He looked her in the eyes as she spoke, and he would nod his head slowly. "Every man, Jedi or not, fears something... But not everything that is in one's mind is easily discussed. I have seen and done things, dreamed things, that I don't know if I am ready to repeat" He would admit quietly. It was the closest thing to telling her, for the time being. It was the most, the absolute maximum that he could tell her in this moment. He wanted to, the part that loved her very dearly did... Another part, that also loved her... Feared losing her if he did.
Any battle with him, she said... But if he told her, would she understand enough to fight this one with him? Sure, she knew of making sacrifices for one she loved, but... When it came to the dark side, everything tended to be off-limits. Many Jedi he knew didn't understand. They'd just point and scream and attack blindly. They were blind, he knew... And it was a shame that they had been regressed to blind killing and hate. When he had worked with a Templar who had been a spy for the One Sith, in order to find their location so the Jedi could plan around it... All they cared about was the fact he had worked with a "dark-sider", regardless of circumstances. They didn't care the details. They didn't care about a think except "justice" and killing anything they see as wrong. Specifics were nothing to them... Just their own wants and desires, and their own version of justice.
No wonder he feared confiding even to Shmi.
Still... He knew he'd have to tell her eventually. What he had done to himself, succeed or fail... It would take a long time of healing to fix. He knew eventually, he'd have to take the risk... And hope Shmi would understand, once she knew he was no longer planning to study the dark side anymore, and aid him.
Honestly, he was done studying it NOW. He had gotten what he wanted... Now he just needed to use it. What he had discovered about the dark side though...
Even if he gave into his anger, he could never join the people who used it.
Not after what he had discovered.
It had horrified him. It told him of their enemy's capabilities... And it also told him that they lacked a heart. A soul. One would have to lack complete compassion to use the dark side of the Force the way they did... It made him quite literally sick to his stomach to even try, and his trash had been emptied many times of his own vomit from his practices. He had compassion, empathy... They did not. That was why he could never turn. He couldn't stomach what they did, and trying to do it himself, even just practicing what they did... It was impossible. He had barely scraped up enough to be able to hopefully summon up what he'd learned to use against Nick, and perhaps then, show him... Show him it wasn't too late for him.
After? He wanted to be clean of this. He wanted to forget, somehow... If he could erase his memory of what had happened, what he had suffered through, as though he were a droid, he would. It tormented him, it had caused, in part, his worst fears. He felt fear again. Of course... Part of that was the fact that he'd become human again. No longer a tool, or a thing... He felt care for people, he felt care, a protectiveness, for Shmi... And his worst fear was losing her.
The worst fear right next to that one was doing the deed himself.
Managing a smile, he would press his forehead to hers after the kiss.
"I'll be okay. Maybe a bit sluggish to start, but I should be okay" He would promise.
[member="Shmi Labooda"]
