Trial of the Spirit

[Lilla Syrin]

“Madam Senator, we have the data files, we have a full confession from Ngahr - in fact, we still have Ngahr, as I arranged for him to be detained by law officials locally. If you look into this further, you can locate his ship and check its flight logs, perhaps instigate a joint investigation.”

“And what if you are wrong?” asked the general.

“Then I have been instructed to tell you that, so long as you withdraw your forces for the duration of an investigation, the Republic will back any play you make – as will the Jedi.”

Romu considered this, giving Lilla the chance to push a little further and remind the Senator of trouble in her own house.

“What I have not been able to determine is why the admiral would be involved in covering this evidence, the one report that could possibly point the blame to where it truly lies,” she said.

She noticed the general and Romu exchange looks.

“She was always a proponent of war, ever since this started,” she said eventually.

“I was just thinking that,” said the general. “She has some questions to answer, that is for sure. I hesitate to say it, but this would not be the first time a high-ranking officer has pushed a military solution for their own ends.”

“But why?” asked Lilla.

“The budget for the military has been slashed since peace has become such a matter of course,” said the general. “We have other needs right now that must take precedence. Simply put, we cannot take part in another war so soon without seriously impacting on the lives of our citizens across all our planets. But an enforced peacetime of this nature rarely results in a healthy career for an officer used to war.”

“If I have been played…” Romu said angrily, then thought better of finishing the thought. “We must put an end to this now.”

 

[Lilla Syrin]

All but collapsing in a seat she had dragged from her booth, Lilla watched the machine of the government swing into action, this time to halt a war rather than initiate one. She listened as Romu spoke with the admiral leading the fleet, ordering him to withdraw his forces immediately and return to home space. The admiral was just as relieved as anyone else.

Over the course of the next few hours, she watched a staggered but measured stand down and demobilisation across borders. Fleets were permitted to leave without prejudice while warships moved to bases deeper within the each government’s territories, leaving only standard patrols in their place.

One very brief exchange between Romu and the leader of the opposing government forged an agreement to postpone any hostilities until further investigations could be conducted on both sides of the border. That had sounded ominous enough, but everyone listening knew that, for all intents and purposes, diplomacy would now take over where force of arms had proved, in the very least, an unwise course of action.

And dire consequences were promised for the house that propelled the course of recent events, and speculation already started in the hub as to the exact form of punishment. Most bets were on something fairly medieval, as there needed to be a demonstration to the galaxy as a whole they were not behind the attacks. To act without the authority of the leader of any government was treason, and few races took that lightly.

Romu’s own people appeared to have their own complicity in the matter, of course, but Lilla believed nothing more than one overzealous officer in a position she should never have been promoted to was the culprit.

 

[Lilla Syrin]

Senator Romu crossed the hub and sat down opposite her, forcing Lilla to take a deep breath and keep her eyes focussed on her.

“Lilla,” she said. “We owe you and your friend a great deal. If you had not worked so hard to uncover the vital information we were missing, we would now be at war. You have the grateful thanks of a Senator.”

Lilla straightened up. “Madam Senator, I am just glad we could be of service. What has happened to the admiral?”

“She is being questioned now,” said Romu. “We’ll get to the bottom of it soon enough. The important thing then, of course, is to make sure it can never happen again.”

“The Rangers and the Jedi will always be on hand to help you.”

“I know that, Lilla. Now, is there anything we can do for you?”

“Thank you, Madam Senator but, frankly, I suspect what I need most now is sleep,” she said candidly.

Romu smiled. “Lilla, I know exactly how you feel.”

 

[Lilla Syrin]

Lilla opened her eyes and took a deep breath, fully rested.

At least her body was. As she returned to the Jedi Academy, she reflected on her mission and the emotions and thoughts that had both driven and hindered her.

She would return to the Rangers for the duration of her assignment but before that, Lilla had to undergo a debriefing.

Before she met her master, she heard the fate of the admiral – via a personal message from the Senator herself. It seemed the former officer cited a weakening military and a contracting presence in the galaxy as justification for her actions. By all accounts, she truly believed she acted in her government’s best interests. She had not been involved in any massive conspiracy with the rogue house – she simply saw an opportunity to bring matters to a head and, newly instated as a temporary Joint Chief, took advantage of it. She was imprisoned for her part in the conflict, but Lilla did not believe she would remain there long, as too many high-ranking officers agreed with her, thinking she simply did the wrong thing for the right reasons.

It did not matter to Lilla. She still disliked the woman.

 

[Lilla Syrin]

Master Mei led the debrief. The intelligence conversation formed only a few minutes of their meeting. What Lilla had felt during her mission was going to be of more interest to him than what she did.

“You are not the Padawan that left here only a few weeks ago. You seem tougher, wiser and more adept. You are a better Jedi. And although my opinions are entirely useful, they are not in the least important. What do you believe you gained from the time spent?”

Lilla paused, then spoke openly. “I believe I have discovered a new certainty that I can handle any mission assigned to me. I might not always know all the answers – but who does? At least I know where to look for them, and to have faith in my own patience that they will present themselves, Force willing.”

The she paused, hoping her master would move on with the conversation. But as the silence lingered, she knew that inevitably, she would have to break the quiet.

“I suspect I know where this conversation is going. Perhaps you know me better than I know myself? Regardless, it has been a mission where I learned a lot about myself. Not just my abilities, but my drivers – what motivates and challenges me.”

