The Mentor
He would frown, then, when she would admit she had been distancing herself from him. That certainly wasn't what he was wanting to hear. Especially from the person he loved the most. He avoided her eyes a moment, as he would let her continue though, and then he would let out a breath once she had finished.
"Honestly... Distance thing aside... I've been thinking the same thing" He would admit. "I've been at this for over 20 years... Nonstop... Just endless time spent... Serving. It was always to someone, you know? To the Republic's Jedi... To the Silvers... To the original Jedi Order we once knew that is long gone... And I'm aware that's never going to change. But... I sometimes ask myself... What would life be like if I hadn't been born to serve? If I had been born to a normal family, who was... Well, still here... Or if I decided to just...
Run..."
Josh would release her hands then, only to warn her about the jump before the ship would rocket off into hyperspace shortly after Josh used his now free hands to hold on to the seat to keep from flying back. Once they were safely in hyperspace, he would turn back to her, letting out a breath.
"But... I realize that's never going to happen. I want a family as much as I want success in our mission... And just as much as I wish I had my family back."
Josh would let out another exhale, biting his lip.
"Fact is... We'll never get to be normal. We serve until the day we die... This is all we know, this is what we're trained for... A Jedi's work is never done. Although... I suppose, perhaps... Perhaps there'll come a day where we can... Perhaps lessen our schedule. There are hundreds of Jedi out there, after all... And let's face it. We're off radar. The Silver's heads could care less about me. They wouldn't notice if I was gone. We're not expected to do anything. We just... Do.
But... With that in mind, perhaps we can use that. Perhaps... One day, we'll be able to settle down... Start a family. Relax a little, try and find some semblance of being... Well... Normal. It's something I've been considering for a long time now. Because I've begun to realize something..."
He would look her in the eyes, unsure of her thoughts.
"I am more then a weapon... I am more then a tool, or a pawn in someone else's game. People forget that we're not just living weapons, living encyclopedias of knowledge... We're people, Shmi. We are living beings, with thoughts, and feelings, and while some might not agree... Emotions. We are people with just as much of a right to live as anyone else. We have sworn ourselves to the Jedi... But that doesn't mean we can't be people.
And let's face it... Nobody would give a damn if we lessened our load and tried to live peacefully for awhile, between missions. We're not the "in" thing right now. We're barely a blip on the radars of our so called leaders, or, well, who most Jedi consider them. It might be for the best for me, honestly... Down the line... Because the way I'm going, my body's not going to hold up. I have trained this body of mine to withstand inhuman amounts of strain... Inhuman amounts of wear and tear. A normal man would be dead, with the schedule I take, and the strain I put on myself. But a body, no matter how well trained... Can only take so much.
We're only human."
Josh let out a sigh as he would get up, offering for Shmi to join him if she pleased. He needed a drink, thinking about all of this...
"But all strain issues aside... I know we have a responsibility to be Jedi... But we also have a responsibility to ourselves. Human lives... They're short. And when a warrior's life can come to an end so quickly, at any time... Do we really want to end them with regrets?"
And then to address the elephant in the room. He would turn back to face her after a moment.
"What I don't understand is... Why distance yourself from me? Why push away? Emotions are normal, Shmi... We're people. If you push away, all you're going to do is hurt yourself more then if you stayed. I know older, and to a degree, newer Jedi tenants talk about a lack of emotion, but... It's impossible to truly ignore what's inside.
We feel sadness when our comrades die. We feel upset when we watch them die in front of us. We'd be just as bad as the Sith if we didn't, although they use certain ones as a weapon, and don't appear to feel others. But... What I mentioned before, things like sadness... Those are emotions... Feelings. Yes, they can cloud judgement... But sometimes, they're what's right. And sometimes, you just can't control it. That doesn't make you weak, it doesn't make you any less of a Jedi, or a person...
It just means you're alive. Just... Do me a favor, never push me away again. All it does is create pain, and we have enough of it as is. For the pain we do have, and have to endure... We can face it together."
Josh would take a moment to sit down and pour himself a drink. His throat was parched, after all. He'd spoken far more then he'd intended. But he just wanted Shmi to understand... Wanted her to know that these feelings, these emotions, they were all normal...
