged again. Kana patted her friend’s back as she felt the embrace, again. There were no words necessary. It was all broadcasted through a quiet and unspoken ‘You too.’

“Remember the thing about attachments?” A small chuckle. “Screw it, right?”

“The ryhscate should be in your ship. Why don’t you lead the way?”

[member="Corvus Raaf"]​

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus smiled. "Yeah, I know. I'd like to think that under the circumstances I'd do the right thing. But then I'd want to save you and do the Jedi thing. I mean, I'm Corvus and I'm also Master Raaf. Why do I have to choose? If I'm forced to, I'll choose both." But there was that look again. If she had to choose just one? Was she a person or a Jedi first? A year of debating would never resolve it. And she hoped the practical demonstration never presented itself. Because they'd probably throw her out of the Order.

"And I'll tell you what, ryshcate consumption on Raven has gone down substantially in the last eight months. Amazing that, eh?"

[member="Kana Truden"]