Time to Face What You Have Always Been (Tarissa)

[Cora Passek]

This was the part where Cora's paranoia played a rather terrible role. She didn't trust anyone else to prepare her food after a certain @Moria Skaldi drugged her via food in an attempt to get Cora to lay down and allow someone, anyone to mend her wounds. Which for the record did work and Cora did need at the time, but she'd never admit it, and she was awfully pissed about someone drugging her, then healing her.

She smiled politely and shook her head. "No, thank you." Reaching into another cabinet, she grabbed some ramen and set out to cook it alongside Naamah. She sighed, "Just a thing I have... have to cook my own food. Last time I let someone do it, I was drugged through it. So, I can be a little untrusting of other people cooking food for me. Sorry." Cora was trying to be as kind about her paranoia as she possibly could.

[member="Naamah Aesham"]

 

[Naamah Aesham]

[member="Cora Passek"]


Someone else would have been weirded out, but Naamah was not like most people. "Hope you killed them for that," she commented simply. The Clawdite would probably have the same survival instincts...if she was less nihilistic and actually considered her life worth something. So she poured herself some of the soup and then heated it after putting the tin away. Quite a bit was still left since she'd only taken out enough for one person.

 

[Cora Passek]

Thankfully, Naamah was not most people. She seemed to get the paranoia that Cora suffered from. Paranoia had been the key to her survival so far, and she wasn't about to give that up. Cora sighed as she worked on her ramen.

"Unfortunately no. She'd done it to .... mend some injuries I had, at a time when that was the last thing I wanted. I needed to be awake and functional, regardless of the injuries." Cora shook her head, "I was pissed, don't get me wrong. To some degree, I needed the help, but not that way. Never that way." She didn't like anything forced on her, at all. Finishing preparing her meal, she poured it into a bowl and settled down to the small table in the galley. "It is what it is. I'm not exactly the most trusting person. Even when someone might legitimately be trying to help me, I still don't allow it, don't trust it. I try to do it all, alone. Probably foolishly, but for the majority of things in my life, I've only been able to rely on me. No one else was ever really there."

[member="Naamah Aesham"]

 

[Naamah Aesham]

[member="Cora Passek"]


Naamah shrugged. To her, trust was a very rare commodity. Actually it was probably a luxury. "There's only one person I really trust...and she may kill me anyway if we meet again," she said in a matter-of-fact tone. The Clawdite really needed healthier relationships. Anyhow, the soup had heated nicely, so she turned off the stove, poured it into a bowl and sat down at the table after adding some bread.

 

[Cora Passek]

Cora raised an eyebrow and looked across the table to Livia. That was probably the last thing she expected to hear, today. She wasn't sure whether to be weirded out, relieved or concerned. She'd never met anyone until now who had more messed up relationships than she did. Clearly, Livia needed less messed up relationships. "You know Livia, just saying ... That's not exactly a healthy kind of relationship." She shook her head and started in on her dinner. "But what do I know about healthy relationships? I have former friends who think lightly stabbing me, is a perfectly reasonable."

[member="Naamah Aesham"]

 

[Naamah Aesham]

[member="Cora Passek"]


"It is very messed up," Naamah admitted. "She does care about me though. Kinda." That seemed to be all she had to say about the topic. She could not deny that her relationship with Mirien was a mess on so many levels - and probably unhealthy. But it was also very sweet, in a way that would probably surprise many people. The dark, broody Inquisitor was the only family she had left.


Even though Naamah suspected Mirien would attack her if they met again. Truth be told, she'd probably deserve it. Would the Clawdite defend herself if it came to that? Naamah could not conceive raising her hand against the woman. She cast these thoughts aside and focused in eating her soup.

 

[Cora Passek]

"I think very messed up would be an understatement." Cora shook her head not quite understanding Livia, or how such a relationship could exist. "I can't wrap my mind around someone caring about you, but wanting you dead. That doesn't make a lot of sense to me." She gave a shrug, "But to each their own, I guess."