Master Mei nodded, almost imperceptibly, and Lilla took that as his acknowledgement that she should continue. Part of her felt almost embarrassed by the potential disclosure and another part felt as though she would be liberated. Regardless, revelation was necessary for her to progress – she knew that.

 

[Lilla Syrin]

Lilla settled into a cross-legged position and connected with the Force. She calmed her mind and allowed her breathing to become deep and steady. She wanted absolute clarity in what she was about to share.

“I discovered many things about myself during my mission. Some came to me unbidden. Others were prompted by dialogue with others, and the remainder occurred to me as I reflected on my progress.”

“Essentially, they fell into a few broad categories. I suspect I’m not the first would-be Jedi to have these thoughts and won’t be the last. And do I have closure from my reflections? No, I don’t believe I do. Does that bother me? Again, no. I am sure that these things will be resolved in the fullness of time – assuming a conclusion is necessary. But I am confident that I do not need to seek closure for all or any, I can continue with uncertainty indefinitely. By which I mean, not comprehending fully will not gnaw away at me, I am comfortable in knowing what I know and not knowing what I don’t.”

“But now I am beginning to sound like a Jedi Master,” she flashed Mei a smile. “It is time to be specific and transparent. And in no particular order – other than how they occur to me as I share my thoughts, I shall begin with my reflections on my past.”

“I always felt uncomfortable when people asked my name and where I’m from. I always put this down to the fact that I am honest, and so to be truthful in response, I’d have to say I don’t know to both. Or answer in such a way as to be true, but not actually answer the question. Which felt convoluted and awkward. Or, I answer truthfully in terms of what I am known as and where I have lived most of my life. Which is even more of a long-winded answer.”

“But I never considered the fact that my lack of knowledge bothered me. Or rather, I never consciously accepted that as an option. But now I do. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that my birth right is a part of who I am. It does not define me but it does play a part. My genes will have some say in who I am and who I become. Do I need to know who my parents were? No, but I’d be lying if I said that – at this moment in time – I’m not at least curious. And knowing why I was left where I was, on Tatooine, is equally a fact I’d be keen to discover. But neither consume me. Neither are critical to my well-being. But I have faced the truth and come out the other side more informed than I entered.”

 

[Lilla Syrin]

Lilla shifted in her seated position slightly. “Next is the fact that I have – in part due to my unknown past – never been truly sure I fitted in. Home to me is just a word. Until a short while ago, the closest I could come to describing any place as home would have been Tatooine. I had no friends, no ties and no roots. Maybe that makes me an ideal Jedi? But accepting it was something that has underlined my definition of who I am is important. It allows me to move forward and not worry about defining myself in any other way than as a Jedi. Maybe also as a Padawan to Master Mei? But I do not need to be Lilla from this place or Lilla, a member of that family.”

 

[Lilla Syrin]

“And linked to this, but different, is my lack of confidence in my abilities. And I don’t just mean my skill at using the Force. I mean my ability to be a Jedi in every aspect of that role.”

“I doubted myself often. I know many Jedi fear the dark side, or the darkness within them. I do not honestly believe there is an aspect of that in my psyche. But sometimes I feel like a fraud. Maybe it’s because I was not a Jedi from an early age? I feel as though I have always been playing catch-up. And as a result, I don’t believe I am worthy of the title Jedi, or the faith that others place in me.”

“Am I comfortable being a Padawan? Entirely – and I have been since I came here. Being a learner and without any expectation other than to develop? That is not a problem for me. But a Jedi? One that others look to? One supposed to lead and be wise and represent not only myself but the Council and indeed the entire Order? That was a step too far for me. I have reconciled my feelings on this matter, but of all of my revelations, this is the one I’m least comfortable in saying I have resolved in my mind.”

Master Mei sat in silence and once Lilla had finished, he paused for a few moments before speaking.

 

[Lilla Syrin]

“I can understand your concerns. Especially the one about having the future of the entire galaxy resting on your shoulders at times. You have survived a proper baptism by fire, of the kind that few Jedi face no matter how long their service.”

“In ordinary circumstances, had time permitted you might have been assigned a Knight or Master to assist in your induction into field service, but that was not possible. So I admire your resilience and your honesty. And, of course, the outcome of your actions. Nobody could have delivered more.”

“I believe that, in as much as small scale missions or training here can prepare you, your recent activity has allowed you to reach an understanding of what it means to be a Jedi. Many pursue the romance of an idea, of the solitary Jedi, standing alone, being an island in the galaxy – if you’ll excuse the mixed metaphor.”

“Too many see themselves as sole protectors of an entire galaxy, fighting for peace, justice and security, shielding those who cannot fight for themselves.”

“The truth of being a Jedi encompasses all of that, certainly, but there is a deeper aspect you have begun to see. It is a sense of self, of the deepest commitment and, above all, sacrifice.”

“It is inevitable that a Jedi goes into battle, but it is not intended to be the core of your existence. Being a Jedi is as much a search for spiritual perfection as physical capability. The two go hand in hand and should never be separated. To do so would create a Force adept thug little better than the forces of evil you have been trained to fight against. That is the difference.”

“You have accomplished much, yet still have fulfilled so little of your potential. As a Jedi, the pursuit of salvation for your own soul means just as much as the pursuit of galactic peace. Two battles are always being fought, the one within and the one without.”

Lilla smiled kindly. “I believe I am progressing, but when will I know I am ready to advance?”

“To paraphrase a Jedi much wiser than I, when you know why you are not ready, you will be ready.”

“Does that mean I’m ready now?”

Mei smiled, rose and left Lilla to contemplate that thought.

 

[Lilla Syrin]