And that he, and her... They were more then just weapons.
And more importantly...
There was a future where they could have a family if they so desired.
[member="Shmi Labooda"]
"Honestly... Distance thing aside... I've been thinking the same thing" He would admit. "I've been at this for over 20 years... Nonstop... Just endless time spent... Serving. It was always to someone, you know? To the Republic's Jedi... To the Silvers... To the original Jedi Order we once knew that is long gone... And I'm aware that's never going to change. But... I sometimes ask myself... What would life be like if I hadn't been born to serve? If I had been born to a normal family, who was... Well, still here... Or if I decided to just...
Run..."
Josh would release her hands then, only to warn her about the jump before the ship would rocket off into hyperspace shortly after Josh used his now free hands to hold on to the seat to keep from flying back. Once they were safely in hyperspace, he would turn back to her, letting out a breath.
"But... I realize that's never going to happen. I want a family as much as I want success in our mission... And just as much as I wish I had my family back."
Josh would let out another exhale, biting his lip.
"Fact is... We'll never get to be normal. We serve until the day we die... This is all we know, this is what we're trained for... A Jedi's work is never done. Although... I suppose, perhaps... Perhaps there'll come a day where we can... Perhaps lessen our schedule. There are hundreds of Jedi out there, after all... And let's face it. We're off radar. The Silver's heads could care less about me. They wouldn't notice if I was gone. We're not expected to do anything. We just... Do.
But... With that in mind, perhaps we can use that. Perhaps... One day, we'll be able to settle down... Start a family. Relax a little, try and find some semblance of being... Well... Normal. It's something I've been considering for a long time now. Because I've begun to realize something..."
He would look her in the eyes, unsure of her thoughts.
"I am more then a weapon... I am more then a tool, or a pawn in someone else's game. People forget that we're not just living weapons, living encyclopedias of knowledge... We're people, Shmi. We are living beings, with thoughts, and feelings, and while some might not agree... Emotions. We are people with just as much of a right to live as anyone else. We have sworn ourselves to the Jedi... But that doesn't mean we can't be people.
And let's face it... Nobody would give a damn if we lessened our load and tried to live peacefully for awhile, between missions. We're not the "in" thing right now. We're barely a blip on the radars of our so called leaders, or, well, who most Jedi consider them. It might be for the best for me, honestly... Down the line... Because the way I'm going, my body's not going to hold up. I have trained this body of mine to withstand inhuman amounts of strain... Inhuman amounts of wear and tear. A normal man would be dead, with the schedule I take, and the strain I put on myself. But a body, no matter how well trained... Can only take so much.
We're only human."
Josh let out a sigh as he would get up, offering for Shmi to join him if she pleased. He needed a drink, thinking about all of this...
"But all strain issues aside... I know we have a responsibility to be Jedi... But we also have a responsibility to ourselves. Human lives... They're short. And when a warrior's life can come to an end so quickly, at any time... Do we really want to end them with regrets?"
And then to address the elephant in the room. He would turn back to face her after a moment.
"What I don't understand is... Why distance yourself from me? Why push away? Emotions are normal, Shmi... We're people. If you push away, all you're going to do is hurt yourself more then if you stayed. I know older, and to a degree, newer Jedi tenants talk about a lack of emotion, but... It's impossible to truly ignore what's inside.
We feel sadness when our comrades die. We feel upset when we watch them die in front of us. We'd be just as bad as the Sith if we didn't, although they use certain ones as a weapon, and don't appear to feel others. But... What I mentioned before, things like sadness... Those are emotions... Feelings. Yes, they can cloud judgement... But sometimes, they're what's right. And sometimes, you just can't control it. That doesn't make you weak, it doesn't make you any less of a Jedi, or a person...
It just means you're alive. Just... Do me a favor, never push me away again. All it does is create pain, and we have enough of it as is. For the pain we do have, and have to endure... We can face it together."
Josh would take a moment to sit down and pour himself a drink. His throat was parched, after all. He'd spoken far more then he'd intended. But he just wanted Shmi to understand... Wanted her to know that these feelings, these emotions, they were all normal...
And that he, and her... They were more then just weapons.
And more importantly...
There was a future where they could have a family if they so desired.
[member="Shmi Labooda"]