[member="Naamah Aesham"]

 

[Naamah Aesham]

[member="Cora Passek"]


Naamah would never admit it, but part of her was jealous of Siobhan. The Countess had been given the chance to have something with Mirien that the Clawdite would never have. Of course, Naamah did not know how complicated things actually were. And she only knew a bit about the former Grand Inquisitor's past.


"I'm not talking about this anymore," she grunted and shoved down her soup, spending the rest of the meal in moderately awkward silence. Talking was not something the shifter really excelled at. Especially when it came to talking about her own issues. Having finished it, she put the bowl away and began to wash up.

 

[Cora Passek]

Cora exhaled sharply as she realized she had touched a nerve. "It wasn't said in judgment. I've had more than my share of fethed up relationships. I just don't quite understand your relationship." She quickly finished her what she wanted of her food before putting a small amount of leftovers away in the fridge.

"None the less, I get not wanting to talk about it. That's fine. I wasn't trying to offend. I'll leave you be." She quietly spoke as she started out of the galley to head off to her own room.

[member="Naamah Aesham"]

 

[Naamah Aesham]

[member="Cora Passek"]


"It's fine," Naamah grunted, though it didn't sound that sincere. Deep down, she knew she was being immature. Cora had made meant no offence, but for some reason the blonde's words rankled her more than was warranted.


The Clawdite finished washing up, then departed the galley. "Sleep well," she added, now in a more personable as she slipped past Cora. She quickly hit the showers to wash the stench and dirt of Kaas off herself. That was the dirt that could be cleaned easily. The same could not be said for the blood on her hands. Nothing could wash that away. There were those who believed redemption was a state of grace they could reach.


That pivotal, shining moment when the sinner could be considered 'redeemed' and was forgiven. As far as Naamah was concerned, such a thing did not exist. She was damned by her own hand, it did not matter how many people she helped, for it could not bring back the lives she'd taken. The shifter emerged from the shower, wrapped in a towel and with her hair still damp. She'd deliberately only used a little of the hot water, in case Cora still wanted it.


Wiping her hair while she walked, she soon entered her bedroom and sat down on the bed, getting dressed quickly. The door closed, and only now did she let mask fall, allowing her shape to morph back into her natural lizard form. It was one of her idiosyncracies that she did not even like showing her true face to people who knew what she was.


A sigh escaped her throat and she picked up Mirien's holopic, looking at the dark lady. The look on her face could only be described as reverential, like a knight beholding her queen. She cast this thought aside, ruthlessly flushing it out of the airlock. There was no future her.

 

[Cora Passek]

Cora for her part nodded and walked on. She didn't feel much of a need to reply, just give Naamah space. She sighed, and came into her bedroom. Fluffy was quick behind her, leaping onto her bed before she could even cross the space to sit. Smiling she leaned over and hugged him while running her fingers through his fur, watching as he sleepily and happily closed his eyes. There wasn't a lot for her to do otherwise. After all, they'd prepared enough for the events of tomorrow. At least as best they could with so many unknowns in play.

She waited patiently for Naamah to finish her shower before heading there herself. It was almost funny how similarly the two thought of the ideas of redemption. Sure she'd found a new religion, but even she wasn't all that sure that redemption existed for someone like her. Too many evil deeds along the way at this point, things she could never make up for.

With her shower finished, she wrapped her hair up in a towel and wandered back to her room again, to find her sleepy feline waiting for her patiently. He only partially opened his eyes to look to her rather expectantly. Once more she came to the bed, to snuggle against him. He had a tendency to take up much of the sleeping space, and Cora didn't have the heart to make him move for her. So she grabbed a spare blanket and laid her body against his to get comfortable. Perhaps with some luck, she'd get some rest tonight. Though she doubted it with the anxiety she felt for the day that would follow, and small nagging paranoia that intermixed with it.

[member="Naamah Aesham"]

 

[Naamah Aesham]

[member="Cora Passek"]


There was no peace for Naamah in her sleep. The Clawdite's excellent memory could be a blessing, but in this case it was a curse. As she slipped into the realm of Morpheus, she was pulled back into that basement she'd used to...indulge herself.


This dream was so real and vivid. Blood on the floor, a frightened, sobbing Padawan in chains. She could reach out and touch the frigid chains, feel the poor girl's fear and terror. Coldness sunk into her skin. On this occasion, Naamah was not wearing her own face, but that of the Padawan's lover, a fellow Jedi. Her old self had loved her mind games, sometimes deluding her victims into thinking their saviour had arrived.


Before she...began to play with them. Naamah circled her prey like a predator, ready to pounce. The poor girl's pleas were music to her ears. She fed on her fear like a leech, letting it fuel her. It did not take her long before she began to torture the poor soul, barely more than a child. She took her apart digit by digit on her fingers and toes, enjoying the great and small cruelties. The Padawan's pain resonated through the Force. She knew the young one's Jedi friend was close and would soon come...and thus fall into her trap...


Abruptly, Naamah woke up. Her eyes snapped open, she was baked in cold sweat. Her heartbeat raced, she took several deep breaths, trying to calm herself. She looked around, realising that she was in bed aboard Cora's ship. Tears dripped down her cheeks, and she began to cry.

 

[Cora Passek]

It was hard to get the ideas and thoughts of what could happen the following day out of her head long enough to fall asleep. Cora restlessly tossed and turned against Fluffy for a good hour before she finally fell asleep.

For her, it wasn't dreams of the past that were haunting her tonight, no. Tonight it was the possibilities of the very next day that troubled her. Her mind raced with people she had worked with in her life, friends and enemies alike and the things they possibly could do to her the next day.
The last person she saw was Zak, perhaps the only person she'd loved. Which to Cora made no sense, he was dead, why in the worlds would he be there. He reached to touch her shoulder, and Cora awoke harshly. She instantly sat up and ran a hand through her hair as she looked to her Nexu. Her heart was pounding within her chest, and with a heavy sigh she flopped against the wall and leaned her head back to stare at the ceiling. That was the last thing she had expected to dream about.

Hearing some noise in the distance in her ship, Cora tossed her blanket aside and wandered down the hallways to Livia's room to hear soft crying echo out of the woman's room. She frowned, sighed and knocked lightly. "Livia? Are you alright?" She asked.

[member="Naamah Aesham"]

 

[Naamah Aesham]

[member="Cora Passek"]


Cora's words brought her back to reality, and made her feel more ashamed. She was not deserving of compassion. After all, she was not the one who had suffered. The Inquisition had taught her to be strong, now she was just a weak, sobbing mess. It was unbecoming of her.


"Yeah, I'm fine," she grunted. Layers of ice encased her heart. As long as she was cold, she could not get hurt. The alien wiped some tears away, then closed her red-rimmed eyes, transforming herself back into the shape of Livia Jaeger. Somewhere in the bowels of hell, a demon laughed. They had a mission to complete. That was all what mattered.

 

[Cora Passek]

Cora sighed, not knowing if she wanted to do this. Still, she couldn't entirely ignore it. And now Fluffy had come to the rescue too. He had originally come out of his warm, cozy spot on Cora's bed to see where his human blanket had run off to because he wasn't done sleeping and he needed his warm human to keep him happy. He was now pawing at the door as he'd detected the sadness from the woman on the other side of the door and wanted to fix it. "I hate to say this, but both Fluffy and I disagree." She bit her lip for a second before continuing, "Look, if you want to talk about it, the least I can do is offer a shoulder. Or in Fluffy's case, he makes a good therapist. The furry four-legged creatures always are good for comforting if you don't want to chat."

[member="Naamah Aesham"]

 

[Naamah Aesham]

[member="Cora Passek"]


Naamah glowered at the blonde. If looks could kill, there might've been an explosion. Of course, Cora actually had a lot more juice than she had. Then she heard Fluffy pawing at the door. "You want a talk? Fine. I remembered being a monster. I relived raping a young Padawan and cutting her up, slice by slice. While wearing the face of a fellow Jedi. There, we talked. Now go be sympathetic and comforting to someone who deserves it."

 

[Cora Passek]

Cora sighed at the harsh response. It stung a little, but she quickly tried to push those feelings away. Though she couldn't entirely get rid of the irritation, she felt at the response. "You realize you aren't the only one who has done some incredibly awful things in life, right? But you're unforgivable? Got the market cornered on that, eh? Well, I hate to tell you, you don't." Her tone had been harsher than she had planned for. "I didn't mean to be so snappy with you. Sorry." Cora quickly apologized.

She bit her lip before going on. "You have to understand; I was what was considered a terrorist before I ran into Siobhan. There are more innocents that I care to think about that are dead because of me. All in the name of revenge, and anger I never could let go of. Feth, I had purchased enough nerve gas to kill the entire populace of a planet. And purely lucky that the right people ran into me before I used it. Or let's go to the fact my that bombs contained ingredients to prevent blood from clotting to allow more people to die from their injuries. In the name of some sick twisted revenge in my mind."

Another sigh, "I've done a lot of horrible things, a monster couldn't be a more fitting title. And I'm still trying to figure out how the feth to come back from all of that, to be someone decent. Nevermind that I can't make up for any of that. I can't make it right. But for the star's sake woman, what I can do is help someone going through hell fighting with the same guilt, the same kind of problems. I can at least try to help if you'll let me."

Cora exhaled slowly, "You may think you are the only one going through anything close to what you are, but you aren't. I won't judge you because I've got my demons too. You don't have to isolate yourself and go through all of this alone." She shrugged and reached down to pet Fluffy. "Now if you still want me to wander off, that's fine. I will. But I'm still here if you change your mind."

[member="Naamah Aesham"]

 

[Naamah Aesham]

[member="Cora Passek"]


Naamah felt like punching the human. Or running away. It was her usual response any time she felt cornered like this. There was a reason Eileithya had been utterly unable to get through to her. The Clawdite preferred the Ardarvian Priestess who was content with flogging her.


She turned away, balling her hands into fists as she tried to compose herself. "Welcome to the club. Did Eileithya give you the absurd 'I've done horrible things as well, but the Goddess forgives if you're good' speech, too? The woman is nice, but I swear she has her head in the clouds. The Maker sent me to Chaos and I'll be going back when my number comes up and I die," she declared bluntly, her words overflowing with cynicism.


It made sense to Naamah that her god had sent her to hell, not a petulant brat with superpowers who was pissed because Daddy did not like her boyfriend. Because that was just plain absurd. "The stories are all true, y'know. There's a real pit down there. Agonies you can't imagine. It was...easier there than here." In hell, everything was simple: She was an awful person and punished accordingly. A prison made of blood, flesh, bone and fear was downright cozy compared to the real world.

 

[Cora Passek]

Cora sighed and nodded, "Yep, same speech. Ain't sure she's right or not. She's lived a life much different than ours. If you're anything like me, you've had to claw tooth and nail just to survive at all and make it to this point." She shook her head, "Did you consider that you were sent to Chaos and allowed to return for a reason?" Cora pursed her lips together and exhaled slowly. "We get scant few second chances in life. I believe at least you were sent back for a reason, given the opportunity to change. The Maker must have seen something special in you, to send you back to the realm of the living."

Cora again nodded, "Of course it would be easier there. You don't have a choice but to suffer for the things you've done. Here you have freedom. And despite what people think, freedom isn't some simple, easy thing. Every choice you make, the consequences good or bad, rest solely on your shoulders. And you have to take responsibility for them or try to run from them. Spent enough of my own time running from consequences of my choices."

[member="Naamah Aesham"]

 

[Naamah Aesham]

[member="Cora Passek"]


Naamah was a bit taken aback. Perhaps Cora's words had struck a chord, to a degree. Then she snorted. "I know why I was sent back: Kill other monsters. When the bell tolls, I'll face judgement, and I know what the only just verdict can be. I'm not doing any of this because I want some kind of cosmic reward. I damned myself by my own hand. I can live with that."


Spoken like a true fatalist. Naamah simply could not wrap her mind around the idea that good deeds could' wash evil away' or 'balance the scales'. It was odd that she was utterly incapable of applying the same standards to her former boss. "We got a job to do. Let's get ready."